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The issue is, Seonghwa was the one who said it first.
Hongjoong will never forget that night- how good the angles and planes of Seonghwa’s face looked, highlighted only by the glow of the TV- slight flush dusted onto the tips of his ears from the beer they’d drunk earlier in the night.
Hongjoong was laughing- at the movie, at something Seonghwa said, off the high of the alcohol; he couldn’t remember. But then Seonghwa had leaned in, damp breath against the heat of his cheek: I love you.
And it’s not like Hongjoong doesn’t love him, because a hundred flowers bloom in Hongjoong’s chest when Seonghwa laughs, affection contorting into a ball of intense heat when Seonghwa’s larger hand completely covers his, melting into his ready embraces and steady heartbeat. He just couldn’t say it.
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1
Hongjoong’s out with his fellow producers one night, giggling in between pants from the way they’d ran to the McDonalds’ together in the dead of night. The winter cold stings his cheeks hard when he steps into the warmth of the restaurant, but he can’t stop smiling- he feels alive, buzzing with vitality.
They’re just standing around talking and waiting for their order when Hongjoong’s phone buzzes. He steps away from their little circle, heart squeezing when he sees the caller ID. ‘Hey.’
‘Hello, you,’ Seonghwa greets from the other end of the line. ‘Staying in the studio tonight?’
‘Mm,’ Hongjoong hums his affirmative, playing with the zipper of the jacket. ‘Sorry I didn’t text you earlier.’
‘It’s fine,’ Seonghwa tells him, faint rustling coming from his end. He must be making himself comfortable, Hongjoong thinks, lips tugging up in an involuntary smile as he imagines Seonghwa, tucked into not his own bed but Hongjoong’s, full cheek pressed against his bear plushie. ‘It’s noisy in your background- you out for food?’
‘Yup,’ Hongjoong says, popping the p. It drives Seonghwa up the wall, but Seonghwa can never be mad at Hongjoong, so he just huffs. It’s cute. ‘I’m going to dip my fries in my McFlurry.’ He announces.
‘Whatever makes you sleep at night, baby,’ Hongjoong can hear the exasperation in his voice. ‘Try not to make your songs all about me, okay?’
Now it’s Hongjoong’s turn to roll his eyes. ‘Someone’s full of himself tonight,’ he says, lip curling at Seonghwa’s punched-out wheeze. ‘Who says I’m obsessed with you?’ but he’s lying and they both know it, Seonghwa’s laugh rolling, the sound reverberating deep from his chest.
‘Anyways, why-’ Hongjoong takes his phone momentarily from his ear to check the time- 12:47 a.m.. ‘Did you need something?’
Seonghwa pauses long enough that Hongjoong thinks he’s lost connection. ‘Hello-’
‘Nothing,’ Seonghwa murmurs. ‘Just wanted to hear your voice, ’s all.’
And that’s when it happens, those times where every molecule in Hongjoong’s body just curls together in a burst of heat and light of loving Seonghwa, leaving him gasping for breath. ‘Oh,’ Hongjoong says. Then, as the shock fades off and his brain catches up, whines, ‘You can’t just say things like that, Seonghwa-yah; you-’ he struggles for words as Seonghwa laughs at him from the other end of the line. ‘Stop laughing-’
Just then, the overhead system calls his number, and Hongjoong turns to see his friends all gathered at the counter, probably having already collected his order for him. ‘I have to go,’ he tells Seonghwa regretfully.
Seonghwa just hums, and then more shuffling- he must be falling asleep, Hongjoong thinks. ‘You go do you,’ Seonghwa tells him. ‘Jus’- do your best. I love you.’
Hongjoong’s heart somersaults. ‘Goodnight, Seonghwa-yah.’
The call disconnects, and Hongjoong stares at his phone until his screen goes dark. He turns around when he hears his name being called, taking the paper bag from Maddox, carries a strange, light feeling in his chest all the way back to the studio.
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2
Seonghwa can’t pronounce aku cinta kamu.
A fact that Hongjoong shamelessly capitalizes on, pushing his way into the frame of Seonghwa’s video call. Because confused Seonghwa equals cute Seonghwa; and Hongjoong takes great pleasure in seeing Seonghwa opening his mouth, trying to find his words; then giving up and pouting.
It’s adorable, so Hongjoong makes eye contact with the fan, shaking his head and grinning when they laugh. He points at Seonghwa, ‘Pabo. Look-’ this part is addressed at Seonghwa- ‘Aku cinta kamu,’ he enunciates slowly, like he were speaking to a child. ‘It’s not that hard, really- give it a go.’
‘I know how to pronounce it,’ Seonghwa hurries, embarrassed. ‘I just couldn’t hear.’
So Hongjoong rests his cheek on his hand, watches Seonghwa repeat the sentence with two finger hearts and blow an extra kiss so the fan forgets about his slip, making them squeal- and then they’re gone.
Seonghwa turns to Hongjoong, affronted. ‘I really just couldn’t hear,’ he insists, and he sounds so outraged Hongjoong wants to laugh, wants to wrap him in his arms and tell him yes, he’s always right, he's the best boy; let Seonghwa lay on his chest and press kisses all over his face when he sulks.
But Hongjoong does none of those things, instead throws Seonghwa an open grin and wink that he knows will fluster him before putting his earphones back in and giving the next fan his best smile. He laughs to himself when he sees Seonghwa pout, out of the corner of his eye.
He’s mostly forgotten about the incident when the fansign ends, the only thing on his mind a long, hot shower and collapsing face-first into his pillow. But then Seonghwa grabs his elbow, forcing him to turn around.
‘I’m holding you to that,’ he grumbles, dull flush on his cheeks.
Hongjoong’s brain does a full three-sixty before it remembers Seonghwa flailing. ‘Huh,’ he grins, the roguish, teasing one he knows Seonghwa hates but also loves. ‘Well, you’re lucky our fans love you no matter how goofy you are, then.’
‘I hate you,’ Seonghwa tells him, deadly serious, making Hongjoong cackle; because they both know it could not be possibly be further from the truth. ‘Don’t laugh,’ Seonghwa groans. 'You're lucky,' he accuses, 'That I love you.'
Hongjoong blinks at him, watching in mild fascination as a blush makes its way from the base of Seonghwa’s neck all the way up to his face. Seonghwa pouts harder when Hongjoong doesn't respond. ‘We should be going back soon,’ he mumbles, before storming off.
Hongjoong watches the red tips of his ears retreat, hand on his chest. His heart’s just behaving funny today, he rationalizes.
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3
Hongjoong stirs when he senses movement next to him. He keeps his eyes closed- sleep clings to him still, fogging his mind and dragging him back under. Figuring it’s just Seonghwa climbing into bed next to him after his shower, he’s about to drift off again before there’s a barely-there press of lips to his forehead and a soft, ‘Hongjoong-ah.’
Hongjoong doesn’t open his eyes- if there’s something that quiet, naturally reserved Seonghwa can only say under the cover of darkness and when Hongjoong’s presumably asleep, he’s not going to interrupt him.
‘I know you work very hard,’ Seonghwa begins, voice just audible even through the total silence. ‘And you’ve sacrificed so much for our team, for me,’ he pauses.
‘You’re going to make it, Hongjoong-ah.’ Seonghwa murmurs, words bleeding with tenderness.
Hongjoong feels like he might cry out. Soft fingertips brush Hongjoong’s hair away from his face, Seonghwa’s arm circling Hongjoong’s shoulders and pulling him in close. ‘It’ll all pay off one day, baby,’ Seonghwa says, and Hongjoong can hear the smile in his voice, ‘And until that day, I hope you can run towards your goal without any worries or things dragging you down. I believe in you, Hongjoong- so just keep on being yourself. I’ll take care of everything else so you can do your best.’
‘But Seonghwa, that’s so unfair!’ Seonghwa faux-cries, putting on a higher tone to mimic Hongjoong. That is Seonghwa’s thing, his gimmick, and Hongjoong's so fond it feels like he’s going to burst out of his skin. ‘That’s what you’d say if you were awake, wouldn’t you? But it really isn’t,’ he tells Hongjoong, resting a comforting palm on the base of Hongjoong’s neck. ‘You’re doing so well already, baby. You can rely on me, you don’t have to think of anything else- I’d do anything for you.’
‘You remind me of the sun, you know? Burning so bright it touches everyone on Earth and further.’ He chuckles quietly to himself. ‘I’m like the stars in the night sky, next to you. Next to you, people might not be able to see me so clearly. But that’s okay- because if anything happens, you can still count on the stars to keep twinkling for you.’
Hongjoong wants to shout- because Seonghwa isn’t dimmer than Hongjoong at all, all the sweat and effort he paid in practice translating onto his exceptional performances on stage. Seonghwa glows in his art, he really does- it’s evident in how Hongjoong sees more slogans with Seonghwa’s name on it every comeback, how Seonghwa’s been getting more and more opportunities for solo activities.
Hongjoong’s thoughts halt when- ‘I love you, Hongjoong-ah.’ Seonghwa says, and then, ‘I don’t want you to forget, so I’ll always be here to remind you.’
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4
‘You’re wearing that?’ Seonghwa gasps when he sees Hongjoong getting his hair and makeup done.
Hongjoong jerks awake mid-doze, looking down at himself in mild panic before relaxing when he sees it’s just his stage outfit. ‘It’s a half-skirt,’ he says, looking up at Seonghwa in slight confusion. ‘What- hey!’
‘Shut up for a second,’ Seonghwa tells him, hand closing around Hongjoong’s wrist and dragging him away as he mutters a quick apology to their stylist. ‘You’re telling me-’ he huffs, voice winded as he shoves Hongjoong in an empty dressing room- ‘You’re wearing that onstage?’ he finishes, spluttering when he closes the door behind him.
‘Well, yeah,’ Hongjoong says, confused. ‘There’s that part where I spin, you know that- it looks pretty,’ he says, crossing his arms when Seonghwa remains silent, staring at the skirt. Hongjoong feels dread drip down his spine. ‘Look, if you don’t like it-’
‘What? No,’ Seonghwa’s eyes snap up to meet Hongjoong’s, then. Hongjoong’s taken aback- Seonghwa’s eyes are wild, focused so intently on Hongjoong’s. ‘I just- I,’ he swallows when his voice cracks. ‘You look- you look so good, Hongjoong.’
Hongjoong stares at him for a moment before the words sink into his skin. ‘Oh no,’ he laughs, loud and high when Seonghwa screeches. ‘You okay, Seonghwa?’
‘I,’ Seonghwa gulps when Hongjoong does a cheeky twirl; his skirt flaring. ‘I’m just not used to- god,’ he squats down on the floor, burying his face in his hands.
‘I broke him,’ Hongjoong giggles, catching Seonghwa’s hands and lacing their fingers together to tug Seonghwa back on his feet. ‘I broke him.’
‘You’re so gorgeous, Hongjoong-ah,’ Seonghwa's stare feels a whole lot like wonder, and Hongjoong's heart skips a beat, because Seonghwa’s usually so composed. There’s a reason fans call him a prince, you know, so elegant and refined even under the pressure of cameras. Seeing that Seonghwa crumble to ash, reduced to gaping like a fish just because of Hongjoong- flatters him a little more than he'd like to admit.
‘God,’ Seonghwa’s says, breathless, hands careful as he cups Hongjoong’s jaw, holding him like Hongjoong is something precious he wants to cherish for a long time. ‘This-’ his eyes roam over Hongjoong’s face, like he’s trying to memorize his features;‘-is mine?’
‘All yours,’ Hongjoong promises as his hands settle on Seonghwa’s waist, allowing a genuine smile to slip through. Because nobody loves him so good the way Seonghwa does, and it makes him feel warm and fuzzy; makes him soar high above the clouds.
‘God, I love you,’ Seonghwa sighs into his mouth. ‘How did I get so lucky, hm?’ the sentence is accompanied with kisses to Hongjoong’s cheeks, the bridge of his nose; twin pecks pressed to his eyelids. ‘I love you, Hongjoong-ah. My talented, beautiful boy. I love you so much.’
And there Hongjoong stands, nothing more than a bag of bones and blood, defined only by his dreams and propped upright by the one person who kisses strength into his skin and makes him more than he really is.
One day, he resolves, he’ll tell Seonghwa properly how much he needs him, too. But for now, he lets himself be loved, snuggling into Seonghwa’s neck.
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5
‘This has been ATEEZ, at ASMR Tingle Interview.’ Seonghwa says. ‘Goodbye!’ They wave at the camera.
‘Cut!’ the producer says, smiling at Seonghwa and Hongjoong when she puts down the clapper board. ‘Great work, Hongjoong-ssi; Seonghwa-ssi,’ she says, before giving the signal to let them go.
They’re in the car when Seonghwa turns to Hongjoong and goes, ‘You wrote Thank U for me?’
Hongjoong pauses. ‘Yeah,’ he says, he feels his ears heating up. ‘Why?’ he asks, defensive. ‘It’s not your first time hearing it, what’s the big deal-’
Seonghwa looks at him, smiling. ‘Nothing,’ he says, placing a placating hand over Hongjoong’s. ‘Thank you.’ he says, eyes wide and earnest.
Hongjoong huffs, leaning back into his seat. ‘Sap.’ He scoffs, closing his eyes.
He’s close to falling asleep to the rocking of the car when his phone vibrates. He snatches it up: a message from Seonghwa.
I love you.
Hongjoong looks over at Seonghwa, but his boyfriend has his face turned towards the window, having dozed off.
Stupid, Hongjoong thinks furiously, directing all his anger at the back of Seonghwa’s head. I love you too.
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+1
‘I’m going to the convenience store,’ Seonghwa calls, from where he’s putting on his coat by the practice room door. ‘You guys need anything?’
There’s a chorus of yes, pleases, the kids are calling out their favourite snacks and drinks. Hongjoong watches as Seonghwa manages to note down all their orders and oddly specific preferences before turning to him. ‘What about you, Joong-ah? Do you need anything?’
Hongjoong doubts any of the others would notice, but he sees as the tension leaves Seonghwa’s shoulders when he meets Hongjoong’s eyes, and oh, Hongjoong loves him, loves his wide sparkly eyes, loves his patience with the members, loves the little sprout ponytail he’s wearing his hair in today.
‘Just chocolate bread for me is okay, thank you.’ Hongjoong smiles at him. ‘Come back to me quickly, sweet boy.’
Hongjoong laughs, open and airy; when Seonghwa reddens from the sudden pet name, ignoring the other members’ retches and protests. Seonghwa huffs, looking down at his own shoes before swinging his gaze back up to meet Hongjoong’s, grinning from ear to ear. ‘I will.’
‘Oh, and Seonghwa?’ Hongjoong calls, heart bursting with affection and love and all those nights they spent together giggling into each other’s mouths. ‘I love you.’
Seonghwa’s answering smile is brighter than any sun, in any galaxy. He takes quick strides until he’s in front of Hongjoong, again, letting Hongjoong loop his arms around his shoulders. ‘Thank you for loving me.’ he tells Hongjoong. And when their lips meet, it feels like a thousand sunrises, all of them spent with Seonghwa by his side.