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I had spent the entire summer admiring this boy.
I have resigned myself to that conclusion. There's no way around it. I, Jean Kirschtein, want Marco Bodt's D more than anything on god's green earth.
But honestly, who wouldn't?
He's got this dark olive skin and goddamn constellations of freckles spanning his cheeks and clustered star systems on his shoulders and haphazard spots down in chest. But this summer, this fucking summer, he was a lifeguard. A goddamn fucking lifeguard.
Those red swim shorts rested perfectly on his hips in a way that highlighted the pointy V of his hipbones. Those abs. Those abs of his. They were defined but not overly so. He would sit in his swim stand, occasionally taking off the dumb bro tank off to sun himself. He somehow tanned even more and freckles started popping up all over his damn skin. And it was fucking beautiful.
So naturally I spent every single day at Marco's pool. I, however, was not graced with the gift of being able to tan. And I also didn't receive the gift of a great memory because I forgot sunscreen nearly every day so I ended up looking like a fucking lobster.
But after his shift, Macho Man would catch up with me and we'd spent the night at each other's houses and he'd end up massaging aloe Vera into my sun abused back and goddamm does that boy have the hands of god. Just... damn magical fingers.
But now I'm waiting for Marco to finish his goddamn shift on the last Friday of fucking summer so he and I can go to Last Night Of Freedom Bonfire at Reiner Braun's house. Marco's waving goodbye to Thomas Wagner and I just want him to hurry up. Not cause I want to spend as much time as I can alone with him, no sir. Okay, that's a lie. I can't even lie to myself anymore. I am full homo for this boy. No matter how many times I've denied the homo, there it was. Beneath the surface of my cheap lies, lurking, reminding me of how much my best friend turned me on.
So yeah, I wanted as much fucking alone time with Marco as I could get.
But then Marco turns to me and his hair's all slicked back with pool water and he looks like fucking James Dean. He smiles at me crookedly, all perfect straight teeth from braces removed last year. "Ready to go?" He asks me, standing by my side. He doesn't smell like chlorine (which I've secretly begun to love) so he must have showered before meeting me.
I nod once, not trusting my voice. It always cracks a little whenever I'm nervous or turned on and dead lord, this boy makes me both.
We start the walk to my house. I walk close enough so that our hands brush occasionally but far enough away that I don't give off the I-want-to-kiss-your-face vibe.
Marco suddenly turns his his face to me like he's expecting me to answer and I realize he's been talking to me. I nod. "Yeah," I say. "Sounds good."
He laughs and I redden. "Were you listening or were you too distracted by my beauty?"
I redden even more because I was distracted by his beauty. "Sorry," I apologize sheepishly. "I wasn't listening." Marco is the only one I'll ever apologize to. I rub the back of my neck, a nervous habit, and flinch because it's still tender from my sunburn.
There's laughter in his voice when he says, "I was saying tomorrow is my last shift at the pool, isn't that crazy?" He placed tender fingers to my sunburnt neck. "Still there, huh? I kept reminding you to wear sunblock."
"Well, I kept forgetting," I mumble, my skin tingling when he's touching it.
"I'll put some aloe on it when we get to your house if you want," he offers, his fingers leaving my neck.
"Yeah," I say, "Sounds good."
I'm sitting in the floor while Marco's on the couch and I'm nestled in between his legs. Marco's fingers work magic on the sore skin of my neck with cooling fingers. My eyes roll up and close, a soft moan escaping before I could stop it. I don't think that Marco noticed though because he didn't stop his massage.
"Your shoulders are peeling," Marco says, his fingers trailing down to my shoulder blades and back up again.
I make a noise in my throat of disgust. "That's gross."
"Yeah, but you won't be a lobster anymore." Marco sinks down beside me, one hand still in the back of my neck. I like the way it feels, resting there. It's natural.
I turn my face to look at him and he's smiling at me, all goddamn gorgeous and genuine. He's got dimples and the universe of freckles on his cheeks pool in the craters. My tongue pokes out and wets my lips. I stare at his own lips, full and slightly chapped, and I'm filled with the overwhelming urge to kiss him suddenly.
Before my brain can catch up, I'm kissing him. His lips are soft and lovely and this is better than I ever dreamt it would be in my most secret fantasies.
I pull back, hoping for Marco to close the gap and kiss me again. But he doesn't. He doesn't do anything.
My No Homo kicks in. "I'm sorry," i apologize. "It was my bad I don't know what I was thinking. No homo though, right?"
"Yeah," Marco says quietly. He's not looking at me anymore and he sounds distant, like he's physically shrinking into himself. "Yeah, right. No homo."
I sneak a glance and he's pulled his legs into his chest and he isn't looking at me. He's staring straight ahead. I look away and I want nothing more than to take the kiss back. It was a mistake. I can feel the wedge being driven between the two of us. Why was I so foolish to think a kiss wouldn't change anything? That the football star wouldn't mind being friends with a queer.
We sit there, side by side but not looking at each other only straight ahead like soldiers in the trenches, until Armin comes to pick us up.
Armin can tell something's up, nothing like that gets past Armin, but he doesn't say anything and I mentally thank him for that. I know he would be okay with me being gay. He's got two dads, for christ's sake. But I don't know how I could handle talking about losing Marco. That would make it too real.
"Hey lobster boy," Eren greets when we settle in.
"Say that again, you fucking waste of space!" I shout. I'm so angry at myself and at Eren's general fucking existence that I lunge at Eren but Mikasa stops me, fingers digging painfully into the sunburnt skin of my arms and I nearly yelp in pain it hurts so much.
"Stop," she nearly growls in my ear.
"I will turn this car around," Armin threatens from his perch in the driver's seat. He sits with his back ramrod straight, both hands on the wheel at 3 o'clock and 9 o'clock and he dutifully checks his mirrors. He looks like a grandma.
"Fine," I huff, throwing myself back against the seat. It hurts against my burn but if fits my mood. I cross my arms for maximum sulk capacity. I sulk until we get to Reiner's house.
The bonfire is nearly in full swing when we get there. Ymir's brother bought some beers and nearly everyone is nursing one.
Annie's tucked onto reiner's lap and he's got his arm around Bert, all three of them clutching beers.
"Hey!" Reiner booms, waving them over. "Drinks are in the cooler. We've got pabst."
Eren wrinkles his nose. "Is that really all?"
"Take what you can get," Reiner answers before taking a sip to punctuate his point.
Eren huffs a sigh and noisily makes his way to the cooler. He grabs one with more force than necessary and makes a show of opening it and throwing himself on the ground. What a douche.
I look over at Marco. He's talking with Krista, one of the only people without a beer in hand. Ymir's got her arm around Krista and looking at her with such adoring eyes that I have to look away. It's almost too private.
And I wonder what I look like when I look at Marco, if I look the same way. If my adoration is so visible on my face.
"Boy, do you look fucked up." It's Connie. He doesn't have a beer but he smells strongly of poorly febreezed weed.
"Yeah yeah I know I'm sunburnt you dickweed," I say, annoyed. I bypass him and go to the cooler. He follows me.
"I'm not talking about your newfound lobsterhood," Connie says. "Something's wrong. I can tell cause you look like shit." Dammit. Connie's always been unnaturally perceptive when he's high. Like, Armin perceptive.
"Fine, Marco and I got into a fight," I whisper through clenched teeth.
"What'd you fight about?" Connie presses.
"Dumb shit," I reply, trying to let him know that the conversation was over.
Connie puts his hands up. "Fine. Fine." He walks to Sasha, greeting her with a tug of her ponytail.
I watch everyone. The way Bert, Annie, and Reiner's shapes fit together, the easiness and synchronicity of their movements. Connie and Sasha's companionship. Eren, mikasa, and Armin.
The look on Ymir's face.
Then I catch Marco's eye. He smiles a bit, in a sad sort of way, and flicks his head to the woods that like the edge of the Braun property.
I nod and he ends his conversation with Krista before walking towards the woods.
Here goes nothing, I think, downing about half of my beer in one go. It tastes wretched but I need the courage. I wish I had eaten something. The beer makes me light. Despite that, I trudge on into the woods.
I chuckle to myself. It sounds like I'm little red fucking riding hood or something, going into the woods to deliver some cookies to my fucking grandma. But I'm not. I'm going into the jaws of the fucking wolf and the wolf is also my huntsman, my savior, the best goddamn thing that ever happened to me so far.
He's standing at the edge of the woods, peering around from a tree and he looks like a faun, something too rare and too precious and too innocent for this world.
I stand at the edge of the woods. "Hey," I say softly, afraid I might spook him like he's an actual faun.
He licks his lips and I remember their feel against mine. "Hey." He retreats further into the woods, motioning for me to follow.I stay close at his heels until we reach a small spot that makes me feel totally cut off from everything else. It's just me and Marco and the rest of time.
"When you, uh..." Marco trails off and clears his throat. "When you kissed me today, I liked it."
I was shocked. He liked the kiss?
He shoves his hands in his pockets, a nervous habit. "I liked it a lot. And-- and I know you're not gay but I am and I hope that it doesn't ch—"
I cut him off by cupping his face in my hands and kissing him once, quickly. "You goober," I whisper, "of course it doesn't change anything."
Marco lets out a soft shuddering breath of relief.
"But I do really want to kiss your face. A lot, actually, and, like, all the time."
Marco's mouth grows into a smirk, an absolute devilish curl of his lips. "No time like the present," he says in a low voice that goes straight to my stomach. And he kisses me hard.
Suddenly the deafening sound of crushed underbrush and breaking branches crashes into the clearing.
"Haha!!" Connie's laugh is loud and annoying. "All of you owe me 5 bucks! They're making out!"
Marco hides his face in his hands. "Oh dear lord," he mutters.
"What do you want?" I growl, annoyed now that I've been to heaven. Heaven being make outs with Marco.
"We couldn't find you and it's time for wieners," Connie said, giggling a little.
"We're fine," I begin but a loud rumbling comes from Marco's stomach.
"I haven't eaten all day!" He defends, clutching his stomach.
"Whatever, you nerd," I say and he Connie and I begin our trek to the group.
When we get back to the group, Sasha immediately hands both of us hot dogs. "Condiments are on the cooler you guys!" She chirped. "Eat up, more dogs'll be coming up in a couple minutes!" She quickly rotates some sticks that are propped near the fire.
Marco and I sit next to each other, quietly eating our hot dogs.
I look at everyone again, everyone settling in now that the darkness starts to creep across the sky.
Annie, still on reiner's lap, reaching across Bert for relish as Reiner tells a joke. Krista as she pets Ymir's hair, talking amicably with Armin. Mikasa admonishing Eren for being so messy. Sasha barking orders at Connie to make sure all the hot dogs are cooked to her standards.
Discreetly, I slip my free hand down and find Marco's. I lace out fingers together, fitting perfectly together like they were made for each other, and it feels like coming home.