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"Armin, can you come here for a second?" Levi called from the kitchen.
Armin came into the kitchen. "Yes, Papa?"
The first thing Levi noticed was the god awful sweater Armin was wearing. Eyeball searing green and red with a kitschy rendition of Rudolph. "What the hell are you wearing?" Levi asked incredulously.
"Um, a Christmas sweater?" Armin supplied, his statement sounding more like a question.
"It's an abomination and you're not leaving the fucking house with it on," Levi said, pointing at the offending piece of clothing.
"Oh leave our son alone," Erwin chided from his spot in front of the stove.
"Do you see this, Erwin?" Levi asked, whipping around to look at his husband. "Do you?"
"It's supposed to be ugly, Papa," Armin said. "Reiner said if you didn't wear an ugly sweater, you'd have to sing karaoke in front of everyone and..." He trailed off and snapped his mouth shut, catching himself. Another requirement for going sweaterless was bringing a drink of the alcoholic persuasion.
Levi turned around, eyes narrowed into dark slits. His eyes zeroed in on Armin like a hawk before it's descent.
Armin gulped. His papa knew there was going to be drinking at the party.
"Listen," Levi said lowly and seriously, the way he always did right before giving a one of his signature "life lessons."
"I don't give a shit if there's alcohol. But don't drive drunk. We don't need that shit. Don't let anyone else drive drunk. We don't need that shit either. Call me or dad and we'll get you. Or better yet, just stay over and I'll come pick you up in the morning because I don't want to drive out to buttfuck nowhere at 2 in the morning to pick up your sorry drunk ass. But when I do pick you up in the morning, the radio will at full volume so you think twice about getting fucking drunk," Levi said, looking into Armin's eyes seriously, still narrowed slits.
"Be responsible," was all Erwin amended. He knew better than to disagree with his husband's "life lessons." The last time he did, it earned him a week on the old futon in the basement and a sore back.
Armin looked between his dad and his papa, trying to make sense of what just happened. "Okay," he said after a moment of awkward silence. "But I don't drink."
"I don't give a shit," Levi said.
"What your papa is trying to say is that we know you're a good kid but we also want you to know your options," Erwin said, throwing Levi a look.
"Well, uh, I'm just gonna, you know, head out now to pick up Eren," Armin half mumbled as he edged slowly out of the kitchen. "Yeah, sooo.... Love you bye."
The rest was said in a rush as he escaped the kitchen.
"You really don't have to tell him that every time he goes to a party," Erwin sighed, sidling up behind Levi.
Levi craned his neck to look up at his ridiculously tall husband. "Yes I do."
"He's smart, I think he's caught on by now."
"I don't want that little shit corrupting him."
"Eren's okay. Sometimes. When he's not yelling or flirting with you."
"Worried I'll leave you for a younger model, old man?" Levi's mouth became a wicked grin.
"Always," Erwin breathed, leaning down to kiss Levi.
---
"WOOOOOO!!" Eren whooped as soon as he hopped out of Armin's van.
Armin pinched the bridge of his nose. He had a feeling it was going to be a long night.
Eren's sweater was enough to ruin anyone's night. It was a deep maroon, and that by itself was fine, but there was a stuffed baby doll of Jesus sewn onto the front with hideously yellow letters spelling out "Reason for the season." To add insult to injury he had taped a picture of Armin's papa, Levi, onto the grotesquely stitched baby Jesus' head. As soon as Eren revealed his abomination, all Armin could do was shake is head and say, "but both my dads are Jewish."
Reiner opened the door, speech already a little slurred. "Hey hey hey!"
He didn't miss out on the sweater festivities. He wore a green sweater with the image of Jesus in a birthday hat and the phrase "birthday boy."
"Come on in!" He boomed at the three of them and made room for them to enter the house. Eren slipped past Reiner and beeline for the drinks.
Armin looked up and noticed mistletoe above in the doorway.
"You don't gotta kiss," Reiner assured Armin, reading the expression on his face. "Come on in," he said, ruffling Armin's hair. "It costs a fortune to heat the outdoors."
Armin ducked into the house, closely followed by mikasa. He noticed Marco sitting alone on one of the couches and made his way over.
"Hey Marco!" He greeted brightly. "How are you?"
"I'm doing well," Marco responded happily. "You?"
"Same."
Jean walked over holding two drinks that Armin assumed were for himself and Marco. "Oh, hey Armin. Did you just get here?"
Armin nodded. "Yeah."
"Sorry i don't have a drink for you," Jean said, reddening a little, "do you want me to get you something?"
"A 7up, please, if it's not too much trouble."
Jean handed Marco his drink before setting off again, smiling warmly at Marco as he left. A piece of tinsel from his kindergarten-craft-time sweater started to come loose and trail behind him.
Jean trailed through the halls to the kitchen to retrieve the soda for Armin, only to find Bert and Reiner making out...again. That was the theme of the night, it seemed. "Get a room," Jean grumbled as he passed them by.
Bert started to sweat. "Reiner keeps putting mistletoe everywhere. It's not my fault."
"Well you should stop getting caught under it with me then," Reiner retorted, playfully poking Bert in the side.
"Stop dragging me under it!"
Jean shook his head as he poured the soda. Did Bert and Reiner always have to be so.... So coupley? They were always making out in public. Well, that was mostly Reiner's fault. But still!
Suddenly Jean was thinking about making out with Marco in public. They hadn't done much besides kissing since their first one this summer. Jean wanted things to hurry the fuck up so he could just get fucked already, Jesus Christ.
He heaved a sigh and went back to pouring Armin's 7up. He wanted Marco but he was scared, so he'd wait. He turned back to give Armin his drink and met the sight of Reiner and Bert making out again.
"Seriously?!" Jean groused. "Again? Just get a fucking room already and save us the mental scarring."
Bert grew sweaty as Reiner frowned at Jean, obviously not happy on being called out.
Jean flipped him off as he left, unable to give a flying fuck.
Reiner sighed and moved to start kissing Bert again. Bert put his hand up, pressing it against Reiner's mouth. "You taste like beer," Bert explained, almost sounding apologetic. "And I don't want to spend the whole night making out in your kitchen."
Reiner pouted. Bert was supposed to entertain him, goddammit. Bert awkwardly patted Reiner's shoulder as he left the kitchen.
Reiner stared up at the mistletoe above his head and a wicked grin spread across his face.
He'd seen the look on Jean's face earlier (before he'd gotten bored and went back to making out with Bert.) It was the look of someone who wanted a good fuck. And Reiner knew just the person Jean wanted to fuck him. And fuck it, he was just drunk enough to want to play matchmaker.
---
Reiner palmed the mistletoe. He was going to make Jean and Marco make out by the end of the night, even if it killed him.
He decided a direct approach would be the best. Just walk up to them under the guise of being a good host, stick the mistletoe above them, and wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, they're making out. Yas.
That's the plan anyway.
Reiner sidled up to Marco and Jean's post on the couch. Jean was recounting another Tale of Eren's Fuckery to Marco, who'd probably already heard it before but looked interested anyway.
"Hey!" Reiner greeted cheerfully, careful to keep the mistletoe out of sight.
Jean stopped mid sentence and pinned Reiner with an unmistakeable glare.
Marco smiled. "Hi Reiner! Great party!"
"Thank you," Reiner laughed. "Your sweaters are hideous, by the way."
"Thank you," Jean said smugly, a proud grin stretched across his face. "Made it myself."
His sweater looked like a kindergarten exploded on it. The centerpiece was a crudely sewn on felt tree whose green clashed with the red of the sweater. Baubles and tinsel were hastily hot glued on, looking as though they were about to fall off at any time. One piece of tinsel already had and was precariously hanging onto the sweater by one end.
Reiner laughed, loud and booming. "I can tell!" He leant against the wall above the couch for "support." Now was his chance. He could pin the mistletoe up and these two would have two tickets to Make Out City.
"Hey, Reiner, wherrrrrrrrrraaaat are you doing?" It was Sasha.
Reiner cursed her silently. Marco and Jean were looking where Reiner was stealthily mistletoing.
"Are you trying to tack up mistletoe?" Marco asked, eyebrow raised.
"Don't tell me you were going to make out with Bert in the couch," Jean whined, still scarred from catching them in the kitchen.
Reiner grumbled and took the mistletoe with him as he slunk away, angry his plot didn't work out.
Sasha bounced after him, puppy like, way too energetic for anyone who is officially stoned. "What were you doing?" Sasha asked again.
"Nothing," Reiner said, going to get another drink.
"Didn't look that way."
"It's nothing."
"Tell. Me." She poked him in the side with each word, making him flinch at the small jolt it brought.
"I'm trying to get Jean and Marco to kiss because their sexual tension is killing everyone and Bert won't entertain me."
"Oh my god, I know right?" Sasha exclaimed, her eyes growing wide. "You're going about it all wrong, though."
Reiner flushed slightly, offended. His plan hadn't been anything short of genius. He frowned. "Well how would you do it?"
Sasha put a finger up, telling him to wait a moment. "Connie!" She yelled at an almost deafening volume.
Grumbled complaints from the living rooms inhabitance filtered through as Connie stumbled into the kitchen. Reiner couldn't help but notice they were wearing matching green and red striped sweaters.
"What?" Connie whined. "What do you want?"
"Reiner's trying to get Jean and Marco to make out," Sasha explained.
Connie turned to Reiner. "Is that what you were doing?" He asked and then laughed. "Man that was totally weak."
"Like you could do better," Reiner sulked.
"I could in my sleep," Connie retorted. Sasha aggressively poked him and they shared a look. "Do you think...?" He asked.
Sasha nodded.
"So here's the plan," Connie began. "You bring them to the mistletoe. Don't bring the mistletoe to them."
"That might actually work," Reiner said, the sulk leaving him. He tacked up the mistletoe again. "Now we just have to call them over. What should we-"
"Hey, Jean! Marco! Come see this!" Sasha shouted, cutting Reiner off.
"What are you doing?" Connie hissed. "What are we going to show them?"
"What?" Jean leaned the doorway, arms crossed looking very unamused.
"Connie can put his whole leg behind his head while standing up," Sasha explained cheerfully.
Connie was taken aback. "I can do what now?"
Sasha nudged Connie with her elbow, hard. Jesus Christ, Connie thought. She has bony elbows.
"Show them how you can put your leg behind your head while you're standing."
Connie started to lift his leg when Sasha cried, "wait!" Which caused Connie to stumble a little, caught off guard.
"Jean and Marco, you should come forward a bit more to see it better."
Jean's brow furrowed further in irritation.
"We can see it just fi-"
"No!" Sasha cut him off. "You have to come closer."
Marco gave Jean a weary look that told him it was best to go along with it.
"Okay," Sasha said, waving them forward with her arms like an landing strip director. "Keep coming, keep coming." Her eyes flicked between Jean and Marco and the mistletoe.
Marco's eyes narrowed slightly and he looked up, noticing the offending plant hanging from the ceiling. "Sasha, you're leading us under the mistletoe."
"What?" Sasha said with exaggerated, obviously fake surprise. Reiner hid his face in his hand. "I had noooo idea that was there."
Jean scoffed. "C'mon Marco," he said, leading him out of the kitchen. His hand hovered above Marco's lower back. His heart gave a painful clench as he walked away. He wished Marco hadn't pointed out the mistletoe and he could've kissed him.
"What's with them and the mistletoe," Marco asked with an amused snort.
"Reiner's probably doing it to get Bert's attention," Jean mumbled.
Marco hummed in agreement. "Probably."
"Okay," Reiner said, clapping his hands once. "We need a new plan. Oh! I have an idea!" He dashed out of the kitchen and left a the rest confused.
Reiner reappeared a moment later holding a remote control helicopter. He detached the mistletoe from he ceiling. "Okay, so I'm thinking that we put the mistletoe on the helicopter and then fly it over Jean and Marco's heads."
He started to tie the mistletoe onto the helicopter when Annie walked into the kitchen, empty red solo cup in hand. "What are you doing?"
"Trying to get Marco and Jean to kiss."
Shaking her head, Annie said, "you're an idiot," and left the kitchen not bothering with her drink.
"I think the mistletoe idea was stupid," Connie piped up after an awkwardly quiet moment.
"What do you suggest then?" Reiner snapped, a little offended that his obviously brilliant idea was being cast aside as stupid.
Connie answered, "Like, truth or dare or something."
Reiner gave Connie a skeptical look.
"No, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen," Connie said.
"Three too many listens, honey," Sasha stage whispered. Connie waved her off and kept going.
"Jean's gonna pick dare cause he's kind of drunk and Jean and then we dare him to kiss Marco," Connie explained.
Reiner's mouth grew into a large grin and began to wag his finger enthusiastically. "Yes! Yes! That might actually work! Sasha will you do the honors?"
Sasha nodded enthusiastically and bounced out of the kitchen. "Hey guys we're playing truth or dare!"
"No," Annie said.
Reiner came in behind Sasha. "That's just too damn bad you're playing it." He made his way over to the couch where Annie and Bert were sitting. "Scoot over," he instructed Annie. Reiner sat down and Annie situated herself across both his and Bert's laps.
Sasha and Connie settled in on the free loveseat. "Okay, I'll start. Jean, truth or dare?"
Shit, Jean mentally cursed. I'm trapped. If I say truth, they might ask me about Marco but if i say dare....
He decided to take his chances. "Truth."
Connie glared at Jean. You're ruining the plan!! He mentally yelled at Jean.
He wracked his brain to think of a truth to ask. "Ah, what's the most embarrassing thing you've done?"
Jean sighed, relaxing. That could've been worse. Blotchy redness began to creep onto his face as he thought about his answer.
"Well, um, I was driving home from my family's cottage and I saw a girl trying to hitch a ride but I didn't feel like giving her one. But, uh, the rash I had gotten earlier," Jean paused and started to turn beet red, "that was on my inner thigh started to itch really bad. I pulled over to rub cream on it like the doctor said and the girl thought I was gonna give her a, you know, ride. But, um, I was, you know, busy with my hand down my fucking pants rubbing cream on my rashy inner thigh. I finally noticed her when she knocked on my window and flipped me off." Jean was redder than humanly possible when he finished.
Ymir let out a raspy guffaw. "Oh my god that's fucking great!" She cackled.
Krista patted her girlfriend on the shoulder. "Honey, I don't think that's making Jean feel better," she muttered into Ymir's ear.
Marco put his arm around Jean's shoulder. "It could have been worse," he said sweetly in an attempt to comfort Jean.
Jean wasn't paying attention, though, because all he could think about was the fact that Marco was touching him. He smelled warm and spicy like cinnamon. Jean took a deep and slow breath in, holding Marco's smell, and settled closer in the space against Marco.
Sasha elbowed Connie in the ribs. "Quit it," Connie complained when Sasha shooshed him, barely suppressing giddy giggles, and pointed at Jean and Marco, a look of excitement lighting up her face.
"Getting there," Connie whispered into Sasha's ear as she nodded.
"Hey horse face, it's your turn," Eren said loudly, pulling Jean out of his little pocket of bliss.
"Calm your fucking tits," Jean spat. "Jaeger, truth or dare?"
Eren puffed up his chest like a peacock on display. "Dare," he said confidently.
Jean sprouted a wicked grin, his brain worked at a breakneck pace as it cooked up a plan to get back at Eren. "I dare you..." He said and paused for dramatic effect, "to kiss Armin."
This got Eren heated. "What?! I'm not... What? That's gross!"
Armin's face scrunched and he stared at Eren. "What's so terrible about kissing me?"
"Yeah," Reiner chimed in. "Are you a homophobe or something?" He leaned in closely as he could with annie on his lap, and lowered his voice. "Cause that would be real unfortunate."
"I'm not a homophobe!" Eren shouted in defense.
"That's good to hear because you're always flirting with my Papa," Armin said under his breath.
"It's just weird!"
"You said that already," Armin repeated, folding his arms.
"Not helping your defense," Reiner pointed out. A strangled noise of frustration ripped out of Eren's throat. "He's my best friend! That's why it's weird!"
The group let out a soft collective 'oh.'
"You still gotta do it," Jean piped up.
"Nuh-uh," Eren shot back. "I'm using a chicken."
"You can't, we didn't say there were any chickens allowed."
"Oy vey..." Armin muttered, pinching his nose and feeling way too old and far too sober. Jean and Eren continued to argue with increasing volume when Armin finally threw up his hands in frustration. "Just freaking kiss me already!" He shouted.
Jean and Eren immediately went silent, completely shocked. Armin never raised his voice. Ever.
"Fine," Eren grumbled under his breath. He scooted over to Armin and awkwardly cupped his face in his hands. Eren leaned in close, stopping just before his and Armin's lips met.
Armin's nose wrinkled in distaste. "You smell like alcohol."
Eren made a noncommittal noise.
Realizing that Eren wasn't going to close the distance between them, Armin erased the gap between their lips, chastely pressing his lips to his friend's. The kiss was awkward. Eren was just kind of existing there, putting no effort into making this pressing of faces into an actual kiss. Armin mentally counted to five before breaking the kiss.
Eren's hands came away from Armin's cheeks. "I just kissed my best friend...." His voice was distant.
Armin turned to Mikasa. "Help, I think I broke him."
Jean smirked. His revenge had been exacted and it was sweet. "Jaeger you piece of trash, are you gonna go or are you just gonna sit there?"
"Fine, Kirschtein," Eren spat venomously. "Truth or dare?"
Sasha shot Reiner a look that commanded him to step in.
"Alright, Eren, you can't do that," Reiner said.
Eren whipped around. "Why not?" He asked a moment later, the sudden motion leaving the world behind in the dust, needing to be refocused.
"Because!" Sasha chimed in. "You and Jean are giant pissbabies and are gonna get into a pissing contest and it's gonna be unfun for everyone."
"I'm not a pissbaby," Jean grumbled to Marco.
Marco patted his shoulders. "You kind of are," he whispered back honestly. "But it's okay, I still like you." J
ean reddened significantly and buried his face in his knees. Marco was killing him with how adorable he was being. Just fucking slaying him.
"Fine," Eren harrumphed. "Sasha, truth or dare?"
"Hm... Truth!" She chirped after a moment of consideration.
"Have you ever lied to Connie to get out of, you know, doing stuff?"
Sasha nodded. Connie looked hurt.
"When?" He asked.
"Last month when I said I was hungry when really I just wanted to watch the movie. But I really was hungry."
Connie spluttered and finally resolved himself to crossing his arms and turning away from Sasha to have a good sulk.
"It's my turn!" Sasha exclaimed, dramatically throwing her hands above her head. "Marco," she declared, pointing at him. "Truth or dare?"
Marco thought a moment. "Dare, I guess."
"I dare you to kiss Jean."
Jean's head snapped up. Had he heard that right? Had Marco been dared to kiss him?
Marco reddened slightly. "W-what?" He stuttered.
"Kiss Jean," Sasha repeated.
Marco turned to Jean. Jean looked up with him expectantly. He wanted so badly for Marco to kiss him, to hold him, to love him to pieces.
Marco licked his lips, perfect goddamn beautiful lips, and started to lean forward.
Jean's eyelids fluttered closed against his will and he waited for the moment when his lips made contact with Marco fucking Bodt's. And there it was. The barest touch. Marco kissed Jean with as much softness he could muster for only a second before pulling back.
Jean's eyes slowly opened and he couldn't help the feeling of disappointment of receiving only a peck. He hadn't been expecting hardcore make outs or anything but something more than just a peck...
"That's it?" Sasha asked, disappointment coloring her tone. "That's lame!"
"Sorry to disappoint," Marco apologized. Jean looked up at him, searching for something, anything, in his face that might suggest there was more to come later.
"Well now it's your turn!" Sasha said. "Hopefully you can redeem yourself."
Suddenly Jean couldn't take it any more, he needed to get out of the stupid circle and away from everyone. "I gotta... I gotta go to the bathroom," he mumbled, wrestling himself out from under Marco's arm and out of the circle.
Marco looked after Jean with concern, his only thought was to go after Jean. He looked around the circle and his gaze feel on Connie first. "Connie, you can have my turn," Marco said in a rush, standing up.
"Sick!" Connie celebrated over a few disgruntled mutters from the rest of the circle. "But where are you going?"
"Bathroom," Marco responded and hurried off.
Connie shrugged. "Okay, Bert, Annie, and Reiner. What's the deal with you three?"
Marco knocked on the bathroom door. "Jean?" He called.
"Go away," came the muffled reply.
Marco chuckled. "You know I can't do that."
There was a moment of quiet before Marco softly called, "Jean?" His forehead rested on the door. "Can I come in?"
Another moment passed in silence before Jean opened the bathroom, causing Marco to stumble into Jean. Marco righted himself and closed the door behind him.
Jean sat down on the edge of the tub and looked at Marco for a long moment. "Do you like me?" He asked.
Marco's brow furrowed. "Of cou-"
"No!" Jean blurted out and then reddened. "I mean," he said softer, "like... That?"
Marco sat down next to Jean. "I do. A lot."
"Then why haven't we done anything besides kissing?" Jean sounded so naked at that moment Marco just wanted to gather him up in his arms.
Marco settled for just putting his arm around Jean's shoulders. "Because," he started, "I didnt want you to feel pressured."
Jean shook his head. "Never."
Marco looked up. "Oh look." He pointed. "Mistletoe."
Jean looked up too. "Yep."
Marco tipped Jean's head down and kissed him softly. When he pulled away, Jean wrapped his arms around Marco's neck and pulled him in, kissing him hard.
---
"And that's how it works," Reiner finished.
Connie's eyes narrowed. "Okay. I'm still confused."
Annie rolled her eyes and sighed heavily. "It's really simple. Reiner, Bert, and I are all dating. Reiner and Bert have sex with each other. I have sex with neither. It's not that hard."
Connie's face lit up in understanding. "Ohhh! I get it now!"
Sasha facepalmed. "That's what Reiner's been explaining for the last 20 minutes you dingleberry!"
Before Sasha and Connie could get further in their squabble, Krista piped up, "Where are Jean and Marco? They've been gone a long time."
"They said they went to the bathroom," Armin replied. "But they've spent longer than a normal time in there..."
Reiner was about to add in his two cents when Bert not-so-subtly elbowed him in the side and shook his head.
"Who's gonna go them them?" Ymir asked. There was a moment of silence before she quickly put her finger to her nose and yelled, "not it!"
Everyone else followed suit but Eren, whose reflexes were significantly slowed courtesy of beer, was the last to put his finger on his nose.
"Eren, go check on Jean and Marco," Reiner instructed.
Eren stood, wobbling slightly, and grumbled under his breath as he tottered to the bathroom.
Manners lost to drunkenness, Eren opened the bathroom door without knocking to find Jean and Marco making out on the bathroom floor and Marco sans his Christmas sweater.
"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" Eren screeched. Marco immediately stopped kissing Jean and sat up, straddling him. Jean glared at Eren. "What are you doing?" He growled. Marco put a hand on Jean's chest, trying to calm him down.
Eren covered his eyes and tried to back out of the room. "You were taking for fucking ever so I had to get you." He backed into the door and his attempts to escape became wilder.
Marco stood up and gently led Eren out of the bathroom. Ever the Boy Scout, Jean thought.
Marco picked up his sweater after Eren was shepherded out. "I am still spending the night at your house, right?" Marco asked, pulling his sweater on. Jean mourned the loss of the great view.
"I thought so," Jean responded.
Marco's face appeared through the neck hole of his sweater, wicked grin plastered across it. "Well, we could always... Continue this there."
Goddammit he's too sexy for his own good! Jean bemoaned silently. He returned Marco's grin. "I wouldn't have it any other way."