Chapter Text
“Okay, everybody,” Hera announced, placing a gigantic steaming plate stir fried Rylothian noodles in the center of the table. “Dig in.” She passed the serving tongs to Sabine, who enthusiastically began to pile a serving of the fragrant dinner on her plate. The serving plate was passed around, as the crew began to settle in for a nice meal. Kanan gazed contently around the table at his little family. It was hard to believe that just a little over two weeks ago, he was being held captive on an Imperial Star Destroyer. Kanan felt a surge of appreciation for his crew, things were beginning to feel normal again.
“Mmmhm...” Sabine complimented expressively, “this is so good, Hera. Are the vegetables fresh? We never get to have fresh vegetables.”
Hera smiled, also pleased with the fruits of her labor. “Yes, they are fresh. A benefit, I should add, of working with the larger Rebellion! Shayla from Administration told me that cell Captains that don’t reside on the command ships qualify for an allocation of fresh supplies from the Mess, so I thought I would jump on the opportunity.”
“Well, sounds good to me,” Ezra mumbled around a mouthful of food. “I wouldn't say no to eating like this more often."
Sabine glared over at him, and bumped her knee against his. "Can you act like a human and not like a puffer pig for, like, two seconds, Ezra? At least swallow before talking." Ezra smirked, to a stranger her demeanor might have seen unkind or snobbish, but Ezra knew better; he was no stranger to their good natured banter.
Pointedly looking her in the eye, he slurped up another giant mouthful of noodles, and responded, "No, actually, Sabine, I can't." Next to him, Zeb snickered into his food. Sabine just rolled her eyes, and returned to her meal, though Kanan noticed the slight upward turn of her lips. Kanan smirked into his mug of tea, the kid could give as good as he got.
Putting his mug down, he turned to Hera, who was shaking her head exasperatedly. "Oh, I remember Shayla, I met her a bit ago on the Liberator. She’s the head of administration, right?”
“Yes, she’s in charge of all of that. Writing regulations, protocol, rebel profiles, all that. That actually brings me to the next matter we need to discuss. Kids,” Hera called for their attention. “I was also informed by Shayla that all minors involved in a certain level of Rebellion command are required to take a standard academic assessment.” There was silence for several seconds as Kanan watched the kids slowly process this new bit of information. Both of their faces fell, Sabine’s into one of annoyance and outrage, and Ezra’s face reflected a similar sentiment, but his eyes reflected a deeper emotion Kanan couldn’t quite read. Nervousness, apprehension, maybe? Zeb broke the outraged silence with a bout of obnoxious laughter, “that - that s-sucks!” he gasped between laughs.
Sabine whirled around to glare fiercely at Zeb, and said, “I’m surprised they’re not making you take the exam too, Zeb, due to how much you act like a child.”
“Yeah, Zeb,” Ezra chimed in, “you really do act like a kid a lot. And you’re older than Kanan and Hera.”
Zeb grumbled under his breath, “Yeah, well, regardless, at least I don’t have to take a stupid test.”
Hera decided to take the reins again, before an argument got out of hand. “That’s enough, Zeb. Just for that, while the kids are taking the assessment, you can clean and organize the cargo hold. And why don’t you get a head start now?” Zeb sighed and left the room, bringing his plate to the sink. “Sabine and Ezra, the assessment is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9:00. They said there’s no need to study, it’s meant to just see where you’re at. The two of you will go together to the Office of Administration on the commandship and they will take you to the room where you will take the test. Understood?” Ezra and Sabine both respectively mumbled an affirmative. “Okay, good. Remember, don’t be late and get a good night's sleep.”
Sabine slunk out of the room sulkily, mumbling how she’s too smart to be wasting her time on an exam like that, and how she’s seventeen and barely even a minor. Ezra, Kanan noticed, was, for the most part, uncharacteristically quiet. He, too, exited the room with a sulky expression, but he also seemed to be preoccupied with his thoughts. Probably just nerves for the test, Kanan surmised. His presence in the force was tightly contained, but Kanan sensed nothing alarming. He was probably just unexcited to sit through a long examination. He turned back to Hera, they were now the only two there. She was now intently focused on reading a mission report from Rebel High Command on her datapad. “I didn’t expect the Rebellion to have so many regulations, like this assessment thing. They didn’t seem to be interested in these things when we were operating as a small cell.”
Hera hummed distractedly, “Yeah, there are a bunch, the point is to make sure everything will function efficiently and to identify places that need to be strengthened. Rebel command is more cautious, when people start to move up in rank, or have been exposed to more intel on the Rebellion itself. It’s security for the Rebellion as well as the individual rebels too,” she explained barely looking up from the report.
“I guess that makes sense. Hey, did Ezra seem -” Kanan started, but before he could finish his sentence, Hera stood up.
“I’m sorry, love, but I have to run to a holomeeting, and I need to finish reading this report beforehand. Talk later?” She looked at him apologetically.
“Sure, have a good meeting.” She smiled at him and turned to leave. With a sigh, Kanan finished the last of his tea and got up to start the dishes.
****
Sabine yawned as she entered the kitchen the next morning. Kanan was already awake, and was sitting at the table, nursing a cup of caf. She mumbled a good morning to him and grabbed a piece of fruit and began to munch on it. She finished it quickly and looked around, and said, “Where’s Ezra, we have to leave for the assessment soon?”
“Last, I checked a few minutes ago, he was getting ready. He’ll be here soon,” Kanan replied. As if on cue, the teenager walked through the door to the kitchen, looking tired. Sabine reached for the other piece of fruit and tossed it at him.
“Hey,” she said, “take breakfast to go, or else we’re going to be late for the test.” He nodded and made a distinctly unhappy noise. Soon, they left the Ghost for the rebel command ship, walking in silence. Which was weird, Sabine noted, because usually whenever Ezra was with her, no matter what time of day, he would chatter endlessly. This morning, even she noticed he was a bit subdued. They were halfway to the office when she glanced over at him again and saw the distant look in his eyes again. She had a suspicion he was nervous for the test, and she felt the slightest bit of sympathy for him, she wasn’t sure how many tests like these he had taken before. She wasn’t nervous at all, mostly annoyed by the time it would take; she had been tested all the time at the Academy.
Sabine decided to break the silence. “You do know that this is just a formality, right? Like, it’s not a big deal; I don’t think it really counts towards anything. They just want to see if there’s any big gaps in our knowledge because that relates to missions.” His eyes snapped to her face.
“I know that!” he said defensively, “I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Ok, then.” She put her hands up innocently, and they walked for another minute or so in silence. “We’re almost there, I think we have to go that way to get to the office.”
Ezra stopped abruptly. “You go ahead, don’t wait up for me. I’m just going to go use the refresher quick before the test.”
Sabine thought nothing of it and replied, “Ok, don’t take too long, it’s almost 9:00.” She headed into the office, which she noted, looked shockingly different from the rest of the parts of the massive rebel command ship she had seen, and let the operative know that she was there. After waiting a few minutes, the woman Hera had mentioned, Shayla, came out to greet her. Ezra had still not arrived yet. “Hi, you must be Sabine from Captain Syndulla’s squadron. I thought there was another from your crew, Ezra, who was supposed to be here as well?”
“Yeah, he should be here in a minute,” Sabine replied, wondering, herself, why Ezra hadn’t returned yet. “I’m not sure what’s taking him so long.”
Shayla looked thoughtful. “Well, I’m sure he’ll join us soon, why don’t I get you set up in the meantime.” She led Sabine into a small room with several empty desks. Shayla handed her a datapad that contained the exam, and explained the makeup of the test; it was 3 multiple choice sections entailing varying scientific, literary, and historical subjects, a written math section, and, finally, an essay responding to a short article. The first section on the datapad asked her to fill out her biographical information, which she quickly provided. She sat up in her seat, ready to start, and noticed, Ezra still wasn’t there. She had no idea what was holding him up, but she hoped it wasn’t anything serious.
Shayla looked at the chrono on the wall. “It’s fifteen past 9:00, I think it would be best to start. He can catch up when gets here. Let me know, if you want a break between sections, but otherwise, you’re free to go once you’ve finished.” Sabine forced a smile, and proceeded to begin the exam.
***
A few hours later, Sabine walked into the gallery of the Ghost to find Kanan and Hera sitting around the Dejarik table. They looked up as she entered the room. “Oh, Sabine,” Hera exclaimed. “You’re back. How was the test?”
Sabine shrugged. “Eh, it wasn’t that bad, definitely not the hardest exam I ever took.”
“Was Ezra still working on it when you left?” Kanan asked.
“No,” Sabine replied, not meeting their eyes. She wanted to avoid the topic of Ezra because she couldn’t lie to Kanan and Hera, but she also didn’t want to rat Ezra out for skipping the exam.
“Ezra finished before you?” Kanan asked, sensing that something wasn’t right. She couldn’t omit the information any longer.
“About Ezra, well…” Sabine grappled with how to put it. “He never actually showed up to the exam. Halfway to the exam he said he would catch up to me, then he never showed.” Hera laid her head back on the booth and pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Why would he not show up? I told him the test wasn’t a big deal…” Hera moaned exasperatedly.
“I don’t know. He seemed really nervous on the way there,” Sabine murmured, her eyes fixed on the floor.
Kanan was quiet up until that moment. “I don’t know why he skipped it, Sabine might be right, but it would be better to ask Ezra himself,” Kanan pointed out. Reaching out into the Force, he tapped into the bond shared with his padawan. From Ezra’s side, he was still pretty closed off, but Kanan could sense small bursts of embarrassment leaking into the bond. Nudging Ezra over the bond, Kanan let him know he needed to return to Ghost from wherever he was hiding out. “I can sense him in the Force. He’s on his way back, we will talk to him then. Let’s not jump to conclusions just yet, okay? I sense there’s a deeper issue at play here.” Sabine nodded and Hera hummed in agreement.
“Sabine, why don’t you grab something for lunch, and head to your room for a bit to relax?” Kanan suggested. “I feel like Ezra might not want an audience for whatever conversation this is going to become. Don’t worry about it, Hera and I will take care of it.” He got up and patted her on the shoulder in a very paternal manner. Sabine nodded and exited the room, and Kanan turned back to where Hera was still sitting at the table, still looking incredibly frustrated.
“I’m sure he has a reason, I know my padawan. It just might take a bit of digging to get to the bottom of it. But, I know he wouldn’t disobey you without feeling strongly about it,” Kanan reasoned. “Maybe, it was a bit too much for him, we’re all still adjusting to being a part of the fleet. At least, I know I still am. And Ezra’s never been in this sort of environment before. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe something came up.” They sat in silence for about a minute more until they heard the soft patter of Ezra’s footsteps on the ship. They both moved to intercept him in the hallway.
Hera stood up straight with her hands on her hips, her eyes stern and her body language gave off the air of captain-like authority as she watched him enter the hallway. Ezra shuffled his feet, scuffing the floor with his boots in the direction of his cabin. He stared at the floor like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen, avoiding making eye contact completely. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could get a word out, Hera cut him off. “Cockpit,” she said simply, her tone calm, but there was an undertone of danger that warned off any attempt to avoid the conversation. “Now, Specter Six.” She turned on her heel and walked to the cockpit.
Kanan crossed his arms against his chest and raised an eyebrow at his padawan, who had finally looked up guiltily at him. Kanan cocked his head in the direction Hera disappeared in, and Ezra slowly followed him to where Hera was waiting. He sat down heavily in the seat behind Hera, while Kanan took the co-pilot seat. Hera fiddled with the controls for a few moments before flipping a switch that locked the door.
Hera turned her seat around to look at Ezra, who was looking anywhere else but at her. “Ok, mister, time to talk,” she started. “Sabine told us that you didn’t show up for the assessment this morning. But, by the look on your face, I can tell you already puzzled that out.” Hera paused for a moment, clearly choosing her words carefully. “Can you tell us why you decided not to go?” She asked calmly, much more calmly than Kanan was sure she felt. Kanan watched as Ezra, who continued to not look either of them in the eye, just shrugged in an I-don’t-know-stop-asking teenager-esque fashion.
Hera sighed again and leaned forward, trying to meet his eye line. “A shrug is not a good enough answer, Ezra. You need to tell us what happened because I need to understand why you disobeyed a direct order without a clear reason,”
Ezra’s eyes widened incredulously, “I didn’t -!” Ezra tried to protest, the vigor of his disagreement being lost on Hera due to the fact his gaze was glued to his lap and not on her. Kanan, actually stopped him this time.
“I agree with Hera here, kiddo” Kanan added, Ezra’s eyes snapping up to look at him briefly in betrayal. “You had a commitment, a task given to you by your Captain, and it seems like you chose to ignore it.” Kanan’s tone was soft and deliberately non-threatening, and Hera nodded. “Can you just tell us why? If there was a reason, we’d understand,” Kanan implored.
Ezra brought his knees close to his chest, his feet now on the chair, and he resumed staring intently at the wall, avoiding their eyes. “I don’t know,” he muttered irritatedly, drawing the last syllable out in an adolescent whine.
“You do know, Ezra, we know you well enough to know this behavior wouldn’t happen without a reason. I will ask one more time: Why did you skip the assessment?” Hera asked once again, annoyance leaking into her tone.
Ezra reacted to her exasperation with defensiveness. “Why do you care so much about stupid test anyways? I don’t need to take one!” Ezra argued, his voice slightly raised. “You never cared about this before, and I never needed to take one before. It doesn’t matter and it's a waste of time that we could be on a mission saving lives or fighting the Empire.” Kanan saw Hera’s eyes flash, and felt her frustration spike at Ezra’s difficultness and lack of answers. When she spoke again, her tone was sharper.
“You know just as well as I do, Ezra, that we are working with the larger Rebellion now. Things are different. It’s not just my rules you have to play by, but the Rebellion’s and when you, as a member of my crew, fail to appear for a commitment without reason or justification, it not only reflects poorly on yourself, but on me as well. You had a responsibility for a reasonable task, and you made Shayla wait for you when you were never going to show up, so her time was wasted as well. Tonight, I will comm Shayla and tell her that you are going to take the exam tomorrow morning,” Hera decided, looking like a mother scolding her child. Kanan watched as Ezra digested that information, looking more and more upset, by the second. His head was turned to the side and he was looking at the wall instead of at them. Kanan still didn’t buy Ezra’s answer and he knew Hera didn’t either, which was why she was pushing for a better explanation. “Tomorrow morning, I will walk you to the exam and before you take the assessment, you will apologize for the trouble. After the exam, you will also take Sabine’s chores for her,” she finished, looking expectantly at Ezra’s upset face. She decided to give him one last chance. “All of that stands... unless you can give me a better reason why you skipped.”
For a second, Ezra looked like he was about to argue with her, or yell, but he began doing something neither Kanan nor Hera had anticipated: he started to cry. With a jolt, Hera realized Ezra hadn’t been avoiding meeting her eyes out of teenage defiance or sullenness or even guilt, no, he had been trying to hold back tears. His face wasn’t reddened from anger, but from the effort he had been putting into trying to control his reaction. Several thick, pearly tears welled up and escaped from the corners of his electric blue eyes, creating little rivers in the crease between his nose and his cheeks.
Embarrassed, Ezra immediately swiveled in his seat, so that he was no longer facing them. His breathing hitched and his shoulders began to shake as more tears began to fall from his eyes. Hera immediately backed off and lost her stern, captain-like edge, replacing it with one of concern and empathy. Kanan and Hera exchanged a bewildered glance, entirely caught off guard by this sudden turn of events. They rarely had ever seen him this outwardly upset, to the point of tears. Of course, they had seen him upset before, like on Empire day, or when Kanan was captured, but those instances were in the midst of high stress, life-or-death situations. And even then, he guarded himself off, and never really allowed himself to be completely vulnerable in front of them. This was unfamiliar territory.
Ezra was clearly trying to prevent this burst of emotion, his shoulders were heaving with the effort of trying to suppress sobs, but the harder he tried to fight the tears, the more forcefully they returned. His breaths were coming in gasps now, and Hera’s heart ached with every quiet sob that slipped out. It was then that Hera realized that she and Kanan had sat there in stunned silence for several moments. Reaching out, she gently laid a hand on his right shoulder, her thumb kneading gentle circles into shoulder blade. Her gesture caused Kanan to spring into action, leaning forward to put his hand on Ezra’s other shoulder, then sliding it down to the small of his back, providing a warm, steady support. “Take a few minutes, Ezra, regain control of you breathing. It’s okay, it’s just us. You’re okay,” Kanan soothed, tracing circles on Ezra’s back in a way he hoped was comforting. “Take your time; we’re not going anywhere, padawan.”
“Ezra, sweetheart, you can tell us. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. We can figure it out together, that’s why we’re not just a crew, but a family,” Hera added.
Holding himself close, Ezra let out a few more shaky breaths, his shoulders still heaving from the hitching of his sobs. He seemed to have gotten back to a place where he could try to vocalize his feelings. “I,” he started, but was cut off by a half sob, half hiccup. He took another deep breath, clearly struggling to get the words out. He gripped the vest of his flight suit and steadied himself. The rest of the sentence came out as a choked whisper. “I s-stopped going to - to,” he was interrupted by more body convulsing sobs and Hera squeezed his shoulder tighter. Ezra screwed his face in determination as he gathered the courage to finish his statement and pinched his finger to try to focus himself. “I stopped going t-to s-school when I was s-seven,” he hiccuped, his voice cracking on the last syllable.
Hera felt like she’d been hit by a speeder, how had she not thought of this possibility. She wanted to smack herself in the forehead with her palm, she felt so stupid. She glanced over at Kanan who looked exactly as she felt. Realization was dawning on his handsome face as all the pieces began to fall into place, his eyes reflecting a wave of guilt and frustration at himself for not connecting the dots earlier. Of course, Ezra, who had lost his parents and his home so young, had not had the opportunity to go to school; he had to prioritize survival over education. An academic examination after all these years must have unnerved him greatly.
The end of Ezra’s confession seemed to be the breaking point for his efforts to try to control his crying because he began crying even harder than before disclosing his secret. It was obvious to Hera that it was something that made him feel incredibly insecure and vulnerable, so much so that he could barely say it to them without dissolving into inconsolable tears.
Hera sprang from her seat and moved to envelope her youngest in her arms. “Shh, oh, Little Love,” Hera whispered, using the nickname she reserved only for him, while she crouched down to pull him into a tight hug. He buried his face in her neck, and she felt the warm dampness begin to spread near her collar. “It’s okay, Ezra, I promise you it's going to be okay,” she promised, rocking side to side with Ezra in her arms. He leaned completely into her hug and she felt his body shake against hers from the force of his sobs.
“I’m s-sorry,” He cried, struggling to articulate his words. Kanan’s hand ran through his hair soothingly, from where he had squatted next to Hera. Every sob sounded like it was being ripped excruciatingly from his chest. Hera felt like someone had stomped on her heart, she was beginning to tear up as well. She pushed it away, this was Ezra’s moment. She tightened her arms again and moved so she was speaking directly in his ear.
“Do not apologize, Ezra. Please, don’t,” she whispered passionately. “We’re the ones who should be apologizing to you. I shouldn’t have been so harsh on you, I should have realized that this test would be overwhelming for you given everything you’ve been through. I’m so sorry.” She shifted and pressed her lips to his temple, giving him a maternal kiss on the forehead.
They stayed like that for several minutes, the sound of Ezra’s staccatoed breathing echoing around the cockpit along with Hera and Kanan’s whispered reassurances. Hera dimly registered her knees beginning to become painful from the awkward posture she was maintaining. Ezra’s tears showed no signs of stopping though his breathing had slowed to the point where he was no longer gasping for air with each sob. It was obvious to both Kanan and Hera that Ezra had bottled this up for a while, and they were content to stay with him as he worked to sort himself out.
After exchanging a glance with Kanan, Hera pulled back from Ezra, suggesting that they move to her cabin because it would be more comfortable and more private. Ezra nodded numbly, and stood up while sniffing loudly. His face was red and shiny, and his eyelashes were crystallized with his tears. Kanan wrapped an arm around his shoulders and led Ezra into her cabin, and sat him on the bed before wrapping him in a blanket. “Why don’t make us something warm to drink?” He nodded and she started off towards the kitchen.
***
When Hera returned, she brought a tray consisting of a teapot filled with an herbal tea from Naboo that was said to be quite calming, as well as Ezra’s favorite snack, which were these spicy and salty crackers from Garel. When she entered the room, her heart clinched at the sight before her. Ezra and Kanan were sitting together on her bed, Ezra practically swaddled in Hera’s gigantic Rylothian wool quilt. Ezra had nestled himself into Kanan’s side, practically in his lap, while the older Jedi had one arm positioned so his hand was protecting and supporting the back of Ezra’s head. His other arm was angled so that his hand was on Ezra’s back, tracing slow, gentle circles around his spine. He was whispering gentle encouragement into Ezra's ear. “Try to find your center, Ezra. Breathe just like we do in meditation,” Kanan explained calmly. “In your nose for 5 seconds, hold, then out your mouth for 5 seconds. You can do it, buddy.”
Ezra was visibly calming down. His tears had mostly stopped, his breath was still shuddering slightly. He eyed Hera as she set the tray down on a stool and poured him a steaming cup of tea. He poked one hand out of the web of blanket to take the mug from Hera. He cautiously took a sip of the hot beverage. After a few more sips, Kanan took the mug from him, as he munched on the crackers. Once he was finished with the tea, Hera sat on his other side, sandwiching him between her and Kanan.
Just as Hera was about to ask him if he was ready to talk, Ezra whispered, “I didn’t want to fail the test. And Sabine’s so smart, she didn’t even care about it because she knew she was going to do well. But, I never went to real school, I had to teach myself a lot.” His eyes filled with tears again, as he said, “I didn’t want to be rude, I just knew I wasn’t gonna know anything on the test, and I d-didn’t want t-to have to s-s-stay back from missions b-because the Rebellion thinks I’m too stupid to h-h-handle it.” He swiped at his tears angrily, and his lip stuck out in a sad pout.
Kanan straightened up at that and put both of his hands on Ezra’s shoulders, so that he was facing the older Jedi. “Ezra,” he started, his tone stern. “You are not stupid. I never want to hear you call yourself that. You hear me? Never.” Ezra, nodded in resignation tearfully, avoiding his eyes. “Hey, look at me. I’m your Master and I, as your teacher, should know better than anyone how incredibly bright you are. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you and your brain. You are one of the strongest and smartest people I have ever encountered in my life, and I’ve seen a lot of people and places. You have found a way to overcome every obstacle thrown your way without the privileges that most rely on. Education, pedigree, or a good score on an examination, none of these things actually equate to intellect or intelligence. What you accomplish within the situation given to you is what matters. You were able to survive on your own from a very young age, and raise yourself to be the resourceful, kind, and thoughtful boy we love very much, despite having very little. That is a show of true intelligence, not some test.”
Ezra’s cheeks reddened at Kanan’s praise and he sniffed again. He turned to Hera as if almost to look for confirmation. Hera drew him into another hug, just as tight as before, holding him close against her chest. “I agree with every word he said,” she whispered. “You are such a valuable member of this team, and this family. There are so many things we wouldn’t be able to do without you. Most people if they were in your place, wouldn’t be as strong or as resourceful as you are.” Rocking him slightly, Hera noted how he fit so perfectly in her arms. She never really got a chance to be affectionate and tactile like this with him, due to how skittish he usually is, and being a teenager, she figured, probably added to that. He rarely allowed either of them to hug him for this long.
Eventually, the last of his tears dried and he became quite peaceful in her arms. Hera had her arms around him, and Kanan had put his arm around Hera so that she was leaning into his side, as he supported the three of them. Exhausted from what was an undeniably stressful day, Ezra’s eyelids began to flutter sleepily as he started to drift off. The two adults looked at each other resolutely and silently agreed to stay as they were for a while, they would deal with the rest later.