Work Text:
“Hyung, have you ever been in love?”
The studio had been quiet until Shinwon spoke up, careful and hesitant, over the quiet buzz of Hwitaek’s air freshener, pointedly staring at his lap. Hwitaek’s hand is clasped around a cup of iced Americano, and Shinwon can hear the gentle thud when Hwitaek sets it down onto his table. He had never been a coffee person in the long years that Shinwon had known him, but recently he had been buying at least two iced Americanos every day, a new habit he had picked up after months of busy schedules and sleepless nights.
Hwitaek turns to him, and Shinwon can feel his eyes on him even if he refuses to look up at the older man. There is a hint of incredulity when he finally responds, after a long second, “I’m sorry?”
Shinwon is fully aware of how ridiculous his question is, but he shrugs and repeats himself anyway, “I asked, have you ever been in love?”
“Why?” Hwitaek presses, confused as ever. Shinwon can hear that the other has picked up his iced Americano again, half-melted ice slushing together in the plastic cup. He finally looks up, and quirks his lips into an expression of nonchalance, “I don’t know. Just curious.”
Hwitaek squints at him suspiciously, and Shinwon knows that curiosity isn’t enough of an excuse to convince the other. He should have expected it, really. They know each other so well at this point that they can see through each other’s half-assed excuses all too easily, and for Hwitaek, who has spent his entire life as an observant people pleaser, it only takes a look for him to know that Shinwon is hiding something from him. He shifts on his office chair and smiles at him patiently, a silent urge for him to go on.
Shinwon sighs in defeat. Maybe there’s nothing he could hide from Hwitaek, who reads him like an open book, “Well, have you?”
“I mean, I guess so,” Hwitaek responds, but he doesn’t sound certain at all. He reaches a leg forward to kick the foot of the chair Shinwon is sitting on gently, “Why are you asking all of a sudden?”
“I don’t know,” Shinwon says truthfully, because he doesn’t know why he is asking either. The lights in the studio are dim, and it makes him feel a little hazy. Maybe that’s why.
Hwitaek seems to take the hint and nods. He stays silent for so long that Shinwon would have thought that he had dropped the subject, but then he asks, “What about you, then? Have you ever been in love?”
Shinwon blinks. He thinks carefully, and realizes that he doesn’t even know what falling in love means. He remembers the one girl he had found pretty back when he first came to Seoul, in the salon he worked part-time at, who was the only person who was nice to him in that hell of a place. She was a few years older, so Shinwon had called her noona, but that doesn’t change the fact that his heart had beat faster at the sight of her the entire time he worked in that salon. He wonders if that is considered love, but he was still young then, a high school dropout who didn’t know anything about the world. He remembers this other girl, a year his junior, who was a frequent customer of the café he had worked in, where he had met EXO before he even became an idol. She was sweet and had asked him out nervously after his shift ended, and he had said yes. That’s probably not considered love too, seeing that it never went beyond two awkward coffee dates. After he had been casted his life evolved around practicing, and after debut, the only people he sees are his other members. He catches Hwitaek’s eyes, patient and expectant, and shakes his head.
Hwitaek smiles at that knowingly, like he hadn’t expected otherwise, “Do you want to?”
This time, it is Shinwon who gets surprised. He widens his eyes, almost comically judging from the way Hwitaek smiles a little wider at him, “What?”
“What?” Hwitaek raises an eyebrow nonchalantly, “I just asked a simple question, Shinwon-ah.”
“No,” Shinwon says unconvincingly, crossing his legs. He supposes that he doesn’t know love well enough to say that it’s something that he wants, but it’s not like watching romance movies at the crack of dawn on Netflix doesn’t make him envy the protagonists in the films, who always seem to be oh-so-happily in love, just a little bit.
Hwitaek squints at him again, before a gentle smile settles onto his lips, “It’s okay to want to, Shinwon-ah.” He pauses for a second before adding thoughtfully, “It’s okay to not, too.”
Shinwon makes a dismissive noise from the back of his throat, but he stays silent otherwise. Hwitaek takes it as his cue to drop the subject so he turns back around to his computer and carries on working on this new song he has composed. It takes another moment, but Shinwon sighs heavily and says, “It’s not like I don’t want to at all.”
“Huh?” Hwitaek spins his chair around so he is facing Shinwon again, and his eyebrows knit together for a second before he relaxes, “Oh. Carry on.”
These are the times when Shinwon is most thankful for Hwitaek — he knows how busy Hwitaek is, yet the other is always willing to listen to him babble on about whatever is on his mind. It’s always nice talking to him because Hwitaek never seems to judge no matter what Shinwon says, only nods along patiently and adds comforting remarks to show that he is listening. Shinwon licks at his chapped lips, “It’s just that, you know, I never had the time to like, date. I have other priorities. But I guess—” He sniffs, “—I guess it would be nice.”
“Do you want to try, then?” Hwitaek shifts so that his chin rests on his palm, and he shuffles his chair a little closer. Their knees are barely touching now, and somehow Shinwon feels jumpy even if skinship has always been a constant between them. Subconsciously, he shifts so he is even closer to Hwitaek than he had been, and their knees bump together.
Shinwon huffs out a steady laugh, “It’s not like I have the time to go out and meet someone.”
Hwitaek laughs too, “It doesn’t have to be like that.”
“What do you mean?” Shinwon frowns, and he tilts his head down so he is actually looking into the older man’s eyes. “Don’t tell me you’re secretly dating a trainee or something, hyung. Or one of the staff.”
“What? No,” Hwitaek bursts into amused laughter, and he reaches out to smack Shinwon on the knee, yet there really is no venom behind the action. “All I’m saying is that you don’t need to go out and meet someone just because you want to date.”
“Then how?”
Hwitaek looks down onto his lap, pressing his lips together in the way that he does when he is thinking hard. Shinwon notices that one of Hwitaek’s hands is casually resting on his knee, and there’s this strange feeling of emptiness when Hwitaek eventually lifts his hand and settles it against his cheek instead. He stays quiet for a long time, and Shinwon can tell that there is probably a lot going on in the older’s mind, until he looks back up and into Shinwon’s eyes, “I mean, I— we can try.”
“Sorry?” This time, it is Shinwon who gets startled, not even attempting to hide his disbelief. He searches Hwitaek’s face to see if it’s all a big joke, but the other only looks at him, completely serious.
“Not for real,” Hwitaek laughs nonchalantly, but a shade of light pink dusts his cheeks, “You know, since I’m a good hyung and all, we can… pretend. Just so your single ass knows how it feels to date someone.”
“My what?” Shinwon asks, incredulous. A smile tugs at his lips anyway, “My single ass doesn’t need to know how it feels to date someone. You were the one who offered.”
Hwitaek catches his eyes again, and smiles back. It’s not like the warm, wide smiles Shinwon is used to seeing, but one that is shy and bashful. It’s not something that Shinwon sees often, but he decides that it’s a good look on the older man.
“What do you think about my offer, then?”
Shinwon shrugs, like it doesn’t matter to him, but his smile that grows even wider betrays him, “Well, I guess I would like to accept.”
And as if something shifts, Hwitaek looks at him in a way that Shinwon has never been looked at before. The man stares at him with some sort of adoration, one that makes Shinwon shy away from his gaze and his heart pounds against his chest the way it does when he is nervous. They don’t say anything for a long time, until Hwitaek claps his hands together, startling Shinwon, “Well, do you know what boyfriends do?”
“What?”
Hwitaek grins at him cheekily, a spark of mischief in his eyes, “A good boyfriend buys his boyfriend coffee if he asks.”
Shinwon rolls his eyes, and whatever anxiety he feels dissipates. He stands up anyway, “I’ll go get your coffee, boyfriend.”
The other man only smiles at him wider.
(Maybe, just maybe, it is nice to be [fake] dating someone. Especially when that someone is Hwitaek.)
-
Shinwon doesn’t think that much has changed after their arrangement. They go on as they usually do, bickering among themselves whether or not they are in front of the cameras or the members. He can’t tell what is different before they were dating (or, pretending to date) from after. They only talk about it when they are alone, anyway, usually in the privacy of Hwitaek’s studio, locked away from the world, but even then they act the same aside from the times when they would call each other boyfriend jokingly.
But, maybe, Shinwon now sees Hwitaek a little differently. They have always been close, but Shinwon has never seen Hwitaek as anything more than a good hyung whom he can rely on. He has always considered the older the member he is the closest to because of how well they understand each other, but now, every time he looks at Hwitaek, there’s something else that fills the hollow of his chest, somewhere underneath his heart, with warmth that reminds him of a mug of hot chocolate in the winter against his palms, hot but never burning, comforting against ice-cold skin.
There’s something else, too: Hwitaek clings to him a lot more. Between them, skinship has always been a constant — Hwitaek loves touch, and Shinwon doesn’t mind it despite pretending to do so. Before the whole thing began, it is not uncommon for Hwitaek to casually slide an arm through Shinwon’s, or wrap an arm around his shoulder even if he is half a head shorter. Even holding hands has never been something that would raise brows when it comes to the two of them, but Hwitaek has been even more touchy lately (not that Shinwon minds at all). He begins to notice how Hwitaek would stay close to his side with a hand on his thigh whenever they are sitting together, or how their arms are linked even when they are talking to someone else. Close, but never close enough to raise brows. Shinwon doubts that anyone has even noticed that there’s something between him and Hwitaek (if there is anything at all).
It is late when all of the members are gathered at the company practice room, getting ready for an upcoming event. The first half hour of dance practices are usually a lot more laid back, and mostly involve them messing around with each other.
“Hyunggu-yah,” somewhere in the room, Hwitaek cooes, his voice high-pitched and aegyo-toned. Shinwon looks up at the voice of the man to see Hwitaek and Hyunggu on the corner of one bench, “Give hyung a hug.”
“No,” Hyunggu almost whines, his lips pulling into a pout, though he is clearly amused, “Go away.”
This is something that Hwitaek often does — he acts cute in front of the members to get a reaction out of them, and usually Hyunggu or Shinwon would be his target. Most of the time, Shinwon would play along and pretend to hate it even if he really doesn’t. But right now, looking at Hwitaek clinging to Hyunggu, somehow there is a burning sensation (jealousy, perhaps) tugging at his heart, and he kind of wishes that Hwitaek is clinging to him instead. There is something endearing about the way Hwitaek’s eyes are narrowed into crescent moons and how his voice is pitched higher almost comically, and Shinwon is unable to look away from the two.
“Don’t be rude,” Hwitaek frowns at him, and he extends his arms as if to pull Hyunggu into a hug, but the younger boy manages to escape him, running off until he stops in front of Shinwon.
“Shinwonie-hyung, tell Hui-hyung to leave me alone,” he says, his lips still downturned. Hwitaek comes closer to the both of them too, a wide grin stretched across his face.
Shinwon looks up at the two of them, and when his eyes meet Hwitaek’s, he can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips. He says, “I don’t know, I think Hui-hyung is pretty cute right now.”
Hwitaek squeals happily, a sound that vaguely resembles a mewl, and he turns to Shinwon to throw his arms around him. Shinwon hugs him back, and then Hwitaek shifts so that he is sitting next to the younger, arms still wrapped around him, his head leaning into the crook of Shinwon’s neck. Hyunggu gapes at Shinwon dramatically, now clearly entertained, but there is a hint of surprise beneath his exaggerated gasp and widened eyes, “Hyung, how could you betray me?”
With Hwitaek attached to his side, and dyed black hair tickling the side of his neck, Shinwon only shrugs nonchalantly. Hwitaek lifts his legs so that they rest across Shinwon’s lap, and the way their thighs are pressed together makes Shinwon’s heart pound against his chest. He only hopes that Hwitaek doesn’t notice.
“We should go on a date,” Hwitaek says out of the blue one night, when there’s only the two of them in the studio.
“Right now?” Shinwon looks up, eyes widened. He fishes out his phone from his pocket to look at the time. It is almost midnight, but neither of them are even close to going to sleep.
Hwitaek shrugs, “Why not? I’m hungry.”
Shinwon laughs, reaching out to shove the older man gently. Hwitaek manages to grab his hand, and he squeezes once before letting go. Shinwon lets his hand drop back onto his lap before he says, “You just want me to get food with you. That’s hardly a date.”
“Why not?” Hwitaek repeats, and he turns back around on his chair to save his file, before spinning back around again, “We can get food together and call it a date. I’ll even pay for you.”
“You always pay for me,” Shinwon argues weakly, but he begins to stand up anyway, “Where are we going for our date?”
They end up going to a 24-hour café, two blocks away from the company building. It’s not like they have never been there before, yet among chimaek restaurants and fast food chains, it seems to be the only place suitable for a date that is still open. Hwitaek buys Shinwon one of the glazed pastries that is on sale, probably because they can’t sell out, and a blue lemonade, then buys himself another one of those pastries and an iced Americano. It’s late and not the best time for coffee, but Shinwon can’t bring himself to stop him. They sit in a corner booth, facing each other, while Hwitaek attempts to shove an entire danish down his throat, clearly trying to leave as quickly as possible.
“Hyung,” Shinwon frowns at the older disapprovingly, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible so no one hears them (the barista seems to be half asleep, but it’s better to be safe than sorry), “I haven’t been on a lot of dates, but I’m pretty sure dates don’t include my boyfriend trying to finish his food in five minutes.”
Hwitaek splutters at that and almost chokes on his danish. Shinwon immediately hands him his iced Americano, and it takes the other two long sips to calm down.
“See? Eat slowly, or you’ll choke,” Shinwon says, feeling a sense of satisfaction when Hwitaek slows down.
“Okay, okay,” Hwitaek responds after a while, “Maybe you’re right. Dates aren’t like this. How was your day?”
Bewildered, Shinwon blinks, “I’ve been with you all day, hyung.”
Hwitaek scowls at him jokingly, “I know. Aren’t we supposed to be on a date, though?”
“So on a date you’re supposed to ask questions that barely make sense?”
“I guess not.”
“But that’s what you were doing.”
“You are boring, Shinwon-ah,” Hwitaek rolls his eyes and sighs dramatically, “Can’t you just play along?”
Shinwon snickers, “I guess so.”
They end up chattering about what they usually talk about on the rest of their date. Shinwon can’t tell the difference between a date with Hwitaek and the meals that they usually have together, but he supposes that the whole dating thing was all meant to be a joke. The thought of that makes him a little upset, but then he reminds himself that it is never a real thing anyway.
When they leave the café, Hwitaek takes the route back to the company building. Shinwon’s phone tells him that it is almost 2 AM now, and he really doesn’t want to go back to the studio, nor does he want Hwitaek to work until the next morning again. With a sudden surge of courage that washes over him, he reaches out and tugs Hwitaek back, his hand clasped around the older’s wrist, “Isn’t my boyfriend supposed to walk me home?”
Hwitaek looks up at him, surprised. Shinwon doesn’t let his wrist go, “Hyung, let’s just go home. It’s late.”
“But I have—”
“Hey,” Shinwon interrupts, and his hand slides down a little so he holds Hwitaek’s hand in his, “It’s okay to rest for a while. I don’t want my boyfriend to pull an all-nighter again.”
Hwitaek looks down onto their linked hands, then back up at Shinwon. He nods finally, though a little reluctant. On their way back to the dorms, Hwitaek shifts so that their fingers are intertwined, and neither of them think about letting go until they are in the dimly lit living room of the apartment, where Hwitaek squeezes Shinwon’s hand gently and says goodnight, before disappearing into his bedroom.
(Between lingering touches, intertwined hands and exchanged smiles, Shinwon feels like the lines between fake and real are starting to blur, and strangely enough, he doesn’t want it to stop.)
-
“You and Hui-hyung have been extra close lately,” Hongseok says one day, cornering Shinwon in his bedroom. The skeptical look in his eyes tells Shinwon that there’s no way he can simply dismiss the older man, so he probably will have to dance around the topic a little until Hongseok eventually gets tired of him.
In front of a suspicious Hongseok, Shinwon chooses to feign ignorance, “What do you mean?”
Hongseok gives him an unimpressed look, “You know what I mean. What is going on between you two?”
Maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise that Hongseok would be the first to catch on. In their team, both Hyunggu and Hongseok are incredibly observant to the extent that there is no way to hide arguments and fights between the members from them (that is, if the two of them aren’t arguing about something that barely matters). It’s just that Shinwon had never thought that being closer to someone would pique Hongseok’s interest, and now he doesn’t know how to respond. There’s an unspoken arrangement between him and Hwitaek that the whole dating thing is only between the two of them, and while it’s not like the members would judge him, it is embarrassing to say that they are pretending to date because Shinwon has never been in love. He wishes that Hwitaek is here with him. He would handle it better than Shinwon does, and as the leader, he has some sort of leverage against Hongseok and can probably get him to shut up.
“Nothing is going on,” Shinwon says, but he doesn’t even sound convinced himself. Hongseok only squints at him even more, trying to search for any trace of an answer on his face.
“What are you two talking about?” Hyunggu pushes the half-shut door to Shinwon’s bedroom open, poking his head in curiously. Shinwon has never been more grateful for Hyunggu in his life when the younger bounces into the room and settles next to Hongseok, his eyes sparking with curiosity.
“Good, now that you are here,” Hongseok says, “Tell me, don’t you think Shinwonie has been extra close with Hui-hyung lately?”
Internally, Shinwon groans. Of course Hongseok would ask, and obviously, Hyunggu being as observant, if not more, as Hongseok is, would have noticed too. Suddenly he is not as thankful for Hyunggu anymore.
Hyunggu purses his lips, eyes flitting between Hongseok and Shinwon. Finally, he speaks up, with Hongseok looking at him expectantly and Shinwon not looking at the two of them at all, “I think they act the same to me.”
Okay, maybe he still owes Hyunggu his life. Hongseok sighs, deflated, “But Hyunggu-yah, don’t you think they have been really touchy with each other?”
“Isn’t Hui-hyung touchy with everyone?” Hyunggu laughs, and Shinwon can’t help the grin that makes way to his face.
“Yeah, isn’t Hui-hyung touchy with everyone?” Shinwon echoes, and Hongseok rolls his eyes at him.
“But Shinwon-ah,” Hongseok says at last, “You do know that you can talk to me if there’s anything wrong, yeah?”
Shinwon smiles down at the older, “Yeah. I know.”
Though he knows that Hongseok means nothing but well, Shinwon becomes self-conscious. Perhaps it’s only him who had thought that the way they became closer is not enough to raise brows, and maybe they should be more discreet about it. It starts off with turning just a little when Hwitaek leans into Shinwon’s side, too natural to look like it’s on purpose, so that he misses, then it’s moving his arm away whenever Hwitaek’s palm lingers a second too long, then it’s shifting his hand away when Hwitaek reaches over to hold his hand, but Shinwon tries hard to make it all look like it isn’t deliberate. And it seems like it’s working well — Hwitaek doesn’t seem to notice, and even if he does, he is a pretty damn good actor because he doesn’t mention it at all.
When the two of them are alone, however, Shinwon lets himself relax. They go on dates late at night, and walk back to the dorms together with their hands linked. He doesn’t move away when their thighs are pressed together, or when their knees bump gently. It’s comforting, the way Hwitaek’s skin is always warm against his, and the heartfelt smiles they exchange always flood the hollow of Shinwon’s chest with warmth.
Lately, though, Shinwon finds himself aching for something more than lingering touches from Hwitaek. Sometimes, late at night, when he is drowsy and his eyes are heavy, his head buzzing pleasantly, having just come back from a date with Hwitaek, he secretly thinks about what it would be like if he could lean in and kiss the older goodnight before they go to sleep. He thinks about Hwitaek’s lips against his, when the two of them are locked away in the studio, and Hwitaek would be halfway in his lap, his weight heavy in a grounding way. But he supposes that kissing has never been a part of their arrangement, and it would go against the entire purpose of pretending to date anyway.
It’s not like Shinwon has never kissed anyone before — his first kiss was with the girl from the café, after their first awkward coffee date. The girl stood on her tip toes and kissed him straight on his mouth for a second before she pulled away, and his lips were left lip-balm-sticky and his cheeks cherry-red, like the single cherry she had plucked off his milkshake with a sweet smile and popped into her mouth. And throughout the years, there had been kisses that didn’t mean anything to him with people that he can barely remember now, and Hwitaek is very aware of that. There is no way Shinwon can pull an excuse about how he has never been kissed before and wants to know how it feels like, because aside from being downright embarrassing, Hwitaek would be able to tell that it’s all a lie.
An opportunity comes one night, in Hwitaek’s studio. It’s late and Hwitaek had just gotten back from a schedule, but he had a song to finish writing, so he had gone to the studio instead of heading home. Shinwon had been hanging around the company the whole day, taking guitar lessons and playing piano in one of the practice rooms, and then he had gone to Hwitaek’s studio to keep him company.
Hwitaek looks tired. He always does because he never gets enough sleep, but this time he looks even more so, eyes drooped and shoulders sagged. Shinwon is scrolling on his phone idly when Hwitaek lets out a long sigh, before he leans down onto the table, back cramped uncomfortably.
Shinwon looks up at the older man, “Are you okay, hyung?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t seem very okay to me.”
Hwitaek sits back up, spinning around on his chair. He shoots Shinwon a long look, but he looks so tired that Shinwon only feels his heart ache at the sight. He extends his arms, “Come here.”
Getting off his chair, Hwitaek shuffles closer. He falls into Shinwon’s arms with another sigh, and Shinwon laughs gently, smoothing his hand down the other’s back. He buries his face into the crook of Hwitaek’s neck and exhales against his skin. Hwitaek shivers a little in his arms, and he moves up onto Shinwon’s lap so that he isn’t bending his back anymore. Their thighs are most definitely pressed together now, and Shinwon is positive that Hwitaek can feel how quickly his heart is pounding against his chest. Everything in his system tells him that now is the best time to fuck it all and kiss Hwitaek, because they are so, so close to each other, merely an inch away, maybe.
Shinwon looks up from the crook of Hwitaek’s neck, and oh, they are definitely merely an inch away. Hwitaek’s eyes flicker towards him, and he leans in a little closer. If Shinwon just shifts now, their lips would definitely be touching, and Hwitaek seems to know that too, and he isn’t backing away at all, instead moves in impossibly closer. Shinwon can feel Hwitaek’s breath against his lips, and his heart pounds even louder in his ears. But then—
But then, like the coward he is, Shinwon backs away.
There is a flash of disappointment in Hwitaek’s eyes, and Shinwon has never hated himself as much as he does in that very moment. His hands are still on Hwitaek’s waist, and if he just pulled him in, then maybe there wouldn’t be room for regret. But he stays still, frozen in place, and watches as Hwitaek detaches himself from Shinwon nonchalantly, like nothing has happened.
Hwitaek goes back to his own chair and turns back to the computer, where he had been working on his song. Shinwon watches him for a while, before he speaks up, “Hyung.”
“Yeah?”
I’m sorry. I was being a coward. Can you—
“Let’s go home.”
Not bothering to even turn around, Hwitaek shakes his head, “The song isn’t going to write itself, Shinwon-ah. Go without me.”
“But, hyung—”
“It’s late, Shinwonie. You’re tired.”
Shinwon gulps. Normally, he would say something about how he wants his boyfriend to rest and Hwitaek would cave almost immediately, but it doesn’t seem appropriate anymore. He stands up reluctantly, “Don’t stay up too late, hyung.”
Hwitaek barely acknowledges him with a hum, and Shinwon supposes that he deserves it. When he leaves the studio, closing the door with a soft click, he casts a lingering look at Hwitaek, whose silhouette is lit up only by the dim lights in the studio.
(That night, Shinwon goes back to the dorms alone for the first time in a long while. His hand feels empty without Hwitaek’s warm one, but he guesses that it’s no one’s fault but his own.)
-
It gets awkward.
At least, on Shinwon’s part, it is awkward. They still act mostly the same, but it seems like they are going back to before they started the whole dating thing. Hwitaek still bickers with him wherever they are but he clings to him significantly less, and Shinwon pretends that it doesn’t sting when Hwitaek chooses to joke around with Hyunggu instead of him. He still keeps Hwitaek company at the studio, but usually Shinwon ends up heading back home alone. Even when Hwitaek complies and goes back to the dorms with him, they only walk side by side without holding hands.
Shinwon realizes that, maybe, he has gotten so used to whatever there was between them that the old normal only feels weird to him now.
It only lasts for a few days, but Shinwon doesn’t think that he can go on like nothing has happened between them. He feels like, even if they were to end whatever they had, they should at least talk about it, but one thing he wants the most is to kiss Hwitaek senseless, until Shinwon is the only thing that is on his mind. Feeling a lot less of a coward, he barges into Hwitaek’s studio, where the other is still working on the song from a few days ago.
Hwitaek turns away from his computer screen to look at Shinwon when he walks in, giving him a small smile before he focuses back onto the bright screen. The song is somewhat completed now, and it sounds just as good as any other song Hwitaek has written. He waits until the older man is at least a little distracted before he speaks up, “Hyung.”
He gets a dismissive hum in response back, but that’s not enough for Shinwon. He reaches over to spin Hwitaek around on his chair until they are facing each other, not missing the surprise on his face.
“Shinwon-ah, what—”
And, because Shinwon is not a coward this time, he surges forward and closes the gap between them. It’s not his first kiss, but it’s the first in a long time that means something. Their lips slot together as Hwitaek lets out a muffled sound of surprise, and he freezes just for a second before he kisses Shinwon back with a contented sigh, melting into his arms.
Shinwon pulls back and smiles down at Hwitaek, who still looks taken aback, his mouth agape. He wonders how it would feel to have Hwitaek’s open mouth closed around his, so he leans in to kiss the man again. This time it is Hwitaek who pulls away and he looks somewhat shy, light pink dusting his cheek prettily. Shinwon’s back is cramped from the way it is bent so he sits back and lets Hwitaek climb onto his lap again, like how they were a few days ago.
Between chaste kisses, Hwitaek pulls back, out of breath, “I thought you didn’t want to anymore.”
Shinwon chases after the man’s lips, but resorts to pressing his lips right into Hwitaek’s pulse point on his neck, and breathes out, “What do you mean?”
“I thought—” Hwitaek gasps when Shinwon presses an open-mouthed kiss into the skin right below his Adam’s apple, “I thought you didn’t—”
The younger cuts him off with another kiss, and their lips slot together again. Pulling back, he smiles down at Hwitaek again and assures him, “I do. I was just being stupid last time.”
“You were,” Hwitaek mutters under his breath, but the way his lips curl upwards shows that he really isn’t mad. Shinwon kisses him again, as if to make up for all the kisses they could have had but missed.
With Hwitaek still on his lap, Shinwon holds him tight and doesn’t think about letting go, pressing a light kiss into the older man’s hair. Hwitaek lets out a sigh and melts further into his arms, and maybe he isn’t thinking about letting go either.
Shinwon is almost half asleep when Hwitaek wriggles in his arms, trying to get off his lap. He holds Hwitaek a little tighter and refuses to let him go before he closes his eyes again with a hum.
“Shinwon-ah, I need to finish writing the song.”
“You can do it tomorrow,” Shinwon says stubbornly, holding the smaller in place.
Hwitaek laughs, “Then at least let me save my file. We can go home after, okay? Just let me go first.”
“Promise?”
“Of course,” the older presses his lips into the crook of Shinwon’s neck. Shinwon loosens his grip reluctantly, and Hwitaek stands up, sighing as he turns to his computer and fumbles around with the keyboard for a while.
It feels like a lifetime when Hwitaek finally turns back to him, reaching out a hand, “Let’s go, you big baby.”
Shinwon takes his hand and stands up. Their hands intertwined, Shinwon leans down and kisses Hwitaek again chastely, “Your big baby.”
A smile blooms on Hwitaek’s cheeks. That night, in the dark living room of their dorm, before they leave to their own rooms, Hwitaek kisses him goodnight, and it feels exactly like how Shinwon had thought it would.
(If there were lines between fake and real, then they must be bleeding all together, like water on ink-penned words, dissolving into blots of smudged colors, but Shinwon likes it this way.)
-
There are times when Shinwon would get confused as to whether he and Hwitaek are actually together, or they are still holding onto that dumb joke of an agreement to pretend. Now, with the way that exchanged kisses has made its way into their routine, Shinwon guesses that maybe the whole pretend thing is out of the way, but there is always something on the back of his mind that tells him otherwise, and he gets anxious thinking about that. Maybe Hwitaek has never wanted him that way, and it has always just been him being the good hyung he is, playing his part all too well. So, when it all gets too much in his head, he asks, “Hyung, are we dating?”
Hwitaek is entirely focused on his computer when Shinwon asks, and it startles him so much that he almost jumps in his seat. He turns towards Shinwon, and laughs, “I mean, yeah. You’re my boyfriend, aren’t you?”
The way he says it makes it sound like it’s merely a joke, and Shinwon shakes his head at that, “No, I mean, for real. Are we dating?”
“Oh.”
Shinwon looks at Hwitaek, who looks like he is at a loss of words. He doesn’t speak up for a long time, until he does, after he visibly gulps, “Do you want us to be?”
Oh.
Now that’s not a response that Shinwon had been anticipating, and it makes him even more jittery on the inside. He doesn’t even realize how clammy his palms have become, and he wipes them across his jeans as he tries to formulate an answer. There is something in his brain screaming at him, telling him to say “yes, more than anything” like how he wants to so much, but when he opens his mouth, all words dry to his tongue.
Hwitaek stares at him patiently, but Shinwon can tell there is a hint of desperation behind his brown eyes.
Shinwon swallows the lump in his throat, “I don’t know.”
“Oh,” Hwitaek repeats, and Shinwon doesn’t miss the way his face falls. He looks down onto his lap and away from the taller, before he heaves out a long sigh, “Okay, then.”
“Okay?” Shinwon echoes dumbly. His heart throbs wildly in his chest, and it rings in his ears, deafeningly loud.
Hwitaek looks deep in thought, and when he snaps out of his trance, the first thing he does is turn back to his desk. He switches off the computer, “Let’s go home, Shinwon-ah.”
It’s still early, at least for Hwitaek, who doesn’t sleep until the sun is almost rising when no one is there to drag him into bed. Shinwon gapes down at the older, “Now?”
The man only nods in response, and then he is grabbing his things and leaving the studio, not bothering to wait for Shinwon, who is still standing there, dumbfounded. It takes a moment for him to chase after Hwitaek, and the two of them walk down to the streets in silence.
That night, when Shinwon reaches out and tries to hold Hwitaek’s hand, it is Hwitaek who moves his hand away. Shinwon has a hard time pretending that it doesn’t sting, and he feels empty the entire walk back home. It doesn’t go away even when he tries to fall asleep, and he doesn’t need to think hard to know why.
It gets awkward between them again, and this time not only on Shinwon’s part. They still pretend that everything is fine when they are in front of the members, but when they are alone they barely talk. Usually, when they are in the studio together, they end up talking one way or another, but now Hwitaek doesn’t seem to be that interested in making conversation about this video Shinwon saw on Youtube as much as he did before.
The whole boyfriend thing is put to a halt, too — Hwitaek is good at a lot of things, but especially at pretending that things didn’t happen when he wants to. If Shinwon didn’t know better he would be fooled, and perhaps, he would have forgotten too if it wasn’t for flashes of the times he had spent with Hwitaek as (fake) boyfriends in his mind late at night when he is supposed to be asleep.
Shinwon also notices how Hwitaek is keeping his distance. It’s not uncommon for Hwitaek to cling onto his arm whenever they talk, even before the whole thing, but that rarely happens anymore. The man is so careful to the point that Shinwon can’t help but applaud him, but one part of Shinwon is just upset at how Hwitaek chooses to pretend that nothing has happened between them. Maybe, part of it is his fault, but it’s the way that Hwitaek is detaching himself completely that pisses Shinwon off a lot.
He has never been very good at hiding his own emotions, especially not when he is sulky, so in hindsight, he probably should have expected it when Hongseok corners him in his room yet again, this time a lot less suspicious and a lot more concerned.
“Shinwon-ah, what’s wrong?” Hongseok has always been one of the first to notice when something’s off with Shinwon, and the crease between his eyebrows tells Shinwon that he is actually worried.
And, because Shinwon really doesn’t know what excuse to give, and because he supposes that Hongseok would be the last to judge him, he tells Hongseok everything, from how he and Hwitaek started, to the lingering touches and intertwined hands and heartfelt smiles and exchanged kisses, to how he thinks he might have fucked up. Hongseok has always been gentle, and he offers advice in a way that doesn’t make people feel bad but is still being honest, so Shinwon expected a sympathetic smile and a pat on the back, out of pity.
But Hongseok doesn’t give him any of that, instead he says plainly, “You’re being stupid.”
“What?”
Hongseok sighs exasperatedly, “Hui-hyung clearly likes you. You’re being stupid.”
“He’s just being a good hyung,” Shinwon argues, but he ends up trailing off, dodging Hongseok’s look of disbelief.
“Shinwon-ah, I’m a good hyung too but no offense, I will never offer to fake date you,” Hongseok deadpans, “He clearly likes you.”
“Then why didn’t he tell me?” Shinwon mutters, flopping into his bed and burying his head into his pillow. He hears the older sigh from somewhere above him, and then the bed is dipped down where Hongseok must have sat.
“I’d say that he doesn’t need to, but then I guess you’re so dense that you need him to spell it out for you.”
Face still buried into the pillows, Shinwon rolls his eyes, “I’m not dense. He could have just told me and… this wouldn’t have happened.”
Hongseok stays silent for a while, as if he is searching for words to say. Then, finally, he speaks up, “Enough about Hui-hyung. Do you like him, then?”
Shinwon freezes. Maybe a week ago, he would try denying it, but he figures now that it doesn’t hurt to admit it. He nods into his pillow, letting out a muffled hum.
“Good. Then tell him that,” Hongseok says, patting his back. Shinwon can hear the click of the door where it’s closed, and he turns around so he is lying on his back. He stares up at the ceiling until he eventually drifts off to sleep, the thought of Hwitaek in his mind.
Maybe, maybe, Hongseok is right.
When Shinwon wakes up from his nap, it is almost midnight. Normally, Hwitaek would still be at the studio, and he figures that it would be the best time for them to talk. It takes him a while to get out of bed, though, the frightening thought that Hwitaek has never felt that way for him and Hongseok had been utterly wrong, or the even more frightening one, where Hwitaek had liked him at one point but have given up on him, holds Shinwon back.
He ends up walking to the company, anyway, because at the end of the day Hwitaek has always been someone Shinwon relies on, and he doesn’t want that to change no matter what happens. The first thing he does, when he barges into Hwitaek’s studio, startling the man, is to say, “Let’s go on a date, hyung.”
Hwitaek turns to him, and there’s something in his eyes that makes Shinwon cower a little. He forces a smile which turns into a grimace at last, and he gestures for Shinwon to sit down, “Yeah, about that.”
“What about it?” Shinwon’s heart is racing, beating nervously against his chest, but he pretends to be unaffected.
“I think it’s time we stop… whatever this is,” Hwitaek says finally, offering Shinwon another grimace that looks a little more like a smile than his previous one.
Shinwon’s heart drops, “Why?”
“The whole thing—” Hwitaek takes a deep breath, and he ends up looking away from Shinwon, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have initiated it.”
“Why not?” Shinwon frowns, and he has the urge to reach out and hold Hwitaek’s hand in his own, “I liked it.”
“I did too, don’t get me wrong,” Hwitaek exhales shakily, “I just— I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you. I’m sorry.”
“You weren’t taking advantage of me,” Shinwon is quick to argue back, and this time he does reach out and hold Hwitaek’s hand, so tightly that there’s no way the older can pull away, “I wanted it. If I didn’t I would have said so.”
“Yeah, but—”
“Hyung,” Shinwon interrupts, and Hwitaek finally looks up at him again, “Do you like me?”
Hwitaek laughs, for the first time that night, but it’s bitter and Shinwon’s heart aches at the sound of it, “Of course. Of course I do. I think I’ve made myself pretty obvious.”
“Okay.”
“What?” Hwitaek frowns up at him, his eyebrows knit together. Shinwon wants nothing but to smooth the creases between his brows, but he holds himself back and engulfs in how Hwitaek’s hands are always warm.
“Then I’ve decided,” Shinwon says, “You’re right. We should stop this.”
“Oh,” the older man’s face falls, and he begins to pull his hand away, but Shinwon doesn’t let him.
“I don’t want to pretend anymore. Let’s be together, for real,” Shinwon grins down at Hwitaek, savoring every second as the older beams up at him, his eyes lighting up.
And, because he can, Shinwon leans down to kiss Hwitaek. It’s not their first kiss but it feels like one in a lot of ways, and he couldn’t help but smile.
Later that night, with Hwitaek snuggled into his side, Shinwon says, “Let’s go on a date, boyfriend.”
Hwitaek squints up at him sleepily, and a small smile tugs at his lips, “But nothing’s open now.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Shinwon stands up anyway, dragging Hwitaek with him. He links their hands just as they are about to leave the studio, “Everywhere’s good as long as you’re there.”
(When they go home that night, they don’t say goodnight to each other in the living room before disappearing into their own rooms. Instead, Shinwon falls asleep to Hwitaek breathing against his chest, and he realizes that there’s nothing else that he wants more in the world.)