Chapter Text
Killua was getting married - not to Gon, as childhood interactions may have fooled people like Aunt Mito, Bisky, and Knuckle into thinking - but to Leorio. Leorio, of all people, Gon often thought, not without an ounce of deep-set bitterness.
Dr. Leorio Paladiknight, MD; Boar of the Zodiacs; fiancé and soon-to-be-husband of Killua Zoldyck. The irony of Leorio replacing Ging for the Boar position of the Zodiacs was not lost on Gon; people always joked that Leorio was like his real, upgraded father.
Gon himself had never seen Leorio as a father figure but more of an older brother; the adult person he could rely on the most (aside from Mito). He was Gon's friend, support system, source of advice and reason; he was family to Gon and despite never saying the words in recent years, Gon had somehow expected Leorio to understand or at least respect that his childhood feelings for Killua had continued into adulthood.
Gon had always assumed that fate would work out in their expected favour; he had gone through his young life awaiting the eventual day where Leorio and Kurapika would have a quiet wedding that acknowledged Kurta traditions and indoctrinated Leorio as the second member in the clan's slow path to restoration. He often gave light daydreams the freedom to roam and fantasize about his eventual relationship with Killua - where he would propose (at the World Tree), where they would get married (Whale Island) and what his vows would include. But alas, he was too slow, too late, too stubborn - too everything but successful when it came to love.
~
(2 HRS PRE-CEREMONY)
Gon looked across at the small mobile phone balanced precariously against the bathroom wall of the upscale hotel room that Leorio had kindly booked for each guest, fiddling with his bowtie with a groan of frustration. He looked into the mirror, sighing softly as his reflection before turning his gaze back to the phone to glare at his biological mother on the screen.
"I still can't believe that you aren't coming - that you'd leave me to endure this alone! You'd leave your only son to face the most painful day of his life on his own? Do you really not care at all that I have to watch the love of my life walk down the aisle and marry one of my best friends!?" Gon's tone weaved between dipoles of betrayal and disappointed acceptance. To his annoyance, Kite only smiled at him, the wind blowing his silver tresses as birds chirped in the background of whatever island he and Ging had chosen for their new weekly destination. The smile was tinged with pity and affection yet it only grated on Gon's raw nerves.
"I would die for my son, Gon - I have died for you - I know you seek out and think that you need the comfort of my presence today, but I think we both know that it would only make things worse. My being there would not only heighten how real the situation is and make it harder on you to cope with the events of the day, but it would cause me direct pain as well. You cannot expect me to forego self-preservation wherever it presents itself, unless your life is at stake - it is a trait deeply loved by us Freecss men." Kite sighed with a shrug before adding, "You're on your own for this one, kid."
Gon had nothing to say as he finally fixed his tie and tried to flatten his hair - to no avail - before smoothing down the lush fabric of his suit. "You still could have come," he eventually muttered, pouting in a manner not unlike the petulant child he had once been, "Killua did invite you himself, after all."
Kite's gaze deferred away to the distance - most likely to Ging - before admonishing Gon, "Neither Ging nor I would have been of any help today, Gon - also, I misspoke; you're not on your own - rely on Kurapika; in a way, he is enduring the same pain as you are."
Gon didn't even have the time to formulate a response before the telltale chime sounded, signifying the end of the call.
~
(1 HR PRE-CEREMONY)
"Kurapika," Gon hissed as the tiny wedding party loitered before the doors of the hotel's impeccably decorated ballroom, eyes rolling at the pomp and flair of it all and how unmatched it was to Killua's natural style and tastes.
Kurapika looked up at Gon's bulkier form, a red tinge barely noticeable from behind his grey contact lenses. As was customary with 80% of their interactions, he started off with a lecturing tone to Gon, "If you're going to ask me to leave with you, the answer is no, Gon. We promised Leorio and Killua that we would be here as their best men. It would be dishonourable were we to back down from our word at the final hour. This is our duty as their friends. Leave if you must, but do not expect me to do the same."
Gon shifted on his feet in embarrassment, looking away before murmuring that he had not been going to ask that and that Kurapika was simply projecting his own innate desires onto Gon.
~
(1.5 HRS POST-CEREMONY)
The wedding ceremony itself had been a beautiful affair, despite Gon's qualms about its compatibility with Killua's personal inclinations.
The grand ballroom had been made into a winter wonderland; the aisles were lined with white, snow-capped trees and shrubs; hidden snow machines covered guests and all contents of the hall with delicate snowflakes, giving the air a crisp, pleasant chill that was clearly catered to Killua's tastes, Gon admitted to himself begrudgingly.
The servers adorned with crystal ties and gloves pouring black champagne into crystal flutes, LED panels that lined the walls showing images of lightning during a thunderstorm, chocolate fountains and chocorobo sculptures on each table, with ice-sculpted animals and couches all culminated to form an obvious ode to Killua while still reflecting Leorio's extravagant style.
The 6-tiered black wedding cake and crystal thrones for the married couple were the metaphorical cherry on the top of Killua and Leorio's joyous day, and yet, they merely served as the cement that solidified the concrete reality of what had been the worst day of Gon's life thus far.
He had managed to maintain an air of indifference and feigned joy throughout the ceremony, vows, Kurapika's speech and even his own speech, passing off his watery eyes as pride and emotion for two of his best friends on their special day; yet, it was Alluka's speech that seemed to drive the final spike into Gon's already thoroughly-skewered heart.
He had been able to endure the pain of watching Killua walk up the aisle with Alluka and Zeno (the only Zoldycks in attendance); white hair glinting as if adorned with jewels as the snowflakes caught the soft glow of the countless fairy lights lining the trees. He had been able to stand at Leorio's side, ever the loyal best man, and listen to him wax poetic about fate and never imagining a life with Killua, yet being so grateful for the Hunter Exam and Gon that allowed him and Killua to be initially acquainted. Gon had even been able to smile through Killua thanking him for leading them back to Leorio in their adulthood and pushing Killua to seek professional therapy in order to heal from the demons of his past, thereby allowing him to mature and see Leorio as a viable partner instead of an irritating older brother.
When Alluka finally took the mic, though, Gon was already at his wit's end and prayed to every deity in existence that he could last through her speech before hightailing out of there when the reception ultimately transitioned into full swing.
"Growing up, neither me nor Killua gave much thought to love - it seemed something far away; an unattainable fairy tale for people living our lives - and so you must all know how joyous of an occasion today is for me, seeing my beloved brother a married man!" A scattering of applause rang through the ballroom, attendants nodding and smiling kindly up at Alluka, awaiting her next word. Gon himself chose to lean gently against Kurapika, seeking his silent strength and the sorrowful comfort of the red perimeter around his irises, disclosing the level of emotion the Kurta was successfully keeping at bay.
Alluka continued, eyes meeting Gon's with a genuine smile, "Knowing my brother's penchant for strong, loud brunets with golden eyes, I actually always thought that my eventual brother-in-law would have been Gon - Gon Freecss, the best man to the left, for any of you who may not know! I'm sure my clarification isn't necessary, though, because we all know that Killua can usually be found wherever Gon is, and vice versa. Of course, it was all platonic and we were all just reading too much into what has always simply been a beautiful friendship." She paused as old friends and mentors of theirs like Bisky, Wing-San, Knuckle, Shoot and Palm, as well as Killua and Leorio themselves, all voiced soft agreement with fond laughter.
The voice in Gon's head screamed the opposite, pounding against his cranium and the chambers of his heart with each shallow breath that he drew into his rattling chest; he barely had time to bite his tongue in an attempt to muffle the soft, wounded cry that threatened to escape his tightly pressed lips. Alluka turned her gaze to Leorio, eyes filled with deep emotions of adoration and gratitude, "but I'm happy to say that the best possible husband for my brother is sitting by his side today. I could not have chosen a better partner for my beloved Killua, nor could I have chosen a better brother-in-law. Leorio is such a vital part of our 3-person family that I genuinely can't imagine how it was before him. He fills our days with the light, joy, empathy, compassion, strength and security that have been missing our entire lives - not to mention loudness! Let's just say this man will never need the services of a megaphone - I can tell you that his mic was actually turned off for his speech earlier!" she giggled along with the audience and wedding party, Gon himself forcing a breathy laugh as Kurapika smiled politely beside him.
Alluka raised her crystal flute with a cheer, "So here's to the married couple - my wonderful big brother and his true soulmate; the laughter to his frowns, the light to his darkness, the salve to his wounds, the thread that knits us together so tightly! This is the happiest day of my life as I know that my two favourite people have found eternal love in each other. Congratulations to Dr. and Mr. Leorio and Killua Paladiknight!"
The guests burst into applause, with some like Zushi and Meleoron jumping to their feet to clap and cheer in gusto.
Gon felt his vision blurring as his throat constricted painfully, as if there lay within one thousand needles swallowed from a broken promise. The noise in his head reached a screaming crescendo as he opened his mouth in a futile attempt to gasp in any amount of the ever-evasive oxygen; the last thing he had wanted was to draw any attention to himself, yet here he was, fighting a full-blown panic attack in the middle of his dearest friends' wedding. It wouldn't be long before he either went blue in the face or allowed the floodgates to open and release the dammed tears that had been constantly pushing against his eyelids all night; his charade would surely soon be over. He would truly succumb to his emotions in the middle of Killua's special day and expose his unrequited, pathetic feelings to almost all of the people that they held dear.
Like a light at the end of a tunnel; a pool of water in a desert; the penultimate volume of oxygen in a driver's tank, Kurapika's hand descended on Gon's knee, curved nails sinking into the meat of his flesh and serving as the vital grounding point to the present that was so desperately needed. Gon managed a shallow breath, afraid to intake anything more substantial in the fear that the tears welled in his eyes would spill over and crack open the carefully constructed dam.
The jarring sound of chair legs scraping roughly against beautifully buffed marble flooring drew more eyes to Gon's retreating form than was ideal, but he could not find it in himself to care, lifting instead a pack of cigarettes as an explanation while mumbling, "Smoke break" to the other members of the wedding party.
He scurried out of the ballroom without a look backwards at the room full of dear friends and lesser acquaintances both, grateful for undertaking one of Ging's 'hacks for shitty situations'. Ging didn't actually smoke (cigarettes) and neither did Gon, but the archaeological Hunter had deduced early on that being an apparent smoker provided vital chances for escapades from awkward or dangerous situations, or even chances to uncover dirt on others by offering targets a smoke or lighter.
Large feet unnaturally smothered in a pair of shiny dress shoes smacked sharply against the glinting marble of the lobby's floor; they did not come to a halt until their soles found the familiar canvas of the brown hues that symbolized the wooden base of a balcony. Rough hands, textured from a life of outdoor exploration landed against the cold, smooth bite of the railing moulded in stainless steel, clinging on for dear life as a hollow chest forced desperate gulps of air in a feeble attempt at diminishing the constrictive pains within.
A cigarette hung loosely between feebly draped digits, plumes and sparks battling for life against the chill of a winter's night in Yorknew city as its source of ignition maintained shuddering gasps of breath between the flood of tears that had finally burst forth through the crumbling dam. Gon angrily wiped at his eyes, hating himself and his emotions for collapsing at such an inopportune moment, cementing the claims of his apparently renowned selfishness and disregard for how his actions impacted the emotions of others.
He could not help it, though, despite how he tried to suppress the tears that signified his defeat - the one battle that he had lost with no alternate happy ending in sight. Killua was a person; not a prize to be won, nor was his love a battle to be conquered and his heart kept as war spoils, yet Gon still felt as if he had been sorely beaten out by Leorio in the most important war of them all.
As he brought the still-lit cigarette to lips chapped against the chill, sucking in a deep drag of its pungent wisps and revelling in the blanket of burning heat that flooded his hollow chest, before succumbing to a coughing fit, lungs protesting in testament to his inexperience in the vice, his mind drifted to remember the day that they got together.
There was not another event that Gon could recall more clearly in his life; his mind had memorized every detail available until that day was mentally cemented more clearly than his time with Ging atop the world tree; even more clearly than the day he finally discovered the truth of his birth and abandonment childhood as he, Kite and Ging sat around the table of a gritty diner on the outskirts of Dolle Harbour.
When it happened, Gon and Killua had been 23 at the time; Kurapika 28 and Leorio 30.
After 6 years of pining and self-reflection without seeing Killua, it was only following the restoration of his Nen at 20 that Gon eventually tracked Killua and Alluka down. Alluka had taken a vast liking to the culinary arts throughout the few years of travelling with Killua and had decided to go to culinary school, despite Killua's protests. It had taken her over a year to convince him but eventually, when Alluka turned 18, she had been reluctantly packed off to Le Bleu Cordon - the pinnacle of culinary art institutions.
Within the following 3 years, Gon had the chance to learn the changes in Killua, to learn the true pain of the horrors of the Zoldyck mansion, to reckon with how his selfishness and self-absorption had hurt Killua so deeply when they were teenagers and to make amends for it all.
In retrospect, maybe he should have seen it coming - maybe he had been naive or he had simply miscalculated how romantically compatible he and Killua could be amidst his years of yearning and waiting for the perfect moment.
He remembered the way that Killua's face had looked so soft and happy the evening after a day of sightseeing with Leorio; they had been staying with the newly resident doctor of Yorknew hospital for a week and while Gon had yearned for a lazy day in (for once), Killua had been restless and had given in to Leorio's insistence of them doing something each day. In a way, Gon blamed himself for not going with them that day - it was the pivotal interaction that had changed Killua's relationship and perception of Leorio for good, and the abruptness of it all still haunted Gon to the day.
Senses dulled by the emotional war that raged between his brain and heart, Gon jolted, cigarette falling onto the railing, as an elegant hand snaked around his bicep, yanking him back to the reality of the present. His heart lurched pitifully, hoping desperately for a split second that the hand belonged to Killua, but his nose told him differently seconds before his eyes raked over creamy skin, a shade darker than Killua's milky tone.
"Gon...?" Kurapika's soft tones lilted through the quiet night, "Do you need to leave? Has it grown to be too difficult to withstand? It is our duty but if you gain any consolation, I'll have you know that this is also an emotional battle for me as well."
The remnant tear tracks on his cheeks were scrubbed away hastily as Gon attempted to draw himself to his full height before faltering and slumping once again over the balcony's railing.
He looked at Kurapika, the whites of his eyes almost red enough to rival the Kurta's emotionally-scarlet irises, and managed a small smile as a delicate hand came to lay comfortingly against his palm. He allowed the elder Hunter to pull him into a slightly awkward hug, pressing his cheek firmly atop soft blond locks carefully pinned into a chignon and allowing the lightly floral scent mildly reminiscent of Aunt Mito to soothe him. His blunt fingers moved to stroke gently against a poised spine, as a giant would hold a china cup, providing silent comfort to the Kurta who had begun to shake, enclosed by the warmth of Gon's embrace.
It had not once crossed Gon's mind, how the nature of their embrace could be interpreted by an uninformed eye until he heard a small hitch of breath, followed by a cry that neither came from him nor Kurapika.
"You would think that you might have had the decency to inform us of this before the wedding!? How long has this been happening?"
to be continued...