Chapter Text
Cockroaches, cigarette burns and carpet stains. Not entirely unexpected décor for the cheap motel rooms they had booked out for the night. Sure, Murdoc supposed they could have kept driving for another couple of miles till they found something that didn’t reek of monkey piss. But all of them agreed that anywhere would be fine as long as they finally got some fucking sleep. The band had slept in worse during the early days. One night in this shithole wasn’t going to kill them.
Still, despite being dead tired from having driven all day, Murdoc couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep. He hasn’t been able to for the past few nights, either. Despite the nonchalant atmosphere that had surrounded the band after their reunion, he could not stop that gnawing worry in his head that all of it was going to go to shit soon enough because holy fuck they were a band again . After Plastic Beach, he figured they were done in forever. Nothing more than another name to add to the ‘Hall of Dead Bands. It had been a fear that plagued him since his escape in the submarine and eventual incarceration. That all his hard work would amount to absolutely nothing. Or, even worse, that he lost everyone forever. No more Russel, Noodle...or 2D. Especially 2D. Not that it would have been surprising, given all that’s happened.
Plastic Beach was...a nightmare and a fever dream all at once. He’d say it felt like Hell, but 2D was there with him. Even if the two were at their lowest, Murdoc had selfishly held onto the comforting thought that they were at least suffering together. A sentiment that was most likely not returned by the singer.
Murdoc let out a low growl as he sat on the hood of the car, smoking his third cigarette of the night. There wasn’t much to do during times like this. He supposed he could go back to his old vices of sex and booze; he thought he saw a bar somewhere up the road. But even that idea seemed to have lost its appeal. In the end all the old croon could do was sit and wait till either the sun came up or his body eventually gave in to sleep. As much as he liked to brag that he would forever be youthful, he could feel the years weighing on his chest like a cinder block. Really was a pain in the ass...
“Can’t sleep?” Murdoc quickly turned around to see 2D coming up from the motel. The singer stopped a bit behind him, hands tucked into his jean jacket as he awkwardly kept some distance between them.
The two haven’t been alone together since the band regrouped. Murdoc wanted to say it wasn’t on purpose, that they’ve just all been crammed together these past few weeks without much privacy, but the sheer tension between them said otherwise. There was a pause, before he sighed, “Nah.” He forced his shoulders to relax before giving a shrug, “Too cramped for my taste. Not exactly the Ritz, yeah?”
“It’s not so bad. At least you got the couch this time.” 2D noted. Murdoc got the couch, Russel got the tub, Noodle got the bed and 2D was given the honor of sleeping on the armchair this time around. Not too unlike how their old set up used to be like whenever they went out on the road during their starter years.
“Guess so.” He eyed the other a bit suspiciously, “Why are you out here, then? Thought you passed out the second we stepped in.”
2D shuffled closer and looked down the highway, “Can’t really sleep well anymore”
Murdoc merely nodded, pressing his lips together. Fuck, that’s right, the other was off pills. He’d offer to get him some, but it had been a conscious choice by the singer to go cold turkey. Least Murdoc could do was respect that. “Ah.” was all he could conjure up for a response before looking back toward the road.
After a moment Murdoc felt the car dip slightly as 2D moved to lean against the hood of the car with him. Propping a foot against the bumper, he pulled out his own pack and a matchbook he got at the last diner they stopped at. Slender fingers went to work, gripping the match securely as he gave a clean swipe to the back of the matchbook and ignited it before carefully cupping a hand over the end of the cigarette as he lit…Murdoc didn’t realize he was staring at him till 2D turned his head slightly toward him with a questioning gaze. Fuck-well-shit. Murdoc stubbornly turned to face the road once more, trying to push back those stupid, yet familiar, intrusive thoughts with a long, annoyed drag.
For a while the two sat in silence, watching the highway in front of them. Murdoc felt a sense of dejavu gnawing at his mind as it slowly occurred to him that the last time they had a smoke together had been at Kong. After that night, their comradery became a slow burning rivalry. Instead of running the band together, Murdoc found himself going toe to toe with the man who had been the closest thing he had to a real friend.
Before he could think more on that, 2D spoke up, “Did you ever think we’d be in a band again?”
Murdoc scoffed, “No.” he took the cigarette out of his mouth, “Did you?”
“No.” 2D looked down at the floor for a moment before he added a little quieter, “Didn’t really think I’d ever come back, to be honest.”
“What changed then?”
“I dunno...it was just time, I guess?” 2D let out a puff of white smoke before looking at Murdoc, “Did you think we’d come back?”
Murdoc shook his head, “I figured you’d all tell me to fuck off. Or not even bother to respond...but then you did. You all did.” he said softly There wasn’t a lot of time to really reminisce on past events. It all sort of slowly came in waves. Realizations that hit him hard nevertheless. “Sometimes...I...can’t believe it. It still feels…”
“Like a dream?”
“Yeah...yeah sure.” Murdoc leaned back, “...Feels like I don’t deserve it.”
“Well...it’s not like ‘deserving’ stopped you before.” Murdoc gave a shrug and 2D sniffled before adding, “You’ve always been gettin’ whatever you want you selfish prick.”
Murdoc and 2D looked at one another with a blank expression before, after a few moments, a smile spread across their faces. Then, laughter. “Alright, alright, fuck you. I’ll let you have that one.” Murdoc said, crossing his arms and leaning back with another laugh. That gapped toothed grin from 2D made the insult worth it. Murdoc laughed a bit once more before sighing, though a smile was still on his face. “Well, if I worked on what I ‘deserved’ or ‘didn’t deserve’ I’d still be stuck in that shithole I festered in workin some 9 to 5. Perhaps, oh god forbid, teaching at some god forsaken university.” 2D laughed again and Murdoc couldn’t help but smile wider at the sight. But of course, his mind had to ruin it by reminding him- hey, when was the last time 2D even smiled in his presence? The angry tears of Plastic Beach filled his mind and the smile faded a bit from his face.
The quiet of the night slowly settled once more and after composing himself, 2D shook his head, “I guess so. If ya stopped at that first band, you’d never get here.”
“ We’d never get here.” Murdoc corrected. 2D stared at him, caught off guard by the statement. “I mean, it’s my band but, you know...we all...pitch in.”
He squinted his eyes at him as he took a drag, “Like how?”
“C’mon...you know.”
The singer looked away, sighing as he scratched his temple. He was silent for a moment before finally speaking, “Murdoc...We’re all glad to be back, yeah? Glad to be back together making music. But none of us are going to stay if things stay the same.” Murdoc gave him a questioning look as 2D turned to look at him with a frown, “If you’re just going to treat us like trash.”
A low growl escaped him and he turned away, scowling at nothing in particular. He knew he wasn’t going to be like before. Knew that he wanted to change and that he regretted everything he’s ever done. That he was going to be a real leader and not fuck them over...but he didn’t know how to say it outloud. It felt like if he spoke those words, then they’d no longer ring true. “Look, it’ll all be okay.”
“How?”
“Well...it will be. Things are not the same. They don’t feel the same.”
“Yeah, it doesn’t now...but it feels like it’ll be the same. Like an...impending doom.” 2D shook his head as shifted on the hood.
“Look it’s just...weird. Weird and bloody crazy. That’s all.”
“We don’t know if you’ll go back to before.”
“I won’t.”
“Why?”
“Cause I said so.”
“So we’re just supposed to believe that? Believe that you won’t hurt the band?”
“Yes exactly. Trust your leader, trust me-”
“After years of you being an absolute dickhead?”
“Fuck off.”
The taller man scoffed, “Yeah, alright. Maybe we can just forget it all. Let it all stay in the past.”
Choosing to ignore the sarcasm in 2D’s voice, he nodded eagerly, “Yes! Exactly, let’s just all forget about everything and move on.” Murdoc slapped a hand on the hood with a grin.
“...But can I trust you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe we can all ignore the shit that’s gone down. Pretend you didn’t replace half the band. Start fresh and all that...but what about you and me?”
“...us?” Oh fuck. The band he was willing to talk about but them-their relationship-was still a sensitive topic. It’s not like their emotions were a secret. They’ve confessed before with equally disastrous results. Still, while Murdoc knew his feelings, albeit conflicted, still rang true he had no idea what the other felt at this point. Nothing good, he assumed. 2D had said it himself years ago- I will never fucking forgive you. Murdoc could see no reason why that would have changed.
“Yeah, us...I mean...we haven’t talked about what happened...”
“What is there to talk about?”
2D frowned and straightened up some, “You think that after everything that’s happened there isn’t a fucking thing we need to discuss?”
“What’s in the past is in the past-”
“But it still lingers, doesn’t it?” he scoffed, “Do you remember when was the last time we smoked together? What happened the last time we smoked together?”
“So it’s my fault I didn’t want to shag you?”
“Sod off, you know this isn’t what that’s about.”
Murdoc growled and threw his cigarette on the ground, “What do you want from me? I’m sorry I didn’t want to bang some horny teenager at the time because they confessed to me?”
“If I just wanted to fuck you then you would have let it happen the second I brought it up.” 2D brought both legs up to rest on the bumper, feeling anxious though very much angry at it all, “You know it wasn’t just that. That it was never just that.” 2D met Murdoc’s glare before the older man sharply turned his head away, head shaking. “You felt it too.” 2D’s frown softened a bit and he sighed, “...Why did you say those things, back then?”
Murdoc didn’t look at him, fists curled against the cold black metal of the hood. He wouldn’t harm 2D again, though. He doesn’t have that type of hatred to do so anymore. But that didn’t make anything easier. He swallowed thickly, “...I don’t know.”
“You don’t know.” 2D repeated, a twinge of anger coming back into his tone.
“Look-”
“Did it fuckin slip your mind? Is dementia kickin in early?”
Murdoc felt his defenses rise and he looked back at him with a snarl, “You know how long ago it was? You think I remember all of-”
“Fuck off, you can’t just ‘forget’ that.”
“I-”
“You know what you did to me that night?”
“2D-”
“You destroyed me, Murdoc.”
“...”
“I was broken after that. It fucked me up for a long time. You can’t just say that you forgot! That it meant nothing to-”
“ I WAS SCARED, ALRIGHT ??” Murdoc gritted his teeth. 2D jumped and shied away some, but continued to stare at Murdoc in surprise, “That night at Kong Studios I just...I was scared. Scared of fucking admitting anything. Relationships never worked out for me and anything good was always going to go away.” He sighed and hunched forward some. “I never...was good with shit like that. If you just wanted to fuck that’d be different, but you...you cared and I...I...did too.” The words felt like acid burning in his chest and bubbling up through his throat. It hurt to say them out loud, but it’s been a real bitch to keep them inside for so long. “And I don’t know why you’d fucking like me. After all I did to you then. And now, everything before this…” he shook his head, “I was scared and I took it out on you.”
2D stared at him, a heavy silence settling between them once more. He opened his mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. What the other said was a confession, but not an apology. Though it was a start. After a while 2D fumbled with the nearly finished cigarette, shifting it between his fingers, “...Scared of what? You knew I liked you.”
“...But then you’d figure out what I’m really like and...I figured you’d leave.”
“Murdoc you hit me with your car. Put me into a coma and knocked out both my eyeballs.” 2D huffed, “I don’t know how much worse you could be after that.”
“You know what I mean.” Murdoc shot back. They were silent for a moment before Murdoc sighed with annoyance,“Why did you fucking like me then, huh?” Murdoc looked at him with narrowed eyes, “All I ever fuckin did was hurt you. Why me?”
“Why?” he repeated. That caused a heavy sigh to come out of the singer. 2D stared forward, chewing on his bottom lip as he mulled things over. “Well, you’re narcissistic, selfish, mental, greedy, delusional, a smart ass and disgusting.” Murdoc frowned at him, but 2D continued. “But I realized then that you weren’t just the prick you made yourself out to be.” 2D tapped some stray ashes to the floor. “I started noticing things after we formed Gorillaz. Like how hard you worked and that everything you did was always for the band. You’re charismatic and genuinely love the fans; always happy to talk to ‘em and stuff. Helping them when they need it, too” he leaned back, “Plus you’re really talented, when you’re not drunk off your ass. But most important was...you cared. You care about all of us a lot. Even if you don’t show it that well...or even know how to show it.” 2D smiled faintly before looking back down at the ground. “I thought you were just complicated and alone. And I wanted to be with you.” The smile faded and he furrowed his brows, “After that night though...I thought that I was wrong. Just an idiot seein’ things that weren’t there and maybe I didn’t know you at all.”
Murdoc could only stare at 2D as the other took a long drag. The anger and bitterness was gone from the bassist’s expression and he was just...at a loss for words. All this time, he never truly understood why 2D had liked him. Even on Plastic Beach he couldn’t make any sense of it. But now...Murdoc scoffed and shook his head, “You really thought all that?” When the other nodded, he hesitated before asking, “You still think all that now?”
2D closed his eyes for a moment and Murdoc thought he could see the years of torment and enjoyment passing through his mind. Memories of the good and the bad. After a while he opened them and let out a sigh, “I don’t know.” he looked at Murdoc. “How could I know? Even without all the shit that went down...we’ve never even been together.”
“Mhm...we’ve been at each other’s throats more than anything else. More or less.” Murdoc looked down before back up at the other, “I still...I still feel the same. For you. Before. Like before, I mean.” he looked away uncomfortably. “Just so you know.” A snort of laughter from 2D caught him off guard and he snapped his gaze back to him, “What?? I’m just saying it!”
2D laughed again, some tension easing off of them, “I know, I know it’s just...you sound so bloody awkward.”
“Fuck you I told you I’m not used to this shit.” he waves a dismissive hand toward the other, but he doesn’t hold the anger for long. “....so what now?”
“I don’t know. I know things are...mixed up but...maybe we should just start off somewhere safer?” he meets Murdoc’s questioning look, “Like...friends?”
“Friends?” Murdoc ponders it over. He’s never had any sort of past romantic tryst begin with them being ‘friends’. It was usually a ‘we fuck or don’t’ type of scenerio. Even the few people he could loosely call friends were strictly just that. But if he wanted to get anywhere with 2D...hell, if he wanted to get the other to trust him again...then friends seemed like a good place to start. Murdoc slowly nodded, “Alright, yeah. Friends.”
A half smile spread across the singer's face and he looked up toward the stars. Murdoc followed suit, feeling the tightness in his chest finally unwind a little. The mood settles to something simpler and things feel...lighter. Not quite like everything was over but it was a start. Maybe, for once, Murdoc wouldn’t fuck this up.
-
Murdoc was fucking this up. Okay, well, kind of fucking it up.
Friends, it turns out, came to them easier than either of them thought. When they weren’t being assholes to each other on purpose, they got along pretty well. Sure they teased one another, but nothing malicious like before. Murdoc wasn’t sure if he’s ever smiled or laughed as much as he did in these past few weeks. Even Russel and Noodle took note of their new relationship. Both were hesitant, though seemed to only want the best for their bandmates and said nothing. All in all, their friendship was doing great. But it wasn’t the ‘friend’ bit that was the issue.
From what Murdoc understood, friends were supposed to be a platonic relationship type thing. Like how he felt toward Noodle and Russel. The more he spent with 2D, however, the less platonic this friendship was becoming. They’d be at an interview joking around and then he’d just have the urge to put an arm around him and pull him close. Or they’d be working on music and he’d want to lean over and kiss him just because he felt like it. Little things that surely weren’t what ‘friends only’ did. That wasn’t even mentioning those ever present sexual thoughts he had about 2D since the beginning.
The immediate attraction may not seem like much of a surprise given how they’ve both been in love with each other since the start of the band. But Murdoc really didn’t want to fuck this up. He didn’t want to ruin a good thing by trying to jump in too early. Things were getting better but...fuck he wanted to be more than just friends. His concern with taking that step forward was with 2D, though. Would he want to move on already? It’s only been a few months and they were making decent progress on the album. They were in a good place but still, he didn’t want to rush him if he wasn’t ready. He’s hurt 2D enough, he doesn’t want to push it.
But this kind of, barely qualifiable, ‘selfless behavior’ was hard. Murdoc was not used to putting others before himself and while he did care for 2D, he hated the impatient and agitated feeling in his chest. He felt smothered and he didn’t know how to handle it. Just being in the singer’s presence uplifted him as much as it brought him down. And it wasn’t like he could go to Russel or Noodle for advice. Neither of them were aware of what was going on. Or at the very least, Murdoc didn’t want them to know specifics because he knew what they were going to say. That he was being childish and selfish and that he was a shitty person for thinking this way etc, etc. As if he didn’t already know.
“Murdoc, wait!”
Ignoring 2D’s calls, Murdoc pushed through the heavy doors and out into the alley way. The video for Strobelite had finished a couple hours ago, though the shoot had quickly turned into a wrap party for the damn thing. A well needed one, seeing as how many takes were needed to make up the stupid dance scene; not counting the times 2D tripped over his own feet. Murdoc had already grown tired of filming it the second they started recording for the first take. Russel was lucky enough to get to sleep through the whole thing while 2D and Noodle spent the past few hours on the dance floor. Any other time Murdoc would have found it hilarious and entertaining to watch. But watching 2D dance and flaunt himself around the dance floor, even if it was with Noodle, gave him a twinge of jealousy. One even he recognized was ridiculous and unjustified. Either way, Murdoc had been in a shit mood for the past few weeks now and tonight it just all accumulated into something unbearable.
Murdoc cussed under his breath as he slipped on his jacket and adjusted the collar. He didn’t know where he was heading, but he’d figure it out on the way. Though before he could go far, the doors opened again and 2D stepped out. Murdoc started walking away, but the singer caught sight of him and quickly went after him. “Murdoc!” He quickly caught up with the other, using his longer strides to his advantage. “Where are you going?”
“Anywhere other than here.”
“Why?”
“Doesn’t matter. Go back inside, I’m-”
Murdoc was taken aback as 2D stepped in front of him, “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you.”
“Nothing is-”
“These past few weeks you’ve been acting like an asshole to all of us. You don’t talk, don’t hang out with us no more...even during the video you look bloody pissed.” 2D frowned, “What’s the matter? I thought everything was going fine.”
“Everything is fine. I just want fresh air, is that too much to fucking ask for?”
Unconvinced by his words, 2D crossed his arms, looking down at him with a scowl. “Muds, I know something is wrong with you.” Murdoc opened his mouth to argue but 2D added, “I know what you look like when you’re angry.”
Murdoc hesitated before shutting his mouth. Damn 2D, he was getting ballsier since Plastic Beach. It made him angry yet a little pleased as well. Just a little.“...Okay, fine. I am annoyed, happy now?”
Well, it was a start, “Annoyed about what? If it’s about the video we can add you dancing too-”
“It’s not about the bloody video!”
“Then what is it? I won’t know what’s pissing you off if you don’t tell me.”
Well that’s the problem. I don’t want you to know , he thought to himself. Murdoc tightened the grip on his arms and looked to the side, trying to think of how to word it. “...Things are going great as friends, yeah?” 2D nodded, “I think things are fucking fantastic. It’s nice to not be... like that anymore. I like it but…” he shook his head, “I just...I want things to be better. I want us to be...more, already.”
2D looked at him for a moment, “More? Like...more than friends?”
“Yes, but-fuck! It’s only been a few months and I don’t know if that’s too...if it’s too soon. So I haven’t said anything but-” Murdoc ran his hands through his hair, “It pisses me off that I can’t...be with you like that! That I can’t do more with you but at the same time I don’t wanna make it seem like I just wanna fuck you, ya know?” he let his hands drop to his sides.
“...So...you’re pissed because we aren’t together? That we can’t do romantic-y things?”
“...Yes.”
The singer snickered, though held up his hands when Murdoc gave him a look, “Muds, why didn’t you just bring it up?”
“I didn’t want to freak you out or pressure you if you weren’t ready. And...I didn’t know what to do if you said no.”
2D’s expression was a complicated one and Murdoc chose to look away, not enjoying this vulnerability at all. However the other soon spoke up, “You were actually being considerate for once.”
“I guess. So?”
“And it almost killed you.” 2D grinned, far too amused by the situation.
“Fuck you.”
2D laughed but gave him a sympathetic smile, “No, no! It’s nice, to be honest. And unexpected. But it’s...different from you. And I like it.” Murdoc grumbled, still not happy with the situation. But he did look up when 2D moved closer. “...It has been a good couple of months. Things felt...good. But, I kinda feel like you do too.”
Murdoc still seemed annoyed by the other’s amusement, but his expression softened a bit, “Why ‘kind of’?”
That prompted a grimace out of the other, “I like you Murdoc, and I like how things are turning out but...I still feel uneasy sometimes. Like you’ll go back to before. I know you said you wouldn’t,” he shrugged, “But it’s hard to forget.” Murdoc didn’t argue with that and kept his mouth shut, “...But you actually thinking about my feelings is a nice change.”
Murdoc huffed, but then smiled slightly. It was kind of good, wasn’t it? He’d pat himself on the back for that one, later. “So what now? What do you think?” 2D chewed on his bottom lip, thinking it over. Logic and desire were pulling in different directions and even Murdoc knew that he was conflicted. Murdoc was too. But looking at the other, he was reminded of Kong Studios again. Not about their fallout, but the moments before that. The calm before the storm when the two of them were dealing with their own festering feelings for one another.
“...I think...I wouldn’t mind if we gave it a try.” 2D said with a tentative smile. Though that smile grew when Murdoc smiled back. “But you gotta promise me something, Murdoc.”
“What is it?”
“That you’re not going to go back to how you were before. I’m not askin you to be a different person but to actually give a shit about the band. About us.”
Murdoc met 2D’s serious gaze with a softened expression. He wanted to make some sort of grand promise or proclamation that he’d change...but Murdoc didn’t want to pigeon hold himself into something he couldn’t do. Looking into 2D’s blackened eyes, however, melted him a little. He couldn’t promise much, nut he could at least promise to try, he supposed. “I will do my best.” he said with a nod. There was a pause before Murdoc moved closer and 2D followed suit. Fuck, he had been waiting for this since the beginning. To finally touch 2D like how he wanted. To feel his singer’s lips against his own. Murdoc moved a hand to rest behind 2D’s head, carefully burying his fingers in soft blue locks as he gently pulled the other closer-
Only for 2D to suddenly pull away. Murdoc looked at him with surprise and worry, wondering if he did something wrong, only for the idiot to turn to the side and sneeze. “Sorry, sorry.” he said, sniffling and looking back at Murdoc with slight embarrassment.
The singer gave a shiver and Murdoc huffed, “You’re cold. Where’s your bloody jacket?”
“Well I didn’t have time to grab it! I was chasin after you.”
“So it’s my fault.” Murdoc shook his head before shrugging off his jacket and handing it to the other. “Here. Put it on before you catch something. Last thing we need is you losin your voice.” 2D hesitated before slipping the jacket on, smiling to himself as he was surrounded by warmth. Murdoc rolled his eyes as 2D hugged the jacket closer to himself, “I’m not giving it to you permanently, by the way. I expect it back later. Don’t think you’re going to do that thing broads do and steal jackets.”
2D laughed, “Muds?”
“What?” he asked, looking down to adjust his shirt.
The question was met with 2D cupping Murdoc’s face. The bassist’s mind came to an abrupt halt and he looked up in surprise. He felt slightly calloused fingertips brush against his cheek as the other’s thumb brushed against his bottom lip. Then the singer leaned forward and kissed him. It only lasted a moment before he pulled back a little, “Thanks.” he said with a slight smirk. Murdoc let out a breathy laugh before he moved his hands up to cup 2D’s face and pulled him back into another, more passionate kiss.
Murdoc had spent hours imagining what it would be like to kiss 2D. If his lips would be soft or chapped, what he’d taste like and if the other would be confident or meek with his actions. They were questions he never thought he’d get the answer for and yet here they were. His lips were soft, though he could feel a slight prickle of the other’s unkempt facial hair against his skin. When he swiped his tongue against his, he tasted like cigarettes and raspberry jam. And when he moved forward, using his height to his advantage to loom over Murdoc, the bassist was pleasantly surprised that the other was not meek at all. Not in the slightest.
They pulled away and they stared at one another before suddenly, they laughed. Neither of them were sure why but it just felt right. 2D moved to drape his arms over Murdoc’s shoulders and he returned the gesture by putting his hands on the singer’s hips, pulling him a bit closer, “It’s not funny, you know.” 2D noted.
“You laughed first, idiot.” Murdoc smirked up at him, “So...together now?”
“Yeah. As long as you don’t do something stupid.”
“Hey, I’m a changed man. Besides,” he squeezed his hips, “I’m not going to give this up anytime soon. Not when I finally get to be with you.” 2D laughed but Murdoc was quick to pull him into another kiss, enjoying this moment far too much. For once, everything was forgotten. It was just the two of them and Murdoc couldn’t imagine it any other way.