Work Text:
Found at Last – A Yandere Diary Entry (Yandere Reunion Part 1)
Please try to make the capitalized He/Him/His pronouns sound a tiny bit special if possible. Nothing crazy, just a subtle tone of reverence perhaps. Make sure any references to her father are marked by poorly restrained resentment. It will play nicely into the character I think.
=======================================================================================================================================
[(fountain?) pen scribbling]
[ecstatic] Dear Diary,
I finally found Him.
I saw Him today for the first time in a decade.
Everything else I’ve seen during those 10 years is worthless. I’d gladly trade it all for a single second in His presence.
I didn’t talk to anyone from my new class today. The whole of my being was concentrated on Him. I can’t think of anything else but Him.
He’s changed so much since we were children, but when I saw Him in person today, I instinctively knew it was Him. His eyes and body language gave Him away instantly. I don’t think I could live with myself if I failed to recognize Him.
[reminiscing] Years ago, when I first convinced my father to allow me to train mixed martial arts and learn to operate firearms – though he obviously would never have obliged my request had he known my true motives – I went 5 full rounds of hard sparring against a junior Muay Thai state champion and I thought I was going to die. My vision was blurry and my heart was pounding out of my chest. Now that I am reunited with Him, I feel like that all the time... Except now it feels good. It feels right.
I haven't felt good and right ever since they took Him away from me, except in my fantasies. But they were always lacking. A weak, pathetic substitute. They kept me alive, but now that I've tasted REALLY basking in His presence again, they disgust me. They cannot compare to experiencing Him in person. It was audacious of me to think they ever could. [with conviction] NOTHING can.
[short pause]
It took me 8 years to finally escape from the United States, the country I was forcefully removed to so long ago, then 2 more to find Him.
[voice shaking] My hands are shaking so much as I write this. I’m sorry for tearing so many pages out of you already, Diary, but I keep referring to Him by His birth name, the name I used to call Him when we were little.
I do not know why He changed His names, first and last, but I must respect it. This new name must be somehow superior to the old one, for reasons I might be too ignorant to understand. Or is He also trying to hide His identity, just like me?
[scared] I hope it isn’t me He’s trying to hide from...
[resolute] Whatever the reason, I must submit to His will. I punish myself every time I refer to Him incorrectly, by hitting the hand that did it with a ruler 30 times. I write with my right hand and my left is relatively weak despite all my training, so the hits are not strong enough to be an appropriate punishment.
I wish I could strike my right hand with my right hand.
He sits in the front row with a friend of His. Apparently, they know each other from Junior High. I’d trade everything I have, all the money and things I... [ominously] Inherited... From my father. I would trade my entire fortune to switch places with that friend... But at the same time, I know I don't deserve to be that close to Him.
I feel terrible thinking these thoughts. I cannot ever GIVE Him anything. There is no such thing as MY fortune. Everything I have and ever will have is already His... [with desperate sadness] I hope He accepts it... Accepts me.
[despondent] I should have been giving my all to Him all these years...
[regretful] It might have been my father who separated us all those years ago, but I will never forgive myself for not trying harder to come back to His side sooner. I was His only true friend, and...
I abandoned Him. I will never be able to make it up to Him. I wonder if He has found a replacement for me, if He has a new true friend...
[sad] Is the person sitting next to Him better than me?
[short pause]
I didn’t want anyone to know I’m a transfer student, because that would draw attention to me. Maybe even give me away to Him. I’m not ready to confront Him, even though I'm quite confident in my conversational skills. Despite being forced to spend most of my life in a foreign country speaking a foreign language, I’ve managed to keep my native tongue impeccable and free of any accent through diligent work and hundreds of hours of practice.
[firmly] Still, I have ZERO interest in making new friends or building appearances beyond what is absolutely necessary.
I am here for Him... And Him only. [self-scornfully] No. I'm not just HERE for Him. I AM for Him, period.
[short pause]
Some girls in the class made fun of me because I didn’t talk to them or show interest in them when they made their introductions. I think they just assumed I was awkward, or mentally challenged. That I was an easy target. Or maybe they just felt and reciprocated my resentment. They didn't deserve to breathe the same air He did, let alone look at Him. And they didn't look. It made me very happy, but also confused me.
[genuinely bamboozled] Why would anyone NOT look at someone as wonderful as Him? How could they not be bedazzled by His brilliance? It felt as if I was the only person with functional eyes in a world of blind fools. It felt great. [hesitant] It felt undeserved.
The girls kept saying that I was mute and scary. I didn’t care. It was excruciating to keep my eyes off of Him, but I knew everyone would make fun of Him too if they found out my true feelings for Him, or realize His worth and try to take Him away from me again.
He heard some of the things they called me, and seemed surprised at first. [ecstatic] He... He even looked at me for a split second!
[raspy] I melted under His gaze. I can’t put a name on the emotion I saw in His eyes. Could it have been compassion? Pity? Did He wonder if I looked familiar?
[melancholic] My body has grown a lot since we last saw each other, but I hoped that at least my eyes would stay the same...
But He only gave me a cursory glance and then turned away. I know that He kept listening to them calling me names though, and, after a particularly nasty one, He turned towards us again and looked at the girl who said it with disgust. I saw a shadow of a frown cross His face, and He clenched His right fist.
Even when He is upset, His face is by far the most beautiful sight I’ve ever had the privilege of seeing. The girls kept saying mean things and laughing obnoxiously. I’m glad He didn’t say anything to them.
I wouldn’t deserve to continue living if He was to be bullied because of me. But first... First I would dispose of the bullies, of course.
I can’t believe He really did so much for me. Why would He risk His own safety for me? I don’t understand. [hesitant] Is He really so kind-hearted, even towards someone as undeserving of His consideration as me? Would He do this for anyone or am I special?
[bashful, giddy] I-is it possible that He recognized me?
[short pause]
[back to earth] Of course not. I think this is just who He grew up to be. I really hope no one tries to use Him because of that...
[threatening] For their own good.
Later the teacher asked us to sit in a circle. I smashed my way into the spot opposite the one He had chosen so that I could look in His general direction without arousing suspicion. I bumped into someone as I was claiming my spot, and they said something. I do not remember their face or what they said.
Then we were supposed to stand up one by one and say something about ourselves for about half a minute. The teacher said we should go clockwise, which meant that He was to go third.
[angry] I think He should always be first in everything so I got angry at the teacher, but then I realized that it’s uncomfortable to be the very first person doing the introduction so I decided to let it slide this time.
[non-sarcastically] His introduction was perfect and very unique. He said He liked books, especially fantasy and science-fiction, movies, video games, and music. The teacher then asked Him about His favorite book, and He said that it was “Ender’s Game”.
I wanted to cry because I never read it, despite the years of diligently reading popular titles in my native language in preparation for my return here.
Still, the 30 seconds of His introduction were the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. Since the attention of everyone in the class was on Him anyway, I could look at Him without worrying about causing Him trouble. I hated the others looking at Him, but the pleasure of being able to admire Him freely far outweighed the pain.
I felt blood roaring in my head, pounding rhythmically, and taking away my ability to think. So I just sat there, taking in His image, burning it into my retinas, into my being.
Then the blissful moment came to an end. He sat back down and someone else started their introduction. I composed myself for His sake. My turn was coming. I knew the others would be mean to me again if my introduction was a disaster, and I remembered that hearing them insult me inconvenienced Him. The thought of Him being inconvenienced because of me terrified me, but also gave me strength.
It took all of my willpower to make a generic introduction. I didn’t look at Him, but I knew He was looking at me. I dared not meet His gaze, but I felt it setting my soul ablaze. I don’t remember what I said exactly but no one laughed or made mean remarks so I think it was ok. I hope He didn’t find it distasteful...
The classes ended and I considered following Him home, but I felt unworthy of walking in His footsteps. Instead, I just went to the bookstore to get a copy of “Ender’s Game” and headed back to this temporary apartment. I can't wait for when my lawyers finally finalize the transaction, making me his next-door neighbor.
I considered hiring a high-end security service company to protect His immediate neighborhood in the case of a terrorist attack or other threat. Initially, I thought that assigning a dozen or so armed professionals to keep vigil in the vicinity of His house at all times would make me feel safer, but then I realized I'd start to worry that the company or one of the bodyguards might want to steal Him away from me. I must think of some way to secure His wellbeing without the involvement of third parties.
But that's for another day. I must go now, Diary. I intend to read the book at least twice tonight, so that I may understand any sublime references He might make to it in the coming days. If I start soon, perhaps I’ll be able to also squeeze in a couple of hours of sleep before dawn.
I want to look my absolute best in the morning. There is a slight chance He could look at me again, and it would crush my soul if He found me aesthetically displeasing.
[desperate] He might never think I’m pretty, but I don’t want to be ugly in His eyes...
[short pause]
I can’t wait to see Him tomorrow. I love Him more than anything else. He is everything to me. My existence is pointless without Him.
He is the light of my life, lost and found.
Found at last.