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"You've really never seen it before?" Ferdinand asks as a chorus of vaguely off-key bird chirps accompany the slow, clunky transition from the film's title screen into a hand-drawn animated rendition of the training grounds at Garreg Mach Monastery.
"Never," Hubert admits, resting his chin on the top of his Sunlight's head, closing his eyes and just breathing in the enticing scent of the man he had missed so much.
"But the first time we met, you made fun of me for wearing a Buttercup the Horse pin," Ferdinand reminds his partner. "So I figured you had to have some knowledge of the film."
"Yes, because one would have to be blind and deaf to go through the world without having some awareness of that horrible abomination." He sighs heavily, taking advantage of the movement to wrap his arms more tightly around Ferdinand. "Plus, Elle had a horse-girl phase when we were in junior high. Her parents took her and Dima to Mittelfrank Land and she came back with this horrible ugly sweater that said I <3 BUTTERCUP on it and sang when you pressed its nose."
The orange-haired man stifles a giggle at that, but, more than anything, he feels glad to hear it. He hasn't had the opportunity of meeting her in person yet, but he's glad to know that Elle - her name in this life, as "Edelgard" has long-since been condemned to the same bin of 'names for someone's grandma' as Muriel or Agnes or Rhea - is getting a chance to live such a carefree life this time around. She and Dimitri are twins, raised by loving parents, and she works in sales at a company that manufactures replica weapons. Best of all, in all the photos Hubert has proudly shown off on his cell phone, her hair is a waist-length river of gentle, autumnal brown.
The scene zooms in on the training grounds, where a rather accurate - if slightly shorter, probably to emphasize the youthful height difference between the two - Ferdinand von Aegir is sparring with a Felix Hugo Fraldarius who looks significantly more cheerful than he ever had in life. Standing in the shadows is a twenty-year-old Hubert who somehow looks more like sixteen, likely thanks to the softer curves of his face and the wistful look he wears in place of a sinister smirk.
Hubert sputters. "I never...I n-never....I NEVER looked like THAT!" he manages to get out, sounding utterly offended.
"No, you didn't," Ferdinand placates. "You were far more handsome." He pecks Hubert on the cheek, and that gets the man to shut up in time for the first song of the film to begin.
"This feeling in my chest
Makes it so I can't do my best
I don't understand
Why I want to take off these gloves and hold your hand
It must be...."
Hubert cringes. "Whoever wrote these lyrics is...er..."
"A genius!" Ferdinand crosses his arms as a swarm of crows and black butterflies begin to surround young-Hubert, who has started to spin around as he sings, the cape that was definitely not part of the Officer's Academy uniform spinning behind him.
"How have they not noticed him?" The dark-haired man points to the still-sparring Ferdinand and Felix, as they cycle through a repetitive series of movements, neither gaining the upper hand despite the obvious reach advantage Ferdinand's lance has over Felix's sword. "He's singing, and twirling around and surrounded by birds, but they just go on fighting like nothing weird is happening?"
"It's a musical, Moonbeam, don't question it!" He presses a finger over Hubert's lips as the Hubert on screen continues to belt at the top of his lungs.
"Hatred!
What I feel for you must be hatred!
Burning through my body and my bones!"
"Well this part is accurate, at least," Hubert says with that sinister smirk of his Ferdinand loves so much, and the man who had once been the Adrestian Prime Minister has to shut him up with a kiss.
After movie-Hubert's solo, the next song is a group number which introduces the students of the three houses and their professors. It's kind of unnecessary, given how many of the characters don't really play a role in the story once the Two Jewels get together, but Ferdinand loves the song regardless.
Now, knowing who he is, having known them, he can pick up on the little inaccuracies. Bernadetta coming out of her room for a giant group dance would never have happened. Sylvain had been a flirt, but he could have gone at least a few minutes without winking at someone cute, while the animated version appears to be suffering from some sort of permanent eye twitch. And the real Claude von Riegan would never have worn pants quite so painted-on, although Ferdinand now understands why his friend Lorenz is so attracted to his own tight-pants-wearing beau who resembles (and more than likely is) the historical leader of the Leicester Alliance.
"This song is hard to listen to. I can't for the life of me pick out the lyrics," Hubert murmurs into Ferdinand's ear as Tight Pants Claude sings about how cool it is to be a suave schemer. "Each of the houses is singing their own thing, and the Archbishop and the staff are also singing something completely different."
"That's the lyricist's style!" Ferdinand defends. "Stefan von Sonnehof insists that group numbers where everyone is singing the exact same thing is unrealistic, because nobody is having the same thoughts and feelings at the same time."
"Yes, because a musical which prominently features a singing horse is the absolute epitome of realism," Hubert retorts.
"Shh, my song's coming up!"
Ferdinand isn't actually the biggest fan of his animated counterpart's big monastery-days solo. Sure, he'd memorized all the lyrics and had belted it out at karaoke more than once, but it's always felt a little...shallow. The song was called "I am Ferdinand von Aegir," and most of the lyrics consisted of the Ferdinand character reaffirming said statement over and over again. In the "Making Of" documentary, von Sonnenhof had explained that the song made sense to put here because so many letters and journal entries preserved from the time period revealed that the historical Ferdinand had used his own name as a battle cry. It was one of the few areas in which Ferdinand thought von Sonnenhof's devotion to historical accuracy might have gone a little too far.
"Von Aegir!
My name is Ferdinand von AEGIR
They call me Ferdinand von AEEEEE-GIRRR
And someday I'm gonna set the world on FI-REEEEE"
Hubert removes his arm from around Ferdinand's shoulders and buries his head in his hands, completely unable to force back the laughter bubbling up from deep inside him. "Oh, Sunlight, that's perfect. It's so you!"
Ferdinand blushes crimson, but, knowing what he knows now, he had to admit that the song is more accurate than he had previously thought. He has more than a few members of proudly shouting "I am Ferdinand von Aegir" before a sparring match, before entering a tournament, before going into battle....okay, maybe he had actually said it as much as the historical documents claimed.
"Can we fast forward? Please."
"Unless you agree to also let us fast forward through every scene featuring Buttercup, then no."
"Fiiiiiiine." Ferdinand takes one of Hubert's hands and puts it over his own eyes so he doesn't have to watch the rest of the scene.
Speaking of Buttercup, the next bit is the introduction of the talking, singing horse himself. Following a short and unfortunately non-musical scene in which animated-Hubert leads the Black Eagles in taunting animated-Ferdinand, the young man runs into the stables in despair, where he meets Buttercup and is instructed in the valuable art of Staying Positive and Keeping Your Chin Up and all those other important messages which every Mittelfrank film seemed to feel the need to convey.
"Move forward with all four feet!
Oh wait, you've only got two
But you can still gallop along on the road to life!"
OK, Ferdinand has to admit it: maybe Buttercup's songs aren't exactly musical classics.
"This is terrible," Hubert says flatly. "And an insult to all of the actual mounts who carried you through the war."
Ferdinand has to agree, but he can't give his partner the satisfaction of agreeing with him. Instead, he settles for yet another pout, remembering now that the Hubert of the past had found him utterly irresistible like that. "You think that's bad? Cethleann re-imagines Saint Indech as a sassy singing lizard."
"We're never watching that," Hubert responds, not meaning a single word of it.
After Buttercup manages to teach Ferdinand the Power of Positive Thinking, they're treated to a rushed montage of the two growing closer during their monastery days, set to a sappy pop song which had, somehow, won a Best Original Song award in the year of the film's release despite the movie containing many far superior musical numbers . There's Hubert and Ferdinand working together to weed the garden, mucking out the stables (with Buttercup dancing and winking in the background,) "eating" in the dining hall by moving their forks mechanically up and down without a single morsel of food ever actually passing their animated lips. They fight, they argue, they train, they soar into the sky on a suddenly-winged Buttercup while Hubert shrieks in terror and wraps his arm around Ferdinand's waist.
"That never happened!" non-animated-Hubert insists.
"I wish it had," Ferdinand grins. "Still terrified of heights in this life?"
"Unfortunately so," says Hubert. "You won't be getting me on that Immaculate One coaster they have at Mittelfrank Land."
"But you're saying you would go to Mittelfrank Land with me?"
Hubert tightens his embrace. "Anything for you, Sunshine," he admits, his tone sincere without a hint of mockery or teasing.
As animated-Hubert and animated-Ferdinand fly on suddenly-a-pegasus Buttercup, Ferdinand's hair lengthens and their outfits gradually change from monastery uniforms into battle gear, a clumsy way of showing the passage of time. By the time they land, they're suddenly at Gronder Field, surrounded by similarly aged-up versions of their former classmates. Edelgard, clad in her bright red battle-gown and horned headpiece, is standing wordlessly towards the center of the field, glaring at an equally silent Claude and Dimitri.
"She didn't wear that at Gronder," Hubert protests, offended on behalf of his dearest friend. "That was a formal ensemble! For ceremonies and balls...she had far more practical armor to wear on the battlefield!"
Ferdinand can't help but giggle at this. "Once the Minister of the Imperial Household, always the Minister of the Imperial Household," he teases his beloved.
"I suppose it's because she always insisted on wearing that whenever I could get her to sit for a portrait," Hubert admits. "Besides, what was with that whole scene of us riding on Buttercup. They skipped so much....they skipped the ball."
Ferdinand cracks a grin. "You only asked me to dance because Caspar dared you to."
"Well...you said yes." Hubert pauses. "I suppose it is nice to have a few things that are just for the two of us."
Ferdinand agrees. He's not sure how he feels, knowing now that pretty much his and Hubert's entire lives are on display in various museums. But for now, he focuses on cuddling closer into Hubert's side and enjoying the next song.
"On This Day" is generally considered to be one of the musical's greatest triumphs, as a newly-revived Byleth manages to fling herself between the three warring armies just before the bloodshed breaks out. Ferdinand knows now that it's a horribly over-simplified and over-dramatic representation of what had actually happened - in reality, there had been months of negotiations, treaties to sign, piles of paperwork and unending sleepless nights - but the song is still pretty great.
"On this day
I fight beneath the standard of the Eagle," the woman playing adult Edelgard sings.
Hubert's eyes widen.
So do Ferdinand's. He's seen this movie more times than he can count, but this time that voice strikes a chord of recognition in him which it never had before.
"On this day
I fight in my father's name," Dimitri sings, but neither man is paying attention. Hubert grabs the DVD cover - an anniversary collector's edition, of course, because what else would Ferdinand own - and flips to the back.
"On this day
I dream of our days of friendship and wish they could return to what we once had," Claude reminisces, his voice low and sorrowful as he runs an over-dramatic hand through his perfectly windswept hair (which must have been where much of the animation budget for the film had gone.)
"Dorothea Casagranda." Hubert reads out the name with reverence, as though it's a prayer.
"Do you think..." Ferdinand asks, but Hubert already has his phone out and is Googling something rapidly, fingers practically flying over the screen.
"On this day
My students listen to me," Animated-Byleth dramatically raises the Sword of the Creator above her head, a poorly animated silhouette of the Goddess hovering behind her as she sings.
"We can have peace once again
On this very day"
"It could be a stage name," Ferdinand murmurs, not quite ready to believe, to accept what might just be happening. "I mean, naming oneself after the two greatest performers of the original Mittelfrank..."
Hubert shakes his head. "It's not."
"This is the day of the deer and the eagle and the lion
This is that very day"
Hubert flips his phone around and shows Ferdinand a picture of a woman dressed in an Edelgard costume. "She works at Mittelfrank Land."
The white wig covering the woman's hair can't hide those eyes, that smile. Ferdinand knows her. "We have to introduce her to Ed...Elle," he corrects himself hurriedly. "Looks like we will be taking that trip to Mittelfrank Land after all, Moonbeam."
Hubert picks up the phone once again, presumably to text Elle about this, but Ferdinand rescues it and places it firmly facedown on the table. "Later. Your big song's next."
"Oh no"
The scene transitions from Gronder Field to the streets of Enbarr. Animated-Hubert stands in the shadows as animated-Ferdinand is sworn in as Prime Minister of the Adrestian Empire. "This is the moment where Hubert has to decide whether to confess his love to Ferdinand or stay in the shadows being a villain and cutting the Emperor's bloody path," Ferdinand explains.
Hubert holds his once and future husband's hands tight. "It was one of the most difficult decisions I made in my entire life....well, lives, I suppose," he admits in an uncharacteristically small voice. "Is the song at least a good one?"
"My favorite in the entire movie," Ferdinand answers honestly.
Animated-Hubert holds up a book of dark spells, singing to the tome instead of to the faraway Prime Minister.
"Your dark power was once my only friend
But I find myself longing...
Do I even have a heart?
Can we spend our lives apart?
Were these twisted hands ever meant to be held
Was I ever meant to feel belonging..."
As the song builds to a climax, neither man speaks. Sensing how emotional this moment is for Hubert, Ferdinand clasps his hand tightly, wordlessly answering the questions the on-screen version of his beloved is asking.
"Being a villain, skulking in the dark
Cutting a bloody path for her sake
Was all that I had
To fill that role, I was glad
But Ferdinand, you are the change in me
I feel like I'm finally coming awake"
The song ends with a dramatic moment, as animated-Hubert lifts the spell book high and tears it in two, the pages fluttering around him as he symbolically chooses to become more than the "man in the shadows" he had been. But neither man witnesses it, as the real Ferdinand and Hubert are locked in the kind of passionate kiss they've been waiting centuries to experience once again.
"Ferdinand, you've made me come alive!"
It's possible they might never have pulled apart, need to breathe be damned, but Ferdinand hears the first notes of the pair's climactic love song begin to play and eagerly turns to face the television once again.
Hubert pales as his and Ferdinand's animated counterparts clasp hands, a mix of pink and black flower petals beginning to swirl around them. "Ferdinand. Sunbeam. Dearest. Why is Buttercup on screen during our big love song?"
"Er...." Ferdinand sounds far more tentative, almost shy. "....he....gets a verse in the song."
Hubert's palm collides with his face as he repeats his earlier sentiment: "Oh no."
The song itself is pretty nice, a little sappy for Hubert's taste but generally sweet, but Buttercup's verse is atrocious. The horse (or is that a pegasus? Hubert still isn't quite sure) sings about how now that Ferdinand has found love, he's going to be lonely, and who will ride and brush him. Hubert has only seen the Mittelfrank movies which Elle and now Ferdinand had forced him to watch, but he has a feeling that this is probably the most inane bit of music which any of them have dared to feature.
Finally, finally, the film is coming to an end. Animated-Ferdinand and animated-Hubert kiss, and another of those weird, clunky transitions happen to show them now kissing at their wedding day, in front of a crowd at the Imperial Palace. The cast of characters sing a clunky reprise of Hubert's earlier song, replacing "Hatred" with "True love," then one of that song about Ferdinand's name, and then one of the Gronder Field number. Hubert is shocked to find that this animated wedding might drag on even longer than the real thing, which had been full of so many long-winded speeches by the likes of Seteth and Hanneman and Lorenz that the dark Minister had eventually Warped himself and his new husband back to their chambers rather than endure another moment.
Hubert had hoped that the wedding would be the final scene, but he is wrong. Instead, he's treated to a slideshow of animated recreations of portraits depicting him and Ferdinand at various points in their lives, accompanied by a song apparently called "Two Jewels," sung by Dorothea-as-Edelgard.
"The Two Jewels of Adrestia
Brought forth our golden age
And their heroic deeds
Were recorded on the page"
Hubert hears a sniffle slightly to his left. To his surprise, Ferdinand is crying. "Sunshine? Love? Are you okay?"
"I'm just...I'm so happy I finally found you, Hubert. I missed you. So much." He is now openly sobbing into Hubert's black cashmere sweater as the taller man gentle strokes his love's back.
"Well...I'm here now, Ferdie, Sunshine. I'm here." He can't think of anything else to say, but it's clearly the right thing, as Ferdinand throws his arms around his Moonbeam and holds tight.
"And all our years of peace and prosper-i-ty
Never could have come to be
Without the men who came to be known
As Adrestia's Two Jewels!"
As the singer repeats "Two Jewels" over and over again and the credits roll, Ferdinand turns his tear-stained face upwards to look at Hubert. "Did...did you like that?"
"Parts of it," Hubert admits. "Not Buttercup, though."
"He is a little more annoying than I remembered," Ferdinand reluctantly concedes. "I guess I'll have to take down my giant Buttercup poster before inviting you up to my bedroom?"
Hubert practically freezes with fear. "Ferdinand, you can't be....you can't be serious..."
The orange-haired man winks. "You'll just have to see if I am," he responds, blowing Hubert a kiss as he races up the stairs, knowing his love will follow.