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Philza was losing it.
He was gonna go crazy.
He was going to crash the car.
"PHIIIIL! RANBOO WON'T SHARE HIS GUMMY WORMS!" Tubbo whined from the back seat and Eret turned around, eyes widening.
"That's massive!" They yelled.
"It weighs five pounds!" Ranboo said, holding his bag of gummy worms and easily pushing Tubbo away.
"Why do you need a five pound bag of gummy worms?" Eret marveled.
"I have two actually!" Ranboo said and pulled another bag from under his seat.
"Can I have some?" Eret asked and Ranboo nodded, pouring some into their outstretched hand and Tubbo wailed.
"RANBOOOOO!" He yelled and Ranboo ignored him.
"JUST GIVE HIM SOME FUCKING GUMMY WORMS." Philza yelled and Tubbo cheered as Ranboo begrudgingly handed him some.
"Hey do you think if you pissed in Hell it would just evaporate?" Tubbo asked as he munched on the gummy worms.
"What the fuck." Philza mumbled and Eret turned to face him.
"Well depends on if the ground is too hot. If the ground is too hot it'll evaporate but if the air is too hot it could ignite." Eret said.
"Why the fuck are you encouraging this?" Philza deadpanned, eyes locked on the highway.
"PISS FLAMES!" Tubbo yelled, swinging his arms up and smacking Ranboo in the face
"Phil!" Ranboo shouted, holding his nose and Tubbo panicked.
"No, stop wait I- Ranboo nO-"
Philza turned quickly when he heard his youngest son go dead quiet and found Ranboo had unbuckled and tackled his brother, covering his mouth as he sat on him.
"Ran, get off your brother now." Philza said as he returned to watching the road.
"But he-"
"Now."
"Ugggggh." Ranboo moved to get off him and suddenly let out a loud shriek.
"PHIL, TUBBO LICKED ME!" Ranboo yelled.
"Both of you stop bothering me and complain to Eret now." Phil demanded and Eret sputtered.
"What?" The eldest cried and the two younger kids started whining about the other to Eret.
An hour passed and Tubbo was knocked out, laying across the back seat, head on Ranboo's lap and the older scrolled through his phone.
"Hey did you know the bumble bee population has decreased 30% in 2020?" Ranboo read off his phone and Tubbo was suddenly fully awake, sitting up and almost knocking heads with Ranboo.
"WHAT?" He cried out and as they approached a red light, Phil smacked his head against the steering wheel.
"Why would you read that out loud, Ranboo?" Phil groaned and Tubbo started crying, very, very loudly.
"They're all gonna die! And no one's gonna care! And then there won't be honey and flowers and then flowers will die and then trees and then people and all the cute little bees are dying and AHHHHHH!" Tubbo sobbed out, cries getting louder and Phil repeatedly smacked his head against his steering wheel now.
"Tubbo if you don't stop crying, I'll put you back in that box where I found you." Phil threatened and Tubbo covered his mouth, muffled sobs filling the car as Tubbo tried to force himself to stop.
Ranboo panicked a bit, always the overthinker. "Wait, would you really?" Ranboo asked, having only been added to the family a month ago after Phil found him next to a demolition sight, shaking and lonely
"No, but I'm going to lose my marbles if this keeps up." Phil said and Ranboo breathed easy after that.
Another hour passed without any major events, Tubbo being calmed down easily by watching the Bee Movie on his tablet, Ranboo scrolling through reddit and Eret was talking to their friend Elaina.
"Are we there yet?" Tubbo asked innocently and the car erupted as Ranboo unbuckled again, ready to lunge at his brother.
"Okay that's it, Phil mark Tubbo down as my first kill." Ranboo said and Tubbo screeched as he too unbuckled, falling out of his seat to avoid his older brother's rage.
"Are we nearly there yet?" Eret sang out merrily and Ranboo moved in the car again.
"Mark down Eret as my second. One two, here we go." Phil couldn't see anything, only heard Ranboo growl, a loud thump, and then Tubbo was crying again.
"Wait, no, shhhh sh sh sh, stop crying, shhh," Ranboo panicked and tried to shush his brother and Phil would've laughed had it not been like this four hours now.
"We're stopping for food." Phil said, turning again and Eret looked at him.
"You said we wouldn't stop for food because it wasn't that far and you didn't want to waste money." They said.
"I changed my mind, I can't go another hour like this." Phil said and they emptied out of the car once they parked in an Applebee's parking lot.
"Masks on everyone." Phil said and Ranboo started searching the trunk.
"Uhhhh," Phil turned, seeing Eret wearing their strawberry print mask and Tubbo his bee print mask but Ranboo maskless.
"No don't-" "I forgot mine." Ranboo mumbled and Phil let out a groan, adjusting his own mask that held the Bleach anime logo.
"You're sure it's not in the car?" Phil asked and Ranboo nodded. "Nowhere in the trunk and it wasn't in my seat." Ranboo replied.
The next five minutes were spent trying to find Ranboo's mask or at the very least a spare.
"Oh wait i-" Tubbo moved his seat cover he had (he didn't like sitting on the sticky leather) and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
"I was sitting on it. Sorry." Tubbo apologized and handed his brother his black and white mask.
Phil exhaled and just nodded. "It's fine, he has it, we can go eat now."
"Race ya!" Tubbo shouted and he, Eret and Ranboo all took off running, Phil simply walking after.
"HOW'D YOU GUYS GO SO FAST?" Tubbo cried, just now catching up to Eret and Ranboo after a good twenty seconds (which was a lot considering it was a small parking lot).
"You're short." Ranboo teased, motioning his hand over Tubbo's head.
"NO IM NOT!" Tubbo whined. "Phil, Ranboob is being mean!"
"Don't call me Ranboob!" The two started pushing at each other and Phil just walked into the restaurant, tired of them already, and Eret followed.
Ranboo and Tubbo ran after them as they were all seated in the way back.
"I want chicken strips!" Tubbo cheered, Eret on his other side, Phil across him and Ranboo next to Phil in an attempt to separate the boys.
"Oh I want chicken strips too!" Ranboo said, sitting up straight and Tubbo pointed at him. "Phiiiil! Ranboo is being a copycat!" Tubbo yelled and the two started arguing again.
The waitress came over and took their orders, seemingly unbothered by the two almost 18 year old teens fighting each other across the table.
"Alright so two chicken strips with fries and mashed potatoes," "TUBBO I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" "A serving of steak with onion rings-" "BOOB! BOOB MAN!" "and a hamburger with fries?" "PHIIIIL!" "And a sprite for all of you is that correct?" The waitress read off her notebook.
Phil rubbed his temples and nodded as she took off.
"Remind me to tip her 20 dollars." Phil mumbled and Eret nodded across him as their two brothers started to fight across the table.
"Ranboo, I will stop driving you over to hang out with Fundy if you don't stop. Tubbo same goes for you and Tommy." Phil threatened and both boys went silent as they sunk down in their seats.
Once they finished their meals, Phil made Eret sit in the back with Tubbo, Ranboo sitting up in the passenger seat and all was calm for about half an hour.
But of course peace never lasts.
"Phil," Ranboo spoke suddenly and Phil gripped his streeing wheel, staring at the road. "Yeah?" He asked.
"We're lost." Ranboo stated.
"Nope, no we aren't." Phil insisted, though he definetly was.
"We are."
"Nope."
"Phil," Eret spoke. "You took a wrong turn, we definetly are."
Tubbo laughed from the back. "I know the right way," Tubbo sang.
"Tell us," Ranboo insisted and Phil refused to admit they were lost.
"No, you guys were being mean, I'm having my villain arc." Tubbo joked.
"Your what?" Eret asked.
"In stories, when a character goes bad it's called a villain arc," Ranboo said. "And Tubbo you're being stupid, tell us."
"No! You're being mean." Tubbo mumbled, looking out the window and laughing.
"I've got it, don't worry." Phil said.
"Nope, you'll never find it." Tubbo huffed. "You took one wrong turn but you won't know which wrong turn, I do."
"Tubbo," Ranboo mumbled. "Tell us."
"No! Villain arc!" Tubbo whined.
"Wait," Ranboo squinted and pointed out. "I remember that mountain Phil, turn over there."
"NO!" Tubbo whined and started kicking Ranboo's seat.
Phil turned down the road Ranboo pointed to and they were back on track.
"I'm such an unsuccessful villain." Tubbo whined and Ranboo turned. "Canon kill," He shouted and grabbed Tubbo, shaking him.
In retaliation, Tubbo grabbed his seatbelt, pulling it back and half choking him.
"Boys," Phil said.
"Hahaha! Now we're both trapped." Tubbo said as he was been shaken.
Phil went dead silent and Tubbo and Ranboo released each other.
Ranboo poked his dad's cheek as the other stopped responding.
"Guys, Phil died." Ranboo informed. "Does anyone know CPR?" He asked and Tubbo grabbed Phil's shoulder and shook him.
"Wake up!" Tubbo yelled and Eret started shaking Phil's seat to try and help.
"That's it, I'm crashing the car." Phil spoke after ten minutes and pretended to swerve into traffic, making the three younger boys scream and grab onto their seats, Phil laughing as he continued on track.
After that they were silent in fear for another half hour.
"How much is a Ferrari?" Tubbo asked. "What?" Ranboo asked, turning in his seat.
Tubbo had his phone open and was scrolling. "Yeah, how much is a Ferrari? Cause like, you know the business I teamed up with? We sold a lot recently so I got a lot of money and wanna buy a Ferrari."
"Don't buy a Ferrari, Tubbo." Philza stated and Tubbo pouted. "Why not?"
"Save up for a house." Philza stated.
"Aren't they super expensive?" Eret asked and Tubbo shrugged.
"I don't know, google won't tell me." Tubbo said and then gasped. "WOAH! 603 thousand dollar omigod."
"You could buy a house." Ranboo said. "Save it to buy a house idiot," Philza stated.
"I'm only 16 why would I need a house?" Tubbo asked and then gasped. "Wait no, I'm not 16, how old am I? 17!"
"Did you just ask us how old you were?" Ranboo joked and Tubbo playfully punched his arm.
"I forgot." Tubbo mumbled. "That's my job." Ranboo joked and noticed they were being parked.
"Are we there yet?" Tubbo asked, noticing too. "Yes." Phil said, sighing and everyone cheered, grabbing their luggage and running into The Woodland Mansion Resort.
"Finally we're here!" Phil said, stretching. "You still have to drive back." Eret noted.
"No, you're going to drive back, I'm going to sleep." Phil said and walked into the building.
"I- hey, no I didn't agree to this-" Eret chased in after.
"PHIL!"