Work Text:
Image Description: A letter from Patrick, written on an off-white page torn from a notebook. There are creases in the middle from being folded into thirds, and it’s slightly wrinkled from a tight grip. Patrick’s writing is in messy block letters with a slight slant, and the occasional misspelling or crossed out letter. At the bottom of the second page there is a small piece of silver birch bark taped to the paper, curling at the edges. The text reads as follows:
David,
I’m sorry. I don’t know how to start this. I don’t even know if you’re going to read it. But I guess it’s about time I got all these thoughts down on paper.
So here goes.
When you first came here two years ago, I didn’t know what to think. Rachel and I had just ended things after trying to make it work for so long. Well… Does grade nine sound long? It felt like ages. But at the same time everything goes so fast. Anyway, we knew we weren’t right for each other. I guess I didn’t know I was gay because… well I didn’t have to think about it. Turns out the more and more you tell yourself something, the more likely it is to be true.
I knew I was gay when I avoided looking at the other boys on the baseball team in the locker room after practice. I knew I was gay gay when I tried to kiss Rachel and nothing felt right. But I knew . I really knew the day you first came to outdoor school.
Do you remember that day- the first day- your first day- in the canoe? Because I do. I was so impressed, David. Okay if you’re reading this you’re probably rolling your eyes and I get that. But truly. I wish I had to confidence you have. To be so brave. Open. To be seen.
It was never my intention to hurt you, but I know now- I knew instantly- the damage I caused. I don’t know how many times I can tell you I didn’t mean it, or that I’m sorry. Because I am. And I’ll say it 1000 more times.
When I told mom + dad that night I came home from your place- Rosewood- they hugged me when I cried and believe me when I say I cried for a long time. They told me I had nothing to worry about. They apologized. Apologized for not making you (or me) feel comfortable enough to share with them. Mom probably would’ve had you over for pancakes the next morning if you hadn’t got on that flight. Dad would probs bug you w/ more Sunrise Bay questions. (Sorry, again.) Fun fact btw- he now moderates the subreddit. I’m sure he’d love to infodump if you asked.
They miss you. They ask about you. (Still.)
Is it crazy to say I miss you too? I miss us.
When you left… I tried. Nothing worked. Nothing. Is. Working.
I want nothing more than to have you back, but I understand if this isn’t what you want write now.
If you have gotten this far and haven’t torn this thing up, I guess all I can say is thank you.
Best,
Patrick Brewer
PS- my solo spot is right near a birch tree. Thought you could make something beautiful with this. You always do.
x