Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Asshole

2:53pm

Childe: kaeeeeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Childe: KAEYA

Childe: Kae

Childe: ya

Childe: K

Childe: A

Childe: E

Childe: Y

Asshole: ohmygod W H A T??

Childe: whats an isotope

Asshole: i take phys, not chem

Asshole: also arent you supposed to know?

Childe: how am i supposed to pay attention when theres this beautiful man that sits in front of me

Asshole: i can smell your gayness from the physics building

Asshole: it smells like shit

Childe: EXCUSE ME

Childe: i have you know that my gayness smells amazing

Asshole: ew

Asshole: please never speak again

Childe: i'll stop talking when zhongli notices me

Asshole: well i guess i better ask zhongli to "notice you" before i go deaf

Childe: YOUVE TALKED TO HIM BEFORE???

Asshole: yeah, we're in the same bio class

Asshole: he's very polite

Childe: DON'T TALK TO ME

Childe: TRAITOR 

Asshole: He has such a soothing voice too

Childe: FUCK

Childe: YOU

Asshole: maybe later

Childe: I'M GONNA TELL DILUC

Asshole: lmao good luck trying to approach him

Childe: watch me bitch

Kaeya's Whipped

2:58pm

Childe: heyyyy diluc ;))

Kaeya's Whipped: Who are you, and how did you get my number?

Childe: unimportanttt

Kaeya's Whipped: I'm blocking you

Childe: NO WAIT

Kaeya's Whipped: What.

Childe: do you know who Kaeya is?

Kaeya's Whipped: No??

Childe: good. he's an asshole

Kaeya's Whipped: ...blocking you.

Childe: WAIT

Kaeya's Whipped: WHAT NOW

Childe: ...do you know what an isotope is

Kaeya's Whipped: Bye.

Child(e)

3:04pm

Kaeya: lmao you dead yet

Child(e): HE COULD'VE AT LEAST TOLD ME WHAT AN ISOTOPE WAS

Kaeya: LMAO

Kaeya: just search it up ohmygod

Child(e): nahh i rather stare at my man allll day

Kaeya: that's disgusting. please stop.

Child(e): yooo yknow what i was just thinking

Kaeya: god no what now

Child(e): we should be eachothers wingmen!! like help eachother get with our crushes

Kaeya: that's a terrible idea

Child(e): EHH WHY

Kaeya: bc zhongli alr likes me ;)))

Child(e): B I T C H

Child(e): 

Child(e): so is it a yes or a no

Kaeya: you know ill always help you bb </3

Child(e): </33

4 braincells (and all of them belong to Keqing)

5:16pm

Probably drunk lol: Some random dude tried to text me

Zhongli: Who?

Probably drunk lol: Idk, i blocked him

Probably drunk lol: His phone number was xxxx xxx xxx

Sane: OMG CHILDE TRIED TO TEXT YOU AND NOT ROCK BOY??

Sane: WHAT THE FUCK

Sane: NO CHILDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING JSJDKDAL

go away: finally omg

go away: still gonna kick his ass after homework tho

Sane: xiao give that poor soul a break

go away: HELL NO HE STILL OWES ME 10 BUCKS

Sane: in the end kaeya will probably end up paying for him tbh

Zhongli: Who's Childe?

Zhongli: Keqing, Xiao, you guys seem to know who Childe is

Zhongli: And who is this....rock boy?

Probably drunk lol: Yeah I want to know too 

Probably drunk lol: the rock boy part is obvious though

Sane: BAHAHA ZHONGLI 

go away: childe is a pain in the ass and a bitch

go away: do not approach a male with ginger hair

Zhongli: Does Diluc not fit that description?

Probably drunk lol:  I have RED hair, Zhongli

Zhongli: Again, does Diluc not fit that description?

Sane: xiao's talking about orange hair, not red

Sane: BUT i DISAGREE. CHILDE IS A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING

go away: NO HES NOT HE TRIPPED ME ON PURPOSE.

go away: zhongli, just avoid all people with orange hair

Zhongli: Noted.

Sane: i'm adding him

go away: WHAT NO ??

go away: KEQING I WILL KICK YOU

Sane: it's okay i'll get kaeya to kick your ass

go away: BITCH YOU AND ME BOTH KNOW THAT KAEYA IS WEAK TO MY KICKS

Sane: he kicked you there once and you cried

go away: THAT WAS YEARS AGO WHAT THE FUCK

Probably drunk lol: oh? yes, um, Childe? was it?

Probably drunk lol: yeah he asked if I knew Kaeya

Sane: oh my god

Sane: OH MY GOD

Sane: CHILDE IM SO PROUD OF YOU AHHHH

Probably drunk lol: what???

Probably drunk lol: who's kaeya anyway

go away: my point still stands, PLEASE DO NOT ADD CHILDE AND KAEYA

Sane: i'm adding childe and kaeya

Probably drunk lol: nevermind i guess

Zhongli: I'd like to meet this 'Childe'. He seems very interesting.

go away: ZHONGLI DID YOU FORGET THAT I TOLD YOU TO AVOID HIM

Zhongli: Oh.

Probably drunk lol: nah, add them

Probably drunk lol: I want to piss off Xiao

Probably drunk lol: ...also i want to know who childe and kaeya are

Zhongli: I know Kaeya. He's in my biology class.

go away: I HOPE YOU ALL ROT IN A PIT OF SNAKES

Sane added Childe and Kaeya

Childe: KEQING NO WHAT DID YOU DO

Sane: oh shit

Kaeya: KEQING STOP ADDING ME TO RANDOM GROUPCHATS HOLY FUCKING SHIT IN HELL

Kaeya: I'M GOING TO VENT OUT MY ANGER TO A CERTAIN IDIOT BY THE NAME OF CHILDE

go away: EW CHILDE

Childe: EW XIAO

Zhongli: ....hello?

go away: nnoNNONONONO

go away: BIG MISTAKE

go away: ZHONGLI WHY DID YOU TALK

Zhongli: I wanted to interact with this "Childe".

Childe: 

Childe: Kaeya. Kick me. Right now

Sane: you're going to regret asking for that childe

Kaeya: anything for you bb </3

Sane: oh no

Sane: quick, xiao, say some goodbye wishes

go away: i hope childe dies

Zhongli: That would be quiet unfortunate

Childe: i can't FEEL MY LEG

Kaeya: YOU ASKED ME TO KICK YOU

Childe: BIT C H

Childe: YOU'RE COOKING DINNER TONIGHt

Kaeya: IM NOT DOING ANYTHING FOR YOUR SORRY ASS

Childe: YOU WANNA FUCKIN DIE BITCH

go away: kick him harder next time

Kaeya: GLADLY

Kaeya changed Childe's nickname to Child(e)

Kaeya: mm it matches ur contact name

Child(e): no wonder ur contact name is asshole

Kaeya: ITS WHAT

Sane: Diluc has been awfully quiet....

Kaeya:

Kaeya: Keqing.

Sane: oh no

Sane: XIAO SAVE ME

go away: I TOLD YOU NOT TO ADD THEM

Zhongli: does "Kaeya" have a problem with Diluc

Kaeya: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU BOTH KNEW ABOUT CODE A AND CODE B

Kaeya: AND YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TELL US

Kaeya: also why did you put my name in quotations ;;

Probably drunk lol: just...watching their weird friendship dynamic

Kaeya: i'm deceased

Child(e) changed Kaeya's nickname to hot jack frost

Child(e): see how much i care for you </3

Child(e): and yet you do nothing for me...</3

hot jack frost: my hair isn't even white wtf

Child(e):

hot jack frost changed Child(e)'s name to hot tortilla chip

hot tortilla chip: ohmygod kaeya i fucking love you 

hot jack frost: yeah i know sTOP HITTING THE WALL I GET IT

Zhongli: Um..

Sane: yeah, they do that

Sane: but at least they keep group chats alive

Zhongli: Are you two...an item?

hot tortilla chip: i can hear kaeya gagging from next door

hot jack frost: SO BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME I'D DATE...THAT THING

hot tortilla chip: YOU DIDNT JUST CALL ME A THING

hot tortilla chip: i have you know that i'm an AMAZING partner

hot tortilla chip: and you'd be lucky to have me as your s/o

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA STOP GAGGING

Zhongli: is that so?

hot tortilla chip:

hot tortilla chip:...yes.

Zhongli: I see

Zhongli: My name is Zhongli, a pleasure to meet your acquaintance

hot tortilla chip: aha...

Zhongli: Am I doing something to make you uncomfortable?

hot tortilla chip: NO NOT AT ALL

Sane: he's so whipped

Probably drunk lol: what?

Zhongli: Whipped..?

Zhongli: What does "Whipped" mean?

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA STOP LAUGHING

hot tortilla chip: AAAAAAAAAA

Chapter Text

Operation: Don't tell Diluc who Kaeya is

deformed orange: O K A Y 

jean: what's the point of this gc  wtf

deformed orange: Diluc doesn't know what Kaeya looks like yet

deformed orange: we should let him figure out his lOVE for my sweet, sweet kaeya

lisa: i for one, think that this is an amazing idea

lisa: kaeluc, fuck you all

move im gay: yES I AM 100% ON BOARD WItH THIS IDEA

Razor: Venti, you seem to be running on 20% more crack than usual

not a furry: cHILDE THIS IS A BAD IDEA IM DOING IT

not a furry: DON'T THINK THIS IS BC I DON'T HATE YOU

deformed orange: aWW XiAO

not a furry: N O

rabbit: I'll contribute!

Zhongli: I'll do it

deformed orange: wow even zhongli

deformed orange: zhongli, i fucking love you

Zhongli: You are a great friend as well, Childe

move im gay: OUCH THATS GOTTA HURT

deformed orange: GO AWAY VENTI I'M GRIEVING 

Diluc

11:15am

Zhongli: Diluc, if you see someone from my biology class, could you please ask them to text me the biology assignment?

Diluc: Sure? But why

Zhongli: I am heading to Study Hall. I unfortunately do not have the time.

Diluc: Okay, I will

1:49pm

Diluc: Zhongli

Zhongli: ?

Diluc: There's this person with dark blue hair and an eyepatch in front of me

Zhongli: Oh! Perfect. Could you ask him to text me the biology assignment?

Diluc: Okay yeah, but who is it

Zhongli: Sorry, I'll answer it later I need to go.

Diluc: No problem

Diluc: He said "sure".

Tiny Bastard

1:52pm

Diluc: I cannot believe that I'm texting you

Tiny Bastard: AWWW DILUCCCC

Tiny Bastard: TO WHAT DO I OWN THE PLEASUREEE

Diluc: Venti, shut the fuck up

Tiny Bastard: I'm afraid I can't do thaat uwuwuwuwuwuw

Diluc: Please stop

Tiny Bastard: grandpa >:(

Tiny Bastard: so what do you need

Diluc: Um....

Tiny Bastard: oho

Diluc: Do you know anyone with long blue hair and an eyepatch

Tiny Bastard: yea

Diluc: Who is he?

Tiny Bastard: huh? why?

Diluc: FOR FUCKS SAKE DO I NEED A REASON WHY

Tiny Bastard: Y E S

Diluc: ...he's pretty

Diluc: and his voice is hot

Diluc:

Diluc: Venti?

Tiny Bastard: brb cryign

Jean

1:58pm

Diluc: Jean

Jean: diluc

Diluc: Do you know someone that has dark blue hair and an eyepatch

Jean: ...no?

Diluc: That was a very suspicious no

Jean: okay, i do

Diluc: Great, what's his name

Jean: WELL WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE TIME

Diluc: WHAT THE FUCK

Razor

2:00pm

Diluc: Razor

Razor: Bye

Diluc: 

Lisa

2:01pm

Diluc: 

Lisa:

Diluc:

Lisa:

Diluc: Lisa

Lisa: bye

Diluc: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH EVERYONE-

Lisa: is it about a guy with dark blue long hair and an eyepatch

Diluc: oh wow how did you know

Lisa: If you're gonna ask if I know him, the answer is fuck off

Diluc: ...what the fuck

Amber

2:03pm

Diluc: Hello, Amber. I am here to ask about the Ancient History assignment.

Amber: What ancient history assignment-

Amber: OH SHIT

Diluc: Great, now that I have your attention

Amber: ...double oh shit

Diluc: dark blue long hair. eyepatch. who.

Amber: captain cook??

Amber: must be a pirate

Diluc:

Amber: i'll give you a hint

Amber: his name ends with a

Diluc: You suck.

6 Braincells (and all of them are dead)

2:06pm

hot tortilla chip: i like how kaeya and i were just gracefully accepted into the gc

Sane: why're you texting in class?

hot tortilla chip: why are YOU texting in class

Sane: i'm not in class bitch

hot tortilla chip: o h

Zhongli: Childe, you should not be texting in class

hot tortilla chip:

hot jack frost: Childe just hit his knee very hard on the table and now he's sobbing

hot jack frost: so i came to see who made him simp that hard

Sane: LMAO 

Zhongli: Simp?

Probably drunk lol: Part 2 of Zhongli Doesn't Know 21st Century Vocabulary

Zhongli: Oh yeah, Kaeya

hot jack frost: sup

Zhongli: I do not understand what you are required to do for part c

hot jack frost: Hold on

Sane: I love how Kaeya just betrays Childe so easily LMAO

hot tortilla chip: I THOUGHT YOU WERE BAE

hot tortilla chip: JUST TURNS OUT THAT YOU'RE FAM

go away: came online to see kaeya's reaction

hot jack frost: CHILDE NO IM SO SORRY BB IM IM 

hot jack frost: D I  E

go away: kaeya never disappoints

Probably drunk lol: I feel like you're sending mixed signals here

hot jack frost: 

hot tortilla chip: AHAHAHA

Zhongli: Oh, I see

Zhongli: Thank you Kaeya

hot jack frost: no problem <3

hot tortilla chip: oh its hURTS

Zhongli: Are you in any of pain?

Zhongli: Shall I bring you to the hospital

hot tortilla chip: i-

hot tortilla chip: ITS OKAY IM FINE

hot jack frost: ah, whipped

Zhongli: Again, what does that mean

Probably drunk lol: Part 3

hot tortilla chip: zhongli pls

hot tortilla chip: zhongli pls i love you

Zhongli: I love you too.

hot tortilla chip: WHAT

Zhongli: Yes, you are a great friend. However, I would like to meet you in person.

hot jack frost: gonna write that down

go away: AHAAHA FRIENDZONED T W I C E 

Zhongli: "Friendzoned" is a term used for people in love, am I correct?

Zhongli: So who is Childe in love with?

Sane: you're so stupid it hurts

Zhongli: Ah, so you finally understand how I feel.

Sane: ...zhongli

Sane: 

go away: AHAHA KEQING

Sane: i'm

Sane: i'm in shoke

Sane: shock*

hot tortilla chip: shoke

hot jack frost: hOW DID YOU EVEN GET THAT

Sane: KAEYA, I HOPE YOU PERISH

Probably drunk lol: OKAY WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH EVERYONE

Probably drunk lol: ZHONGLI YOU STILL HAVENT TOLD ME WHO HE IS

Zhongli: Sorry, I forgot.

Probably drunk lol: So??

Zhongli:...I forgot.

Probably drunk lol: I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHO THIS ONE PERSON IS IT IS THAT HARD

hot jack frost: wait describe them?

hot tortilla chip: oh no

Zhongli: Diluc, Kaeya does not know the identity of the person you are speaking of.

hot jack frost: well maybe i do-

hot tortilla chip: NO YOU DON'T OKAY GREAT KAEYA LETS GO GET SOME LUNCH YEAH???

hot jack frost: wait-

hot tortilla chip: HURRY UP

hot jack frost: ugh okay im coming

Probably drunk lol: WHY IS EVERYONE AVOIDING THE QUESTION

Childe's Whipped

3:20pm

Kaeya: hey zhongli

Childe's Whipped: Hello, Kaeya

Kaeya: just wondering if you wanted to come hang out with childe and i at a cafe tomorrow !!

Childe's Whipped: I suppose if I finish the assignment in time, I will attend

Kaeya: perfect! you can bring other people if you want

Childe's Whipped: Can I bring Diluc?

Kaeya: ummm sure

Childe's Whipped: Wait, I just remembered something.

Childe's Whipped: I will not be bringing Diluc

Kaeya: what?

Kaeya: okay??

Childe's Whipped: I will see you tomorrow, hopefully.

Kaeya: okay! also part d is an essay :)

Childe's Whipped: Oh. Shit.

Kaeya: Oh shit, indeed.

Chapter Text

6 Braincells (and all of them are dead)

9:30am

Sane: okay, where the fucc is zhongli?

Sane: I've been trying to text him the ENTIRE DAY 

Probably drunk lol: Keqing its 9:30 in the morning

Sane: your point? 

go away: if he's with that childe bitch istg

hot jack frost: i have never been in a more awkward situation in my life

go away: SPILL

hot jack frost: ...i'd rather not

Sane: oh no what did you do this time

Probably drunk lol: ?

Sane: interested in my sweet little kaeya aren't you ;))

hot jack frost: keqing you're short asf

Sane: SHUT THE FUCK UP

Probably drunk lol: I mean, it would be nice to get to know him more

hot jack frost: i

hot jack frost: saem !!11!

Sane: you broke him

Probably drunk lol: Whoops?

go away: BACK TO THE TOPIC...WHERE IS ZHONGLI

go away: IS HE WITH CHILDE

hot jack frost: Okay before i tell you...how about physical violence is off the table??

go away: ...

Sane: KAEYA OH MY GOD YOU MADLAD

Sane: YOU DID DIDN'T YOU

hot jack frost: I DID 

Sane: AHAA

Sane: IM SO PROUD

hot jack frost: THANKS MOM :')))

go away: KA E YA. ALBERICH. 

hot jack frost: okAY DONT KILL ME

hot jack frost: so i may or may not have arranged a hang out with zhongli and childe

Probably drunk lol: Wow, good job, you're an idiot

hot jack frost: EXCUSE ME

Sane: Diluc barely knowing Kaeya but insulting him anyway

Probably drunk lol: That's how I function

hot jack frost: ugh theyre so disgustingly in love i dont even want to touch my food :((

go away: KAEYA I WILL KILL YOU

hot jack frost: try me bitch

Sane: WAIT GIVE US THE GOODS

Probably drunk lol: *sips tea*

Sane: Diluc,,,,diluc are you okay

Probably drunk lol: I am never okay

Sane: Uhh yeah haha same

Sane: ANYWAY

Sane: how gross are they? are they xingqiu and chongyun gross??

hot jack frost: UGH EVEN W O R S E

hot jack frost: OKAY LET ME GO FROM THE TOP

hot jack frost: SO CHILDE AND I ARRIVE FIRST RIGHT? WE ORDER OUR FOOD AND EVERYTHING

go away: i do not condone this i want to disappear and never come back

Sane: SHHH KEEP goING

hot jack frost: ZHONGLI ARRIVES, AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S BEEN BLESSED BY THE GODS

hot jack frost: aND HE'S ALL LIKE, "SO YOU ARE CHILDE??"

hot jack frost: MEANWHILE CHILDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO HYPERVENTILATE AND HIS FACE IS ALL FLUSHED

hot jack frost: ALL LIKE YEAH WE'RE IN THE SAME CLASS YKNOW I SIMP FOR YOU SHIT

go away: OH GOD STOP EW NO I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS

Probably drunk lol: THIS IS INTERESTING, CONTINUE 

hot jack frost: AND IM JUS HERE IN THE CORNER WITH A FORCED SMILE 

hot jack frost: TRYING TO REMEMBER WHY IM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE

hot jack frost: i excused myself to the bathroom but ive been in here way too long they're getting suspicious

Sane: mymy kaeya whatever could you be doing in a bathroom for so long ;)))

hot jack frost: cAN YOU NOT KEQING

Probably drunk lol: So what you're saying is, Zhongli is whipped for Childe

hot jack frost: indeed

Probably drunk lol: So anyway, about that person I was trying to get the name of

go away: NOPE SORRY DILUC

Probably drunk lol: i dont even know why i tried

hot jack frost: hang in there soldier

12:16pm

hot tortilla chip: gwhat the fuck

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA

hot jack frost: ;)

Zhongli: Hello

Sane: HEY LOVEBIRDS ;) 

go away: ZHONGLI.

go away: WHAT DID I SAY.

Zhongli: My name..?

go away: NO ABOUT THAT STUPID ORANGE HAIRED IDIOT

hot tortilla chip: RUDE,,,

Zhongli: I do not think I can avoid such beauty, Xiao

hot tortilla chip: o-oh

hot jack frost: mf really stuttered over texted

hot tortilla chip: says the one that went sAEm !!!111!!!111!!!

hot jack frost: sTO P

Zhongli: I am not in love with Childe, though. I do not know what you are implying.

hot tortilla chip: oh

Sane: how does it feel

hot tortilla chips: *sobbing*

hot jack frost:  sir you're capping

Zhongli: As far as I am concerned, there are no lies. I would also say that you are quiet attractive, Kaeya.

Probably drunk lol: wow he knows what capping means

hot tortilla chip:

hot tortilla chip: HOME

hot tortilla chip: W R E C K E R

hot jack frost: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONTROL WHAT HE'S SAYING

Probably drunk lol: Lmao Zhongli you're sending some mixed messages

Zhongli: I am only telling the truth

hot jack frost: okay then answer this, do you like childe's voice?

Zhongli: Yes

hot jack frost: well that was quick

hot tortilla chip:

hot jack frost: childe's so red im crying

hot jack frost: okay now imagine his voice, but its a higher pitch and its dragged out

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA WHAT THE FUCK

Sane: OHOOO

Zhongli: I don't think I can imagine that

hot jack frost: okay, take childe saying your name

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA STOP

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA WHAT THEF UCK

go away: I AGREE KAEYA STOP 

Zhongli: Okay..?

hot jack frost: and now, make it dragged out

go away: KAEYA 

hot jack frost: not a lot, just a bit

Zhongli: Wow, it sounds annoying

Probably drunk lol: PFFT

go away: i give up bye im extinct

hot jack frost: okay now make it a higher pitch, only by a bit

hot jack frost: so he sounds desperate

Zhongli: I don't understand the point of this

hot jack frost: okay now pretend that Childe is out of breath

Zhongli: 

hot jack frost: do you like it ;))

hot tortilla chip:

Probably drunk lol:

Sane:

Zhongli: ..yes??

hot jack frost: OH MY GOD IM

hot jack frost: ZHONGLI 

Zhongli: I do not know what benefited from this

Probably drunk lol: Congratulations! You win the grand prize of 1 000 000 mora and a very flustered Childe !!

Zhongli: Really?

hot jack frost: no, but the flustered childe part is real

hot jack frost: he's so red, i wonder where all the heat went to ;))

hot tortilla chip: KAEYA YOU'RE A FUCKING DEMON

Probably drunk lol: Mission success

hot jack frost: we did it, lads

Chapter Text

Child(e)

10:11am

Child(e): KAEyA ;))) you're staring at him again 

Kaeya: IK buT HES SO HOT

Kaeya: holy shit his voice

Child(e): man doesn't even know what you look like 

Child(e): Or what your name is lmaooo

Kaeya: yeah he keeps talking about this one person

Kaeya: ugh

Kaeya: why don't you ever let him know their name

Child(e): that, is confidential information

Kaeya: orange sus

Child(e): you did not make an among us reference in my CHRISTIAN MINECRAFT SERVER

Kaeya: WHAT ABOUT THAT JOKE WAS INAPPROPRIATE

Child(e): YOUR FACE IS INAPPROPRIATE

Child(e): *naruto runs away)

Kaeya: O I

10:37am

Child(e): OH SHIT YOU GOT CAUGHT

Child(e): LMAOO YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR FACE

Kaeya: SHUT THE FUCK UP IM HEATING UP

Kaeya: DUDE I CAN FEEL HIS EYES ON THE BACK OF MY HEAD

Kaeya: IM JOINING YOU

Child(e): NO STAY THE FUCK AWAY

Child(e): BEGONE DEMON 

Child(e): KAEYA WHAT THE FUCKSAJLDSKD

6 braincells (and all of them are dead)

Probably drunk lol: ugh I was this close to getting that guys name

hot tortilla chip: one might think that you...perhaps...have a small crush on this man

Zhongli: Watch your step, Childe.

hot tortilla chip: so considerate *wipes tear*

Probably drunk lol:...he's pretty

Sane: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

go away: *breathes in*

go away: ah yes, that is indeed, gay

hot jack frost: hey

hot jack frost: oh who are we talking about

Probably drunk lol: the prettiest person ive ever seen

hot tortilla chip: damn kaeya,,you have some competition

hot jack frost: okay,,one, i'm not pretty. i'm SEXY. there's a difference

hot jack frost: ofc you wouldn't know

hot tortilla chip: YOU CALLING ME PRETTY?? 

hot jack frost: THATS NOT WHAT I-

hot tortilla chip: AWWW KAEYA!! DOES THIS MEAN YOU FORGIVE ME FOR POKING YOU IN THE EYE WHEN WE WERE DUELLING

hot jack frost: NO I DON'T MY EYE IS LITERALLY D E A D

hot jack frost: IM ALMOST BLIND IN THAT EYE 

hot tortilla chip: SHOULD'VE THOUGHT TWICE

hot tortilla chip: I TOLD YOU TO USE PROTECTION

hot jack frost:

Probably drunk lol:

Sane: well that

Sane: OKAY MOVING ON

Sane: And in what way is this man...pretty??

Probably drunk lol: everything

go away: wow he's really knee deep in this...gayness

hot jack frost:

hot jack frost: so..what's his name?

Probably drunk lol: I DONT KNOW??

Probably drunk lol: IVE BEEN TRYING TO ASK AROUND FOR DAYS

Probably drunk lol: I gave up lmao

Probably drunk lol: Tried to approach him this morning but he just walked away

hot jack frost: oh

Asshole

Childe: i can hear you crying

Childe: No matter how hard you try I can still hear you

Childe: I'm coming over to your room. Want to watch shitty horror movies?

Asshole: Yeah..

Childe: C'mon, Kaeya. There are plenty of people out there

Asshole: Yeah but, I don't know, he's just different.

Asshole: Also, I thought you were supposed to help me not encourage me to move on lol

Childe: I'm not going to force anything

Childe: Just got popcorn

Childe: Unlock the door

Asshole: Man, our correct grammar scares me

Childe: OPEN THE DAMN DOOR

Asshole: YESSIR

Mission: Diluc's Gay Crisis

11:26am

Organizer: OKAY

Organizer: DILUC 

Organizer: IVE HAD ENOUGH, JUST ASK FOR THAT GUYS NAME

Victim: I KEEP TRYING BUT S O M E PEOPLE KEEP IGNORING ME

Victim: why is my name victim ohmygod

Co-Organizer: ITS SO WE CAN PUSH YOU TO THE RIGHT DIRECTION!!

Co-Organizer: bUILD UP YOUR CONFIDENCE

Victim: 

Organizer: WHAT VENTI SAID !!!

Victim: I don't think he likes me though. He keeps avoiding me

Forced To Be Here: ugh just get it over and done with everyone's tired of your pining

Victim: WELL IF SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T FUCKING IGNORE ME WHEN I ASKED FOR HIS NAME

Victim: THEN MAYBE I'D BE DATING HIM BY NOW

Bystander: Haha, such high hopes

Victim: wHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME RAZOR 

1:15pm

Victim: I see him 

Victim: I'm approaching him

Organizer: OKAY DILUC UM

Organizer: MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK FOR HIS NAME SOME OTHER TIME

Victim: WHAT THE FUCK WHY

Organizer: HE's KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE OF SMTH

Victim: ...are you stalking me

Organizer: NO!! I'm WITH THE TARGET RIGHT NOW

Organizer: Yknow,,,hanging out like friends do

Victim: 

Bystander: You suck, Childe

Organizer: you're so cute razor awww

Organizer: anyway he's kind of getting confessed to rn

Organizer: i'm like a few food stands away from him lol

Victim: Oh.

Organizer: Don't worry!! it's a girl!! he's very much into boys

Victim: Are you best friends or something??

Organizer: yep we're best friends

Victim: I thought you were best friends with Kaeya

Victim: Oh, the girl left, approaching him now

Bystander: How stupid can one person get

Victim: AGAIN, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME

Organizer: Well said, Razor, well said.

Chapter Text

6 Braincells (and all of them are dead)

Zhongli: Hello everyone :D

hot jack frost: WHAT IS THIS WHY IS HE USING EMOTICONS???

go away: this is cursed

Zhongli: :((

hot tortilla chip: BABYY ARE THEY BULLYING YOU

Zhongli: Yes :((((((((

hot jack frost: i'm concerned that's a lot of chins

Sane: i'm more concerned that Zhongli is fine with Childe calling him his baby

hot tortilla chip: anywAY i taught him about emoticons!! isn't he just so cute

Zhongli: :D

hot tortilla chip: yes bb you're amazing keep going

Zhongli: >>

Sane:...is he only going to reply in emoticons now

hot jack frost: yES bb yOu'RE AMAZIng keEEP GOIng

Probably drunk lol: what did i just walk into

Zhongli: Um, guys?

hot tortilla chip: yes??

Zhongli: Why did I imagine Childe saying that in...that voice?

Probably drunk lol:

Sane:

go away: i hate everything

hot jack frost: ohooooo ;)))

hot jack frost: enlighten me zhongli,,,have you looked at any girls for the past week

Zhongli: No, I don't think so?

hot jack frost: uh huh, yeah, and who have you been looking at

Zhongli: Childe

Zhongli: Oh

Probably drunk lol: lADIES AND GENTS HE HAS FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE

Probably drunk lol: oh he's having a mental breakdown brb

hot tortilla chip: oh shit

Childe's Whipped

Kaeya: you okay there buddy

Childe's Whipped: I

Childe's Whipped: I HAVE A CRUSH ON CHILDE

Kaeya: woah speaking in caps  thats a first

Kaeya: and yes, you indeed do, in fact, have a crush on an idiot

Childe's Whipped: ALL THE SIGNS MAKE SENSE

Kaeya: please don't speak in caps it's cursed

Childe's Whipped: My heart is beating extremely fast

Childe's Whipped: What if I get a heart attack

Kaeya: Zhongli, calm down, you wont get a heart attack

Childe's Whipped: And you know this..how?

Kaeya: just trust me zhongli, you will not get a heart attack

Childe's Whipped: I cannot believe I just realised

Kaeya: yeah everyone was waiting for you to find out

Childe's Whipped: Yeah, well, everyone's waiting for you and Diluc to get together

Kaeya: i'm going into cardiac arrest

Childe's Whipped: yOU okAy tHere buDDY??

Kaeya: WHAT DID CHILDE DO TO YOU

Mission: Diluc's Gay Crisis

1:30pm

Organizer: REPORTING LIVE FROM LIKE 4 METRES AWAY FROM THE TARGET

Organizer: WILL DILUC FINALLY GET THE NAME OF SAID TARGET??

Organizer: STAY TO FIND OUT MORE

Organizer: OFF TO YOU VENTI

Co-Organizer: THANK YOU PHIL

Co-Organizer: GARY*

Co-Organizer: CHILDE*

Organizer: what the fuck

Bystander: What kind of crack is Venti on today?

Co-Organizer: AA RAZOR YOU'RE SO FUCKING CUTE MARRY ME

Bystander: No thanks

Forced To Be Here: *suffering sounds*

Co-Organizer: DILUC APPROACHES THE TARGET. HE LOOKS NERVOUS, POOR BABY

Member: calling diluc 'baby' does not suit him

haha, member ;): ^^^^^ what amber said

Co-Organizer: OOP

Co-Organizer: mAN DID YALL SEE THAT

Forced To Be Here: NONE OF US WOULD KNOW VENTI

Co-Organizer: OHH THAT'S JUST DEPRESSING

Co-Organizer: BACK TO YOU GARY

Co-Organizer: CHILDE*

Organizer: what's depressing is you not knowing what my name is :((

Co-Organizer: NO IM SORRY CHILD

Co-Organizer: E

Organizer: AH THE VICTIM HAS ARRIVED. TELL ME, HOW DOES IT FEEL?

Victim: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME WHAT THE FUCK

Victim: I JUST NEED HIS NAME????

Forced To Be Here: sounding borderline creepy

Victim: SHUT THE FUCK UP XIAO

Co-Organizer: OI FUCK OFF MAN

Victim: what

Co-Organizer: what

Victim: ugh i give up

Victim: hey childe, can you ask kaeya if he knows who it is

Organizer: UH sorry he doesn't know-

Victim: ...very suspicious

Asshole

1:18pm

Asshole: childe, diluc is right there

Asshole: help me

Childe: WHAT THE FUCK AREN'T YOU GETTING CONFESSED TO RIGHT NOW??

Asshole: Ehh she's not my type

Asshole: Diluc is my type

Childe: s t o p.

Asshole: WHY DOES HE KEEP LOOKING AT ME BRO IM 

Asshole: im freaking out childe pls im so red

Childe: you sure its not from that girl

Childe: she's actually very pretty

Asshole: CHILDE

Childe: WHAt im just saying

Childe: ouch that mustve hurt

Childe: she looks so sad bro

Asshole: 

Asshole: WHY IS DILUC WALKING OVER

Asshole: WHATTHEFJDSKDJ;;???

Asshole: CHILDE I KNOW YOU'RE ONLINE WHAT THE FUCK

Asshole: my face is so hot ohmygod

Asshole: BITCH RESPOND??

Asshole: i'm going to pretend i don't see him

Asshole: I CAN'T DO THIS IM RUNNING AWAY

Childe: KAEYA WHAT THE FUCK

Childe: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT

Asshole: SO NOW YOU REsPOND?

Childe: IM SORRY

Childe: I WAS..TENDING TO SOME THINGS

Asshole: I'm not making dinner for you tonight

Childe: NO KAEYA YOU KNOW HOW MINIMAL MY COOKING SKILLS ARE

Asshole: too bad bitch

(Diluc +  Xingqiu, Chongyun)

Chongyun: ?? uhh sir...diluc?

Diluc: Don't call me sir, it's too formal

Chongyun: umm...diluc-??

Diluc: No honorifics are needed

Chongyun: uh, okay

Chongyun: so why did you make this groupchat?

Diluc: I need help

Xingqiu: Oh, hello? What's this?

Chongyun: oh thank god someone i know is here

Xingqiu: Oh hey yunyun :D

Chongyun: hey <33

Xingqiu: Oh, master Diluc

Diluc: No need for formalities

Xingqiu: Very well then

Chongyun: What do you need help with?

Diluc: Uhh, you two are in a relationship, correct?

Xingqiu: That is correct

Diluc: How did you...confess?

Chongyun: you want to know our getting-together story??

Diluc: Indeed

Xingqiu: Oh my. One must predict that you have taken interest to somebody?

Diluc: ...perhaps

Chongyun: OOOO ;)))

Chongyun: well if you mUST know

Xingqiu: Yunyun knows that I love books, so he snuck a sticky note in one of my favourites

Chongyun: "Meet me by the harbour at midnight" !! i remember

Chongyun: i had to write it 5 times bc my hands were shaking

Xingqiu: lmaoo

Xingqiu: Anyway, I remember being very confused

Xingqiu: So I arrived at the harbour, not really knowing what to expect

Chongyun: this is where i disappear

Chongyun: this is really embarrassing don't do this to me :((

Xingqiu: why!! i thought it was so cute :((

Chongyun: ITS EMBARRASING

Diluc: I must admit I am very invested in this story haha

Xingqiu: Okay, so, yunyun was leaning over the railing, and I remember thinking that

Xingqiu: It was the most beautifuljdhkjsa

Chongyun: i stole his phone >:)

Chongyun: BASICALLY IT MEANS THAT YOU SHOULD TRY CONFESSING USING SOMETHING THAT KAEYA LIKES

Diluc: ??

Chongyun: i assume you like kaeya??

Diluc: What? No??

Chongyun: huh? you've been staring at him for the past week

Diluc: ...what

Xingqiu: YUNYUN

Chongyun: IM SORRY DONT HIT ME

Chongyun: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASKJLK

Kaeya

Diluc: Kaeya

Kaeya: ??

Diluc: I have a question for you.

my brain: how about you draw the main 4 in the modern au! don't you think that kaeya with his hair in a high ponytail is a good ide-

me: chongyun in a crop top stfu

Chapter Text

Kaeya

Diluc: Kaeya

Kaeya: ??

Diluc: I have a question for you.

Kaeya: mmm? you sound so serious, you okay?

Diluc: What do you look like?

Kaeya: huh?? that's a weird question?

Kaeya: why?

Diluc: For fucks sake

Diluc: Okay look, for the past week or so I've been trying to get the name of a specific person

Diluc: Blue hair, wears an eyepatch

Kaeya:

Diluc: Everyone refused to give me their name, but I think it's you

Kaeya: uh

Kaeya: ..yeah

Diluc: Oh

Kaeya: i'm probably not what you expected, huh?

Diluc: I

Diluc: No??

Kaeya: im sorry

Diluc: Wait what are you talking about

Kaeya: now that you know it's me,,you're disappointed

Kaeya: you kept talking about how the "mystery person" was pretty, but now that you know its me

Kaeya: you're disappointed aren't you

Diluc: Of course not

Kaeya: you are

Diluc: i'm not, kaeya

Diluc: actually im fucking pissed

Diluc: why the fuck did you run away from me when i tried to approach you??? 

Diluc: AND YOU KNEW IT WAS ME TOO

Kaeya: WAIT I-

Diluc: YOU'RE A BITCH

Diluc: I THOUGHT YOU HATED ME OR SOMETHING

Kaeya: I WAS SCARED??

Diluc: I HATE YOU

Diluc: BE MY BOYFRIEND

Kaeya: what

Kaeya: wait are you serious

Diluc: ...Kaeya. Be my boyfriend?

Kaeya: ohhh asking someone over text huh

Diluc: answer the damn question kaeya.

Kaeya: um..yes??

Kaeya: what

Kaeya: WHY ARE YOU OUTSIDE MY DOOR

Kaeya: ARE THOSE FLOWERS?

Kaeya: HOW DID YOU GET MY ADDRESS

Kaeya: DILUCkJKSLKJK

Asshole

Childe: talk about straightforward

Childe: DAMN KAEYA HE'S SO BOLDDD

Childe: SAY YES

Childe: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTHHHH

Asshole: ARE YOU STALKING ME

6 Braincells (and all of them are dead)

hot tortilla chip: soooo would @hot jack frost and @Probably drunk lol like to spill the tea ;))

Sane: OHMYGOD DID IT HAPPEN

Sane: PLS SAY THAT IT HAPPENED

Zhongli: I would like to know what tea has been...spilt

hot jack frost: OKYA SO@& 

go away: is he okay

hot jack frost: FUKC OFHF XIOA

go away: what

Probably drunk lol: sorry I think he's just really happy lmao

hot tortilla chip: ;))))))

hot jack frost: KKKKKKKKDJlKSJDSLk

Probably drunk lol: so me and kaeya are dating

Sane: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

go away: GODS NO

Zhongli: Congratulations you two

Sane: so when are we expecting childe and zhongli to get on

go away: NO

hot tortilla chip: what

Zhongli: What

go away: childe, if you touch Zhongli you're fucking dead

hot tortilla chip: YESSIR

Probably drunk lol: kaeya's crying rn 

Probably drunk lol: how long has he been keeping this crush?

hot tortilla chip: since he 'failed' his biology essay (an 78 is not a fail kaeya)

hot jack frost: ISTIS

hot tortilla chip: so he was being rlly edgy until he saw you

hot tortilla chip: gross

hot jack frost: STOPK

Probably drunk lol: aww

Zhongli: I feel sick watching Diluc like this

Probably drunk lol: never use emoticons again then

Zhongli: Deal

Mission: Diluc's Gay Crisis

Organizer: MISSION COMPLETE

Organizer: KAEYA AND DILUC ARE NOW A PAIR

Bystander: seriously?? i didn't know he had it in him

Forced To Be Here: ugh

Co-Organizer: THATS GREAT!! 

Co-Organizer kicked Organizer 

Co-Organizer changed their alias to: Organizer

Organizer changed the chat name to: Mission: Zhongli's Gay Crisis

Organizer added Zhongli

Organizer: let's get started lads

Childe's Whipped

Kaeya: you're staring too much calm down

Kaeya: zhongli

Kaeya: lmao you look so defeated

Childe's Whipped: I swear he's ignoring me

Kaeya: childe could never ignore you lmaooo

Kaeya: You still owe me 30 mora

Childe's Whipped: I don't have mora and you know that

Kaeya: i'll just pretend i didn't see that

Kaeya: 30 mora

Childe's Whipped: How are you so rich?

Kaeya: 30 Mora

Childe's Whipped: He's looking at me

Childe's Whipped: He looks scared?

Kaeya: yeah you might want to talk to xiao about that

Childe's Whipped: For gods sake.

Childe's Whipped: Oh he's coming over

Kaeya: okay stay calm

Kaeya: oh shit thats tOUGDSDKKSJLS

Childe's Whipped: Kaeya??

Childe's Whipped: Kaeya?

Childe's Whipped: I am feeling quite abandoned right now

Kaeya: It's me, Diluc

Childe's Whipped: Oh, hello Diluc

Kaeya: Solve your own problems

Childe's Whipped: What-

Kaeya: SORRY DILUC GETS VERYSKJDSL:SLA

Childe's Whipped: Understandable, have a great day

Kaeya: ZHONGLI

Chapter Text

mom come pick me up im gay (and bi)

2:13pm

vwenti: hey so does anyone know the answer to question 7

chwilde: im the wrong person to ask buddy

chwilde: ask albedo or kaeya they're smart

keqing: wtf are up with your usernames

chwilde: oh and keqing is smart too i guess

vwenti: "i guess"

keqing: oh wow i guess 100 in almost every subject is nothing

vwenti: STOP FLEXING YOUR SMARTNESS

vwenti: @albwedo @kaewya

the better twin: venti - stop flexing your smartness

the better twin: also venti - doesn't ask for keqing's help

keqing: it do be like that :((

dildo: OKAY WHO THE FUCK CHANGED MY USERNAME

dildo: I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU SQUARE UP

chwilde: that would be kaeya

dildo: destroy him

vwenti: oh my

Jean: Not in my Christian Minecraft server.

albwedo: i was mentioned??

vwenti: YES

vwenti: WHATS THE ANSWER TO QUESTION 7

albwedo: what subject

vwenti: english

albwedo: i don't know?? i haven't done it yet

albwedo: i'm still doing my art project

vwenti: AHHH WHERES KAEYA

albwedo: he's with me

albwedo: and dainsleif

dildo: who's dainsleif

painther: HELLO WHOS DILDO

dildo: i fucking choked on my wine

dildo: DO YOU WANT TO GO???

painther: I JUST AKNOWLEDGED THE PERSON IN THE ROOM,,MASTER DILDO

painther: SERIOUSLY WHO ARE YOU

dildo:

albwedo: aether !!!

painther: ALBEDO!!!

albwedo: dainsleif is kaeya's long lost boyfriend aw

kaewya: HES NOT MY BOYFRIEND :(((

albewdo: man idk about that his hand is kinda on your thigh

kaewya: YOU TOLD HIM TO DO THAT???

albewdo: SHUSH KAE

dildo: you can all shut the fuck up and die

chwilde: oh no he's mad

chwilde: oh wAIT HE'S JEALOUS

chwilde: man i wish my bb is like that :(

Zhongli: hello Childe

chwilde: HELLO ZHONGLI DON'T SCROLL UP PLS THANKS 

Zhongli: ???

Zhongli: Who is your 'bb'?

chwilde: bye

razor: Not him stealing my line

chwilde: razor,,i love you but please stfu

razor: for 20 mora

chwilde: deal, paypal?

razor: yes

moan-a: OKAY HOW COME YOU GIVE IT TO HIM EASILY AND I DON'T

chwilde: MONA I GIVE YOU A 10 MORA ALLOWANCE DAILY FOR DOING NOTHING IS THAT NOT GOOD ENOUGH

mon-a: I NEED UNI FEES

chwilde: I NEED UNI FEES TOO

mon-a: ugh how are you and kaeya so rich 

mon-a: what are your secrets

kaewya: uhhh

chwilde: uhhh

vwenti: 

painther: SUS

the better twin: SUS

painther: YOUR USERNAME IS SUS

the better twin: YOUR EXISTENCE IS SUS

Zhongli: Oh, Mona gets a daily allowance?

chwilde: I'LL GIVE YOU A DAILY ALLOWANCE

Zhongli: That's not needed-

chwilde: 100 MORA DAILY FOR YOU MY BB

Zhongli: Wait,,'bb'?

Zhongli: ...thank you

chwilde: holyfckeingshithesnsocyute

kaewya added dainsleep and suck roses to the chat

dainsleep: kae??

kaewya: albedo is taking a rlly long time

kaewya: and i wasn't bothered to keep switching from dms to chat

albwedo: WELL IF YOU WOULD STOP LOOKING AT YOUR PHONES I COULD DRAW YOU QUICKER

vwenti: if you stopped CHECKING DMS i could be gone quicker!!!!

albwedo: i told you we aren't going to eat until you finish your goddamn homework

vwenti: NO ONE IS TELLING ME WHAT Q7 IS???

dainsleep: 2 mins until i'm on crack

kaewya: 2 mins until we start laughing at absolutely nothing

vwenti: PLS DONT I WANT TO FINISH MY HW

suck roses: hello?

painther: who's this

dildo: someone kick this dainsleif person out of the fucking chat

dildo: stay away from my fucking boyfriend asshole

dainsleep: wha-

kaewya: SORRY WHEN HE'S JEALOUS HE'S JUST MAD AND HIS VOBACULARY IS LIMITED TO CURSE WORDS

kaewya: IM SORRY

dainsleep: OHHH

dainsleep: so boyfriend huh ;))

kaewya: for fucks sake

dainsleep: you never spilt the tea kae ;)))

suck roses: hello! i'm sucrose, albedo's assistant!

albwedo: oh wait what when did rose get here

albwedo: rose i told you to focus on studying

suck roses: but my phone kept going off

albwedo: yeah bc of these idiots, just ignore them

suck roses: okay!

painther:

kaewya: OK WOW

albwedo: STOP MOVING BEFORE I CHOP YOUR FUCKING FINGERS OFF

kaewya: YES SIR

dainsleep: 1 min

kaewya: im getting so giddy this isn't okay

vwenti: guys...q7?

albwedo: JUST MOVE ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION

vwenti: THE NEXT QUESTION IS ABOUT QUESTION 7

dildo: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH ASS WHORES ILL SHOVE A FUCKING TEXTBOOK UP YOUR ASSHOLE IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR MOUTH 

popsicles is the only food to ever exist: hello everyone :D

popsicles is the only food to ever exist: bye everyone :D

xingqiu: diluc,,please calm down

kaewya: hwot

dainsleep: I CANT BREATHE

albwedo: i give up

albwedo: those two cant stop laughing at everything now

albwedo: this drawing can perish

vwenti: ALBEDO IM CRYING PLEASE HELP ME FUCKDSUB AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

albwedo: everyone oh my god

vwenti: FUNFUCKINGFACT IM A FUCKING MESS WOW OKAY KAEYA YOU NEXT

xiao: what the fuck is going on

kaewya: FUMN FACKT IF  VENTKD IS A ME SSI92    THEM IM A FUCKISJDN EARTHQUACK

kaewya: DAUN S?

dainsleep: FUNFAKCT IF KAE IS A EARTH Q U A C K THEN IM A FUCKI N G   EAR T H BA R K

dildo: this isn't even funny what the fuck

dainsleep: ALB ED O?

albwedo: no thanks-??

dainsleep: ALBEDOOOO

kaewya: ALBEDOOOOOOOOOOO

vwenti: ALBAEDOOOO

albwedo: 

Jean: What the gods is happening here

painther: i, a crack god, am confused??

the better twin: same

Razor: Albedo looks like a mom with 3 chaotic children, and due to those 3 children he must take pills to help with his rising blood pressure and depression

Razor: He also draws to cope with those issues but due to his terrible fetuses he's unable to finish any drawing and ends up ripping it up instead

Razor: However, his ripped up drawings make great food for his children

painther:

xiao:

dildo:

Zhongli: Hello, I'm back

Zhongli: What in the world

chwilde: NOOO YOU FORGOT TO INCLUDE ME

chwilde: OH WOW

kaewya: OH WOW

dainsleep: OH...MY GOD

vwenti: I AM....DISGUSTED??

Razor: Sorry, 4 fetuses

dainsleep: welcome to the family 

chwilde: i'm so honoured *wipes tear*

Zhongli: What family

chwilde: do you want to join our cult

kaewya: CHILDE

chwilde: i mean our family

Zhongli: I'll pass for now

xiao: for now 

xiao: childe you fucking hear me right

chwilde: YES SIR I WONT SIR

Zhongli: ???

painther: i am

painther: confused

moan-a: so we still have the unanswered question

moan-a: how are kaeya and childe so rich

moan-a: ...and kaeya could you maybe donate to the poor

kaewya: there's no way out

kaewya: i'll give you 10 mora for your efforts

moan-a: 20

kaewya: 5

moan-a: 15

kaewya: fine

xiao: okay ill admit

xiao: im always curious as to why kaeya and childe always have money

chwilde: uhhh family??

kaewya: yep

xiao: that's a boringly normal answer

xiao: cmon give me something to bitch about

kaewya: but its the truth

xiao: T E A.

kaewya: WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY

kaewya: THAT IM ACTUALLY ROYALTY FROM MY HOMETOWN AND IM NEXT IN LINE TO BE THE RULER BUT IM SO FUCKING SCARED SO INSTEAD I FLED TO UNIVERSITY TO "STUDY" WHEN ALL I DO IS CONSUME MORE ALCHOHOL THAN WATER

xiao: YE S

Zhongli: That was oddly specific

kaewya: what can i say? im good at english

vwenti: oh so do you know the answer to q7

kaewya: yeah its asljlakjd

dildo: finally

dildo: get fucked suckers

vwenti: aslijlakjd isn't one of the options kaeya

vwenti: kaeya?

chwilde: we'll get them next time venti

vwenti: what?

Chapter Text

mom come pick me up im gay (and bi)

8:36am

chwilde: hey where tf is kaeya he was supposed to be here like 10 mins ago

vwenti: yeah wtf @kaewya

albwedo: if he ditches us we can just force sucrose to go outside and get some sun vitamins

keqing: "sun vitamins"

keqing: why are you up so early

albwedo: why are YOU up so early

keqing: studying for the big exam tomorrow

chwilde: wait what exam

chwilde: fuck

albwedo: its okay ill just wing it like every other exam

vwenti: ugh shut up you and your natural brains

albwedo: what

kaewya: hey uh so i can't come today

albwedo: WHY

kaewya: i forgot that valentine's day was a thing

chwilde: oh yeah shit

chwilde: i forgot too

chwilde: not like i have a date but

kaewya: haha imagine being single <3

vwenti: fuck you kaeya </3

kaewya: maybe later bb <3

vwenti: <33

dildo: excuse me

kaewya: IM SORRY ILL GET READY NOW

dildo: that's what i fucking thought

dildo: be careful tho

kaewya: yes daddy

kaewya: sir*

vwenti: kaeya i didn't know you had a daddy kink ;))

kaewya: I DON'T--

dildo: 

dildo: im outside

kaewya: okay im coming

vwenti: daddy

kaewya: venti why

vwenti: it is literally my job to create chaos

kaewya: that's childe's job bro

kaewya: it is literally your job to stay still while people worship you shut up

vwenti: okay but-

xiao: what

vwenti: XIAO!!!

xiao: no

vwenti: xiao :((

albwedo: okay so do you want to go on a valentines date @painther

albwedo: oops wrong people @chwilde @vwenti @dainsleep @suck roses

vwenti: lmao that cover-up

albwedo: nO WHAT DO YOU MEAN--

painther: i was mentioned??

painther: oh nvm

albwedo: if you want you can join us yknow it fine id love to have you involved or smth

dainsleep: wow what a simp

painther: can i?

albwedo: of course :)

painther: okay ill go

chwilde: man if thats not a simp idk what is

Zhongli: Good Morning, Childe

chwilde: HI ZHONGLI OMG HOW ARE YO UG OOD MORNING!!!

suck roses: Hello every- oh my god

albwedo: mAN iF tHaTs nOt a siMp iDk whAt is

chwilde: AY SHUT THE FUCK UP 

Zhongli: Who's a simp?

chwilde: no one honey <333

Zhongli: Okay....???

they're sus

Amber sent a screenshot

Amber: I'm not the only one who thinks this is a little sus amirite

Lumine: okay lets add that to our list

Lumine: who has the list

Xiao: I do

Xiao:  - Kaeya is royalty from his hometown (not specified)

- Probably why he's rich

- He fled to university to study

- Probably not mentally okay (same)

- associated with childe, venti, albedo, dainsleif (?) and sucrose (?)

- Venti's job is to stay still while people worship him (ready to throw fucking hands)

- Childe's job is to create chaos (???)

- Albedo, Sucrose and Dainsleif jobs unknown

Xiao: Ugh I knew that Childe couldn't be trusted this is making my head hurt

Xiao: We should just tell Zhongli and Diluc there's no use hiding it from them

Amber: No! They're so in love

Amber: we shouldn't interfere with that

Xiao: Childe could literally be a murderer!

Xiao: If he was, I wouldn't be surprised at all

Lumine: Amber...

Amber: I'm standing by my decision. 

Xiao: Fine, but if Zhongli gets hurt in any fucking way i'm going to kill you

Lumine: Hey! Don't kill my girlfriend please

Xiao: No promises

Childe's Whipped

Childe's Whipped: Are you sure blue mist corollas will do?

Kaeya: Yep, they match his eyes ;)))

Childe's Whipped: I'm very nervous...

Kaeya: It's okay

Kaeya: If he looks at you funny, just say that it's a "platonic date"

Childe's Whipped: Okay, thanks Kaeya

Kaeya: Anytime bud

Child(e)

Child(e): UM KAEYA

Child(e): WHY IS ZHONGLI OUTSIDE MY DOOR WITH FLOWERS

Kaeya: you haven't left with Albedo yet??

Child(e): We were gonna leave at 12 

Child(e): AH IM PANICKING WHAT DO I DO

Kaeya: that's easy

Kaeya: say yes you idiot

Childe: FUCKSJSD_DN

left my sanity somewhere, i can't find it

Albedo: Just got a message from your father, Kaeya.

Kaeya: What now...

Albedo: I'm too scared to open it.

Kaeya: Just open it, please.

Albedo:

Albedo: The letter says, "If you don't find a princess to marry by the end of this week, I'll find one for you."

Kaeya: It's already Sunday..

Albedo: Are you going to tell him?

Kaeya: As if I'll tell him that I'm bisexual.

Albedo: What are you going to do? You can't just cheat on Diluc.

Kaeya: I...don't know what I'm going to do, yet.

Childe: Kaeya?

Childe: Oh fuck

Childe: Oh, fuck.*

Sucrose: Haha, I love how formal we are in this groupchat.

Dainsleif: Childe, Signora wants to talk to you. About your vision.

Childe: Fucking hell, I'm on a date with Zhongli.

Kaeya: "Date"

Childe: Kindly shut up your majesty.

Kaeya: I told you not to call me that.

Childe: I guess I'll have to return tonight. Anyone else need to come?

Kaeya: No thanks.

Albedo: I don't have any business there at the moment.

Sucrose: Same here.

Venti: I need to go as well.

Kaeya: Venti? Why?

Venti: People have been pretty unlucky lately.

Venti: And of course, the King thinks it's because I've been away for a while.

Childe: Don't you hate it when people touch you?

Childe: Even when it's for good luck?

Venti: Of course I hate it.

Venti: But, what can you do when people consider you a god?

Kaeya: Well, you did save everyone from that dragon attack.

Venti: Dvalin didn't mean any harm, he was possessed by enemies.

Childe: We'll leave at midnight, okay?

Childe: I don't have time to get items to open the portal between dimensions, though.

Kaeya: I have some in my bedroom. Second drawer.

Childe: Thanks.

Childe: Zhongli's getting pretty suspicious. See you all at 12.

Venti: Okay, thanks Childe.

Dearest Immernachtreich House and Company,

I would formally like to request a marriage between your daughter, Fischl von Luftschloss Narfidort Amy and my son, Kaeya Alberich.

Your nation combined with mine, can enhance our current resources and ensure our power within this universe. Your nation can provide us with natural resources that we can use to create medicines, antidotes and meals. In return we can offer you great protection with our mafia, controlled and hosted by Tartaliga Ajax Childe, known for his skillful tactics and his hydro vision. 

Kaeya and Fischl together will be unstoppable.

Best Regards,

Khaenri'ah House, Royal Court.

.

Dearest Khaenri'ah House and Company.

We would be happy to accept your offer of Prince Kaeya and Fischl's marriage. Together, we truly will be unstoppable and untouchable to any enemy that tries to prevent us from our plans.

 I will send Fischl to Khaenri'ah to meet your son in the next week. Please get back to me for future arrangements. I am sure our children will get along very well.

Best Regards,

Immernachtreich House, Royal Court.

they're sus

Mona: Um, guys?

Mona: I found this letter, it looks pretty official....

Chapter Text

they're sus

Amber: WELL? WHAT DOES IT SAY???

Lumine: bro don't leave us hanging!!! this could be a v big lead

Xiao: fuck isn't it kind of better that we don't know what was happenibg

Xiao: or didn't think they're fucking mafias or smth

Xiao: like venti??? mafia??? nah he's too cute for that

Keqing: SIMPING XIAO IS BACK

Mona: ew

Amber: sooooo whens the wedding

Xiao: I??? NO???

Keqing: aww he's blushing

Xiao: HEYY MONA NOW WOULD BE A GOOD TIME TO TELL US WHAT THE LETTER SAYS

Mona: I guess you've had a change of heart haha

Mona: I haven't actually read it yet so...

Amber: By the time you read it we'll be on our deathbeds hurry up

Mona: OKAY OKAY

Mona: fuck im so nervous

Xiao: i hope this isn't anything bad ugh

Aether: Hello everyone

Aether: what the fuck

Lumine: ew its you

Aether: fuck off lumi <333

Lumine: <33

Mona: holy fuck holy shit

Amber: HELLO:???

Aether: um wtf is going on

Lumine: Mona found a letter and now she's reading it

Aether: but why its not her letter

Xiao: smth about childe, kaeya, albedo and venti being suspicious?? i dont know

Xiao: Amber and Lumine kind of dragged me into it

Aether: wow

Amber: I DIDNT

Mona: 

Amber: WHAT DOES IT SAY.

Prince Kaeya Alberich,

Your wedding has been arranged and will be ready in a few days. Please pack your bags and be ready to leave at exactly 12 this week. I have already informed Ajax, Barbatos and Kreideprinz about this departure, and as a result, they will be escorting you back to the castle's headquarters. Meanwhile, I will send Khaenri’ah’s future princess over to your “school”, she will be waiting at Stormbearer Point. Please get to know her well, I will not be accepting any other partners.

Faithfully,

Your Father

Mission: Zhongli's Gay Crisis

Organizer: *holding a microphone* TELL ME ZHONGLI, HOW DO YOU FEEL???

Victim: Happy, accomplished, kind of giddy

Forced To Be Here: disgusting

Organizer: Xiao :(( don't be like that

Forced To Be Here: fine

Bystander: whipped

Organizer: huh???

Forced To Be Here: do you serious come online to say one word??

Bystander: no, i don't

Bystander: that's two extra words

Victim: ??

Organizer: wow razor,,,are you okay??

Organizer: you're okay right

Bystander: are we ever okay

Bystander: we are just a speck in this large universe, we mean nothing

Xiao: okay uh

Victim: Would you like me to recommend you some therapists?

Organizer: OKAY BACK TO THE TOPIC

Organizer: ZHONGLI WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ALLLLLLLLL ABOUT THAT DATE

Victim: Not sure if it was a date

Victim: I don't think Childe considered it a date

Asshole

Childe: I JUST WENT ON A DATE WITH ZHONGLI AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

Asshole: not in front of my FUCKING SALAD

Asshole: so how was it

Childe: oh man wow it was fucking amazing

Asshole: wtf did yall have sex or smth

Childe: WHAT

Childe: NO??

Childe: at least not yet ;)))

Asshole: oh my god

Asshole: so tell me about it?? how was it?

Asshole: and how the FUCK DID YOU GET HIM TO AGREE TO GO WITH YOU TO THE MARKETs

Asshole: seriously, i need advice,,i've been trying to get luc to come with me but he won't budge :((

Asshole: AND WE'RE DATING

Childe: well, my dear friend

Childe: advice no.1

Asshole: i feel like im going to regret asking

Childe: unfortunately,,,you can't do much about this

Childe: i have the looks to seduce Zhongli into coming to the markets with me and i guess you don’t

Asshole: yeah i regret asking

Asshole: ok but who's the one with a bf ;)))

Childe: it's called bad fucking luck kaeya

Childe: IM FUCKING IRRESSISTABLE 

Childe: how does Zhongli not like me :((

Asshole: you went on a date with him yesterday

Childe: HALF DATE. Signora just had to interrupt at that moment

Asshole: you two are so fucking stupid

Childe: HEY-

Childe: oh a letter just came

Asshole: ???

Childe: Kaeya

Asshole: Is that a bad 'Kaeya' or a good 'Kaeya'

Childe: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??

Asshole: Tell you what??

Childe: YOUR WEDDING??? 

Childe: did you not get a letter??

Asshole:...

Childe:...fuck

they're sus

Mona: Prince Kaeya

Mona: PRINCE KAEYA

Amber: ARE YOU SURE ITS HIm

Amber: NOT JUST SOME...OTHER DUDE

Lumine: babe, ily, but kaeya's a pretty rare name

Lumine: AND it also says his last name, Alberich

Keqing: it's a wedding??? what are we going to do about diluc???

Keqing: isn't this technically cheating???

Keqing: and after all the work Venti and Childe put into it....

Xiao: wait, on the letter, it doesn't say Childe, Venti or Albedo's names

Xiao: does that mean they aren't part of this??

Keqing: well,,,i guess??

Xiao: i told you venti was too cute to be part of this

Mona: still, something is very off with Kaeya

Mona: getting married? when he's dating Diluc??

Mona: idk about you but he doesn't seem the type to be doing that

Keqing: wait, read the letter again???

Mona: yeah sure hold on

Aether: im still very confused

Aether: do you really think kaeya's...royalty?

Lumine: my head really hurts

Mona: GUYS I CAN'T FIND THE LETTER

left my sanity somewhere, i can't find it

Albedo: Everybody got a letter, right?

Childe: No, everybody did but Kaeya

Venti: Kaeya?

Kaeya: I just got mine.

Kaeya: Just appeared out of nowhere?

Albedo: What are you going to do?

Kaeya: Well, I guess I'll meet her

Kaeya: Maybe she's forced into this like I am

Albedo: Yeah, great, what about Diluc?

Albedo: And a whole fucking relationship?

Dainsleif: Kaeya, just talk it out with your father

Childe: Or battle him. That works too.

Venti: Yeah, he's much weaker to you, Kaeya, and we can help too!

Sucrose: Yes! 

Kaeya: Guys, calm down, I'm not assassinating my father.

Kaeya: I'll meet her, and attend the stupid fucking wedding, and never speak of it again.

Kaeya: It can basically be her kingdom

Sucrose: That's not how it works Kaeya...

they're sus

Xiao: okay, so i went to stormbearer point to clear my head

Xiao: who the fuck is this girl just sitting here

Xiao: wait i hear footsteps

Albedo: hide bro

Xiao: I AM

Xiao: ohmygod

Xiao: is that kaeya

Mona: TAKE A FUCKING PHOTO 

Xiao: ARE YOU INSANE

Xiao: IMA HAVE SOME RANDOM GIRL MY CAMERA ROLL

Xiao: NOT TO MENTION KAEYA HAS A FUCKING FURCOAT WHAT THE HELL

Aether: guys i think that's his wife

Xiao: oh

Chapter Text

Dear Father,

I would like to decline your offer to Khaneri'ah to meet Prince Kaeya, as I am not intere

Dear Father, 

I  unfortunately am unable to visit Khaneri'ah due to infertility

and also you should just forget about me marrying a person i've never fucking met

Dear Father,

I am departing to Khaneri'ah tomorrow. Please wish us luck for our future of not only us, but also our kingdoms. It will not be an easy journey to Khaneri'ah due to its increased difficulty and danger of the monsters that lurk there, but with the training you have given me, I am sure I will manage. I will be safe, I hope. And I believe that Prince Kaeya will protect me.

Yours Truly,

"Fischl"

they're sus

Xiao: i have so many questions

Mona: narrator xiao

Xiao: what why

Aether: it's true we need to know what the hell is going on

Amber: YES

Xiao: wedding.mp4

Lunime: holy shit

Lunime: is that kaeya

Lunime: wearing a fur coat cape thing...???

Lunime: holy shit why is he kinda hot like this

Amber: babe :((

Amber: but also agreed

Xiao: ew, stop, please

Aether: hey, whats the thing around his thigh

Aether: its light blue and its glowing

Amber: oh yeah you're right

Amber: the girl has one too, at the back of her dress

Amber: kinda looks like a bat

Lunime: yeah, but its purple???

Xiao: oh god

Xiao: this is so awkward to watch

Aether: WHATS GOING ON NOW

Xiao: they're shaking hands

Xiao: i think they're introducing themselves...

Xiao: oh god this is awkward

Xiao: oh fuck she said something but i can't hear it

Amber: what a boomer

Xiao: excuse me

Xiao: oh, i think they're comfortable with eachother now

Xiao: kaeya's laughing so hard i've never seen this before

Mona: So...he's been fake around Diluc?

Mona: You've been with Childe for a while, does he laugh like that around Childe?

Xiao: hell if I know

Xiao: they're leaving

Xiao: i can finally brea the

oh hey i found my sanity- FUCK THE WEDDING

bara toast: FUCKnnk

bara toast: THE WEDDING 

bara toast: WE HAVE SO MUCH TO DO

child support: i'm sure its not that urgent

bara toast: YA'LL BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER TO THE 6TH ALLEYWAY OR I'M GOING TO GO ALL WIND'S GRAND ODE ON YOU

all bread dough: shit he used 'yall'

all bread dough: so this IS serious

bara toast: ......

bara toast: sucrose?? 

rose: i'll be there to help!!

bara toast: thank archons i love you

all bread dough: AYAYAYYY BACK THE FUCK OFFF

child support: man i guess aether was just never there :((

all bread dough: shutthefuckupyoubicthasswhorensbhs

rose: thats pretty gay

bara toast: 

child support: be there in 10 

sleigh: what

they're sus

Aether: oh god what are you guys doing now

Mona: stalking

Xiao: nothing

Xiao: stfu mona

Mona: watching

Mona: waiting

Aether: 

Amber: why are you so open about this-

Xiao: IM NOT

Lumine: sooooo

Xiao: so?

Aether: you're gonna tell us that you're stalking kaeya and his wife and you're not going to tell us what they're doing??

Xiao: okay,,,i want you to know that I NEVER agreed to this

Mona: WDYM

Mona: YOU SUGGESTED IT

Xiao:

Xiao: So what are they up to, you say?

Aether: whats the tea

Xiao: mmm lets see

Xiao: i can't see much because of mona's BIG ASS HEAD

Mona: WELL IF YOU WEREN'T SO SHORT MAYBE YOU'D BE ABLE TO S E E

Xiao: EXCU S EME??

Xiao: YOU WANNA GO

Mona: wait

Lumine: hurry up

Amber: WHAT HAPPENED

Mona: ehh they seem pretty close alr ngl

Mona: I still want to know what the glowing things are

Mona: and where I can possibly get one

Xiao: you're impossible

Xiao: oh wait

Aether: what now

Xiao: you can see little symbols on them

Xiao: glowing_things.png

Aether: oh yeah you can

Xiao: it looks like a...snowflake??

Aether: ice??? or what

Aether: winter?

Aether: he likes winter so much that he has an orb with a snowflake on it??

Amber: wait kaeya despises winter

Xiao: huh

Amber: every day, he starts with

Amber: "fuck winter"

Amber: or, "fuck, it's winter"

Amber: any of the two

Xiao: so,,,currently its autumn?

Xiao: should I be expecting a fuck winter

Amber: probably??

Mona: SHUT UP

Mona: fuck they're gone

Lunime: okay,,kaeya and his wife aside

Lunime: i want to know who ajax, barbatos and kreideprinz are

Lunime: what if we know them

Aether: well,,that seems really unlikely

Lunime: yeah, but it was literally revealed like two days ago that kaeya's a prince

Lunime: literally anything could happen

Mona: SHUT

Mona: THE FUCK UP

Xiao: mona's mad bc her source of mora might be gone

Mona: WHAT DID I SAY

fish

Kaeya: so, midnight tomorrow??

fish: yeah.......im scared lmao

Kaeya: why

fish: isn't khaneri'ah supposed to be really dangerous

fish: one of my excuses to not come was literally infertility 

Kaeya: ExcuSE ME WHAT

fish: I GOTTA PULL OUT ALL THE CARDS OK

Kaeya: it's fine, they wont attack as long as im here

fish:

Kaeya: i feel like that deserved something

fish: oH uwu my saviour my prince spARKLES owowowoo

Kaeya: NO

Kaeya: STOP

Kaeya: how to unsee

fish: haha

fish: ok fr tho

fish: WHY DID I AGREE TO THIS

fish: LIKE IM GLAD IT WAS YOU AND NOT SOME POWER-THIRSTY DUDE

Kaeya:....thanks?

fish: but like

fish: dad i 

fish: i like girls

fish: pls

Kaeya: please i was considering telling my dad that i have a boyfriend but

Kaeya: i'll be dead lmao

fish: AW YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND

fish: SEND NUDES

fish: PICS*

fish: fuck

Kaeya: CONCERNED NOISES

Kaeya: luc.png

fish: AWWW

fish: oh yeah

fish: i have a question

Kaeya: shoot

fish: who were the people following us??

Kaeya: i'm sorry what

oh hey i found my sanity- FUCK THE WEDDING

bara toast: 3am thoughts

child support: its 9pm

bara toast: literally?? no one?? asked???

child support: tough day buddy?

bara toast:

child support: go on

bara toast: isn't kaeya technically cheating on diluc

bara toast: like,,,he's getting fucking married

rose: wow what??? no fucking way sherlock

child support: WHA

rose: I'm so sorry!!

rose: Albedo took my phone

bara toast: i almost had a FUCKING HEART ATTACK

child support: holy shit

child support: anyway that...thing aside

child support: i hope he does something about it

child support: there is very little we can do to stop this

rose: i would like nothing more than to chop of the king's head - albedo

bara toast: bro where's your phone

rose: i have no fucking clue

rose: oops???

bara toast: you're an idiot

bara toast: hopefully kaeya will know what to do

bara toast: So, where are those calla lillies??

rose: ahh

rose: WELL I'LL SEE YOU LATER

bara toast: ALBEDO

bara toast: ok thats it we're going to khaneri'ah now

bara toast: ITS BEEN 2 DAYS AND THE CATHEDRAL IS STILL EMPTY

child support: FINE I GUESS I'LL FAIL CHEMISTRY

bara toast: YOU WERE ALWAYS FAILING IT

kae

kae: huh?? following us??

kae: SO LIKE?? DESCRIBE THEM

Fischl: uhh one looked edgy

kae: okay so xiao, got it

Fischl: the second was

Fischl: i

kae: i can sense a gay panic

kae: lesbian panic

kae: OHO

Fischl: SHUT UP OK

Fischl: kinda looks like a witch

Fischl: i mean,,not a witch

Fischl: ...a pretty witch??

kae: you are soo fucking whipped

kae: i think you're talking about mona tho

Fischl: is that her name

kae: oh fuck im so sorry damn idk who mona is or anything

Fischl: OK SHUT UP 

kae: aww you're so cute when ur mad

Fischl: SO YOU HAVE CHOSEN D E ATH

kae: fight me bitch lets go

mom come pick me up im gay (and bi)

Zhongli: So, has anyone seen Childe??

dildo: or kaeya?

xiao: who's gonna tell him

painther: no one

dildo: tell me what

dildo: is he okay

dildo: did he hurt himself in any way

painther: no-

dildo: oh thank god

Zhongli: Hello?? Childe?? Location???

keqing: we're not 5 Zhongli

Zhongli: Not physically, at least

dildo: damn I felt that

xiao: no, i don't know where he is

xiao: and tbh i haven't seen venti for the past few days either

painther: albedo hasn't been responding to my texts

dainsleep: oh hello

xiao: YOU

dainsleep: me-

xiao: you're closely associated with them

xiao: RIGHT

dainsleep: yes sir-

xiao: do you know where they are??

dainsleep: oh yeah i do

dainsleep: can't tell you tho

Zhongli: why?

dainsleep: just can't

dainsleep: sec ret

painther: that's so suspicious lmao

dainsleep: ehhh

dainsleep: they're preparing for something rn

vwenti: FINALLY

vwenti: I FUCKING FOUND YOU

dainsleep: AND THIS IS THE TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

vwenti: DAINS YOU FUCKING BITCH GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE OR I'M GOING TO BLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

dainsleep: hmmm?? what type of blow ;))

xiao: HE DID NOT

painther: DAMN HES BOLDD

vwenti: oh? ;))

vwenti: WAIT No

vwenti: IM GOING TO COUNT TO 10

dainsleep: OK IM COMING ARCHONS

keqing: huh? what does archons mean

vwenti: dains

dainsleep: oops???

the better twin: *takes notes*

Zhongli:...so where's Childe?

xiao: for fucks sake

Chapter Text

detectives of teyvat

Xiao: target 5 meters away

Mona: copy that

Amber: .. are you guys still following them

Mona: yes

Xiao: no 

Xiao: fuck you

Mona: i'm not venti though ://

Mona: okay but who is this chick she's lowkey fine

Xiao: i do not need simping mona with me rn 

Xiao: i need smart and stealthy mona

Amber: smart mona doesn't exist though ?

Mona: simping mona is on her way ;)

Mona: EXCUSE ME

Xiao: fuck my life i was supposed to be studying

Xiao: SHIT HIDE

Mona: FUCK

Amber: oh no .-.

Lumine: i'm so scared for yall rn ._.

Xiao: DO YOU THINK THEY SAW US

Mona: NO...

Mona: I DONT KNOW

Xiao: THIS IS NOT GOOD,,

Mona: DETECTIVES OF TEYVAT-- MAYBE ANOTHER DAY

Lumine: I think you should retire

Xiao: wait, stay

Xiao: is that childe?

Lumine: oh fuck no not the ginger

Xiao: I'm not kidding

Xiao: that's childe. to your right

Mona: holy shit that is childe

Mona: he looks so tired

Mona: wait where did kaeya and fischl go

Xiao: who cares about them now

Xiao: follow childe, he looks suspicious

Mona: copy that 

Lumine: please retire i beg of you

oh hey i found my sanity- FUCK THE WEDDING

child support: hey is this good enough?

child support: fischlbouquet.jpeg

bara toast: i love it!

bara toast: it's perfect <3

bara toast: you have a natural talent childe

bara toast: why didn't you tell me 

child support: i didn't know you were capable of compliments

bara toast: i hate it burn it

child support: i-

rose: so colour scheme is purple and white?

all bread dough: i thought it was purple white and blue

rose: oh

bara toast: ugh we're so behind schedule

bara toast: AREN'T I SUPPOSED TO BE THE DISORGANISED ONE 

child support: yes chef

bara toast: what

child support: what

all bread dough: this looks good?

all bread dough: decorations.jpeg

rose: look's great master albedo!

bara toast: UGH AND WHERE THE FUCK IS DAINSLEIF THAT MOTHER FUCKER

mom come pick me up im gay (and bi)

dainsleep: and that's how i got ligma

keqing: wait whats ligma

kaewya added Fischl von Luftschloss Narfidort Amy to chat

kaewya changed Fischl von Luftschloss Narfidort Amy's nickname to Fischl

dainsleep: ligma balls

dainsleep: Good afternoon, my lady.

keqing: ...what

dildo: everyday we stray further from god's light

Fischl: Greetings, 'Dainsleep', though I was under thy impression that thy nameth of thee was simply 'Dainsleif'. However, 'Dainsleep' must be a variation of thy alias thee, am I correct?

dainsleep: No, my lady. I shall change my alias now.

kaewya: TOP TIER ENTERTAINMENT

Fischl: I'M JOKING DAINSLEIF YOU DONT HAVE TO LMAO

dainsleep: oh thank god

Fischl: it's nice to finally meet you! i've heard great things from kae!

dainsleep: wait you say good things about me

kaewya: no i shit talk you obviously 

dildo: who's this-

Fischl: my name is fischl! nice to meet you...dildo?

dildo: diluc.

Fischl: diluc!

Fischl: sounds familar

kaewya:

Fischl: OHHHHH

Fischl: well its sooooo nice to meet you ;)

keqing: why is your name so long

keqing: not to be rude, genuinely curious

Fischl: who knows tbh :/

vwenti: HHEYYY MOTHERFUCKIERS

vwenti: Hello, my lady

Fischl: bar-

Fischl: venti!! hello!

vwenti: Hello, your majesty.

Fischl: no need to be so formal, hehe

vwenti: UGH GOOD I WAS DYING

dildo: wait you're royal?

Fischl: yep! princess, unfortunately

vwenti: speaking of which,,,

vwenti: DAINSLEIF :)))))

dainsleep: oh no

vwenti: i finally found you

vwenti: you and i,, are going to have a long long talk :)))))

dainsleep: i think i'll pass

kaewya: DAINS JUST ACCEPT PLS I WANT YOU ALIVE

dainsleep: FINe

vwenti: @chwilde @albwedo @suck roses say hi to her majesty.

vwenti: dainsleif. 6th alley. now.

dainsleep: yes sir :(

albwedo: praying for you bro

chwilde: LMAOOO SUCK SHIT

suck roses: two kinds of people D:

Fischl: please no royal status in here ;;

albwedo: yes your majesty

albwedo: fuck i already failed didn't i

chwilde: you'll get there eventually

moan-a: good morning my wallet! how is my daily income

chwilde: shit as usual

chwilde: also it's 2pm

moan-a: and

chwilde:

kaewya: ah yes

kaewya: fischl this is mona

kaewya: mona this is fischl 

Fischl: wait whos mona

Fischl: 

Fischl: o

Fischl: nice to meet you!

moan-a: hi, i guess..?

moan-a: fischl is a nice name :)))

kae

Fischl: HELP HELP HELP HELP

kae: heyyy calm down bro

Fischl: IM SHAKING

Fischl: SHE'S SO PRETTY WAH

kae: okay calm down.,,,

kae: maybe you should go hang out with her tomorrow :0

Fischl: NO I CANT

Fischl: i cant face her

kae: then maybe at the end of this week you can

kae: you'll be used to her then wont you?

Fischl: oh you're right!

Fischl: wait

Fischl: aren't we supposed to get married at the end of this week

kae: we're getting married??

Zhongli

Diluc: something isn't right with kaeya

Diluc: and same with your ginger

Zhongli: He has a name,,,

Diluc: whatever

Diluc: they've been gone, havent been attending classes

Diluc: ignoring our messages?

Diluc: and they aren't at their dorms when we visit

DIluc: something is very wrong here

Zhongli: I 

Zhongli: I want to disagree, but I know that you're correct

Zhongli: Usually Childe comes to see me, but he hasn't since this week started

Zhongli: I have asked him but he's just said that he's busy

Diluc: That's what Kaeya said, too

Diluc:  i tried asking his friends, Venti, Albedo, Sucrose, Childe and Dainsleif

Diluc: but they all ignored me

Zhongli: Have you tried asking Xiao, Mona and the rest of the group?

Diluc: i just might, but I think you should ask Xiao, he's weak to you

Zhongli: He is not

Diluc: try me bitch

Diluc: lets make a bet

Zhongli: I see. What are the terms?

Diluc: buy kaeya and i lunch if xiao tells you even a little bit of whats going on

Zhongli: And if he doesn't?

Diluc: then

Diluc: i can't believe i'm saying this...

Diluc: i'll help you and childe get together

Zhongli: Deal.

Zhongli: The contract is fulfilled. That which thou seeketh is now bestowed unto thee, for my promise is solid as stone.

Astrology girl idk

Diluc: Hey

Astrology girl idk: hm? and what does the almighty diluc want from a poor college student

Astrology girl idk: paypal link in bio, btw

Diluc: i'm not donating to you,,

Astrology girl idk: ah, so rude, but what do you want then?

Diluc: i want to ask you if you know anything about kaeya

Diluc: yk, being gone literally all the time

Astrology girl idk: ah

Astrology girl idk: no, sorry 

Astrology girl idk:  i mean i do know, but i can't tell you

Diluc: that's fine...

Diluc: free lunch

Xiao

Zhongli: Xiao, hello

Xiao: zhongli

Xiao: do you need anything?

Zhongli: Yes, I was wondering if you knew anything about the constant disappearance of Childe and Kaeya

Xiao: no

Zhongli: No?

Xiao:...yes i do

Xiao: i shouldn't tell you.,

Zhongli: Should you not tell me?

Xiao: ugh, fine, I guess i can tell you a little bit,,

Zhongli: Go on.

Xiao: I only know things about Kaeya, I..am unsure about Childe

Zhongli: Please provide all the information that you can.

Xiao: ahhh amber and lumine are going to kill me,,

Xiao: here's our current list

Xiao: 

- Kaeya is royalty from his hometown (not specified)

- Probably why he's rich

- He fled to university to study

- Probably not mentally okay (same)

- associated with childe, venti, albedo, dainsleif (?) and sucrose (?)

- Venti's job is to stay still while people worship him (ready to throw fucking hands)

- Childe's job is to create chaos (???)

- Albedo, Sucrose and Dainsleif jobs unknown

- associated with 'ajax, barbatos and kreideprinz'

- glowing orbs observed on kaeya and blonde girl  'fischl', light blue and purple in colour, light blue has a snowflake, while purple has some sort of electricity sign

- saw one on childe. dark blue, some swirly symbol on it. was wearing a red mask on the side of his head, carrying an assortment of objects. disappeared in the 6th alleyway from campus.

- childe = ajax/barbatos/kredeprinz ?

- returned holding purple and white flowers, seen giving them to girl with light red/orange hair, wearing a mask (he called her katya?? catya?)

Zhongli: Childe...flowers..girl?

Xiao: oh no

Xiao: zhongli, please don't jump to conclusions

Zhongli: He...Is he cheating on me?

Xiao: you aren't even dating,,

Chapter Text

Xiao

Xiao: you aren't even dating,,

Xiao: Zhongli, please don't jump to any conclusions

Zhongli: Xiao, you don't understand 

Zhongli: Ajax never talks to females

Zhongli: He's only ever hung around me, and in extension, Kaeya

Zhongli: But I know Kaeya and Ajax are friends over lovers

Zhongli: Ah, why did I fall in love with Ajax, out of all people. He's way above my league and I'm just..here

Xiao: are you fucking serious

Xiao: no offense, zhongli, have you looked in the mirror

Xiao: you're incredibly good-looking

Zhongli: My, my, Xiao. I was not aware that you harboured feelings for me

Xiao: IM NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU

Xiao: I'm trying to say that ed sheeran look-a-like LOVES YOU

Zhongli: Well, of course he does. We're best friends

Xiao: i hate you.

oh hey i found my sanity- FUCK THE WEDDING

child support: i miss zhongli :((((

bara toast: and i miss xiao but we are EXTREMELY behind on this wedding and we need to get it done

bara toast: albedo? did you handle the invitations?

all bread dough: all done

all bread dough: should we invite...you know, our friends ?

bara toast: ..are you crazy

bara toast: at that point they'll be ex-friends

all bread dough: but its kaeya! and he's getting married,,

all bread dough: i feel like they'd want to be a part of that yk

bara toast: did you forget diluc and kaeya are dating

all bread dough: ohhh fuck you're right..

all bread dough: just don't invite diluc??

rose: they would tell diluc though, wouldn't they?

all bread dough: right...

child support: i'm just gonna say

child support: i think they're going to find out anyway...

child support: i mean, literally xiao saw me giving flowers to katya to take back to homeland

child support: they're not stupid, they'll find out sooner or later, even if we don't tell them

child support: so you could say, either way we're going to lose them as friends..it's better to get it done sooner or later isn't it? 

child support: you can recover quicker

bara toast: but xiao..

bara toast: i don't want xiao to hate me

child support: i don't want zhongli to hate me, but look at us

child support: it was bound to happen

all bread dough: i think, i think he's right

all bread dough: we should invite them.

rose: im scared

bara toast: we all are, sucrose, but it's okay

bara toast: we have eachother right :)

child support: mhm you're right

all bread dough: yeah..

bara toast: ..so, make a few more for our friends here.

bara toast: also, let's not tell kaeya, i don't want him stressed out before he gets wed

rose: you're right..

bara toast: okay everyone back to work

bara toast:...where's dainsleif

rose: not again

Zhongli

Diluc: I'm expecting a free dinner

Zhongli: Diluc, I don't think

Zhongli: Kaeya is not who you think he is

Zhongli: Please, tread carefully

Diluc: No. I trust him and he trusts me. 

Diluc: Are you implying that Kaeya is lying to me?

Zhongli: Just..be careful, okay

Zhongli: I'll give you free lunch

Diluc: With what mora?

Dear my beloved son, Kaeya--

How are you? I have not heard from you in some time, please respond with ease. How is your new fiance? She is the perfect wife, poised, elegant and never speaks out of turn.

Have you two been on a date yet? I heard she loves this dish named Mitternachtsbrot des Sommernachtgartens, which roughly translates to "Midnight Bread of the Summer Night Garden". If you want to please your new fiance, you can get this ordered from Khaneri'ah. A special order, just for you two. 

Please inform me of any issues in the future. Remember, you are to wed in three days. Please be vigilant. 

Yours truly, 

Your Father

Broke Astrology Girl

Xiao: do you think we should tell them

Broke Astrology Girl: about what? the wedding?

Xiao: yes. 

Broke Astrology Girl: well,,i think we should yes.

Broke Astrology Girl: diluc deserves to know what kaeya is doing to him.

Xiao: but,,, he's so in love. this seems like a bad idea

Broke Astrology Girl: xiao. three days. i'll give you three days to give me your opinion on this, or im telling him myself

Xiao: ugh, fine.

fish

kae: my dad wants us to go on a date

fish: i see

kae: any preferences?

fish: huh dont you hve to go on a dinner date w diluc?

kae: yeah, dinner

kae: not lunch

fish: hm

fish: any recommendations

kae: i like wanmin but its super cheap

fish: whatever you want i'll take

fish: i've always wanted to expand my taste anyway

kae: is there anything you wont take?

fish: sweet madames. those motherfuckers

kae: LMAO okay

mom come pick me up i'm gay (and bi)

moan-a: target spotted

xiao: still stalking them?

moan-a: yep

moan-a: oop they're in wanmin

moan-a: sitting down rn

dildo: hey what's going on?

moan-a: oop they're talking mhm

moan-a: leaning in

xiao: uhh mona?

moan-a: shush im in my element

moan-a: ok i see them better now

xiao: mona. 

moan-a: leaning in

moan-a: kaeya's showing her a letter

moan-a: fischl cringes

moan-a: oh childe is here

xiao: MONA

moan-a: SHUSH XIAO

moan-a: childe sat down

moan-a: childe whispering smth in kaeya and fischl's ear

xiao: MONA!!?!?

moan-a: ooft looks like its bad news

moan-a: hey this girl is here?? oh its the same woman childe gave flowers to

moan-a: ok he's leaving with the girl

moan-a: fischl and kaeya kinda look sad

xiao: FOR GODS SAKE MONA!??!?

Zhongli: What.

dildo: what..

moan-a: oh

moan-a: this isnt the right gc...

xiao: I TRIED TO TELL YOU MOTHERFUCKER. 

Chapter Text

hi there

its been a while lol

if you literally don’t care about this fic or me that’s totally fine LMAO just click off now because this is basically me explaining myself ;; 

warning for rambling :,)

…

so um first of all im so sorry for not updating holy shit i can’t believe it’s been so long,,,and to think i left you guys on a cliffhanger??? wow that was not very cool of me. if you were still waiting all this time i love you

anyway so i’ll just cut to the chase. basically i got so busy with exams and school that i stopped playing genshin completely. not playing genshin meant that i lost interest in the ships and all that, and i especially became disinterested in kaeluc/luckae, which is the main ship of this fic, so obviously i became unmotivated to write.

i know kaeluc is an extremely sensitive topic for most, so i didn’t actually want to think about it for a bit and wanted to concentrate on zhongchi, hence the update of the other fic. 

but then i fell out of genshin completely, i didn’t even think about it and i felt so guilty when i saw you guys commenting on my fics, asking where i have been. i was very much close to deleting these fics

and then came the aspect that this fic is old. honestly it makes me cringe so bad, so i’m reconsidering remaking the entire fic, which will be a lot of work and stuff…

okay! good news! i got back into genshin lol. idk what happened my friend told me one day that they’d gotten yelan on my account and boom i was back into it. that, ofc, gives me so much motivation to write again, but i am still busy so idek when i’ll be able to. i want it to be soon, but again, i’m not sure.

i wish i could give you a solid answer :(

but yeah! that’s where i have been. thank you for the continuous support

ALSO WHAT THE FUCK CHILDE HARBINGER AAA OMG HES SO PRETTY SOMSGSHSKSKSN 😭😭

anyway have a good day ily will update soon 😔

and ignore any typos its 2am