Archive of Our Own ^beta

you bitch ass motherfucker

you touch me one more time with your ugly hands and i'll fucking end you

bitch

He was talking about you.

git gud scrub

pull your own weight or i'm dumping your body into jueyun karst

Aww thank you <3

People call it gap moe <3

It gets me whatever I want <3

Disgusting.

I was talking about you.

Well well. If it isn't our pyro user strolling in ten minutes late once again.

I don't want to spend more time here than necessary.

Believe me, the feeling is mutual.

Tch.

they dropped the area hours ago

other teams could’ve cleared it

Well, you certainly have higher expectations of other teams than I do.

There is a reason our team is still top 10 despite having nonexistent teamwork.

oh you think they're conspiracies, do you?

wait till you hear about the resin fraud

Can we PLEASE get a new team.

:|

Do you have to do this every time.

They already started.

Hello Travelers!

Today, the newest floor to the Spiral Abyss was added.

Dozens of teams have already attempted this daunting challenge, but none have been able to clear it yet.

Which team will prevail? What lays beyond the abyss?!

We’ll have all the breaking news for you right here, so don’t miss out.

What’s this? It appears that Team BP has arrived on the scene!

For those who are new to the game, Team BP is currently ranked number 8 in the world.

They have been responsible for clearing approximately 30% of the abyss chambers.

Their members are all on the top 20 most powerful players list.

They sure suck at working together, but at the very least there’s no shortage of explosions and property damage when they’re there!

For more information, Outrider Amber is on the scene!

Scaramouche, if you hit me one more time I will break your fingers in real life.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m on the same team as you buffoons.

No, I am simply waiting for the right moment to swoop in and steal your kill.

Please carry on.

If you say that line about the candy bar and acting different when I’m hungry one more time, I will freeze your mouth shut.

Hey guys! Amber on the scene here.

Team BP is once again tearing the floor up.

I can’t see much because Diluc just unleashed his fire birdy attack uselessly at a hoard of pyro slimes but hey, you do you, friend!

Oh! I hear the sound of the finishing alarm.

Congrats, folks! That’s another floor cleared.

Will it be another staircase beyond the door? Or will there actually be—

Wait, huh?

That’s not our team next to “First Cleared”.

Team Liyue? Who is that?

They do not appear to be ranked.

this wouldn’t have happened if strawberry shortcake pulled his weight

I did double the amount of damage you did.

and you had to be revived SEVEN times

You need to do better with the support then.

Shut it.

speaking of fucking pitiful numbers

childe

A likely excuse.

you better watch your kneecaps asshole

Oh. It went through.

Hello. Thank you for letting me join your world.

My apologies, but abyss challenge?

Oh yes, I did see something about that in the announcements.

Were you participating?

No. Should I?

Your name was at the top of the requestable cooperative gameplay list.

Should I not have?

Childe. Hi.

:|

Oh, you found out faster than I thought

Rude

Just because I turned you down doesn’t mean I don’t have one

Ganyu? Yeah

She’s improved so much. I’m really proud of her

Do you have an opening on your team?

Sorry, no

We added Xiao a couple weeks ago so we’re all filled up

That reminds me. You guys never told me why you’re on that team anyway

Doesn’t seem like you’re having much fun

Hey stranger! Thanks for letting me into your world <3

I’m struggling soooo hard on the recent co-op event. Can you help me?

Yay! You’re the best <3

It’s so difficult playing by myself sometimes, you know? Little old me, against the whole world...

But now that you’re here, I have nothing to fear anymore <3

Can I add you to my friends list?

...

Please tell me you didn’t fall for that

Unbelievable. You’re even bigger of an idiot than I thought.

Also don’t use my face.

Anyone who compliments your archery skills is immediately sus

You suck at it

Anyway, I’ve told you again and again that there have been reports of hacking

Do you listen to me at all?

:|

Hey friend, welcome back! <3

While you were afk, I stole all your sea conches that you need for character ascension and killed you twice, just because I can <3

Later, sucker! <3

you’re one spot higher than me on this month’s rankings

i’m making sure that it won’t happen again, asshole

Seeya! <3

You really decided to be friends with someone like that?

He just likes fighting him.

The two of them waste all our healing resources fighting each other.

No.

He what

You told me you two were friends.

She said she wanted to be on a famous team and bandwagon off of our successes.

And you let her on because you said you admired her honesty.

Yes it does.

Yeah it does

Anyway, forget Genshin

You guys want to come over? I got a new game right here that I can’t wait to play

You should see the boys in this one. One of them is just there to look pretty and I’m pretty sure he’s going to be your favorite, Childe

I can be over in five.

Should I bring some tissues?

Two boxes please. I have a feeling this one’s going to emotionally destroy me

Childe, you coming?

You had more than two weeks

Do you need help?

Your loss.

Oh, hello.

I was not expecting to run into you again.

No. I did as you instructed and clicked the random matchmaking button.

Of course.

You are very good at fighting, from what I remember.

I can see that.

I am good at creating shields.

Other than that, no.

My damage output is low. My specials do not work most of the time. My attacks are inconsistent and scale terribly.

I have no invincibility frames during my attacks. I can barely generate my own energy particles.

In addition, my petrify ability is unreliable and does not work against some mobs. Dominus Lapidis does pitiful damage and scales wildly based on external terrain.

As my friend Venti always informs me, I am a Useless Good-For-Nothing Blockhead who built my kit completely wrong and put all my assets into my appearance instead.

Thank you, but it is alright. I have already accepted it.

Of course.

Hey loser, where you at?

She’s crying and wants you to bring your narwhale onesie.

Ow.

Hmph

Still? It’s been hours

Is that coop really that hard for you

What.

“Consensual” “Robbing”

Childe, do you remember that teams share the same resources?

Half?

Signora isn’t the one you should be worrying about.

You can stop once you make back the amount you gave away.

I’ve already made back double what you lost <3

an eye for an eye bitch

...is that what it stands for?

please tell me you’re joking

What

???

What did you do?

Hm

Well, I feel bad for you. I really do

But I’m currently outside experiencing the real world. Breathing in fresh air. Touching the grass

There’s life outside Genshin, you know

Anyway

Go find some rando to coop with you. I’m busy

Oh.

Oh. Kaeya. Hello.

Who?

Oh, Lisa? Yeah, things are fine.

You should get some sleep, Kaeya. Thank you for your hard work.

You can report tomorrow.

...

I don't know why I try to keep anything a secret from you anymore.

Right.

Anyway, you're correct.

The team has vanished from public view recently. Completely disappeared without a trace.

For a team of beta testers to just vanish overnight is almost unheard of.

Yes.

Everyone knows that the beta testers get privileges that regular players don't.

Team Archon in particular was notorious for giving away resources with seemingly hidden motives.

Funds mysteriously vanished every moon.

Well, that's one possible explanation.

Do you have any thoughts, Kaeya?

I'm going to take that as a no.

We are an investigation team, Kaeya. This is your job.

Besides, I just wanted you to keep your ears peeled and let me know if you hear anything.

You're particularly good at digging up things that are supposed to be secret.

Anyway, I was going to assign you to the Team BP case instead.

Oh. Excuse me.

Formerly Team BP. Now Team DPS. Oh wait. Team Pyro Asshole, Short Asshole, Pretty Asshole, Asshole Asshole.

Team Childe Bully Squad Part 2. Team Purple, Red, Blue, and Bitch.

Team Phatooey... I'm not really sure what that is.

...ahem. Anyway. There are several more listed in the database.

The team appears to be having a disagreement and all members keep submitting suggestions individually.

Anyway, they're currently rank 8 in the world. I'm assuming you've heard of them?

Fair.

Anyway, there have been some complaints about them rising too quickly in the rankings.

They broke the previous record for ascent to top 10 by nearly halving it.

As you can imagine, there are a lot of people unhappy about these circumstances.

I... you're right. I cannot deny that a lot of complaints have been coming from teams in the top 30.

But could you check it out for me? Just in case.

I would appreciate your help.

That's fine.

I'll start by overlooking the records that seem to have mysteriously disappeared from the inventory as soon as you laid your hands on them.

Yet when all hope seemed to be lost, the great princess of darkness swooped in and rained thunder from the skies.

A whip of electricity harnessed from the crown of the felled dragon king tore into the foul man's body.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

KLEE WAS THE ONE WHO DEALT THE KILLING BLOW

How absurd! You may have stolen his life, but it was I who cast his wretched soul into the eternal flames of the underworld.

KLEE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND

SHE IS GOING TO BED

Greetings, Emissary of the Chilled Neverlands!

You have returned at last!

You must tell me what you have learned in your journey through Teyvat's most treacherous shadows.

(we can talk tomorrow if you're tired)

Very well! Report then, young blood, lest you want to face the wrath of the seven gods!

Hey friends! Outrider Amber here, reporting out of Windrise.

Today we'll be showcasing the wildlife in Genshin Impact.

While the competitive scene garners a lot more attention, the beautiful scenery and nature isn't anything to scoff at either!

Oh, there appear to be two people there admiring the view.

Excuse me! Sirs! Can I have a moment of your time?

That was fast.

Tsaritsa hasn't been seen ingame for almost two moons now. And yet you were able to track her down so quickly.

I know I tell you this every time we talk, but you're quite impressive, Kaeya.

That's true.

I imagine if they were still playing the game, we would've heard about it by now.

It is hardly likely that the two of them wouldn't be recognized.

These are calla lilies. They are found near lakes.

And these are cecilias. They are found on cliffs and are quite beautiful, wouldn't you say?

You sure are knowledgeable, sir! Are you from around here?

No, nothing of the sort. To be completely honest with you, I know very little about the local vegetation in Mondstadt.

My good friend Bar-Venti is the one who informs me of these things.

Bar-Venti?

Yes.

It is because he goes to bars a lot.

LOL good one

i didn't realize you developed a sense of humor, moron-zhongli

I was not aware that that was something that could be cultivated over time.

Also, those aren't even the same letters.

Well then, Bar-Venti, may I ask you some questions?

o god

let me pull up the wiki real quick

ok hit me

Your friend here said that you know a lot about the local specialties of Mondstadt?

uh

sure!

this here is a dandelion

it's used to make wine

that is a valberry

also used to make wine

isn't the world such a fickle little thing

it gives u capitalism and poverty and class imbalance

and death and disease and heartbreak and cheese

but hey! at least there will always be enough wine to drink ur problems away

Er...

Surprisingly jaded response aside, is your friend okay?

my friend?

o u mean zhongli?

Yeah, he's eating some wolfhook berries, right?

Aren't those poisonous?

o r they?

yea teehee i told him to try some since they smelled weird

anyway do u wanna hear about how the economy is collapsing or about dragonspine melting

Wait sir! Don't eat those. You'll die!

Oh no, he just collapsed!

this ain't about him

No, of course not.

Why would you think that?

It was a terrible ordeal. There were countless beta testers who vied for special privileges.

Morax was forced to fight many of his friends, for they had broken their contract with him and tried to steal from him. Human greed is a terrible thing.

This so-called war lasted for an entire week. During it, he had to bring his laptop to university with him to defend against surprise attacks at any time of the day.

At the end, Morax ended up being one of the beta testers who prevailed. But at what cost? The friends he made along the way had all quit the game.

And then... my apologies, what was the question again?

I'm doing well. How are you?

Oh.

The Sovereign of Immernachtreich has rid the world of countless monsters. Her lifeforce has been drained by the darkness of the underworld.

She had been planning to rest amongst the silent ones for the night.

UGH.

(you're so full of crap but fine)

(no that was all me)

(i hope you stub your toe on a rock)

Who are you.

...

You're the same as Scaramouche.

It wasn't one.

How many times do you need to run the domain?

No.

My artifacts are fine.

...no, my real life friend has a hydro vision and he was a little overzealous about equipping me with good artifacts.

He just wanted to fight me at my strongest.

Sorry, I was eating dinner.

Kaeya, please remember this is work.

Kaeya?

At least please avoid causing an international incident like last time.

HELP

NO. HELP.

KLEE DYING.

HELP. NOW.

PLEASE.

OWIE.

My name is Diluc.

...

Why does a Khaenri'ah sword user need help clearing a domain?

Don't play dumb.

Childe made me watch a documentary series on the Khaenri'ah battle style so I recognized it immediately.

There are less than 200 of you, aren't there? And you mostly keep to yourselves.

What is someone like you doing here?

Well?

Fine.

I don't have any secrets.

...

KAEYA.

HELP. KLEE IN DANGER.

HP IS RED. OW.

OK! KLEE WON'T DO THIS AGAIN.

SHE PROMISES.

SORRY.

ohhh is it u

when diluc told me there was a super strong cryo user i was imagining someone bigger

oh u have a mouth on u! i like u already

:)

sooooo u wanna fight?

if u do i'll sneak onto diluc's laptop and accept ur friend req

same to u!

:)

mister zhongli???

HOW DO U KNOW THAT

YAY!

and so therefore that's why there's no way mister zhongli is morax

i would know if he was

o u gave in quick

i was expecting more of a fight from u

You're right. Sorry.

No one deserves to have to deal with Childe.

Did you need something?

Why did you make me log onto Genshin Impact just to tell me this?

Barbatos, we are roommates.

You are sitting next to me right now.

No, of course I will help you.

What are you having difficulties with?

That is not economics.

wh

who r u

Barbatos? What are you doing here?

barbatos?

like one of the archons?

morax?

i wasn't the one who said it, u were!!

SCROLL UP

They are nicknames.

o makes sense

i mean they sound close enough

Hey friends! Outrider Amber here, reporting out of Guili Plains.

There have been recent sightings of broken Ruin Guards scattered around the area.

What could have defeated these menacing beasts?

Is there something even more terrifying than the Abyss Order out there?!

We will attempt to get to the bottom of this today!

huh?

o

i feel the same way!

my friend diluc is over rn and we're supposed to be watching scary movies

but he's giving me the stick eye bc i've been cooping with mister zhongli instead

Childe, I greatly enjoy your company.

mister zhongli...

o that does sound bad

I would not mind perishing if I could spend more time with you, Childe.

mister zhongli, don't say that

I speak nothing but the truth.

Sigh

Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm trying to train right now

I really don't have time to deal with coop

I guess that's fine

Wait

I've seen you before

What?

I didn't say anything about Barbatos

Stop trying to distract me

Also that last one isn't true