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>what happens after death
>when i die its over
>im afraid of dying
"Death is inevitable, there's no point of wasting your time and worrying about it..."
"It's hard to overcome yourself, have an assignment with qualified person..."
***
Today you actually managed to get up and do your chores. Your vision darkens after ten minutes of hard work.
Ah, right.
You didn't eat anything in a few days.
How could you forget.
***
You take the death inevitability to cope. Somehow, it makes everything easier. There's an end, and after the end nothing will matter anymore.
So, death is inevitable.
There's no point of worrying.
About death, about anything at all, right?
But even with this relief remorse eats you alive from inside out.
***
A dim phone light hurts eyes. You're staring at Kel's number for several minutes already, unmoving, finger hovering above message button.
What would you write if you could?
I'm sorry?
***
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>i killed someone
"Take responsibility for your actions..."
>how to cope with guilt of killing someone
...
***
Your mother can't stand your presence, so she works herself to death just to not to return home.
She became a stranger in some point of your life.
(Subconsciously you're trying to convince yourself in illogical reassurances, to find explanations that wouldn't be turned towards you. But there's no point. She knows. This is the truth you can't deny.)
You understand her. You're just a parasite sucking on her resources.
You don't love parasites, nobody does.
You wonder how horrible she feels in a need to provide for said parasite just because she made a mistake of giving birth to you.
***
You start forgetting to eat more often. Your mom isn't home to remind you.
Eat. Throw up. Eat. Throw up.
It became ordinary.
You're wondering how you're still alive.
***
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>i cant eat
"Consult a doctor..."
***
You passed out on the kitchen floor. Your stomach is tearing itself apart.
Whatever you eat, it comes back.
...
Your body is probably collapsing.
You can't bring yourself to care.
***
Ah, no. That won't do.
You hurt everyone you love the most.
Are you okay with this?
***
You're afraid of dying and afraid of living even more.
You don't have any future, probably. Your mother will dump you to the streets as soon as you reach legal age.
Your father left once and you never saw him again. He'd likely strangle you otherwise.
Your friends won't forgive you.
Honestly, if they somehow will, it'd make you feel even worse.
***
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>how to kill yourself painlessly
>easiest way to die
>less painful way to die
"Suicide hotline..."
"Assesment of suicide preventative activities in..."
"No one can answer your question, I'm sorry that you feel like giving up, but there are a lots of things to live for..."
"Think about your friends or family..."
...
***
You settled with a steak knife.
Let yourself die in pain, choking on blood: you didn't deserve an easy death.
Time for parasite disposal.