Chapter Text
"Hello?"
"Kwannie~"
Only when Hansol is in the goofiest, most playful of moods does he use this voice. Hansol doesn't think it's very cute, but he knows Seungkwan does, so whenever Hansol puts it on, it’s for him. Seungkwan pinches his lips together, trying to hold back a smile, keeping his voice serious.
"Yes, Vernonie?"
"What are you doing?" Hansol asks. "Did you eat today?"
"I had dinner," Seungkwan says. "I sent a picture to the group chat."
"Oh right, yeah," Hansol says. "Hey – Kwannie, can you sing for me?"
"You're very drunk, Chwe," Seungkwan says. He can't stop the smile, and it's grown so big he wants to hide his face. It's embarrassing. "What song?"
"Anything," Hansol says. "I'm not that drunk."
He is that drunk. Seungkwan can tell, and there's something about his voice, slightly muffled, that tells Seungkwan he's laying in bed, too.
He's laying in bed, ready for sleep, when his thoughts went, apparently, to Seungkwan. Seungkwan singing. Seungkwan hums a few bars, trying to find a something that catches his interest.
The song he picks is originally fast and happy, but it's late, and Hansol is trying to sleep, so Seungkwan sings low and calm, the cadence of a lullaby.
"Hiding together, in the unknown, where nobody searches… I wish time to be forever when I'm with you," Seungkwan sings. "A delight that is put in my heart… My dear, who is in my deep heart, forever… May this moment be forever..."
The other line has gone quiet, so Seungkwan trails off, lets the silence linger for a moment, waiting, wondering if he should hang up.
"Pretty Kwannie," Hansol finally mumbles. Seungkwan feels his face heat.
"Sleepy Vernonie," Seungkwan says. "Go to bed."
Hansol says something in english, too mumbled to make out, but it sounds childish and bratty. For a second Seungkwan thinks he's demanding another song, and he's happy, but then Hansol just agrees, and says good night.
"Love you~" Seungkwan says.
"Love you," Hansol answers back, by rote.
Seungkwan hangs up.
"Sounds like you two made up," Wonwoo says, on the other side of the couch, tapping the screen of his phone lazily.
"He was just too drunk to remember we're fighting," Seungkwan says.
It wasn't important anyway – Hansol showed up late for something they agreed to do together. Usually Hansol would just apologize and they would move on, but this time he was sure it was Seungkwan who remembered wrong. The disagreement became curt and cruel, they missed what they had planned to begin with because of it. It was the sort of thing that would naturally resolve itself in a day or two, but Hansol's friends arrived from overseas, and Hansol had to leave on his personal schedule.
Seungkwan had tried his best to just let it go, but it had been weighing on his mind. It must have been the same for Hansol, for him to get clingy and cute like this while drunk.
It's enough of a truce for Seungkwan, and will probably be a bit embarrassing for Hansol – plus he's not really one to hold a grudge. So in a way, Wonwoo is right. The fight will never be mentioned again.
He doesn't like fights with Hansol. Sometimes anger can feel like a righteous, powerful thing, something Seungkwan can wield like a weapon, but that's never the case with Hansol. He never feels like he's won, even when he was right and Hansol admits it. It's just awful until they make up again, so after the call, Seungkwan feels lighter and happier. He's in a good mood the rest of the night, finds himself humming into his pillow before going to sleep.
x
A personal schedule is something to be respected – if a member decides to contact someone from the company during one, that's a welcome surprise, but it's not something Seungkwan would interrupt outside of an emergency. They've got a lot to be grateful for, a lot of luxuries and freedoms, but real personal, private time is a thing they can't just save up and buy. It's a rare, precious treat, and they all honor it for what it is.
Hansol's call last night was surprising enough, but Seungkwan is really, truly, not expecting the text the next morning.
Vernonie:
hung over.. ㅜㅜㅜㅜ
Seungkwan:
I thought hansollie wasn't that drunk~
haejangguk?
Vernonie:
ㅜㅜ thank you
It was a question, not an offer, but Seungkwan has no problem with Hansol mistaking it for one.
He's still feeling especially warm toward Hansol after last night, and in times like these, he enjoys taking care of his members. Hansol especially. As always.
Seungkwan orders chicken soup from a place close by, then gets ready. A quick shower, and he tells himself not to care about what he's going to wear, but he ends up deliberating between a hoodie and a button up anyway. He goes with the hoodie, and picks up the meal on his way to the hotel Hansol and his friends are staying.
Seungkwan is not expecting to meet any of Hansol's friends today. He's expecting Hansol to be alone in the room, slow to wake up and groggy. Seungkwan will feed him haejangguk, help get his head on straight, and then leave, so Hansol can continue his personal time.
When he knocks on the door to Hansol's room, though, a stranger answers.
"Oh! Hey, it's Seungkwan!" the stranger says, in english, with that crisp Seung-kuhwan most Americans have.
There's more english happening in the room; tired, sloppy english from several voices Seungkwan can't keep up with. But the stranger at the door steps back, welcoming him inside.
Seungkwan follows, a little hesitant. There’s Hansol, still in bed, half under the blankets, with five or so people sitting around him. They have laptops, two guitars, journals with handwritten notes, and take out piled around the trash.
These must be Hansol's music-making friends.
Seungkwan is only carrying enough food for two. Should he get more? Did Hansol expect him to bring more? He should've said that if he did. Seungkwan's nerves are turning to agitation as these strangers stare at him, curious about his presence.
Seungkwan's good with groups of new people generally, but – this a part of Hansol's life Seungkwan has never seen for himself before. Those mysterious messages Hansol types up, in english, while everyone else is distracted in conversation, while sitting in a corner of the van, go to these people. These are the people who make Hansol's phone buzz, stealing his attention away at dinner, making his eyes go bright with excitement as he quickly types back a response, discussing private things Hansol couldn't share with Seungkwan even if he wanted.
They are important people, and Seungkwan doesn't want to leave an impression that will reflect poorly on Hansol, or on himself.
Hansol does not seem awake, eyes cracking open just barely as he pulls his hoodie over his bedhead, calling out a groggy, "Good morning."
Seungkwan smiles despite himself at the sight, pulling out the containers of haejangguk and sides, stacking them in the kitchenette.
" - Vernon's boyfriend?" is sudden english that gets Seungkwan's attention.
"No, no," Hansol says, so quickly his voice cracks. Seungkwan feels Hansol's gaze dart his way, checking his reaction.
Seungkwan keeps sorting through the containers, pretending not to understand what was said, partly out of cowardice, and partly because he's curious to see how this will play out.
The person who made the mistake says something in an apologetic tone. Seungkwan recognizes the phrase 'pictures online.'
"Yeah, we're just friends," Hansol says.
Some laughing comments, something about a very good friend, and soup delivery.
"Maybe he's more like your nanny?"
Nanny. Seungkwan doesn't know this word. From Hansol's scoff, he thinks it might not be a good one.
"Just a good friend," Hansol says again, firmly.
Seungkwan ordered enough soup for the two of them, planning to eat it together, but now, all he wants to do is empty the bag and escape.
The conversation is still happening, probably about Seungkwan himself, and though his instinct is saying he ought to stay, do damage control – smile and be very nice and friendly and correct whatever assumptions these strangers are making about him - these aren't PDs or idols or anyone he has to work with. They're Hansol's friends, and Hansol can tell them whatever he wants.
Really, Seungkwan should just leave. It's awkward that he came at all, it's probably awkward that he started setting up breakfast... he should've just passed off the bag and left.
He gets a bowl and plate for Hansol alone, then glances around the room again, taking in all the objects and people blocking the way to Hansol, on the other side.
No, Seungkwan's not crossing that.
He finally looks directly at Hansol, who seems to sense it – they lock eyes.
"Eat a lot, feel better," Seungkwan says, with a smile. He nods briefly toward the rest of the people in the room, then leaves.
In the hall, on the way to the elevator, Seungkwan walks quick, as if he can somehow out pace the embarrassed blush creeping up his neck.
"Wait – Seungkwan!"
Seungkwan stops, turning around in surprise.
Hansol is jogging toward him, with this bedhead and sleep pants.
"Sorry," he says. "They all came in the room after I messaged you."
"Ah," Seungkwan says. That makes sense.
"Sorry – uh," Hansol says. "Thank you. For the soup."
Seungkwan nods.
They stare at each other.
There's a lot of unspoken tension bubbling around in Hansol, he clearly wants to say more, but he can't seem to get it out.
Seungkwan wonders if he wants to apologize. For his friends, or for himself, 'no no, just friends!' Hansol can't do that, though, because that would mean admitting the comments were made at all, when there's no reason to assume Seungkwan understood them. And it's not like he was lying. It just sounds so dismissive, and the force that he said it –
If it's about that, or if it's something else, Hansol can't get it out before the elevator dings, arriving on their floor.
"Really, feel better," Seungkwan says, nodding again. "And have fun."
Hansol stares after him as the doors shut, rubbing the palm of his hand into his eye, still struggling to wake up.
-
Seungkwan looks up the word nanny, but doesn't like the results.
He asks Joshua, but he describes basically the same.
The moment, which had already felt embarrassing, feels even worse.
But it's really only a problem because Seungkwan got his hopes up. Drunk Hansol is not like any other kind of Hansol, so there was no reason for Seungkwan to assume he'd be met with that kind of affection. And so what if he didn't eat breakfast with Hansol? They eat breakfast together all the time. Just not that time. It's fine.
It was really nothing. Except -
Except that Seungkwan felt happy. It felt special, or significant, or something, that Hansol had wanted to see him. That Seungkwan had a space there, in that part of Hansol's life. That Seungkwan could bring him something worthwhile... Well, he wasn't wrong about that, but seeing it through a stranger's view – Vernon's nanny. Seungkwan hides his frown in his knees, which he pulled up to his chest.
Part of him thinks about being cold to Hansol in retaliation for this. He even builds up the fantasy a bit, and vowing that he'll stick to it, this time... but truthfully he won't. He can't. Hansol didn't do anything wrong, he didn't make Seungkwan any promises. All he did was ask for soup.
Seungkwan really needs to work on keeping his feet on the ground, which is pathetic to realize, as a grown adult.
Should he stop loving Hansol? Maybe, but there's a pouting, stomping protest inside him whenever he thinks like this.
He enjoys it. He likes loving Hansol. He likes Hansol, he's one of the best people Seungkwan's ever met.
Hansol actually, seriously thinks about what's right and wrong before deciding which is which, and then he stands by it without flinching. The cruelty he's experienced has only made him softer and more sympathetic to others. He's loyal, and clever, he's so dependable and hard working, and, literally, the most beautiful boy in the world. If Seungkwan got to pick anyone to fall in love with, it would be Hansol.
Even all these years later he still doesn't know how Hansol feels about him, though. Hansol sidesteps the question whenever he's asked in public, and in private Seungkwan doesn't dare approach it, too cowardly to hear what Hansol might say.
He thinks Hansol doesn't know, either. If he did, he'd say it outright, Seungkwan thinks. That's Hansol's way.
But maybe Seungkwan is lying to himself. Remembering how quickly Hansol said no, no, just friends, how forcefully. Maybe Hansol has been telling Seungkwan that he's not interested, and Seungkwan hasn't been listening...
Seungkwan sighs, and is surprised by the miserable, broken little shake in the middle of it.
"How was breakfast with Hansol?" Seokmin asks, and Seungkwan lies, and says it was good, too embarrassed to admit what actually happened, that he was mistaken, he wasn't actually invited, so he hadn't eaten at all.
-
"When is Hansol back? Tomorrow?"
"The day after," Seungkwan says.
"It'll be nice to have him around again," Joshua says.
Seungkwan murmurs a quiet agreement before shoving a large bite of food in his mouth. It's a vocal unit dinner, and Seungkwan does not want to encourage this topic. Jeonghan is unpredictable when it comes to sensitive subjects, just as likely to tease and poke as he is to give sympathy and good advice. With Joshua here for him to play off, Jeonghan would probably go for the first option. Plus Jihoon, who is always his cruelest when he doesn't mean to be, Seungkwan is not in the mood to hear some flippant, dismissive comment about how petty he finds the entire thing.
Seokmin would be nice, but Seungkwan isn't in the mood to see him in an awkward position either, trying to change the topic, sending Seungkwan sympathetic looks. No. Just leave it there, Joshua, Seungkwan thinks, slurping up his noodles.
"I bet Seungkwannie misses him," Jeonghan says. Seungkwan flinches, glancing up – Jeonghan is drinking, running his thumb up the handle of his beer. Seungkwan never had a chance.
"Of course," Seungkwan says, mildly.
"Hansollie messaged him at the start of his break," Seokmin says.
"Really??"
"Yeah, they had breakfast together," Seokmin says.
"I thought you two were still fighting," Joshua says.
"We made up," Seungkwan says.
"But you've been so moody this whole time," Jeonghan says. It's something all of them noticed, apparently, sharing the question on their faces as they wait for his response.
Seungkwan glances away from the table. He really can't come up with anything to say.
"Did something happen?" Seokmin asks.
"No," Seungkwan says. "I'm just... thinking about a lot."
"Did he... have someone with him, or something?" Joshua asks.
"No," Seungkwan says. He looks at his plate, mumbling, "One of Hansollie's friends thought – asked if I was his boyfriend."
"And?"
"And Hansol said no. We're just friends," Seungkwan says. "Because that's what we are."
"Not really," Jihoon, of all people, says. Everyone turns toward him in surprise, and he shrugs, defensively.
There's an awkward pause where no one seems to know what to say, and weirdly, Seungkwan finds comfort in it. At least the situation feels strange to them, too.
"Hey, did you see that message from Minghao this morning?" Seokmin says, suddenly and just a bit too loud, changing the subject.
Thankfully they go with it. They talk about lighter things, eating and drinking and Seungkwan makes a point of joining in, not wanting to appear moody.
They do have fun, and stay longer than they planned. By the time they leave Jeonghan is drunk enough to be nodding off as they wait for their ride, then slump hard against Seungkwan once they sit down.
"Come on, hyung," Seungkwan says, trying to help him up, out of the back of the car. "Come on, it's time for bed."
"Seungkwannie," Jeonghan laughs, flopping back, limp, before bracing himself and stumbling to his own two feet. "Ah, Seungkwannie. What do we do with you?"
His tone is affectionate and kind, so Seungkwan just makes a noise of sympathy, helping direct Jeonghan off the sidewalk, inside their apartment building. "Come on, almost there."
Jeonghan stumbles a bit while they wait for the elevator, ends up leaning against the wall, then sliding down, to his ass. He laughs there for a minute, and Seungkwan bends down beside him, trying to pull him back up again, but all Jeonghan is concerned about is talking. "Seungkwannie, what a mess you're in," he laughs, patting Seungkwan's cheek affectionately. "It's not really fair, is it? Poor Seungkwannie~"
"It's okay," Seungkwan says. "Come on, let's talk upstairs."
"It's okay? Okay," Jeonghan says, and slowly gets his feet under him, pushing himself upright. "Okay. Seungkwannie. Listen."
"I'm listening," Seungkwan says, taking this chance to hurry Jeonghan into the elevator. If he falls in there, Seungkwan will just have to roll him out the door.
"Hansol loves you."
Seungkwan bites on the inside of his cheek, watching the numbers on the elevator go up, holding Jeonghan as steady and upright as he can.
"Acch, you don't think so?" Jeonghan asks.
"I think it doesn't matters either way if he can't say it."
Jeonghan makes a soft noise of sympathy. But he is very drunk, and though he makes some garbled attempt at advice, he can't get together anything coherent before Seungkwan gets him to his bed, leaving water and pills on his nightstand.
-
Seungkwan did drink, but not nearly as much as the rest of the vocal unit. His headache is clearly nothing compared to Joshua's, who shuffles around the dorm with eyes squinted shut, moving quietly and carefully. Jihoon isn't getting out of bed before noon, as per usual, Seokmin and Jeonghan are thoroughly wrecked, so it's up to Seungkwan to order haejangguk.
He doesn't bother to take a shower, just shoves on a hat. He barely looks human, so when he gets to the shop and someone calls his name, he panics, pulling his hat down further to cover his face, and gets ready to run if need be.
"Seungkwan!"
But it's Hansol's friend.
It's the man who opened the door to his hotel room, before. Seungkwan blinks in surprise to see him here, in this shop, alone. What is he doing here? Is Hansol nearby? Seungkwan doesn't see him, so did Hansol send his visiting foreign friend out to get food by himself?? God, probably, it's the sort of thing Seungkwan would scold him for and Hansol would laugh lightly about, then apologize, because he hadn't been thinking.
"It's Seungkwan, right?" he's saying. "I thought it was you, I saw enough of your videos."
"You're – " Seungkwan's voice is barely there after last night, and he clears his throat, then tries again. "You are- Vernon's friend?"
He confirms as much, and he greets Seungkwan the same way Hansol prefers – a high five that turns into a half hug, then back slap. "It's too bad you couldn't come by again, maybe next time I fly over we'll get to work together?"
"Oh – yes, next time," Seungkwan says, struggling to comprehend the actual implications more than the language. "Sorry, but - you saw videos?"
"Yeah, Vernon kept showing off your work, it was a good direction for our project. Well, maybe not this project - " he starts going off about the specifics of what they were doing, going into slang and technical english that Seungkwan can't really keep up with. He's interrupted when the bell at the counter rings, and the clerk announces a name. It's apparently Vernon's friends name, because he looks up, nodding. "Okay, I gotta get back with this hangover cure, but for real. Next time."
"Next time," Seungkwan agrees, feeling a little dizzy. Vernon's friend waves good bye, and Seungkwan pokes his head out, watching to make sure he heads in the right direction to make it back to the hotel – and he does, after checking his phone for reference.
Seungkwan leans back into the shop, trying to calm himself down enough to go over the conversation – well, he should've figured some of that out. Vernon's friend had recognized him on sight the first time, hadn't he? So Hansol had been showing Seungkwan off. Just his singing. It's not – it's not romantic, it's the kind of thing Seungkwan should not build up in his head, and he won't, but it's a cool, soothing salve over the festering embarrassment from earlier. They might have been teasing, but they weren't – they weren't laughing. He wasn't a joke, Hansol hadn't been telling them he was a joke, and a knot of tension Seungkwan hadn't realized was twisting up inside his chest slowly loosens, stinging only for a moment as it fades completely.
If his members thought he was moody before, it's nothing compared to when he comes back to the dorm with the haejangguk. He sets it down in the kitchen, messages the group to let them know it's ready, then goes to his own room, and lays there, all day, deep in his own thoughts.
-
Hansol comes home in the early afternoon to very little fanfare. Seungkwan hears the members that are home welcoming him back, asking him about his time away.
He waits for the conversations to die down before leaving his room. He stands in the doorway of the kitchen, watching Hansol finish off a bowl of rice.
Seungkwan really doesn't want to say anything, because he does not want the attention of the other members on them for this. Thankfully Hansol seems to be on the same page, because as soon as he sees Seungkwan there, he silently gets up, and they walk together to Seungkwan's room.
Seungkwan sits on the bed, Hansol follows, and once they're face to face, Seungkwan sees the nerves bordering on fear in Hansol's expression. He obviously doesn't know where to start, and neither does Seungkwan, really.
"I met your friend when I went to pick up haejangguk," Seungkwan says.
"Yeah, he mentioned..." Hansol trails off.
"He said that he wanted to do a project together some day," Seungkwan says. He says it in a flat, neutral tone, Hansol seems uncertain about how to react. Seungkwan sighs, heavily. "Before. When I brought you soup."
"Yeah," Hansol says, bracing himself – this is probably what he was waiting for, he's probably expecting a fight.
"I thought you were going to be alone, I thought we were going to have breakfast together."
"I didn't expect them to come in.," Hansol says, quickly, and Seungkwan feels bad for how geninuely pained he looks, so he squeezes Hansol's hand.
"I know. But your friends," Seungkwan can feel his throat starting to go thick with building tears, and he closes his eyes, trying to hold it off. "Uhm. They joked I was your nanny. And they asked if we were together, and you told them no. You sounded like – you really hated the idea."
"I'm sorry," Hansol says, quickly, like he was only waiting for the right time to say so, but Seungkwan shakes his head, squeezing his hand again.
"I felt really bad." Seungkwan is trying to downplay it, but that somehow has the opposite effect, especially with how his voice shakes in the middle. He clears his throat again. "I felt pretty bad about it, for a while, until I saw your friend. And he told me that actually you were saying nice things about me. Before that I assumed you were joking about me, too. And after I saw him... I wondered, why did I assume that? Why was that so easy for me to think?"
Hansol blinks, the tension and nerves in his expression growing somber as he considers this, too.
"I thought – I was being insecure," Seungkwan says, and he can't keep his voice steady anymore, needing everything he has to keep the actual tears down. "But I really, really thought about it – why shouldn't I have thought that, Hansol? What am I forgetting, that proves you wouldn't do that? What do you want me to think instead, when something like that happens?"
Seungkwan sniffles, and he wipes the tears that have spilled onto his cheeks away. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to finish, squeezing tight on Hansol's hands again, this time for his own support.
"I know that you love me," he says, quiet and embarrassed. "But it's getting hard to remember how I know that."
"I do love you," Hansol says quickly, almost before Seungkwan can finish.
"I know," Seungkwan says, voice weak and light. He can't look up from their clasped hands, too frightened.
That might be the best, and only, answer Hansol can give right now. I do love you won't be enough. Seungkwan wasn't expecting it to become this, but it did. He's exposed and vulnerable in a very real way, and he needs more from Hansol to come back from this in one piece.
"I – Seungkwan," Hansol says. "You do everything."
Seungkwan breath hitches, upended by the words, but Hansol continues.
"Some people show affection with gifts. Or words, or favors, or something," he laughs a little, weakly. "But you do all of that."
It's too much, you're too much for him, is what the already mourning voice says in Seungkwan's head, right away, but Seungkwan silences it, refuses to give in. He doesn't interrupt. He closes his eyes and waits for Hansol to finish. If this is it, if this is Hansol really – really putting this to a clear, unambiguous end, he will accept it like a man. But he should hear Hansol out first.
"Even when you're mad. Especially when you're mad," Hansol says. "It's still – you're still – everyone you love still knows you love them. No one never doubts that." Hansol shakes his head, grimacing. "Not everyone can do that. I know it's exhausting for you, but – at least people know you care about them."
Seungkwan's mind is slow to cotton on, to grasp the point Hansol is making. Hansol – knows? Hansol knows, and considers it his own weakness? Whenever Seungkwan imagined the inside of Hansol's head reserved for this issue, the part that got overwhelmed with Seungkwan's affection, he imagined some resignation, some annoyance. Not that – Hansol saw it as his own failure to reciprocate.
"Sometimes I don't know how to say it," Hansol says. "And I don't always want to touch, I don't always like that, and I don't know how to - to say that without – "
"No, I understand – "
"But you're right," Hansol says, shaking his head. "If I don't say it, it becomes a situation where all you're doing is understanding."
"Hansol – "
"I don't know how to say it," Hansol says, again. "But I am thinking about it. Sometimes you're all I think about, Seungkwan. Like - there's this song, I listened to it a lot this week."
Hansol reaches into his back pocket, pulling out his phone.
Both Hansol and Seungkwan love music, but like most things, they express it in nearly polar opposite ways. When Seungkwan hears a song he loves, it lights him up, like touching a livewire. Memories and emotions and energy all make him want to sing, dance, and if not that, his mind lights up, he sees it, and feels it.
But Hansol listens to his favorite songs with serious, contemplative quiet. Eyes closed, head dipped forward, an intensely private experience.
Seungkwan sees his eyes hood with that seriousness as he finds the song he's looking for, and taps play.
The song is old. Seungkwan can tell that straight away, and just familiar enough that Seungkwan's sure he's heard it before, but he can't really place it. He's not surprised when the english starts, but Hansol starts translating before Seungkwan can even try following along.
"So this – this man, he's singing about his feelings, that he has for someone he loves," Hansol says. "And the presents he would give, to show his love. But he can't give those gifts, he can only give is this song. Even if it's not very good. And he hopes – that the person he loves doesn't mind that he's sharing that, their love, in this song..."
Hansol is nervous, he swallows as the lyrics stop, and the melody plays. It might be nice, but Seungkwan can't hear it at all, he's so focused on Hansol, who is looking down at his phone with his mouth pinched in a nervous line.
"So he's – now he's singing about how hard it was to write this song, he couldn't come up with the words. And then he says – the sun was patient while he tried, and it's because of people like you that the sun exists. And then he asks – he says he's sorry," Hansol's picking up speed, and confidence, maybe out of some sort of kamikaze adrenaline rush to the finish. He locks eyes with Seungkwan. "Because he's forgotten some things, like the color of your eyes, but – your eyes are the sweetest I've ever seen. I hope you don't mind... that I put down in words, how wonderful life is while you're in the world..."
The verse repeats again while they stare at each other.
The song ends.
"I heard this when I was a teenager," Hansol says. "And I thought of you, but I never told you. I still think about you when when I hear it, because you make my life so much better. And I know that, I think about it, but I never really tell you. I want to tell you that more. But you asked what I would want you to remember, if something like that happens... I would want you to listen to this song."
He stares at Seungkwan, expression painfully earnest and sincere.
"... Can we listen to it again?"
Hansol plays it again.
This time they're both quiet, and Seungkwan listens hard to the lyrics., wanting to hear them the way Hansol does. Did, as a teenager.
He doesn't know if he manages, but as he tries, Hansol pulls him in closer, and closer, into his lap, where holds him tight. He presses his face into Seungkwan's hair, and breathes in. When the song ends, he puts on a different one.
They end up spending hours in there, listening to music, the mood eventually lighting to the point that they can laugh and tease each other.
Seungkwan leaves Hansol's lap, but only so they lay face to face on the bed. It's not a love song, it's by a girl group who was still in their cute concept, and wouldn't do anything remotely sexy for three more comebacks – Seungkwan is telling Hansol this, while singing some of the lines, when Hansol suddenly reaches out, cupping the side of his face. He looks a little annoyed, but that's just the strength of his emotions, stiffening the lines in his face.
"I do love you, Boo Seungkwan."
Seungkwan covers Hansol's hand with his own.
He shouldn't do it, he shouldn't risk ruining this moment, which has been more than Seungkwan ever expected, but... Hansol looking at him like that, the intensity of his words. It feels like the thing to do.
Slowly, bracing to hear no, Seungkwan leans in closer.
He's surprised by Hansol suddenly meeting him there, and then some. He was only going to press a light peck on Hansol's lips, but Hansol is kissing him with a lot more than that. Seungkwan inhales in surprise, and Hansol takes the opening to deepen the kiss, hand going from his cheek to the back of his head, back of his neck.
Oh, that voice inside, so prepared for rejection and tragedy that it's easily overwhelmed by pleasure. Oh, it's real, it's happening...
Seungkwan kisses back, hands gripping the front of Hansol's shirt tight by the time they pull apart. Hansol looks, as always, beautiful, he's looking at Seungkwan with such fondness, such open adoration that for a moment, he truly does understand why it's a difficult thing, for him, just to say the words. It's what Seungkwan is feeling, it's what he would like to say, but he just can't come up with anything, stunned.
So he just surges forward, kissing again instead.