Work Text:
Dazai Osamu holds Atsushi openly. Curiously, surprisingly open.
Despite how the man feels far away at times even when he stands near Atsushi. His words and actions allude on secrets, things that no one would simply understand nor notice in just a glance.
And yet, when he does those things , no matter how small, Atsushi never fails to notice each of them all the time.
The way copper eyes twinkle in the littlest of moment every time Atsushi shares with him looks, talks and touches. The way his lips upturns to certain words and actions of Atsushi, that Atsushi finds to be more genuine than his already usual expression. How his hair is messy and almost as long as Atsushi's, the way he doesn't bother to comb it nor tie it, yet Atsushi wonders why he wants to just touch it and comb his fingers through, ask Dazai to sit down and tie his hair up for Dazai. How his hands twitches to his sides in a way that he can't decide where to put them, awkwardly leaving it out then retrieving his hands into to his pockets. Sometimes Atsushi catches him staring and he would form a smile on his lips. His eyes would look into the distance and Atsushi would catch the monotony on his face, but when he looks at Atsushi, his face would change and his eyes will hold warmth that makes Atsushi feel so many things. His voice turns soft and low in every assurances and questions of concern. His words are sometimes slow, trailing after each other, and how it feels like there should be more to his words but nothing came after.
There are many more things that Atsushi can list for hours and hours.
But he can't and realize, as he sits on a bench for hours eversince he excuses himself for a breathe of fresh air, just how much he have been deep in thoughts this whole time.
He can't even remember what started these thoughts.
(He laughs at that.)
If all he thought for the pass hours is Dazai, he can't remember.
Knowing himself, he might have thought of the others too.
(He laughs at that.)
Seeing that the sun is already on the horizon and the sky starts going dark, Atsushi starts to feel that he doesn't want to be bothered anymore with thoughts that leave him tired.
And like the world heard everything from his mind, he hears the footsteps of Dazai approaching him.
(He noticed, Dazai would intentionally approach him with loud footsteps.)
"Atsushi-kun," He feels a warm hand land on shoulder. He didn't bother to turn around, "I came to see if you are doing fine since the sun is already coming down."
Atsushi doesn't know what to say exactly, he stayed on his seat and his gaze kept on the sky, on the trees that surround everything just below the cliff of where the bench is situated.
When he came here for the first time, he really felt calm after feeling so overwhelmed.
(But now...)
"Atsushi-"
"I don't feel like coming back yet." he said this firmly. He didn't mean to but that is what came out of his mouth.
Dazai seems taken a back. He stood behind him in silence for seconds. A bit after a group of birds came flying through the sky and pass Atsushi's sight, he lets out a sigh and walks up infront of the bench, "...can I join you?" he asked with a smile.
Atsushi nods.
Still he didn't look Dazai straight on the eyes.
It didn't feel right. It feels like trespassing into a place that he is not supposed to know about.
( But feels like he is supposed to know about. )
"I love the sunset." Atsushi blurted out, not long after Dazai sat down and made himself comfortable assumingly, with the way Atsushi hears him shift slightly like there was no more space left on the bench.
Atsushi doesn't know the expression on Dazai's face now that he said that.
(But Atsushi has a vague idea.)
"I feel an immense attraction to it." That is true. It was magnetic to Atsushi.
Even though he never seen it before in the orphanage. Nothing to remember about the sunset itself but the orange hue on the sky reminds him how fast the night approaches, he remembers the aches on his muscles became more evident as the nonchalance of just staring endlessly on the cold iron bars is replaced slowly with terror. He can hear a door opening, it echoes through the small room and into his mind and into his own being.
(Atsushi becomes more aware, that the roar he heard at those times, came from inside of him.)
He never even thought that he will get to see what the afternoon really looks like and not only the changing sky.
(He is sure that he hated the afternoon. He believed that nothing comes good after the sun hides entirely on the horizon.)
"I don't know why, but I know it is special... I feel it." This time Atsushi steels himself.
He doesn't want to look anyone in the eyes.
But the immense urge to look them in the eyes and say the words that feels right to say, gave him the courage to look at Dazai.
The only thing that he got in seeing the sunset's light reflect on those eyes that looks more golden now, the subtle quiver in his expression and his wides eyes looking solely at Atsushi is...
Feelings are beautiful.
(Atsushi realizes.)
Everything in this moment feels special. His heart swells with love.
He loves Dazai Osamu. That is abudantly clear.
He loves everyone. And he remembers their eyes all of the sudden despite their absences.
Nakajima Atsushi was filled with love, given by everyone who loves him with wholehearted reciprocation.
But Atsushi realizes...
..that feelings are also ugly.
...oh so ugly.
"But I don't remember why, and I doubt I will."
Dazai Osamu looks shattered.
(Everything feels wrong.)
His feelings need him to say 'I love you' to Dazai because it felt right.
But it wasn't what Atsushi needs to say. It felt right to say at this moment but it wasn't his honest thought.
"Atsushi-kun, you...that is.."
( Maybe if he remembered, Atsushi will know why it doesn't feel so shocking to see Dazai's composure fall apart. )
Everything in this moment feels wrong.
Atsushi's heart aches.
He loves Dazai Osamu.
But he doesn't know why. He doesn't know why Dazai Osamu loves him either.
He loves everyone.
And hates the way their eyes look at him with familiarity that Atsushi fails to understand.
Nakajima Atsushi is filled with love, given by everyone who loves him with wholehearted reciprocation.
But it doesn't feel like the love is for him.
It fills him with regret. It fills him with sadness. It fills him with anger. It fills him with jealousy. It fills him with confusion. It fills him with frustration. It fills him with grief. It fills him with guilt. It fills him with hopelessness.
It fills him with so many things, all the once.
But Atsushi just can't imagine how much the others are hurting more than him.
He feels tired of everything, of himself.
They feel tired of trying not to give up on everything, on him.
It pains him to see how tired they actually are, but they still hold onto Atsushi, hoping, hoping so much to see a spark of remembrance in his eyes.
It pains him how the hope would dim everytime he just.. looks at them. But they never gave up on him.
(not yet.)
And Atsushi is getting sick.
He is getting sick of pretending like he was filled with the same intense hope.
He is getting sick of pretending that he remembers an inkling of a memory to everything that they are telling him.
...When he doesn't.
Not even a single speck.
All he relies on is his own feelings but the vacantcy in his mind haunts him and his feelings just feeds more and more and more to the feeling that he isn't the Atsushi Nakajima that everyone knows.
He is not the Nakajima Atsushi that everyone grew to love.
He wants just scream it all out, tell them all to leave him alone, tell them all he wants to say, tell them all that he feels hopeless, tell them the honest truth that he won't be able to remember everything.
He will never remember not matter what he does. No matter what they do.
It doesn't feel right.
But his mind says otherwise.
"Osamu."
(This doesn't feel right at all, it doesn't, it doesn't)
It doesn't.
Dazai's eyes widen in shock. Atsushi can't help but clench his hands and grit on his teeth. He tried his best not to snap.
( Don't look at me like that. )
"I will never understand the way you guys look at me,"
(...even when Atsushi feels like he should. )
"...nor the way you guys look at each other,"
( He remembers watching them talk from far away. The itch to understand.)
"...the little things you do that feels familiar, but like a hidden message that is just...there, open but unreachable."
( He never really liked how Ranpo said a joke that he never understands that the others get but him. )
"...I just don't feel so..."
( He never really liked how Kenji brought him somewhere and talks about something that made him feel lost.)
"...I just don't feel like I belong? you know?" Atsushi tries to ignore the lump on his throat.
Even when his heart felt heavy, and Dazai looks like he was losing himself too, Atsushi continued, " And I can't help but feel so,"
( He never really liked how the Tanizaki siblings talked about something that happened that feels like he was a part of...but he can't remember.)
"...so lonely."
( He never really liked the first time he saw Kyouka. He never really liked the first time he saw them surround him on his bed.)
He never really liked the first time he opened his eyes and he didn't where he was.
He never really liked how he found out that he is supposed to know all these people, that he lost all his memories with no guarantee of getting it all back.
He never really liked the look on their faces when he panicked, screamed and thrashed.
( who are you...)
How he can still see it like a phantom on faces that exihibits calmness, patience and understanding.
But now looking on the expression of Dazai, as it cruel as it sounds, Atsushi feels a bit of satisfication to finally see the entirety of his weary feelings.
(He wonders if Nakajima Atsushi is actually cruel.)
"A-Atsushi-kun..." Dazai finally utters after just looking at Atsushi for so long, "How long have you been feeling like this?"
"I don't know." Atsushi smiles, he chuckles, "I really...don't know."
Atsushi sucks in air to help himself breathe, how long was he holding it all in?
The sky was almost, entirely dark, he can't hear the birds anymore and onlythe rustle of leaves stayed.
He thought saying all of that would help elevate a bit of the weight that he have been feeling since days.
He only feels worse.
Atsushi laughs,..sobs?
Only now is he crying infront of Dazai.
He didn't mean to but it doesn't hurt the less to see how his words affect Dazai so,so much.
Why is he the one crying? When the one who lost someone special is Dazai?
Why does he feel so tired? When the one who are actually trying their best to help him are them?"
(He doesn't deserve any of this.)
Atsushi didn't fight back when Dazai embraced him firmly. He doesn't grip back when Dazai combed through his hair. He stays limp even when he felt warm lips on his temple.
"Atsushi-kun...why did you not tell me?" Dazai asked. His voice small almost like a whisper.
"Because I don't know you."
It hurts to say it, it hurts to hear his voice hitch, it hurts to feel the tears finally falling down Dazai's cheeks.
Atsushi's feelings are not fake, he knows that.
But so are his thoughts.
Atsushi separates from Dazai, feeling the arms around him slack. He held both of Dazai's hands to his palms, hoping that his thumbs caressing will soothe the other.
They feel cold.
He was always bothered by the bandages peeking out of Dazai's sleeves. The scars and the roughness on his hands seem natural.
Must be a result from the fight. Hopefully the bandages too.
"I find you to be very beautiful...Osamu." He felt a slight flinch coming from the other, but he didn't let go of his hand. He feels a bitter smile form on his dried lips, "...everything about you... feels beautiful and I don't know why. This feelings of mine for you...they are beautiful too."
He wondered if Nakajima Atsushi and Dazai Osamu kissed all the time, how many times have they held each other, how many times have they laughed together, how many whispers are shared on a dark night or the warm sun?
How does Dazai Osamu actually act around Nakajima Atsushi?
( Is it the same as the way Dazai treats him now? or.... )
"I know how special you are...to me, but I don't know why..."
"I know that I am supposed to call you by your first name but..." he chuckles, bringing those hands near his lips but barely touching, "...I don't feel like I should."
(He wondered if Nakajima Atsushi would hold his hands? Hold it close to his face and feel the warm and affectionate touch as Dazai caress his cheeks or ruffle his hair.)
"I feel like I know who you really are..." Atsushi pauses, "...but it feels devastating that I can't even begin to remember anything about you."
"It feelings devastating to not remember at all." Atsushi presses his forehead against Dazai's hands, bowing his head low and tightening his grip.
His tears kept flowing down to his own lap and he can feel Dazai shake, his sobs and gasps quiet, but Atsushi can tell that Dazai is a crying mess. Just like him.
(He wonder how often Dazai Osamu cries around Nakajima Atsushi.)
He got a feeling that it isn't as often.
"But I have to bite back all the time, to try and not tell you guys...because I didn't want anyone to worry."
"...You guys don't tell me a damn thing but I notice every time...all the time,"
Atsushi sobs, "I try...I really do, but...but I just can't."
"I can't tell anything at all that will help give you guys the hope you deserve, that even a little, that my memories will come back."
He raises his head to look at Dazai, he feels himself choke on his next words upon seeing the hopelessness and horror on Dazai's face.
But Atsushi can't hold it in anymore.
"...I'm sorry..." his own smile quivers but he doesn't dare look away.
Dazai deserves to know how he really feels. All Dazai thought of is Atsushi's state. He is careful with Atsushi. He takes care of Atsushi.
Dazai just wanted the best for Atsushi.
"I'm so, so sorry," He whispers, still holding onto Dazai's hands as he brings them down between them.
"..I...all this time, I wanted to tell you guys that I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
There was nothing more that Atsushi wants to say. Even if he wishes to stop already, the same words keep flowing out repeatedly.
Even as Dazai hold him close again, even as Atsushi holds back tightly this timd to ground himself, even as Dazai continously rock him gently back and forth in their embrace, even as Dazai keeps whispering that 'its okay', 'I'm here', 'I'm sorry'....
Atsushi can't stop.
As he pours out the words he wanted to say, that his feelings kept away all this time.
Eversince that night he met everyone again. That night when he met Dazai Osamu once again.