Chapter Text
Five has been hoping Ben and Klaus would forget about the conversation they had on the set of the talk show, but then again, he’s never been a particularly lucky person. After everything the universe has thrown at him – he still hasn’t forgiven it for that time with the mouldy peaches – nothing should surprise him anymore.
“So, when are you gonna do it?”
He looks to his left. Klaus looks at him expectantly, toothpaste spilling out of his mouth when he smiles. Five grimaces. It’s too early for this. “Should I even ask what you’re talking about?”
“Oh, don’t play dumb with me, young man. I’m talking about you and Vanya,” his teammate urges, in a stage-whisper. His eagerness is almost sickening. Five spits into the sink. “When are you gonna ask her out?”
“We’re the same age. And who said I’m going to?”
“You did! Well, you implied it. It doesn’t matter. The point is that we all think you should.”
“Well, it’s a good thing I’m not in the business of taking advice from morons,” Five says flatly, and blinks out of the bathroom and into his room. He thinks that might be the end of it, but alas.
He’s finished shrugging on his blazer, and is making his way down the stairs in the cold morning light when Ben catches him. Five is glad to have Ben on the same landing, though it doesn’t mean much when Five never sleeps in his own room anyway. He feels bad that Vanya has to constantly put up with being sandwiched between Luther and Klaus, with all their pop music and nightmares and… annoying-ness. Ben’s quiet, and not a nosy neighbor – most of the time.
“Is it true you’re going to ask Vanya to go on a date with you today?” Number Six asks hopefully, and Five nearly trips down the fucking stairs.
“No,” he says, as a reflex.
“Why not?”
“Because – because I’m not.” Five can’t come up with a good excuse, it’s too early in the morning and he’s hungry. Maybe he should just tell Ben and have the whole secret relationship over with. What could Reginald do to make their lives harder anyway? …That’s a dangerous thought, and he shoves it back down, reminds himself bitterly that there are plenty of things that Sir would do to punish them if he found out. Boarding school, cameras, trackers – he won’t underestimate him. “Did Klaus say that? Because it’s not true.”
Ben looks at him sympathetically, which Five despises. “Five, it’s okay to be nervous.”
“I’m not,” Five snarls, but it doesn’t have much of an effect on Ben, who pats Five’s arm.
“Okay.”
They reach the bottom of the stairs. God, he needs breakfast. “Ben, I mean it. Do you people seriously have nothing more interesting to speculate about me and what, my crush on Vanya?”
“So… you do have a crush on her?” Ben says it innocently, but Five thinks he knows what he’s doing.
“I see right through you.”
“I don’t know what you mean,” Ben says, smiling.
Five points at him. “I think you do.”
“Sure, whatever you say, bro.” He shakes his head. Bro. Five thinks he’s spending too much time with Diego. “But just know that we’re all rooting for you.” He looks at Five positively, eyes crinkling in a genuine smile. God, he’s too nice. This is excruciating.
Wait.
“All?” He repeats, bristling. “Exactly how many of you are in on this?”
Ben fidgets, cheeks darkening. “Well – it doesn’t matter.”
He growls. “If you’re placing goddamn bets, Ben, I swear to God—”
“FIVE, Ben, hi,” Klaus interrupts, emerging from around a corner like a rat and throwing his arms across their shoulders. Five immediately shoves him off. “I hope you don’t mind if I cut in? I was just--”
“I’ll cut you,” Five says.
“—wondering if you decided on a location for the confession yet because I’m really feeling like, rooftop sunset vibes? So if we can—”
That cannot be what he just heard. “A location for what?”
“Your confession,” Klaus says breezily. “Keep up. Anyway Allison wants to know because the candles—”
“Allison’s in on this?” Five snaps, and stops walking. No, this is not happening. This is a point of pride, now. “You know what? I don’t care.” The other two look back at him, surprised.
His love life is none of their business, Five thinks indignantly.
He made Vanya fall in love with him all on his own, thank you very much. He doesn’t need their ‘help.’
“But we care,” Klaus says, pushing a hand over his heart melodramatically.
“Because you’re betting?”
Klaus hesitates, and lies. “No…”
Five rolls his eyes, and takes a menacing step forward, jabbing a finger into his teammate’s chest. “Truly flawless delivery on that fat one, Four. Well, I’m afraid you’re going to be sorely disappointed because when I ask out Vanya it’s going to be on my own terms, and none of you dimwits are getting a single say in it. You probably won’t even notice.”
“Uh, I think we would notice if you were dating,” Ben says doubtfully.
“Really? Wanna bet?” Five flashes his teeth. Now that’s funny.
Ben sighs. “No.”
Klaus cheers, “Hell yes!”
Five drops the smile and growls. “You’re all so annoying.” He pushes past them to go to breakfast. He needs to see his Number Seven. She’ll sympathise with him.
Klaus calls out mournfully, “We’re just trying to help! You can’t deny true love, Five!”
And ain’t that the truth.
…
Three, Four, and Six hold an emergency post-breakfast meeting when they’re meant to be getting ready for their morning training.
“Let’s make this speedy,” Allison says, hushed. They’re crammed in Klaus’ room, and for goodness’ sake, why has she never noticed how small it is? It’s making her depressed and she’s only been here for like two minutes.
“So!” Klaus says, “Five’s angry with us.”
“We were just trying to help,” Ben murmurs sadly.
“He did admit he likes her though?” Allison confirms, and the boys nod at varying degrees of certainty. “Well, that’s a big step forward.”
“I think he just doesn’t like us meddling. It’s not about Vanya, really. He already seems pretty certain that he’ll ask her out eventually.”
“But waiting is boring. Let’s just go to Vanya and give her a love letter and say it’s from Five. Allison, you can copy his handwriting, yes?”
“Of course I can,” she says confidently, then bites her lip. Is that from a movie? “But is that right? Seems… disingenuous.”
“He’s already super pissed at us.” Klaus waves a hand. “What’s one more grievance?”
“Where did you even learn the word grievance?” Ben asks quietly, and Klaus pouts.
“I think we’re getting off track,” Allison says tiredly. “Should we recruit the others?”
“No, Luther gets way too nervous about secrets around Dad and Diego is more likely to try and sabotage us if we let him in on it,” Ben points out. Allison nods. She thought as much.
“All right. So… a letter?”
…
“They’re doing what?”
“Trying to set us up,” Five repeats, pacing angrily. “They think I’m pining for you and they plan to orchestrate an elaborate scheme to make me confess.”
Vanya’s mouth is open, and she can’t think of what to say. “I… see.”
He whirls around, still mad. “Can you believe them? The gall, the utter indignity!”
Vanya frowns, trying to not let her feelings be wounded. “What’s so wrong with them thinking you have a crush on me, exactly?” Because he’s ashamed of her? Because she’s ordinary?
“Well for one thing, apparently there’s a big chance you don’t feel the same way,” he says, so frustratedly that she almost laughs, the anxieties sinking as quickly as they’d risen. Aw. He’s really offended by this. “And who do they think they are, meddling in our love lives? Do they think I’m incapable of admitting how I feel without their help? Because—”
“Five,” Vanya says.
“—I managed just fine without them before, and—”
“Five.”
“What?”
She taps a knuckle on his forehead. “Calm down.”
Five scowls at the floor. “I’m calm.”
She makes a noise of non-commitment. “You wanna try that again?”
“I’m calm,” he says again, quieter.
Alright. “You do remember that we are already together, yes?”
“I know that.”
“And you know I like you very much?”
He grumbles, “Yeah, I know.”
Vanya can’t help but put her arms around him and tug him close, feeling him drop his head onto her shoulder, still angry but relenting. “I don’t think this whole thing is as bad as you think,” she says gently. “They are doing it with good intentions, even if they are being nosy. But I just think it’s really funny.”
He pulls away and squints at her. “You do.”
“Yes.” She smiles. “What could be funnier than watching them fumble around and act out half-baked plans, completely ignorant to the fact that their efforts are for nothing?”
A grin breaks out onto his face, and she relaxes. “Vanya, you’re a genius.”
Suddenly her face goes hot. “Well, no—”
“You’re an evil genius,” he declares loudly, sounding delighted, and grins at her with pride.
“No, no I’m definitely not—"
He talks over her denials, laughing, and starts pacing around again, this time with a kind of sadistic excitement. She folds her arms and watches him softly. “You’re absolutely right. It’s so much more hilarious to just let them think they’re doing something.” He whirls around. “Vanya.”
“Yes,” she says, giving up and giggling at his expression. All right. Maybe he is rubbing off on her – what a pair they are.
“This is going to be so fucking funny.”