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Yeonjun was losing his mind. He was just so bored all of the time. Being the heir to a fortune and a company meant that he didn’t have to do much each day. He attended board meetings that he didn’t care about, and went to dance classes three days a week but that was it. He would’ve loved to attend dance class every day, but his father forbade it. It was difficult enough for him to accept that Yeonjun had no interest in the family company, allowing him to dedicate his life to something entirely different was crossing the line.
And Yeonjun didn’t want to be cut off, so he grit his teeth and dealt with it. He had numerous hobbies, shopped without buying anything, visited museums and tourist sites, and hung out with his small group of friends.
He supposed things were a little less boring now that he had Soobin to do all of those things with. The boy enjoyed the same activities as Yeonjun, further supporting Yeonjun’s theory that the boy was made specifically for him. It was only a few weeks into the new year, and their relationship was still fresh, but Yeonjun was happy. He was happy, and that was something he wasn’t used to.
The boredom was much easier to deal with when he was also happy. When he wasn’t happy…it was a different story. It was hard for him to explain.
That’s how it went with his emotions. They ran rapidly through him, changing quickly and without warning, not enough that anyone around him noticed, but enough that it sent his thoughts flying out the window. It was often difficult for him to articulate what he was feeling in any given moment, and that’s why he had his rules. And why Soobin unknowingly breaking all of them was really fucking with his head.
He tried not to worry about it. He also tried not to worry about the fact that Soobin still didn’t know the full truth about who Yeonjun was and where he came from. Yeonjun was scared that it would turn Soobin off to him, and then he would lose him. He knew that keeping the whole truth a secret would ultimately blow up in his face, but he was determined not to let that happen. He just need a little more time to figure out how exactly he was going to tell Soobin he was a—.
No.
He wouldn’t say the name. It disgusted him. He didn’t want to be tied to that association, and so he never spoke the term and his friends knew better than to mention it.
There was no rational reason why he thought Soobin would reject him once he knew the truth, but Yeonjun’s mind made it hard to ignore the irrational thoughts that swept through his consciousness. He hadn’t talked about it to anyone, not even his closest friend Choi Beomgyu. He pushed his fears down in favour of enjoying his time with Soobin while he had it.
Only.
He didn’t have that much time with Soobin.
Because Soobin, beautiful and kind and brilliant Soobin, hardly had any free time. He was enrolled full time at the university and when he wasn’t in class or studying he was working part-time at the campus library. Which meant that Yeonjun couldn’t even visit because he wasn’t a student. It frustrated the elder but he also would never ask Soobin to sacrifice any part of his education for Yeonjun’s benefit.
The younger still found ample amounts of time to be with Yeonjun, usually spending the night to maximise their time together. And the thing was, some nights they didn’t even have sex. It was something unfathomable to Yeonjun before meeting Soobin. He couldn’t picture himself simply sharing a space with someone, not speaking, just enjoying each other’s presence. Not that that’s what they did.
They watched animes, cooked together, played games, and stayed up late talking. Yeonjun knew so much about Soobin, about his childhood and his goals and his interests and his fears. And what did Soobin get in return? Vague allusions and non-answers about most of Yeonjun’s life. And it’s not that Yeonjun didn’t want to tell him anything. He wanted to tell him everything.
It’s just. He’d never done that. His walls weren’t made of brick and mortar. They were made of steel, and the idea of having someone penetrate them…was terrifying. But as each day passed and Yeonjun’s erratic feelings grew more attracted to Soobin, it was getting harder not to talk about what he had experienced so far in life.
It had been a week since the last time Soobin had come over and Yeonjun was about to break into the college dormitories. He wasn’t desperate he was just needy. He supposed he’d always been needy, but he hadn’t had anyone to cater to his needs before Soobin, so now…he was extra needy.
Sue him, he liked being held and cuddled and treated like royalty. And not that kind of royalty that he supposedly was. That kind of royalty could fuck off and die as far as he was concerned.
He paced his apartment, sweaty from his workout, phone in hand. It was early morning, so there was very little chance that Soobin would be free. He decided to text him anyway.
To: Soobinie
hi baby. are you free?
After sending the text he went to the shower, figuring it would be a good idea to clean himself even if he ended up not going anywhere. He washed his hair and his body, taking extra time with his skincare routine, and then stepped out. He towelled off and grabbed his phone as he went to his closet.
Soobin had texted back, but Yeonjun saw the sad face emojis first and therefore knew it wouldn’t be good news. He sighed as he stood in his closet and opened the text fully.
From: Soobinie
Hi, hyung! I’m really sorry but I’m not. I have a career shadow event so I have to go all the way down to Gangnam and shadow some corporate robots for five hours all in the name of “education”. Tomorrow, maybe?
Yeonjun furrowed his brows at the activity Soobin had to participate in. Sounded awful. He once again was grateful that all he had to do after high school was a few business courses. Not that he remembered anything he was taught. He did his best not let the bubbling sadness overflow, and he punched back a reply that it was okay and his door would be unlocked tomorrow evening.
He got dressed then, resolving to go ahead and meet with his father like he’d been meaning to for a couple weeks. And by ‘meaning to’ he had been actively avoiding it. Why spend time with his stickler father when he could be with Soobin or doing literally anything else.
It wasn’t out of fatherly sentiment that Yeonjun was asked to visit. It was more to update him on the timeline of his succession, something he cared little about. But again, he didn’t want to be cut off, so he laced his shoes and had his chauffeur circle around to the front.
When he got to his father’s skyscraper he did his best not to roll his eyes. He had a reputation to maintain. Nobody knew he didn’t want to be CEO. It was all part of the façade he put up to the outside world. The version of himself that shielded his true form, which was something that he revealed to very few. Those two sides of him didn’t help with his already weak mental state. Maintaining two personas was exhausting, to say the least. Hence why he refrained from visiting that often.
He rode up the elevator after bowing politely to those he saw in the lobby. He exhaled through his mouth in a whistle as he climbed higher and higher.
When the doors dinged open, Yeonjun swept out, feeling the small burst of power that one gets when looking out of the top floor of a skyscraper. Seoul really did look beautiful from up here. He bowed to his father’s secretary, winked at his assistant, and then came to a complete stop as he saw a group of unrecognisable people surrounding his father’s office.
“Um,” he said, looking at his father’s secretary. “Yuki-ssi, who are they?” Yuki looked over her shoulder, before smiling brightly at Yeonjun. “Those are visiting university students, Yeonjun-ssi,” she supplied. Yeonjun felt his heart drop.
He forced a smile at Yuki, and then looked back at the group. He didn’t know what to do. He supposed he should have called, made sure his father had time in the day to see him. If he had, maybe he’d have known then that there was a university-sponsored event happening. And that Yeonjun’s new, innocently oblivious boyfriend was a part of it.
Oh. Fuck.
Yeonjun had resolved to turn around and leave before anyone noticed him, but then his father opened his office door and the first person in his line of sight was none other than his son.
“My son!” he shouted, voice booming across the entire floor. Suddenly, seven pairs of eyes were on him and Yeonjun was so fucked. He could see Soobin without looking directly at him. He stood the tallest among them all, and his mouth was dropped open. Yeonjun didn’t want to see the look in his eyes. He swallowed, smiling weakly at his father who came up and smiled widely. Yeonjun bowed like he was supposed to, and his father wrapped an arm around his shoulder and walked him right up to the group of students.
Yeonjun could feel Soobin’s eyes burning into him, but he avoided his gaze, focusing instead on a point over another student’s head. “This is my son, who is currently in training to take over for me in five years’ time,” his father said.
Well. There it was. One of his biggest secrets. That he was a chaebol. Something he never asked to be and never wanted to be. And now the one person in the world who didn’t treat him differently because he didn’t know, knew. Yeonjun wasn’t sure if anything was going to remain the same. As he stood there, letting his father boast about him, he felt his feelings building up inside of him, nameless emotions that clouded his brain and muddled his thoughts.
He didn’t even realise he’d been dismissed until he was in the elevator, having dissociated that much. He shook out his hair, blinking fast and trying to focus on what was happening. His heart was pounding almost painfully in his chest, and he felt tears start to drip down his cheeks.
Soobin was going to break up with him. He was going to be so hurt by Yeonjun’s lie—and rightfully so. Yeonjun didn’t deserve his kindness or his forgiveness. He had kept this part of himself hidden away for the most selfish of reasons and now he had to face the consequences.
He didn’t remember how he got home, but once he was there, he drank some water, and crawled right into bed.
Knock, knock, knock.
That was the fourth time the knocking had occurred and Yeonjun was fed up. He groaned from where he was curled up in bed, and forced himself to sit up. He pushed the blankets aside and stood shakily, rubbing his eyes as he walked out to the foyer. He felt a little better physically after sleeping, but still weighed down by heavy emotions he had no name for. He knew he must look a mess, but he didn’t care as he opened the door.
Only then he saw Soobin, and everything that sleep had cured came back twice as hard. The boy stood in the doorway, holding the strap of his backpack with two hands, his expression heart-breaking.
Yeonjun paled, palms instantly sweating as he locked eyes with the boy. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to think. They stared at each other in silence, all of the unspoken words hanging in the air between them, and Yeonjun braced himself. This was it. The end of his short-lived but beautiful relationship with Choi Soobin.
“Why?”
A single word. That’s all Soobin needed to cause Yeonjun to break. The elder didn’t even think as he answered completely and unabashedly honestly.
“Because I don’t w-want to be that person.”
He heard his words as if he someone else was saying them. He didn’t feel like himself. He tried to focus on the feel of the floor under his feet, pushing up against them. The feel of his hand around the doorknob. They helped ground him a little, but the thing that worked the most was looking at Soobin. Because Soobin was looking back at him and that meant he was real.
“Can I come in?”
Four more words. Yeonjun gulped, nodding and stepping aside. Soobin ducked his head as he walked in, dropping his bag by the entry table. He turned then, and they were back to staring at each other and Yeonjun didn’t know if he could do this.
“I—,” he started to say, before Soobin crossed the distance between them and pulled Yeonjun into a hug. Yeonjun’s eyes widened as Soobin’s arms wrapped around him tightly and securely, making Yeonjun feel more grounded than ever before.
He promptly burst into tears.
Soobin didn’t bat an eye as the elder broke in his arms, agonised cries muffled as the younger coaxed the elder’s head onto his shoulder. He moved them until they were sitting on the couch, and then Soobin went the extra mile and gathered Yeonjun up onto his lap. Yeonjun curled into him immediately, his cries quieting as Soobin ran his hand through his hair soothingly.
“Shh, I’m not mad, hyung,” the younger whispered. Yeonjun sniffled, lifting his head and looking at Soobin in confusion. He looked horrific, eyes red and puffy, cheeks wet with tears. But Soobin only continued to stroke his hair, gazing back with worry. “You a-aren’t?” Yeonjun asked, breathing harshly, sharp and uneven breaths.
Soobin shook his head, pulling the elder closer. “I’m a little sad that you felt you couldn’t tell me, but I’m not mad,” he elaborated. Yeonjun sat up a bit more, wiping his eyes as he shook his head too. “I wanted to t-tell you,” he assured. “I just didn’t know h-how.” He blinked back more tears, a small part of him glad that he was too overwhelmed to care about Soobin seeing him in such a state.
The younger hummed, wiping away some of Yeonjun’s tears, and then pulling him back so Yeonjun could rest against him. “It certainly answered all of my questions, you being a ch—.”
“Please don’t say it,” Yeonjun whispered, curling his hand into a fist. “What?” Soobin asked. Yeonjun took a shaky breath, lifting his chin to look his boyfriend in the eye. “What I am. Please don’t say it.”
Soobin peered back at him, before nodding, cupping Yeonjun’s jaw, thumb stroking over his cheekbone. Yeonjun’s eyes fluttered shut, his brain silencing a little. Unfortunately, a person couldn’t cure whatever it was that plagued Yeonjun’s mind and made it hard for him to understand his emotions, but Soobin definitely helped distract him.
He leaned back to rest against the taller’s chest, his breathing still slightly erratic but slowing. Soobin didn’t ask any other questions or say anything else for a long while, so long that Yeonjun was pretty sure he fell asleep at some point. He came to in his bedroom, still wrapped up against Soobin. The boy was awake, and as soon as Yeonjun shifted his eyes snapped to meet his.
“You’re still here,” Yeonjun said, voice hoarse. He coughed a few times, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. Soobin closed the book he must have been reading and sat up too, facing Yeonjun. “Do you want me to leave?” he asked, hesitant. Yeonjun instantly shook his head, grabbing Soobin’s hand for extra measure. “No! I’m r-really glad you stayed,” he replied.
Soobin blushed a little, before looking down at their hands, running his thumb over Yeonjun’s knuckles. “We should talk,” he murmured. Yeonjun tensed a bit, but nodded, knowing Soobin was right. It wasn’t going to be the best conversation of his life, but Soobin was still here and that meant something.
They both sat up a little, leaning against the headboard. Yeonjun fiddled with his fingers, chewing his lip. He didn’t know if Soobin wanted an explanation or some sort of backstory, but he wasn’t sure if he would be able to get through any lengthy sort of discussion. Soobin appeared to detect this though, and moved closer, sliding an arm behind Yeonjun’s back, curling his hand around his waist. “I don’t need to know everything. I just need to know that you’re okay,” he said softly.
Yeonjun stared at him, a little in awe at how much the boy cared. Nobody had ever cared that much before. It made Yeonjun want to tell him everything. But it was so nice to know that he didn’t have to. That he could when he was ready. And he wasn’t sure he was ready yet.
Soon, but not yet.
And so, he smiled a bit and nodded, leaning into Soobin’s side. “I’m…,” he trailed off. He didn’t want to lie again. If he wanted his relationship with Soobin to prosper, he had to be honest even if it made him uncomfortable. Soobin had already proven that he wouldn’t leave without at least giving Yeonjun a chance to explain himself.
“I’m not okay, not right now,” he admitted. The words felt foreign on his tongue, as he had never said them out loud. He didn’t look at Soobin, he couldn’t. But the boy’s arm tightened around Yeonjun’s waist and it was comforting. The elder took a deep breath. “But I’m going to be okay, I promise.” He lifted his head then, smiling gently at Soobin, who only looked back at him in worry.
Yeonjun didn’t want him to worry, so he reached up and smoothed the worry creases in his forehead with his thumb. “You make me so happy, Soobin,” he whispered. Soobin blushed just the faintest bit, eyes flickering down for a second before meeting Yeonjun’s again. “You make me happier than anyone else, hyung,” he breathed.
It was a very emotional moment, and so before Yeonjun’s mind could get too confused by it, he leaned forward and kissed Soobin. It didn’t silence his mind, only distracted it, but it was enough for now. Soobin kissed back sweetly, cupping Yeonjun’s jaw and angling his head to make it more comfortable. Their lips danced together for a few moments, and Yeonjun wished that it would go on forever.
He wished he could drown in it.