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Everyone knew nothing was permanent and made to stay, things were breakable and changed like the moving of the tides hardly visible through the misty skies of life.
That didn’t mean that humanity didn’t hope and pray for change, for small miracles to take away the pain for just a day longer. They would bargain if it gave them a fraction more time walking this plain.
Some people’s wishes are heard and ignored; others get their extra days in the sun but either way it ends in darkness and coldness.
Levi knew this more than a normal person should, he had looked death in the eyes more times than he could count; no normal human should know the look and feel of death as often as he did. People were meant to cuddle close to their loved ones, enjoy their company and laze around on days until the cold grip of death came to drag them away from their warm days.
Levi didn’t get that luxury; each day was a rare gift that was snatched from under the tree as quickly as it was given.
This months new challenge had been even more testing to the scout - Erwin had described it was a war but Levi honestly hadn’t been prepared, he didn’t think many of them had been really.
Levi had watched a majority of Mike’s squad and Hange’s been destroyed by the titans, each battle had its cost of lives but Levi had never seen so much bloodshed in one day - almost every friendly face he had met over the course of his time here had been destroyed in a blink.
Erwin had taken it as well as he could, he was locked away discussing tactics, Hange was probably in their lab with Moblit discussing god knows what and Levi couldn’t even begin to guess where Mike was hiding out although he was probably with Nanaba.
Levi sunk himself down onto his bed having retired straight to his dorm, the window was cast as wide as possible the thin lace curtains fluttering in the slight breeze that dared enter the room. His eyes were gazing at the candle flickering and sputtering on the table beside his bed, it was as fragile as their lives really, one gust of wind and it was gone.
The room itself wasn’t much different from when he first joined the scouts, although it was two souls less, a large empty hole remaining where his two remaining family members had been.
Levi understood death more than others, but this didn’t mean he allowed himself to wallow in his own self pity.
Reaching for the bedside table he ripped the draw open to grab the bandages inside and a bottle of alcohol. Rolling the bandages out Levi began to examine the wound on his leg.
It was a nasty little thing, blood oozing from the broken skin, it wasn’t really deep or life threatening but it was a large reminder of what had happened today; Levi gave a drop of blood compared to the lives of thousands.
“Can I come in?”
Levi almost jumped off the bed in his surprise at the voice, he turned sharply to see Erwin Smith filling the doorframe, he looked tired Levi noted. His usually sharp hair almost seemed as deflated as himself, he didn’t hold the same poise that Erwin usually did when arriving in the doorway of Levi’s room; not that it happened often.
“You’re already in.” Levi snorted.
“How are you feeling?”
Levi blinked.
“Excuse me?”
“How are you feeling?”
“What is this?” Levi asked scowling at him, “a therapy session? No offence Erwin but you need them as much as I do.”
Erwin gave a dry laugh and sank down on the bed next to him.
“No, I was just doing the rounds checking on the soldiers so I-“
“You should be with Mike or Hange, they both lost a lot more than I did.” Levi said quickly.
“Perhaps, but we all deal with death in our own ways.” Erwin said taking the bandages from the bed beside him and rolling them between his fingers. “This may not be much but I do hope if you ever need me you will come to me.”
“What do you mean?” Levi asked carefully watching the man beside him.
“Not as your superior.” Erwin said slowly reaching down to take the injured skin between his hands; they were soft Levi noticed. “But as a friend.”
“That’s a bold thing to say.” Levi whispered as the bandages were wrapped gently around the wounded skin.
“Perhaps.” Erwin mumbled, “you shouldn’t keep injuries a secret like this - you aren’t alone in this Levi, you know this.”
“But people suffered much worse-“
"And they will suffer even worse than hell but you can’t keep these things locked away in here.” Erwin said softly, “you aren’t alone here. Come to me, I’ll be here for you I promise.”
-
Levi awoke to the sound of thunder and rain hammering down against the windows.
As if testing the waters, he rolled his ankle against the sheets and sighed when he felt no sting of pain; it was a dream.
More a memory really.
He turned his gaze towards the candle long since gone out beside his bed, not much had changed since then except the grip of death got ever closer and the hole in his chest got much wider.
Levi sighed into the night air as he watched the rain pour against the window; it was calming in an odd way - did other people feel like this?
Levi knew he would not get back to sleep now, he slept so little he wondered how he didn’t just drop to the floor sometimes.
“A walk.” He said to the night air.
Donning his jacket Levi made his way through the almost silent base; the base was never truly silent or asleep and Levi knew this the most from his midnight walks. There was a light on in the stable, a cadet brushing their horse into the early hours, a single candle in the dinning room while someone poured over letters from their parents. The shuffling behind the closed doors of scouts trying to catch any moments of blissful sleep as they could.
Levi’s footsteps seemed awfully loud as he made his way across the courtyard, his eyes were drawn automatically to one of the highest rooms in the building; the candle was flickering even at this hour and Levi knew that the blonde haired commander would be sat at his desk pouring over letters.
The other windows beside this where pitch black, the rooms of the other high officers such as Hange and Mike, they were obviously asleep or elsewhere at this time.
The group of ‘veterans’ as they had long since been dubbed had grown closer since half of their squads had been wiped out almost a year ago; Levi never thought he would get closer to the group, he may even now consider them a family.
The candle spluttered out in the window and Levi knew Erwin had finally retired and in that moment Levi truly felt the coldness of the still night air.
Alone.
“Good evening captain.”
Levi turned to look at the voice echoing across the court yard, it was a younger scout who saluted him slightly before making their way back inside the main building, Levi sighed watching his breath swirl into the air disappearing.
He should head back to bed, that would be the logical thing to do, there were more meetings, more letters, more training but Levi knew sleep would always dance out of his grip.
This was how Levi found himself wandering through the senior rank offices, he knew it would be mostly empty at this hour and that was what he needed - silence.
“Levi?”
The voice cut through the silence like a knife and Levi jumped out of his skin turning to look at the doorway that had opened on his left.
Mike stood there gazing at him with a tired expression, the candle in the room was sputtering almost dying in the evening but Mike’s eyes looked alert and awake.
“Sorry, did I wake you?” Levi said his voice hardly above a whisper.
“no.” Mike said shaking his head, “but, what are you doing here?”
It wasn’t accusing more curious - Mike had seen Levi wandering the grounds often into the early hours of the morning, and very rarely would Levi wander into the senior rooms.
“Just walking.” Levi breathed out avoiding his gaze.
“Can’t sleep?”
“Never can.” Levi said with a breathy laugh turning to look at mike, “you should head back to bed…”
Mike gave a small nod and went to move back into the room, “don’t stay out too late.”
Levi laughed as the door clicked shut gently and he made his way along the dark corridor.
Erwin had offered Levi the spare room next to Mike’s room when he was promoted to captain, Levi had turned it down for the simple fact that Levi didn’t really require a place to sleep - for he hardly ever did. Levi wondered if the titans were the cause or his childhood, the threat of death hanging above you be it a gang or disease.
He stopped outside the heavy wooden door for a second as his hand brushed the iron door handles.
He didn’t bother to knock simply turned the handle and pushed the heavy doors open to the empty dark office.
The heavy wooden desk stood in the centre, the chair empty and candle still smoking; papers were pilled up neatly in piles that the owner understood, in the corner was a soft leather sofa that Levi made his way over too and gently sat down on the soft leather; he stretched his legs out in front of him as he gazed around the room.
He felt like this fit his definition of home a lot more than the underground or his own bedroom; it smelt of home, the plush leather, it felt warm and comforting.
“Levi? I thought I heard you here.”
“did I wake you?”
“I wasn’t asleep.”
Erwin stood In the doorway his features tired but his eyes awake, he held a cup in his hand and made his way over to the chair behind the desk studying the smaller man on the sofa.
“Couldn’t sleep again?” Erwin asked as if Levi slept a normal pattern. “No.” Levi sighed scrubbing a hand down his face, “I’d be lying if I said It wasn’t a nightmare this time that woke me.”
Erwin hummed in understanding taking a sip from his drink and placing it back down on the desk, he gestured at the cup to Levi offering him a drink but Levi shuck his head sinking back into the leather.
“What happened?” Erwin asked softly.
“Death.” Levi replied shortly.
Erwin nodded tipping the mug back before rising to his feet and gesturing to Levi;
“Are you coming?” Erwin said.
Levi stretched his legs out and pulled himself up following Erwin into the side room without any hesitation.
The first time he had done this was years ago, Erwin had welcomed the lost looking smaller man into the safety of his office and several drinks of strong whiskey later had the pair curled up in his private room - the fire crackling had lulled Levi into an odd kind of sleep.
And the room looked the same now, the fire crackled away in the hearth and the bed looked as soft and as inviting as ever.
“Your bed is always way too soft.” Levi complained as the pair moved under the thin sheets and Levi elbowed the pillows.
“So you’ve said.” Erwin laughed. “Try to rest.”
Levi hummed slightly and fell silent listening to the steady breathing of Erwin’s breathing beside him, Levi found it oddly comforting to listen to the steady rise and fall of the man beside him.
“Levi?” Erwin whispered, if Levi hadn’t been truly listening he might have missed it. “You know you can always come to me.”
“Hmm.” Levi responded quietly.
“I mean it. I’m here for you.”
Levi felt scarred fingers between his own and for a second he wanted to pull away automatically, his eyes snapped to Erwin’s blue ones that starred back at him. For a second he wanted to run away, terrified, but the calmness in front of him made his fingers relax and melt around the older mans.
“Ok…”
-
“Can I be honest?” Levi whispered one night after a rather gruelling battle.
The female titan had wiped out his entire squad, Erwin had never seen Levi look so lost since he lost Isabel and Farlan, the bags under his eyes stretched further and the glittering light in his eyes had been snuffed out completely.
“Of course.” Erwin said offering Levi a glass of amber liquid.
“I am terrified.”
Erwin paused his eyes locked onto Levi’s; “of what?” He asked slowly.
“This.” Levi said gesturing, “not the titans” he clarified quickly. “Us.”
“Right.” Erwin said slowly not completely understanding.
“Relationships…”
Erwin’s eyes grew wide.
“I… Where do we go from here?” Levi asked slowly, “it’s all so new and scary, relationships… and what comes with that.”
“I understand.” Erwin said slowly, “but we’ll go at what suits you Levi, we can stay at this moment forever or go further.”
“I dont think … I want too.” Levi admitted his gaze fixed on a notch on the desk.
“Then that is fine.” Erwin said pushing the glass into Levi’s hand with a smile. “I’m always here for you.”
That’s how Levi found himself in Erwin’s bed more and more often, almost every night listening to the breathing of the man beside him.
When Mike went missing and Erwin hiccuped his way to sleep with the steady hushing of Levi.
When Nanaba died and Erwin’s gaze seemed ever more so empty and Levi pulled the man into the sheets holding him closer.
“One day I wont be here.” Erwin said one night breaking the silence. Levi tensed.
“Erwin-“
“One day I won’t and I want you to know how much you mean to me.”
“Don’t.” Levi said turning his head slightly. “Please don’t do this to me.”
“Levi we must be honest with ourselves-“
“Not now.” Levi said turning over to face Erwin pressing his forehead against his. “Not now.”
-
Levi gazed down into the court yard, the mood was somber, depressing.
Scouts walked back and forth from the stables and out buildings, the sun shone bright across the sky and Levi wished he could turn it off to nighttime already - stare up at the moon and pretend everything would be alright in the morning.
The office was so silent now, there was no fire in the hearth, the candle was long since cold.
Levi turned to examine the office one more time, the unfinished papers, the clothes still laid out.
“You said I’d never be alone.” Levi said to the empty space, “well… where are you now?”
He knew Erwin would not answer him, Erwin would never answer him again.
Levi ran a hand across the door to the private chambers, his hands lingered on the pen on his desk, the leather sofa and the whiskey glasses that still sat there ready to be used and drank from again.
The window stood slightly apart as Erwin liked it and Levi did not have the heart to close it anymore, he watched the curtains flutter in the wind.
“Are you there?” Levi whispered into the wind, his hand found his way to his heart as he listened to the deafening silence.
“I’ll finish it for you.” Levi whispered as he made his way toward the door that left the office, “and when I do I hope you’ll be waiting for me Erwin.”
He turned the handle and pulled the door open, turning his gaze back on the empty office one last time with a dark smile on his face.
“I’m not alone.”
slam.