Chapter Text
in a relationship, a couple generally faces two phases.
the first one is the ascending. it started from the moment you acknowledge your crush to someone, and together with them, you will work your way up. there is only one way to go for this phase: up, up, and up. the whole thing is exhilarating. the knowing each other, the firsts, the exhilaration of seeing each other again and still feel your heart jolt for them.
the second one is the descending. some couples are lucky enough to survive this one, but most end up crashing and burning. nobody walked away unscathed from the blown up carnage of what used to be their relationship.
in this phase, everything would feel wrong. what you saw as an endearing habit of your lover might start to get under your skin, the routines would start to get exhausting, or perhaps the couple stopped being so attached to each other, that they learned how to function without them.
sometimes, love alone couldn’t save you from the choking hold this phase might have over you.
out of a million ways to mark a beginning of a story, soobin’s story begins with an ending.
tucked at the back of a dimly lit bookstore’s storage room, is the couple in question. one of them is wrapped in the shadow of too many sleepless nights and extra working hours, while the other does not look all that better. all tensed muscles and a poor attempt of masking his nervous gait, until the three words finally slip out past his plush lips.
“let’s break up.”
no matter how much soobin has practiced it, there is no preparing him for the way beomgyu’s smile faded away from his tired eyes. his lips move soundlessly. the lips soobin loved the most. they part briefly as if he is about to counter, but stops at the last second to press together in a thin line, concealing a subtle trembling of his bottom lip.
“so, this is it,” he says after what felt like a forever of silence. “this is the end.”
it feels more real the moment beomgyu voices it, and even more palpable in the air between them when soobin has to confirm it. a guillotine’s blade. ready to finalize a death sentence.
“yeah.”
“but—“ beomgyu starts talking, only to be interrupted as the familiar voice of his manager calls out to him from the front desk. he curses under his breath, taking a glance behind him before looking back at soobin again. his eyes are helpless for a split second, but it might just be soobin’s mind trying to fool him into believing that there are some feelings left between them.
“it’s okay, gyu. they need you, i told you it’d only take a minute anyway.”
there is a look of pain crossing beomgyu’s eyes. it must be the implication of they need you, and i don’t that caught him for a second before his gaze hardened again.
“can you wait for me? i’ll just see what they need and—“he inhales deeply when his name is called again, throwing a sharp look at the elder, demanding. “just wait for me, please.”
he leaves the storage room afterwards, for way too long that soobin feels like he’s overstaying his welcome. he ventures out of the library, opting to wait in the alley behind the library, with the autumn wind beating his cheeks and seeping into his bones. it’s good that he already numbs himself from feelings before he came to beomgyu; apparently it applies to protecting himself from the chill air as well.
“i don’t want to break up,” beomgyu’s words come to him before he notices his boyfriend marching towards him, a look of panic in his face now. he must have thought that soobin left. except soobin never left.
even after too many times thinking of leaving this relationship, he stayed. so he could stay for beomgyu for a little longer.
but he couldn’t stay in a one-person relationship forever.
the signs were always there, an elephant in the room that he ignored.
“beomgyu.”
“i get that i’ve been a bad boyfriend for a while, it’s all my fault and i’m not saying i’d be more available to you after this, but please…” his words float in the air. unfinished as beomgyu’s breath hitched.
soobin finished it in his head for him.
please don’t give up on me.
“you’ve seen this coming, huh?” soobin sighs, running his fingers through his own hair. “so you must have felt that we haven’t really been in a relationship for the past few weeks.”
beomgyu bites down on his lower lip. “i know. it’s all on me, but i can fix it.”
“what’s left for us to hold onto, beomgyu?”
“a break. let’s take a break, hyung,” beomgyu pleads, desperation dripping from his voice though he tries to sound firm and demanding, almost like he is giving an ultimatum. “if you really think that you don’t want me anymore after a week, then i’ll accept it.”
but soobin knows beomgyu like he knows the back of his hand, at least the surface of it. beomgyu always tries to look strong, never let anyone have a peek into the vulnerable side he locks behind a wall of his cheerful and loud façade. he always keeps everyone at an arm length from his emotions. sometimes, that everyone includes soobin.
“we’ve taken more than a week of break.”
soobin scoffs, and beomgyu looks pissed off for a split second. angry tears bloom into his eyes, ready to burst. it is channelled in the demand that he gave shortly after. the shakiness in his voice is retained by a particularly sharp bite to his own lip that left a bleeding mark.
“just. if you’ve ever loved me all this time, can you grant me this last wish?”
soobin can’t say no.
he can never say no to the broken look in beomgyu’s eyes. not when all he wants to do is to take the younger in his arms and assure him that no, there is no way i’d give up on you . because getting over someone doesn’t come with just a sentence of ‘let’s break up’. it is a start.
one week won’t make any difference.
==
there is a belief that when someone dies, they will have their memories of the lifetime displayed before their eyes in a quick flash of camera rolls.
for beomgyu, it applies to the end of his relationship, too. the highlights of their two years of relationship. in the few seconds of suffocating silence that settled between them after soobin asked for a break up, all of their memories flashed across the back of beomgyu’s eyelids.
it became the beginning of beomgyu’s story.
the beginning of the first phase was marked by an accidental bite of tongue and a loud crash.
beomgyu winced at the sound, but mostly for the aftermath of the shock that makes him bite down on his tongue. as if he hadn’t been crying enough, another drop of tear slips past his scrunched eyes from the sting. it would’ve been nice if he was left in peace afterwards to resume his crying session, but he couldn’t even be left on his own to think about his problems.
the sound of the crash came from this idiot who biked past him and couldn’t keep his eyes on the road long enough to not crash into an innocent trash can.
the guy was sitting on his butt, not making any attempt to get up even with some students laughing as they passed by. it might have something to do with how the fancy chain from his black jeans was tangled with a part of his bike. how that happened, beomgyu did not even want to imagine.
he only knew that he didn’t want to sit there while the guy was complaining and cursing under his breath. so he got up from the bench, brushing the remnants of tears from his face with the sleeves of his sweater, and swallowed up his pride as he walked over to help him.
that moment the idiot stranger looked up into his eyes, beomgyu knew that it was the start of something .
his nimble fingers worked on untangling the accessories, setting it free in under a minute. throughout the whole thing, he felt an intense stare on him.
or maybe it’s just in his head, since he thought this guy looked intimidating.
“so pink,” that’s the first time he heard the latter speak, making him flinch before looking up to catch his gaze with a confused one. “your lips. they are so pink.”
beomgyu had watched a lot of tutorial videos on how to socialize in college, read a lot of articles about that too. none of them told him about how to handle a situation in which a random fellow student paid this much attention to the way your lips looked.
“thanks, you too,” that ended up being his answer, which made him want to cry again because of how awkward it sounded.
it earned him a laugh. “my name’s choi soobin, by the way. business major. this is my first time seeing you around.”
it was not the first time for beomgyu to see him in the campus. with that pastel blue hair he had currently? it wasn’t so hard to spot him among the new students during the orientation. he also remembered overhearing a disciplinary guy from the council came over to him to ask about his hair color, only for him to have the campus’ code of conduct ready, just to prove that there was no such ridiculous regulation.
choi soobin might look like a calm water at first, but he brought himself in a powerful way. an intimidating persona that would gain anyone’s respect. he’s not the type to back down from something when he knows he’s right.
a type to cause ripples into the quiet college life beomgyu strived to have when he escaped the hell of high school’s political social system. exactly the kind beomgyu had promised himself not to be involved with when he entered this campus on his first day.
but then soobin smiled at him, all gentle and river-calm.
beomgyu broke his rule.
“choi beomgyu, first year art department,” he said.
“well, beomgyu, thank you for helping a damsel in distress,” soobin said, breaking into a soft laughter. it’s the laughter that would be ringing in beomgyu’s head for countless nights after. “though it’s technically your fault that i got distracted.”
he frowned, offended from the blame he’s suddenly getting. “because i was crying?”
“nope, that’s a common sight around here,” soobin got up with a knowing smile, picking up his bike and dusting off some dirt from his pants.
“what is it then?”
he felt a gentle touch on his chin, making him look up so that their eyes were locked together. soobin had his plush lips stretched into a playful smile, and it should’ve made it easier for beomgyu to not take him seriously. except he did.
he let soobin get under his skin, spreading his warmth into his cheeks.
“maybe I will tell you next time.”
soobin left afterwards, talking about how he was late to class already. but beomgyu didn’t catch his words. the only thing he could think about was how soobin found his lips pretty, and that there was a possibility for a next time.
==
despite how their love started off as flying sparks that instantly caught on fire, this kind of love came with a slow descent into the bottom.
nobody told you what waited for you on the bottom when you fell in love. you were not supposed to hit the bottom, but if you did, the painful crash will be inevitable.
their love was burning so brightly in the beginning, way too much fire and too much passion, that it was bound to burn out eventually. now they are left with nothing other than the realization that there’s nothing left other than a small flicker. one that soobin tried to nestle for the past few months.
junior year took a great hit of their relationship. it was the price of a perfect summer holiday they spent together in delusion of a love that would last forever.
when the semester started, they started seeing each other less. beomgyu worked part time at the bookstore three times a week and had to finish all the assignments before his night shift at a café. it was not rare that he fell asleep at the most random time and place.
on the scarce time they would meet, beomgyu sometimes would doze in the middle of a sentence, or in the middle of eating his lunch. often, he would come home when he had some free time between classes or before his shift. and then he would fall asleep there, snuggled up to soobin’s side while he’s working on his assignment, or curled up in his bed if soobin hadn’t gotten back from classes.
their relationship had settled into a quiet, comfortable zone. and it was okay.
it was okay until the silence started to fill up with negative thoughts and doubts. still, soobin couldn’t blame beomgyu for being busy with his work and study. couldn’t blame the boy for being tired all the time and seeking refuge in his boyfriend’s arms.
all those times he came over just to take a short nap before he had to go again, either for his part-time job, club activities, or hangouts. beomgyu was very active, and everyone liked him enough to want him around at any possible time.
with such a bright presence beomgyu had, it was easier for soobin to notice his absence.
it left an empty spot next to him, in his arms, slowly eating away the fullness in his heart from the time they were happy and in love, and had all the time in the world.
once, soobin was beomgyu’s everything.
these days, he wasn’t even worth a space in beomgyu’s schedule anymore.
the first time he addressed it was during a fight, which was fucked up of him. what kind of boyfriend tried to communicate during a fight? it never ended up well.
they fought about silly little things any other day - misplaced things, wrongly recalled trivias, forgotten cleaning turns. the fact that they always ended up rolling around the carpet and making out after those fights had lulled them into a comfortable zone. a dangerous mindset that nothing could ever go wrong between them.
when they actually fought for the first time, it came as a bucket of ice cold water splashed over their faces.
it started the way a storm hit the ocean. the build-up was slow, a fake sense of serenity, as soobin found himself locked out of the apartment one night after throwing out trash. he didn’t bring his phone or keys, and he ended up sleeping at kai’s place. it was just his luck that he knew someone who lived in the same building.
what caused the fuse to blow was beomgyu’s relaxed attitude the following morning.
he had welcomed soobin inside with a cheerful smile on his lips and a nonchalant, drawled “where did you sleep last night? i didn’t know you went for a sleepover,” just before drowsiness took over his visage again as he walked back towards the bedroom without waiting for an answer.
except, soobin had blocked his path then.
“why are you always doing this?” he asked, exhaling an exasperated breath at the way beomgyu just blinked up at him. “acting like everything doesn’t matter. like me being there didn’t matter to you. did you even look for me?”
beomgyu ran his fingers through his tousled hair, fresh out of bed. his voice deep, devoid of the emotions soobin expected to hear from him in this situation. the guilt.
all he could hear was distance. they were miles apart despite standing so close together.
“i was dead asleep. you could’ve borrowed a phone to call me but you were content sleeping with kai anyway.”
“you didn’t wake up after i banged the door for so long, there’s no way you would wake up from a call.”
no one went back to sleep. the initial problem about being locked out of the apartment was forgotten, followed up by unrelated matters being brought up in rising tones. those times soobin would forget to respond to texts, or when beomgyu would fall off radar only to show up at a random instagram post from a party.
they never had an actual fight before, but it turned out that all the problems were just waiting to blow up.
the argument went over the boiling point, until beomgyu threw his hands up in defeat.
“god, you really make it suffocating sometimes. being here!”
“i am suffocating, now?”
“it’s like i’m taking in so much air in this place whenever you look so unhappy around me. you just confirmed everything now when you always said it was fine before this.”
“i’m not unhappy-”
“hyung, i keep pushing and pushing for you to tell me what is wrong, but nothing i did left a crack on those walls you built around you. and then you just exploded with everything. have you always waited for this? for choi beomgyu to fuck up so you can push all the blame on him?”
soobin stared at him, feeling like he was standing there with a stranger in his living room. with intensified emotions bubbling inside him, it was hard to acknowledge a possibility of it being true. so he could only throw questions back.
neither of them had answers, but they had every weapon they needed to hurt.
and in the end, soobin was the one who delivered the final strike.
“maybe because it feels like living with a ghost? except he keeps saying that he is in love with me, and i believed him.”
tension was all over the air, but this time it grew stronger, so thick in the air that they could slice it with a knife. it was also showing in the way beomgyu’s jaw clenched, set so tightly soobin could hear his teeth clank.
“what, you don’t believe me anymore now?” he sneered, snorting out an incredulous laugh.
disbelief. wanting to prove himself wrong.
except soobin failed him when he said: “i’m starting to wonder.”
the thing they failed to do: they forgot to love each other when they hated each other.
countless times, soobin felt like he lost beomgyu, but that day, it was closer than ever. because all the previous times, he always reached out and found his lover back.
this time, his fingers were grabbing a thin air, stopping before he could touch beomgyu as he watched the male storm away from their shared apartment. it was his turn to find somewhere else to sleep that night.
the next day, beomgyu’s loud laughter greeted him as he entered the campus’ cafeteria. he was always drawn to that voice, after all, just like how beomgyu’s eyes would always find him in the middle of the sea of nameless faces. beomgyu found him again that day, and he had gone back to acting like nothing had happened. not recalling the whole argument consisting of things they meant to say.
soobin thought that beomgyu was always the best at faking his feelings, but now that he had space to wonder. he wondered about everything.
all this time, he had always thought that beomgyu looked the prettiest when he was in love with soobin; eyes twinkling and smiles colouring his lips. that day he watched beomgyu from a distance that felt like miles away, he realized that beomgyu shone the brightest when he was not being wrapped inside the arms that were not big enough to contain his ways of love.
==
the promised next time was the first college party beomgyu attended.
he almost left right away after hearing the head-throbbing playlist and noises of people having fun and having the time of their lives. instead, whatever force that worked with the fates made him sit down on the couch and sipped from a solo cup. it tasted sweet like strawberries, but bitter like some unnamed liquor. cheap ones, he figured, since it barely burned down the slide of his throat.
and then there was choi soobin, walking into the place and taking away all the oxygen in the room.
beomgyu’s heart betrayed him as it thumped a beat faster in his chest, until he tore his gaze away and finally joined the floor for a game.
it was only after his second cup of shitty strawberry drink and three game losses that he was back on the couch again. this time, his back was pressed down against the soft cushion while a pair of lips were pressed to his neck.
how did it begin? was it the smile he threw at soobin across the room as their gazes locked?
or maybe it was the moment soobin joined him on the couch, whispering into his ear.
“didn’t think I’d see you here.”
“same goes for you.”
“I’m friends with the person who held the party, what’s your excuse?”
“an ex thing said that I’m boring cause I don’t enjoy this kind of party, but I guess I’m boring.”
“you really had to prove them otherwise?”
“yes.”
and the next second, he found his world tilted, as soobin’s face hovered way too close to his. his gaze momentarily distracted by soobin’s hand that was rested on his hip, slowly sliding up under his jacket and cradling his waist securely. the touch brought fire into his skin.
“you smell so nice. strawberries and peach. i love peach scent.”
beomgyu’s brain short circuited, especially with how close soobin was. he felt the drag of soobin’s nose along his jawline, the soft inhales and accidental brushing of chapped lips against his skin. he had to shut his eyes, as if that would help him swallow down what he felt. the feeling of wants.
want to touch his hair. want to pull on his shirt so he stumbled down and crash against beomgyu. want to press his lips against the other’s plush ones so they stop moving when he talked.
wants.
“the strawberries must be from the drink, though,” he said softly, trying not to give away the tremble in his voice.
“is it?”
“want a taste?”
he wasn’t sure what he expected by saying that, but as soobin lifted his gaze and their eyes locked again, he was sure of what he wanted. soobin did, too. because the next thing he knew, soobin’s lips were pressed against his own and his heart forgot how to beat for a split second.
it left him breathless. his brain was probably deprived of oxygen that he was unable to think properly. all he knew was that he wanted to kiss soobin’s lips forever. wanted the warmth of his body on top of his own. he didn’t even care about them being in a public place anymore. the cheers of their friends’ in their silly game marking the moment their lips met for another kiss.
==
the last few weeks of their relationship were not filled with agonizing fights or spiteful chides. there were only absences.
with the final exams rolling into them in a surge, it was hard to keep up with deadlines, let alone relationships. they were in their senior year and there were just too many things to do and too little hours in the day, that they stopped being each other’s priority.
still, soobin couldn’t help but to feel the hollow space forming in his days.
good morning kisses were replaced by a kiss soobin would usually give to beomgyu’s sleeping face, knowing that his boyfriend liked to pull an all-nighter. typing sounds on the keyboard replaced their late night talks. and eventually, they stopped spending so much time in the apartment – pulling all-nighters with project partners and only coming back for quick showers before they had to attend classes again.
(“just a little more… i promise, no, i’m not overworking myself,” beomgyu said in their obligatory phone call at night, as he was staying at taehyun’s place, working on their shared project.
“okay. will you come home later?”
“i will!” beomgyu said.
he was about to hang up later when beomgyu hurriedly added. “it’s your birthday, after all.”
soobin smiled bitterly, staring at the clock that showed a quarter to twelve am, recalling the previous year when they were in love, and beomgyu was the one who’s more excited to count down to his birthday.
but they were adults, and soobin just had to suck it up.
at least he remembered. it would be enough
spoiler: it wasn’t enough. )
it was just his luck that caused soobin to finish his sets of exams first, that he was stuck in the lonely space, left to his thoughts.
after the fights, came the laughter, then ended with silence.
eventually, it came to the point where soobin got too used to not being with beomgyu and not missing him. he could see that beomgyu tried, but it was not enough, because what used to be a painful night where he missed the presence of beomgyu by his side turned into an okay one, and when he did have beomgyu in his arms, it started to feel foreign.
(“are you okay?” beomgyu questioned one night, as their lips parted from a tender kiss, and soobin was hit with the realization.
“i’m…” i don’t recognize us anymore and that’s not okay . “i’m okay.”
beomgyu frowned, and soobin was relieved that he still felt the ache in his chest from seeing the displeasure in his boyfriend’s face.
he kissed beomgyu’s frown away, and it was cold.)
it’s the kind of feeling when your home doesn’t feel like a home anymore. you left your home for so long that it lost the sense of being home.
and he tried, really, he tried to stay in love with beomgyu.
he tried to still take care of him, he tried to find the excitement over the last few dates that beomgyu spared with him. and that’s when he realized that it was the end.
because the moment you try to be in love with someone, that’s when you know that you are not in love with them.
==
there was a saying that a couple’s honeymoon period ended after their first big fight.
their honeymoon lasted for way too long, that they took it for granted. it dragged on from their first year to their second one. from the winter where their first kiss took place, to the spring that marked most of their firsts – shy beginnings, burning love and passion in summer, and a gentle and warm home in each other’s arms for the autumn.
summer was the peak of a relationship for college students who were not usually privileged for so much free time during the semester.
the first summer ended too quickly, with countless making outs and hickeys and ice cream trips.
on their second summer, they went to a vacation house with their friends. it was with other people that they burned the brightest, among the water splashes at the backyard of the vacation house they rented solely for this reason.
at some point, yeonjun was seething . that’s choi yeonjun for you, always giving back twice as he was given, no matter how positive or negative it was. yeonjun was throwing the water balloons that exploded on their backs, with kai’s high pitched squeals in the background and taehyun who was the only one who could counter the attack with his own water gun.
“i will not stop until there’s no dry spot left on you guys. down to your underwear!” he screamed his threats then.
and soobin. a whole five cm taller than the eldest, kept on trying to hide behind beomgyu’s back throughout the whole raging session. and in the end, he just ended up scooping beomgyu into his arms and used him as a shield while yeonjun sprayed cold water towards them with the hose.
laughter and screams filled the place, but beomgyu’s was the loudest. with a spluttered “fuck!” that came out too loud when the cold water splashed straight onto his face .
beomgyu felt the hold loosened around his waist, and he was already turned around to meet soobin’s amused face the next time he had his eyes open. blinking the water drops away from his eyelashes.
“foul words, baby. you owe the swear jar five thousand won.”
ah right. that swear jar they started for fun and remained half-empty since neither of them slipped cuss words that often.
“well, there’s no jar here so let’s just forget.”
but soobin. he had 101 ways to take his breath away. this time, it came in the way he cupped beomgyu’s cheeks and pressed a kiss to his mouth. a searing one, replacing the coldness from wind beating their wet clothes and leaving him gasping for air by the end of it.
he registered the voices of their friends booing them, complaining about public display of affections and declaring that the fun was over. beomgyu was too busy trying not to melt into one of the water puddles.
he was aching all over from the kiss alone. but it was mostly his heart that ached, filled with longing and absolute lovesickness for his boyfriend.
later that night, the five of them came back out again in the backyard, talking over the sizzling meat and drinking soju beer. there was a lot of laughter. a lot of memories to recall years after.
among the noises of laughters and clinking glasses, there was a tender stare. beomgyu caught a pair of eyes following his every movement as he was talking to taehyun about his wisdom teeth experience. which was weird, because soobin have heard his story three times already.
later on as they were alone in their little corner again, beomgyu asked why soobin stared at him so much.
soobin looked at him like the question was silly. like the answer should’ve been obvious.
“i’m memorizing you. every little thing about you, from the way you blink to the way your eyes shine when you’re excited, i want to imprint them all in the depth of my mind.”
the answer still left beomgyu baffled, though it couldn’t hinder more heat from spreading across his alcohol heated cheeks nonetheless. “what for? you can just keep looking at me when you want a reminder.”
there it was again, the look that made him feel like he was silly for asking. but soobin was gentle as he kissed the rest of his questions away from his lips.
“just because.”
beomgyu should’ve known then, that the concept of forever does not actually exist forever. it stays in happy moments, such as when you are in love, or when you actually have something to lose. that’s why only happy people believe in forever.
beomgyu should’ve known that soobin would be preparing for a day where they finally lost the privilege to be with each other.
he should’ve known then. he should’ve…
==
their second honeymoon period happened briefly when they tried to rekindle their relationship, that moment they both noticed that something was terribly wrong. this was the moment their problems went dormant, but not gone.
“because you never talk! you never said what’s bothering you and then you pull dramatic shits like this, hyung.”
they were in the middle of another fight when soobin shut down, proving the other right.
it was always the same problems over and over again, burning them down in anger during the fight and forgotten the next day, but actually only tucked at the back of their minds for another round of fights in the future.
“i’m tired.” beomgyu gaped at his words, looking like he had a thousand more things to argue about, but he took a look in soobin’s eyes, and he stopped. “i’m so, so tired, beomgyu.”
beomgyu gathered him into his arms and they just cuddled in the middle of the living room for a moment. they kissed like they hadn’t been for weeks, and then they went upstairs to the rooftop of their apartment, trying to find some stars.
“it’s just dark.”
“light pollution.”
“right… what did we expect?”
they stood there dejected for a moment before looking at each other and burst into laughter. the night was dark and the autumn air was hitting them mercilessly, straight into the bones with how thin their clothing was.
it was more silly than funny, but it felt like them. they found each other again at that split moment.
moments later, they walked down hand in hands, going for a last minute shopping before all the store closed for the day. they managed to get some tiny glow in the dark star stickers from a cheap store and some fluorescent paint.
their bedroom was clad in green stars and paint by the end of the day. the last touch was beomgyu sitting on top of the taller’s shoulders, seated comfortably there while he painted the ceiling a picture of a starry night sky.
not long after, the couple laid down on the floor with all the lights out, staring up at the gleaming stars. they were in love again.
but the lights from the painted stars slowly dimmed out.
that was how their second honeymoon phase went too, as they went on their days like that perfect day never happened. just one vacation in the middle of their mundane relationship. one loving day that reminded them of how much they love each other.
it was not enough.
it served as a reminder for soobin of how much he craved love, and made him wonder whether he was in love with beomgyu or just a concept of love he offered by now.
as they laid there in the darkness, he didn’t tell beomgyu that, and that was his death sentence.
he wondered if things would have been different if he had spoken.
this happened last week.
==
for beomgyu, the break up was out of the blue.
one moment, he had everything he had ever wanted. he had a love story straight out of fairy tale, and he was so close to graduating, to an actual happily ever after with someone he loved. he had planned his future, how they would probably find a new place in the city, closer to where they worked later on.
but a happy ending is never an actual ending, it is a beginning.
your princess found her prince, and they got married and live happily ever after. these stories never told what happened after that ending. not the problems that came with the happiness brought by the relationship; the doubts, arguments, loss of feelings.
they are a part of a relationship.
and it would be a lie if beomgyu said that he hadn’t seen them. the cracks that started to form in their relationship, unlike how soobin refused to let his walls crack under beomgyu’s pressuring.
he just never thought that he would see this one break apart and crumble on his feet first.
“are you breaking up for good?” taehyun questions on the third day of the break.
by this time, beomgyu has grown anxious, falling into the shadow every time he would spot his boyfriend at the campus and had to hide because he didn’t want to break their break. or maybe he just does not want to meet soobin when he cannot look at beomgyu like he is the most beautiful person he has ever seen.
only now that beomgyu realizes he hasn’t seen that look in forever.
just how many signs had he missed?
“no… i don’t even know how this is happening. we were perfect.”
taehyun stares at him for a moment before breaking into a sigh. “you moved out of your shared apartment because you said it was too suffocating there, and remember that time you cried to me about how soobin hyung won’t talk to you for a whole day when he was moody? exactly.” sometimes he hates taehyun for being so observant. “you really think this won’t happen sooner or later?”
he has been avoiding thinking about it until now, ignoring the ache in his chest that grows with every passing hours that he is not allowed to be in love with choi soobin.
after all, it’s easier to feel something when it’s absent when it steals away a portion of your heart, leaving a hollow space smack in the center.
“i know that things have been different these days, but i thought we would get past it. i thought our love was strong enough to overcome this,” he says, feeling more like an idiot under taehyun’s observing eyes.
“you know it doesn’t work like that in real life, right?”
“i know,” he sighs, the breath he takes in next feels painful, piercing his lungs that he might as well have inhaled a box of nails. “i just don’t know how to function anymore without loving him.”
“well,” taehyun said, placing a bracelet on top of the table. beomgyu’s eyes widened as he recognized it. the bracelet he got from soobin and lost barely three months after. he remembers how angry soobin had been back then. “you fight for it then.”
he bites down onto his lower lip, thinking about soobin and his cold eyes, and then to the cold bed that is waiting for him in this apartment he is using with his best friend. and that’s when it hits him, that no matter what path he takes, it will be cold.
he put words into his feelings right at that second. the cold fear materializing in his chest realizing that he has missed so many signs. that he and soobin haven’t been doing well in loving each other these days, the elder might have forgotten how to love him by now.
it scares him, the prospect of soobin staring at him with eyes void of love.
“i’m scared, taehyunnie,” he voices it in a whisper, instantly feeling pathetic then, that he has waited for so long to acknowledge it.
he is trying to cross a burning bridge, hanging into a hope that he won’t burn down with it.
“if it doesn’t work out, then at least you come back here knowing you’ve fought.”
“you’ll welcome me?”
“there’s a reason why i never gave up your room even after you moved out.”
“because you expected this to happen?” beomgyu smiles bitterly. even his best friend had seen it coming, probably knew all along that beomgyu would eventually ruin a perfect relationship. he always ruins things.
taehyun shakes his head.
“no. because i want you to know that you’ll always have a home to go back to.”
sometimes he thinks that it was the curse of having a safety net. falling in love is free-falling into the abyss, not knowing what greets you at the bottom, but still excites you because at least you are not falling on your own.
both soobin and beomgyu always come with a safety net in this relationship. soobin with the thick impenetrable walls around him and beomgyu with his distractions – other friends, social activities, parties he does not want to attend.
they never found a safety net within each other despite being each other’s homes, and that’s where they went wrong.
==
it’s on the sixth day that soobin sees his boyfriend again.
in the two years of their relationship, this is the longest they have ever been without contacting each other. the pain and longing are still there, eating him up whenever he climbs into the bed and runs his hand over the cold sheet where beomgyu used to curl up on.
but it gets easier quickly enough. it’s easy since he has gotten used to the absence ever since beomgyu stops sleeping in their shared apartment.
he is in the middle of cooking some lunch when he hears the front door being unlocked, followed by hurried footsteps into the room.
beomgyu comes in bringing a storm in his steps. the tip of his nose still reddish from being in the cold. “why?” that’s the first thing that comes out of his frozen lips.
the meal does not look so appetizing anymore, scrambled eggs and vegetables cooking under soobin’s watchful eyes, while in fact his focus is nowhere other than on the sound of beomgyu’s breathing that goes slower. it’s when he notices a presence of hiccup in his breath that soobin does answer.
“what’s the matter, beomgyu?” he asks, not bothering to tear his gaze away.
but beomgyu is a strong presence. that’s how he got soobin to fall head over heels for him, that very first day his presence made soobin crash into a trash can, or when his presence in that party made soobin forget about everything else other than the urge to kiss him.
his presence is strong now, gaining a clutch around his heart especially with the question that slips out of his lips next.
“why do you want a breakup? why—“ he pauses to take a breath, staggering forward for a step closer into the safe zone soobin had drawn around him in the kitchen counter. “is it because i have been busy lately? i can fix it… it’s holiday soon and i can stay behind so we can fix it. is it something else that i did? please…”
if he had asked this back then when soobin asked for a breakup in the bookstore, soobin would have been stunned there with no answer. now that he has had too much time to think. a break from having to love choi beomgyu, he knows the answer.
he turns off the stove, ignoring his ruined meal as he turns around to look straight into beomgyu’s eyes. the pair of eyes he loved the most, framed by tears that cascade down his cheeks when he blinks.
“it’s not particularly because of something that you did,” he says.
beomgyu is on the verge of yelling, or tearing at his own hair out of frustration. “then why ? please help me understand, hyung. how did we become like this? we were perfect and now…”
his words are dripping with the taste of heartbreak, and if soobin thought it hurt, nothing hurts more than when his own thoughts materialize into his own voice. because that’s when it becomes real.
“it’s just… i’m not in love with you anymore, beomgyu.”
that’s it. the moment sweet voice that usually calls out beomgyu-ah, hey beomgyu-ah. baby.. love. gyu-ah, i love you. becomes just beomgyu.
soobin can see the other physically breaks into pieces, and he turns around just to avoid seeing the ruin he has caused. the food is not interesting anymore, as he feels sick to the stomach for breaking his side of their promise with his own lips.
the pair of lips that promised beomgyu forever .
he only acknowledges his boyfriend’s presence when he feels arms wrapped tightly around his waist, hugging him from behind. beomgyu’s face is pressed into his nape, reminding him how beomgyu is just the perfect height to kiss his nape whenever he would hug him from behind.
sleepy mornings where he would sleepily watch soobin cook their breakfast. secret kisses at the bookstore beomgyu works at, where soobin would visit sometimes just so they could go home together.
that very first time beomgyu had hugged him from behind just to stop him from going home, pressing a kiss to his nape just to steal another five seconds of being together. it was the day soobin knew that beomgyu was capable of being in love with him without a word.
it’s too bad that his silence stops being enough.
“soobin-ah… hyung. can you do me another favour? just one more and i will get out of your hair for good.”
it’s tempting. beomgyu knows that he can never say no.
“we can’t keep doing this, gyu. we had the break because you asked for it, and it’s obviously not working.
a soft sob rips through the heavy silence in the room, reminding him that the younger is still crying. he feels the shake travelling through beomgyu’s frame before he speaks again.
“i promise, i’m not going to beg you to take me back. after this, we can go on our own way. i will disappear without a trace, and you won’t have to be in pain anymore.”
“what is it?” soobin finally turns around, taking beomgyu’s hands from around him to draw some space between them. he watches the tears that clung to beomgyu’s eyes, crystal clear under the glaring kitchen lights, right where they have made out countless times before.
the ache in his chest is soothed with the thought that this is for the best. with this separation, he will never have to hurt beomgyu anymore. one more favour won’t hurt them.
“for one more day, can you pretend that you are still in love with me?”