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Sapnap wakes to his cat brushing up against his face and the uncomfortable tickle his fur leaves against his nose, making him feel like he wants to sneeze.
With one lazy eye open to watch as the bundle of ginger fur settles comfortably and directly in front of his face, Sapnap emits a tired groan, wondering which ridiculous hour of the morning it currently is. At least it’s not a school day.
Lazily, he brings a fatigued arm upwards to run a hand through his hair, which he’s sure is sticking up at all angles, before he brings it to his side as he sits himself up against the wood of the headboard to give his cat the petting he is surely asking for.
Normally, he wouldn’t allow his cat into his room, let alone on his bed, but Sapnap figures it’s way too late for that now, grimacing slightly as he watches his cat roll over on the sheets, leaving a trail of ginger hairs as he goes.
Glancing over to the far side of his room, Sapnap soon realises he must’ve accidentally left his door open last night, either that or his mum had popped her head in this morning before she left for work to check on him or to look for something.
Shaking his head with a light tut, he merely accepts his fate as he sighs and leads his head backwards against the hard surface behind him, not even bothering to shoo his cat away when he attempts to climb into his lap as he would normally. His cat settles happily in the warmth of his lap, purring away without complaint.
Whilst staring upwards at the ceiling, he watches fan above him spinning idly, lost in a trail of groggy thoughts as he stretches out his arms and feels them click satisfyingly.
He knows he set no alarms today, so he could just turn a blissful blind eye to the world and settle back into the warmth of his bed, or, the less attractive option, get his ass out of bed to go and make a substantial breakfast.
A soft meow drags his eyes back down from the swirls of the ceiling and to the cat sitting in his lap, as if to request that he needs feeding too. Sapnap thinks he’s probably right.
Reckoning he must be some sort of crazy person or something, Sapnap makes the small stretch across his bed to capture his phone from where it lies on his desk, huffing a little with the effort and from where he unsettles his cat, leading him to dig his claws into the upper flesh of his legs.
He licks at his lips and finds them dry, with a lack of moisture requisite in his mouth to remedy that, also, and mentally adds that to the list of reasons he should slide out of his bed right now and wander downstairs to the kitchen. Big brown eyes stare up at him expectantly from his lap too, pleading with him to do so.
When he makes no moves in the next ten seconds indicating that he intends to follow through with his plan, his cat appears to give up with a loud puff of frustrated breath emitted sharply through his nose, before he’s leaping off of Sapnap’s lap and stalking his way to the other side of the room.
Sapnap rolls his eyes at the fickleness and quick change of heart expressed towards him, chucking to himself as he watches his cat curl around himself and settle on the blanket-covered couch near the window of the room, presumably to bask in the sun and then ignore Sapnap for as long as possible until he’s on his way to make food.
He watches the picture his cat makes, amused, and is about to check on the influx of texts he’s sure have accumulated on his phone overnight, when his eyes flick back over to the couch in his room again. He pauses.
Memories of coloured flashing lights, the thump of the bass against the walls of the house, and soft and tender red lips pliant under his own come rushing back to him, flooding his brain and coaxing it into full consciousness.
Then the next thought that follows finally falls through. He inhales sharply and holds his breath as he fumbles with the phone in his hand, finally managing to light up the screen.
He still doesn’t release the breath trapped in his throat.
March 1st.
Sapnap’s heart is drumming loudly under his chest as his grip loosens on the phone and it falls into his lap with a muffled ‘thud’ padded by the grey sheets.
It’s his birthday.
His eighteenth birthday.
Kicking the sheets off of his body hurriedly, Sapnap turns to his bedside table to his right to grab what he knows he’s always kept there, one thought alone adamant on clinging onto his mind.
He’s pretty sure his phone clatters to the floor in the process, but he doesn’t bother to look for it as he reaches out one of his hands to grab the black biro pen from the base of his lamp where he’s been keeping it for years.
Fuck, he thinks in his whirling mind as he glances down. When did his hands start freaking shaking?
Taking hold of the pen with both of his hands this time, Sapnap attempts to minimise the jittery movement and tries taking deep, deep breaths but they keep coming up short.
Helplessly, he quickly turns to a different approach and thinks of long, light-brown hair that falls over the delicate features of an almost goofily-grinning face. He thinks of deep grey pools, lightly-toned chittered laughs and nights spent giggling stupid things to each other half-asleep.
He thinks of Karl.
If he shuts his eyes, he can almost picture him standing before him; he’d probably poke Sapnap in the side in the way he knows makes him ticklish or run his hands through his short hair, knowing the younger likes it very much.
Sapnap finds he can finally take a breath and grasps onto it for dear life, welcoming the air back to his lungs and grounding himself with the weight of the pen he still holds in his hands and the warmth of the sheets against his legs.
Karl would probably be giggling (he’s always giggling); Sapnap loves it, especially when he knows it’s because of him, and he would also probably be thinking about kissing his boyfriend to shut his teasing up.
He opens his eyes again and finds the spots of sunlight projected through the panes of glass onto the couch across from his bed. He watches as his cat rolls over on the soft blanket and exposes his belly to the sun; finally, his heart begins to calm enough to allow him to hear his own thoughts again.
The see-through plastic is cool in his hands, the tip of the lid pointy and sharp as he shuffles the biro from hand to hand, staring at the blank skin of his arms.
Fuck.
He really didn’t think it would be this hard.
Buzzing excitement has been pulsing through his veins all week, occupying his mind during his stupid lessons at school with daydreams of every scenario under the sun.
Now, that small buzz seems to have been amplified tenfold, taking over control of all of his limbs and rendering his hands completely idle whilst his mind wills them to move.
Sapnap had spent almost every evening with Karl leading up to his birthday, whether it had been in real life or online, but it was obviously just their luck that he had had a football game last night, that was crucial he attended, for his team’s position in the cup and that Karl had stupid night classes he had to attend if he wanted to finish his university course with a good grade.
They had agreed to calling each other, or something of the sort, when they were both finished, but Sapnap must have passed the fuck out almost right away after he had stripped himself of his football gear, because he doesn’t remember anything of the sort happening.
Glancing quickly to his left, Sapnap finds his football jersey and shorts still disregarded in a sorry, emerald-green pile beside his bed. He scrunches his nose up at the sight and returns his attention back to the pen in his hand and the swimming feeling in the cavity of his chest.
His hand still carries a slight shake as he uncaps the pen and balances the tip against the tan skin of the inside of his left wrist as he exudes a resolute sigh. With butterflies fluttering rapidly against his heart, he writes.
Sapnap finds the few words flowing easily out of him, despite not having given too much thought as to what he was going to first say to his soulmate, and more of the implications it had for him and Karl.
He watches the skin around the black ink on his arm impatiently as his mind chases images of the other man. Of the one he so desperately wants to find on the other end of his soul bond.
Please, he can’t help thinking, finding a vulnerability in his inner voice he didn’t know was originally there, please let it be him.
His leg is bouncing against the mattress, causing the rest of his body to jostle, but he barely notices, staring at the skin of his arm as if it’ll incite the appearance of a reply any quicker.
Running a finger lightly over the words as he waits, shooting tingles up and down his own tendons, Sapnap very quickly gives in to his impatience and lunges off of the edge of his bed to swoop down and collect his phone from the floor, amidst the pooled mess of his bedsheets.
The brightness of the screen leaves him squinting for a couple of seconds before the turns it down and scrolls through the notifications already shown on his screen: an encouraging text from Clay sent and received last night, an analysis of last night’s game play sent on the team group chat by their coach, chipper happy birthday messages from his distant family.
Nothing from Karl.
Yet, he corrects himself sternly, yet, yet, yet.
Without even thinking about it, his hands have made the familiar motion of scrolling to his contacts list, picking out a particular name and hitting ‘call’. Only the ringing of his phone in his hands alerts Sapnap to the fact that he’d even done anything at all.
“Hello?”
The voice that emits out of the speaker of his phone isn’t the one he was expecting to hear; Sapnap furrows his brow a little from the confusion as he asks, “George?”
There’s a hearty chuckle at his audible puzzlement from down the line, very much confirming his suspicions. Sapnap bites at the loose skin of his lip in the meantime.
“Yeah, it’s me,” George laughs out again, “Clay’s in the shower right now... what’s up?”
“Well, I-“
He pauses for a second when he recounts George’s words to himself and catches their careful and well-trodden tone. His friend remembers what day it is.
“Have you heard from Karl?”
There’s a silence that follows that Sapnap immediately decides he doesn’t like.
“You haven’t?”
“No... I-,” Sapnap glances to the nakedness of his arm and lowers his tone, fiddling with the pen by weaving it in and out of his fingers, “I wrote on my skin, but...”
He trails off and hears only a considering silence from George; he can imagine the concentrated look on his friend’s face, brows furrowing inwards.
“No texts? Nothing?”
There’s a lump in Sapnap’s throat that he has to swallow before he echos quietly, “... nothing.”
A light thump attracts Sapnap away from the conflict inside his mind momentarily, glancing his darkened eyes over to the side of his room to catch his cat, apparently already risen from his nap, daintily walking back towards him across the carpet.
“Wait a second,” George tells him; Sapnap imagines him chewing the inside of his lip with the focus that’s laced in his voice, “I’m gonna check something.”
Sapnap makes some noise of agreement from the back of his throat, not entirely paying attention as he, instead, watches his cat jump back up onto his bed and bump his head into his hand currently gripping the pen. The sight brings him a briefly relieving smile.
He can hear George tapping away on his own phone; Sapnap’s knee starts bouncing up and down against his bed once again.
“Wait,” The return of his friend’s voice jolts him back from the depths of his mind. A constant tug-of-war between overthinking and not trying to think at all, “Check Discord, Sapnap.”
Obediently, he immediately does what he’s told, the app opening up onto the group containing all four of them, the one they use the most.
Sapnap stares at the screen for a couple of seconds, half-heartedly clicking around and swiping back and forth, about to ask what the hell he’s supposed to be looking at, when he sees.
Karl Jacobs - last seen 8 hours ago
“Oh,” he says to no one but himself. He repeats it again, but more loudly, “Oh.”
George laughs a little at his exclamation, but it’s quieter and softer than usual.
“I’m pretty sure he’s still asleep.”
The logic is sound. The four of them pretty much live on their Discord group, in voice calls whenever they can and sending stupid memes and videos when they can’t.
If Karl hasn’t been on since last night, since coming back from his late-evening lectures...
If he’s still not awake and none the wiser to the world... that means he maybe still hasn’t seen- means he still could be...
Sapnap coughs back the choking sensation in his throat, glancing from the ink penned across his skin, then to Karl’s Discord profile open on his phone, and then back again to his arm.
“I-,” He still trips on the words in his mouth despite giving himself time to breathe, time to process all of this welling emotion bunching up in his chest, “What do I do?”
He sounds young to his ears as he speaks, quiet, seeking the guidance of his closest friends in his moments of uncertainty. Where his mind can’t seem to string together a single thought caught under the pressure of hope, anticipation and impatience pinning him down.
“Go and see him,” George tells him surely, intonation rising to loud and eager for his friend, “You idiot, go and freaking wake him up.”
Sapnap allows his friend’s voice to rocket his hope-filled heart up into space again, shunning the infringing thoughts that whisper that there’s other possible reasons Karl hasn’t replied on his skin. Hasn’t replied to him.
The beat of his heart is back to drumming against his ribs, invigorated by the notion of racing his way over to Karl’s and finally putting an end to the draining mystery of the unknown.
“I’ll text you the code so you can get in.”
George is telling him as he’s already stumbling around his messy room, pulling on socks and doing everything out of order, but it’s all leading him one step closer.
“Code for what?”
He’s got his head halfway through the holes of his t-shirt when he hears Clay appear in the background of their call. There’s a brief hush of whispered speaking from the other end as he continues to dress in a hurry; George must be filling Clay in.
“The downstairs lobby door.”
George finally explains after apparently finishing. Sapnap thanks all the gods that Karl and George live in the same university apartment block.
“Okay,” He says, but then continues to sigh again as he pats his pockets and checks he’s picked up his keys, along with anything else he could possibly need, “...okay- uh.”
“Hey, dude, listen to me,” Clay knows him too well; Sapnap listens, “Take a couple of deep breaths. Please try and put it all out of your mind until you get there- there’s no use in stressing yourself out more,”
Sapnap makes a noise of agreement but is unsure if that’s something he is currently capable of.
“And, remember, whatever happens, me and George are here for you. Just call one of us if you need, okay?” A warm smile appears on Sapnap’s face momentarily as he pictures his best friend’s reassuring wide grin in his mind, “It’s gonna be fine.”
He picks his phone up and tells Clay that he hopes so. Sapnap thinks he believes him.
He repeats his friend’s words over and over in his mind whilst he settles himself in his car and pulls out of the drive.
It’s going to be fine.
~
Sapnap is anything but fine.
The hallways are too crystal clear, lined with floor to ceiling windows allowing the morning light to burst in, and each apartment door looks near-identical as he whizzes the numbers by, counting in his head.
He feels overwhelmed, dealing with everything and anything all at once whilst fate grips his heart in its hands, in the marks traced across his skin.
The dark patterns on the carpeted floor swirl into one under the pace of his feet and his head is constantly swivelling left and right. He’s been to Karl’s apartment before, many times, but he’s never arrived on his own and had to pay attention to which way he’s walking.
He curses that fact now, muttering to himself lowly under his breath as he suddenly feels too hot under the thick black fabric of his hoodie, wishing he never brought it with him from the car.
Thirty-four, thirty-five, Sapnap is starting to think his heart may leap out of his chest, the adrenaline pumping through his veins is the only thing that’s currently keeping his limbs moving in a straight line down the corridor.
He shoves his phone into the pocket of his hoodie and gives brief consideration to his current appearance. Probably hot and frazzled and a bit red in the face from his current exertion, blood running ridiculously warm under his skin.
Thirty-six, thirty-seven
Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Sapnap can’t help but increase his pace as he draws closer and closer to answers, to the truth of fate, and to Karl.
Thirty-eight, thirty-nine
His legs start to feel a little like jelly under the weight of his body and his heavy, racing mind. His marching feet finally come to a halt against the carpet.
Forty
Before him stands a door he’s seen countless times before, the sight of it practically etched into his mind: the smooth oak wood, the metallic shine of the knocker fastened in the middle, the Cartoon Network stickers hidden away in the top corner that always make him grin because it’s so perfectly Karl.
Now, the door seems humongous. An obstacle for Sapnap to clear before his heart makes or breaks. A blinding light blocking his searching and hopeful eyes from the revelation of fate’s reality.
He raises his hand to knock, but doesn’t yet rattle his knuckles against the shiny, artificial gleam. Shuffling on his feet, Sapnap inches slowly closer to the door, as if it might whisper the answers to his dilemma directly into his ear, and repeatedly clenches and unclenches his sweaty palms.
The breath in his throat hitches as his hand finally moves without command, the knocking sound it produces is sharp to Sapnap’s ears in the silenced corridor, and hopefully is enough to rouse Karl from his slumber.
God, Sapnap tips his head upwards and dances around the glare of a saucer light installed into the decorative ceiling, please let him have been asleep. Please.
The click of the lock jerks his head quickly back downwards to the door. His heart now feels like it might spill out of his chest if he opens his mouth.
And Sapnap has never been so relieved to see his boyfriend look so exhausted.
Fatigue is clear in his arms as Sapnap watches Karl struggle to push the door open more widely when his grey eyes widen in recognition.
The bright colour-blocking of his hoodie is luminous enough to pale Karl’s skin as he brings a purple sleeve up to rub at his half-shut eyes, perhaps wondering if he’s currently possibly hallucinating.
“...Sap? Wha-“
He almost melts on the spot and forgets his original purpose at all, his boyfriend’s soft and slightly hoarse voice tugging up at the corners of his lips and wrapping its way around Sapnap’s beating heart.
Then he remembers why his heart is beating so alarmingly fast and freezes on the spot, despite the blushed redness of his skin.
What the fuck was he going to say? Did he even think that far?
His mind had been so focused on the principle, on the meanings for them and their future, that Sapnap had failed to consider if he’d be able to utter out the question at all.
Karl’s looking over him and his flushed state with soft, grey eyes, yet he still looks knackered and half-asleep.
Sapnap imagines that he probably fell fast asleep last night quickly too after returning from his lecture. He knows he has upcoming important exams soon that could boost his final grade. He’s also calmed by the knowledge that Karl didn’t wait up for him, missing him last night, because they were apparently both equally dead to the world.
His boyfriend doesn’t seem to currently recall the date in his groggy state, but Sapnap can see, behind his eyes, the cogs ticking in his brain, as if he knows there’s something he should be thinking or getting excited about.
Sapnap finally realises, after a couple seconds of pregnant silence, that he’d cut Karl’s words off by reaching forwards and taking ahold of his left arm. Subconsciously, his fingers move over the area of Karl’s inner forearm where he knows he’d written earlier this morning.
Or not. They might not be there.
It’s this thought that finally brings Sapnap’s impatience to a head. His arms are a flurry of movement as he takes Karl’s left arm with both of his hands, exposing his clothed forearm up to the stark white ceiling and the sky beyond.
Doe-like eyes dart up to his own in confusion quickly, but the other does not fight Sapnap’s rushed and light movements, holding Karl’s arm as if he’s a precious jewel. The one thing he needs.
With a shaky hand, Sapnap watches himself peel back the soft fabric of Karl’s hoodie, uncovering pale skin to the slightly colder air of the hallway.
Sapnap’s heart is exploding in slow motion against his ribs as it inches slowly higher and higher, Karl’s eyes interestedly watching his controlled movements too.
It takes a moment for everything to register when he finally sees it, his earlier words of the morning reflected back to him like a shining, bright mirror.
I really hope it’s you
He feels Karl’s reaction before he hears or sees it; stumped amazement and disbelieving glee glittering into the centre of their chests and unfurling like the luscious petals of a rose.
His eyes are wide as his jaw slips downwards slightly, he licks over his dry lips before he attempts to speak, a warmth filling and welling in his heart.
“... Karl.”
His voice catches and almost breaks on the ridges lining his throat. Feeling a need to, Sapnap brings one of his fingers to graze over the black ink standing out against the skin of Karl’s forearm, making sure it couldn’t possibly wash away.
It doesn’t.
He hears Karl’s breath hitch above him at his tender and gentle touch. Neither of them seem to dare to move, to disturb the serenity and perfection of the moment settled within and around them.
Finally, Sapnap brings his gaze upwards from his own words penned across Karl’s arm.
His soulmate’s arm.
The thought brings so much unbridled relief and excitement to his mind that it feels wobbly, like the ripples riding the surface of a lake after a disturbance of its prolonged calm. It brings an unrestricted beaming grin to his face, so wide that the corners of his mouth begin to ache his cheeks.
He finally meets Karl’s eyes; a bright and glistening grey matched level with his own. Sapnap sees what he feels there, joyous glee and exhilaration thrumming through his body, electrifying every nerve.
He watches Karl’s lips with eager eyes as they immediately morph upwards into a large and giddy smile, taking over a majority of his cheeks as he chirps out a short, disbelieving laugh.
Sapnap can’t take it any longer as he drops Karl’s left arm in favour for wrapping his arms quickly around his boyfriend’s waist and pulling him close against him.
Their warmth emanates up in the air as Sapnap takes Karl’s grinning lips into a kiss. One that’s so deep and desperate and makes him realise over and over again just how much he had needed it to be Karl; he doesn’t know what he would’ve done if it had turned out any other way.
But it has worked out. They’re soulmates.
The thought makes him dizzy in the brain, even more so now that he already is under the administration of Karl’s soft and supple lips.
He opens his mouth more into the kiss as he feels his boyfriend’s hands weave their way around his neck, hooking him downwards to lean into him more and humming happily when it pushes their mouths closer together and deepens the kiss.
Sapnap can’t quite believe that he gets to have this, with Karl, forever.
When they part for breath, panting into the spaces in between them loudly, they still remained hooked together. Hands on waists and shoulders, holding themselves tightly into one being.
It only takes Karl releasing one small snickered giggle at their heavy breaths for Sapnap to join in with his own chuckles too, throwing his head back in gleeful laughter at the sheer warmth of the moment that holds them.
“I love you so freakin’ much,”
Karl tells him, fingers playing with the softness of thin hairs at the nape of Sapnap’s neck. He loves that that’s the first full sentence he’s heard his soulmate say today.
“I’m so glad it’s you.”
He can’t help swooping down to capture his boyfriend’s reddened lips once more as he squeezes reassurance into Karl’s waist, keeping their bodies flush together.
His grin is the widest it’s ever been, and his gaze the softest, as he answers quietly, just for Karl.
The words sound almost feeble against the magnitude of the moment, but he knows Karl can feel the crushing, comforting warmth he channels through them with all his might.
“I love you too.”