Work Text:
Fighting with Childe was always dangerous. Our weekly sessions were intense, hard on both our bodies and always came with a sense of desperation. They kept me sharp, made sure I wouldn’t get complacent against hilichurls and the lesser enemies I fought almost daily. Still, today seemed different. He seemed... off. Distant. Like his eyes were looking at me but seeing something else.
Darkness
By:
Satashi
His attacks were getting stronger, pushing my blade with each crash. My arms were going numb, legs straining to keep up with the flow of battle. This was getting out of control, our normally restrained swings becoming more fierce, more precise. Blood was staining our clothes, fabric ripped and ruined. I needed to end this before something happened to one of us, and fast.
My legs braced, heels kicking away from him to gain distance. Normally it would signal a break in our spar... but this time he was right there with me, eyes blazing a dark hatred as he swung to cleave through whatever he was fighting in his mind. “Childe!?”
His eyes cleared, body jerking from the trance. Still, he couldn’t stop his attack and I wasn’t fully prepared for him to lunge at me the way he had. I felt the blades streak my front, both being slightly deflected by my sword to keep them from cutting too deep.
The ground hit my back and I rolled to absorb some of the impact. I could have jumped back to my feet and dashed back into battle, but I could tell that he wasn’t going to push it. Instead, I just laid on the grass and panted out while trying to mentally take account of my wounds. He hadn’t held back at all.
“Girlie...” I heard him slump down to his knees next to me.
“I’m fine,” my voice came instantly. It was mostly out of habit, the words forming before I even knew if I was really fine or not. It just came out automatically. “What’s up with you today?” I made no motion to get up or to open my eyes to look at him. His expression was still burned into my mind. Angry... cold...
“Sorry, just... bad few days.” I heard him shift, probably sitting down next to me properly now that he saw that I wasn’t injured too bad. I allowed my head to turn to the side and glance at him. Sitting with his legs out in front of himself next to my head, almost like a lopsided ‘T’ shape. His eyes were averted, focusing more on the grass at his other side that was meeting a terrible fate, plucked by his hands.
I moved my body to scoot up a little and lay my head on his lap. Much better than the hard ground, that’s for sure. If he minded, he didn’t say anything. Instead, a small moment of silence passed between us. Several minutes came and went, both of us just enjoying the sun shining warmly down while the cool breeze soothed our injured bodies. After a while, I heard the sounds of a glove being removed and then the sensation of fingers combing through my hair. I once told him Aether did it for me when I was sleepy and a light tug of a grin came to the corner of my lips. He was trying, bless him.
When I felt the time was right, I offered him a question. A simple one that he could easily refuse if he wanted to. I more than expected him to, honestly. “Want to talk about it?” His fingers stilled in my hair.
“The other week,” his voice was soft. “I was visiting home for a few days while reporting to the Tsaritsa.” Childe’s hand twitches in my hair, fingers playing with the strands instead of moving through them now. When he hesitated, I kept my eyes closed to wait for him. I was patient. I would let him prepare himself for whatever he wanted to say.
“Before I had to leave, I wanted to spend some time with my little sister, Tonia.” I could tell he was in deep thought, his voice troubled. “We... went into town. I was going to spoil her, you see.” A small chuckle. “A new dress, she’s growing so much.” I did smile at that, and I was sure he saw it.
“So,” he continued again. “we were walking to another store... and someone approached us.” I could feel the mood shifting, his fingers going still in my hair. “He pulled a knife on us, demanded money. My little Printsessa, she...” His voice was a mix of smiling and scoffing at the same time. “She told him to put away the knife, that we could spare him some money... That there was no need for violence.”
I took the moment to offer some words to him when he paused. “The universe needs more people like her.”
I couldn’t see his reaction but his fingernails began to softly trace my scalp. It was an amazing feeling that sent shivers down my spine. “It does,” he agreed. “But the guy, he... Well, when you try to rob someone who says they have money to lend...” I swallowed thickly. “I... didn’t want to show myself in front of her. She knows what I do, but actually seeing it... Lumine, I hesitated. He cut her. He stabbed my sister’s shoulder with the knife.”
Before he could lose himself in the thought, I reached up with a hand to take his. I didn’t say anything, simply holding it against my chest with both of mine. I won’t judge you, Childe, can you see that? I’m just here to listen.
“I...” He was struggling, his fingers clearly debating whether they wanted to seek comfort in mine or not. “I saw red. I wanted to kill him right then and there, but...” This time he did laugh. “She told me to calm down, to just take a breath. She was sure the man was just desperate and in hard times, that he was in a great need to do something like that. He laughed... took the mora Tonia offered him and told me to know my place... Me! To... to...”
I squeezed his hand, and he calmed down.
“My Printsessa...” I felt his body move as he shook his head. "She thought she did such a good deed, helping someone who was struggling. I just... took her to a healer that I knew... had her patched up and looked after so I could take her home. She said... she was proud of me... for staying calm. For not picking a fight like I used to.”
Again his fingers twitched. Did he want to hold my hand? Was it a sign of weakness to him?
“The next day,” he continued on, his voice now a little lower, almost sounding defeated. “I was going to the boat to come here for our sparring match... I saw the man, mugging someone else.” He paused. I didn’t even have to ask but he told me anyway. “I killed him. Ran him through with a dagger and threw him onto the ground. While I was crouching over him, enjoying the sight of him coughing up blood with that pleading look in his eyes... I heard my name.”
Oh... Oh no.
“Tonia saw me. She came to bid me farewell... and instead saw her knight murder in cold blood.” His voice was practically shaking. “I just stood there, his blood on my daggers, while he died at my feet. She... Fuck... She sighed and shook her head and... left. She left...”
I opened my eyes. I had to. Childe was above me, slightly hunched over with one hand ruffled in his hair. His eyes looked so hurt, blinking rapidly as if fighting back the tears that the man didn’t believe in. Yet, through it all, he was smiling. That fake smile that could fool everyone. That did fool everyone.
“...Childe...” The hand closest to his body reached up and backward to touch his cheek. His gaze met mine and I felt a sharp pain ripple through me. How much has this man been through to smile like that? To have his most precious sibling turn her back on him yet still wear the mask on his face? “Stop, Childe... Stop smiling. It's okay to let it out... It's okay to be sad. Don’t give me that fake smile, it's painful to see.”
“I don’t know any other way.”
“Just show how you really feel... Be yourself. I won’t hold it against you. I won’t think less of you.”
“I... don’t remember who I really am anymore.” Despite the severity of his words, the smile on his face stayed. “It's been so long.”
My fingers curled lightly, dipping behind his ear and urging him to look at me. “Let’s start with your name?”
Childe stayed silent, letting his hand rest against my cheek for a long, long moment. I could tell he was a whirlwind of emotions right now, and I briefly wondered if I had crossed a line. “Promise me,” he finally spoke, voice barely a whisper. “that you’ll only use it when we’re alone.”
Blue eyes glanced down at me and my breath caught. His eyes were... different. Deep... powerful... “I promise.” My words were forced out, lungs not having sucked in any air since our eyes met.
His warm hand reached up to his cheek, caressing my hand. This time he let our fingers interlace and he brought them to his lips. The hand that was on my chest shifted as well, his pinkie lightly bending around mine. “You make a pinkie promise...”
“You keep it all your life.” I finished his phrase. To my surprise, it felt like the lightest of butterfly kisses brushed against my finger. Then a single word was spoken against them, warm breath washing between our interlaced hands. “Ajax.” A shaking inhale came slowly. “My name... It’s Ajax”
“Ajax...” I repeated it, liking how it sounded on my lips. He was looking down at me with a shocked expression, hand holding mine tightly. “It's a nice name... I like it. Ajax.”
He looked like he was about to break down. A soft, subtle quivering of his lip, eyes closing tight. Ajax leaned over me, cradling my head against himself and holding my hand tight. He didn’t cry, but from his shaking breath and hard swallowing, I knew that this moment was still good for him. It was a good start, I was proud of him. Ajax took the first step of finding himself once again... of being able to face his little sister with pride the next time he saw her.
And I kind of wanted to be there with him when he did.