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It has been five years. Five years, damn it, and yet I am still here, like some idiot waiting for his saving grace, a saving grace I know that will never come. That I hope never comes.
Whatever happened to all my dreams of travelling the world? Of enjoying everything that life could offer? What happened to becoming a championship-winning gridball player?
I guess you happened.
Where did all my dreams go? Just when, exactly, did I lose sight of all my goals, all my dreams, of everything?
…I guess it was around the time I lost you.
It was the First day of Spring when I first saw you. You were walking down the lonely street of the town, stopping by every villager you met for a greeting and a polite introduction.
Back then, you were just some ordinary, plain looking girl to me.
Your eyes, normal, your features, normal, your looks, normal. Every single thing about you just screamed ‘normal’, and that was the kind of girl I would never waste my time on. There were better pickings to be had.
Little did I know that you were anything but normal.
I am stuck here in my stupid house, too big for just myself, with absolutely no one for company. I have never been that good of a grandson, and I suppose I could not fault my grandparents for passing away so closely to each other. I have never been that good of a friend or neighbour, either, so I am mostly treated with contempt.
I just wish I would have someone to talk to me, to keep me occupied and to make me remember that I am alive, that I am a human being. Anyone, anyone at all would be good enough.
Though, if I am being honest, I suppose I do not want just anyone.
I want you.
A few days later, you came to my house and introduced yourself. Due to their old age, my grandparents did not spend much time out and about, and you found it to be polite to come and make a cordial visit.
Even your name was a plain name, and so I began calling you Farm Girl, admittedly derogatorily. Yoba, I am an idiot.
You brought cookies, I thought them to be too dry, and animated conversation. My grandmother absolutely adored you, and demanded for you to come more often. You complied, and so became a permanent fixture around our house.
You were just some other Plain Jane, of those you meet in every corner, and I swore to myself, I would never be caught spending time with such a boring person like you.
It is strange how someone I thought to be so boring managed to change my life so much.
I hate myself for calling you boring and plain all those years back. I should never have thought that way about you.
You were beautiful, funny, amazing, wonderful and anything but plain, but, as I now know, what is said and done cannot be taken back, no matter how damn hard you want to.
You started visiting every day, and you started talking to me. I could not avoid you forever, so I let myself be caught sometimes when my grandmother was serving tea, I let myself be convinced to stick around for a minute or two, and so you began talking to me.
I guess it was not so much your voice as your personality that attracted me to you.
Your personality, it was anything but normal. It made me want to know more about you, to always want to be with you.
There was just… Something so…
There was something so special about it, about you, that I always found myself being drawn to you.
And from them on, I found myself always hanging out with boring old Farm Girl.
I still remember calling you that. Boring Old Farm Girl. A stupid nickname, made up by a stupid boy that knew nothing of real life. It was not fair to you that I called you that, and yet, you put up with me.
I guess that is just one of the many things that made me want to get to know you, and it was one of the many things I missed most when I lost you.
Comparing you to Haley, of course I would pick her. She just got this… Energy about her. She is pretty and cute, and definitely not boring. She was exciting in all the right places to turn heads of naïve boys like me.
No matter what you did and what you said, the entire valley routinely picked her over you, so I guess I should be kinder with myself on that point, but then again, I always thought myself to be better than everyone else.
I guess, she just seemed like the right choice for me, but she was not.
You were always the right one for me, Farm Girl, and I guess that is exactly why I chose Haley over you. I found myself drawn to you, but I had to tell myself that Haley would always be the right one for me.
No matter how damn much I wanted to hug and kiss you, I had to tell myself this.
“She’s Boring Old Farm Girl. Boring, boring, boring old Farm Girl.”
It became my mantra, something I would repeat in my mind again and again whenever I gazed upon you, but you know when I told this to myself the most?
It was when you told me you loved me.
It was the Twenty-Sixth of Summer when you told me…
Told me… That.
We were in my room, and I can still remember how the conversation went exactly, word for word.
“So, Boring Old Farm Girl, who do you think is the prettiest girl in this village?” I asked, gauging for a reaction. I do not know why on Earth I asked something such as that, but I did.
“Well…” You pouted, as you did when you thought too hard. “I’d think I will say Penny.”
“Penny?” I asked in disbelief. “She’s just as plain as you!”
I laughed at you for thinking Penny, the only girl in town who was just as normal-looking as you, was pretty.
“What’s wrong with that?” You defended, your pitch raising. “Well, who do you think is the prettiest?”
I know I should have said you. I should have said you. I should just damn said it was you.
“Haley, duh.” I snorted. “She’s pretty and cute, and way cooler than you, Boring Old Farm Girl.”
You did not say anything after that, and I should have gotten it.
Why could not my dumbass mind just process it?
“Hey, why so quiet? Sad that I think Haley’s hotter than you?” I teased you, meaning it only as a joke.
A long silence passed before you said anything, refusing to look me in the eye.
“Heh. You know what, Alex? I am sad. And you know why? Because that’s how you’ll always think. You’ll always think of me as Boring Old Farm Girl, and you’ll always think that everyone is prettier or nicer or better than me.”
“Hey, come on, cannot take a joke, little Plain Girl?” I continued teasing you, still not getting the message.
“Yeah, I guess I can’t.” You smiled at me sadly, and never had I seen your eyes so full of sadness.
With that, you made your way towards the door, and just before leaving, you said these words.
“You know what the sad thing about this is, Alex?” You said to me, your voice threatening to break any moment.
“Boring Old Farm Girl loves you.” You whispered just loud enough so I could hear, and without another word, you took off.
“Boring Old Farm Girl loves you.”
You know why I remember this conversation so vividly?
Because it haunts me. It haunts me every single damn day of my life, and I just cannot get it to go away. Because getting it to go away would mean erasing one of the few memories I actually have of you, and I cannot bring myself to do that.
Even though they are all bad memories, I do not want to forget them. I cannot forget them. They are all I have left of you, and I have to hold on to them as tight as I can.
When in fact, I should have held onto you as tight as I could, when I actually had the chance.
As I was digesting what I had just heard from you, Haley barged in, with her annoyingly happy attitude.
She started rambling on about something, probably some girl stuff I would not care about.
Everything you said always interested me. It was probably at that moment I realized that you were the one I wanted. You had always been the one I wanted.
It is ironic, huh?
The moment I realized that you were the one I really wanted was just a few minutes after I lost you.
Even though I had only known you for a year, I know now that I had always been utterly and irrevocably in love with you, and I would always be in love with you.
But it is just too late now, isn’t it?
No matter how damn much I want you, I still cannot have you.
After the… Incident happened, we never talked to each other and never even looked at one another when we crossed paths.
Yoba, I missed you. I missed your chatter, your jokes… Well, I guess I just missed you.
Do you know why I am still here? Because I cannot bear to leave you. Even though we do not speak, I still love you.
I guess I have no right to say that, because I am the one who ruined everything. It is my fault, and like what I have already said, no matter how damn hard I want to take back what I have said and done, I cannot. I know now that it just does not work that way.
A little over three years later, on the 26th of Summer, you got engaged with the town doctor. A boring, old man.
I was invited to your wedding, but I could not do it. I could not see the woman I loved promise to love another man forever.
And so, while everyone gathered at the town square to watch you and Harvey get married, I stayed in my house, and for the first time ever, I cried for you, for me, and for what could have been.
So, like I said. It has been five damn years, and I am still here. I have no dreams now. I have no goals in life. I lost all of them the moment I lost you.
You are content with Harvey now and I know he will treat you well, so I am genuinely happy for you. I am glad you have found someone who will never call you boring or plain, and who will always think you are the prettiest and the nicest person on Earth, and will always want you and no one else.
So yes, I am happy that you have someone who can take care of you and protect you, to do things for you that I could never do. I know Harvey will never call you Boring Old Farm Girl or Plain Girl, so I am glad you are with him now. I do not want you to break up with him for me, of all people.
Even though I want to be with you so much that it hurts, I know Harvey is the right one for you, so all I can do now is sit here in my boring old house, all alone.
Alone, regretting all the things I have done to you. Alone, wishing I could be with you. Alone, missing you.