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“Dean, when you realized you were bi, did you just know you were bi or did it take a while to sink in?”
Dean looked up from the video game he was playing on the TV in his dorm room in surprise at Jo who was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, with her legs at an angle up the wall, ankles crossed. He paused the game and laid the controller on his stomach after he punched the pillow he had thrown on the floor earlier more firmly under his head.
“Jesus, Jo, I don’t know… I mean, I kind of always knew. Y’know?” He answered after thinking about the question for a moment. “I mean in third grade I had a crush on another boy on my baseball team, I just didn’t tell anyone… I doubt that would have went over real well. Then, in high school, it was kind of a mine field, because, let’s face it, this isn’t the most forward thinking part of the country but dad was surprisingly okay with it and Sammy was, well… you know Sam. He’s always been awesome about everything.” Dean rolled onto his side and studied his friend, “Why are you asking?”
Jo studied a lock of her blonde hair before she began to twirl it around her finger, avoiding eye contact. “I’ve just been wondering about some things lately. I guess I was just curious. And we’ve always been able to talk about everything so I knew you wouldn’t mind if I asked.”
Dean frowned at Jo in concern for a moment pulling his knees under his body and making his way over to the bed. He stayed, knelt on the carpet and rested his chin on his folded forearms placed on the edge of the bed, studying his friend. After a moment, he asked softly, “What’s up, Jo?”
Jo flopped her legs onto the bed and rolled onto her side, facing Dean. One palm curled under her cheek and her other hand lay on the comforter between the two friends. Dean watched as tears filled her big brown eyes and she blinked rapidly, trying to clear her vision. After a moment, she whispered roughly, “I think I’m broken, Dean.”
“Jo, what are you talking about?” Dean couldn’t stop the concern that was bleeding into his voice, worried that something had happened or someone had hurt Jo.
“I just… I don’t know how to explain it. I like to be with people, I like to have a relationship but its… its… its sex. I can’t….” Jo took a deep breath and rushed on, “I know you love it, obviously. And Charlie is constantly talking about some new girl she has hooked up with, but I just don’t understand it. I thought maybe if I tried…”
Jo broke off again and smiled sadly at Dean, “I tried to sleep with Marc. And it was awful.”
“Well, maybe that is because Marc is a huge douche.” Dean said, not too happy with this new info.
“He’s really not Dean. He is nice, good looking, smart… and I know I waited forever to give up my v-card but seriously, I thought maybe I was just nervous, or waiting for the right person. So I decided to just go for it because obviously everyone else around me knows something I don’t.” Jo turned her face and buried it in her hand. “Things started to get more involved. We were kissing in his room and he started touching me … and suddenly, I just realized that it was a huge mistake and I left. I don’t even know what I said to him…he hasn’t called or anything, so I’m sure he thinks I’m a crazy person now.”
Dean glowered, giving a momentary thought to killing Marc on the basis of not checking up on Jo when she was obviously upset. “You aren’t a crazy person. Maybe he just wasn’t the right guy.”
Jo looked back up at Dean, “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t want to have sex with anyone…ever.”
After a beat, she continued, “You and Charlie are always talking about sex, or pointing girls out to each other in clubs and I know you both think about it all the time. I’m saying, I never think about it. Other than thinking something is wrong with me because I don’t think about it. I can look at men, or…even women and think they are attractive in an aesthetic way, but I just can’t picture ever wanting to be with anyone that way. Ever… I want to be in a relationship, and do couple things, but who is going to want to hold hands and cuddle on the couch with me forever. I mean, who is going to ever want to be with someone like me, Dean.”
Dean appeared to be gathering his thoughts as he slid one hand forward and wrapped his fingers around the hand Jo had lain between them, “You are not broken. It isn’t written in stone anywhere that you have to have sex to be in a relationship. And, I’m not saying it is going to be easy, but somewhere there is someone who is special enough to deserve you. And that person won’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Jo shot him a watery smile. “This is a lot of feelings talk, Dean. I’m surprised you haven’t broken out in hives yet.”
“Shut up,” Dean responded.
Jo answered back, “I love you. You know that right?”
Just then the dorm room door slammed open, Charlie Bradbury, a slim, redheaded whirlwind dashed in and stopped abruptly just inside the doorway. After taking in their joined hands and Jo’s red rimmed eyes, she asked, “What the hell is going on?”
Dean exchanged a look with Jo before answering, “We were rehearsing our audition for an after school special.”
Charlie smirked, “Ha ha. You are hilarious.” She dumped her bag on the floor and bounced on the mattress next to Jo. “Spill. What’s going on?”
Dean resumed his sprawled position on the floor, reaching for his game controller as Jo sat up and criss-crossed her legs underneath herself.
After taking a deep breath, Jo said, “I was telling Dean that I don’t want to have sex. Like, ever.”
Charlie mimicked Jo’s seating position and sat facing her. “Like ever… with anyone?”
Jo nodded and looked down at her hands folded in her lap before quietly relating the Marc experience to Charlie.
“You know, that it is an actual thing right?” Charlie asked softly.
Jo looked up, confused. “What?”
“It’s called asexuality. And the community is pretty encompassing, from what I understand.” Charlie said, reaching out and tucking a strand of Jo’s hair back behind her ear.
Dean peeked over from his position on the floor and narrowed his eyes at the gesture, adding the gentle touch to a catalog of moments he had been observing over the past year. He rolled his eyes, internally lamenting how clueless the two girls were about their feelings for one another, before unpausing his game.
Charlie leaned closer to Jo and smiled, “There is a forum on Livejournal I need to show you.”