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It all starts on the roof of an abandoned building. The same ones Hawks had been flying off to instead of sleeping. He tries to pretend he isn't bothered by the whole "I'm spending more time with a villain than with most of my coworkers," but on nights like these, he can't ignore the thought.
Hawks just wanted to go curl up on his bed and forget villains or heroes ever existed. But he can't do that. He has a job to do. It's for the greater good, he repeats in his head, multiple times to keep himself sane.
Hawks lands on top of the rooftop with ease. He sees Dabi sitting on the edge, so Hawks quietly makes his way to sit next to him. Even though Hawks doesn't say anything and moves without any noise, he knows Dabi has noticed his approach. Dabi is always on high alert, hypervigilant. He wouldn't be a threat if he wasn't.
Hawks sits down and assures he puts enough distance between them. He looks over and sees his staples are slightly reflecting off some lights from other buildings. Dabi's face doesn't give him any information of what he should be expecting tonight. Hawks waits for Dabi to say something, and when he doesn't, he fills the silence himself.
"So did you call me out here to stargaze with you? Or did you have something useful to tell me." On any other night, Hawks could play Dabi's little games, but he didn't have time for this today. He didn't want to make time for it at least.
"Stop seeing the commission." Dabi says, his voice indifferent.
Okay, not what he expected. "What?"
Dabi turns and looks at Hawks. His stare unnerving and his face unreadable. "I don't need you to get information from the commission anymore."
"Why not?" Hawks tries to keep his tone uninterested, but he doesn't know if he's really successful. "I thought it was the way I could be the most of use to the league?"
"I know you're a traitor, Hawks."
Hawks can feel his heart drop and his face pale. Okay, not what he's expecting, again. Why does he even expect anything anymore?
"What are you talking about?" It comes off less like a question, and more hostile. "I've done everything you've asked me to."
"Are you really going to try that with me?" Dabi rolls his eyes and looks away from Hawks, instead he looks directly in front of him. "I found some files."
"Files?" Hawks' voice is caught in his throat. He sharpens some feathers, ready for Dabi to start attacking. But the attack doesn't come.
"I have connections. It's not like I ever believed you in the first place."
"And here I thought we had something special." Hawks drawls, trying to deflect. He doesn't know if he can get himself out of this one. What files is he talking about? What did they say about him? Hawks is preparing for an attack. Dabi is going to try to kill him, if he can't find out what was in those files, he won't be able to convince Dabi to trust him--
Dabi's voice cuts Hawks out of his thoughts. "Did you even want to be a hero. Or did you just have to be?" Dabi's tone remains flat, despite the weight of the question.
Hawks' mind is everywhere at this point. He still needs information. The mission can't go compromised with nothing useful. He can't fail; it wasn't allowed of him.
Which is exactly why he remains seated instead of flying away, or immediately fighting the other man.
"What do you mean by that?"
Dabi turns to look at him again and glares. "Can you answer one question, or am I going to just have to kill you already."
Hawks is about to ask him why he hasn't already tried to kill him, but then remembers what Dabi said.
"Of course I wanted to be a hero." Hawks avoids Dabi's gaze and looks down at some buildings below them. Hawks has no idea what Dabi wants from him. He uses past tense, because he still has a tinge of hope he could convince Dabi.
Although, hope tends to be a trivial emotion that sets him up for disappointment.
"But you're not a hero, you're a soldier. Blindly carrying orders, like the little pet you are." Dabi bites the words out with disgust leering in his tone.
Hawks doesn't flinch, but its a near thing. He's thought the same thing a couple times about himself. Not that he will ever admit that to Dabi of all people. Hawks is someone who would kill on command for the sake of his goal, or the commission's. For a better world and future.
He opens his mouth to deny, but doesn't get his chance because Dabi is already speaking again.
"You're nothing more than a bird locked in a cage. The commission will sacrifice you to get what they want." Dabi snarls. "Don't you want to be free?"
"You don't—" Hawks sees a smirk start to form on Dabi's face and fuck that was just another test wasn't it. Hawks sighs and waves his hand in the air, trying to appear nonchalant. "Freedom? Freedom is really just another way to say you have nothing worth protecting, isn't it?"
Bullshit. As if Hawks hasn't been chasing freedom at any chance he's ever had.
"I don't think you could tell anyone what freedom means." Dabi says, uninterested. Almost as if he's bored. It ticks Hawks off and he snaps.
"Oh? So you tell me then," Hawks says sarcastically. "You who is being hunted down by heroes and villains alike. You who has to stay in hiding. What is freedom then?" Hawks can't even pretend anymore. Because why the hell is Dabi talking about this with Hawks? What were in those files? Where is this even going?
Dabi starts to stand and Hawks prepares for an attack, again. He's prepared for Dabi's infamous blue fire. He's ready to counter-attack with feathers that will surely singe in the heat. He's ready to rely on his quick instincts that were around since before he began training. He's ready for a fight.
"What's the fun in giving you all the answers?" Dabi smirks at Hawks, then starts to turn around and walk away. But before he leaves completely, Dabi peaks over his shoulder. "What do you really want, Keigo?"
Hawks does flinch at that, but its not like Dabi is around to see it.
Keigo Keigo Keigo Keigo.
The name repeats like a mantra in Hawks' head.
Hawks leaves the rooftop in a haze. For once, he doesn't know what his next course of action should be. He could go to the commission, but that would be admiting he failed the mission. That he failed them.
Or, he could go back to his apartment, and see how this plays out. Maybe, the league will kill him in his sleep, if he's lucky. Although, Hawks has never been a very lucky person. Or actually, he has? I mean the commission saved him and he has a strong quirk, and he's the number two hero—
But then why does he feel like this? He feels like someone has shot him in the chest. The ache won't go away. Even as he lands in his safe apartment. The ache remains, and won't leave him alone.
(It's a cruel joke, Hawks thinks when he first moved in. The only reason why his apartment was safe at all was because he is always alone in it. Yet he still has to be accompanied by the feelings of loneliness and yearning.)
Hawks paces around his room and grips and pulls at his hair. His thoughts are running a mile a minute. Trying to decide what his next course of action should be. Going through a million scenarios to figure out which one he should try to take. What is he supposed to do?
Going to the commission feels wrong. It makes the ache in his chest grow stronger and stronger. Until he's clawing at his chest, hunched over, trying to catch his breath.
He's trying. He's trying so hard. But it's never enough.
Hawks closes his eyes, and he's so tired. He wants to get in his bed and never move from it again. He wants to stop, for one second. He wants to stop moving so goddamn fast, so he can catch up with himself and the expectations to be better, Hawks—
But he can't. He never can and probably never will. It's a dangerous idea to even think about.
He drags his feet to his bed and lays down. He sets his alarm for his morning patrol, which is in two and a half hours. Hawks can't stop the involuntary whine that rises in his throat. He'll be fine, he always is. He doesn't cry, he's never been allowed to cry. Not as a child, and not now. He drifts off thinking about the name he hasn't had in years.
A week goes by, very slowly, for Hawks.
He's been anticipating Dabi, or the league, to make a move. Anticipating the commission calling him and asking why he didn't tell them he was found out.
He didn't tell the commission. He didn't tell anyone about that night on the rooftop. He doesn't know if he could, even if he wanted to. There's too many thoughts, too much conflict going on in Hawks' head.
As he looks at himself in his bathroom mirror, he wonders how nobody has noticed he looks like shit. Or they have, and didn't want to mention it; didn't want Hawks to feel inadequate. Or it was likely they just didn't care enough.
Hawks runs a hand over his face, and let's out a heavy sigh. It's not often he gets like this. Very rarely, in fact. Hawks isn't supposed to entertain the thoughts that eat him alive. He's not supposed to have these flaws. Yet, here he is, standing in front of his bathroom mirror, watching his reflection antagonize the perfect image he's worked so hard to keep up.
He attempts a smile towards his reflection, the one the commission had to teach him. He smiles at his reflection, because for a second he was scared he would've forgotten how, again. It seems fine though, it's always been a tad bit forced, it's just slightly more pinched at the edges than usual, is all. Nothing an exaggerated wink can't distract from.
After making sure he looked presentable enough for his night shift patrol, he tore his gaze away from the mirror and walks into his living room. His thoughts are jumbled, and he tries to sort them out.
Yes, he has to be a hero. People rely on him now. He wants a world where heroes have more free time than they know what to do with. In order to do that he has to work hard right now. Even if he has no free time, even if he gets no sleep, even if he doesn't find time to eat, because it's all for the greater good. It's what he has to do. It's his purpose, it's why he even has a life worth living to begin with.
A voice whispers "Is this life really worth living?" He tries to ignore it.
The voice only grows louder.
A phone buzzing in his pocket saves the thoughts from consuming him. Not his real phone, but his burner.
His eyebrows draw together in confusion. The only person that would call him would be Dabi, but it's not like they should be on speaking terms.
He pulls out the phone out of his jacket and takes a deep breath in, and a short breath out. He answers the call with a clenched jaw.
There's silence on the other side of the line. Hawks frowns at this and wonders if this is some try at an intimidation tactic.
"Lose your tongue, birdie?" Dabi's voice mocks from the other side of the phone.
"You totally just admitted that you think I'm witty." Hawks replies, in his fake cheerful voice.
This is easy for Hawks. They've always had this banter come natural to them. Although, it wasn't supposed to be the same between them. Everything had changed, whether Hawks wanted to admit to his failure or not.
Hawks hears something close to a chuckle come from the phone. "You'd have to be smart to be witty."
Hawks begins to open his mouth to retort but the villain cuts him off.
"The abandoned factory we met up at a couple meetings ago. I hope you remember the location, because you're meeting me there in thirty minutes. If you bring any of your hero friends, I'll burn your wings off." And then the line goes dead.
Hawks blinks a couple times, not able to remove the phone from his ear.
Dabi was unpredictable, but a strategist. A hard combination to figure out. Everything Dabi did had a purpose, even if Hawks couldn't figure out which part goes where. He doubted the league knew either.
Someone who can do whatever they want, whenever they want. Someone who doesn't let anyone stop them. Someone who has their own goals and purposes and doesn't let anyone or anything influence or dictate it.
Bitterly, Hawks thinks that sounds a lot like freedom.
The abandoned factory isn't much to look at. There's rusty pipes, loose nails, and rotten floorboards. But, It gets the job done. It gives Hawks and Dabi privacy to talk about whatever Dabi plans on torturing him with.
Hawks carefully makes his way to where he sees the villain smoking a cigarette.
He walks forward, until he stands beside Dabi. Just like in the past, Hawks makes sure to stand a safe distance away from the pyromaniac. (Although, this time the distance between them is a little larger.) Hawks watches the other man intently, waiting for the mood to be set.
Of course, Dabi doesn't say anything. He doesn't seem to mind the growing tension in the air.
But Hawks does, and he hates not knowing how he should be reacting.
"Why am I here?" Hawks blurts before he can stop himself.
Dabi puffs out smoke from his cigarette and tilts his head up at the sky. "You have nothing you can gain from me right now."
Hawks' wings twitch in irritation. Not directly aimed towards the villain, but towards the unknowns of just about everything. Another small pause.
"Did you tell the league?" Hawks asks. Digging for information even still.
"No."
Hawks' eyebrows raise in apprehension. "Why?"
"They're just a means to an end." Comes Dabi's short reply. Always so vague.
"Well, what does that make me?" Hawks watches the other man from the corner of his eye.
Dabi considers his question with a thoughtful expression. "I don't know." Is all he says.
Okay, what the fuck does that mean?
Why is Hawks doing this? Why is he seeking refuge in a villain? He's supposed to be a hero--
He's supposed to be their hero.
And that's what the whole problem stems from, isn't it?
"I—" Hawks starts to speak but he doesn't really know where to start.
Dabi looks at him and raises his eyebrows. Silently urging him to continue. Hawks bites his lip and looks down at the ground. Then, he realizes showing weakness and being hesitant, probably, isn't the best thing to do in front of a villain who, probably, wants to kill him. So, he looks back up and matches Dabi's gaze.
"Aw, it sounds like you care about me." He puts an exaggerated hand on his heart.
Dabi immediately scowls. "What did I say about the bullshit, Hawks." He shakes his head, but his eyes don't leave Hawks.
Hawks swallows and fights the urge to hide away from Dabi's eyes, again.
"Well? You aren't telling your buddies whatever information you found on those files. That sounds like you're, dare I say, protecting me." Hawks keeps his voice light, but he knows there's a lot of silent questions he's asking. By the way Dabi presses his lips in a thin line, he knows too.
After a moment of silence they look away from each other, and Dabi takes another drag from his cigarette.
"What did you find in my files?" Hawks asks, trying to emulate the calmness radiating from the other man standing next to him.
Dabi snorts at the question. "A shit ton of dirty secrets about the Number Two Hero."
Hawks tenses and fights the urge to put a hand over his eyes and scream in frustration.
"Which dirty secrets? I kind of have a lot to keep up with at this point." Hawks says, tone as bright as he can manage.
Hawks can't show weakness right now. He can't. He needs to try and convince Dabi that he doesn't care; that this doesn't bother him. He swallows and his adam's apple bobs.
Dabi shakes his head and grunts. "I said 'about' the Number Two Hero, not that they were his dirty secrets to carry." Then Dabi's eyes widen comically and he adds on a weak "or whatever."
Hawks whips his head around so fast back towards Dabi, surprised by his words. Dabi grinds his teeth and his face looks awkward. An unfamiliar expression Hawks doesn't think he's seen before.
Unpredictable and a strategist, Hawks' brain reminds.
"Don't look so surprised. Why would I defend the goddamn Hero Commission? I'm a villain, Hawks." Dabi says, still with that unfamiliar expression on his face. His eyes are looking at the side of Hawks' face and the corner of one of his lips is turned down.
It looks an awful lot like a pout.
And despite the subject matter, despite the fact it seems like Hawks' life has been turned upside down, despite the fact Hawks has been downright miserable. He laughs.
Maybe, it's because Hawks has finally felt something other than unease or that ache or that numbness.
"Your face! Dabi!" Hawks says in between his laughing fit. "Oh my god it looked so soft!" Hawks will regret that comment later, but he's still relishing in his slight hysteria.
"Shut up, before I push you off this building." Dabi mutters.
"I have wings!" Hawks wheezes out.
"Not if I burn them off!" Dabi turns so his full body is facing the hero, and moves slightly closer without realizing. His tone says anger, but his face says something different entirely.
Hawks smiles, a small but genuine smile. "C'mon Dabs," Hawks interrupts himself with a small huff of laughter and straightens his position again. "That was cute."
Dabi rolls his eyes and glares at the scenery in front of them. He drops his cigarette and his boot crushes it in the ground. "I've literally killed people." Dabi says, his tone less monotone and more exasperated.
"Yeah, well I have too, hot stuff." Hawks sighs and his wings slightly droop. His good mood sours.
"I was going to kill you. That night on the roof."
Hawks isn't surprised, "Why didn't you?" That was something Hawks had been wondering about for a while.
Dabi mumbles something in reply, but it can't be heard by the hero.
"Didn't quite catch that, Dabs."
Dabi sighs. "You looked tired." He grumbles, slightly louder this time.
Hawks blinks, slowly. "Huh?"
Dabi sighs louder this time, irritated. "You look like shit." Hawks opens his mouth to retort with something but Dabi cuts him off. "You shouldn't look like shit." He says in a softer tone.
Hawks mouth is still open, and he tilts his head like he's trying to figure out a puzzle. Is this Dabi trying to show worry or that maybe he might care about—
No, he's a villain. Why would he care?
But that's still more concern someone has ever showed towards the hero. He thinks about his thoughts, when he was staring at his reflection in his bathroom mirror.
"Thanks." Hawks says, genuinely. Dabi's face shows confusion so Hawks continues the train of thought. "For not ignoring it, I mean." That sounds embarrassing, so Hawks does a small laugh. "You're actually sounding like you care about me, its very heartwarming." Hawks deflects.
"You shouldn't have to thank someone for that. Especially a villain for fucks sake." Dabi pauses. "Did you think about it?"
He's referring to the night on the roof.
What do you really want, Keigo?
"Yeah. I've always wanted to work fast and hard right now, so that other heroes don't have to later down the line. Where it's not such a demanding job." Hawks says, honestly. Which is weird considering all the times he's had to lie to the other man.
"You want to save other heroes, from having your life." Dabi summarizes, unimpressed.
That sounds pathetic when you put it that way. Hawks grimaces, "What's it to you?" He asks, a little defensively.
"That doesn't really answer the question." Dabi looks at the hero, a serious expression paints his features. "What do you really want? Not for society, not for others. What do you want?"
And—
Hawks doesn't know. He doesn't know what he wants.
It must show on his face because Dabi's expression falls slightly. "That's what happens," Dabi starts, as he looks away from Hawks. "When someone pushes their wants and ambitions on you, that's what happens." Dabi talks like its personal to him somehow. He talks as if this physically pains him. Hawks eyes flicker down at his scars. Maybe, it does, Hawks thinks.
Hawks thinks, not for the first time, who were you before you were Dabi? Though this time he thinks it for an entirely different reason. Not for the sake of his mission.
What happened to you? Who hurt you?
Hawks clears his throat, careful not to let his emotions show too much in his voice. "What about you, Dabi? What do you want?"
"Freedom and revenge." Dabi grins, wide and mischievously. A glint in his eye shows he has a motivation nobody might fully know the extent of.
Hawks hums thoughtfully. Why does Dabi have to be a villain for either of those things? A question to be stored for later.
"Freedom. We talked about it before..." Hawks trails off. He winces at his uncertainty.
Dabi snorts. "Yeah, like how you don't know what freedom is." He says it with no malice, just playfully teasing.
Hawks appreciates that, maybe he's trying to recover some of the semblance of the good mood from earlier. He can go off that. "Sorry sorry sorry, I guess that's what happens when you're raised by the government."
He goes with, slight, dark humor. Dabi looks and speaks like a true edgelord, and you don't get scars like that from a childhood from too many hugs. Dabi will appreciate it, he thinks so anyway.
Dabi laughs at that. Hawks made the correct assumption, it seems.
"God, Hawks, you're fucked up." But Dabi has a small smile on his face. Less feral this time.
"We make the perfect match then." Hawks leans forward, now closer to the other, and bats his eyelashes.
Dabi also leans forward. "I guess we do, birdie."
They are now considerably closer. The added distance Hawks put between them forgotten. They're a mere foot away from each other. Hawks flushes slightly at the proximity and words.
"You'll get to keep your wings this time, pretty bird." Dabi takes a step back and turns away from the hero. "Maybe, you should fly away from the government that raised you." He begins to leave Hawks alone in the abandoned factory.
Dabi says it like it would be an easy thing to do. If it was, he would've done it years ago. Probably. Maybe.
Hawks takes a step in the direction Dabi is walking.
This is really stupid.
But Hawks doesn't really care; not right now. Because Hawks doesn't want to be left in this goddamn factory. He doesn't want to watch Dabi leave. He doesn't want everything to be over. Not yet.
He wants to hold on to this a little longer.
"Dabi—wait one second!" Hawks yells, and takes a couple more steps towards the other.
Dabi stops for a couple seconds, before he turns to face the hero.
"What?" Dabi asks his eyes scanning Hawks' face. Searching. Hawks falters, he didn't really think ahead. Just acted on impluse.
Fuck it.
"I don't want to be a villain," Hawks exclaims.
Dabi pauses and then starts to laugh. He puts a hand over his mouth to stifle them. "Yeah, I know that." He removes his hand and reveals a smile, a genuine one.
"I still want to be a hero, just not their hero, yknow? Not a soldier."
Hawks doesn't show his reluctant side, he has always masked it with an overconfident attitude and big smiles. But right now, he puts his guard down. He doesn't know how bad of a thing that will prove to be.
"So," Dabi pauses, his smile contorts to a more somber expression. "So, we'll go back to hero and villain then."
Hawks tilts his head at the other man and scrunches his face. Dabi barks out a quick laugh at this.
"What's with the face, birdie?" There's a certain amount of fondness in his tone that Hawks latches onto.
"I don't want that," Hawks tells him earnestly.
"We can't really avoid it."
Hawks huffs, "You're the one who asked what I wanted and I gave my answer." He crosses his arms and gives him a, half heartedly, pointed look. "I don't want to blindly follow orders. I don't want to be the hero that ignores the flaws in hero society. I'm not saying your, well methods, are agreeable. I just—"
Dabi swiftly walks over and cuts Hawks off with his lips now pressed against the other's. Hawks freezes for a short moment, mostly in shock, but soon enough his instincts kick in and he returns the chaste kiss. Dabi pulls away after a short moment. Too short in Hawks' humble opinion.
"You talk too much, pretty bird." Dabi says, of course, of course, not able to keep one dumb comment to himself.
"That's all you, hot stuff." Hawks can't say he doesn't return the favor more times than not.
"You're the one who wants me." Dabi's insufferable smirk is back.
"I never said that, actually."
"So, you don't then." Dabi starts to back away.
Hawks grabs his arm. "I never said that either."
"This is going to create a lot of problems for you, hero." For once Dabi doesn't say hero like its an insult, more teasing.
"Yeah, well story of my life." Hawks shakes his head. "You know I want to leave the Hero Commission's control, so that means a problem or two would be unavoidable? I mean, especially since I still want to be a hero, just not constantly carrying their orders or..." Hawks stops his rambling when his brain starts to catch up again.
Dabi nods his head. "This is probably the dumbest and most risky thing you could've wanted though."
Hawks throws his head back and laughs loudly. "Yeah, I know."
"You should want more." Dabi says, quietly.
Hawks tilts his head back down, so he can get a clear view of Dabi's face. His face is conflicted, he looks startled. Hawks moves his hand from where it rested previously on Dabi's bicep to his hand. His hand is cold, too cold for someone with a strong fire quirk. Hawks interlocks their fingers and watches as Dabi looks down at their joined hands. Hawks does too.
"You know my name and called me by it." Hawks feels Dabi's eyes flicker up at him. "That's actually more familiar than how anyone else has ever addressed me." Hawks huffs out a laugh, one that is slightly pained.
"Keigo."
Hawks slowly raises his eyes to meet Dabi's.
"Keigo." Dabi repeats and his other hand hesitantly reaches up toward Hawks' face. Before his hand can make contact with Hawks' cheek, he stops. Dabi's eyes are asking him a silent question. Can I? Do you want this?
Hawks nods giving him permission. He closes his eyes as Dabi's cold hand brushes against his cheek.
"Touya." Dabi whispers, so quietly Hawks almost wondered if he was meant to hear it. But he was, because Hawks notices the way Dabi's hand squeezes his anxiously. Hawks copies the motion, offering comfort.
"Touya," Hawks whispers back. He smiles and leans further into the hand that was holding his cheek. He notices that his hand was warmer now, but nowhere near anything that would burn him. The thought of Dabi—no Touya warming his hand up slightly, just so Hawks isn't bothered by the coldness, makes Hawks' chest feel fuzzy.
Anyone in passing would catch a glimpse of the pair and see Hawks: The Winged Hero and the villain Dabi. But in the dingy warehouse were the reminisces of Touya and Keigo. Two people desperately trying to gain back what they lost.
Keigo wants to save him.