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Katelyn doesn’t consider herself a violent person, but right now she’s about two seconds away from stabbing the fumbling intern in front of her right in the eye. She takes a deep breath, willing the urge away, and tries for a reassuring smile.
“It’s okay, I can just get the results from the lab technician if you can’t find them,” she says. It’s definitely not okay, if this intern (Dave? Is that his name?) wants to actually get through residency he’s going to have to learn how to keep track of things.
“I’m-- I’m so sorry I’ll get them for you and leave them with the nurse. Is that okay? I’m really so sorry, I don’t know how I got them mixed up I--”
“Hey,” Katelyn interrupts Dave(?)’s blubbering. “It’s all good. I’ll get them, I’m sure you have other things to do.”
Dave smiles gratefully, if not a bit tearfully, and hurries down the hallway, no doubt late for rounds somewhere. As a third-year pediatric resident, Katelyn has her own routine down to a tee, but right now all she’s concerned about is leaving the hospital on time. Aaron’s home, well, Aaron’s in her apartment. He was finally able to take some time off from his own residency in Boston so that they could spend Valentine’s day together in Chicago. And Katelyn is… excited. And nervous. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which feeling is stronger. It’s been a while since they’ve seen each other, the last time being on New Year’s day, and she had to leave that morning to get back to Chicago.
They had both known that getting matched to residencies in different states would be difficult, but the first two years had sort of just flown by, both of them struggling to stay sane with the lack of sleep and stressful schedules meant that they had little time to really miss each other. But in their third year, with reasonable working hours and actual free time every now and then, it’s been… tense. It’s just because they actually have time to breathe, to wish the other person was there. And Katelyn knows Aaron feels it too because every time they talk on the phone, there’s this weird energy that makes it feel like they’re holding something back from each other.
Katelyn hates it.
She takes a deep breath. It’s going to be okay. It’s temporary. Her watch mocks her with the time, 6:30 pm. Aaron let himself into her apartment three hours ago, and she won’t be able to join him for another hour. Thankfully, things pick up enough for her to be suitably distracted for the time left on her shift, and then she’s half-running to her car and going a little too much over the speed limit on the drive home.
Her hesitation before opening the door surprises her. It’s just Aaron. Her beautiful, sweet, kind, loving Aaron. She should be happily jumping in his arms by now. But instead, she’s here, frozen in front of her own front door. She should have planned for this, should have had something for them to do. Oh god, was it going to be awkward? Fuck fuck fuck--
The door swings open, and she’s actually grateful for the interruption to her spiraling. Aaron is standing in the doorway in grey sweatpants and a rumpled PSU sweatshirt looking soft and sleepy and so cute that all of Katelyn’s unease melts away.
“Hey,” she breathes, feeling a little silly.
Aaron rubs a hand over his face and frowns slightly. “Hey. Were you just standing out here? I heard you get to the door like… minutes ago. Did you lose your key or something?”
Katelyn shakes her head and steps forward into his space. “No, I was just… nothing.” She presses a kiss to his cheek, relishing in his warmth. She rests her forehead against the side of his face. “Did you just wake up?”
He nods his head minutely, turning to place his forehead against hers. They stand there like that for a few moments before Aaron steps back into the apartment, pulling Katelyn in with him. She’s the one that’s been at the hospital all day, but he seems so tired . Not enough for Katelyn to probe about it too much, but enough for a small twinge of concern to make itself known in her gut. Unfortunately, her gut is usually right when it’s worried about something but she plans on ignoring it for now.
“You want dinner? I can order something or we can make something even though I’m not sure I have much to work with, it’s been a while since I went to the store.” She peeks into her fridge and is met by a sad, half-empty jar of pasta sauce and a carton of eggs. She stands aside to present the state of affairs to Aaron.
Aaron shrugs apologetically. “I already ate, sorry. I picked something up at the airport and just ate the leftovers. I figured you’d have eaten by now.”
It’s only 7:45, and they’ve definitely eaten much later than that in the past, but Katelyn decides to let it go. Something is definitely up, but she can wait until Aaron wants to talk about it. She tries not to focus too hard on how they haven’t kissed properly yet and how Aaron won’t really make eye contact with her. Instead, she takes a deep breath (she’s lost count of how many of those she’s needed today) and smiles.
“Okay, babe, no worries. I’ll make an egg or something, we can save the good food for tomorrow! I thought about making reservations a little too late, and by the time I did, everything was completely booked for Valentine’s day, so I thought we could buy groceries and just make a nice dinner ourselves?”
She’d definitely been more than a little frustrated about that, but she’s always underestimated just how crazy people get around the all-important “V Day.” She’d given more than one maitre d’ an earful that day before eventually admitting defeat and accepting that she and Aaron would just have to fend for themselves.
Aaron nods distractedly, fixing his gaze on a point just above Katelyn’s shoulder. It’s frustrating when he’s like this, bottling up his feelings and avoiding her knowing gaze. But Katelyn knows better than to try to pry open his shell when all he wants to do is clam up.
“Let me make the food,” he offers after a moment. “I should’ve— just let me make you something.”
Katelyn bites her lip, willing herself not to just snap and force him to talk to her. It’s a close call. “Are you sure?”
“You hate cooking,” is all he says. Which… true. So Katelyn sits down and watches Aaron move around the kitchen. He seems to relax into it a little bit more, even though the silence stretching over the moment is palpable.
Aaron fries up a few eggs and toasts some bread, setting a plate in front of Katelyn before sitting down next to her while she eats. He tells her a bit about his flight, updates her about the asshole chief attending who always seems to have it out for him. For a little bit, it almost feels like the tension might be easing up.
Katelyn washes her dishes quickly before asking, “Do you want to watch a movie? I was on the phone with Neil yesterday and he mentioned this slasher film that--”
“I’m gonna go to bed, I think,” Aaron interrupts softly. He’s staring at his hands. “I’m really tired.”
Katelyn’s chest squeezes with the exertion it takes to restrain herself from just asking him what’s wrong. It doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. Aaron just closes himself off more if she presses too much, but she trusts him to open up to her when he’s ready.
“Okay, babe,” she says, reaching out to gently squeeze one of Aaron’s hands. He doesn’t pull away, and she counts that as a win. “I love you,” she adds quickly, because she hasn’t said it today and even if he is being weird as hell right now, it’s still true.
He swallows and meets her gaze, finally . “I love you, too,” he whispers, before giving her a small smile and heading into the bedroom.
Once he’s gone, Katelyn forces her body to relax. It’s always been quick to tense up, and she can feel the strain in her shoulders that’s been there the whole day. She focuses on her breathing to center herself, refusing to give in to the doubts that are working hard to make themselves known. Nope.
Sometimes, Katelyn thinks her body isn’t big enough for what she’s feeling. When she was little, her mom would tell her that her heart was twice as big as everyone else’s, that she just had so much love to give. And that always made sense, because she’s always felt so much. But as she got older, Katelyn realized that it didn’t just happen with love, she felt everything too much sometimes. Fear, when she’d convince herself that there were monsters under her bed. Hurt, when she’d learned that her two best friends in middle school were hanging out secretly without her. Anger, when her parents wouldn’t let her go on her senior trip in high school because they didn’t trust the people she was going with (a good call, in hindsight).
But then she met Aaron, and suddenly she was so grateful that she was capable of feeling this much, because here was this beautiful boy who was just aching to be loved and Katelyn had so much of it to give. And despite all the rocky starts and broken promises, they’d made it and together they’d built something to fight for.
And that’s why, no matter what Aaron is feeling or going through right now, Katelyn’s going to be there. That’s never up for debate. And she has a feeling Aaron knows that.
She watches some mindless TV to wind down from her day before showering and getting into bed next to a snoring Aaron. She waits for her eyes to get accustomed to the dark before tracing the lines of his face over and over, finally falling asleep somewhere around where Aaron’s neck meets his jaw.
__
The first thought Katelyn has when she wakes up is ‘it’s Valentine’s day.’ It’s not something she’s ever been super jazzed about, even with Aaron they usually keep it pretty lowkey. But this Valentine’s day, she is determined to make it special. Neither of them has any kind of work to do, so it’s going to be a good fucking day.
It’s still early, and Aaron will likely not be awake for another two or three hours, so Katelyn slips out of bed and changes quietly. She makes her way to the small grocery store that’s just down the block from her apartment and finally gets some real food for her fridge. Then she stops by her favorite cafe and grabs some coffee and pastries to wake Aaron up with.
She’s back in her apartment within an hour, and sure enough, Aaron is still fast asleep. She places the coffee and a croissant on the bedside table before sneaking back into bed. She can’t quite bring herself to wake Aaron up yet, not when the morning sun is hitting him like that making him glow like an angel. Katelyn doesn’t think there’ll ever be a day she’ll look at Aaron and not feel butterflies. She smiles to herself, reaching out to gently poke Aaron’s cheek with her finger. When he doesn’t react, she does it again and again until he finally stirs, mumbling something incoherent as he slowly blinks his eyes open.
And for a perfect moment, he just stares back at her and it feels like nothing has ever been wrong, like they’re the only two people in the world. There is only love, sacred and beautiful and endless love, in this room. But then Katelyn watches as the tension slowly seeps back into Aaron’s relaxed frame and she wants to reach out and grab it with her bare hands.
Instead, she says, “I got us sustenance.”
Aaron’s brow furrows as he turns to his side. He observes the cooling coffee and the pastry wrapper before letting his head fall back on the pillow. He rubs his hands over his face and sighs loudly.
“You’re so nice,” he murmurs, and Katelyn wonders if he really meant for her to hear him at all. “How are you so fucking nice?”
Katelyn laughs, more than used to Aaron’s confusion when she does randomly nice things for him. For someone who is quite fond of romantic gestures himself, Aaron is pretty bad at receiving them. “You make it sound like a bad thing. Happy Valentine’s day, love.”
But Aaron isn’t playing, he keeps his hands firmly planted over his face, not saying anything. It takes Katelyn a moment to notice the slight shaking of his shoulders. Aaron’s crying. She moves faster than she can think, kneeling next to him and gently pulling his wrists towards her so she can see his face. Aaron’s always been quick to cry, but usually there’s some build-up to it, it’s never quite like this.
“Aaron? Baby? Please talk to me, please. It’s okay, you’re okay,” Katelyn soothes, wiping the tears off his face.
It takes about twenty minutes and a lot of Aaron shaking his head before she can get him to sit up and look her in the eye.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. The tear tracks on his face are still visible, but his breathing has evened out and he finally seems ready to actually talk.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” Katelyn tells him firmly. “But are you ready to tell me what’s going on?”
Aaron huffs out a breath and runs his hands through his hair. “I should be sorry. “I was a dick last night, and you didn’t even say anything and then you went and got us food and it’s Valentine’s day and we haven’t seen each other in months and I--”
“Aaron,” Katelyn interrupts the rant. “You weren’t a dick last night. It’s-- I know we’re both tired. And yeah, it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. And it sucks, but we have to be able to talk to each other about it. Without hating ourselves, or each other for that matter.”
Aaron looks miserable when he says, “I just feel like I’m… not enough right now. I just— even though the hours at the hospital are more normal, the cases I’m working on sometimes feel impossible. And I’ve still got so many years to go because of course I picked neuro, the longest fucking residency possible. And I hate being far away from you, and I feel like I’m never present enough for you, and— and I don’t understand why you’re even still with me at this point.”
He rushes that last part out under his breath, but Katelyn catches it and holds onto it. The heart of the issue. “What the fuck, Aaron? Do you seriously feel that way?”
“Of course I feel that way!” Aaron snaps. “You deserve someone who can actually be there for you and support you and I--” his voice breaks, “I’m just not strong enough to be what you need. I’m so tired and bogged down by work and I-- you deserve better than that.”
It’s not the first time Aaron has said something like this. When they were in college, Aaron had panicked and broken up with Katelyn. The break-up lasted barely a day before Andrew dragged Aaron to Katelyn’s door and left them with a succinct order to “talk, you idiots.” And they had talked, and they’d gotten through it. Aaron had apologized over and over, and committed to working on the part of himself that never felt like he was enough. And he had, and Katelyn did her best to be the most reassuring and supportive girlfriend possible.
But that part of Aaron isn’t quite gone yet. Life has taught Aaron some lies about his worth and what he deserves, and while Katelyn wishes she could magically make him see just how much he deserves, that’s not how it works. What she can do, however, is talk some sense into him.
She looks at her beautiful, idiotic boyfriend for a full minute before she responds. “Aaron Minyard. I love you so very much, and I think you are a very smart man.” She pauses. “But that is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard you say.”
Aaron deflates a bit. “I don’t--”
“Nope, still talking,” Katelyn interjects. “I’m busy too. I miss you too. I forget to call sometimes, I fall asleep before texting you goodnight sometimes. I’m not always present on calls either. Does that mean I’m not enough for you?”
He looks at her like she’s crazy. “Of course not, but…” he trails off uncertainly, and Katelyn knows she’s gotten through to him.
She scoots forward to straddle his lap and cups his face in her hands. “Aaron. I have never felt more loved by anyone else in the whole wide world. You are my sunshine in the morning, my sanctuary at night. You make me so happy, even when you’re miles away from me. There’s never going to be anyone else but you. So please, before you go and say you’re not enough for me, try and remember that okay?”
Tears fill his eyes again, but Aaron’s finally smiling and Katelyn’s heart soars. “You’re so cheesy,” he teases halfheartedly. And then, quietly, “I love you.”
Katelyn laughs a little bit in relief and kisses his forehead. “That means you love my cheese, too.” And then she leans down and finally kisses him properly, relishing in the warmth of his body and the security of his arms wrapped around her waist. When she pulls away, Aaron follows her, his eyes still closed.
When he opens them again, he stares up at her for a few moments before settling back against the headboard. “I missed that so much,” he sighs. “This year has been so shit. I thought that the first year would be the hardest one, that we’d adjust to being apart. But I feel like it’s just getting worse.” His arms tighten around Katelyn’s waist. “I miss you so fucking much.”
“I know.”
“All the time, Kate.”
“I know, love.”
“It’s the same for me, you know that, right?” Suddenly Aaron looks worried again. “You’re it for me, Kate. It’s like-- life is so dull, but you make everything brighter. You make me feel safe. You’re like my own personal guardian angel. And I don’t even believe in those, really.” He looks up at her with something like wonder in his eyes. “If you were church, I think I might actually believe in something bigger, you know?”
Katelyn feels her cheeks flush at his words. “Now who’s being cheesy?”
“I mean it,” he insists. “Some days, you’re all I believe in.”
Katelyn has to take a deep breath to tame the rush of love and affection that is threatening to explode inside her. She rests her forehead against Aaron’s and feels them both relax into the touch. Any tension or weirdness between them is finally gone, and even though she knows things won’t be perfect, they’ll always get through things together.
“The distance is temporary,” she whispers into his hair. “You and me though? We’re forever.”
Aaron smiles at her, for real this time. Katelyn wants to reach for her phone to take a picture but that would mean moving and she isn’t about to do that, so she settles for a mental picture instead.
Later, they’ll drink their cold coffee and eat too many croissants. Katelyn will insist on making a big deal about Valentine’s day and Aaron will tease her but secretly love it even more than she does. They’ll make something edible for dinner (meaning Aaron will cook while Katelyn distracts him relentlessly), drinking cheap champagne but getting drunk off of kisses and laughter.
But right now, Katelyn is content to stay right here in Aaron’s arms, the safest place she’s ever known. Forever.