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WARNING, CONTENT AHEAD INCLUDES: DESCRIPTION OF VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF BLOOD, MENTIONS OF PASSING OUT (a warning will be placed before and after that section of text)
There's been something festering inside Niki for quite some time. Anger that she can't seem to stomp out. She guesses its always been there, like an ember that burns inside her, but, looking back, she notices how it has grown over her time here
Truth be told, Niki didn't really want to join the revolution. But Wilbur was nothing if not a man of words. Of charms that even Niki couldn't help but fall for. He promised her peace and a home and she fell for it. He and Tommy had picked her up from spawn, and it was hard to miss the brothership that existed between them. They showed her around and spoke of the whole with such pride that Niki couldn't help but notice the beauty of the area around her. She met the other members of this country Wilbur spoke so proudly of - Jack, Tubbo and Fundy (who she later found out was Wilbur's son) - and met their enemies too - Dream, Sapnap and Eret.
The first time the ember turned into a flame was during the pet wars. Fungi - the fox gifted to her by Fundy - was killed on accident. This marked the first death of the pet war. Niki watched as the other on the server suffered the same pain she had. She noticed the look in Tommy's eyes when he heard about his cow, Henry, and saw the fire that burned in him. She remembers Tommy's face as she raved about what Sapnap had done, and she remembers him flooding Sapnap's house in retaliation for what he'd done. She remembers when they took her hostage, she remembers him trying to distract them, lead them away so she could escape. She remembers herself and Fundy stealing all the pets and hiding them away, she remembers the dual, and Fundy losing. She remembers it all and the fuel it added a flame to her embers.
She remembers the flame turning into a fire when Schlatt wins the election. Propped up by Quackity's party, Schlatt is propelled into the presidency. Niki watches in anger and horror as the two people who brought her to this country - the country they built from the ground up - are forced off. She watches as Wilbur loses his second life and how Tommy is not even allowed to look back and mourn. She lets her anger fester in L'm- Manberg. She speaks out against Schlatt and is punished for it. She shouts and berates and raises her voice to be heard and each time it is stomped out and ignored. She watches Fundy burn the L'Manberg flag, her flag, with Eret. She lets her anger consume her and she turns her back on him, screaming about betrayal. She lets the fire out and burns down Fundy's replacement flag. She smiles in the embers and the fire inside her quietens momentarily.
She lets the anger burn as Tubbo is executed by their supposed ally and then again as she listens to Wilbur berate his brother over Tubbo's death. She hears about his plan to blow up everything she's fought for. She listens to him mock his younger brother's grief and she burns when Tommy is shoved into the pit, facing off against the literal blood god. She burns when Tubbo sacrifices for Tommy and forgives Technoblade for him losing his second life. She watches Wilbur lose it slowly. She tries to shield Tommy and Tubbo, she really does, but she's young too. She doesn't know what she's doing either. And when Tommy flinches around Wilbur or when another bruise appears on his skin, she burns like a wildfire. She wants to lash out, to scream and kick and kill but she knows that will not help. She knows she has to hold Tubbo through a nightmare and coax Tommy into eating - "for strength," she whispers, but they both know her tone is not asking but begging. The three stick together, promising to revive their L'manburg and keep it safe from Tommy's brothers.
She burns as she looks at Wilbur - the man who brought her here, who she knows, in other circumstances, she could've loved - threatens to blow up Manberg on her birthday. She is silent as they sing and dance around her party, saying nothing. Wilbur's got that look that Niki recognises, the look of madness. - "I'm gonna blow up Manburg." - and she knows he means it. They talk him down and Niki returns home close to tears. Tubbo is asleep but Tommy is gone. He comes home late and slips into her room, quietly, expecting her to be asleep. She's not but she knows he wants her to be so she pretends. He places a small god ring on the table. It's tied to a piece of string and a note is left beside it. He hovers for a moment before silently leaves again. -I'm sorry you have to look after us all the time, I hope your birthday party was fun! -Big T and Mr Innit. - she burns at whoever makes them feel like childhood is a burden. (A part of her, an ugly part, wants to burn them because she's a kid too).
The final battle between L'Manburg and Pogtopia is the beginning of the end if she's honest with herself. Watching your close friend blow up an entire nation just because he could be not something Niki ever wanted to deal with. She doesn't think about how he had elected Tubbo to be president of a mass grave (or how it was originally meant to be Tommy). She tries not to think about Techno releases two withers on a 16-year-old because he feels betrayed. She does think about how Tommy, in the face of death, grabbed his sword and fight - "It's not gone yet!" - and that's all it takes. They raise their swords and the withers are dead. She refuses to think about anyone else who might be dead. The fire in her roars as she's elected to the government of a hole, a crater that was caused by the very person who built the country in the first place. She watches as the children are forced to be adults and there is nothing she can do about it. Maybe that's when she turns her back on the country that raised her and she raised in return.
There are moments, however, where the fire in her brings warmth and not destruction. Puffy brings out those moments. Puffy shows her love and hope. She takes her hand and holds her when she's tired of being strong. The go on a date. Puffy goes above and beyond for her, with wine and cake. They build their flower shop together and Niki lets herself feel a warmth she hasn't felt in years spread over her. When Puffy gives her the promise ring, she is happy. She is so incredibly happy it hurts.
When Tommy is exiled, Niki convinces herself to not pity him. He made a mistake, he's suffering the consequences. (She doesn't think about the amount of 'consequences' he's already faced). She believes it'll be good for him. That he'll learn a lesson about destruction and consequences. She decides, when his sentence is done, she'll maybe show him around her new underground city.
She changes her mind when she sees the community house. She rages again. How dare he. How dare he destroy something that was here before him. She watches as he comes to his own defence and then watches as he pounces on Tubbo. She doesn't see his grey eyes or bruised body, she just sees his swinging axe and enchanted armour. She rages as he prioritises the stupid disk again - "THE DISKS WERE WORTH MORE THAN YOU EVER WERE!". There's a sick satisfaction welling within her when she sees Tubbo give Dream Mellohi. 'Good,' she thinks. 'Maybe now he'll learn.' Her rage increases again when Dream turns on Tubbo. It's Tommy's fault, she convinces herself. Tommy drags Tubbo into every mess, every war and he doesn't care about the boy, just sees him as an annoying sidekick (part of her is screaming that it's not true but she wants to believe it, so she will)
When L'Manburg falls, she laughs. She laughs because she is sick of being the caring one. She's sick of caring and never being cared for in return. Of giving and giving and never getting anything in return. She lets the fire spread and laughs in its destruction. She watches the tree they planted burn - "it was never meant to be" - and it's true. L'Manburg has lost its meaning. It lost its meaning after the election. This is its last canon life and she is done protecting it. She laughs as she sees Tommy and Tubbo fight for a country that died long ago. She feels at peace with the fire. She stops fighting only when she hears ghostbur's cries to she realise what she's done but she's not sorry. She's not sorry but she flees anyway.
She and Jack talk. She realises she's not the only one who was forgotten by L'Manburg's history. She's angry. She's seething with anger. She's sacrificed everything for a country that never loved her back. Who gave everything to the other kids, to Wilbur, but never to her. Never to Jack. Never to Fundy. She decides if she can't blame the country, she can blame the people. She can blame Tommy. After everything he has done, all the conflict he has caused. She directs her flames at him because there's no one else. No place else.
They use Tubbo as a scapegoat. Part of her feels bad, Tommy is his best friend, but most of her doesn't care. Tubbo is making nukes and Tubbo trusts Jack Manifold so why should they not use this opportunity. It Niki's job to lure him there and she's so close. She's got him twenty blocks away and they miss it because he won't shut up about some dumb childish movie. She wants to scream. She was so close. She meets up with Jack, who screams at her for her carelessness. The flame inside her burns and she wants nothing more than to walk right over there and kill the boy but she doesn't. She burns that night and travels to an empty forest. Her hands crave the destruction because its the only thing she's ever known, the only constant. She burns the forest to the ground and her eyes are glued to the flames that dance.
When she returns home, she sees Puffy in the doorway. There's a soft smile but its overshadowed by the conflicted look in her eyes. She doesn't pry though. Not yet. She makes dinner and serves it down and Puffy gives her a grateful smile. They eat and chat and laugh, just allowing themselves to exist in each other's space. They discuss little things, the shop, a date, dinner. They don't rush it or force it. Niki feels that familiar warmth and thinks that she could get used to this. But she knows she has to ask
"Puffy, are you okay?" Puffy is taken aback for a moment before letting out a soft chuckle.
"It has been a... tough few days. Bad seems to have gone all... dictator and tyrant-like. He trapped Sam in the egg for goodness sake!" Her voice is high as the words seem to just fall out of her mouth without thought. "And there's so much pain and anguish on the server." She sighs and reaches across, taking Niki's hand. "It's just so heartbreaking to see what you and all those poor kids went through." Something in Niki burns. She knows it's dumb and Puffy would never mean to harm her deliberately but the sentence 'her and those kids' lights a match. Her and those kids. Like they're separate. Like she wasn't practically a kid too. It's stupid and she knows its stupid (part of her recognises that she's just looking for an excuse to be angry but she doesn't care. She pulls her hand away from Puffy's as her soft smile turns to scowl.
"I was a kid too." Puffy is blinked at her, looking into her eyes and seeing the seething flames there.
"W-what?" Niki is staring at her with a cold look that Puffy swears could kill.
"I was a kid too."
"Of course I know that, Nik-"
"No! No, you don't! No one ever understands that I was a kid too!"
"Niki, please just-"
"No! I see how you look at Tommy and Tubbo like they're some poor helpless lambs! Like they didn't deserve everything it is they got! Like the don't deserve everything that's coming to them!"
"Niki please, I know you're angry-"
"I'm not angry, I'm in pain! I've been in pain for years and no one has ever come to save me! Not Wilbur, who went crazy and got himself killed, not Eret or Fundy, who have both betrayed me at some point. No one has been there!"
"Niki, I'm here, you know that!" Puffy is trying to get close to her but Niki refuses.
"No, you're not! You literally don't care about anyone but those kids! They're not the only ones who need help!"
"Niki, I know that you know I know that. Please, we can talk about this, together, you and me-"
"I'm going to kill Tommy." There it is. The secret she's been hiding from her fiancé for weeks now. Puffy is silent but Niki can recognise the look of betrayal that rests in her eyes.
"Y-you what?"
"I'm going to kill Tommy. And I'm not going to have you making me feel bad. After everything he put me through, everything he put Jack through, all the pain and anguish he has caused. The wars he's the cause-" There's a thud on the table and Niki's eyes shoot to where Puffy is stood, placing a thick book on the table. "What the-"
"Sam gave that to me. It's the transcript of Tommy's first visit to Dream. And the conversation Sam and Dream had." Puffy's not looking at her anymore. "Read that, and if you still want to kill Tommy, I can't do anything about it. But-" Puffy's slowly looking up. they meet eyes and Niki doesn't see anger, just hurt and pain. "-I will fight to protect him. Even if I have to fight you."
"So you're betraying me as well?! I can't fucking trust anyone-"
"I'm not the one who betrayed you." Niki's mouth snaps shut as Puffy walk towards the door. She stops, pausing as she reaches for the door handle. "I'm opening up a therapy practice for the SMP. I was coming over today an offering if you want to put some time aside for check-in or just a chance to talk." Niki remains silent. "I- I just wanted to say the offer still stands."
And then, Niki's alone. She doesn't read the book.
--
"This is the end, Tommy." Jack's voice is cold. Tommy is just staring at him. He almost has the audacity to look surprised. "This is the end."
"j-Jack? Haha, what's this-"
"You know what this is about."
"Clearly I don't, big man-"
"You!" Niki steps out from the shadows as Jack gets more heated. "You are the reason there's conflict on this server. You are the reason we're all suffering! You are the reason none of us are safe! You have the audacity to act surprised? All you do is bully and steal and lie and cheat and when someone tries to hold you accountable and punish you, you manipulate your way out of it! You manipulated Tubbo into being your friend, you manipulated Wilbur into going insane and you manipulated Nikki into caring about you and thinking you were anything other than a selfish reckless child!" Jack is panting at the end, looking Tommy in the eyes. "You're no better than Dream," Jack says and this gets a reaction out of him. Tommy coils back and pales. It's now Niki notices how dark his under eyes are, and how many scars litter his skin. Part of her cares but the darker side of her doesn't. She wants Tommy to get mad, to scream, to prove himself as the villain she has convinced herself he is.
Spoiler alert: he doesn't
He stares at them, saying nothing but his eyes have glossed over at the mention of the imprisoned man. Jack takes his recognition as a confession.
"No defence, huh? The great TommyInnit has nothing to say?" Tommy is looking at them with resignation.
"Come on Jack, let's just get this-"
"I'm sorry." His voice is lower and softer than Niki has ever heard. 'He deserves this,' she reminds herself. ' He's done so much to hurt people.'
'How are you any better right now?'
Niki ignores this other voice as she looks at Jack Manifold. There's a glint in his eyes that Niki's never seen. It's not just a danger... it's something much darker. Niki almost flinches.
"Right Jack, we'll just kill him and-"
"No." Niki's voice cuts off, staring at him. "I say, let's make him feel our suffering."
"What do you mean?"
"Hold him down."
"Jack, I don't-"
"Shut up!" His tone is dangerous now and finally, finally the rational side of Niki's brain kicks him.
"Jack wait-"
"Niki, this is what we've been working towards, put our energy into. We want him to hurt. I want him to hurt." He's stalking towards Tommy know, and the boy is frozen and still as if his feet have grown roots. he's shaking and Niki knows whats happening. He's having a panic attacked. He's having a panic attack because of her. Someone he saw as a sister. Jack wants... he wants to hurt a sixteen-year-old. She wants to hurt a sixteen-year-old. What the fuck is she doing?
DESCRIPTION OF VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF BLOOD, MENTIONS OF PASSING OUT STARTS NOW, THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING
"Jack! Stop!" But he's got his hands on Tommy know and Tommy's on the ground. She sees Jack pull out a blade. She screams. "Jack! Wait for fuc sake! He's a kid! Jack, we were wrong!"
"Shut up!" He bellows. "You useless bitch! You talk a lot of game for a whiney bitch who can't follow through on anything." Niki is staring at him but she swallows whatever pride she has left. "Fucking shut up, you useless bitch. I'm going to make him hurt and there's nothing you can do to stop me. I don't care if he's a kid. I don't care if I'm wrong. He deserves it." The blade is brought down on Tommy's arm, who screams. For a soul-crushing second, Niki is powerless to the agonising screams as she watches an ally torture a sixteen-year-old. She screams and jumps at Jack, scratching his arms and trying to pry the blade away, apologies to Tommy dripping from her tongue.
Jack doesn't let her though. He doesn't let her win.
He grabs the blade and aims it at her, pushing her down to the ground. He punches her twice in the head, and her vision is swimming. She hears Tommy's whimpers and she knows she can't give up. She has to keep fighting, she has to keep making amends.
When Jack's focus is not on her anymore, she reaches for her communicator with black dots swimming in her vision
You to CaptainPuffy: I fuckd up
You to CaptainPuffy: Please, yu have to hlp me
You to CaptainPuffy: I was wron
You to CaptainPuffy:: xxx yyy zzz
You to CaptainPuffy: Ples, jck in unhingd
You to CaptainPuffy: i tnk I'm gona pas ot
Niki puts it away before getting up again. She blindly jumps into the air and connects with a body she prays is Jacks.
"You bitch-"
"Niki! Niki!" She hears Sam's voice. She refuses to give in to her slowly darkening vision. She reaches for his hands and feels something cold. It's wet and Niki tries not to gag. He pushes her off but she gets back up. She lunges again but she's caught this time.
"Niki?" Puffy.
"'m sorry, puf, sor- Toom- ples," she tries but her vision is blurring. He fingers are tingling and she knows she passing out. She hears a shout but she drags herself over to the boy. She mumbled sorry over and over again, barely acknowledging the fact that her senses are fading. Her ears are ringing but her chest is tight. She's still holding the bloody boy when she loses consciousness.
DESCRIPTION OF VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF BLOOD, MENTIONS OF PASSING OUT STARTS NOW, THIS IS YOUR TRIGGER WARNING
Niki wakes up in a room in Eret's castle. She knows it Eret's castle because this is the room he gave her once she finished building. It's nice then she deserves.
"OH, your awake!" Eret's voice wafts through. He's walking in now, holding a tray of food. "Here, you've been out for a few days, you must've been hit hard-"
"I deserve worse." Eret pauses. She hopes he isn't trying to come up with a defence.
"No one deserves to be unconscious for nearly a week."
"I do." She takes a shaky breath and slowly tries to sit up and part of her wants to thrust Eret's hands trying to help her. "I deserve this. I... I'm a horrible sick person."
"You're a traumatised person. A child who came of age in conflict," Eret says, his voice is soft. "It doesn't excuse what you did, but it explains it." Niki finally looks him in the eyes.
"I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to hurt him but Jack wanted to torture him. He wanted to break him. And i-" she's hyperventilating now. "I enabled him. I encouraged him."
"You are responsible for no one's actions but your own." Eret's voice is still soft. His hand is on her's trying to comfort her.
"Why are you being so nice?! I'm a terrible excuse for a human! I tried to kill a child! I should be locked in a cell with fucking dream-"
"Pain is never a good lesson. Lesson's through violence is what got all of us in this problem in the first place," Eret says. "Puffy helped me see that. Teach a child through violence and violence is all they'll know. You, Tommy, Tubbo, Jack, Fundy and Ranboo have made mistakes and been punished with violence. No wonder Tommy lashes out, no wonder you did. You were forced to be a parent to two kids who didn't have anyone else. You sacrificed your peace and you home for a man who went insane and left you. You lost your home to a tyrant and has to exile yourself. let's also not forget that all of us were being manipulated by dream at the same time. Tommy's done wrong, yes. But you still realised that he was just a kid who was hurt. Even if it took you a little too long," Eret jokes and Niki lets out the smallest wet chuckle. "Plus, without you, Tommy would be dead."
"He's alive?" Eret nods curtly.
"Jack really did a number on him."
"We both did."
"You didn't raise the knife."
"I handed it to him though." There's a silence.
"I don't know if you handed it for him. You may not have stopped him from rising it, but you certainly made sure he didn't finish the job." Niki shakes her head.
"I appreciate it, Eret. But i-" Niki takes a shaky breath. "I planned to kill a child because he was the easiest scapegoat. He was the easiest to blame. I just... I know I've done wrong." She wipes her face. "I... I want to do better. To never, ever let the fire turn into a wildfire again." Eret nods.
"Thats a start." Eret clears his throat. "Which, uh, brings me to the next part of this conversation." Eret picks back up the trays and hands it to her. "You're going to stay here. You're not allowed to leave this room unless accompanied by me or Puffy. If we think we need to, we'll be putting tracking bracelets on your arms. You're not allowed to see Tommy, Tubbo or Jack unless they explicitly ask for you. But everything will be provided for you here. If you want or need anything, wait and ask me. Do you understand?"
"Yes." Niki gets it. She doesn't deserve to be treated this well. "I don't deserve the kindness."
"What did I literally just say about lessons through violence?" Eret jokes. "Puffy is gonna come by and you're gonna work with her to heal from your past. We're also gonna judge this on a week to week basis and see how your progress is coming along. Do you have any questions?"
"Can I write letters? You obviously don't have to send them-"
"I would recommend it." Puffy is leaning in the doorway and Niki tears upon instinct. Eret squeezes her hand before standing up and pointing to the tray.
"Please eat." Niki nods and looks down at her place. She hears a chair being pulled up beside her. There's a silence.
"Tommy told us what happened." Niki's mouth dries and her stomach turns. "About what Jack said." Niki wants to speak but she doesn't know if she's physically able to right now. "He also remembers you trying to save him." Niki shakes her head and looks up at Puffy.
"Don't make me sound like a hero," Niki said, voices quiet. "I handed him a gun and told Jack to shoot."
"But you didn't load the gun."
"I didn't take the bullets off him until he actually shot the gun."
"But you called us in, knowing we could help." Niki lets her tears fall.
"In no scenario do I come across as a good person or even a decent one." Puffy shakes her head.
"I'm not trying to insinuate that you were in the right. you made a mistake. But that's what it was. A mistake. You were angry. You've been used and abused and all you know is how to use and abuse. But you decided, on your own, to break the cycle. The wrong way first, but you've realised that Niki. You realised that you've done wrong and that's what I'm trying to show you. I'm trying to show you that you don't beyond help," Puffy says and she takes her hands, rubbing her thumbs along the promise ring. "Recovery is hard and painful but you decided to take the initiative to try and stop jack. You're the reason Tommy was saved. Yes, you were part of the reason he was in danger, but you aren't the only adult who's fucked up. You won't be the last either. You will get better." Niki nods.
"I will get better," She says and Puffy smiles a soft smile.
"And I'll be here. Every day, helping you."