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Reggie has never felt quite home in his own skin. He’s always felt torn, pulled in two different directions, an eternal struggle that he can’t seem to win, no matter how hard he tries. And the worst part is that nobody sees how much he’s fighting, because it’s all in his head. He’s confident, but he isn't. He likes who he is, but he doesn’t. He thinks he’s good enough, but he feels like he isn’t. He doesn’t want to compare himself to others, but he does it all the time. He accepts himself, and yet he never fucking does. It’s exhausting, a constant up and down, because some days are better than others. When he’s on stage, he feels like he owns the world. He loves himself when he plays his bass, when he sees the people in the crowd cheering him on. But when he’s alone at night, or when he watches his friends from a distance, that voice in his head returns, telling him that he’s worthless, that he can’t do anything right, and that he’s not good enough. That nobody will ever love him in a way that feels enough. Everyone in his life always seems to have someone else they love more than him. Bobby always had a girlfriend on his arm that he worshipped and ditched hanging out with Reggie for. Alex and Luke dated for a little while and were completely obsessed with each other. When they broke up, they were both only spending time with him individually because no one else was available. Then they died, and now Alex has Willie, and Luke. Well, Luke has Julie. It’s obvious how much he likes her, on a different level than Reggie and Alex like her. Reggie adores Julie, but Luke adores her more. Luke looks at her like she’s hung the stars in the sky. And maybe she has. Reggie doesn’t know. She’s an angel, but even she likes Luke the most.
It’s not like Reggie can blame her. Because he has always liked Luke the most, too. He doesn’t know what it is, exactly. But something about Luke has always calmed him down in a way nothing and no one else could. He feels warm and safe around him, and he gets this pleasant sensation beneath his rib cage whenever Luke smiles at him or they share a mic on stage. Somehow, inadvertently, Luke has become the center of his universe at some point during their friendship, like a focal point he always finds himself gravitating towards, always orbiting him like he was the freaking sun, or something.
He thinks he’s a nuisance. Reggie is always around, because he has nowhere else to go. He’s always in the studio, or hanging around the house with Ray, or secretly using Julie’s bed to get some comfort. Reggie is sure Luke wants to spend more alone time with Julie, but Reggie is always there to third wheel on them, or pops in when they have private conversations about something or other. They usually stop speaking the moment he appears. Because he doesn’t deserve to hear it. He is not good enough for either of them, and now he is a shit friend on top of it all, simply for being there all the time. For not having an afterlife of his own.
And Reggie hates feeling like this. A small voice always insists that it’s not true, and it sounds suspiciously much like Luke’s. He still loves himself, too, he thinks. Or at least he wants to. Sometimes he thinks he’s pretty cool, but then his self-doubts take over again, and he feels himself getting consumed by them. And lately, his worst days have taken over most days, and Reggie feels himself spiralling down a drain of self-loathe and misery. He thinks he might be depressed. His mother used to have depressive episodes. Maybe it’s in his genes. But he doubts there are any ghost therapists he can go see.
No, he has to deal with this by himself. And preferably somewhere he doesn’t bother his friends and serves as some sort of damper on Luke’s blossoming relationship with Julie. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? Luke wants to be with Julie, because she’s awesome. Because she’s more than good enough. It doesn’t even matter that he’s a ghost and Julie isn’t. He wants to be with her anyway.
He’d never want to be with someone like Reggie.
One afternoon at practice, Reggie finally snaps. He doesn’t think he can watch Luke and Julie for another moment without bursting into flames. His self-loathe mixes badly with his jealousy and creates a toxic cocktail that just makes him feel like he wants to die a little bit. But he can’t even do that, because he’s already dead. So he just poofs out without saying a word, and spends the afternoon at the beach, staring out at the ocean instead. When he returns that night, he’s bombarded with questions from Luke and Alex, but he doesn’t feel like answering them, so he just shrugs, grabs his bass, and hides away in the loft. He’s glad his friends take the hint and let him be for now.
It starts becoming a habit. Reggie spends as much time at practice with the others as he absolutely has to, before poofing out to the beach or other places he associates with comfort with a mumbled “See you later.” If he sees the concerned looks his friends send his way, he doesn’t bother to dwell on them. They have their own lives and afterlives, and Reggie doesn’t want to be a nuisance anymore. If anything, they’re only trying to be nice anyway.
About a week after he first poofed out of practice, he sits on a tree trunk by the bike shack where his house used to be, when he hears a familiar voice calling his name. Reggie’s head snaps up and he finds Willie skating towards him, an ever bright smile on his face. Reggie feels his chest grow tight. He doesn’t want to hold Willie up, doesn’t want to keep him from spending time with Alex, just because he thinks he has to be polite.
“You alright there, hotdog-two?” Willie asks and flops down next to him on the tree trunk in a smooth motion from his skateboard.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” Reggie lies. Willie eyes him curiously.
“No offense, bro, but you don’t really look that peachy. Look, I don’t want to overstep, but Alex mentioned something about you being a little absent lately. He’s worried.”
Oh, so now he even takes up their time together when he isn’t even there, Reggie thinks. That’s great.
“He shouldn’t be. I’m fine. I’m just trying to be out of everyone’s way, is all,” Reggie says, voice uncharacteristically small. He sniffles a little, immediately blushing when he realises it. Willie raises an eyebrow at him.
“Out of everyone’s way?”
Reggie hates himself a little more for it, but for some reason, Willie’s question breaks something loose inside of him, and suddenly it all comes tumbling out of his mouth. All his self-doubt, all his misery, all his fears and worries. It’s like he can’t stop himself, and he’s sure he’s talking for ages, taking up all of Willie’s time, but the boy nods along, listening intently.
“I’m so sorry for this,” Reggie scrambles to say when he’s done. “I don’t know why I told you all of this, you don’t have to stick around with me, I really am fine--” Willie holds up a hand to stop him, his kind smile unwavering.
“Yo! Reggie, calm down, man. You told me because you needed to get it out. That’s a good thing. Unfortunately, there aren’t nearly as many ghost therapists as there should be, trust me.”
“You aren’t mad?” Reggie asks weakly, and he faintly wonders what happened to him. He doesn’t even recognise himself anymore. It’s like he lost his core and now he can’t find it anywhere.
“Mad? What the hell, dude? No, I’m not mad. Look. I don’t know you that well, but I do know that Alex loves you like crazy, alright? He talks about you all the time! You’re his best friend. It’s a little bit insulting to him and Luke, if you claim they don’t care about you enough, isn’t it?”
Reggie has never considered that before. He would never want to insult his friends. They mean the world to him, and he wants them to be happy.
“I think you need to talk to them, bro. Tell them how you feel. That you need a little help finding yourself again. There is no shame in it,” Willie says, reaching out to squeeze Reggie’s arm. “You are not stealing their time, alright? They’re your friends, and they love you.”
Reggie feels the tears in his eyes threatening to spill over. He knows Willie is right. And he’s so tired of feeling like this. His band is the only family he has, and he has been pushing them away all by himself.
“Also, bro! You should tell Luke how you feel about him, as well,” Willie adds with a knowing smile.
“What?” Reggie squeaks. He feels his cheeks grow hot, and his brain gets stuck on how they can do that if he doesn’t have any blood circulation.
“You’re in love with him,” Willie says, and it doesn’t sound like a question. Reggie stares at him. Then he barks out a laugh, but it sounds humourless even to his own ears, so he stops and thinks. He thinks about Luke, thinks about his smile, his hair, his sleeveless band shirts, about the way his exposed arms feel around him when he hugs him, his voice, his songs, his passion. The way Reggie feels when he sees him, the fluttering, the warmth, the way he thinks about him constantly and wants to wrap him in his arms and keep him close, and never let him go. For the first time, he lets himself think about kissing him. The fluttering in his stomach breaks loose rather violently, and Reggie splutters.
“I-- But-- Oh, no. I’m-- but he-- oh my god!” he stutters. Willie laughs and pats his shoulder.
“You didn’t know? That’s tough, man.”
Reggie knows his face is probably cherry red. He’s been so caught up in his own spiralling misery that he didn’t stop to examine his feelings for Luke. He just accepted them as they were without putting a name to them. It’s not that he hasn’t found boys attractive before. He talked about it with Alex, and they came to the conclusion that he just likes boys as well as girls. Alex said he’s valid in feeling that way, so Reggie accepted it, but never spent much time thinking about it. He didn’t need to, because he didn’t realise he’s gone and fallen in love with his best friend. Luke, of all people.
“But I can’t tell him! He’s totally falling for Julie,” Reggie says sadly, rubbing at his eyes. He’s so tired. Willie squeezes his arm again.
“You should still tell him. It might give you some closure,” Willie tells him. Reggie bites his lip. He thinks Willie might be right. He’s certainly spent too much time running from his friends and his problems already.
“There you are!” Alex’s voice startles Reggie so bad, he nearly falls backwards off the tree trunk. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” He stops to take in the scene in front of him. “Wait. Willie?”
Reggie takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down.
“Hey, hotdog,” Willie says happily, getting up from the tree trunk and pressing a kiss to the corner of Alex’s mouth. “I found your stray puppy here. I think he wants to talk to you.” Willie tilts his head and meets Reggie’s eyes, nodding encouragingly.
“Yeah. Yeah I do. Thanks, Willie. You know, for listening as well.”
Willie smiles. “Any time, bro. See you later, Alex,” he says, kisses Alex again, and then poofs out. Alex takes a few moments to process, before sitting down next to Reggie and taking his hand in his. He tilts his head, and his eyes are so soft and worried when they meet Reggie’s that Reggie just wants to cry again.
“Reg,” he says softly, “What’s wrong? We’re all so worried about you.”
Reggie looks at him, and something breaks. He bursts into tears, and Alex wraps his arms around him in an instant, rubbing soothing circles onto his back.
“I don’t think I remember who I am anymore, Al,” he says between sobs, “I feel so bad all the time, and I don’t think I’m good enough. I feel like a nuisance, a burden to all of you. And I don’t want to feel that way. I want to be happy. I just want someone to love me, and I know you all do, but it never feels enough and why can’t it just feel like it’s enough?”
Alex hugs him so tightly, Reggie is sure not even a piece of paper would fit between them.
“Reg, we love you all so much, you don’t even know,” Alex says quietly. And Reggie believes him, but…
“But there’s always someone else you love more than me.”
Alex pulls back and meets Reggie’s eyes. There is a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“No. Not more. Just differently. It’s not the same, Reg. Romantic love isn’t stronger or more important than platonic love. It just shows itself differently. And I’m sorry if I’ve been neglecting you lately. I swear I didn’t mean to.”
Oh. Reggie never considered that before. But it makes sense to him. He doesn’t love Alex and Luke the same way either, but that doesn’t mean he loves Alex any less. Something slots into place in his chest, and he manages a small smile.
“I love you too, Alex,” he says. Alex grins.
“I know.”
Reggie shoves him, his smile growing a little wider.
“Don’t you pull a Han Solo on me!”
Alex shrugs.
“Pretty sure I just did.”
Reggie laughs through his tears, and they’re quiet for a few moments. Reggie feels a few rays of light breaking through the dark clouds in his mind, and it feels like he can finally breathe a little easier again.
“I’m in love with Luke,” he blurts. But Alex doesn’t even look surprised. He just smiles knowingly.
“I know that, too.”
Reggie splutters rather embarrassingly, he thinks.
“What?” he squeaks, “But how? I didn’t even know before Willie pointed it out.”
Alex chuckles.
“You aren’t that subtle, bro.”
Reggie’s eyes widen, and he feels a small panic coming on in his chest.
“Does Luke know, too?”
Alex barks out a full on laugh that startles Reggie a little, and shakes his head.
“Lucky for you, he’s even more oblivious than you are. You should talk to him, though.”
Reggie sighs.
“That’s what Willie said, too. But he’s in love with Julie. What’s the point if I tell him now?”
Alex is quiet for a moment as he bites his lip and shrugs a little hesitantly.
“I wouldn’t be so sure about his feelings for Julie, Reg. There is something there, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic or mean he wants to act on it. Plus, you’ll have it off your chest anyway. It might help you find yourself again.”
Reggie hums. Alex does have a point, he thinks, even though he finds himself panicking a little at the thought of telling Luke.
“You think I will? Find myself again, I mean? Will I ever stop feeling this horrible?”
Alex nods, and he looks so convinced that Reggie believes him.
“You will. Every storm that comes, also comes to an end, ” he tells him, humming along to the last part. Reggie takes that in, nodding as he figures that Alex is right. Things do have a tendency to end at some point, no matter how bad they are.
“That’s a good line. You should give that to Luke, he might be able to work it into a song,” Reggie says, attempting another small smile.
Alex chuckles.
“Can’t. I stole that from a band called All Time Low . Willie introduced me to them. They’re really good.”
“Yeah? Cool. What’s the song called? I’ll have to ask Julie to show it to me.”
Reggie genuinely wants to know. He’s done his own research into new music on Carlos’s computer, all the rock and punk and country he’s missed out on in the last 25 years, and he always likes finding new bands that resonate with him.
“ Time Bomb, ” Alex tells him.
Reggie snorts.
“Yeah, much like I’m feeling right now.”
Alex laughs and gets up from the tree trunk. He reaches out to squeeze Reggie’s shoulder.
“We’ll figure it out together, Reg. You and Luke and I. And Julie. We’re all here for you, if you let us. No running away from now on, alright?”
Reggie smiles. He’s glad Willie appeared out of nowhere and inadvertently made him talk today. Maybe it was just what he needed.
“Thanks, Al,” he says.
Alex returns his smile and nods.
“I’m gonna go and get Luke,” he announces. Reggie wants to protest, tell him he’s not ready, but Alex already poofed out, and it takes about a minute before Luke appears instead. He looks… like a mess, to be honest. His hair is all tousled, his cheeks are flushed, and he looks almost as tired as Reggie feels. It makes Reggie’s chest feel tight and he wishes for Luke’s brilliant smile. Luke should never look so… worried. Devastated, almost.
“Are you okay?” he asks.
Luke’s eyes widen as he stares at him, looking a little dumbfounded.
“Am I… Reg, dude! I was so worried about you !”
Reggie tilts his head and bites his lip. He feels so bad about underestimating the love his friends have for him now.
“Oh. Well, to be honest, I don’t think I’m quite okay right now, Luke,” he says quietly. Luke sits down next to him and immediately wraps an arm around his shoulders.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Luke says softly. So Reggie does, for the third time that day. And when he looks back up to meet Luke’s eyes for the first time since he started talking, he finds his friend crying, his tears chasing each other down his cheeks. Oh . Well, there is no way he can stand seeing Luke like this without breaking into his own sobs.
“Reg,” Luke says, visibly trying to pull himself together, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that I didn’t see it, and I’m sorry I ever made you feel like you aren’t enough. I love you so much, and so does Alex.”
Reggie smiles and reaches out to wipe the tears from Luke’s cheeks. He hates that this beautiful boy is crying because of him.
“Alex said that, too. And I think I’m beginning to understand. It’s just hard. Sometimes I think my own mind is my greatest enemy. Caleb’s got nothing on that one,” he jokes. Luke snorts, but it comes out half as a sob.
“I just feel really bad all the time, and I can’t make it stop. Some days not even music helps. I think… I think I may be depressed, Luke. Like my mom.”
Luke pulls Reggie into a hug, and Reggie buries his face in his neck, breathing him in. He feels like he never wants to let go. And Luke knows how his mom got sometimes, he knows how hard it was on his whole family.
“We’ll figure it out, Reg,” Luke says quietly. “You aren’t alone in this. Not anymore.”
Reggie hums and wraps himself a little tighter around Luke. They’re quiet for a long while, just holding onto each other as their tears dry up and Reggie starts feeling his last secret itch under his skin, pushing to get out.
“There is something else,” he says and regrettably pulls away from Luke’s strong arms. Luke’s forehead creases as his worried look returns, and Reggie has to stop himself from reaching out and smoothing it down with his thumb. He has to say it now, he knows, or he will chicken out again.
“I love you, Luke,” he breathes, his voice barely more than a whisper. Luke frowns, then smiles and playfully punches his shoulder.
“I love you too, you dork. I already said that.”
Reggie sighs. He thinks his dead heart is about to jump out of his non-existent chest.
“No. I mean I’m in love with you,” he admits slowly, releasing a breath as he does. It’s out. And he can’t take it back now. His heart hammers, though he wonders if it’s just a ghost of his heart, much like he’s a ghost of himself right now in more than one way.
Luke stares. And stares a bit longer, his eyes growing wider as his eyebrows rise on his forehead. Reggie is really starting to get a little nervous. He doesn’t know what he expected, but silence wasn’t on the list.
“You are ?” Luke asks eventually, voice ridiculously high pitched. It’s the same voice he always uses when he gets flustered, but Reggie doesn’t know if that’s a good sign.
“Yeah, Luke,” he confirms.
“You like boys?” Luke’s voice is still higher than usual, and Reggie kind of wants to go and drown himself in the ocean. Not that it would help, given that he is already dead.
Reggie nods. Luke doesn’t say anything else, so Reggie sighs and takes over.
“Look, Luke. I get it. I know you like Julie. But I wanted to tell you anyway, cause it’s only fair to let you know. So I can move on.”
“Move on?” Luke rasps. Reggie can’t decipher the look on his face, and it unsettles him a little. He’s always been so good at reading Luke.
“Umm… yeah?”
Luke suddenly shakes his head, and the look on his face turns grim.
“I don’t want you to just move on! ”
Reggie stares at him, feeling a little taken aback. Luke has never been more of an enigma to him.
“What? But—” he starts. Luke presses a finger to his lips to shut him up.
“No moving on yet. Give me some time to process this. Okay?” he asks. Reggie stares and nods, and Luke bites his lip, his forehead creasing as if he’s jumped right into a deep pool of thoughts.
Reggie lets him.
+++
Willie introduces Reggie to a ghost who used to be a therapist when she was alive, and he starts talking to her every other day. It helps, he finds, and so does being able to openly talk to his friends when he feels himself spiralling again. He starts feeling freer than he has in years, even when he was still alive. He gets more hugs now, too, which he appreciates. Julie squeezes him whenever she sees him now, and Reggie is glad that he told her too, even if it took a little pushing from Luke and Alex. He feels closer to Willie as well now, and Alex rolls his eyes at their shenanigans more times than Reggie can count. Reggie likes having someone who jumps right onto his bad ideas, even faster than Luke usually does. Luke keeps staring at him. Reggie feels his eyes on him all the time now, and when he looks back at him, he often finds him gnawing on his lower lip.
Things are normal between them, not as awkward as Reggie feared. He feels a little apprehensive around him, but aside from the staring and lip biting, Luke is all smiles and flirts, just like he usually is.
There’s something brewing inside him, though. Reggie can see it, can feel it, Julie keeps eyeing him curiously, and Alex even points it out. Luke doesn’t tell them anything, but he finally boils over after their gig in a local club in downtown Los Angeles. It’s been a good one, and Reggie enjoyed every second, especially all the times Luke chose to share a mic with him. He loves singing with Luke, loves the way he looks at him when they do. It’s like they connect on a whole different level when they’re only inches apart and singing their hearts out.
Luke is buzzing with energy like he usually is when he’s coming off stage after a gig, and it radiates off him in waves. It’s infectious too, and Reggie feels himself vibrating with life in a way a dead guy probably shouldn’t be able to. Luke hugs Julie and spins her around, kissing her cheek when he puts her back down, then doing the same with Alex. Reggie smiles the whole time, warmth filling his chest as he watches them. He can’t remember why he ever felt like he doesn’t belong with them. It seems so far away now, even though he’s only been working on his issues for a couple of weeks.
Luke reaches Reggie last, stopping right in front of him, and Reggie expects to be picked up and spun around just like Julie and Alex. But then Luke steps closer, and suddenly there is a pair of lips firmly pressed against his and he’s being pushed back until he collides with a table. Reggie feels his knees go weak, and he almost slides to the floor, but Luke steadies him with an arm around his waist as he keeps kissing him. Luke is kissing him. On the lips.
Reggie feels something flutter rather violently beneath his rib cage, and he holds onto Luke’s shirt as if his lost life depends on it as he kisses him back. It’s the best feeling in the world, and Reggie never wants it to stop. It has to, though, and Luke steps back sooner rather than later, his eyes wide, his lips red, and his cheeks flushed. Reggie swears he can hear Alex say something like “Finally!” and then the sound of a high five. Luke’s head snaps around to him and Julie, and he rolls his eyes, then takes Reggie’s hand and quickly pulls him out of the green room and outside into an alley next to the club.
Reggie doesn’t get a second to think before he’s being pushed against a dumpster of all things, and he’s so glad they aren’t falling right through it anymore. Luke kisses him again, and that’s so much better than thinking anyway. Reggie kisses him back with every ounce of love he has for him, and when Luke’s tongue licks over his lips, asking to be let in, Reggie happily parts his lips and deepens their kiss. His hands are roaming over Luke’s back, one of them sliding under the hem of his shirt to let his fingers run over the damp skin of his back.
Luke pants heavily when he pulls away after a small eternity of bliss, and the smile on his lips paints Reggie’s whole world in rose colours. His ghostly heart is hammering in his chest and he waits for Luke to say something, but his friend seems to have trouble getting his words out.
“Luke?” Reggie asks, gasping for air as he realizes just how out of breath he is.
“I love you, too,” Luke blurts, and Reggie beams.
He raises an eyebrow, teasingly waggling it as he says, “Yeah? But you already said that.”
Luke sighs. He rolls his eyes and places his hands on the dumpster on each side of Reggie’s face. Reggie can feel his breath on his lips, and he shivers.
“No, I mean—” Luke makes a face. “You know what? You know exactly what I mean. I just had my tongue in your mouth.”
Reggie stares at his wide eyes for a moment as his words catch up to him, and then he bursts into laughter. Luke takes a few seconds to join him, and then they’re standing there pressed against a dumpster in a dark alley, laughing their ghostly lungs out. Reggie feels it bubbling out of him as his chest fills with warmth, and Luke is just the best damn thing he’s ever seen. He loves him so much. And for once, he actually believes he’s loved back, and it feels enough . He has since learned that his friends’ love is enough no matter what, but this… Reggie has never felt like this before.
When his laughter slowly ceases into a smile, Reggie wraps his arms around Luke’s neck and pulls him back in.
“Took you long enough,” he murmurs against his lips, and Luke pokes him in the side.
“You caught me off guard, dude! I never saw this coming. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? I just needed some time to get there. You and I. Reggie and Luke. Ruke ,” Luke chuckles.
“Ruke!” Reggie wheezes, then quickly sobers as he eyes Luke carefully. “What about Julie?”
Luke hums.
“I’m not quite sure how I feel about her yet, to be honest. It’s confusing… Is that okay?” He frowns slightly, tilting his head to the side, looking a little worried.
Reggie bites his lip and nods. Something twists in his chest, but he breathes it away. Luke loves him. It’s okay. It’s enough.
“I’m starting to see that there are so many different kinds of ways to love someone. And that you can love a lot of different people all the same amount, even if it looks differently. One doesn’t make the other any less.”
Luke snorts.
“Alex told you that, didn’t he?”
Reggie grins and leans in to kiss the corner of Luke’s mouth.
“He totally did.”
They kiss for a little longer, softly, mere brushes of lips as they giggle, and push and pull at each other, until they decide they should probably head back in to catch up with their friends.
“Hey, Reg?” Luke asks just before they step back in through the door.
“Hm?”
“You’re the best person I know. And I want you to always remember that.”
Reggie smiles and nods.
“I promise I’ll try,” he says honestly.
And for once he actually believes it.
He feels his storm slowly coming to an end. For now. He’ll be okay again. And the next storm will also come to an end. He’ll always be okay again.
— End. —