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“So..”
A voice resounded behind him. Booming. Loud. Quiet. Stifling. Everything at once.
“Do you not want to go back?” It inquired. Deafening. Silent.
James’ eyes fall over the porcelain button resting on the wall in front of him. He sighs and lets the hand resting against the cool quartz fall to his side.
“No.” He said. Quiet. Meek. Nothing at all.
“Why not?” The voice inquired again. James can hear how its owner cocks its head to the side in confusion.
He can still feel the piercing sting of the sword in his lungs with each rise and fall of his undead chest. It hurt, taunting him even long after death. His fingers curl into a weak fist.
“He won’t be there with me.” James doesn’t specify who ‘he’ is. He doesn’t need to.
“Karl?” James nodded weakly, the voice hums in understanding.
It’s pathetic. He knows. Karl was just a stranger he’d met at a masquerade. He was just a pretty smile and soft hair and bubbling laughter that brought him the strange kind of joy he’d only ever felt when with his ex-wife. Joy that the taste of alcohol passing his lips never could bring. Even if they’d only just met, James felt as though he’d known Karl for years. And if the trace of recognition he’d seen in the other’s eyes was anything to go by Karl felt it too.
He knew what the ‘joy’ meant. He knew it all too well. And he’d seen the passing glares of disgust that were thrown like daggers and stones to men who felt joy in other men enough to know how dangerous it would be to express his joy.
James couldn’t give a shit.
He’d already lost everything: His status, his family, his wife, heck now he’d even lost his life- why the hell should he care about what others think of him? Finally, finally he’d met someone who could make him forget about his problems, and instead of replacing them with the numbing effects of alcohol, they were replaced by the image of soft giggles and sweet smiles that made him feel alive for the first time in a long while.
Until he wasn’t.
For at the masquerade he’d met the possible love of his life he’d also met his death in the form of a sleek dagger. Consciousness was slipping away from his grasp when he heard the familiar cry of his name and sobs begging him to wake up.
God, this was the last thing he wanted. He wanted to shout and scream and move his body to comfort Karl but all he could do was bleed out on the floor slowly and agonizingly.
He woke up in a white castle, next to a wall with a button on it. Nobody needed to tell him what it would do- he already knew.
He’s been in this exact situation before. He’s held sleek fingers over the button that would breathe another agonizing life into his lungs and he’s pressed down on it. But no- not this time.
That’s how he ended up here.
The voice hummed as though it just had an epiphany. “Follow me. I’d like to show you something.”
For the first time since arriving, James turned to face away from the button.
The voice belonged to a.. being. He couldn’t properly describe it if he tried. But it towered above him patiently and hovered above the ground in a green cloak. It’s head was entirely detached from its body and a permanent smile was etched into its face. It was intimidating and threatening- welcoming and nurturing. Thunderous and hushed.
Everything at once.
He took the invitation.
James’ footsteps echoed silently through the quartz hallways as he trailed behind the figure. One thing to note about this strange castle was that everything was the same stark white. Every hallway and room looked the exact same as the last and the one before it and the one after.
The figure led him into the one room not like any of the others. It was large and looming with giant white pillars on either side. It was breathtaking.
The most notable thing, however, was that not everything in it was entirely white.
In the center of it was a deadened black and withered rose in a small pot, standing up tall as though it was still living.
The being led him to the center and stood- no, hovered on the other side of the rose.
“So.” It started. “You don’t want to go back this time because.. You won’t be with Karl?”
James nodded. The sound of white nails clicking against the pearly table that separated them resounded through the room.
“I see..” The being trailed off. Silence filled the empty space left behind.
“How would you.. Like to see your future? Hm? What would happen if you chose to keep respawning?”
“My.. future?” It was the being’s turn to nod (or what looked like nodding.) “Will it be bad?”
“I won’t lie to you, yes.”
“Then why would I-”
“-But.” It interrupted. “It will also be beautiful.” It dragged a finger along the stem of the rose as it spoke. “There will be war, famine, death, grief and the like, but you will also find things that make life worth returning to.”
James remained quiet, pondering.
“So, what do you say?” Its thumb brushed over a dull thorn.
“Alright.” He met the beady painted lines over where its eye should lay. “You can show me.”
A cold hand was pressed to his forehead, and he blacked out.
The rocky crater that once was home to a country glared at Sapnap with the same intensity he returned to it. It’s hard to believe this is real.
It’s been blown up before- hell he even helped blow it up the first time- but since then he’d broken away from the former friend and tyrant who put him up to such a task and grown to have a distant respect for the nation.
When it was blown up the first time, the citizens rebuilt with a smile.
When it was blown up the second time, they rebuilt the country on shaky wooden platforms and thrived.
When it was blown up the third time.. There was nothing they could do but watch as the bombs rained down on the nation and withers decimated the land.
The third time, he’d fought alongside them instead of against. He couldn’t do anything to save them from the wrath of the man- no- monster he’d fought with the first time. But he still fought with his life.
In a strange way he felt sad- hollow, without the comforting glow of spruce buildings illuminated by torches to be seen from the wooden pathways. In its place was a sad and hollow crater.
The ghost of the former nation explored the ruins in despair. The soft sound of a guitar and the broken voice of its anthem carried along the ashy wind and rain.
Neither of which reached his eyes or ears.
Usually, he loved chaos and destruction. But not like this.
Sapnap wondered if there was any way he could’ve prevented the destruction. Maybe.. Maybe if he’d just been a better friend-
“Sap?” The voice broke him out of a whirlwind of emotions.
Was that..?
“Karl?” His voice cracks- was he crying?
“Yeah, it’s me.” He sounded tired, and looked it too as he sat down on the dirt next to Sapnap. The bags under his eyes were prominent as he gave a sad smile.
The first difference he noticed was just how tall he was in comparison to Karl. He remembers standing next to him, at a part of some kind. Karl was clearly one or two inches taller even while they sat. Now however, Sapnap was the taller of the two.
“I can hear you thinking.” Karl remarked. He scooted closer to Sapnap so their knees just barely touched. “There’s nothing any of us could’ve done. Don’t blame yourself.”
Sapnap chuckled. Bitter and soft. “God, you know me too well.” He let a hand rest on the other’s back, rubbing small circles with his thumb. “But I still wonder..”
“Don’t.” Karl picked up after the sentence that trailed off. He leans his head against Sapnap’s shoulder, reaching up to wipe the drying tears from the other’s face. A contented sigh escaped Sapnap’s lips as he brought up his other hand to hold the other’s against his face.
The second thing he noticed was just how short his hair was. He’d expected the fluffy locks that he swore reached his shoulders to get in the way by now, but there was nothing. Instead raven black hair only reached down to the tip of his chin.
“Was I crying?” He mutters.
“Looks like it.” Karl leaned in closer. Sapnap moved to pull an arm around him. “M’ tired.”
“I know.” He does. Everyone is tired. Even the few who weren’t involved in the fighting.
Sapnap doesn’t question where he was.
“Sleep.” He muttered. “I’ll protect you.”
“Not here, nimrod.” He can hear the eyeroll in his voice. “Later.”
“I can carry you home.”
“Oh wow, how strong and manly.” He chuckled at the sarcasm dripping from Karl’s voice. “Fine then. Carry me home after I fall asleep. I don’t feel like getting up.” He repositioned himself to sit comfortably in the other’s lap, leaning into his form. “Holy shit you’re a living heater.”
“You can just call me hot.”
He received a soft slap to the face for that comment.
“Rude.” Sapnap rolled his eyes and repositioned himself for the smaller man to sleep more comfortably, wrapping his arms around his form and pulling him closer. “Sweet dreams.” He mumbled with his face pressed into the top of Karl’s head.
“You’re forgetting something.”
“What?”
“Where’s my goodnight kiss?” Karl whined at him.
“Oh my god.” Sapnap leaned down to press a kiss to the other’s lips. Brief and soft. “Mwah. Right there, you idiot.”
His idiot.
God, he’d give the world for this nimrod.
“Thank you.” Karl let his head fall into the crook of Sapnap’s neck. “Now you can say goodnight.”
“Goodnight, dumbass.”
“Love you too.” He does. How could he not?
The third difference he noticed was- actually not a difference at all. He noticed that Karl looked the exact same he always did. Same face, same hair length, same outfit, same voice. While Sapnap had changed numerous times over his lives.
He wouldn't change him for the world.
He briefly remembers the smell of wine and meeting Karl in a purple mask. He doesn’t dwell on the thought for long.
He feels like he holds the entire world in his arms as he carries him home.
And then the image fades out.
James comes to his senses in the same grand white room he’d ‘passed out’ in. The being removes its hand from his forehead and rests it against the table. “I am guessing that by your perplexed expression you have returned. Welcome back.”
“Was that-”
“Yes. That was Karl. Now come on.” It floats idly to the room’s entrance, the same way they’d arrived. “We can talk while we walk.”
James scrambles after it.
“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” It mutters after a moment of traversing the maze-like hallways of the palace. “I won’t be able to answer all of them, but I will answer what I can.”
“So was what you showed me.. Part of my next life?” He asks hopefully.
“No.” His shoulders drop. “-But,” it continues before he can get a word in. “It is one of your future lives.”
“So i’ll have other lives before then?”
“Yes.” It answers, tone nonchalant. “I won’t lie to you, your next few lives won’t be very fun. But you’ll have to go through them before you can experience that one.”
He hums in understanding, recalling the earlier conversation of war, famine, and grief. “What if I don’t want to?” He watches the strange being turn its head, smile judging yet understanding.
“Then you stay here. Forever.”
“Oh..”
It hums. “Now, I wouldn’t mind. I don’t get much company.” Its chuckles heartily, sending a shiver down James’ spine. “But it would not be pleasant for you.”
“I imagine it isn’t.” It stops abruptly, gesturing to a large archway leading into a familiar room. “So you’re getting another chance to go back, if you so please.”
James steps under the archway and into the room reluctantly. Sure enough, the button sits tauntingly on the only windowless wall. Waiting.
The sound of footsteps echoing on the quartz flooring doesn’t reach his ears as he makes his way slowly to it. The being follows behind silently.
He stops in front of the button. The porcelain taunts him, beckoning.
Does he really want to do this?
“Take all the time you need.” The being murmurs from behind.
James sighs, curling his hands into a fist, and realizes he has one last question.
“What are you?” He blurts out. “And.. who are you?”
The room falls silent. Screaming.
“I.. don’t know.” The being falters for the first time since James arrived. “I don’t know what I am.”
“How do you not know? You- you have to be some kind of god or something.”
“I suppose you could call me that.” Its booming voice returns. “I know i’m a protector of some kind. Of what, I don’t know yet.”
“As for my name-” James turns his head to listen. “You won’t remember but.. Call me Ex-Dee.”
What a strange name for a strange being.
“Alright.” He speaks quietly, a small smile forming on his face. “Remind me next time i’m here then.”
“I will.” ‘Ex-Dee’ answers.
James gives a nod and turns his attention back to the taunting button.
Here it goes. The decision that will decide his fate.
His fingertips rest along the cold white material, and he closes his eyes.
Three.
Two.
No- he can’t do it. Not yet. He needs more time to think.
He thinks of crying in the rain after a hopeless battle. He thinks of soft touches wiping away his tears.
He thinks of metal piercing his chest and draining his life. He thinks of bubbly laughter that makes his heart swell.
He thinks of the bitterness of alcohol pouring down his throat after losing everything. He thinks of holding a lover who feels like the entire world again.
He thinks of holding Karl in another life: Another life worth living if he gets to see his smile, hear his laugh, and love him unconditionally.
It’s not even a competition. He’d go through a thousand lives just to see Karl smile again.
It’s all worth it: for him.
His fingers press forward on the cold button, and he watches it sink flush into the wall before his vision fades out once more.