Chapter Text
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]
TT: Hey.
TG: sup
TT: Are you doing anything right now?
TG: were just watching a movie
TG: but its nothing we havent seen a million times so i dont really need to pay attention or anything
TG: why whats up
TT: I was going to ask if I could call you, but it can wait until your movie’s over.
TG: nah bro its cool i can go in the other room
TG: is everything ok though
TT: Yeah, we’re fine. Just let me know when I can call.
TG k hold on a sec
Dave looks up from his phone at Karkat.
“Hey, something’s up with Dirk so I’m gonna go in the bedroom and talk to him. Keep watching without me, I’ll be back.”
He kisses Karkat’s cheek and carefully untangles their legs from each other before getting up from the couch.
“IS HE OK? IS JAKE OK?”
“He said they’re good but he’s being cryptic and wouldn’t tell me what’s up. But you know how he likes to get all dramatic though and tries to play it off as totally normal and chill, so who fucking knows. There’s a very good chance he just built a new robot that he’s super hyped about.”
“OK, WELL TELL HIM I SAID HI I GUESS. AND SEND MY CONGRATULATIONS OR CONDOLENCES OR GOOD LUCK OR WHATEVER. UNLESS IT IS JUST A NEW ROBOT, IN WHICH CASE DON’T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT HI BECAUSE I DO NOT FUCKING CARE.”
“Will do.”
Dave makes his way into their bedroom, and as soon as he closes the door behind him, picks up his phone again.
TG: k go ahead
His phone rings immediately.
The credits start to roll, breaking Karkat out of his usual movie trance, and he realizes that it’s been some time since Dave went to talk to Dirk. Not that it’s uncommon for the two of them to get going on something or other and never manage to be able to shut up, but since he’d gotten the impression that this wasn’t just a regular Strider gab session, but the passing on of actual important information, he’d probably better pop in and check, at the very least to satisfy his own curiosity. So he makes his way to the bedroom door and lightly knocks. He doesn’t hear a response, but he also doesn’t hear Dave still talking on the other side, so he decides to open the door and stick his head in.
“DAVE?”
Dave is sitting on his side of the bed, the far side, facing the wall. His hands are on the bed on either side of him, anchoring him in place, and underneath one of them is his phone. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t make a sound. Karkat continues in.
“HEY, BABE, ARE YOU OK? WHAT’S WRONG? TALK TO ME.”
He climbs onto the bed from his own side and scoots over to Dave on his knees, laying his hands on Dave’s shoulders. Dave still doesn’t give any response to the touch.
“DAVE, PLEASE TALK TO ME! WHATEVER IT IS, I’M HERE, OK?”
He wraps his arms around Dave from behind and lays his head on his shoulder. It seems to have done something, because Dave lifts one hand from the bed and hooks it around Karkat’s arm. He makes a small sound, like he’s trying to speak but can’t quite form words yet.
“IT’S OK. I’M HERE. IT’S OK.”
Dave’s hand squeezes down on Karkat’s arm. Karkat can feel him take a deep breath into his back. He kisses his shoulder.
“They’re…”
The word comes out barely above a whisper. Karkat just squeezes a little bit tighter and waits patiently for the rest.
“They’re having a baby.”
Based on Dave’s state, Karkat had been preparing himself for news of someone’s death, or possibly divorce, or something else dire, so he finds himself caught off guard and confused at the news.
“WHO?”
“Dirk and Jake. They’re gonna adopt a baby. Soon. They're already on a list.”
Well, obviously that’s who, Karkat now realizes. But he’s still feeling very lost at how to proceed with this information. He’s mostly gotten the hang of human familial structures by now, at least in theory, so he’s perfectly aware how common it is for human marriages to be followed up by the acquisition of a child for the couple to raise together. He’s even vaguely aware of the most common forms of human child acquisition, and even somewhat aware of how the strange variations in human anatomy make certain methods possible for certain couples and impossible for others. He knows June and Roxy made theirs- Roxy got very fat and kind of cranky for a while, and then somehow that Karkat is vaguely aware of but tries not to think about, there was Harry Anderson. Rose and Kanaya got Vriska from the brooding caverns- obviously making one of their own was never on the table no matter what Rose’s anatomy may be capable of. And of course, he knows how Dave came into the world- not that that’s a regular part of human culture, but he supposes that if any of the Creators and their partners ever wanted to employ that option, they have the capability. As for Dirk and Jake, he’s not really sure, and frankly never bothered to ask because it’s none of his goddamn business. Not to mention that he just doesn’t really want to know about the reproductive organs of his brothers/fathers-in-law or what they may or may not be doing with them. But even if multiple methods are technically available, he doesn’t know of any reason why adoption shouldn’t be the choice they go with.
Regardless, Karkat’s thoughts eventually meander back to the actual issue at hand, which he’s fairly certain has nothing to do with the baby acquisition method at all, but the baby acquisition itself, and the fact that, for some reason, the news that by all intents and purposes he’s come to believe is generally celebrated, is affecting Dave so poorly. Or maybe he’s just in shock?
“UH…”
His desperation to say something outruns his ability to decide just what it is he wants to say, resulting in the useless syllable coming out of his mouth. But he quickly finds that somehow, the syllable was far worse than useless, because Dave startles him with a sudden, violent sob.
“OH GOD, FUCK, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, SHHHHH, IT’S OK, I’M SO SORRY!”
Dave shoves his hands up under his shades and cries heavily. It takes all of Karkat’s strength to not just do the same. He's only seen Dave like this a few times before, but at least each of those times he's understood the cause, even if he still felt helpless to fix it. Without even meaning to, he just hugs him even tighter.
"DAVE, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY! WHAT DO YOU NEED? WHAT CAN I DO?"
“No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, God, this is so fucking stupid! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m so sorry, fuck…”
“NO! NO! IT’S NOT STUPID! PLEASE, JUST TALK TO ME! I PROMISE, WHATEVER IT IS, IT’S NOT STUPID!”
Dave tries to speak again, but finds that he can only cry. Karkat just holds him. He rubs his back, strokes his hair, grabs the tissue box from his nightstand and places it beside him, and then comes back and just holds him some more and waits. Over several minutes, Dave gradually quiets himself, and his breathing begins to normalize. He takes his hands off his face. He grabs a tissue and wipes his eyes and blows his nose. Then he takes a few more deep breaths.
"I just can't believe he'd do this! Why would he have a fucking kid? Why would he want to? What the fuck is he thinking?"
Karkat, of course, doesn’t know how to answer that. He’s pretty sure he’s not actually meant to, but Dave’s silence tells him he should probably say something. But he genuinely never considered this scenario before. He knows that Dave doesn’t want to have kids, because he told him, a long time ago, and multiple times since, and he knows he doesn’t want to have kids either, because he still has never been able to fully wrap his head around the concept as a whole. And because Dave doesn’t want to. But as for anyone else, even their closest friends and family, he just doesn’t have a sense for what would factor into a decision like that. He doesn’t really have a sense for what makes a good parent apart from just being a good person. And Dirk and Jake are good people, and Dave knows that too. So he can’t seem to feel surprised by this development, let alone upset, and he still can’t figure out why Dave is so hurt. So he just keeps hugging him tight while he tries to find words, but Dave beats him to it.
"He's never wanted kids! There’s no way!"
"DID… HE TELL YOU THAT?"
"He didn't fucking have to! Fine, it never came up, OK? Because why would it? But I know Dirk! I know him better than anybody, and he's not a kids guy, he's just not. He's not a dad."
Karkat’s stomach sinks at Dave’s insistence that he knows Dirk better than anybody, wondering if the implication that Dirk likewise knows Dave better than anybody is also something he believes. If Dave thinks he knows Dirk better than Jake does, does he also think Dirk knows him better than Karkat does? Does he have a reason to think that? Does he want that?
But does it matter? Karkat reminds himself that he loves Dave more than he loves anybody else, and Dave is in pain, so there’s no time for him to play these kinds of mind games on himself. This isn’t about semantics, or even fundamental truth, and it’s certainly not a competition. This is about how Dave is feeling, and he's in pain. So he just makes a small hm noise to show that he’s listening, and hopefully to imply that he, at least vaguely, agrees. All he can hope is that it will buy him some more time to figure out what he can do that will actually help, at least before things get worse.
Dave likewise seems to not be sure what to do or say next. He continues to just stare in a downward angle at nothing, with an uncharacteristically plain look of distraught bewilderment plastered on his face. But then Dave’s face suddenly becomes sharper just before he speaks again, and his words come out sharper too.
“There’s no way this is what Dirk wants. No fucking way. This is all fucking Jake’s idea, I know it is. He loves to act all innocent like he doesn’t know he’s got Dirk in the palm of his hand, that he’d do absolutely anything for him at the drop of a hat, no questions asked, but of course he fucking knows! He knows full well that all he has to do is bat those pretty green eyes of his and drop some stupid fucking old timey words, and Dirk can’t possibly say no to him! And now Dirk and some innocent kid are gonna pay the ultimate price so good old Jake English can have his American fucking dream just like I'm sure he always wanted. Like he doesn’t know who he married, like he doesn’t fucking care.”
Now Karkat is really torn. He’s on Dave’s side- of course he is, he has to be, and he is. But he also doesn’t want there to be sides to this, and he still doesn’t quite understand why there needs to be. He’s on Dave’s side, but Jake is his friend. Jake is the only other person in the world who understands what it means to love a Strider- the ups and downs and ins and outs of all the many ways their hearts and minds work the same, but unlike anyone else’s. Jake’s the only other person who really understands how, and when, to integrate into their relationship with each other, and how and when to navigate around it. He’s the only other person who knows what it is to be loved by a Strider, how fully and freely they give their love to those they choose, and what an unmatched honor it is to receive it, but mostly, what a massive responsibility. No matter their differences, they share that unspoken understanding. It’s nothing like the bond their husbands share, but it’s something. Jake absolutely knows that Dirk would do anything for him, and that’s exactly why he would never make him do anything, not anything that truly mattered. Not this.
But what does he do with that? He’s on Dave’s side, so he has to do what Dave needs him to do. Maybe he just needs his fears assuaged. Maybe he’ll listen to reason.
“DAVE, I’M SORRY, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S REALLY FAIR...”
“Of course it’s not fucking fair!”
His simmering anger boils over, and now he’s yelling. Karkat releases him in his shock. He guessed wrong.
“Of course it’s not! I know Dirk’s a grown-ass man and he’s perfectly capable of making choices about his life and it’s none of my goddamn business! I know he wouldn't just jump into something like this without thinking it through! The man needs a pros and cons list to pick his fucking pizza toppings, he’s thought this through! And of course I know Jake loves him and wouldn't do anything to hurt him! And I know they’re not fucking stupid! I know he’s not him!”
He breathes in sharply, almost a gasp, apparently shocked and appalled at his own words. His hands return to his face and he begins to sob once more, but this time, he continues talking right through it.
“I know he’s not him! Fuck, I’ve spent thirteen fucking years learning to know he’s not him. And I do know! And I love Dirk so much, and he loves me, and that’s so important for both of us, and it took so much work to get there, and it still does, but it’s worth it because we need each other. And I know it would fucking kill him if he ever knew I was even thinking any of this, especially after all these years. It would destroy him, it would break his fucking heart, and believe me, I absolutely hate myself right now. I’m so disgusted with myself that I feel physically ill. But I’m sorry, I just can’t help it, OK? I love Dirk more than anyone after you and all I can think is that he has absolutely no business raising a kid. Not again. Not after…”
Dave pulls his hands down to just cover his mouth and sighs painfully into them. He manages to hold back tears now, or maybe he’s just all out, and just breathes deeply. Karkat puts one arm back around him.
“IT’S OK. IT’S OK.”
“I just told myself that it wasn’t his fault, he just couldn’t do it. He got stuck with a kid and got tasked by fucking destiny or some shit to make sure I’d be capable of surviving the apocalypse above all else, and he did his best, but he just doesn’t have the nurturing gene, or whatever. He's just not a dad- he couldn’t even bear to use the fucking word, that’s how much he wasn’t a dad. And that’s not his fault, it doesn’t make him a bad person. And that’s how I was able to forgive him. That’s the foundation on which all of this sits. But if it’s not even true, if Dirk Strider willingly becomes a father, if he’s a good father, then the problem was always me. He just didn’t want me. He didn't give a shit about me.”
Oh. Karkat suddenly feels thoroughly ashamed and incredibly stupid for not understanding before, but he very clearly understands now. He was so caught up in his insecurities over his very loose grasp on basic human culture that he didn’t even consider the one subject he knows better than any - his own matesprit, his husband. He had been looking at it through too wide a lens, racking his brain for a reason that a person would be so distressed about their brother becoming a father. But this was never about people and their brothers, this is about Dave and Dirk. And him.
He begins to gently rub his hand up and down Dave’s arm, wanting to give some form of additional affection, to try to somehow indicate that he finally gets it, but not wanting to interrupt. Dave just briefly pauses to sigh before continuing.
"And if he’s a shitty father, well fucking good for me then I guess, there’s my validation, but at the cost of ruining the life of some other innocent kid who has nothing to do with any of it. So then, what, I’m either just complicit in some child’s suffering, or I throw away everything I’ve built with Dirk forever, and honestly, probably end up tearing the whole fucking family apart, and probably still don’t even make anything better for the kid? And I don’t want either of those, OK? And I also know that I have absolutely no right to even want anything out of this at all, cause it’s not about me, it’s not my decision, and it’s not even him.”
They just sit silently for another moment, then Dave slumps down and leans into Karkat’s shoulder, as if suddenly feeling all the energy gone from his body.
“He’s not him, right? He’s not him.”
Karkat wraps his other arm around Dave and pulls him into a proper hug.
“NO, HE’S NOT HIM. HE’S GONE. YOU DON’T HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM IF YOU CAN’T. BUT DIRK DOES LOVE YOU. AND WHETHER HE’S A GOOD DAD OR NOT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM, OK? AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU APART FROM THE FACT THAT HAVING YOU IN HIS LIFE MAKES HIM A BETTER PERSON. I PROMISE.”
Karkat gently cups Dave’s chin in his hand and lifts it so that they are looking directly into each other’s eyes, with only inches and a thin layer of tinted glass between them.
“AND I PROMISE THAT NOTHING HE DID TO YOU WAS YOUR FAULT, OK? IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.”
Dave wraps his arms tighter around Karkat and buries his face deeply into the armpit of his oversized sweater. They sit for another moment in silence aside from a few remaining sporadic, shuddering tears from Dave, and the low, steady purr echoing out from Karkat’s chest. Then, Dave suddenly pulls away.
“This is stupid. I’m sorry.”
Karkat quickly grabs at Dave's forearm to keep him from retreating any further.
“DON’T, DAVE. THIS ISN’T STUPID. YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH TOO MUCH BULLSHIT, YOU’RE ALLOWED TO AT LEAST FEEL IT.”
“What, like you haven’t?”
“WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT ME RIGHT NOW. IF SOME ALT!CONDESCE SUDDENLY SPRINGS UP AND STARTS A NEW TROLL GENOCIDE, OR ONE OF OUR BEST FRIENDS DECIDES TO GO ON A MURDER SPREE THROUGH OUR AIRDUCTS, THEN WE CAN TALK ABOUT MY SHIT, FAIR?”
Dave’s mouth twitches into a half smile, despite himself, but he quickly regrets the reaction and glances up at Karkat’s face apologetically. Karkat is now wearing a small smile of his own, confirming that the mention of his own deepest traumas was, in fact, purely intended as a bit of self-deprecating dark humor meant to put Dave at ease, and does not seem to have had a negative effect on him at all. Dave looks down again and releases his tension with a full exhale. He lets his body fall back against Karkat’s chest, and Karkat wraps his eager arms around him.
"Yeah, OK, fair."
Karkat kisses his head. Dave sighs again.
“I just really, genuinely, don’t know if I can handle this one. I truly have no idea what to do about it. What the fuck do I do, Karkat? What am I supposed to do?”
A cold rush of panic overtakes him at the question. Dave is directly asking him to fix this, asking him to make everything OK, and that's not something Dave does. It's not usually something he needs to do, because Karkat makes it a point to make everything OK for Dave before he even gets the chance to ask. But Karkat doesn't know how to make this OK, and no amount of wishing will change that. This is happening, and neither of them can stop it even if they wanted to, which, despite everything, Karkat still isn’t sure he does. So he takes a deep breath and decides to try again with just plain honesty.
“I THINK YOU TRUST YOUR BRO. I THINK THAT’S ALL YOU CAN DO. AND I UNDERSTAND THAT’S EASIER SAID THAN DONE, AND I UNDERSTAND WHY, BUT WHATEVER YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO DO IT, I’M HERE TO HELP, OK? WE'LL HANDLE IT TOGETHER.”
That's all he has, so he just has to wait to see if it's enough. He sits for one painfully long minute with nothing but the sound of Dave’s breathing to keep him grounded. The thought that he doesn’t actually know how he’s going to help Dave handle this keeps picking at the back of his thinkpan, but he just focuses on the rise and fall of Dave’s chest beneath his arms, and tells himself that he’ll figure it out. Even if he can never find the answers, and all he can do is inundate him with a downright excessive amount of love and affection, that’s at least something he’s good at. He buries his face in Dave’s neck and keeps waiting.
Finally, Dave sighs.
“Yeah. Yeah, OK.”