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Suna Rintarou has always loved the rain.
Maybe it's the chillier weather than usual that befalls the streets of Hyogo. Sometimes it's the calmness he feels as he subconsciously watches the little raindrops fall all over. Most of the time, it's the comfort it brings him knowing that the gods above are not all entirely immune to the sadness that the universe never fails to bestow among its subjects—immortal or not.
Today, Suna's just glad that his transparent umbrella and plaid scarf are put into good use as he slowly walks towards his destination.
Three steps more and he reaches another stoplight. 40 seconds left , Suna reads, as he watches the red-colored timer go down by the second, almost like a ticking time bomb. But a time bomb for what, he didn't know, and he didn't have the chance to think of it any further because soon enough he was once again swallowed by the crowd—all dying to get to where they had to go.
A few minutes passed by and Suna finds himself standing on the opposite side of his boyfriend's newly opened branch. Or so he thought, because the restaurant seems like it’s finally built and finished, but there are no lights inside to indicate that anyone is present at all.
If anyone was to ever see him now, it would probably look like he came straight out of a movie scene. What with his full-length cream blazer adding another layer to his already three-piece suit, topped with the laptop bag hanging by his left shoulder, all protected thanks to the umbrella that he holds with his right hand while he taps his phone three times on the other.
Only three times, because Miya Osamu is number 1 on his speed dial. And it only took one ring for his boyfriend to be on the other end of the line.
"Hey baby, I'm right outside. Are you sure today's the opening day?" Suna asks on the phone as he shifts from one foot to the other.
"We had a little change in the schedule, so we moved it to tomorrow. But come on inside, I prepared a little something for you, love." The man he has called his other half for 6 years answered with that ever so calm voice of his. Rintarou can’t help but think about how much Osamu’s voice reminds him of swimming in a lake on a hot summer day—peaceful. Osamu’s his rest from all the stress of the world, after all.
"Alright, I'll see ya in a bit." He then drops the call and walks two steps forward before he sees a red sedan passing by way too fast for his liking, making him come to a halt. Suna might have been in serious trouble if he had continued walking. It didn't help that the speed of the car caused road water to splatter across the bottom of his blazer. The one he recently bought solely for this occasion.
This is what happens when people are moving way too fast , Suna thought to himself before striding over to the front of the restaurant.
One knock, followed by another two. A mannerism that Suna had taught himself to do before entering a closed-door after accidentally catching his parents kissing when he was five years old. Of course, he's no longer bothered by two consenting adults sharing a well-deserved moment now, but the mannerism has stuck with him ever since.
He slid the door open and was instantly welcomed by the dark surrounding, save for his boyfriend in his Onigiri Miya uniform and apron, while he weirdly stood in the center with three little candles lining up the restaurant's counter.
This does not look like a restaurant opening at all. Rintarou snickers to himself, before the setting they’re in finally registered in his mind.
"Samu, baby, what's... all this?" He cautiously walks towards the other, warily familiarizing himself with the dim surrounding.
The taller man is confused about what the hell is happening. Sure, he’s starting to have an idea, but the longer he pushes the thought away, the more time he has left to think about what his decision will be.
Rintarou hated negative emotions, so he wasn't surprised when he suddenly felt nauseous as an indescribable aching started to creep inside of him.
"Suna Rintarou... I have loved you officially for about seven years now, maybe even more if we count the years I secretly pined over you when we were teens. I courted you for a year, and I couldn’t be more glad that we have continuously grown together as a couple, and as individuals, for six years already." Osamu starts the speech he prepared in a perfectly memorized manner, almost like he has practiced this scene for at least a million times.
Sweat started trickling down the side of Rintarou's usually stoic face as Osamu continued with his proclamation of love. And there is no doubt about it that Suna is trying to take all the words in and understand the sentences they are forming—or at least is attempting to. But it's difficult to concentrate when he knows a heart, maybe two, could break at the end of the night. And frankly, he doesn’t think he would ever be ready for that.
His boyfriend continued recalling their previous years together like Rintarou wasn't there to witness it all. Osamu even mentioned the first time they went grocery shopping, and how he never knew such a tedious task could instantly be one of his most favorite activities in the world. He relentlessly declared his never-ending love for Suna, like a devotee in a church on a dull Monday afternoon.
But no God is there to hear it. The mass has ended and soon another thing will follow suit.
"...I want to start this new milestone in my life the right way. With you, and this branch, I know I have nothing else to ask but this next one." The grey-haired man finishes his well-said speech and goes down to one knee. With eyes alight in anticipation, with lips quivering in burning expectation.
Don't. Please. For the love of God, Samu, I don't wanna hear it just yet.
"Suna Rintarou, my greatest love, my partner for life, will you marry me?" Osamu finally asks Suna’s most dreaded question, holding up an onigiri shaped ring box that carries easily one of the most dazzling rings that he has ever seen.
What a shame he's not gonna end up wearing it, or at least not tonight.. nor any time soon.
3, 2, 1... The taller man counts in his head before making a decision, as if his mind was gonna change within the few seconds he spared himself.
Osamu first hears Rintarou's hard "No" before he hears the accidental pop of champagne somewhere inside the restaurant. The lights suddenly went on and Suna is greeted by the shocked faces of their closest family and friends—all supposedly hidden like a group of thieves in the night. Well, it’s not like he could blame them for it. The Inarizaki High’s most famous pair, Suna-Osamu, weren't voted as "The Couple Most Likely to Get Married" back in their last prom for nothing.
And at one point in their meekly little lives, Suna thought they would be together until the end, too. Right now, he’s just hoping it’ll still come true.
"Can you- Can you give us a moment, please?" Rintarou asks—almost implores the five or so people that crowded the restaurant, and in a quick minute, they all managed to dash their way out. Who wouldn’t leave in such a situation, really? The moment only the two of them were left, the loudest silence ever recorded in history envelops the whole place.
The taller man can only slouch and stare at the ground. He didn't want to lift his head and face the questioning eyes of the man that he loves. He knew that those grey jewels hold the many many questions as to why he turned down the proposal he was waiting for his whole life.
Despite having the urge to just turn around and leave like everybody else, Suna knew it was only fair to tell Osamu his reasons—no matter how shallow it may make him out to be.
“Why?” Osamu breaks the silence first, and Suna finds himself staring right at his boyfriend’s bloodshot eyes. The same eyes that once looked at him like he was the only star in the world, now reflect the darkness from losing his sole source of light.
Suna was just as appalled at himself for rejecting him, but for the love of God, he can’t properly put his thoughts into speech, his feelings into words. “Baby, we’re just too young and it's too soon, we—” he barely managed to stutter out before he got cut off.
"Too young? Too soon? Are you hearing yourself right now, Rin? Who are you referring to, love? Because it clearly isn't us. It just can't be. Not when we've basically known each other our whole lives. Not when we're already practically married at this point. Not when in every future I envision, I am only with you." Osamu snarls at Suna, each word laced with venom he never knew was possible to possess.
The rain outside only fell stronger, and so did the tears leaving Rintarou's taupe-colored eyes.
"Listen to me, baby. Listen! We're only in our 20s. Our lives are only starting, you have your career and so do I." Suna starts explaining, or at least tries to, but the grey-haired man only continues to stare at him in disbelief.
"And what's wrong with getting married so early in our lives when isn't that the goal? Aren't we the endgame? Is this relationship a fucking joke to you, Rintarou?" Osamu cries as if his boyfriend of six years can't hear the desperation in his voice. He hastily removes his apron and throws it to the ground before blowing out the candles that lined the counter.
"God, why can't you fucking understand me, Samu? It's not that I don't want to get married to you. I just don't want it now!" Suna shouted the last sentence as if Osamu would understand his reasoning better, but the latter is no longer hearing a word he's saying.
"Stop it." And so he did.
Suna rarely pleads. In his 23 years of existence, he has only had to plead twice in his life. The first time when he was 8, he begged his parents to give him a younger sister because he was sick and tired of being an only child. They did give him an adorable baby girl, but they never let him forget his snotty little cries that helped make it happen. The second time when he was 19, he vigorously requested his professor to give him a second chance in a final project that his classmate just had to accidentally ruin on the day that it was due. He ended up only getting a B in that class, his first and only one in his whole college life. The memory of the last one still haunts him even now, which is why he never wanted to plead his way into anything else ever again after that.
Or so he thought, because if begging his lover to stay is a sin, he'd take Satan's throne over and over again.
"Osamu, no, baby please. Just—" Suna prodded further, hoping to catch a gleam of hope in Osamu's eyes.
"No, Rintarou, just.. just drop it alright?" The grey-haired man said with all the strength he had left. And at that exact moment, Rintarou's mobile phone started ringing. There goes your stupid fucking work again , Osamu bitterly whispered to himself. But the other man managed to hear him amidst the pouring rain and his breaking heart.
"I- I have to answer this, baby can you wait for me?" Rintarou asks. Both of them knew his question wasn't just about the conversation they were having. It was also about their relationship, their future, and the marriage that Osamu was just previously proposing.
"Just take the call, Rintarou. And take your career with you too. Your work is always getting in the way anyway, there’s not much of a difference now. Might as well marry that shit in your 20s, am I right?” sarcasm dripping from every word he spoke.
“I'm sorry... but if you can't say yes tonight, then I can't stay any longer." Osamu continued with his goodbye speech, then left the restaurant with the little prowess that remained inside him before he could even command himself to turn around and take it all back.
Who said it was easy to leave the man that you love, anyway?
But Suna's phone is still ringing, so with a heavy heart, he answered it and murmured silent yeses to his boss who he was currently cursing in his head. Maybe if only you called after I was done explaining, or after we kissed and made up. Maybe if you didn't call at all, Osamu would still be here with me.
"Mr. Rintarou, is that clear?" Suna finally said his last yes of the night. He found it ironic how out of all the yeses he uttered that day, the only request he refused was the one proposal that mattered the most.
That night, Rintarou knew, he did not just lose a lover and a future of them together. He also lost the Miya's, their high school friends, and his ability to love anyone else ever again.
———
Suna waited inside the restaurant for a few more hours with the flickering lights across the street as his only source of illumination. The rain never stopped pouring, what a perfect backdrop to my heart breaking , the man sarcastically thought to himself.
When it was clearer that no lover was coming back to mend his aching soul, he started on his journey back home. But in every corner that he turns, he remembers how excited he was to turn those same corners just hours ago. If it was up to him, he’d burn the streets that remind him of what went down tonight.
The same stoplight halted him from walking any further. He then directed his blazing glare towards the timer counting down the seconds until he can walk again. Because why the fuck can’t Osamu understand that he’s merely asking for time before he can agree to settle down and marry him?
Tears started clouding his vision once again, like his eyes ever recovered from the war he lost tonight. Rintarou didn’t even realize that he backed away from the small crowd of people waiting to cross the road and lingered in some dark street nearby.
He understood that that night, he's glad it is raining, not for the chilly weather nor the calmness his being no longer feels. He was grateful for the darkness of the hour and the cries of the heavens that conceal the mess he has made of himself.
Who else is there to see his heart break, or his eyes turn puffy from all the tears he shed? Who's there to witness him release his hold over the umbrella and get himself drenched from the mad pours of liquid that continue to hit him, reminding him that he is all alone to bear the pain now? Not one soul can possibly understand the torment that Suna's feeling.
And in that very moment, nobody was left to console him but the rain he so loved.
Please, if the gods really do exist, let this day be just a dream.
———
Rintarou woke up with a heaving chest and immediately reached for the glass of water on top of his bedside table. He first calmed himself and steadied his breathing before looking around the room to search for any signs that he’s back in reality. The brunette observed the dim orange light that surrounds his dark space, the rain pouring outside as shown by the clear floor to ceiling window of his penthouse, and the open laptop he always forgets to shut down before sleeping.
God, it’s been six years. Why can’t he leave my mind even for a few hours of peaceful sleep? Suna exasperatedly pondered, tired from having to wake up to the same nightmare for years. It’s especially more frequent during the rainy season, and what used to be one of his favorite things started to leave an agonizing feel on his skin.
What a lifeless life he has ended up living, and sure he’s in a financially better place now—maybe even mentally better as well. But emotionally? No, not really.
How do you expect someone to move on from separation and rejection that he himself caused?
It’s harder now that Osamu’s gone—his anchor no longer around to keep him grounded, for he already started a new love with someone else.
Just like what Suna thought the night of their break-up, his friends started distancing themselves from him, all taking the side of Osamu. He couldn’t really blame them, he’d take his boyfriend’s side too, any day.
Oh wait... ex. Ex-boyfriend. Rintarou still had to correct himself sometimes.
Even his best friend Atsumu, Osamu’s twin brother, couldn’t even return a text or two after what happened. Only Shinsuke checked up on him and sent him a little care package after the high fever he got from being drenched by the rain for too long. Only his high school captain stayed in touch, face always void of emotions. Sometimes it makes Suna wonder if he’s staying out of pity for the poor boy that lost everything in his life but the career that he prioritized.
The brunette looked over the digital clock beside his laptop, both on top of his desk, and saw that it’s only 3 in the morning. He decided to settle back to bed and catch some more sleep before he meets up with Shin later that day. His friend said he’s bringing someone along, and he wouldn’t want his few chances of making a new acquaintance to be ruined. It’s bad enough that he sucks at small talks, he can’t give an ugly first impression too.
With that in mind, Rintarou went back to sleep with a somehow calmer heart. Perfect for the brewing storm ahead.
———
It’s been 30 minutes since the time that Suna and Shin had set to meet. The former seats by the window side, his left elbow situated on top of the table while he uses his palm to rest his chin. He watches the people pass by the street outside, wondering how their lives have played out for them.
Wondering if they’ve also made choices they wished they didn’t.
For the nth time that day, he checked his phone to see if there’s any reply from Shin after he bombarded him with “wru?” His former captain is the most punctual human being he has ever met, so his tardiness is starting to worry Suna for a little bit.
A ping was heard from his device and he immediately read the message that notified him. “Sorry, he took too long to get ready. Will be there in 5.” Rintarou silently reads the text.
He hates how he’s suddenly reminded of Osamu, like he’s the whole world to the brunette. The gray-haired man was also frequently late—to school, to dates, even events. He says it’s either he’s too cool to attend anyway, or he needs enough time to look good if it’s worth spending any of his precious minute on.
Suna thinks he might be thinking too much of his ex-lover for days now, what with the dreams and all, that he’s starting to imagine him too. Because it's impossible that he’s the man standing beside Shin in the entrance of this cozy little cafe, looking so dashing in his perfectly dyed hair, khaki pants, inner white turtleneck sweater, and navy blue floor-length blazer. It hurts how this man he’s imagining as Osamu even has the black chained necklace that he has always loved wearing before. The only probable difference is the ring that serves as the pendant of the jewelry.
After a few seconds spent looking around the area, Shin finally found Suna and directed them to his place. As they near, with mouth agape, he starts to realize that the man... may just very well be Osamu himself. Dream of the devil and he shall appear.
Holy fuck, Shin, just what the hell are you up to? The brunette internally screamed, not knowing if he should head straight out of the cafe or drill a hole below him so he can escape from Osamu’s ever so beautiful blue-gray eyes.
Before Rintarou could even decide which choice was easier to execute, the pair already arrived in front of him. Both men looked at him funnily because of the position he's currently in—left hand on the chair beside him while he's on the edge of his seat, ready to bolt out any second like a fugitive captured on site. Suna hastily fixed himself and offered the two men a shy smile.
I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself . He chanted in his head while gesturing for the pair to take the seats across him.
"Uhh... what would you guys like to drink? Consider this my treat." Rintarou offered with a smile, he'd do anything to at least get just a few minutes to himself while he calms his beating heart. Anything but to take in the features of his ex-boyfriend that he hasn’t seen for years. Not that he hasn’t already taken a peek at his five o’clock shadow, his more defined jaw, or even his broader shoulders.
Seriously? Stop gawking, what the hell. Rintarou mentally scolded himself.
Just as he was about to stand up, a strong calloused hand reached out and grabbed his arm, ceasing him from moving any further and breathing any air in. "It's on me, Rin. I was the one who insisted on coming anyway. Please, just take a seat." Osamu calmly stated with a refreshing smile plastered on his face.
Rin. I haven't heard that nickname in a long time. The taller man could only nod and limply take back his seat as the other man started walking towards the counter.
If shameplant was a person, he would no doubt be Suna Rintarou—ever so sensitive to the touch of one Miya Osamu. Like a delicate flower that shies away from the littlest stroke of anyone that dares come close.
As soon as Osamu was out of earshot, Suna immediately directed his accusing gaze towards Shin. The latter looked smug and amused from the show he just witnessed from the two. He crossed his arms and leaned back a little in his seat, as if already sensing Rintarou bombarding him with questions.
"Kita Shinsuke. What the fuck? I can't believe you tricked me into this!" Suna almost hysterically whisper-yelled at the older man, too frantic to think of the bizarre look the person from the table beside them was giving him.
"Whatever do you mean? I said I was bringing someone along, didn't I?" Kita answered coolly, and if Suna didn’t know any better, he would have fallen for his innocent act too. The accusations he’s throwing be damned. Except he knows exactly what the other did.
"You didn't say that someone was my ex! God, I can't believe this. Do I look okay? Did I look strange when he touched me? I fucking hate you, by the way! But do you think he thinks I still haven't gotten over him? I mean—" Rintarou continued rambling while he takes about a thousand look at his outfit— white collared long sleeves topped with a comfy army green-colored sweater with a big white stripe in the middle, finished with a dark denim jacket, light washed jeans that are folded in the bottom and some white Nike Air Force 1.
"Stop freaking out, this is nothing. I wouldn't do something that'll harm you, alright? Trust me on this and don’t show how flustered you are, he's coming." Shin calmly told the alarmed brunette.
True enough, Osamu appeared with three cups on top of the tray he’s holding. “I got you your favorite, Iced Black Eye, right?” the gray-haired man eagerly offered one drink to Rintarou while he gave Kita the other cup.
“A latte, really?” Shinsuke deadpanned while observing the drink that was handed to him.
Osamu shyly scratched the back of his head lightly as if a kid caught eating candy. “Well... I really didn’t know what to get you so...” He tried to reason out while still sporting the slight smile he’s had for a while now.
“Osamu we have been friends for years, you know I love my green tea. But it’s fine, whatever.. that’ll do.” The former captain just said in defeat. He gestured for Osamu to take his seat once again.
Despite the small banter that occurred between the two latecomers, all Rintarou could think about at the time was that his ex-boyfriend still remembers his favorite drink after all these years. He knew he was fucked, because it’s probably wrong to feel the whole damn zoo in your stomach over such a simple thing.
Osamu may very well be an abyss that Rintarou just can't help from falling into.
The latter sighed as he thought, it’ll be a long day ahead for sure. It's not really easy to pretend that you've already moved on from someone, especially when that someone is right in front of you, after all.
———
In all honesty, Rintarou could hardly recall the conversation that occurred between the three for the past twenty minutes. Sure he knows the gist, he's somewhat aware of the answers he had given when asked about his life (mostly asked by Osamu because, well, they haven't really kept in touch ever since that night), and he’s conscious of the vanilla scent coming from the perfume that his ex never bothered to replace.
You can't really blame a man for getting lost in his only love's mellow eyes and addicting fragrance.
It's not like the small talks bore much weight to the brunette, apart from Kita's recently acquired rice field and Osamu's new branch in Tokyo, nothing that is of great importance popped up from the exchange of words. So when Shin had to ask him if he was listening, all Suna could really do was nod along like the oblivious man that he is.
"I'm not gonna beat around the bush any longer. The reason I really asked Shin for me to tag along today is that I want to know how you have been ever since what happened between us." Osamu cautiously uttered. Before Suna could even process what his ex-boyfriend just said, Shin placed both his palms on top of the table and stood up.
"I think this is my cue to leave you two to yourselves." Kita pronounced before going over to Rintarou's side and whispering a small "I'll be two blocks away, call me when you need me." before giving Osamu a wave and finally leaving.
The then inattentive man became disoriented all of a sudden, because one minute they were talking about the latest election results, and the next minute the topic was shifted to the past?
"I-I've been well…thank you for asking." The taller man managed to stutter out, somewhat still in a daze, afraid that the tears he kept hidden all those years would come rushing back out.
"I just wanna say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for suddenly proposing. I'm sorry for leaving you that night. For ending the relationship. I probably can't apologize for it enough." The one who dumped the other wistfully said in hopes of being forgiven.
"And yet you still left." Rintarou spoke in a small voice, as if subconsciously replying to what has just been said to him. It shocked both of them, two downcast pairs of eyes suddenly meeting.
Not one of them knew how long they were looking at each other, too lost in the damage that the past has brought them back, but the brunette broke the silence that enveloped their small table.
"I mean, yeah you left. But it's not like our break-up was solely your fault. I've made selfish decisions, and you only chose what's best for you, too." Suna said with a small smile that can fool anyone—even the only man who knew him better than himself.
"It's not like I haven't moved on or anything, so it's all good, really." Lie . But it’s a lie meant well to lighten the mood and repair the damage that his small remark has caused.
In the additional comment that Suna chose to share, despite the truth withheld, Osamu's eyes lit up with a big smile on his face. The former hasn't seen that look in a long time, so he let himself relish the small burst of euphoria that enveloped his blissful heart.
It's not every day that I get to see Samu at his best. And honestly, I don't want this to be the last.
"I'm so glad to hear that! God, you don't know how anxious I was about today. I'm happy to hear that you're all better now, because I am too. Actually, there's one more thing why I wanted to see you." Osamu looked at Rintarou, no longer expecting him to tear his heart out from what he'll say next.
"I'm getting married!" The shorter man announced with a light in his eyes that could put heavens to shame.
Wait. What?
Then it all dawned on Suna. He couldn't believe that he had forgotten their real status, too entranced by the pair of blue-gray eyes in front of him. Him and Osamu? Just two ex-lovers in the middle of one hot day in May. No more, no less.
Rintarou starts racking his brain to recall the boy he had seen in Osamu's feed when he first checked his account after they broke up. It was the last night of a tiring project in the company that he spent almost a year planning and executing. And although some champagne glasses and a hot relaxing flower tub to reward himself sound good enough, the man had one more thing in mind.
While laying on the bed after the refreshing bath he took, he reached over his phone and typed a name he has restricted himself from searching for about two years already. A night of sweet celebration, however, soon turned bitter when Suna saw the latest update from his ex-lover.
Miya Osamu is in a relationship with Akaashi Keiji
❤️ 5d ago
👍 Miya Atsumu and 186 others like this.
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Reading Samu’s new status started to clench his insides. Suna pondered for a solid second, but he soon decided that what’s seeing a few more comments about the latest couple? It couldn’t hurt more than it does now, right? Right?
Well... he couldn’t be more wrong.
Miya Atsumu: im so glad ya found someone who deserves yer love and dedication, Samu. take care of my ugly bro for me @Akaashi Keiji 🤣
└ Miya Osamu: stupid tsumu, we have the same face mf
└ Akaashi Keiji: Haha! Guess you can count on me on that one :)
Komori Motoya: literally my fave couple??!??? another day, another win for the gays 😌
└ Miya Atsumu: wdym fav couple? thought @Sakusa Kiyoomi and i were urs??
└ Komori Motoya: what, like u actually belive that?
└ Sakusa Kiyoomi: believe*
Kita Shinsuke: Congratulations! :)
└ Miya Osamu: thanks, shin! let’s get coffee sumtime x
└ Akaashi Keiji: Thank you, Kita! He prefers tea babe @Miya Osamu
└ Miya Osamu: oh damn mb hehe tea it is
Rintarou’s heart sunk further after reading some of the comments from their common friends. Well... ex-friends, at that. It's not the "thank god you finally moved on from your horrible ex" comments under the guise of "congrats on your newfound love" that hurts. What stabs the heart, twists the blade, and draws it back out is the fact that they're not wrong. Osamu does deserve his newfound happiness, even if it comes in the form of a serene-looking man, with glasses that frame his face perfectly, who also happens to look like he enjoys drinking tea while reading a classic book in the library on a lazy afternoon.
“He looks so much like an angel. How could I ever compete with that?” Rintarou muttered to himself, self-pity evident in his cracking voice.
He should have known that no competition is occurring when he already purposely forfeited the game in the first place.
When Atsumu, the only best friend he knew, said that Osamu found someone who deserves him, Suna knew it was true. Because that night, when the former bared his heart and soul in front of him and the closest people in their lives, all the latter ended up doing is ceasing their future shut without any hopes of ever being retrieved.
The brunette came back to the present, reminded that now is no time to be thinking about the past. Not when Osamu is still in front of him, angelic face too cheery.
It's harder to forget when you're painfully reminded of what you lost, after all.
Before his ex could even discern the tiny shards of broken glass currently cloaking his heart and the small fog of resentment forming in his head, Suna replied with a "Congratulations! I'm so happy to hear that!" with a forced smile that he could only hope the other man wouldn't notice.
"Thank you, thank you! I just- I just wanna put the past behind and start anew with Ji. He deserves to have the whole me, without any baggage left. I actually put up the new Tokyo branch for him and proposed there too. It's kinda my thing, I guess..." Osamu, too mesmerized about his fiancé, didn't see Rintarou's tightened grip on his cup after what he just said.
"Uhm, of course. I understand." Rintarou replied, wretched by the thought that he's now only a past scar that his ex-lover needs to heal from completely before he can give himself fully to another man.
He reached for his phone, simply pressing a few buttons and lazily dangling his finger on top of the screen above number 2, thinking if it's already time to call Kita to save him from this brand new level of hell on earth.
Number 2, because Osamu still holds the same place in his mind, his heart, and in his phone's speed dial. Too bad he no longer occupies the boyfriend role.
Before Suna could even decide if it's time to go, the other man spoke once again.
"You're actually invited to the wedding. It's on June 6th, Saturday. I'm hoping you're free? It'll be fun with you there, especially since the gang hasn't seen you for so long." he said with such an innocent smile.
Pfft, like they'll want me there.
"Of course! Why wouldn't they? I think it just got a bit awkward for a while, and all of us got busy and never got the chance to hang out again. But of course, if you can't make it, it's fine. I'm sure there'll be some other time for all of us to meet again." Osamu replied.
Suna was embarrassed for accidentally saying his mindless thought out loud. But he can't make a decision now, especially because his heart is still hurting like crazy. Discomfort settling in places where his blood should be. Whether he's going to the wedding or not is another problem for another day.
"I'm really busy these days so I'll have to get back to you on that. But I swear I'll try to squeeze it in if I can, I'll just have to check my sched to make sure." Lie. Your project literally just finished and you barely have a social life that the company even pays you to take your leave.
"You know I can't commit to something I'm not sure of." He added on a whim, not even realizing that it can mean another thing.
They shared an awkward laugh of some sort after that.
In fear of hearing one more news that can literally give him a heart attack, he made a poor excuse of the boss calling, to further sell his "busy career" lie. He congratulated Osamu again for his engagement and promised to attend the wedding if he could before doing what he had wanted the first time he saw his ex-boyfriend that day—escape as far away from him as possible.
———
Well, he didn't really reach very far. Not when Kita has some explaining to do just a few blocks away from where he was having his little world crashed.
"Why didn't you tell me he was getting married?!” Suna exclaimed at the other man who's casually looking for a suit from the numerous racks that occupied the shop. He's guessing that it's for the much-awaited wedding of the year.
"And what? Spoil the fun? Have you run away before you can even hear him out?" Kita responded flatly, already knowing where the conversation is heading to.
"Well, it sure wasn't fun for me! But I could at least have prepared myself... or something." The brunette stated defeatedly. It's another lie, of course, his third of the day.
If he knew that Osamu was meeting him to talk about his wedding, he never would have gone to the cafe. He would much rather stay at home and empty the bottle of wine he saved for special occasions just to feel a bit better, and get drunk, while he watches movies that could bring him to even more despair—just to match the mood. Maybe even listen to Taylor Swift's Champagne Problems in between breaks.
Anything but welcome the reality of his ex officially moving in another stage of life with a man that isn’t him.
"Right.." Kita pointedly looked at him with those unbelievably golden eyes. The taller man should've known that Shinsuke sees right through his lies.
"I just want you to see that he's happier now, which means it's time for you to step up and be happy too. You're competitive, aren't you? Would you seriously let that man ruin your chance to have a happy life while he's already doing so well with another guy?" Kita rambled further. Each word plunging one knife in Rintarou’s heart after the other.
"I know.. I know.. But how? I- I just can't believe he managed to forget everything just like that and meet me again like we didn't abruptly end our six years of relationship in one night." Tears started to pool in Rintarou's eyes, but he knew this haberdashery they were currently in is no place for his messy crying.
"He was able to move on because you were the one who gave him the reason to. Now, I'm not forcing you to attend the wedding, but I think it'll do you good to continuously face that he's not coming back. The choice will always be yours, remember that." And with that, Shin left him to pay for the suit that caught his eyes.
Rintarou hates how Shinsuke is always right.
———
Suna had almost forgotten how beautiful sunrises can be.
It has been years since he stayed up long enough to catch a glimpse at the crack of dawn. Now that he thinks about it, maybe the last time he actually appreciated the sky at its prettiest was with Osamu back on their last day in university. Their legs were dangling in the air as they reminisced the past four years of shared memories. Rintarou, despite being a bit taller, had smaller and more slender hands compared to Osamu's larger calloused ones. The culinary major had one of Suna's hands sandwiched in between his palms, protected from the world as he lightly brushed his thumb over the other's in a soothing manner.
Fairly innocent, with just the ample amount of intimacy, all under the morning sun’s rising beauty.
The moment is safely tucked in the corner of his heart, only unlocked during times of early mornings or new beginnings. But before his mind can travel any further to far more personal moments, Suna stopped himself to take a sip from his coffee with a double shot espresso like always. The strong kick it brings reminded him that today will mark the genesis of a love that will see the ends of forever.
A perpetual devotion between two souls, Akaashi Keiji and Miya Osamu.
Maybe it's an understatement to say that Rintarou did not get a wink of sleep last night, and hardly any rest for the past couple of nights, too. It's already the day of the wedding, but the brunette, ever conflicted, still do not know whether to stay in the comforts of his home, or go see the love of his life hold the hands of another and take his vows—the same ones he promised Rintarou a hundred times when they were younger.
He stares at Shinsuke's text from last night, a short "Let me know if you're coming, so we can go together" that he simply left on seen. But in the back of his mind, he knows what he would end up doing. Never mind the fact that it'll break his very core, crush his soul into tiny little pieces, and squeeze his heart open until there is nothing else that is left of him.
And just a few hours later Suna catches himself standing in front of the hall where the event will commence. He sees a number of people already rushing to enter the banquet, maybe because there are only about 20 mins left before the ceremony starts. But despite arriving half an hour early, he's still not completely certain if this is the right decision. After all, it is not only Osamu and his husband-to-be that will be there. It would also guarantee that he will see the Miyas and their closest friends—the same people who once cheered for the ex-lovers, who now probably abhor Rintarou and his gall to attend this wedding.
But his worries were soon stopped short when two familiar caring hands weighed down on his back, and upon turning to look at the people that interrupted his thoughts, a small gasp escaped Rintarou's lips out of surprise. There, in all their honorable glory, stands the parents Suna once considered his too, with a welcoming look on their faces.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't my third favorite boy. We haven't seen ya in a while now, have we, Rin?" The twins' father spoke first, with the ever teasing tone that was passed down to Atsumu. The remark made the young man relax and beam just like old times.
"Now don't go making fun of my baby boy now, old man! He might hide away again for another six years." Mama Miya calmly retorts, as serene as Osamu, but just as playful on the inside.
The brewing anxiety within Rintarou stilled for a minute, and his inside eased for a bit. But despite his remaining worries, he offered them a sincere laugh that he himself hasn't heard for years. And with a short "Don't worry, I won't go anywhere," the three of them entered the banquet hall together.
Of course, Osamu's parents had to sit somewhere closer, and Rintarou assured them that he would stay until the wedding reception. The brunette's eyes searched for a familiar face, preferably Shinsuke, since he's still unsure if the friends he hasn't seen for a long time will just be as welcoming. Before he can even whip his phone out to dial Kita's number, he already caught sight of a light gray hair with black tips at the ends, seating alone in the middle section of the hall.
As Suna walked towards him, his eyes followed the beautiful flower arrangements that lined the aisle. He notices the angelic contrast of the white ranunculus with the green spider mums, both alleviated by the divine charm of the baby's breath. For a moment he forgets about his heartache, because the venue alone is enough to reflect the purest form of love that will forever be sealed today.
He promptly reached the golden-eyed man who looked at him in astonishment, surprised that he managed to come after all. But before greetings can be exchanged between the two, a small cheer is heard from another side of the room. Rintarou should have known that it can only be because of Osamu gracing the hall, looking so dashing in his black tuxedo over a white long-sleeved polo, with a black bowtie and white boutonnière pinned on the left side of his suit, ready to take his place in front of the altar. He's accompanied by his twin brother, sporting a khaki-colored suit and Carolina blue necktie, with a smirk planted on his face.
Suna notices that their parents are now in front of the twins, mouthing words that he cannot understand. Maybe some last-minute advice or gag. And just a minute later they were already being ushered to their seats, while the marriage officiant took his place in the center.
"I thought you weren't coming." Rintarou hears Kita's whisper while his eyes are still fixated on his ex-lover, observing Osamu's face a little longer than permissible.
"What can I say? I'm a masochist, through and through." The taller man answered, which earned a small laugh from the other.
Both of them knew that today, Suna isn't there because he's addicted to the pain that seeing his ex-boyfriend brings. Right now, he is present to witness his only love be in love with someone else, and slowly learn to fully accept it in every fiber of his being. And hopefully, finally, move on from the torment that that night brought him.
The music started rolling in just a moment, signaling the arrival of the beloved groom, urging the guests to direct their gaze on the pretty man that captured Osamu's heart. The string quartet made it a point to play the sweetest instrumental version of Marylou Villegas' Falling for you, with each strum and pluck carving a thousand cuts on his fragile heart.
And when Rintarou sees the ethereal face of one Akaashi Keiji, he wonders for a second if the gods have already taken over the mortal world.
With a smile enough to light up the whole room, Keiji slowly walks down the aisle in his all-white suit, holding a bouquet almost similar to the flowers arranged on the side of the aisle, with deep blue eyes only looking forward—to Osamu and the life that awaits them both.
But despite the angel making his way to the altar, what Suna observed longer was the look in Osamu's eyes. The way it twinkles and it shines. The way it brims with happy tears upon seeing his fiancé make his dream wedding a reality. His soul is reflected in those blue-grey jewels, holding the many emotions that Osamu feels towards Akaashi.
Fondness. Warmth. Adoration. Love.
Rintarou held in every single tear he wanted to release, together with every emotion he felt for the man standing at the end of the aisle. He starts to think that maybe this was a bad decision. That seeing both grooms locked in a mesmerizing gaze, spellbound by each others’ glistening souls, would only crush him further to a lifelong prison.
The string quartet had stopped playing, Akaashi already managed to reach his anticipating groom, and the guests were prompted to take their seats, but Suna still stared at the loving couple. He watched the ceremony unfold, the exchanging of vows and rings, and the much-awaited kiss after they were pronounced husbands for life.
The brunette clapped together with all the family and friends that graced the wedding. He clapped because in just half an hour he was able to see how happy Osamu was with Akaashi. Maybe even happier than he was with him. Suna need not any more assurance that the man he loves is in better hands. And sure, tiny million needles still prick their way in his heart, reminding him every second he spent watching the ceremony that he wished it was him marrying Osamu instead.
But for Rintarou, what matters is that at least one of them is already free from the chains of the past, enjoying newfound freedom in someone else’s arms. For Rintarou, Osamu’s happiness is more than enough.
Before he can have a glimpse of the newly wedded couple’s kiss, he averted his gaze to give them a sense of privacy. The act is too intimate, the emotions are too real, and Suna was still not ready for that. He’s starting to think that maybe he never will be.
Lost in his thoughts, the brunette barely noticed Kita take a hold of his hand and guide him to the other side of the hall. The walls are adorned with the same flowers and ornaments, screaming purity and innocence. It wasn’t long before they found their way to their assigned table. Not too close, nor too far. Just enough to see the “just-got-married” look between the two husbands seated in the middle of the room.
“How are you feeling?” Kita asks Rintarou. He heard the question, he really did. But he didn’t have enough energy to respond at the moment. Shin didn’t expect a reply anyway, just one look at the taller man’s eyes is all the answer he needs.
Rintarou was physically present in the reception. He was clapping together with the guests, smiling when expected, chomping on the food served by the waiters of the banquet. But his mind is somewhere else — in his house about fifteen years ago. Back on the night that Osamu first stayed over.
The background music coming from the Street Fighter game on idle sounds real in his head. The DVD player is plugged in, ready to present the latest movie that Osamu got to borrow from the last video rental store of their village. Popcorn is freshly popped on top of the old stove. All forgotten inside the small world created under the entangled sheets of Rintarou’s full-size bed. The laughing starts to cease as they stare into each other's eyes, discovering the beauty in the way their feverish faces move closer to feel more of the other.
That night they shared their first kiss as a couple, minty breaths finding comfort in the lips of a lover.
Of course, Rintarou had to take a big gulp of water to snap out of his daydream, aware that he should stop reminiscing. Osamu just got married, after all. He informed Shin that he’s leaving for the restroom to freshen up, but his friend was too amused by the silly jokes and pleasantries of Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi’s best man, at the dinner toast to pay him any more attention than necessary.
He briskly walked across the hall to reach the restroom outside and avoid any stares from random guests. Not that anyone in particular is looking at him, wondering why the groom’s ex-boyfriend is invited to the wedding. But Rintarou didn’t have to worry about it any longer. He didn’t have time to. Because as soon as he entered the washroom he’s almost a hundred percent certain that he heard a banging in one of the stalls.
Holy fuck, is this place haunted? Suna didn’t dare move. If there’s one thing he’s most scared of, apart from losing Osamu, which he already did, are ghosts. Or anything superficial or unknown. Uncertainty is scary for him, which is why decisions are always met with rational and logical thinking. Anything beyond the realms of his calculating mind terrifies him to death.
He was unsure whether he should bolt right out now, or wait a little longer. He really needs to use the toilet, and it was silent after a few seconds that he started to question if the incident was just a fragment of his imagination. Maybe it was the gods’ way of waking him up from his more frequently occurring delusions.
But before he took another step, he opened and closed the restroom door, to trick the ghost (if it was really one) into thinking that he was no longer around. Big brain move , Rintarou snickered in his mind.
“Are they gone now?” A familiar voice whispered.
“Miya, shut the fuck up right now. I told you this was risky and disgusting! And aren’t you supposed to do the dinner toast after Bokuto?” Another voice grumblingly replied.
“Correction, curls, this is hot and exciting! And you know how that man can ramble on for days, babe. Now, where were we?” Atsumu fucking Miya answered back.
Suna had his mouth covered the whole time, eyes wide from the conversation he wished he weren’t around to hear. His feet were seemingly glued to the floor, afraid of making any sound that would reveal his presence around the two lovers doing god-knows-what in one bathroom stall.
But when the sounds of sloppy kisses and restrained moans started echoing, the brunette willed his body to escape as fast as he could from the place of sin. Never mind the fact that they’ll realize that someone was present while they were dirty humping.
What person in their right mind would fuck someone in the restroom in their own sibling’s wedding? God damn it, I really hate my life right now.
———
In just a minute, Rintarou has managed to return to the feast, glad that he’s now surrounded by the clashing voices of guests to erase the memory of the restroom fiasco. But he soon realized that Bokuto is done giving the toast and now it’s Atsumu’s turn to speak as Osamu’s best man. Suna knew just where the hell Atsumu was. His exit wasn’t very stealthy after all, so he figured that the bleach-dyed man would be appearing soon anyway and quietly went back to his seat.
Until he was stopped by the twins’ mother, asking if he could make a toast in Atsumu’s stead.
“I- Erina-san, you know I love you but maybe we should just wait for Atsumu instead? I’m sure he would be here any minute now.” Suna frantically replied, looking around the room for any signs of honey-colored hair or any form of help.
“Don’t get me started with that kid! Running off on his brother’s wedding like some punk. Won’t you please do it for me, dear? The guests are waiting and you’re the only friend who knows Osamu best after his twin.” Osamu’s mother pleaded further.
The brunette was hesitant. Not just because of his own heart that this day already managed to shatter more than he thought possible, but also because Osamu, or his husband, might not like the idea of him doing the toast at their reception. But just one look at the couple’s table and the encouraging smiles plastered on their faces and he knew he was done for.
One last circus act and maybe I should retire now from being a clown.
As soon as he stepped foot on stage, some guests started whispering amongst themselves. It’s no surprise, really, when Rintarou was brought to numerous family gatherings when he and Osamu were still together. They, too, thought that the former couple would get married someday.
Too bad the gods have other plans.
“Good evening, everyone! For those who don’t know me, I’m Suna Rintarou. One of Osamu’s close friends.” The brunette starts with a small introduction. But the ache in his heart makes its presence known in every word he utters.
“Forgive me if I don’t have any script prepared, so I guess I’ll just have to speak my heart out tonight.” Rintarou shyly begins his speech, afraid of what speaking his heart out actually means. It’s not every day that he’s asked to make a toast at his ex-boyfriend’s wedding, after all.
“I’ve known Osamu for about, is it seventeen now? Yeah, seventeen years. Wow, it’s been so long, huh?” He looks over at the gray-haired man for confirmation. But he averted his gaze right after, just to keep his mind clear and his sanity intact. He immediately caught sight of the table where their old high school friends are seated with sincere smiles on their faces.
Maybe I’m the only one left still stuck in the past.
“In those seventeen years, I admit that I’ve only been around for eleven. But it doesn’t matter when this man right here still remembers my favorite drink, just like best friends are supposed to. This is how I know that the Osamu I knew before, the one who only ever loves three things in life, is still the same man, if not better, that is married to Akaashi. Only three things: His family and friends, his cooking, and his boyfriend. Well, in this case, his husband. He’s not one to show such great affection through words, unlike Atsumu, his twin, but his actions make up for his lack of verbal expression.” Rintarou continued, barely realizing that the words were spoken before his mind registered the thought.
“He prepares a bento until midnight to wish you well for your endeavors the next day. He brings you home without question after a night of otsumami and beers. He makes his love known in mundane actions only he can make extra special. That’s how he is as a friend.” Suna witnessed Osamu become a man that others can depend on over the years that they were together, and he couldn’t have been more proud to share that with others.
“But when he's in love, he can be the most sickeningly sweet man that would never let you have an inch of doubt for his adoration. He wouldn’t stop at giving you the bare minimum, even if it meant seeking the ends of the Earth just to get a glimpse of your smile. I should know because once in my life, I was at the receiving end of this great man’s affection. But this isn't about me. So I just want to assure everyone that Akaashi is in excellent care, because the gods aren’t that generous to let a thousand of Miya Osamu come your way, irrevocably fall in love with you and stay for eternity.”
Suna announced every word from heart, freeing himself from the shackles of his past affair. He’s supposed to be utterly tortured, anguished from celebrating a love he wished was still his. But just one glance at the happy couple, their family and friends, and his ever-supportive high school captain, and the pain from his being starts to slowly seep out of him. A healing process that does not happen overnight. But the needles that stitched his torn heart are leisurely taking their time leaving the place that housed them for a long while.
“Osamu, I still do believe that we were good together, but certainly not good enough to be your last love. You know they always save the best for that, right? May I invite everyone to raise their glass for the two husbands! Thank you, and congratulations!” Cheers of applause are heard from the audience while he sees his greatest love give his most dashing smile. It's no longer directed to him, but for the man he just recently married. Osamu looks at Akaashi like he’s the only one that matters as he brings the latter’s left hand up for his lips to shower with the faintest kisses. Both lost in their own little world.
And at that moment, Rintarou knew that Osamu would have never been as happy if he was the one he got to marry. Maybe some great loves are supposed to end at some point, to prevent marring the memory of a beautiful experience.
Drained from the festivities and recent realizations, he makes his way down the stage, and out the hall. He figured he had done his part for today as a friend and an ex-lover. It's not like the lack of his presence would mean anything to anyone, after all.
But nearing the exit he saw the other twin, confidently standing with both his hands inside his pockets. Brown eyes and a faint smile directed at him. They shared a few seconds in tranquility before the other spoke first, breaking the years of silence.
“You know I still haven’t completely forgiven you, right?”
“Of course. I still haven’t excused myself just the same.”
“Still the same Taro, aren’t you?”
“And you’re still as resentful...and now publicly banging people too.”
“Wait... hey, that was you?! That was my boyfriend and not anyone random, just so you know. But never mind that. What you did just now was really cool of you. You should come by the house sometime. You know my parents love you like you’re their own.”
“Hmm... I’ll do my best.” And with that they both went their opposite ways, knowing that while their friendship may not come back as strong, it’s better than never crossing paths again. Rintarou knew that while Atsumu may hold grudges, and rightfully so for what he did to his twin, it’s only a matter of time before they start hanging out again, like brothers, like friends.
He traversed along the same hallways that he entered that noon to reach the parking lot and start his long journey home. But not before hearing the voice of one Kita Shinsuke, asking him to wait and scolding him for rudely leaving a friend alone. Both men managed to reach the brunette’s blue SUV before the drizzle turned to something more. The shorter man played some Adele to start the night of hard liquor, ugly wailings, and the rain that Suna Rintarou so loved—ever so present in the good and the bad.
Then tomorrow, I’ll start on my journey to being free.