Work Text:
CONSCIENCE
It was quite a horrid feeling really. The feeling bubbling in Tobio’s stomach, then filling his lungs, then finally hardening in his throat.
A distracted hand placed gently on Tobio’s shoulder blade. Tobio feared he would shatter at that moment and cut the delicate hand, leaving a scar behind. That’s all he was good for at the end of the day.
Why are you smiling? Why are you talking to me? Why are you so nice? Why don’t you hate me?
Please, hate me.
At the age of fifteen, Tobio believed he was bound to be hated.
DIALOGUE, AUTUMN 2012
TOBIO: Sugawara-senpai?
He asked, cheeks warm, hair sticking to his forehead, and messenger back swung over his shoulder.
KOUSHI: Kageyama! All finished with practice?
The rest of the team had left hours earlier. Tobio snuck back in the gym, convinced everyone had truly left.
TOBIO: Yeah.
KOUSHI: Good.
He never looked at Tobio, staring far off into the night sky.
TOBIO: See you tomorrow.
Why were you still here, Tobio wanted to ask.
KOUSHI: Before you go, I just wanted to let you know... that I don’t hate you Kageyama- kun . Frankly, I adore, yet am quite afraid of you at the same time.
He laughed, short and nervous.
KOUSHI: In a good way of course!
He looked at Tobio now, a bright spot in his eyes becoming a distraction for the younger.
TOBIO: Right. Thank you.
He replied, face now devoid of any color.
WHAT I DON’T KNOW
- The reason you don’t hate me
- Why my heart beat faster when you’re near or when you touch me
- Why the world seems bearable around you
- What I want to prove to you
WHAT I DO KNOW
- You’re Sugawara Koushi, Suga for short as some call you, seventeen years old, Karasuno High School third year, vice captain and substitute setter for the volleyball team
- You have a mole underneath your brown, left eye and are extra pretty when you smile
- I cannot help thinking of you
- I cannot help dreaming of you
- I cannot help wanting to be like you
- I want to prove something to you
DIALOGUE, SPRING 2013
TOBIO: Congratulations, Sugawara-senpai.
Tobio handed him a singular red rose, a pinkish hue lining his cheeks.
KOUSHI: Kageyama!
He whined, quickly pulling the younger in a tight embrace.
KOUSHI: Thank you. Thank you for everything.
No, Tobio wanted to say, chin tucked into the others shoulder, don’t thank me.
KOUSHI: You made everything worthwhile and I’m so excited to see where you’ll go.
Tobio shut his eyes tight, the light rumble of the other’s voice somehow rang in his own body.
KOUSHI: I’m so proud of you, Tobio.
Tobio’s heart dropped, the pressure near his eyebrows loosening in quick succession. Tobio wanted to reply with something, anything, but the lump grew thicker in his throat.
CONSCIENCE
“No one understands what is and is not important to you better than you do!”
TEXTS
- “good luck with today’s game :D”
- “don’t drink too much milk now! I won’t be able to stand it if you grow any taller >:(”
- “of course, your magnificent senpai Sugawara’s got your back. always remember that.”
MULTIPLE CHOICE
- admiration
- attachment
- motivation
- love
- all of the above
- none of the above
MORE TEXTS
- “kageyama-kuuuuuun T-T not my #2 jersey brb gonna cry for three years straight”
- “I’m so proud of you”
DIALOGUE, SPRING 2015
Tobio stood before his sister, who was visiting from Tokyo, with a pair of scissors.
MIWA: What is all this about?
She asked running slender fingers through his silky hair.
TOBIO: What do you mean?
MIWA: You have been cutting your own hair, or chopping rather, for like… forever.
The sound of calculated snips followed.
TOBIO: And? You wouldn’t have agreed if you didn’t want to. Plus, I am graduating tomorrow. I think I deserve to look decent.
Tobio relaxed his shoulders and closed his eyes, trustingly.
MIWA: Strange.
She laughed almost silently. Tobio frowned.
TOBIO: What?
MIWA: I never thought you cared about these things. Looks like you just grew up. Or?
She trailed off with side-eyes and a toothy smirk. Tobio scoffed, refusing to slip a smile or reveal the heat building up in his cheeks.
EVEN MORE TEXTS
- “safe travels! my jersey just came in the mail - hope you can hear my cheering all the way in brazil!”
- “so we were discussing role models in class today and one of my students mentioned you !!!!! they want to be the best setter in the world like kageyama-san !!!!!!”
- [Suga-san sent an attachment.jpeg]
CONSCIENCE & MEMORY
Tobio could’ve sworn he did not drink enough to truly be drunk. But the beverage, whatever it was, burned as it slid through his throat, burned as it traveled down his esophagus, and burned when it finally hit the pit of his stomach. The spotted lights surrounding him meshed into the rest of the background, liquefying on the beige wall, on the mahogany bar area, on the boy before him; creating a halo atop his head, as if deifying him. Tobio liked it that way.
The rest of their friends and acquaintances were long gone. A reunion consisting of a quick drink before a commute home, or to catch the departing team bus, or to get to bed before an early morning shift. It seemed as if hanging out by Coach Ukai’s shop were a lifetime ago, when innocence and boyish adrenaline were all they needed to keep them going.
“Kageyama,” Sugawara pointed a shaky finger to Tobio. Tobio hummed in reply, head supported by a fist digging into his cheek, looking back with bright fond eyes. Thinking about it later made Tobio’s spine twinge. “You have to let yourself be loved sometimes. Even though hatred, passion, and pain can be synonymous at times,” Sugawara hiccuped before continuing, “You just have to let yourself be loved.”
Tobio furrowed his eyebrows, staring deeper into the boy before him. Milky skin flavored by rosy cheeks. Silver curls embroidered by the hazy halo. Golden drink swirling past flushed, succulent lips. A bony, accessory-less, hand resting merely centimeters from Tobio, too hard to not touch.
“It’s okay. You can kiss me if you’d like, Tobio.”
WHAT I DON’T KNOW
- Why you won’t let me adopt a cat
- Where my life would be without you
WHAT I DO KNOW
- You’re Koushi, twenty-seven years old, elementary school teacher
- The sound of your voice in the morning
- Where your other moles hide
- I am allowed to love and be loved