Work Text:
No. No no. NO!
Not like this! Not when we only a few step away from victory.
So Bong crawling her body out. Reaching Cheoljong that only finger tip away from her. Her heart throbbing more harder than her wounds.
No! Please don’t let me go now please don’t! I can’t leave him behind!
She endure her pain away. Shutting her eyes as if it will lessen any pain that she hold. The feeling of drifting away from consciousness. This is her fault. She should just let Cheoljong fail. She shouldn’t help him, fight for him, or even fell for him. If only she have the same guts like So Yong, to just give up. Failing sound much more of a comfort than just fail at last minute like this.
“So Yong-”
Silence.
That voice that she lose while ago. The voice that she missed as part of her. She opened her eyes. Glanching at the man the she used to be. They were somewhere. Dark and deep. This cannot be. So Bong let her tears fall. All her pain being gone, but her heart throbbing like chaos. She’s feeling dizzy. She want to puke. She fail. Fate really making it clear, that it can’t be challenge.
“Arghhhhhh! What is the point sending me back to Joseon??!!! Just to make me fail again?”
This frustration came to her again, the same feeling of failling to save her cousin, Hongyeon and Lady Choi. The feeling of helplessness to save the people she cherished the most. She pull her hair out of frustration.
And now? Why her self; Jang Bonghwan, chose to show it self in front of her. Did he came to insult her? To tell her that either way around, she will not survive. To tell her, even in modern era she will be as helplessness as she is now?
“Why?”she didn’t elaborate more her question. As if understand her frustration that man coming to her. Slowly with the expression she cannot describe with her eyes full of tears. Kneeling infront of her. Staring at her, through her walls of emotions.
“-So Yong”
“Who are you in my body?”she take that man collar. Full of demand. “Why you have the decency to take my body? And why are you calling me like that? I am the real Jang Bonghwan! Please take me back, I can’t. This is bullshit. I tried everything, but everything when shit. Why?!”
She coke on her emotion. Joseon really is a harsh era. Full of corrupt and nepotism. She miss modern era. To the least, there is a slight change she might fall in love more gently than this. She should just jump to the lake again. Maybe she should just take her live once again.
“So Yong, hear me out!”that voice snap. Eyes full of the same frustration. Emotion that linger into the same despair that she hold. Tears holding on the edge of his eyes. Jang Bonghwan hold her shoulder tight. There is pittyness on both eyes of his eyes.
“Wake up. This is not right. So look at me,”So Bong look at this man through. Those dark eyes that somehow familiar gaze at her. She tried to search this man explaination.
“Look Around Kim So Yong-”
“-there’s only one reason you’ll kill me.”
She breath. She blink once, twice and turning quickly-she lose her breath on the process. Only a moment ago dark deep inside her mind, now she’s here.
“It’s because I’m weaker than you!”the same adrenaline runs to her. Watching this part of memories-illusion. Fight that months ago drive her blood runs wild.
“You wouldn’t have been able to attack me if i was stronger. That’s the reason.”
She pull his hands, direct his hand to push the pointy part of her hairpin deep into her neck. Challenge him with full force of emotion. Shaking his sense of justice. His eyes full of trauma and desperation that runs familiar but different visibly.
She know well the misunderstanding between her and Cheoljong. That night she went out, freeing her self onto alcohol and pretty women. Filling her lonely heart that ache despite her free demeneor. Laughing her worry away upon modern era that somehow she accept as the reality that was hers. She didn’t even know why he chased her. But she was late to process the condition, the swords already taunt her neck that night. Smell of jasmine that surrounding him just like how he smell now. She is angry towards him. Cheoljong who refuse to hear any explaination. Cheoljong who judge her behind his grudge towards her clan.
“Now, try again. Proof yourself, you only murderrer that kills the weak.”she snarls back. Didn’t even flinch a bit, full of passion.
She knows Cheoljong. His history as a black sheep. That kept alive so he can be used in the near future. The boy who lost all his family, leaving him alive with all the guiltiness of his family. Bearing himself to stay strong inside the palace that put sword on his neck at all time. The boy that use façade of obidient king.
They should stay away from each other, the grudges that he hold will only eating them away.
“-I take your offer. We’ll do No-touchie.”
His eyes search her, desperately steadying his word between breath and the coldness of the lake. She push his chest. Glaring at him angrily. What force that kept making them coming together? At what cost she have to keep him away from her path?
“-just let me go! You want me to die right?”she know this well. She also desprately want to go out of this. She could just jump and knock on death’s door, then she will be free. The nagging feeling that she didn’t belong here, scream at her. She don’t belong here, surrounded with people that only knows her from her façade of perfectness.
And why her brain choose to make her sense back on this time? Why?
Why she was aware on that time? Aware of her thought that dying was her only change of freedom. But tragically not because of idea of the future of modern era that awaits her. Not even the body of Jang Bonghwan. Or the lake ghost that reach her? Why she was aware of the feeeling that she supressed. But before she process it, it when away with her screaming. To the person that just save her, who ironically also the one that tried to kill her. Why his voice of helplessness making her heart beat fast. Making her heart longe to the saviour that she wish always there.
Why now? Why he accept her that way? Accept her truce in the middle of midst of her own destruction. Accept her, when she willingly let her self go again. Why now?
She breath again, quickly the stage move. Still drench with water from the lake. Her father coming to her full of worry and façade she wish she didn’t inherited from him. She knows he’s not worried about. He worried of the wealthiness that fill his storage. He worried, that another shenanigas she’ll do only affecting her sovereignity. He will lose everything, but to the least she know she is his last of his worried now.
Does he even know her burden? The burden the death of someone she cherished but she never met. The burden of high expectation that he put toward her. The burden of the family that use her whole life to achieve power. Does he even cared about her?
“Do you know what I was thinking when I threw myself into the lake?”she demand her father. She know it will be no answer.
“The life that I thought was mine was all lie. Even the dream I had was not mine. I failed at everything. That’s why I threw myself away.”
She hold her breath away. Holding the anger that linger around her heart. Holding the tears of realization that long ago slapped her hard. She now remember it, that beneath her consciousness, she admit that she lose herself. She lose her self that she loves. The version of her that she never show to anybody. The flaws that she hide. The flaws that she proud of.
“The day when your dream come true, I lost the person I cherished the most. Myself. Is it you the one that pushed me into the lake.”
She walked away. Holding the ache that punch her chest so hard. Slapping another reality and truth. She sway away.
In the end, Kim So Yong was bound to fall. Either by losing her life or losing herself.
“So Yong-aa!”
She blink again, taking slow steady breath on this realm. The illusion came from her memory. Build with righteousness that she supress. Deep inside her, underneath those layer that just came back to her as it rush her brain full with memory. Then-she catch a glimpse of a lady, sitting on the steps of the cot. She is still near the lake. Bound endlessly to this sacred place.
“What are you doing here So Yong-aa?”she sound worried. Her eyes full of concern. “So Yong-aa you have to come back okay? Is it not your time. Do you understand that?!”she sound like Lady Choi. Lots of nagging and request.
The lady reach her hands. Caressing her gently, the familiarity soak her soul. She feel, she should know her but she didn’t. The lady keep checking on her body, as if she refuse to believe her existences.
“But I failed. Again. There’s no hope left behind here,”She point out her mind. Her worried and biggest nightmare. She might come back now to the near future that slowly vanish behind her mind. Carrying guilt and failure on her back.
“So Yong-aa can you look at me,”she obey her looking the lady infront her full of determination.
“You rebelious child, you maybe did lot of mistakes and troubles. But you, you haven’t lost.”she hear those words as the lady take her chin. Smiling bright than any sunshine could give.
“Look over there-”
The lady point at Cheoljong, and herself that standing there. Staring into each other eyes.
“-then why do you like me?”she can hear Cheoljong breath as he staring at her. Full of admiration that she crave but deny.
“You are arrogant, selfish, and rough around the edges. And you are never consistent. You are full of flaws.”she remember him saying that. Filling her with insult of her self and dignity. Filling her more with questions that she refuse to find the answer.
“That’s right, so don’t like me!”
“-But I still like you. Even if you have more flaws than anybody else in the world, -I still like you.”
She stared back again on to the lady eyes. Hearing those lines again, really testing her. The throbbing of her heart, beating differently this time. Not because of angry or despair. The feeling of acceptance that she yearn all her life. The admiration that she always wish silencely. She is happy hearing those. But she’s not So Yong.
“You can’t leave now So Yong-aa, not when you finally found what you lost.”
She bite her lips tightly. She realized that. But at what cost? Which fate again that she have to gamble to fight the universe.
“I’m not Kim So Yong. I don’t belong here. I belong in the future. Not this shits hole.”
The lady laugh hearing her hissing. “Are you that sure you’re not Kim So Yong?”
The lady smiled smugly. As if insulting her.
“Then, why we are here So Yong-aa?”
They are still beside the lake. The same lake that took and give her many things. The silence witness of her façade and herself.
“If you think you are Jang Bonghwan, then why is it not the modern era that you seek?”
She tighthen her holds. She doesn’t quite know since when she’s holding her breath. It hurts. It painfull. The truth behind those questions punch her into some sense.
If she’s not this woman, why would she stood herself up? Challenge Cheoljong with all her might and strength. Threaten him into the edge so bad that it also hurt his honor. Is she fighting him in sense of justice? Or Is she fighting him because how he disrespect her dignity?
Why would she deny Cheoljong’s request to accept her truce;no-touchie so bad? Is it because how painfull those acceptance? Is it because how it cost all her walls of façade for this man to even look at her?
Why would she pushed her father away? By confessing her burden, by telling him how she lost her self because of him. How she lost what she cherished the most by carrying his expectation and his mother death? Why she confessed to him in the first place?
If she’s not Kim So Yong, she wouldn’t do any of those. Challenging Cheoljong to his nerve, just for a mere dignity she thought she didn’t have. If she’s not Kim So Yong, she wouldn’t deny Cheoljong request that hard, because the acceptance didn’t hurt her at all. If she’s not Kim So Yong, she wouldn’t stated her honest confession full of burden to that old man. If she’s not Kim So Yong, she wouldn’t fell this hard to Cheoljong.
She barely recognize herself there, after all-she spent most of her life being this façade her family told herself to do. She didn’t have any opportunity to be what she can be.
“So Yong-aa,”the lady hold her face. Wipping tears that drenching her cheeks. The lady smile smugly at her, looking proud.
“-my daughter.”
Her eyes went wide. Clearing her eyes, as she try to contain her sobs. That’s why she feel familiar.
The lady ruffle her hair jokingly, “I’m sorry for leaving you behind. I don’t know you will be this hurt losing someone you barely remember."her smile grows wide.
“So Yong-aa, you are stronger and braver than you might think.”
Her mother pinch her cheeks it hurts a bit but she giggled at the gesture. How she yearn this small gesture, that is full of affection.
“Jang Bonghwan is you. An expression of hate that created the being that granted all your wish. Granted you to pull out the façade you hate so much. But -my daughter,”
“-you can’t hate and hide yourself all the time. I feel hurt you know! You are the good omen that I’m proud of!”
She laugh at the antic. Happiness filling her lungs and soul. As she smile widely hearing those.
“Ya! Don’t laugh at your mother, I’m serious!”
She take step closer. Hugging this woman that after all this time was here, watching her. Crazy how she gave her life, and still manage to come back here saving her once again. She hears all of them, trying to leave imprint of this memory much more longer.
“Now, you come back So Yong-aa. Never came until your time ready okay?”she nodded hurriedly between sobs.
“I’ll fight you if you left your child motherless,”she laugh at the snarls. Behind those soft threat she can hear regret that she chose not to show.
“-yes, mother. Thank you.”
She then shut her eyes. Passing by all her memories, all her regrets and selfdoubt.
After all this time, she is Kim So Yong.
The crackhead lady that so good at cooking, like to cause trouble but love her underlings dearly. Who’s ambitious and bright. Determine of her own goals, and would do anything to achieve all the things she want.
She is her mother’s good omen. The daughter that chose to be herself and living in better place. Living her life doing all the things her mother can’t do.
Her façade now long gone, this is her now. The real Kim So Yong.
.
.
.
-when she open her eyes, her finger tips reach her Cheoljong.
.
.
.