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In the dark of the night he hurried, desperately writing down the words he needed to say, ones that were too heavy to say out loud. What was Karl supposed to do with these feelings? They were so overwhelming.
His breath would hitch, his breathing would pause anytime the boisterous man would enter the room. He would feel his eyes follow the man, quickly moving from his hands, to his hair, to his eyes, to his lips— Karl shook his head, dispersing his thoughts.
Hands shaking, he scrawled words onto pristine paper. He needed to get the thoughts down, in hopes that they would go away, in fear that they wouldn’t last forever.
“I need,” his voice broke,” I can’t— help.”
One hand gripped his chest, the other moved with speed, he tried to slow his breathing— tried to calm the tears that began to form in the back of his eyes.
Who knew that on a calm night like this, Karl would be panicking. Partly because of the realization of his own feelings towards the cheerful man, partly because of how close it was, at the possibilities.
He choked back a sob, letting out a shaky breath as the ink from his pen covered his hands in darkness.
Would Sapnap appreciate the lengths he went for him? Would he hurry over and care for his pale skin? Would he help him clean up? Would he smile at the poetry he wrote for him?
A small smile grew on Karl’s face at the thought of the other man, tears still fresh on his cheeks. Sapnap. He paused his movements, bringing the hand from his chest to his cheek, wiping the wetness away.
“Karl?”
He quickly snapped his head at the voice, eyes widening upon meeting concerned ones. He quickly tried hiding his face, putting his head in his hands.
“Karl? What’s wrong?” Sapnap hurried over to him, grabbing his wrists.
“Nothing,” Karl said, attempting to shake off the firm grip that Sapnap had on him.
“You’re crying.” Sapnap whispered.
Karl’s sniffles filled the small room.
“Karl, your hands.”
He quickly moved his hands behind him, hiding and breaking the other’s grip, leaving them hanging in the air. The action exposed his face, the tears, and fearful expression to the one man he wasn’t expecting to enter but secretly longed for.
Sapnap let his hands float for a moment. Eyes searching Karl’s own before gently holding his face.
Sapnap’s hands were warm. More so than the fireplace from the living room, more than the morning sun on deficient skin, and even lovelier than a fresh pastry straight from the oven. Karl couldn’t look away, his mouth slightly open in awe.
Sapnap moved his thumb under Karl’s eye, softly wiping. How was he always so gentle with him? His movements fluid like the spring breeze. Jarring at first, yet bringing the wonderful taste of morning dew that Karl loved. Sapnap smoked him, heated him up like the unfiltered flame, leaving scars on his skin and a memory ingrained in his heart.
They held eye contact before Sapnap’s eyes traveled across his body, inspecting for the cause of Karl’s distress, landing on his lips on more than one occasion. Karl felt his face heat up. He moved his head, Sapnap’s palms stopping him.
“Karl,” Sapnap whispered.
“It’s nothing, Nick.”
“You wouldn’t be crying if it was nothing.” Sapnap moved closer, bringing his own face centimeters away from Karl’s. “Your eyes, Karl.”
He needed to move. “What about my eyes?” He couldn’t.
“They’re red,” his breath brushed over Karl’s face, “why are you sad, Karl?”
Karl closed his eyes, if he couldn’t use his hands to hide his pain, he would run. “Nick,” he breathed.
“Why are your hands covered in ink?”
“Nick.” His voice wavered.
“Karl?” Sapnap whispered his name in his ear. He was so close. He was within reach, if Karl only took his hands and pushed him away then maybe then he could breathe.
He brought his hands and placed them on Sapnap’s arms, “Please.”
“Please what, Karl?” Sapnap said, briefly placing his lips on his ear. Fleeting.
“At least let me say it,” his whole body was burning now. Sapnap was so close, so flirty— touching him. Karl tightened his hold. “Let me say it, Nick.”
Sapnap giggled, his voice deeper than it was before. “Karl,” he whispered in singsong, sending a current through Karl’s body.
“Nick, please.” His hands were going to leave bruises on Sapnap’s arms.
“Okay,” Sapnap moved, placing a small kiss on Karl’s temple before holding him at arm’s reach.
He cleared his throat, slightly averting his gaze for a moment before he steeled his will and looked at Sapnap directly. “I’m— I’m crying because of you.”
Sapnap’s eyebrows furrowed, “what do you mean?”
“I—” he sighed, “let me show you.”
Karl turned around, grabbing the sheet of paper that he panicked over moments before Sapnap entered the room. He carefully placed the pen into the cup with more stationary, dusting off his desk and staring at his hands. They were still shaking.
“Is that...” Sapnap let his question float in the air, unfinished.
Karl nodded, bringing the piece of paper in front of him. It was his manifesto, his declaration of pinning— containing the longinging and pent up feelings for a long time.
“Born of fire and steel, trails of hot coals left tepid on soft skin,” Karl began, watching Sapnap for his reaction.
“Hands—” his voice shook, “rough with practiced work, a careful trepidation fills the heart, but bravery—”
Sapnap’s eyes softened, encouraging Karl to continue.
“But bravery is a task not nearly dangerous enough for me,” he whispered as Sapnap stood. “For, I will take up the hunt, to faraway lands looking for the runaway.”
Sapnap took Karl’s face into his hands once again, this time filling him with warmth. Looking at him with love, Karl continued, “For victory, glory—”
Sapnap brought their faces together, pushing his lips against Karl’s. He froze for a moment before pushing back, hesitantly moving his lips before gaining courage as Sapnap responded. They stood in the small room, filling it with sounds of kissing and warm love.
They broke for air, softly panting in Sapnap’s hands. Karl moved his arms, hugging Sapnap and bringing them closer than before. “You didn’t let me finish, Nick.” Karl said, bottom lip slightly protruding.
Sapnap laughed, loud and unashamed. “Read me the rest, Karl.”
He smiled, exhaling sharply from his nose, “You chucklehead. Okay, Nick. For victory, glory, honor, and love.”
Sapnap’s smile was contagious, Karl didn’t know if his face would ever return to his resting face. His smile became his default. “Karl, I would also take up the hunt for you.”
“Really?” He giggled, “I didn’t know you were coordinated enough for that?”
“Hey!” Sapnap’s frown made Karl laugh louder than before. “This is how you show affection?”
“I literally just performed a poem for you.”
“You performed more than a poem.”
Karl rolled his eyes, “Okay.”
“Oh?” Sapnap moved his hands from Karl’s cheeks to the back of his neck, “no remark? Cat got your tongue?”
Karl smirked, “No, but I got yours.” Sapnap became red and flustered, sputtering out noises but not a fully developed word making Karl’s smile grow impossibly larger.
They stood in that room with their arms around each other, the outside winds were no longer tumultuous. They didn’t need a fireplace to warm them up, they had each other. As they moved to the living room, Karl let the sheet of paper fall on his desk. He never finished the poem, he didn’t have a need to anymore now that he no longer felt overwhelmed.
He was reassured now, yet someday he might need to go back to the small room. He might need to clench that pen with his fingers, might need to paint white with dark ink, might need to vent on paper, might need an escape from the world. Right now, with Sapnap’s arms wrapped around him, Karl breathed.
He didn’t need to worry about problems that would hound him in the future. He had comfort and he would be alight. He had someone to share his emotions with now, someone who would encourage him to become better— to be more open.
Karl felt Sapnap nuzzle his neck, his hair brushing against the underside of his chin, making him grin. Yes, right now he was happy. Surely, the tears that are to come are from happiness and not anguish.
“My Phlegethon hunter, hold my destiny in your palm and breathe the ashes of my sorrow.”