Archive of Our Own

It was nearing one a.m., but Buck didn’t care. He needed to leave his apartment, to get out of his own head. He was depressed…not that he would tell anyone that especially after the whole grocery store incident. Exhausting. Exhausting. You’re exhausting. He didn’t want to bother Maddie either. She was finally happy and with Chim, unloading his issues on her would be unfair. He should be happy though; he finally got back to the firehouse…with his family, but it seems that his “family” didn’t want him. It seemed that no one did these days. The cold shoulder from Bobby was probably the worst; the man was like a father to him and right now he was acting like his actual father. He just wanted to be back with the team, why couldn’t they understand that? The tall blonde walked down the dark, empty street, no destination in mind, he just needed to be somewhere other than alone in his empty place. But he was always alone; everyone at the 118 had someone to go home to. Everyone but him. He could count Christopher, but at this point, he wasn’t sure Eddie would ever let him see the kid again. He turned the corner, keeping his head down as tears blurred his eyes. Why did everyone leave him? What was wrong with him? Maddie, Abby, Aly, and now the 118. He wondered if he should even bother trying anymore. Maybe Eddie was right, maybe he was exhausting. He felt exhausted trying to keep up a happy face when in reality, he was slowly dying inside. Maybe he’d, and everyone else around him, would be better off if he just gave into the darkness and killed himself. If it hadn’t been for Christopher he might’ve just let himself drown at the pier. Probably would’ve been easier and no one would’ve thought of suicide. Another corner. He was on blood thinners, he could “accidently” cut himself and bleed out on the floor. Turn. It was getting colder. He knew the others wouldn’t care, maybe consider him selfish with his decision after all that he’d put them through, but would Maddie? Or would she be relieved just like when his parents were relieved when he decided to walk out at eighteen. The burden would be lifted. Turn. It was dark. No streetlights or moon. He should probably turn back and head home, though he was dreading his shift tomorrow. If he could just get through that, he could kill himself at night and no one would find him until it was too late. Buck sighed, wiping his nose, and raising his head. Wait…where the hell was he?

“Shit.” He hadn’t been paying attention to where he was going and now he was lost. He checked his pockets. And he left his phone at home. Idiot. Could he be even more of a screw-up? Buck hugged himself, shivering as he scanned the area. He was near a farmhouse and barn that appeared abandoned. There were no street signs either. He wondered if he should pick a direction and go or just lay down and freeze to death. Before he could decide, he heard a loud explosion followed by screaming for help. Buck turned around and he saw that the barn was on fire…and people were in there. Dismissing the thought that it was weird people were in the barn, instinct took over and he bolted through the field towards the burning structure. When he got there, he tried to open the door, but found it chained shut. He could see an orangey-red light glowing through the cracks and smoke seeping underneath the door.

“Hello?! Anyone in there?!”

“Help!” Someone coughed. “Help us, please. We can’t get out! We’re trapped!”

“Okay,” he breathed. “Okay, just hang on!” He looked around, trying to find something to break the lock. “Come on, come on.” He scrambled around until he found a rusted backhoe in the grass. “Yes!” He went back over to the door and began swinging at the chain. It only took a few tries before the lock broke. Buck threw the tool to the ground and ripped the doors open, immediately hit with a blast of hot air. The fire was growing quickly; he needed to hurry.

“Call out! Where are you?”

“Over here!”

Buck shielded his face from the heat, took a deep breath and rushed inside towards the voice. Not having gear or an oxygen mask was making a huge difference. Man, this was stupid, but this was the most action he had gotten in weeks. Dodging the flames, Buck moved to the back of the barn and his heart dropped at what he saw. Five girls, probably no older than fifteen, were locked in cages. What the hell was going on here? He would have to ask questions later.

“Don’t worry, I’m a firefighter, I’m gonna get you out. Just hang on.” Coughing harshly and eyes burning from the thickening smoke, Buck ran outside to grab the backhoe, bringing it back into the burning building.

“Please hurry!” One of the girls called out. “I can’t breathe!”

Buck tried to work quickly, despite his skin burning from the heat. His shirt clung to his back from sweat and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. By the time he reached the last cage, the blonde was lightheaded and nauseous. But he couldn’t give up…not when these girl’s lives were in his hands. The fire was roaring, swallowing the building whole.

“Let’s go!” He shouted, herding the girls outside into fresh air. They got away as far as they could before turning around and watching the scene before them, hacking and choking on the smoke they all inhaled. After catching his breath, Buck turned to the huddling girls. He wished he had his phone right now. He needed to get help.

“Are you guys okay? Who did this to you?”

“His name is Tom,” a redhead trembled. “He’s been kidnapping girls and keeping us captive for months…even selling a few. That’s Chelsea,” she pointed to a smaller blonde. “He picked her up tonight. His cigarette must’ve set the fire when he dropped it. We have to get out of here, he could be back at any moment!”

“Okay, just relax, you’re okay. You’re safe now.” He looked back at the fire as it began spreading to the attached house. He had no idea where they were, no way of calling 911, how the hell was he going to get these girls to safety? Maybe…

“In the house, is there a phone?”

The redhead nodded. “I think so, but you can’t go in there, the fire-”

“I’ll be quick, just wait here.”

“Please, don’t leave us,” Chelsea cried, clutching Buck’s wrist.

“I promise I’ll be right back.” He ran towards the burning building, praying he could find the phone before the whole house was burned down. He kicked down the door and scanned the area; the smoke was already thick, so he knew he didn’t have much time. Keeping his head low, Buck searched the house, hoping there weren’t other girls.

Suddenly he heard a loud clatter come from down the long hallway. Curious and having no luck with the phone, the blonde strode to the back room. There was a man huddled in the corner, counting cash, and smoking a cigarette. This had to be Tom…the guy hadn’t left. The floor creaked and Tom’s head snapped up.

“Hey! Who are you!?”

Buck didn’t even see the gun until it was in the kidnapper’s hand, pointed at him. He heard it go off, but it missed him narrowly. Tom used Buck’s moment of shock to push past him and run down the hall. The blonde chased after him angrily, ignoring the ache from, what he thought was, being slammed against the wall. When they got back into the main room, though, Buck knew they were screwed…the fire had reached them, and it was rapidly eating at the easily flammable wood.

Both men coughed, Buck wheezing and bending forward. How were they going to get out? Suddenly, Tom started running, taking a detour down another hallway.

“Wait!” Buck shouted. Despite the guy being a scumbag, he was the only one who knew the ways out. He stumbled through the building, his lungs growing heavy and eyes burning. Suddenly a sharp pain shot up through his side; he hissed and looked down, only to see bright red blood seeping through his sweatshirt…and fast. What the fuck? He had gotten shot, how the fuck had he not felt that until now? This day was just getting better and better. Pushing past the discomfort, Buck knew he had no time to deal with it right now. He had to get out of here. However, he could barely see; what he could see was a bunch of propane cylinders that the fire was inching closer and closer to. It was going to blow in seconds. Fuck. He could hear Bobby now. I told you, you weren’t ready, and this proves it. Hunching forward and choking on the thick smoke, Buck knew the only way out was through a window…and he was gonna have to jump through it and hope the cuts were minimal. Damn blood thinners. As he ran towards the nearest window, the blonde heard a loud groan from the burning wood, followed by an explosion. Glass and heat cut through his skin before he landed hard and hit his head, blacking out before he could see the house crumble and collapse on top of him.

Station 136 pulled up to the scene twenty minutes later after receiving a call about two loud explosions and the smell of smoke from a nearby farmhouse. They weren’t prepared to see five half naked girls huddling together and crying or that the farmhouse was nearly gone, the fire still roaring but not as bad as it had been. As they put it out, more ambulances and a couple of squad cars appeared.

“There was a guy that saved us…he went in there to find a phone,” a redhead girl cried while being covered in a blanket. “He never came out! Oh god, I should’ve told him not to go in.”

The firefighters shared a worried look. “Okay, miss,” Captain Sam Dixon said to her. “You’re gonna go with this officer here and she’s gonna take care of you. We’ll find him. Did he tell you his name?”

The girl shook her head. “I don’t even know where he came from. One minute the place is going up in flames, the next, he appeared…almost like an angel. He saved us,” she sniffed. “He saved us and now he’s dead.”

Sam pressed his lips together, gesturing for the officer to come over while he went back to his team. He wasn’t going to make empty promises to a girl who look like she went through hell. But he also wasn’t going to leave an innocent, good Samaritan buried under the rubble…dead or alive. “Looks like it’s a search and rescue for the time being. Treat this guy like he’s still living. We need to find him fast now that the fire is out.”

It took almost an hour for them to sift through the charred rubble and find Buck. An hour that he didn’t necessarily have.

“Cap! Over here! I think I found him! Jesus Christ,” Firefighter Hewitt swore when he uncovered the man’s body while the rest of the team rushed over. Buck looked dead…its possible that he was. His severely bruised face was tinted gray besides all the ash and soot covering most of it and his neck. His lips were blue, his eyelids were red, and the tips of his blonde hair were singed off.

“Check his pulse.”

Hewitt nodded and gently pressed his fingers against Buck’s neck. His eyes instantly went wide. “Holy shit, he’s alive!”

“Medics! I need medics over here!” Captain Dixon shouted. “Get the rest of that off him!” The more debris they removed, the worse the blonde looked. The whole bottom half of his sweatshirt was soaked in blood. His arm appeared broken and they were sure there were more internal injuries they couldn’t see.

Sam knelt down on the ground “How is he even…” He frowned. “Hold on a sec.” At first he thought it was a cut, maybe some blood or a burn, but when he tried wiping away the red mark above the guy’s left eyebrow and it didn’t go away, his heart dropped. “Shit.”

“What is it Cap?”

“I know him. It’s that Buckley kid from the 118…the one who got trapped underneath the firetruck last year. This isn’t good. I need medics now! We got a firefighter down!”

“What the hell is he doing all the way out here?” Hewitt questioned.

“I don’t know, but if we don’t get him to the hospital soon, he’s as good as dead. He’s lost too much blood.”

The medics finally arrived, assessing Buck quickly while getting him patched up and ready to transport.

“Firefighter Buckley!” Captain Dixon barked while patting the blonde’s ice cold cheek. “Buckley, can you hear me?”

The medics checked his pupils with a penlight. “Reaction is slow, definitely had a concussion. Pulse is extremely weak, blood pressure dropping. We need to get him out of here now.” They wrapped a cervical collar around Buck’s neck and carefully moved him onto a backboard. As they raised the gurney, the younger man’s throat made a sound gurgling. Captain Dixon ran to his side, following them towards the awaiting ambulance.

“Buckley? Firefighter Buckley open your eyes for me, son. Come on.”

It took a few moments, but the man’s eyes sluggishly flickered open, lazily scanning his surroundings. He had no idea where he was or where he was going. He figured everything should hurt, but he felt nothing. Numb. Why was he so cold? He could taste blood on his tongue, and it was hard to breathe even though there was an oxygen mask over his mouth. Voices faded in and out while blurred faces appeared in his vision. It reminded him of when he was on the gurney after the truck bombing. But that was over with, right? He wasn’t back in that hellish nightmare, was he? He choked, trying to raise his head, but found that he couldn’t move anything. Oh god, please don’t let him be paralyzed this time.

“Buckley!”

Bobby was yelling at him…which wasn’t a first. Wait…

“Firefighter Buckley!”

That didn’t sound like his captain. The guy that was like a father to him and now hated his guts. Why wouldn’t he though? Buck had betrayed him…the entire 118. He blinked wildly, trying to focus his vision. The man in firefighter gear walking next to him was unfamiliar. Buck’s eyes flicked to the helmet. 136. He remembered seeing them during the tsunami. They were good people…a good team. He had thought about transferring over at one point, but the 118 was his family. Well, had been his family. And now he was probably dying; he definitely felt like it. He swallowed thickly and tried to get his voice to work even though his throat was burning. He just needed to say one thing. One thing for this firefighter to tell his family, because even though they didn’t love him he would always love them, no matter what.

The man got closer when he realized Buck was trying to speak.

“BP is plummeting!” The medic shouted as they reached the ambulance.

“Wait,” Sam said. “He’s trying to say something.”

“He doesn’t have-”

“What’s that kid?” Sam leaned in, ear hovered right next to Buck’s mouth.

It was barely over a whisper. It sounded like it was painful for him to use his voice. Like he had swallowed a bunch of sand. But Sam heard it clearly. He had heard through the grapevine the kid sued LAFD and his station. It was rough. He could only guess that’s why the blonde was telling him this.

Buck’s eyes suddenly rolled to the back of his head and his chest stopped moving.

“He’s crashing! We got to go, now!”

They loaded the man onto the ambulance and the doors shut in Sam’s face, quickly speeding away. He watched sadly as it disappeared around the corner. He was not looking forward to notifying that kid’s captain.

“Tell ‘em…m’s-sorry.”

Three Hours Later

“Unbelievable,” Eddie muttered as he checked his watch for the fifth time. “The bastard sues the department, puts us all through the wringer and now doesn’t bother to show up?” Buck was almost forty-five minutes late and no one could get ahold of him.

“Maybe he’s sick,” Hen said. She turned to Chimney. “Has Maddie heard from him?”

“No. But she’s going over right now to his place to check on him.”

Eddie bit the inside of his lip. Part of him didn’t care that the younger firefighter wasn’t here, the guy was probably just trying to avoid the punishment he was getting from Bobby. But another part of him was worried. Buck rarely ever missed work. He even came in once when he had the flu. He sighed, looking at his phone, pushing down the fear and replacing it with anger.

“I knew we couldn’t trust him. It’s a good thing Bobby took him off the calls.”

“Eddie-” Hen began before Chimney’s phone rang.

“Hey, this is her,” he said as he answered. Immediately, they could hear Maddie’s panicked voice at the other end of the line. “Hey, hey, hey, slow down. What’s wrong?”

Eddie’s stomach churned and he stood up straight. What could be wrong? Did Buck have another embolism? Fall? Try to kill himself? Why would he assume Buck skipped on purpose? Something bad must’ve happened and he was here being an ass instead of having the man’s back.

“You can have my back any day.”

“And you can have mine.”

Boy, was he doing a piss poor job.

“Maddie, slow down. What do you mean he’s not there? No, don’t do that yet, hang on.” He pulled the phone away from his ear, a confused and worried look on his face. “She said Buck’s door was unlocked and his wallet, phone, keys and car are still there. Even his bed was unslept in.”

Eddie swallowed, sharing a nervous look with Hen. Where could the kid be?

“Alright, I’m gonna talk to, Bobby. Maybe Athena can help us. I’ll call you back in a minute.” Just as he was about to go to their captain’s office, a man appeared at the top of the stairs. It was another firefighter.

“I’m looking for Captain Nash, is he here?”

“Who are you?” Eddie asked.

“Captain Sam Dixon with the 136. It’s urgent that I speak with him.”

“What’s going on?” Bobby said, walking into the kitchen. “Captain Dixon, what can I do for you?”

“It’s about one of your men…Evan Buckley?”

There was a second of silence, a frown growing on the older man’s face. “What about him?” As they all listened to Captain Dixon retell the events of the night, the team felt sick to their stomach. They all stupidly assumed Buck was late when in reality he was hurt…bad. The boy loved his job, maybe more than life itself and now he was in critical condition, lying alone in a hospital bed once again. Why couldn’t the kid catch a break?

“Thank you, Captain,” Bobby cleared his throat of any emotion that was building up. “And thank you for saving him.”

Dixon smiled sadly. “It was a team effort. I really hope he pulls through; he seems like a good kid.”

“Yeah,” Bobby sighed. “Yeah, he is.” And they treated him so badly. All Buck wanted was to be back with them and he prevented the kid from returning. Not because Buck wasn’t ready, but because he wasn’t. He couldn’t stand to see the boy hurt again, but clearly it didn’t matter where Buck was. Danger seemed to find him anywhere.

“Oh,” Sam said before he turned to leave. “He said something to me before he was taken in the ambulance. He said, ‘tell them I’m sorry.’ I’m assuming he was talking about you guys.”

“Did he say what for?” Hen whispered, though she already knew.

The man shook his head and sighed. “No…that was all I could get before he…before his heart stopped.”

“He died?” Eddie choked, the counter being the only thing holding him up right now.

“I’m not sure for how long, but my team dropped him off at the hospital about an hour and a half ago and he was alive. I recommend getting there soon. I know what its like to lose men and women in this job. Things you’ve wanted to say to them go left unsaid and you’re eaten by guilt.”

That left them all speechless.

“It was a pleasure to meet you, Captain Nash. I’m sorry it was under these circumstances, though.”

Bobby cleared his throat and nodded. “Likewise. Thank you again.”

Once Sam left, the team stood in absolute silence. It was so quiet, they could probably hear a pin drop. Chim was working up the courage to call Maddie again, Bobby looked like he was about to crumble, Hen was crying, and Eddie looked like he was about to punch a wall.

“We were so mean to him,” Hen choked. She had given the blonde a peace offering with a cupcake, but she still fell in line with Bobby. Still didn’t have Buck’s back or take his side and make the others see reason. She was the poster woman for voicing reason, and she didn’t help the one person who needed it. “If he doesn’t make it-”

“He’s going to make it,” Bobby snapped before his shoulders sagged. “He’s going to be okay. We’re gonna go to the hospital, pray he wakes up and pray that he forgives us all for being jackasses. I’m gonna go call the chief so he can take us off the roster and then we’ll head out.”

When Bobby left, Eddie booked it down the stairs and into the locker room, collapsing on the bench. He buried his face in his hands, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes as he cried softly. He had been the worst to Buck, giving him the cold shoulder or dirty looks, not letting him see Chris, and saying horrible things under his breath…at the grocery store. How could the man ever forgive him for that? He sure as hell wouldn’t be able to for a very long time. Eddie hated himself right now and he was sure Christopher would too once he broke the news. God, how the hell was he gonna tell his kid that his Buck was dying?

The team sat in the family room, nervously waiting for Buck’s doctor to come and get them. Maddie was sitting away from the team, livid after Chim told them everything that had happened in the couple weeks.

“All he wanted was his family!” She had shouted at them, mainly towards Bobby. “All he wanted was to come back to you and you treat him like complete shit! If he dies, I will never forgive you. What the hell was he doing out there anyways, at one in the morning no less? I thought he was on a 24-hour shift with you guys?”

Bobby sighed, shrinking into his hole of guilt. “I sent him home early. But I don’t know why he was there or what happened exactly.”

“I do.” It was Athena. She looked unimpressed with them all, giving Bobby a ‘we’re gonna talk about this later’ look.

“I just got back from the precinct. A guy named Tom Morris was arrested after being identified using a sketch artist’s picture. He was a sex trafficker. Had five girls chained in a barn and it caught fire. Buck happened to be in the right place at the right time. The statement we got from the girls was that he bust open the door and saved them. When they all got out, Buck went into the connected house to find a phone since he didn’t have one. The next thing they knew the whole place exploded. When Morris was picked up, he confessed. Confessed to the trafficking, to shooting Buck and then leaving him there. The bastard narrowly escaped.”

“Evan was shot?” Maddie cried. “Oh my god. And the blood thinners-”

“Is what nearly killed him apparently. On top of being crushed by a house.”

The 118 was mortified. Sure, Buck would run into a burning building without a second thought. He was impulsive that way- which they all hated- but he had no gear, no protection, no oxygen. He almost got himself killed, because his need to save other people, his need to save those girls was more important than his own life. Evan Buckley’s worst and best trait was that he was selfless. It was a known fact that he would die for a complete stranger. He valued other people’s lives over his own and they all knew that one day that’d be the death of him. Why did Buck feel like his life was worth nothing? Did they make him feel that way? Why did they give the kid such a hard time? Why did they call him selfish and exhausting? Correction: why did Eddie? Buck was the best thing that had ever happened to him since Chris. He was always there for them no matter the time, no matter what it was. He would drop everything to help them. The man was far from those horrible words he had said in the store and now Eddie might not be able to tell him that. What the hell has he done?

The doctor finally appeared half an hour later, telling them how Buck was doing.

“He’s stable but…”

“But what?” Maddie said, wringing her hands together. “Please tell me he’s okay.”

“He’s far from it I’m afraid,” Dr. Burns grimly replied. “Aside from severe smoke inhalation and second degree burns, the gunshot wound to his side caused him to go into hypovolemic shock, the blood thinners he’s on made it a lot worse. He lost a lot, and it was very difficult to bring him back as his organs began shutting down. His heart stopped twice on the table and I was told once before he got here. Evan is currently on life support and breathing only with the help of a ventilator. He also suffered from a collapsed lung, several broken ribs, a concussion, a small brain bleed, some internal bleeding, and a broken left radius. I’m not going to lie to you. Evan’s in critical condition and it’s not looking good. It would frankly take a miracle for him to come back. I’ve seen people return from worse, but it’s all up to him at this point. I’m sorry I can’t give you better news.”

“What are you saying?” Eddie spoke up. “That we should…say goodbye?”

“I always hate to tell my patient’s family those words, because I know its not what they want to hear, but if he doesn’t pull through, I don’t want you to regret it.”

Maddie began sobbing, clinging to Chim despite being pissed with him. “When…when can we see him?”

“Right now, actually. Only two at a time though, please and limit the time to fifteen minutes each. One of you can stay the night, however, I’m sure he’d appreciate the company.”

Maddie went in first with Chimney and broke down in tears the second she saw his condition.

“Oh god, Evan,” she cried, collapsing in a chair next to his bed and carefully grabbing his unbroken arm, clinging to it desperately. “You can’t leave me, Evan. We’re supposed to being doing this together. What am I gonna do if you…”

Tears burned Chimney’s eyes, seeing his best-friend, the brother of his girlfriend, his brother, literally on his death bed with no way of knowing if he would make it out of this. No way of knowing if he’d be able to beg the guy for forgiveness for not having his back. He knew what it had been like to be isolated from the other members of the house when he first started. It had sucked and he had wanted nothing more than to fit in. That’s all Buck wanted; was to be with them and belong again.

“I’m so sorry, Maddie. I’m so sorry. We were horrible to him and I hate myself for not sticking by his side. I’ll won’t blame you if you never forgive me or even if you want to break up with me.”

Maddie scoffed. “It might take some time for me to forgive you; Buck wouldn’t even want me to be angry with you, but I need you right now. I can’t be alone, so I’m not breaking up with you…yet.”

Chim pressed his lips together and nodded. He placed his hands on Maddie’s shoulders and they stared at their unconscious family member together in silence.

They went home afterwards, Maddie wanting to get some things before returning to stay the night with her brother. Hen and Athena went in next, both taking a seat on either side of the bed. Athena leaned forward, brushing her surrogate son’s forehead while Hen held his cold hand in both of hers. They didn’t speak for a moment, listening to the clicks, puffs, and whirs of the ventilator and the steady beep of the heart monitor.

“Do you think he’ll forgive us?” Hen said quietly, staring at Buck’s lax face. It was weird to not see him smiling or talking. The kid’s smile always lit up a room and his random facts he babbled off amused her. Buck may have appeared dumb, but he was smart as hell.

“You know him, kid never holds a grudge,” Athena replied.

“Well, he should. We were jerks.”

“He loves too much to hate you guys. All he wanted was his family. He felt like if he didn’t have the job, he didn’t have you. Buck could feel you all drifting away.”

“Did he tell you that?”

Athena nodded. “And I’m gonna tell Bobby the same thing. Did you know I was the only one who really visited him after the tsunami? He was having a rough time, but no one even bothered to check in on him. And after the lawsuit was over, it happened again. You know he turned down the money, right?”

“He did? That was over a million dollars!”

“Like I said, he didn’t care about that.”

“God, way to make a woman feel like shit, ‘Thena.”

“As you should. I hope you guys plan on fixing it when he wakes up.”

Hen raised her head and frowned sadly.

“Because he will wake up,” the older woman continued, turning to the blonde. “Buck wouldn’t dare leave us, right baby? Because if you do, I will go up to Heaven myself and kick your ass back down here.”

Hen laughed, stroking the younger man’s knuckles. “We’re gonna give him the proper ‘Welcome Back’ party when he gets out. He deserves it. Come back to us, Buckaroo, please. We need you more than you think. You’re the glue that holds us together, the light in a dark room. Without you…” she sniffed. “We can’t lose you. I can’t lose you.”

When it was Bobby’s turn he hesitated in the door for a good five minutes. He was afraid; afraid that he would do yet another thing to screw things up with Buck. After swallowing his fear, Bobby walked into the room and stood at the end of the bed, clutching the rail. The kid looked horrible. His face, besides being cut up and bruised, was colorless, his lips a dark blue and shadows underneath his eyes. The hospital gown hid most of the other injuries and bandages, but a blue sling was strapped to his chest, bobbing up and down with each mechanically forced breath. Parts of his skin were slightly blistered or red from the fire; he had been lucky it wasn’t worse. But what could be worse than seeing the kid you care about- the kid that was like his own son- dying?

“Jesus Christ,” he choked. He remembered the first time he ever saw Buck in a hospital bed. It made him panic, only briefly, but the thought of losing him was like losing Bobby Jr. all over again. “This was exactly what I was worried about, kid. Those damn blood thinners are doing you worse than good.” Bobby washed a hand down his face before sitting down. “I’m sorry, Evan. I should’ve told you the truth instead of stabbing you in the back; I shouldn’t have kept you from coming back, because you were ready. It was me that wasn’t. After watching you nearly die underneath that firetruck, then you coughed up blood and even after the tsunami when you passed out from shock and exhaustion for eighteen hours, it was more than I could take. I didn’t want to see you get hurt again or risk losing you, because I think it would kill me. I can’t lose another son, Buck. Please don’t make me…” he choked, wiping the tears from his eyes. None of this would’ve happened had he just told Buck the truth. “I was acting like an asshole. I was hurt about the things you told that lawyer, but it was my fault. You had no one else to talk to. I had no right to treat you the way I did, and I hope that when you wake up, I can make things right again.” Bobby leaned over to the bed and grabbed the blonde’s hand. “Don’t give up, kiddo. And even if you don’t come back for the team, come back for Maddie, for Athena, for Chris…for yourself. You’re a damn good firefighter, Buck, and an amazing person. We’re lucky to have you around. We’ve taken you for granted and I promise things will change.” The older man sat there for a few more minutes before he could no longer see his kid like this. When he got home, he cried, and it took every ounce of his being to not pick up a bottle and drink himself into oblivion.

And lastly, Eddie. But he was nervous. He didn’t think he deserved to see the man he had treated so horribly in the last two weeks. It had all been unnecessary. Sure, he’d been hurt, because Buck was the number one person he’d call for anything. The one person Chris wanted when he was having nightmares about the tsunami and that stupid lawsuit prevented him from doing so. Buck said he would’ve come if Eddie had called and he knew that now, but at the grocery store he was beyond angry. So angry that he couldn’t keep his mouth shut and said some pretty stupid things. You’re selfish. You’re exhausting. Suck it up. Stupid! Buck had gone through three major life altering traumas in one year and had told the man to deal with it on his own. How could he be so cold? Evan Buckley was an emotional person; always wore his heart on his sleeve, wanted to talk about feelings, cared more about others than he did himself. And Eddie wasn’t used to that. He used to see it as clingy and annoying, but now he realized, Buck was just a very loving guy.

The Latino man swallowed thickly and walked up to the bed, staring down at his best friend. Could he call Buck his friend anymore? Over the last year and a half, they had become close, Buck always being there for him and Chris. Eddie scrubbed his eyes vigorously when he felt them burn with tears. No crying Edmundo. Men don’t cry. But he couldn’t help it.

“Buck, if you can hear me…” he reached over and cupped the blonde’s neck gently. “If you can hear me, I want to tell you how sorry I am. I acted like an dick and you didn’t deserve that. Not after everything you’ve gone through. I’ve been a horrible friend, a horrible teammate and I said I would have your back, but I failed. But I want to make it right…I need to make it right, so please…please wake up. I don’t want to have to tell Christopher that he’s gonna lose you. You’re like his second dad.” He chuckled wetly. “You basically are a better dad than I ever was.” He stroked Buck’s birthmark with his thumb and sniffed. He couldn’t do this right now…it was too much. Wiping his face, Eddie left the room, wanting to get home a soon as possible so no one could see him cry. Thank god Chris was with Abuela tonight.

Maddie stayed with Buck that night, even carefully climbing onto his bed, and sleeping next to him. She had to hear his heartbeat for herself. She was terrified; her brother was dying, and she couldn’t handle that.

When Eddie told Chris about Buck, the boy immediately wanted to go see him. Eddie was reluctant, afraid that having his son seeing his Buck so broken would traumatize him again. But he realized that wasn’t fair. He had kept them apart for too long. When they got to the room, Eddie took a deep breath.

“Okay buddy, Buck is sleeping and has a lot of wires and bandages, so be careful, okay?”

Christopher nodded. “Is he gonna be okay, dad?”

Eddie pressed his lips together. “I hope so.” He opened the door and Chris hobbled in immediately.

“Bucky?” He whispered, reaching up and stroking the man’s cheek. “It’s Chris, can you hear me? Daddy is so sad; he wants you to wake up. Sometimes, when I don’t want to get out of bed, I think of all the fun things I could do. So, you have to open your eyes, okay? I want to tell you everything I’ve been doing at school.”

Eddie smiled as he stood in the doorway. His kid was so smart. They stayed for a while, Chris drawing pictures and making get well cards for when Buck woke up. Except he wasn’t waking up. In fact, it seemed like he wasn’t fighting at all. His heart stopped one night when Eddie was there, and he was so glad Carla had taken Christopher home an hour before. His heart rate was low as were his brain waves, he still couldn’t breathe on his own and it looked like he was getting an infection from the gunshot wound.

And they all knew why Buck wasn’t getting better. It was because he thought he didn’t have a reason to and that scared them all. They all took turns sitting with him when they were off, but Eddie stayed with him the most. Guilt ate them all alive, but it consumed him the most. Aside from Bobby, he treated Buck the worst and it would destroy him if the man died.

A week passed with no change. Here and there, Buck’s vitals would drop, or his fever would spike, but nothing else. Pretty soon, the team had to go back to work. It was weird without Buck and that was a funny thing because when Bobby kept him at the fire house instead of coming out on calls, they were without him. But that was different, because at least they knew he was at the station. At least they knew he was safe…alive. They weren’t the same 118 they had always been. Chim wasn’t telling jokes, Bobby wasn’t cooking, Hen wasn’t playing video games and Eddie…well, Eddie spent most of his time beating the shit out of the punching bag. He would rather go street fight, but if that got him killed- as much as he deserved it- he’d be leaving Christopher and Buck behind.

The bell rang for the first time that day and they quickly and silently got ready, wishing Buck was doing the same. It was a five alarm fire in an office building, already multiple causalities, and injuries. It was all hands on deck. The drive was silent, Chim and Hen staring into space while Eddie was gazing at Buck’s empty seat.

“Dad, when’s Bucky going to wake up? I bet he’s hungry. He looks so sick.”

“I know, mijo, I know.”

Buck was turning into a shell of his former self. Stubble growing on his pale face, eyes sunken and skin cold. He was wasting away right before their eyes.

Bobby’s voice over the radio suddenly broke them out of their thoughts and they looked up to see him turned around in the front seat.

“Alright, I know it’s difficult to focus with Buck being on our minds, but we still got a job to do. People are counting on us.”

“Buck counted on us,” Eddie muttered, keeping his head down. “And we failed him. None of us have been there for him at all.”

Bobby sighed. “I know and we’re going to do everything we can to make it up to him. We shouldn’t let him forgive us so quickly because we all know he will.”

That managed to get a smile from everyone. Buck was too forgiving and too trusting sometimes.

“So, let keep our heads in the game and get home in one piece. For Buck.”

Six Hours Later

Eddie sat by Buck’s bed once again, but this time he was a little beaten up. He had been a bit careless in that fire today, got a few burns and smoke inhalation, but nothing horrible.

“I can’t believe I pulled a ‘Buck’ move today,” he chuckled. “Running back into danger is your thing not mine. I don’t even know what came over me, but I think I was like ‘what would Buck do’ and just did it. Bobby was pissed, but I think he was just worried. Can’t have two of us in the hospital, right?”

Silence. The doctors had opted to move Buck on his side so that he didn’t get bed sores. It really made him look smaller.

“Christopher got a ‘B’ on his science project. I tried to help, but I think I just made it worse. He still wasn’t happy with it though, said he needed you to make it better.” Eddie chewed the inside of his cheek, watching Buck’s chest rise and fall. This sucked. “Come on, man, you gotta wake up. I know you don’t think you have a reason to, but you do. I miss you, Chris misses you, and Maddie…she’s devastated. She tries to get by at work, but Chim says when she gets home, she’s a completely different person.” He placed his hand over the blonde’s and squeezed it. “I think I know why I was so angry with you. I was still upset about and with Shannon. She came back into our lives then left. I was so pissed that she left even though it wasn’t her fault. She left and all I had was you. We had each other’s back, and I could talk to you about anything. Then the lawsuit happened, and I beat up a guy and had to get bailed out from jail and I couldn’t talk to you about it. Christopher was having nightmares and I couldn’t call you to come over. It was like you left, just like Shannon and I got upset. You know I’m not great with feelings, but I should’ve told you how I felt instead of saying all those things to you. I’ve been a terrible friend, even before the lawsuit. I promise things are gonna change. I’m gonna change.” He stroked the man’s knuckles and bowed his head.

“Please come back, Evan.”

Buck was in a coma for another week. Two damn weeks of silence. Though grateful he’s still hanging on and finally didn’t need a breathing tube, no one is the same. No one would be unless Buck woke up, however the doctor mentioned it’s possible he may never wake up. One day, the chief had come into the station, saying that they were gonna have to start looking for a replacement. Eddie was livid at that information. They couldn’t replace Buck, they just couldn’t.

A few days later, Eddie was in the hospital room with Christopher. The Latino was absently reading a magazine while Chris was drawing in his coloring book on the edge of Buck’s bed. He would occasionally look at the man’s face while talking about a book report he had to do. And then he saw it.

“Bucky!”

Eddie didn’t bother to look. Chris thought any twitch was his friend waking up. The doctor had just said it was just a knee-jerk reaction to medications. The first time he saw Buck’s arm move, he was ecstatic until he got that news.

“Dad!”

“Christopher, I already told you it’s-”

“No, dad, look!”

Eddie sighed and raised his head. He was so used to seeing Buck’s eyes closed that he was in absolute shock when he noticed that they were slowly blinking open.

“Oh my god. Buck!” He jumped to his feet in excitement. “Hey man, you with me?”

The dull blue orbs rolled around, staring at the ceiling for a bit before landing on Eddie’s face. He frowned and that scared the other man. Did Buck not remember him?

“Buck, you know who I am, right? It’s Eddie.” He knew he should get the doctor, but he didn’t want to leave. This is the first time he saw Buck move in weeks. He didn’t want this to be a dream.

“Evan.” The blonde looked exhausted and was struggling to keep his eyes open. And then Chris came around to his side with a huge smile.

“Buck!” Chris touched the man’s cheek, caressing it softly.

The younger man grinned wearily and shakily raised his hand to do the same.

“H-Hey…buddy.” Buck’s voice was low and rough from the smoke inhalation and weeks of disuse. “I m-missed…y-you.”

That made Eddie smile but also his heart break. He shouldn’t have kept them apart.

“I’m gonna go get the doctor.”

After Dr. Burns ran a few tests, Buck fell asleep again. The next time he came to, Maddie and Chim were there.

“Hey, look who’s awake,” Chim grinned.

Maddie perked up with a gasp. “Evan?” Tears formed in her eyes as she got to her feet and gently wrapped her arms around Buck’s shoulders. “Evan! Thank god.”

“Maddie,” the blonde gasped in surprise, raising his good hand to place on her arm. “M’okay.”

She pulled away. “You scared the shit out of me…out of all of us. How could you be so reckless, you nearly died! I get that you were saving those girls, but…god, I almost lost you, Buck!”

“M’sorry, Mads. C-Couldn’t just leave them.”

She sniffed, stroking her brother’s face before running her fingers through his hair. “I know, I know. I just wish you would be more careful sometimes…think things through first.”

Chimney laughed. “That’s like asking a dog not to chase a ball.”

Buck smiled. It was true.

“Seriously, though man, we were really worried. The doctor didn’t think you would wake up. What were you even doing out there at 1am?”

“Honestly…I don’t remember. Everything b-before the fire…it’s blank. One minute I’m at the station, the next I’m there. H-How long have I been out?”

“Two weeks,” Maddie said. “You woke up yesterday afternoon.”

“Shit. I’m okay, though, right? I can still work?” Though not like he was doing much besides cleaning.

Maddie scoffed. “Of course, that’s what you care about. Can’t you just take it easy for a bit?” And then she knew why Buck was asking and so did Chim.

“You still have a job, Buck and I doubt Cap would say any different. And listen, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. You’re my girlfriend’s brother, but you were my brother before that. I should’ve stuck by you instead of falling in line with Bobby. I know how it is to be iced out. You’re right, it wasn’t fair how he treated you, especially after I was able to come back after a few weeks. I’m really sorry, Buck. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I don’t want you to. None of us do, actually, at least not for a while. You deserve to hold a grudge.”

Buck rolled his eyes and smiled. “I’m not gonna do that, Chim. Besides, Maddie wouldn’t want that.”

Maddie laughed. “Actually, I’m allowing it.”

“Yeah, Buckaroo. I’ve been in the doghouse for all this time. She’s withholding s-”

The blonde closed his eyes and shook his head. “No, no, no, I don’t want to hear that. That’s not something I need in my head.”

The two laughed and Buck joined in tiredly. It felt good to laugh again. They talked for ten more minutes before Buck succumbed to exhaustion. A few hours later, he woke up to Hen and Athena talking softly over him. He thought it was weird all these people were sitting with him lately. One, because aside from Athena, he thought the team was angry about the lawsuit, though Chim kind of cleared it up. And two: every other accident he had, most of the time, he woke up alone.

“Hey Buck,” Athena said when she noticed the blonde was awake. “How are you feeling?”

“Kinda tired, but better.”

“Good. We’re glad you’re okay, but if you ever do something like that again, you’ll have to answer to me.”

Buck snorted. He knew that she’d follow through, though. Hen reached forward and touched his arm. “You really scared us, Buck. And I want to apologize. I know I gave you that cupcake, but I still didn’t stick by your side. We’re supposed to be a family no matter what happens. I understand why you brought on the lawsuit and it shouldn’t have gotten that far. What Bobby did was wrong and we all should’ve seen that. We were assholes to you, Buck.”

“Hen-”

“No, don’t argue with me. I know you have too big of a heart to agree, but you know it’s the truth. I just hope you can find a little more space in there to forgive us eventually.”

Buck pressed his lips together in thought. “Okay…but only if you promise to get me another cupcake, I never got a chance to eat the first one.”

Hen frowned. “Why not?”

The blonde shrugged. “Don’t know. One minute it was in the fridge and maybe a couple hours later, it was crushed in the trash. I figured it was one of the other ten people that hated my guts.”

The woman clenched her fists. Someone was going to get an ass-beating later. “Well, things will be different now and yeah, once you get out of here, I’ll buy you a dozen cupcakes.”

Buck laughed. “Are you trying to fatten me up?”

“I wouldn’t blame her,” Athena said. “You look like a stick!” And she had noticed that way before this happened. The kid had stopped eating properly. “You need some meat on your bones and first on the list is my homemade fried chicken.”

“With garlic mashed potatoes?”

“How could I forget,” the woman smiled, cupping his cheek.

The man grinned before a sobering thought hit him. “Athena, those girls-”

“Are safe and back home with their families, thanks to you. You can be a reckless idiot sometimes, boy, but you saved their lives. You’re a hero, Buckaroo.”

The fireman blushed. “And the guy?”

“In jail where he’ll be spending the rest of his life.”

Relief poured into the blonde’s body. “Good…good.”

Buck fell asleep sometime later which he was getting annoyed with. Why couldn’t he just stay awake? And even better question: when could he go home? He opened his eyes groggily, smacking his lips and wishing he had water to soothe his parched throat. He coughed harshly, sitting up on his good arm and looking around. Another day had already gone by and he was alone…figures. He sighed and stared up at the ceiling. The pieces of that night were starting to come back which meant he remembered why he was out in the middle of nowhere at one in the morning. He had been having some pretty dark thoughts…even when he was running into those burning buildings. He was glad he saved those girls, but if he had died doing so well…that would’ve been okay.

“Buck?”

The familiar voice startled him, and he raised his head to see Bobby standing in the doorway, a coffee in his hand.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” the older man replied. “Sorry, had I known you were gonna wake up, I would’ve waited to get this.”

Buck shrugged with one shoulder while staring down at his hands. “It’s fine. I didn’t really expect you to be here anyways.”

“Why’s that?” Bobby questioned, moving further into the room.

The blonde laughed humorlessly. “I thought you hated me. The second I came back to the station, you treated me like I didn’t exist…treated me like I was nothing. So, the longer it went on, the more I began to feel like I was nothing. And yeah, I get that I deserved it-”

“Buck, hold on, you didn’t deserve that. The way I handled things, I admit, was not the right way. I should’ve told you I was angry…I should’ve told you why I held you back. If I had, then none of this would’ve happened.”

“Why? Why wouldn’t you let me come back?”

“Because I was scared.”

Now it was Buck’s turn to be confused. “Scared? Of what?”

“Of you getting hurt again.” Tears sprung into Bobby’s eyes. “I couldn’t watch you get hurt again, kid. Three times I watched you almost die, and this is the fourth, so I guess I’ve been doing a crappy job of protecting you. We’re supposed to be a family and frankly, you’re as close to my son as my real one was. With you on blood thinners, the risk of you getting injured was high and I didn’t want that.”

Buck swallowed, completely in shock.

“So no, I don’t hate you, Buck. I love you. I was hurt because of the lawsuit, but you had every right to do it. Deep down I never blamed you. It just took seeing you here again to get my head out of my ass.”

Tears were dripping down Buck’s face, his lips quivering as it spread into a watery smile.

“I love you too…pops.”

Bobby chuckled before bringing the younger man into a hug. “I’m sorry, kid. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m gonna do everything I can to make it up to you, I promise.”

Buck cried softly, burying his face into Bobby’s shoulder. “You already did. All I wanted was this. I just wanted you guys back.”

The two talked more before visiting hours were coming to an end. Buck hadn’t even realized the time since he had been sleeping on and off for the last two days.

“You gonna be alright?” Bobby asked as he got up.

Buck hesitated; he had been alone for so long this month, it felt good to finally have some company. But he also didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want to be needy or exhausting like Eddie had accused him of being. He must’ve been silent too long, because the older man spoke again, still by his side.

“Because I can ask the nurse if I can stay.”

“N-No. No, Bobby it’s fine, I’ll be fine. I don’t want to keep you here. You have a family to get home to.”

Bobby looked sad…guilty. He placed his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “And so do you, don’t forget that. So, hurry up and get better, we miss you out there with us.”

The blonde smiled. “Thanks Cap.”

Bobby pat Buck’s arm before leaving. And once he did, the younger man let out a heavy sigh. He was exhausted, mentally more than physically. Though he knew the change in heart from everyone was because of his near death, he was happy that things were getting back to normal. Everyone had apologized and they had forgiven him even though they said nothing was his fault. Everyone had come by except one…the one that had hurt the most. Buck clenched his jaw; it was going to be a long and probably sleepless night.

Meanwhile, Eddie was gazing down at an untouched beer. Christopher was having a sleepover with Denny at Hen’s, so he was alone. Come to think of it, it was Hen’s idea, so he wondered if this had something to do with getting him to go see Buck. It had been two and a half days since his friend came out of his coma and he hadn’t seen the guy since. It’s not like he didn’t want to…it was more that he was afraid to. He didn’t get scared often, only when it came to certain things…certain people. Christopher getting hurt, his family being taken away, and Buck. Actually, anything involving Buck scared him sometimes, especially when he was hurt, physically or emotionally. He cared deeply for the guy; he trusted Buck more than anyone else in the world, but it was just really hard to show it. His phone suddenly beeped and Eddie eagerly went to look, hoping it was Buck. It wasn’t, instead being a text from Hen.

“Have you seen Buck yet?”

He groaned. Yep, this had been her plan exactly. Eddie wiped his eyes and shot off an answer. “No. And even if I wanted to, visiting hours are over.”

Almost immediately, she replied. “And you’re gonna let that stop you? Doesn’t sound like the Eddie Diaz I know.”

The Latino sighed heavily and before he could respond, Hen sent another message.

“Look, Bobby just told me he could tell Buck didn’t want to be alone. He had offered to stay, but it seemed the kid didn’t want to be a burden. You’re supposed to be his best friend, Diaz. We can’t let him go through this alone. Not again.”

Eddie pressed his lips together. Hen was right. He said he would change and stop being a terrible friend and he wasn’t starting out great. So, visiting hours be damned, it was time to see Buck.

It was surprisingly easy to slip past the nurses, but Eddie wasn’t taking any chances and briskly walked down the hall, counting down the numbers to Buck’s room. He managed to slip inside and shut the door just as a doctor came around the corner.

“Eddie?”

The brunette spun around, startled. It was almost ten at night, he was expecting the younger man to be sleeping. Instead, he was sitting up against the pillows, reading a magazine. He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Uh, h-hey. I didn’t think you’d be up.”

Buck gave a one arm shrug, putting the booklet down. “Couldn’t sleep. What are you doing here?”

Eddie walked further in. “I couldn’t either…but I was gonna come see you anyway.”

Buck seemed skeptical. “Really?”

“Yes, really. I’m sorry I haven’t been here a lot, I was just…” he hated talking about his feelings. He hated being vulnerable, especially with another guy. “If it means anything, I probably spent most of my time here when you were in a coma. If I wasn’t at work, I would be here, either with Chris, one of the others or alone.”

Buck just stared at him, not saying anything and Eddie took it as a cue to keep going. He gripped the bedrail, bowing his head to collect his thoughts. “Buck.” He stood up straight again, his heart beating wildly in his chest. “You mean a lot me…not just Christopher. I think I count on you more than anyone else I know. So, when you brought on the lawsuit…when I couldn’t call or talk to you, I felt abandoned, just like Shannon had done. When Chris would constantly ask for you, I couldn’t do anything. I had to come up with lie after lie so he wouldn’t hate you, because he thought you didn’t want to see him anymore.”

Buck’s shoulders sagged, his face turning sad at the thought of causing Christopher so much pain.

“I was hurt and scared, so naturally, I lashed out. You didn’t deserve it; what I said to you in the store was uncalled for and is far from the truth and I should’ve been there for you more when you weren’t working. You went through hell, three times in six months to be exact, and I told you to suck it up. But I should know that not everyone processes things the same. I’m used to bottling things up and dealing with it on my own, that’s how I was raised, that’s how it was in the army, but that proved to be the wrong way to handle things. I’ve been street fighting.”

Buck’s eyebrows rose in shock. “You’ve been what? Eddie, what if you got really hurt? Chris-”

Of course, Buck would only care about him. Again, how could he ever call the man selfish? “I know, I know. I already got a lecture from Bobby. Bosco even said I was crossing a line and she’s the one who introduced me to it. And when you got hurt, I wanted so badly to go out there again, because I was angry with myself, but I knew I would’ve let myself get hurt to the point where…I just knew I couldn’t leave you or Chris no matter what.”

Buck looked down at his hands. “I was thinking of killing myself.”

Eddie felt like he had been kicked in the stomach at the sudden revelation. His mouth opened and closed like a gaping fish, unable to find words to respond to that. “Buck.”

“That’s what I was doing out there at one in the morning. I couldn’t sleep and all I could think about were the things that you said to me and how I was thinking that you’re right. I am exhausting and I do make everything about me. You hated me, Bobby hated me, everyone but Athena and Maddie hated me. I had to get the voices out of my head. I wasn’t paying attention and I just ended up in the middle of nowhere. And when I was trapped in the house I…I didn’t care if I was going to die. I figured it would be easier on everyone if I had. I’ve been such a thorn in everyone’s side since the bombing and I-”

“Evan, stop. Fuck.”

The blonde looked up, tears dripping down his face and he was shocked to see that Eddie was crying, too. The Latino suddenly placed a hand on Buck’s wrist. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, man. I’m sorry we made you feel that way…that I made you feel that way. You’re not exhausting. I think I just don’t know how to handle everything you do; you have such a big heart. It would’ve destroyed not only Christopher or the team or your sister, but me too, if you had died. I may’ve been mad, but never in a million years would I had wanted you to die. You’re my best friend, my brother, and like a second dad to Chris. If I had lost you…I’m sorry, Buck. I hope you can forgive me. I mean I don’t expect you to and won’t blame you if you don’t, but I just wanted you to know all that. I just want us to be okay again.”

Buck remaining silent after his speech made Eddie nervous. Maybe it was too late.

“Uh…I should go. This was a mistake, I’m sorry.” He shot up from the chair and made his way towards the door.

“Eddie,” Buck’s choked voice stopped him just as he reached for the doorknob. He turned around and the younger man was staring back at him, eyes red from the tears falling down his pale, bruised face. “I’ve waited for so long for us to be okay again…for you to forgive me. For weeks I felt worthless…and so alone because it seemed like no one would ever talk to me again. The lawsuit was a stupid fucking move, I know. I was an idiot, and I will never forgive myself for the shit I dragged you all through, but I didn’t care about the money, I didn’t even care about the job. I just…I felt everyone drifting away, you know, having your own lives and own family to deal with. I was being left behind and forgotten, so I did what I could do to not let that happen. I just wanted you guys back.”

Eddie was heartbroken. “Oh Buck.” He couldn’t hold back. Eddie moved to the side of the bed and grabbed the younger man, bringing him into his arms. It was a slightly awkward hug, Buck’s arm in a sling leaving a large gap in between them. But that didn’t stop either one of them. The dam broke and Buck cried silently into Eddie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Eddie. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, stop, you have nothing to apologize for, okay. Nothing.”

They stayed that way for a few minutes before pulling away, wiping the tears from their faces, smiling in embarrassment.

“Wait,” Eddie spoke. “What money are you talking about?”

“Oh, from the lawsuit,” Buck replied in a nonchalant voice. “I won a million dollars in the settlement, but I turned it down…well, I donated it. Mackey was kind of pissed.”

Eddie was in shock. “Turned down a million dollars? Dios mio Evan.”

“Like I said, it wasn’t about the money or the job, it was about getting back to be with the team.”

The brunette grinned. “Well, where did you donate it to?”

“Well, half went to the Firefighters Charitable Foundation and the other went to the Cerebral Palsy Foundation.”

Eddie’s mouth fell. Just when Evan Buckley couldn’t get more amazing. So far from selfish. “Wow, I…Buck that’s…thank you.”

The younger man smiled, resting his head back on the pillows. Then he realized something. “Where’s Chris? He’s not-”

“He’s with Hen for the night for a sleepover. Mainly, it was her way of making me stop being a coward and come see you.”

Buck laughed. “Sounds like something she’d do. Well, now that you fulfilled your duty, you can go home now. I’m sure you’re tired and would rather sleep in your own bed.”

Eddie shrugged. “I don’t mind staying here. Besides, you’re right I am exhausted, so I probably shouldn’t drive.” He knew Buck was just putting on a front. He knew the kid didn’t want to be alone. It would take a while for him to start trusting everyone again. And the whole confession about suicidal thoughts, that scared him. How long had Buck had those? He was definitely gonna have to convince the blonde to talk to Bobby and definitely a therapist.

“Your funeral then, those chairs aren’t exactly the best to sleep on,” Buck grinned.

“Well, then move over.”

“What?”

“Move over. The bed is big enough for two people.”

Buck seemed to want to say something, but then decided against it, scooting over to the other side of the bed so that Eddie could slide on. They were pressed up against each other’s side, but for some reason Buck liked the contact…the warmth. It made him feel safe and not so alone anymore. He started to relax, closing his eyes, and breathing steadily.

“You know the nurse is gonna flip when she comes in here and sees you.”

Eddie let out a breathy chuckle. “I’d like to see her try and kick me out.”

The blonde snorted. “Goodnight, Eddie.”

“Night Buck.”

The End