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Standing in her door, looking at her fresh-from-sleep eyes and the trails of light and tattoos across her skin that were revealed by her soft purple tunic and agonizingly short shorts, Crow’s words briefly failed him. Luckily, that’s what he had Glint for. As Crow’s mind gradually began to function again, Glint explained, “He can’t sleep. When he tries, he screams, and I don’t want him drawing attention like that here. I thought he might be able to come here for a bit, until he calms down?”
With a poorly concealed yawn, Asteryn stepped aside and gestured the pair in. “Of course. I’ll make some tea.”
Her quarters were small--one open room with a small kitchenette, a low table with floor cushions scattered around it, a small closet, and a bed covered with pillows and the softest-looking blanket he had ever seen. Piles of data pads littered the room, a few on and glowing softly. There was an overhead light hovering in the center, but she instead relied on strings of small blue engram-shaped lights draped around the room, like he imagined the lights at Dawning must have looked like. It was clear she didn’t spend much time here, but it was equally clear she still gave it as much of a personal touch as she could.
Slowly, he sank onto one of the floor cushions and peeled off his mask—it was almost exhilarating being outside of his own room with it off, even though she had seen his face many times before. He watched as she filled an electric kettle with water, then scooped tea leaves into a purple ceramic teapot decorated with twirling white vine patterns. Her tunic rode up slightly as she reached up, standing on her toes, to grab the tin of leaves, and he felt his face grow warm. There were angled bands of soft green dots, almost like freckles, around her upper arms and wrists, and vines of green wrapped around her thighs, starting just above her knees and disappearing underneath her clothes, although he could see where they emerged again to frame her spine before curving around her ribs towards her chest. Glint nudged him; he was blatantly staring.
With a start, he realized she was pouring the water into the teapot--when had it finished it boiling? Just in time, Crow dragged his gaze away. Sheyd had floated over and laughed, quietly, but didn’t appear ready to rat him out to his Guardian. Oblivious, Asteryn set two mismatched mugs on the table, followed by the teapot and a plate of cookies, before collapsing onto the cushion opposite him.
“Give the tea a couple minutes to steep, but dig into the cookies if you want,” she offered, gesturing and yawning again. This time she didn’t try to hide it.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you up,” he said, hands in his lap, not moving.
She scoffed, shaking her head. “It’s not like we really need to sleep. Besides, you know I’d never turn you away.”
It almost made him laugh, because it was true. He did know, without hesitation or doubt, that if ever he needed anything, she would do it if she could. Crow wondered what he would call them, if pressed to put a name to what they had. Friends didn’t seem strong enough, but lovers--they weren’t there, not yet, even though he knew that’s where he wanted them to be, knew that’s what they were inextricably drawing towards. But they were young Lightbearers with all the time in the world, or so said Osiris, and this was something he refused to ruin by rushing.
Not to mention the fact that they were both currently fighting a war, and he was living in perpetual fear of being cast out from the Tower and everything he was starting to hold dear about this new life, including her. They should probably be focusing on that.
Instead of replying, he reached out and picked up a cookie--Bittersweet Biscotti. That did make him laugh. “Please tell me these aren’t leftovers from Dawning. They were hard enough then. I don’t know if Glint can repair a chipped tooth.”
“I can!” Glint insisted, indignant at the slight towards his abilities.
Asteryn laughed, shaking her head. “I just made them, I promise. You can make cookies year-round--shocking, I know.” She poured steaming mugs of a softly fragranced tea for them as he bit into the cookie, the taste bringing memories to the surface of his mind.
“You’ve gotten better at baking.” This time, instead of almost inedible, the cookies were pleasantly crunchy, the chocolate coating rich and even. “We met because of cookies like these,” he said, smiling.
“We did,” she agreed, grabbing one for herself. “Maybe that’s why they’re my favorite now.” Blushing, she seemed to realize what she said, and she quickly added, teasing, “Although I still haven’t fully gotten over you shooting me.”
His face fell, and the look on her face made it clear she wished she could take back what she said. Crow held the mug in his hands, staring into the tea’s surface, face clouded by steam. “I sometimes think about that, when I try to sleep,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “When I close my eyes, my mind keeps racing, faster than a Sparrow. I don’t always know why--sometimes, it’s just nameless, a deep, dark dread. Sometimes I remember suffocating over, and over, and over... But sometimes, it’s the faces of people--Eliksni, mostly--that I’ve killed, their eyes full of pain. And sometimes, it’s the faces of Guardians who have killed me, incandescent with hatred.” He sighed. “I never know which one is worse. But I have a particular hatred for reliving how I hurt you.”
Her hands closed around his, causing him to look up into her face. This close, he could see the pale mint traces of the tattoos on her face, too, so similar to the soft blue of her skin. Her hair was a tangle of dark green, freed from her usual braid. Strands of it followed Sheyd as he hovered around her head, statically charged and drawn to his metal exterior. As always, her eyes were star-bright.
“You did what you had to do to protect Glint. Besides, you didn’t hurt me in any way that matters. The good thing about being a Guardian is it takes a lot more than a shotgun shell or two to get on my bad side,” she smiled. “As for the rest... I can’t imagine what it feels like to be hated on sight by those who are supposed to be your allies. But I sometimes see my kills when I close my eyes, too, or relive my deaths.”
“What do you do about it?” He asked, voice soft.
“Do you know that little overhang, near the hangar? The one facing the City, and the Traveler? I go there and sit with Sheyd. I'll take you there sometime, if you like. If I can’t do that, I try to focus on why I took those shots. On what I’m trying to protect with my lives, and what I’m trying to fight for. A day when I don’t need to take the bullet or draw the bowstring.”
He leaned closer, entranced by her voice. “Do you think we can make such a day happen?”
She shrugged, but she was still smiling that soft, sleepy smile. “I don’t know. But I think we can try. I want to see a system that doesn’t necessarily need us. Does that sound strange?”
Crow laughed, shaking his head. “Yes. Also, impossible. But I like the sound of it.”
Asteryn smiled, taking her hands back to pick up her own mug. He immediately missed their warmth. Seeing Crow's expression, Sheyd chuckled. “You’re just as starry-eyed as she is, deep down.”
“You don’t have to look that deep,” Glint replied, a smirk in his voice. “Did he tell you what he was like, when Osiris brought him here?”
His Ghost needed no prompting to continue the story, telling Asteryn and Sheyd about Crow’s first days in the City. The tea was mild and sweet, and the warmth grounded him, as did the soft chatter of their Ghosts and Asteryn’s occasional comment or laugh. Part of him thought he should be embarrassed, and he occasionally offered weak protests when he thought Glint was having too much fun at his expense, but he couldn’t bring himself to be even slightly upset. Instead, he just felt safe, and warm in a way that had nothing to do with the hot drink in his hands.
Before he knew it, he was struggling to keep his eyes open. The conversation had the cadence of a lullaby. Glint swiveled to him, doing his best not to shine light in his eyes. “This may have worked a little too well. We should get you back before you fall asleep on her table.”
“Why don’t you just stay here?” Sheyd offered. His Guardian looked at him, blushing furiously, but Sheyd continued as though he hadn’t noticed a thing. “It’s really late, after all. You wouldn't want to attract unnecessary attention.”
Crow looked to Asteryn, and he knew he was blushing as well. After a stunned moment, she seemed to recover. “I… I don’t mind, if you want to.” She said it more to her mug than to him. “My bed is kind of small, but we’d both fit. Or you can take it, and I’ll make a floor cushion nest. I’ve done that before, actually, one time when Zorah got too drunk after a Trials match to go back to her place--I made Callix help me get her back here and dumped her in bed. In hindsight, I should’ve just told Rayya to heal her, even though Zorah hates when she does that, but-”
“You’re babbling, star-eyes,” Sheyd said gently, bumping into her shoulder affectionately. She fell silent, staring into her mug.
“You’re not sleeping on the floor in your own apartment because of me,” Crow said, firmly.
He was about to start rearranging the cushions into a makeshift bed, but it was Glint’s turn to swoop in and make a decision on his Lightbearer’s behalf. “They can share, and he can sleep against the wall. It helps him.” Crow covered his face with his hands for a moment, composing himself, before looking up, almost hopefully.
She finally met his eyes, with another sleepy smile. “I guess that’s that, then.”
He laid down as she placed the mugs and the teapot in the small sink, put the barely-touched cookies away. Glint took up his usual spot, but against his chest rather than on top of it--Crow had to lie on his side, back against the wall, to make sure Asteryn would have enough room. She clicked the strings of lights off, leaving the glow of their Ghosts and the whorls under their skin the only light in the room. Finally, she padded over and lied down facing him, tucking one arm under her pillow. After only a moment of hesitation, she placed her free hand on top of his, palm to palm, interlacing their fingers. It was the only place they touched.
Despite everything, she fell asleep first, her hand pressed to his and her hair loose and wild around her head. Sheyd was a gently glowing orb in the nest of her hair, giving her the illusion of a blue halo. Through eyelids growing increasingly heavy he watched Asteryn’s rhythmic breathing, the soft flutters of her lashes as she dreamed, and it lured him ever closer to sleep, too. Glint still hummed, tucked in the space between them against his torso, and a deeper calm than he thought he could--maybe even deserved to--experience washed over him. For this moment, enveloped in soft sounds and softer sights, his anxieties couldn’t reach him, and he let his eyes close and sleep descend, silent and smiling.
End Notes: Honestly I'm just posting this now because I want to post the next chapter so badly. It's a conversation between Crow, Glint, and Holliday, and it's basically me using that trio to roast myself. Good times. Will build on this as the season progresses, I think!