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It had been months since the last holiday break. Spring break was just around the corner and Kalim was excited to see his family once again. They had rented a nice manor on the edge of the ocean so the family could spend the break swimming. Many of Kalim’s younger siblings had only ever swam in one of the family’s exclusive pools. Unwilling to let his children be afraid of the unknown Master Asim decided to introduce his children to the ocean to erase any fear they may have before it becomes a weakness.
Kalim had been in the ocean before and quite honestly loved it. The cool water was refreshing in the summer heat, along with the incredible wildlife that you could find in every crevice. He had always enjoyed running on the sand, and kicking up dust, and asking Jamil about anything and everything he didn’t understand. Jamil…
Naturally the brunette would be coming with him and his family to the beach. They were to take care of anything and everything that went with taking a vacation besides relaxing. Now that Kalim knew how his umm… not friend felt he couldn’t help but feel bad. The Vipers among other servants would be brought to a beautiful vacation spot only to work the entire time to make sure their masters have the time of their lives.
Speaking of which, Jamil had been more reclusive and grumpy than usual. Even after the events of the holidays he had still tried to be respectful and calm when it came to attending to Kalim’s needs but the young heir could tell that his ‘friend’ was having a hard time.
Being unable to completely release Jamil from his position as a servant has been surprisingly hard on Kalim. Every time he looked over at the teen that had been by his side since birth, Kalim was reminded of how much hatred he carried. How stressed out he was, and how much he wanted Kalim out of his life. It stung every time he thought about that day. He remembered the unhinged laugh and how happy Jamil looked when he finally told Kalim about how he had been letting him win, how he was better than him.
It was like someone poured acid into an infected wound right above his heart. It was eating away at him and he couldn’t do anything about it since it wasn’t physical pain. Kalim tried to distract himself and keep busy by learning to be capable. Being able to do things by himself would put less strain on Jamil so Kalim fought everyday to dress himself, apply his own makeup, eat in the cafeteria before Jamil got up so he wouldn’t worry about taste testing.
The problem wasn’t that he couldn’t do these things. In the beginning it had been fairly easy to adjust to dressing himself and washing himself and everything. The makeup had been a little harder and Kalim was still eating what Jamil cooked for him since he was a disaster in the kitchen. But as time went on Kalim felt less… motivated to do these things.
He just wanted to stay in bed and ignore his problems. It was so much easier to just sleep through the day. In dreams he saw nothing but it was still better than having a head full of nasty thoughts. It was strange how these feelings and words flashed through him that he had never experienced before. They had been small and insignificant at first but over time they began to linger and mix together.
Unused to these feelings Kalim had looked them up and found only a bunch of nonsense. A part of him understood what the articles and such was getting at but those things didn’t apply to him. He was frustrated and tired and a little bit nauseous sometimes. Those were all a result of learning how the real world works. So he ignored them.
Over the months it grew easier to shut those things out. All he had to do was ignore them and continue on like nothing happened. This took so much energy though. All day whenever the stinging sensation would appear and the dull pain of emotions filtered through him he would shove those things behind him and walk away. As if he could physically leave them behind.
And it had been working so far, but Kalim could feel the creeping return of achiness that came whenever he had a particularly difficult week. A worried feeling swept over him when he thought about what might happen if his family found out about his recent troubles. If he didn’t put on a facade that was good enough then they would find out what happened and that would put Jamil in danger. That was the last thing Kalim wanted. But what if they never found out, and Kalim just changed things. Was it possible to somehow find a way to free Jamil without putting him in danger.
“Kalim!” The boy looked up and jumped a bit when he finally recognized Jamil calling out for him.
“Oh sorry Jami I didn’t hear you… Jamil. I meant Jamil.” A look of disgust reminded Kalim quickly that he wasn’t meant to call Jamil by the friendly nickname that he had been given when they were kids. The stinging returned and Kalim had to take a deep breath to keep himself from screaming.
“I wanted to ask if you were all set to go to the beach?” Jamil looked boredly at Kalim and the white haired teen hesitated before remembering that he had to smile and nod enthusiastically.
“Yup! I’m all set to go! You should make sure you’re ready too Jamil.” The brunet stared at Kalim for a moment before nodding and exiting the room.
It was odd to see Kalim in a state other than pure joy and excitement, especially when it had to do with vacation and parties. Kalim being distracted was nothing new to Jamil, but this was a different type of distraction. It was like he was deep in his thoughts and feelings instead of jumping around on the surface like usual.
The teen sighed and shook his head, muttering to himself that he shouldn’t worry about it. Besides there were more pressing matters at hand like packing.
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The vacation home was splendid. It was as if someone built a castle just to rent out. Not that the Asim family didn’t already feel like royalty but the charming glass windows, greenery filled forest, and spiral staircases made them feel as if they had walked into a story book.
Kalim gasped in awe as he gazed around the large lobby and double stairs. He spent so much time in Scarabia and at home that he forgot how impressive other forms of architecture were. There was so much detailing he was sure that a hundred men all working together wouldn’t be able to finish it in a year.
The gardens were even more impressive as they contained a large pool, pond, hot tub, and waterfall that spilled into a small stream that ran through the bushes and paths. The garden was rimmed with an old stone wall covered in vines and moss. If you looked out towards the back you could see the private beach and ocean that was accessed by a glass elevator built into the cliffside.
On the left side of the house there was no beach or gardens at all. It was simply a straight drop into the sea. But it was a beautiful view of the sunsets if you managed to score the room inside the west tower.
Luckily that was exactly where Kalim was going to be staying during the vacation. He had even managed to convince his father to allow Jamil to stay with him instead of the nearby hotel-like structure the rest of the servants that had come with them had to stay in.
All of his clothes and things that he had brought with him were already in the tower so once Kalim got there he reclined on the soft bed and giggled at the bubbly feeling that always came with exploring a new place.
The white haired boy looked over at his best friend’s bed and met a pair of hardened gray eyes. Quickly he looked away and felt his smile fade. Right. Jamil wasn’t his friend anymore. He never had been. A sharp jolt of pain made Kalim wince and groan.
“Kalim?” Jamil sat up on his bed. “What happened?”
Another sharp stab in his chest. Kalim held his breath and stayed still, willing himself not to feel the pain anymore. “What happened?” Of course he asked what happened. Kalim reminded himself that it was Jamil’s job to make sure he was safe and healthy.
“What happened?” The words repeated themselves and Kalim winced. Before he never would have thought twice about the words. Now it was painfully obvious that, “what happened?” wasn’t, “are you ok?” It was just another reminder that Jamil didn’t care about how he felt, he only cared about whether or not he would be punished for letting him fall ill.
“Kalim?” Jamil asked again and had to physically restrain himself from sighing in relief when he finally got an answer out of the boy.
“I’m alright Jamil. I just pulled something earlier when we were looking around.” Jamil raised an eyebrow and Kalim stumbled to provide evidence. “It was… um, when we were…” He paused again and the brunet took notice of the way Kalim’s eyes wandered around the room, but never met his.
“The wall!” Kalim exclaimed suddenly. “When I leaned over the stone wall to look at the ocean earlier. I got this pain in my side and when I laid down I pulled it again” Jamil hummed in agreement and listened closely to pick up on the soft sigh of relief that left Kalim’s lips.
Kalim never lied. It just never happened. He was honest to a fault and had never been given a reason to lie. Especially not to Jamil. The young mage supposed that their trust had been pretty damaged after the holiday break. He just didn’t know how much. Apparently enough so that Kalim felt compelled to lie about his own health.
The thought gave Jamil a sick feeling in his stomach. How was he supposed to take care of Kalim if he wouldn’t tell him what was going on? He frowned and rolled over on the bed unaware of the red eyes that watched his face turn sour before presenting his back. They widened momentarily and a flash of hurt made itself visible only to fade as the usually bright eyes filled with an eerie emptiness.
Of course Jamil was frustrated with him. He had been reckless again and given him more work. The brunet probably would have appreciated it more if Kalim had let him stay in the servants rooms. It would be crowded and unpleasant, but anything was better than staying with the person he hated most.
Kalim scrunched his face up when the pain rose again. He carefully controlled his breathing and let his emotions dwindle until the pain subsided. He was grateful to have picked up the habit so fast. It allowed him to fall into a more comfortable state. One where he wasn’t vulnerable to his own thoughts or feelings.
“Kalim, the sun is setting.” The young heir hadn’t even noticed Jamil walk over to the window. The sunsets here were supposed to be gorgeous, and the view from that tower was the best. It was why Kalim chose to stay up here. And a reason for wanting Jamil to stay with him. He knew that the brunet would love to watch the sunset and if he had been in the servants area, he wouldn’t be able to see it at all.
Jamil frowned when Kalim didn’t move. Perhaps he didn’t hear him.
“Kalim-”
“Tomorrow I’ll see it.”
The response was short and abrupt. Jamil winced and turned back to the window. He loved the sunset and it hadn’t slipped his notice that the area for servants was on the east side, meaning it lacked a view entirely. Secretly he was grateful for the opportunity to stay here. At first it had bugged him that Kalim wanted to room together when it was clear all Jamil wanted was space. But now that he was here he couldn’t help but feel touched that Kalim had thought ahead in a way that focused on what he would enjoy.
All Jamil had ever wished for, but he still wasn’t free, right? Kalim was no more than 15 feet away but Jamil couldn’t help but feel as if the boy was all the way across the ocean. The silence he had always dreamed of wasn’t refreshing like he thought it would be. Instead it was oddly uncomfortable.
He knew that what he initially believed was the freedom he wanted wasn’t what he was looking for. It wasn’t the type of freedom that would make him happy. He just had yet to figure out what that freedom was. The kind that would make him happy. All he knew though was that the dose of freedom that he had been given wasn’t what he wanted.
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The next few days passed uneventfully. The Asim family continuously partied and relaxed as the servants on hand stood by to make sure they were alright. Many of the servants were stuck taking care of the little Asims, but several had the opportunity to relax in the sun near the older Asims.
Jamil had been given the most freedom he’s had in a while. Kalim had never been so low maintenance before. When his family went down to the beach, he simply sat in the sand and watched as his other family members played in the waves or sand. He required no food or drink since he brought a water bottle with him. During meals he ate what he was given and never asked for anything more. And when Jamil offered to help Kalim with his sunscreen, he found that it had already been done.
Instead of feeling relaxed, Jamil was more stressed than ever. He couldn’t understand why Kalim was acting the way he was. They had been together for as long as he could remember and never had Kalim been so quiet and reserved. If he had been tired then it would have been understandable. Kalim was always quieter when he was sleepy.
This was different. Long periods of silence and sitting still had never happened when the white haired boy was awake. It concerned Jamil to no end and he spent his days wandering around the gardens or beaches trying to figure out what could be affecting him so much.
The more Jamil thought about it the more frustrated he became. Was it him? Maybe it was. It more than likely had to do with the holiday break. Why had he been stupid enough to pull something like that? Jamil knew why he had done it. Years of stress and confused emotions pinned on Kalim made for a very unpleasant experience. Yet now he knew that he didn’t hate Kalim so much as the boy frustrated him to no end.
It had taken months for Jamil to figure out that it wasn’t really Kalim’s fault and that although he was a pain in the ass he still tried his hardest to make Jamil happy. That’s all he’s ever done. Never in Jamil’s life can he ever remember Kalim not trying to make him happy. He was an oblivious twerp who couldn’t read emotions any better than he could use snake whisperer, but he always believed that he was genuinely making the people around him happy.
The frustration that came with this realization was immense and confusing given how he previously perceived many of his emotions. But that was unparalleled to the frustration he felt now.
Knowing that something was wrong with Kalim and being unable to do anything was unsurprisingly difficult to handle. It had been drilled into his brain since he was a boy that he had to protect and keep Kalim safe at any costs. Even after they became equals Jamil still found it hard to let Kalim do stuff on his own, out of habit, for safety reasons or others that he couldn’t quite understand.
His first instinct is to do everything and give everything to Kalim. It’s something he has always hated, but now more than ever, as he is now obstructing his own freedom. However, it bothered him far more when he knew that as Kalim’s aid he should be able to help him, and as his childhood… friend in Kalim’s eyes, be someone that the young heir can come to with his issues despite Jamil’s frequent claims that it annoys him.
For months Kalim had been fine and now just when Jamil thought that he could just cruise through this and reach his freedom without having an issue, Kalim decided to change things up. The brunet sighed loudly and ceased his pacing to look over the wall at the ocean. Despite having dozens of siblings, Kalim was still recognizable to the watchful eye of his former servant.
What was happening to Kalim? Why had he suddenly after months decided to close himself off and become quiet and reserved? His family thought he was maturing, but Jamil saw the difference. This wasn’t maturity, it was something strange and uncomfortable. Of all the years he spent working for the Asims, he had never once seen anything quite as unusual as this.
If only he could read minds. The thought made the Viper perk up a bit when the idea of using snake whisperer to get him to spill crossed his mind. Then he remembered the contacts he found while cleaning Kalim’s room once. After, Jamil had used snake whisperer subtly on Kalim while he was tired and wouldn’t remember the attempt, and his theory was proven correct when he found that there was no effect whatsoever.
Contacts specially made to block his unique magic. It wasn’t out of the Asim’s power, but it never occurred to Jamil that Kalim would actually do something like it. He supposed he could understand why Kalim would feel the need for them. Despite his reassurance that he still believed in Jamil, it was clear that Kalim was somewhat wary about his so-called friend. Still it didn’t seem possible that Kalim could go behind Jamil’s back, break the promise he made as a very young child, and order contacts that could prevent Jamil from hypnotizing him.
A part of Jamil was impressed that Kalim had pulled the guts together to do something like that. Another part of him was frustrated for a multitude of reasons that he couldn’t quite explain. Nevertheless, the contacts would prevent Jamil from using snake whisperer on Kalim to get him to spill. It would be risky as well, even though he would simply be doing it for Kalim’s sake, hypnotizing him while he was with his family and after all he had done over the holiday’s was a risk Jamil absolutely wouldn’t take.
He sighed again and rubbed his head, trying to quell the oncoming headache. A quick glance down at his watch told him that he would have to fetch Kalim soon for dinner. Master Asim was to be out tonight so there would be no family type dinner. Instead Kalim and Jamil would eat together in their room. Perhaps tonight Kalim would watch the sunset, and if Jamil was lucky, start opening up about what was wrong.
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Silence had never seemed so wonderful before. After spending all day at the beach with his family Kalim was tired in a way he didn’t know he could be. The strangest part was that he barely did anything. Yet he was exhausted and the silence in not only the room, but his mind was greatly appreciated. He wondered if this was what Jamil felt like at the end of the day when he was no longer around. More guilt weaved its way into his heart.
Rolling over Kalim sighed and stared at the food he had been given nearly an hour ago. He didn’t want to eat. It didn’t feel right to give himself the stuff he wanted when Jamil couldn’t have what he wanted.
“Food is a need, Kalim” The tiny voice in his head sounded like Jamil. Suddenly he felt nauseous. His first instinct was to head over to the bathroom, but Jamil was in the shower. Kalim didn’t feel like bothering him or getting scolded.
He curled up and panted with anxiety until the dull pain faded to something more manageable. Slowly he sat up and looked over at the food with distaste. Shuddering he grabbed it and walked it over to the window. It was the first time Kalim had seen the view. It truly was gorgeous. Reds, yellows and oranges painted across the sky, highlighted with tufts of cloud.
“Beautiful.” Disgusting.
Kalim scraped the food off his plate and watched it fall into the sea. Another stab of guilt when he remembered that Jamil had spent time making him that. He returned the plate and utensils to his bedside table and lay down.
“I’m sorry Jamil. My selfishness knows no bounds.”
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Confusion and horror were the first emotions Jamil registered after witnessing something, he never even considered being a possibility. Insanity. That was the only thing that could explain this. Magic had been used to make Kalim go insane. No wonder he had been off. It all made sense now.
It didn’t make sense at all. Jamil turned around and re entered the bathroom, closing the door softly behind him.
“I’m sorry Jamil. My selfishness knows no bounds.” The words echoed in his head and he started to hyperventilate. Did he do this? Was this his fault? He had always wanted Kalim to feel completely miserable. He wanted him to be frustrated and in pain. He wanted him to hate the world just as he did, and had wanted that for so long. What about this was crazy?
No. This wasn’t what Jamil had wanted from Kalim when he overblotted. It wasn’t what he dreamed about whenever he was reminded that his time in the spotlight would never come. Jamil barely recognized the voices that whispered about revenge and plotting. He wanted Kalim to suffer… right?
Frustration, confusion, horror, anxiety, sadness, and other emotions brought a strangled gasp from inside him. Why was this happening now? After all that time, now was when he had to go and doubt his priorities. And it was because of Kalim. Bitterness filled his mouth and yet it tasted different from before. Silence filled his mind as he came to the most difficult realization he had ever experienced.
Jamil had never wanted Kalim to suffer. He simply wanted him to understand. In a place filled with dark hatred and negative emotions, his desires had become twisted into lies that were simpler and easier to understand. Accepting that after all these years, Jamil wanted Kalim to suffer was far easier than admitting to himself that, despite all these years he only wanted Kalim to understand.
The fact that he had never stopped caring completely about the white haired boy, made his gut turn and jolt. The only thing he had ever wanted was for someone to understand him. For Kalim to understand him. It was a concept that shouldn’t be hard for him to accept, but the implications that went with it drowned him in disbelief and fear.
Everything he ever thought about himself was suddenly shifted and inaccurate. His response was natural, he reasoned with himself, this didn’t make it any easier to handle. He cared about Kalim. He didn’t hate Kalim. He didn’t want Kalim to be in pain just for the sake of being in pain. He just wanted him to understand. So that things could change. So he could be free.
Freedom. The freedom he wanted wasn’t out in the world. It wasn’t something that Kalim could give him. It was something that he had to make. He had to reach out and grab it. The only thing he was a slave too was himself and his own twisted heart. A part of him always knew that Kalim wasn’t really his master. He always had that control, he just failed to use it.
Kalim wasn’t ever the object that controlled him. All Jamil ever had to do was to tell Kalim about his feelings, his desires, his greatest wish and he could have had it. No doubt that once Kalim understood, he would do anything in his power to make Jamil happy again. Yet, after years of assisting him, Jamil’s stress and frustration allowed him to blame Kalim for his life.
Kalim was an oblivious boy. Yet not even a genius would detect Jamil’s true emotions under the facade that he put on every day. It was impossible to know how someone felt unless they told you. Jamil understood this now. It was not Jamil’s fault that he was a servant, just as it wasn’t Kalim’s fault he was a master. People do not get to choose where they are born, just as flowers cannot choose where they bloom.
Guilt, suppressed and rejected, welled up in Jamil’s heart. Kalim had never done anything wrong. The boy was punished, because Jamil could not accept his own faults. A quote recited itself in his mind and he put his head into his hands.
Sounds of crashing and a strange thud made their ways to Jamil’s ears. He sat up straight and ran through a list of possibilities. He didn’t detect an intruder before, was it possible that he had been too caught up in his own thoughts. Another thud and the creak of the window opening filtered through the bathroom door.
Why would Kalim be opening it now? He had already chucked his food outside. The second side of the window screeched open and Jamil hurriedly twisted the doorknob. He pushed open the door and felt his heart stop in his chest.
Kalim jumped.
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The sunset was beautiful.
The ocean was below.
The wind was cool.
The water is cold.
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Pain was the first thing Kalim felt when he woke. His lungs wheezed when they expanded and his throat burned. His stomach turned and his ears ached. The worst thing was his head. It felt like water was slowly draining from him and taking his brain with it.
Groaning, Kalim shifted and winced. He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling with numbness. He thought that it would feel better when he died. The pain was enough to tell him that he was still alive.
Silent tears slid down his face and narrowly avoided his already water clogged ears. A warm hand squeezed his, letting him know he wasn’t alone. Kalim glanced to the side and saw Jamil, wrapped in a towel with red eyes and tear stained cheeks.
There was so much relief reflected in Jamil’s gaze that Kalim almost believed that he was concerned.
“He’s just glad he didn’t lose his job. After all if you had died he would be killed as well…”
Panic set into Kalim as he realized what a stupid idea it had been to kill himself. Jamil would never be free if he died. There had to be another way, but Kalim couldn’t think of anything. Yet a part of him wished that he hadn’t been saved. It would have been easier to just leave things up to fate.
“Kalim... “ Jamil’s voice was shaky when he spoke. “How are you feeling?”
Kalim sighed and shrugged a bit. Jamil let his head fall onto Kalim’s chest and mumbled something. The white haired boy laid a hand on his friend's head and started speaking softly. Words he didn’t want to say. Things he didn’t want to admit. They came pouring out in long streams of difficult sentences and harsh breaths.
“I’m sorry Jamil. I only wanted you to be free. When you told me that you hated me all I could think about was how I could make you stop hating me. And then I realized that all I could do was let you be free and I thought that maybe if I was gone you would be free. Honestly I really don’t mind leaving. If you want to set up a fake death or something else as long as you get what you want Jamil. That’s all I want. I want you to be happy so I’m sorry that I make you so unhappy.”
Kalim lost all composure and began to sob hysterically. Jamil sat in silence and listened to Kalim blubber and repeat the same words over and over again.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Sobs wracked his body and hot tears poured down his cheeks. He curled in and felt so sick he thought he was going to throw up. Jamil grabbed his face with both hands and screamed at him.
“LISTEN TO ME! THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I WON’T LET YOU KILL YOURSELF! KALIM, DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND I CAN’T LET THAT HAPPEN!” His own sobs began and his voice calmed a bit as he stared at the boy across from him through teary eyes.
“I’m sorry! I betrayed you and manipulated you and did all of that awful stuff! Yes! You are a major pain in the ass, but my life isn’t your fault! You didn’t know what I was feeling because I never told you. If I had then maybe my life would be a bit easier…” he trailed off and slumped forwards.
“Please don’t kill yourself Kalim. I don’t have anything but you. You are the only thing that I have ever been given. And I know that technically you own me but if I have one thing in the world it will always be my connection to you.
“You need me and that gives me a purpose in life. It’s not always pleasant, but it has been getting better since you have become aware of my feelings. In fact I don’t really mind it all that much now.”
Kalim looked up and made eye contact with him. Jamil felt his breath quicken and his grip on Kalim’s shoulders tightened.
“When you stopped needing me I… I have too much freedom. It’s hard to explain, but I still need to take care of you. I’m not ready to leave yet. To travel and see the world. I’m attached. Besides, you’re my friend. I could never live without you.”
Silver eyes stared into red ones for minutes, simply appreciating the fact that they were still alive despite everything that has happened since winter break. Kalim felt more tears slip down his cheeks and he squeezed his eyes shut. Jamil sighed and pressed his forehead against Kalim’s in silent comfort.
“I never hated you.” Jamil’s voice was small and cracked as he spoke. “I hated my life, but I never hated you.”
“He only hates what you mean. Much better than before.”
“No! Stop that!” Kalim looked up in surprise and realized he must have spoken out loud. “I hate what my parents did to me and what I was forced into. Nothing that has to do with you. When I said that I was frustrated and emotionally confined. No one had ever listened to me and I had never had the chance to express my emotions so all that build up exploded out of me.
“There are times where I enjoy being with you. Not all the time, granted, but most of the time it isn’t so bad. Actually I… I really like hanging out with you sometimes. When it’s just us and I’m not working. I enjoy spending time with you.
“Kalim you're actually a really good person. Oblivious, yes, but you’ve never once put me through anything crazy or even ordered me to do something. You always ask and you are willing to help. I appreciate that more than you know. I only wished I figured it out sooner.”
“Really?” Kalim asked.
“Yes.”
Jamil pulled Kalim into a tight hug and let the smaller cry on his shoulder. He sighed and waited for him to calm down before laying him in his bed. The white haired teen sniffled and stared at Jamil with droopy eyes.
“Goodnight Kalim.”
“Goodnight, Jami…”
Jamil smiled and ran his fingers through Kalim’s hair until the boy fell asleep. He wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight after everything that happened. So he settled in and smiled. Finally for the first time since break started he felt relaxed.