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Sirius had a head full of thoughts and only a couple he actually spoke out loud to more than James and his closest circle of friends.
In fifth year, his head was mostly filled with thoughts of Moonymoonymoony. If he was truthful, it had been long before fifth year, but right then, it was really not possible to ignore anymore.
James didn’t know yet. He hadn’t told him, because while he knew James was the truest friend he had ever had, and while he knew that James would never leave him, there was still a part inside of him that wasn’t convinced. Too many years of being wrong in everything he did and was, he was scared. Scared that James would be grossed out by him. Leave him.
Today, he had planned on telling him. Maybe just because they rarely had secrets from each other anymore. Probably because he thought he might burst if he didn’t talk. Talk about the way that Remus’ hair captured stray sunlight and attracted it like a magnet, and the way that everything about him just made Sirius want to- want to throw up. In a nervous way, but also good. Maybe.
But then he’d found the letter. They had all come up after dinner, when the late summer sun had set, laughing and bellies full, and Sirius just wanted to grab that one record from James’ stack.
It had sat there, tucked away but moved by the motion of him pulling the record, addressed at him.
“What’s- this is from my parents.” He had held it up, first confused, then feeling a cold feeling settle over him.
“It’s for me.”
James had stood up from where he was sitting on his bed, in a swift motion, and made a few steps towards him, before stopping at the look in his eyes.
“Pads-”, Remus said, softly, and his eyes snapped towards him.
“I wanted to give it to you tomorrow. We were just having a good time”, James said quietly, and he just sat down, on the floor. Staring at his friends.
“Well, can you leave me alone? I need to read this.”
Peter seemed to be the smartest in the situation. He realised that this was Sirius’ not to joke with voice, and he reacted. “Sure thing, Sirius”, he said, before leaving the room.
The others stayed.
“Pads, you don’t have to-”, Remus started again, but he turned away from them.
“Just leave me alone. I want to be alone.”
He knew that James had only taken it away for a day so Sirius wouldn’t get angry. Or sad, whatever. He knew James felt like it was his job to bring him back to his feet after every summer, but he hated feeling like he was a job, a burden. He felt like that enough.
So, they left.
He was leaning against the cool wall, fingers cold and almost numb suddenly, as he peeled it open.
The memories of the summer came back up. Of endless fights, and of loud voices, and much quiet ones, sharp like small needles. When he pulled the folded paper out, it smelled like her sickly perfume.
He read it from beginning to finish.
After the first time, he felt numb. He was just taking in the words, processing. But he didn’t understand.
The second time, his head started hurting. He realised it was because he was clenching his jaw too tightly.
Then, his throat started burning, and his eyes.
He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t cry when anyone was around. He had cried in front of Remus once, and two times in front of James. That was it.
But he was alone. The others wouldn’t come in until he asked them to. He was all alone with only the stark letters on parchment and the words burning into his mind. His own thoughts burning even brighter, almost.
He stood up, ignoring the way his legs were shaking.
Before he knew what he was doing, he had stalked over to Remus’ bed, falling onto it with his knees and pulling for his pillow, pressing it against his chest.
He breathed in deeply, inhaling the scent, in an attempt to cover the burning sensation the smell of the paper left in his nose, the reactions it set loose in his brain.
When he breathed out again, he didn’t hold the pillow so roughly anymore, and it wasn’t as cramped together in his arms.
Instead, he crumbled. Because this wasn’t better. He didn’t know if it was worse, but it wasn’t better either. Because he loved this smell, and he probably didn’t just love the smell, but rather the person it came with.
And he couldn’t have him.
God, he didn’t even know if Remus liked guys. No one knew that he liked guys to begin with. And it was all so messy.
His family hated him now. They had hated him for way longer than that. And he hated them equally as much, but what he hated most is that there was still this part inside of him that wanted them to approve of him. That still cared if they hated him or not.
The part just made it all the more painful.
What if Remus would be disgusted if he knew? He didn’t know he would ever be able to cope with that.
He slowly let down the pillow, huffing out a breath around his closed-up throat and blinking, deciding not to cry.
Remus’ sweater was lying on the bed, and his eyes fell on it immediately. He didn’t wonder why it was there even though it was still early September. He carefully reached out and touched the soft material.
Maybe this was his only chance, for now, to feel this close to him without ruining everything.
Sirius slipped the worn-out, softened wool over his head, arms going into the sleeves. It was way too big for Remus, and the sleeves were unbelievable stretched out. The moment it settled on his body, a fresh wave of Remus’ smell came over him.
Just like Remus always did, he gathered the sleeves in his hands, and sat back, pulling his knees and pushing the material over them.
He imagined it was Remus holding him, not just his sweater, and he breathed in shakily. He could almost see it, and he could feel it, and suddenly it wasn’t even his decision to cry.
He wondered how he had become such a failure. To his family, and to his friends. Who fell in love with one of the little true friends one had? It felt weirdly selfish.
He wordlessly pulled close the curtain, lighting the little fairy lights Remus had hung over his bedpost. They were the ones from home, he had told him once, after a full moon. He liked to read under them.
Taking the pillow in his arms again, Sirius let his eyes flutter close one last time, feeling the tears trickle down his cheeks. He could have this, only for a few moments, letting it all out before he would get back together again.
He would make a big show out of burning the letter in the common room fireplace and throwing insults in with it, and laughing with James. It would be fun, and make him forget a little. But he had to have this now.
“Remus?”
He froze.
Eyes flying open just in time with the curtain being pulled open, he started into the wide eyes of none other than Lily Evans.
“Black??”
He blinked, focus coming back. They stared at each other, both speechless for a moment.
Her eyes looked away from his face and down his body. With a feeling like a slap in his face, he realised what he must look like. What he did look like.
They stared at each other, both speechless for a moment.
“Remus isn’t here”, he said, voice sharp. He didn’t know what else to say.
With a movement, the parchment of the letter crinkled on the bed, bringing him back into reality with everything that he didn’t want to face.
“I see.”
There was another moment of silence, before he sniffed and raised his chin. Lily had obviously cried too.
“What’s…” Sirius sighed. He was not great at talking about feelings to people. And while he might not have been as close with Lily as Remus was, he still appreciated her, and he wanted to know what bothered her.
“What’s wrong?”, he asked finally, head slightly tilted. He rubbed at his eye.
She looked at him quietly for a moment, before sitting down at the foot of the bed.
“Will you tell me about yours first?”, she asked, with a little smile, like she knew what was coming.
“Of course, not”, he scoffed, looking down. The letter was between them. Turned around. Blank parchment, letters slightly pressed into it as if it had been written with a lot of force. Probably had.
She nodded. “So, you mean you’re not, like, super in love with Re or something.”
His head snapped up, and their eyes met, and he laughed. “It’s not about that. Not just that, at least.”
There was no point in denying it, anyway. Wasn’t like it wasn’t obvious anyway, the way he was still clutching Moonys pillow to his chest. Lily didn’t seem to strike him as the person to tell on something so personal.
“My dad… is very sick”, she whispered suddenly, looking down at the letter in her hands. Hair falling around her face and covering it. It always seemed to glow, somehow.
“That sucks ass.”
She laughed, a little chokingly, looking up and into his eyes. It turned into tears.
“Yeah. I don’t even know what I wanted, I just… I don’t know.”
He nodded slowly. “Do you want to dance?”, he then asked.
Surprised, she frowned, sniffing.
“What? Dance?”, she repeated, as if she wasn’t sure she hadn’t heard right.
“Yeah. James always dances with us when, you know. Life sucks.”
She smiled softly, for a moment, looking away. Like she was imagining them dancing in this exact room, bumping against bedposts and yelling. James laughing too loud in order to make them laugh too.
“Maybe dancing isn’t a too bad idea.”
So, he took the letter out of her hands, and put it next to his. He stood up, shuffling to his feet, still a little disconnected, and put on a record.
“It’s Muggle music. Re says you like it.”
She bit her lip, letting out a little laugh. “It’s nice, yeah.”
They looked at each other.
Sirius was still wearing Remus’ sweater. And now he was about to dance with Lily Evans.
She reached forward, taking the ends of the sleeves and tugging him forward a little bit. She was the first person to know.
“I like girls, you know”, she said calmly, as she laid her hands into his. For a moment, he didn’t know how to respond.
“You won’t tell anyone”, he said, starting to sway from left to right. It wasn’t a question, more of a fact. A small need for confirmation.
“I won’t. But maybe you should-”
He interrupted her, pulling her closer suddenly and swinging them around. She shrieked in surprise, and hit his arm. Sirius smiled a little.
“No”, he breathed out, and then, “So James will never even have a chance?”, with a little laugh.
She grinned. “Never said I’m not into boys too. But, Remus-”
He spun her around, pulling her close and letting their noses touch. Her hair always seemed to glow in a certain way or other. If he hadn’t been so gone for Remus, he might have seen why James was so obsessed with her.
This was not the time to talk. He couldn’t, and he didn’t want to, and he knew Lily just needed a distraction. So, he gave her one.
He opened his arm and let her twirl down, catching her hand and twirling her back towards him.
“You’re a good dancer, Black.”
“I can return the compliment, Evans.”She smiled, softly, and then she hugged him and put her head on his shoulder, breathing in.
“Will you let me braid your hair after this?”, she asked quietly, and he kissed the side of her head.
“Sure.”
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