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His body is cold. I know this means that it is time for me to let go. Still, I find myself clinging to him and praying, praying to a God that has forsaken me. I'm begging for him to come back. Why do I torture myself so? It's clear that he's dead, he has been for about an hour now. He hasn't taken a breath, and I haven't felt his heart beating. He is deceased. Yet here I am, holding on to his mangled body and crying. I'm crying. A pitiful sight, really.
I have no right to cry. After all, it is my fault that he lost his life. I shouldn't be mourning something that I took from the world. That is the objective truth. So, if this is true, why does this loss hurt me so badly? Why is the knowledge that he is gone from this world so painful to me?
Realistically speaking, I did him a favor by ending his life. There's nothing left for him here. Everything he once had is long gone. His friends, his family, all the people and places that he loved. If he were alive right now, we would be alone. I'd have no chance to salvage things with him.
Why would salvaging things even come to mind, when we were against each other in the end? Humanity against demons. The sinful beasts blessed with the right to live against the sinful beasts shamed by the god who never allowed their existence. I see now that my methods could be considered hypocritical, however, I needn’t regret my actions. Akira leading the Devilmen against me was his own mistake.
Even then, knowing that he died hating me- knowing that I never got to apologize- brings to me an undesirable pain. I knew not of such pain before this moment. Oh Akira, what have I done to you? To everything that you’ve known? If I only knew then how I would feel right now. If only I knew of this burning sadness, I might've seen the hypocrisy in my ways. But alas, we lay here, watching the world burn to the ground, and I am alone.
This is what I deserve, isn't it? To be alone is to suffer, and a lifetime of suffering could not make up for the pain that I caused you. I know this too, and despite that fact, I am subconsciously making excuses for my actions. Regardless of whether I was right or wrong, my actions brought about your downfall. So I will accept the torment that awaits me in loneliness. For once, I will not let you down. I will not let the baton fall. That is what you would have wanted from me, isn't it Akira?
It's selfish of me to think of you in that way. No matter how I wronged you, you were too kind- too good- to wish that sort of pain upon me. You were angry, rightfully so, but you wouldn't hurt anyone in that way. Only I am capable of inflicting that sort of torture, and look where it brought me. Everything has been destroyed, and I am to blame. Everything you once loved, everything that you could have shown me, all of it is gone now. Only the ashes of what humanity built- what you built- remain.
"So let it be written; so let it be done." You were God's beloved Adam, and I was His foolish Eve. We were put on Earth and cursed to be together, whatever the consequences. But that which He gave did not satisfy me. Love did not satisfy me. I wanted what I could not have, and my greed drove me to take it. That may be my sin, but I only regret that I took you with me as I fell. We lost our battle, just as they did.
My beloved Akira, though it was fate that brought us together, it was me who pulled us apart. I pray that in a different life you will be around to forgive me. Though my love was once unknown, even to myself, I long for a time when we could have been together. I love you, and I am a fool for only seeing that after you left. My sinful mind was clouded by pride and wrath, and that was our downfall.
I know not why you befriended me when you did, but I am grateful beyond words. Sinners such as myself don’t deserve such comforts, even in memory. My success would not have been without you, but my success was not worth losing you.
As I sit here among the rubble and reflect, you grow colder beside me. I thought it impossible for someone such as yourself to lose your warmth. You were oh, so warm before. The sun herself was envious of your light. Now, after everything else has been ripped away from you, He dares to take this too? What an envious God we have.
Akira, my Akira… One day, far in the future, when I have lost my eternal battle and the Earth has reclaimed what was once hers, we will be together once more. Because, Akira, no matter how the curtains close on this pointless existence of mine, I will be yours until my final breath. "So let it be written; so let it be done."