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He goes over the bullet points in his head once more, mentally checking and rechecking every little detail.
Casey doesn't have to be told.
There is a lot riding on this.
As he stares at the tag on the door in front of him, which reads '4B', he thinks about what happened just a few weeks prior inside this very same apartment.
He is determined not to repeat history.
But that isn't exactly up to him, now is it?
Self doubt begins to creep in again. It is a part of his nature. Matt starts to think about all the ways this could go wrong.
Is he really willing to risk getting hurt again?
He squashes the thought like a bug.
Of course he is. And it all comes back to the woman he's come here to see.
For him, there is no other. No one, not Gabby, or Naomi, or anyone else he's been with can compare to what he feels for her.
Sylvie Brett is it for him.
Matt is certain of that.
Now the challenge is trying to convince her of that fact.
He recalls some advice his sister Christie gave him over dinner just a few days ago:
"Ten years from now, do you really want to look back on what happened between you and Sylvie and wonder what could have been? Do you really want to live with regrets?"
"Think about it.You deserve to be happy too, little brother."
It's the final push he needs. Before he can change his mind again, Matt is knocking on her door. 'It's now or never', he muses.
A few moments pass before it opens. She is standing there in sweats and an oversized t-shirt, a curious look on her face.
"Just, hear me out." He can't risk being interrupted.
Matt doesn't know what he'll do if she shuts the door in his face.
Thankfully, she doesn't.
He continues.
"Let me say my piece now, get everything off my chest and if at the end of it you still want me to leave, I'll do it. I'll walk out of here and I won't bother you again. I promise." His heart is beating a mile a minute and his palms are sweating as he anxiously awaits her response.
Sylvie looks conflicted. She fiddles with the band of her watch. He can see the weariness in her eyes as she considers his request.
Matt wants to kick himself for ever having put this burden on her shoulders. Sylvie is too good to be weighed down like this. She does not deserve any of the pain that life has showered upon her.
He wants to comfort her. He would like nothing more than to pull her close and hold her tight, tell her that none of this is her fault and that everything will be ok, but he stops himself. After all, he is the reason she is in this mess to begin with.
Finally, after several agonizingly slow seconds she speaks:
"Ok."
With that she steps aside and lets him into her apartment. To say he is relieved would be an understatement. Matt wasn't sure he'd make it this far.
It's progress, but he isn't done yet.
Not even close.
As Matt steps over the threshold and into her apartment, he takes stock of his surroundings. Her living room is largely the same as the last time he was here, with one notable exception. The big blue couch where they kissed and he held her oh so close all those weeks ago is nowhere to be seen.
"You got rid of the couch?" Matt asks, turning his head slightly to look at her.
"I had it moved into storage", she says quietly. At his questioning glance she replies:
"Too many memories."
She won't meet his eyes.
Her voice is shaky and unsure. It's a far cry from the normally sunny optimism he is used to seeing from her. Matt hates that he is the reason why.
"Right."
He runs a hand over the back of his head and takes a deep breath, stopping to collect his thoughts. An uneasy silence settles over the room.
Sylvie moves to stand behind one of the armchairs that adorn her living space. It is almost as if she's trying to shield herself from him. She starts messing with her watch band again. He thinks that if the stakes for this conversation weren't so high, he might find all of her fidgeting adorable. But now is not the time.
'No regrets Casey,' he reminds himself.
He turns his body so that they are facing each other. If this is his last chance, he's sure as hell gonna make it count. Gathering his nerve, he begins to speak:
"I want to start by apologizing." If Sylvie is at all surprised with his choice of introductions, she doesn't show it.
"If I had done a better job of sorting through the mess that is my head, none of this would have happened."
He continues:
"You asked me a question and I gave the wrong answer. I hurt you Sylvie, and I'm sorry."
As he speaks, he runs the gauntlet of negative emotions. They play out on his face like a slideshow; fear, sadness, frustration, before finally settling on regret.
And man, does Matt have many regrets when it comes to Sylvie.
What happened the last time he was here in her apartment is certainly near the top of the list, but there are other things that come to mind as well; like not asking her to dinner with Boden and Donna, not kissing her when she fixed his bandage, and of course, pushing her back into the Chaplain's arms.
Really, he can think of a million different things he would do differently if given the chance.
None of that matters now, however. He doesn't have a time machine. He can't change the past. Besides, Back to the Future is a bunch of bullshit anyways.
What Matt Casey can control is what he says and does now, in this moment. He has a chance, possibly his last, to set things straight between them and get everything out on the table at once.
This is the thought that pushes him to keep talking, steely resolve settling in his veins.
"But I want you to know you are wrong about me." Her ears perk up a bit at this.
"You somehow got this idea in your head that I'm still in love with Gabby or that I'm waiting for her to come back when the truth is, you're the only person I've had on my mind all this time." He pauses for a moment, gauging her reaction.
Sylvie is gripping the back of the chair in front of tightly. Her knuckles are white. The expression on her face is unreadable but there are unshed tears in her eyes.
He hopes that's a good sign.
Also, she hasn't cut him off or asked him to leave yet, so he takes that as his cue to keep talking.
"I know you're scared Sylvie, scared of getting hurt again. I know a lot of people have done that to you in the past. Myself included," he hastily adds. "But I've never lied to you before and I don't plan to start now. So I need you to believe me when I tell you that Gabby is in the past and that's where she'll stay, but the only one I want right now is you." His voice drips with conviction.
As Matt finishes his speech, he lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He looks intently to Sylvie, anxiously watching her while he waits for an answer.
More and more seconds pass, during which Casey becomes convinced all this silence is the Universe's way of torturing him for some forgotten misdeed.
Finally, she responds. Dropping her hands to her sides as she steps around the chair towards him, she says:
"I do. -believe you, I mean. And, I feel the same way." The tears are running down her cheeks now.
It's gratifying to hear her say. Somehow, she trusts him, still, even after everything they've been through up to this point. It's a heavy burden to carry.
Casey wouldn't have it any other way.
"But,"
Matt momentarily feels his heart stop in his chest.
"This can't happen again", she says, gesturing between the two of them.
He feels the rug pulled out from under him.
'Figures', he thinks bitterly.
How could he be so stupid?
Just when he was beginning to believe they would recoup everything that they'd lost, she goes and drops a bombshell on him.
"I see." He feels all the energy drain out of him in one fell swoop. He turns to leave.
"I'll just hea-" he doesn't get to finish the thought.
Suddenly, Sylvie is grabbing his arm and spinning him around to face her once again.
"No!" She says with a sigh. "You see, this is exactly what I mean. miscommunication."
She looks exasperated with him, but there's also a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.
Everything clicks for him then.
He's an idiot.
He really does have his head stuck up his ass.
Sylvie takes his hand in both of hers, her thumbs rubbing small circles on his palm. She looks at him and says:
"If we're going to do this, you need to promise me something."
Matt tilts his head to look at her. He gives a little nod to let her know she has his full attention and to keep going.
"Promise me that we'll always say what we're thinking, even if it's hard, or painful, or we're not sure how the other person will react. An honest partnership."
He wants nothing more.
"No more miscommunications, no secrets, no regrets." Sylvie looks up at him expectantly. She looks nervous.
Matt thinks back to what Christie said to him, about looking back in ten years, and the kind of regrets he might have. He makes up his mind then and there. He is done having regrets as far as Sylvie Brett is concerned.
"I promise", he replies. He grins at her, his gaze is earnest and completely open.
She searches his eyes, and, apparently satisfied with what she sees, unveils a wide smile of her own. Then, she pulls him in for a searing kiss.
'Apparently I wasn't the only one that missed this', he thinks.
After several minutes stood there in her living room, making out like a couple of teenagers, Sylvie pulls away momentarily.
Her hair is out of sorts, she's a little out of breath, and her lips are red and swollen. Matt thinks she's never been more beautiful.
"Can I ask you something?" This time, she is smiling when she says it. There is not a trace of fear or apprehension or sadness left in her expression. In it's place, there is only joy and affection.
"Anything", he replies confidently. He means it. For this woman, Matt would go to the ends of the Earth... and also jump off of moving firetrucks.
"Can you help me get my couch back?"
Matt laughs before kissing her again.