Work Text:
1 ~~ When your loved one turns into a worm
“We have a problem.”
Jiang Cheng paused mid-stroke, holding his brush still, and felt a piece of his soul drift away at his brother-in-law’s words.
Wherever Lan Wangji was concerned there was always a problem.
So, Jiang Cheng decided to ignore him, just like he ignored all of his problems, and went back to signing important sect papers.
But suddenly Lan Wangji came closer to his desk and snatched the brush out of Jiang Cheng’s hands, flinging it across the room within unnecessary force because let it be known that Lan Wangji was a very very violent man, despite what the cultivation world believed-
“We have a problem.” Lan Wangji repeated as if he hadn’t just barged into Jiang Cheng’s office and started harassing him, unprovoked. Jiang Cheng hadn’t even done anything to insult his honor that morning, so what the hell?
“That was my favorite brush.” Jiang Cheng hissed, staring at the broken pieces forlornly. And they said he was the one with anger issues...Jiang Cheng hadn’t forgotten about the time his brother-in-law had drunkenly confessed that he’d punched a tree after “accidentally” kissing Wei Wuxian all those years ago--
Lan Wangji gave him a blank stare.
“...”
“...”
“...I will buy you a new one-”
“You better or else I’ll tell everyone about the…” Jiang Cheng made a vague gesture with his hands-- drunk Lan Wangji was the main source of Jiang Cheng’s potent blackmail material, and for that, he was forever grateful to the Lan Sect’s low alcohol tolerance.
Lan Wangji’s eyes widened ever-so-slightly, but he ever-so-persistently trudged on.
“As you wish. But we still have a problem.” Lan Wangji repeated.
“No.” Jiang Cheng vigorously shook his head. “ You have a problem. I’ve been in my office all afternoon, minding my own business-”
“You tripped me on the way to breakfast.”
“No, I didn’t-”
Lan Wangji squinted at him.
Shit. Maybe he had...
“And while we were eating you tried to put chili flakes into my tea.” Lan Wangji continued calmly, though Jiang Cheng was well aware that the other was probably plotting all of the ways he’d murder Jiang Cheng later that week…
But Jiang Cheng honestly had no regrets because-
“ You started it!” Jiang Cheng hissed, indignantly.
“I did not mean to push you into the lake yesterday-”
“ Bullshit!”
“I’m not-”
“How do you accidentally push someone into a lake?” Jiang Cheng scowled at him, thinking back to how drenched his robes had been, and the outright cackling, from Wei Wuxian, and hidden laughter mixed with sympathy, from Lan Xichen, he’d had to endure.
“My hands slipped.”
Jiang Cheng shot him a nasty look, but he finally took in Lan Wangji’s demeanor. On the outside, the man seemed as stoic and unmoved as ever, but after years of knowing him, he was now able to decipher the well-disguised emotions on the other’s face. At that moment, for example, he noticed the slight frown tugging at the corners of Hanguang-jun’s mouth and the distressed look in his eyes.
Jiang Cheng knew he would regret asking but, “ Fine. What happened?”
Lan Wangji stuck a hand into one of the pockets in his robes and then held out something for Jiang Cheng to see.
“...”
Jiang Cheng blinked, very slowly.
He was holding a worm...
Jiang Cheng looked back and forth between Lan Wangji and the small creature that began slithering across his palm, millimeters at a time.
“What the hell?” Jiang Cheng snapped. “You interrupted my work to show me a worm? Who are you, Wei Wuxian ?”
“It is not a worm.” Lan Wangji informed him gravely, eyes downcast.
Jiang Cheng squinted at the creature in Lan Wangji’s hand again. “Lan Wangji, what are you playing at?”
“It’s not a worm it’s…” Lan Wangji sounded genuinely upset. “It’s Brother .”
Jiang Cheng gaped at him in disbelief. With anyone else-- namely Wei Wuxian because he was the only idiot that would dare try to prank him these days--Jiang Cheng would’ve chewed them out and forced them to leave his room for telling such ludicrous lies.
However, this was Lan Wangji. He was many things, including a terrible a liar.
“T-that’s Lan Huan?” Jiang Cheng stared at the worm with wide eyes.
Lan Wangji nodded, frowning.
“Are you fucking with me…?”
Lan Wangji shook his head, and sadly Jiang Cheng could tell that he was being serious.
“H-how the hell do you know?” Jiang Cheng really didn’t want to believe what Lan Wangji was saying because what the fuck that would’ve meant his fiance actually did get turned into a worm, but they were supposed to be married in three months and he really didn’t want to make his wedding bows with an invertebrate...
“Brother and I were supposed to have lunch this afternoon-”
“I know, that’s why I had the staff set you two a table by the Pier!”
“Mn. But when I arrived at the table, Brother wasn’t there.” Lan Wangji pointed to the worm who had curled itself around his middle finger and was now moving towards the index. “This was in his chair.”
Rationally Jiang Cheng knew that Lan Wangji’s logic was flawed and he was probably leaping to conclusions, but that didn’t stop the panic and paranoia from settling in.
Because the longer he mulled over it, the more Lan Wangji’s claim was starting to make sense. Lan Huan had been looking forward to spending time with his brother while visiting Lotus Pier; Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji had hardly seen each other recently because he’d been so busy making wedding preparations with Jiang Cheng in Lotus Pier.
Furthermore, it didn’t fit Lan Xichen’s character to simply bail on his little brother without a word. In fact, Lan Xichen wouldn’t bail on anyone, not even Sect Leader Yao, without a word because he was kind and polite and…
And apparently, he was a worm.
“...My fiance’s a worm...”
At Lan Wangji’s solemn nod, Jiang Cheng buried his face in his hands and screamed. Loudly.
“How did this even happen?! Did my brother do this?” If so, then Jiang Cheng was going to murder him and then feed him to the other worms slithering around in the dirt-
“No.” Lan Wangji shook his head, quickly defending his husband. “Wei Ying was still asleep when I found Brother like this.”
Jiang Cheng felt the hysteria settle in. “Can I...Can I hold him?” He finally asked, and at Lan Wangji’s stiff nod, he gently picked up his fiance and cradled him in his hands, letting the worm slither about.
Jiang Cheng wanted to scream again.
“I’m going to have to marry a worm.” Jiang Cheng turned to Hanguang-jun with a manic look in his eyes. “A worm, Lan Wangji.”
Lan Wangji was silent for a few moments before unhelpfully asking, “...You would marry a worm?”
Jiang Cheng glared at him, “Don’t you dare judge me. If this was Wei Wuxian you would do the same.”
Lan Wangji didn’t respond but his face said enough.
Jiang Cheng picked up the worm and inspected it, trying to reconcile the fact that this slimy little creature was his beloved Lan Huan.
“Will he even look good in red like this?”
“Brother looks handsome in any form.” Lan Wangji stated in what he probably thought was a reassuring tone.
Jiang Cheng stared at the worm again and fought the urge to cry.
“We have to fix this.” Jiang Cheng stated, handing his fiance back to Lan Wangji. “We need to go to the library.”
“Mn.” Lan Wangji agreed, with feeling. Together they rushed out of Jiang Cheng’s quarters, making sure that they could see the worm at all times.
Jiang Cheng had no idea what he would do with himself if he accidentally dropped and stomped on his fiance.
~~
“Lan Zhan! A-Cheng!” A voice called out from behind them. Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji froze in their tracks. They looked at each other and then the worm and then at each other again. Lan Wangji stuffed the worm inside of his pocket and then turned around to face Wei Wuxian, trying to look as casual as possible.
“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji greeted him. He then had to attempt to discreetly elbow Jiang Cheng in the ribs because the Sect Leader was fixated on Lan Wangji’s pockets, worrying about whether or not his fiance was suffocating in there-
“Wei Wuxian...” Jiang Cheng greeted, rubbing at his sides because for some reason Lan Wangji’s elbow was incredibly bony -
Wei Wuxian shot them a curious look, “Are you two okay? Lan Zhan, you seem tense. And Jiang Cheng, you haven’t even insulted me yet...”
Jiang Cheng was beginning to get impatient. His fiance, who was a worm now, by the way, was probably cooking inside of Hanguang-jun’s pockets, and here Wei Wuxian was, being his usual nosy self, preventing them from saving him--
“We’re fine.” Lan Wangji tried to reassure him.
Wei Wuxian looked unconvinced.
“Then why does A-Cheng keep staring at your pockets with that look on his face?”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji quickly shared a panicked glance.
“He owes me money.” Jiang Cheng blurted.
Lan Wangji nodded. “I owe him money.”
Wei Wuxian squinted at them. “Jiang Cheng. You’re a Sect Leader. Why in the world do you need Lan Zhan’s money?”
“Ummm-”
“I lost a bet.”
“He lost a bet...And now he owes me money.”
“A lot of money-”
“So much money-”
“Wei Ying, we might go broke.”
Wei Wuxian continued to stare at them, incredulously-- though at this point, shouldn't he have acclimatized to their nonsense by now…?
“Anyways be seeing you Wei Wuxian.” Jiang Cheng waved and began to speed-walk away. Lan Wangji gave his husband a quick kiss on the forehead and followed in Jiang Cheng’s footsteps, and they were about to leave a befuddled Wei Wuxian behind when suddenly they heard a-
“Oh, Wangji! Wanyin! There you two are.”
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji paused mid-step at the familiar voice. They didn’t dare turn around.
But Lan Xichen continued on, oblivious. “I’m sorry I was late to lunch Wangji! The juniors wanted to learn a few new forms and I didn’t have the heart to tell them no...I asked a disciple to inform you so we could reschedule tomorrow!”
Unbeknownst to Lan Xichen, a disciple had shown up to pass on the message, but Lan Wangji had already rushed off to Jiang Cheng with his worm-
They slowly turned around, Lan Wangji keeping his eyes trained on the ground, and Jiang Cheng covering his face, mortified.
Why was he so stupid? Why was Lan Wangji so stupid? What the fuck?
Lan Xichen smiled at them with a small wave.
“I’m glad I’m marrying you and not a worm!” Jiang Cheng blurted, and then Lan Wangji slapped a hand against his mouth, glaring at his brother-in-law.
Wei Wuxian’s eyebrows nearly reached the sky.
Lan Xichen’s smile flickered, “...T-thank you?”
And as Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji watched as the silhouette of the worm shifted around in Lan Wangji’s pocket, they had to wonder if they’d always been this idiotic or if it was a result of spending time with one another.
Both conceded it was most likely the latter.
2 ~~ When you sacrifice your juniors to your massive turtle army
Lan Jingyi had quickly grown to look forward to visiting Lotus Pier during the summers. After he’d realized that Sect Leader Jiang was really just a taller, more purple, version of A-Ling, he’d long since stopped secretly trembling in fear whenever he visited the Jiang Sect because he knew Sect Leader Jiang's glares were for everyone , not just him. In fact, it’d be odd if he didn’t glare at him.
“How much farther?” Jin Ling whined, hoisting his quiver farther up his shoulder.
They were going to “train”, or rather, Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui were going to watch as Ouyang Zizhen pelted apples at his boyfriend so that said boyfriend could show off his “impeccable archery skills” but really, Lan Jingyi was just excited to see how many would inevitably collide with his face.
“What do you mean ‘how much farther?’ This your home, dumbass!”
“Shut up Jingyi!”
“...He has a point-” At Jin Ling’s vicious glare, Zizhen chuckled nervously sending him an “air-kiss”, which had Jin Ling blushing, furiously and Lan Jingyi snickering, clutching onto Lan Sizhui, whilst the calmest of their group tried to hide a smile at their antics.
“We’re almost there.” Lan Sizhui commented as he noticed the path getting denser and denser with trees.
But as the juniors were walking, for some reason it felt like they were being watched... It was like there was something lurking in the forest, staring right at them, tracking their every move
It was creepy and even Lan Jingyi wanted to start sprinting away even though he despised running, with a passion.
“Um, guys…” Zizhen’s grip on Jin Ling’s hand had become rather tight. “Does something feel... off ?”
Jin Ling was about to open his mouth to agree when suddenly, there was an onslaught of furious pattering along the ground.
The juniors immediately looked down, eyes widening in disbelief, and vague horror, as an army of turtles all-but advanced upon them, as if the creatures were out for blood.
It was silent for a few moments as the quartet went rigid in palpable fear.
And then Jin Ling was shrieking and sprinting away, pulling a stunned Zizhen along with him. Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui started running away too, but somehow the turtles were gaining on them-?
“Jingyi!” Lan Sizhui cried, and then shot his friend a pained look. “Please forgive me!”
“What-?” But before Jingyi could finish his sentence, Lan Sizhui was tripping him and sacrificing him to the army.
“A-Yuan what the fuck?!”
“Sorry!” And then, “If you live I’ll make it up to you!”
~~
“A-Yuan! I can’t believe you tripped him-”
“A-Ling, you’re the one who started laughing after he fell-!”
“Guys we have to go back for him!”
“...”
“...”
“Guys-!”
“...Zizhen’s right...”
“Ugh! Fine. But if he’s dead, I’m not carrying his corpse!”
~~
And so the guilty trio quickly traced their way back to where they came from and as soon as they arrived they were met with-
Uh-
There lay Lan Jingyi, deathly still, buried under a blanket of turtles, with only his left palm visible. Lan Sizhui stifled a gasp, and Zizhen immediately began planning how their remaining trio would coordinate their funeral outfits.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji were there as well, standing a few meters away whispering to each other while Jingyi got devoured(?!) by turtles.
“Is Jingyi dead?!” Jin Ling cried, gawking at the scene.
Jiang Cheng paused, mid-rant, and the pair finally noticed the stunned trio.
Jiang Cheng scoffed at his nephew’s outburst... but notably, he didn’t say “no”.
“W-what’s going on?” Lan Sizhui looked back and forth between his Father and Uncle, guilt growing by the second. Oh no. If Jingyi got smothered by turtles, he’s going to haunt me for the rest of my days-
“A human sacrifice.” Lan Wangji replied serenely.
“A what?!” Zizhen was unable to hold back his terror.
And suddenly, Lan Jingyi, who’d been too busy playing with the other turtles to have noticed his traitorous friends arrive, started laughing-- one the turtles had been sharing an inside joke with him-- He raised his arms to gently hold the baby turtle that had been covering his face.
“Who’s a cute little turtle?” He cooed, swaying her back and forth. He didn’t have much motion available in his arms, or legs, because a couple of the turtles were sleeping on his limbs. He’d tried to stay as still as possible earlier, but he couldn’t resist it...and it had been getting a bit difficult to breathe. “You are! Yes you are! You’re my favorite! What’s her name?” He directed the last question towards Sect Leader Jiang and Hanguang-jun, excitement palpable from his words.
“Xiongwei.” Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji answered in unison, and Lan Jingyi beamed.
Of course… Jin Ling thought to himself, initial horror wearing off. What else would they name a turtle other than “Majestic?”
Lan Jingyi startled giggling because a couple of turtles seemed to be having a mini wrestling match near his shoes, and then finally noticed his friends had appeared. He supposed he could forgive them for being traitors...being forced into Sect Leader Jiang and Hanguang-jun’s schemes was actually pretty fun! Sometimes...
The juniors slowly came and sat by him, and the turtles congregated over to the newcomers as well. Zizhen started giggling too as a few crawled onto his lap. Jin Ling scowled as one started attacking his ankle- seriously what did he ever do to them? Shouldn’t he have some immunity to the army? Did being Jiang Cheng’s nephew count for nothing?
“I’m sorry for sacrificing you.” Lan Sizhui still looked a little guilty as he pet one of the turtles napping on Jingyi’s stomach.
Lan Jingyi laughed, waving him off. “It’s fine!... Because you’re next-”
And as Jin Ling strained his ear to listen in on his Uncles’ hushed conversation he noted that Lan Sizhui was indeed next.
3 ~~ When you and your bestie play tag
The sun was just rising, it was warm, but there was a cool breeze rushing through Lan Xichen’s hair as he and his fiance walked along the Pier, enjoying each other’s company before the start of the day.
Lan Xichen smiled at Jiang Cheng and his fiance returned it in kind.
Aside from Jiang Cheng, going on outdoor walks was one of Lan Xichen’s favorite things to do.
They were relaxing.
Peaceful.
Tranquil.
Peaceful.
Calming.
Did he mention peaceful-?
But just as Lan Xichen was about to suggest he and Jiang Cheng visit the markets later, the Lan heard a pair of furious footsteps rushing towards them.
And suddenly, his little brother of all people, sprinted --because rules are apparently meaningless if you’re not in Gusu--up behind the pair.
Before Lan Xichen could even close his gaping mouth, Lan Wangji was rearing his hand back and hitting the back of Jiang Cheng’s neck with a loud smack.
Then in a monotone voice, he stated, “You are it.” and started sprinting away again, this time with even more speed.
Jiang Cheng growled, reluctantly letting go of Lan Xichen’s hand, and started chasing after Lan Wangji, rubbing the back of his neck.
He looked slightly feral.
“You asshat! That stung! I will murder you-!” He sounded slightly feral as well.
All Lan Xichen could do was open and close his mouth, gaping after them, until another pair of footsteps came up behind him.
Wei Wuxian was panting and out of breath, hanging off Lan Xichen’s shoulder, taking in huge gulps of air.
“I-Is this some bizarre version of “tag”?!” Wei Wuxian finally hissed, once he caught his breath, his irritation making him sound far too similar to Jiang Cheng.
“I-”
“This is for pushing me into that lake last week, asshole!”
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen reluctantly turned towards the source of the declaration.
A few meters up ahead, they watched as Jiang Cheng pushed Lan Wangji off the Pier, yelling a shrill “You’re it!”, as Lan Wangji fell into the water with a resounding splash.
Jiang Cheng started cackling, and then jumped into the water himself-
“...And people call me the maniac?” Wei Wuxian muttered, incredulously.
Lan Xichen silently sympathized with him.
He linked their arms, and they quickly started walking off in the opposite direction completely ignoring the chaos behind them:
“I will drown you.”
“I’d like to see you try-mmmph!”
“Ooo! Want to go to that tea shop that we like?” Wei Wuxian tugged on his arm.
Lan Xichen hummed, “The one with the-?”
“Yeah and the-?”
“Oh! I think they’re serving new flavors! Though I’m not sure…”
“Well, then we have to go!”
“We must.”
4 ~~ When nothing remotely funny is going on, but you meet your best friend's gaze and you can’t stop laughing for some reason-
Jiang Cheng was only at this meeting to get into the elders’ good books because honestly, he felt bad for Lan Qiren; not only did he have to deal with Wei Wuxian’s nonsense on the daily, but ever since he and Lan Wangji had become…“ not-enemies” ...Jiang Cheng knew quite well that he’d also become a source of migraines for the elder Lan.
And so he attended this meeting to show his good faith to the Lan Sect, and to support his fiance as well.
He offered his unique input as an esteemed Sect Leader himself when asked for, and overall, by the time they were halfway through the meeting, Jiang Cheng had noticed that the squinted looks he’d received from his uncle-in-law had significantly decreased.
Things were going well...
...Until Jiang Cheng decided to scan his eyes around the room.
He had no idea what caused it. At the moment, one of the elders was droning on about some miscellaneous tax reforms, it wasn’t anything remotely entertaining.
So he was really rather confused when, the moment his eyes flickered towards Lan Wangji and the Lan’s stoic gaze met his, Jiang Cheng immediately felt his face twitch, almost breaking composure.
But not wanting to back down from a challenge, the pair kept looking towards each other.
Lan Wangji picked up his cup of tea.
He took a sip from said cup of tea, maintaining eye contact the entire time.
And for some reason , that’s all it took for Jiang Cheng to lose it.
He snorted out loud, making the elder that was currently speaking almost jump in place.
Lan Wangji accidentally did a spit take on the back of another elder’s head. And then quickly slapped a palm against his mouth, but it was obvious to everyone that his shoulders were shaking as he violently suppressed his laughter.
Jiang Cheng wasn’t having that much luck either, and seeing the ever-composed Hanguang-jun lose his composure only made it worse.
They were a lost cause.
And Lan Xichen had to wonder whether or not if he kept his face buried in his palms long enough, the infuriated elders might somehow forget that that was his fiance and that was his brother.
But as he heard said little brother stifle a small wheeze and said fiance start snickering, even more, he found himself unable to contain a smile of his own…
5 ~~ When you and your bestie narrowly avoid a vicious battle
Jiang Cheng didn’t understand why he was being made to fetch Lan Wangji, but then again, ever since the failed elders’ meeting, Lan Xichen had been working twice as hard to restore Jiang Cheng’s reputation in their eyes. In fact, he was attending another meeting today.
“...Shouldn’t I be there?” Jiang Cheng had asked. It was his reputation after all.
“Should you?” Lan Xichen had responded without even taking a breath.
“...”
And before Jiang Cheng could say anything his fiance was kissing him on the cheek and rushing to the meeting, leaving Jiang Cheng to his own devices.
So, he’d decided to take a walk. But of course, he’d accidentally ran into his good-for-nothing brother, and of course, Wei Wuxian couldn’t just let him escape that easily-
“So! Have you seen Lan Zhan today?”
“None of my rashes have flared up yet, so no.”
“...”
“...”
“...Can you go look for him then-?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Why not?!”
“Didn’t you just hear me? He gives me a rash-”
“A-Cheng! Please? I’ll do anything-”
“Why can’t you? He’s your husband!”
“But isn’t he your best friend?”
“Who cares? Why do I have to?”
“...”
“What was that?”
“I have to take a nap.”
“...”
“I woke up early-!”
“You woke up at noon, you lazy shit!”
“Details. Details…Just bring him back to the Jingshi. Pretty please!”
“Wei Wuxian! Stop walking away from me you useless-”
“Thanks, A-Cheng! You're the best didi anyone could ask for!”
And that had, regrettably and shamefully, made Jiang Cheng immediately snap his mouth shut and do as he was asked.
...Since when had he become such a pushover? Once he found Lan Wangji, wherever that asshole was, he was going to insist they start picking a few fights with some other Sect Leaders so Jiang Cheng could build his bravado back up.
But then, after a good twenty minutes of walking, he eventually did find his brother-in-law...
Jiang Cheng stared at him, but the Lan didn’t seem to notice his presence.
“...What the hell are you doing?” Is this how their older brothers felt whenever they walked in on one of their latest schemes? Jiang Cheng was truly starting to understand the meaning of the word ‘empathy’.
Lan Wangji tensed from his spot on the ground, but remained silent, in hopes that his brother-in-law would just give up and walk away, neither of which Jiang Cheng did.
Instead, Jiang Cheng continued to stare at the troubling sight of Lan Wangji, laying flat down on his stomach, in the middle of the path, having an intense staring contest with a...turtle...
“...Why are you glaring at him?” Jiang Cheng sounded tired as he rubbed his eyes. “What did he do to you?”
Lan Wangji continued to ignore him as the turtle in question crawled a few paces forward, now millimeters away from Lan Wangji’s face. He was so close that the honorable Hanguang-jun had to cross his eyes to maintain eye contact.
“Lan Wangji-”
“Shhh.”
“I-”
“Do not speak.” Lan Wangji briefly turned his head back to scowl at him, and Jiang Cheng sneered in response.
“He can hear you.”
“He’s a fucking turtle?!”
Lan Wangji hummed, turning back around, “That is what he wants you to think.”
As if on cue the turtle opened its mouth and tried to take a bite out of Lan Wangji’s nose, and Jiang Cheng had decided he’d had enough.
“Enough.” Jiang Cheng snapped from above.
Both Lan Wangji and the turtle momentarily stopped coming for each other’s necks to squint at him.
“Let’s go.” Jiang Cheng huffed and started walking away. He was a few paces in when suddenly he realized that Lan Wangji hadn’t followed him.
“For fuck’s sake.”
Jiang Cheng stomped back, grabbed a fistful of Lan Wangji’s hair and tugged, snickering as the other jolted upright hissing like a cat, but still, somehow, remained glaring down at the turtle who’d slowly begun crawling away, forfeiting the fight.
“He insulted me.” Lan Wangji mumbled, walking backwards with his arm crossed over his chest, like a petulant toddler, as Jiang Cheng walked forwards, using Lan Wangji’s hair as a crude “leash”.
Jiang Cheng snorted, loudly, almost tripping over himself. “And what did he say? That you’re an egotistical prick whose only talents are being quiet, waving around a sword, and having nice skin?”
Lan Wangji craned his head to the side to squint at him. “...You think I have nice skin?”
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes, and kept dragging him along. “It’s your only redeemable quality.”
“Fair enough.” Lan Wangji hummed. “You have none.”
Jiang Cheng tugged on his hair, even harder this time, and he had to admit, as Lan Wangji began, quietly, cursing him out, he was quite proud to recognize many of the words from his own colorful, unsavory vernacular had unwittingly ended up in Hanguang-jun’s vocabulary.
+[(1 ²+ 1 ²)- 1 ² ] ÷ 1
Lan Wangji wouldn’t call himself “fearless” per say...it’s just that he had a very, very, shortlist of fears. In fact, there were only two things on the list:
- Losing the people he loved and cared about.
- ...Wei Ying’s cooking...
... And Lan Wangji wouldn’t dare admit the last one out loud. He loved his husband. He did...But there was only so much more his taste buds and his stomach could take…
Perhaps today would be the day that Lan Wangji would add another item to his list.
“...”
“...”
“Lan Zhan…”
“...”
“Lan Zhan what-?”
Lan Wangji pressed a slightly trembling finger against his husband’s mouth as he blatantly used Wei Wuxian as a shield. Every other second he would peek behind Wei Wuxian’s shoulder, eyes darting wildly around the pathway.
“Lan Zhan.” Wei Wuxian whisper-yelled. They’d been standing there, in this exact same spot for half an hour now , and as much as Wei Wuxian loved spending time with his husband, this was getting ridiculous...and he had a “tea date” planned with Lan Xichen for this afternoon--
“What are you doing? What’s wrong-?”
“Wei Ying.” Lan Wangji’s voice was barely above a whisper. His lips were barely centimeters away from Wei Wuxian’s ears, and yet Wei Wuxian still had to strain himself to hear his husband. “I want you to know that I love you.”
Wei Wuxian choked, and slowly craned his head to turn his dubious stare at Lan Wangji. They were married, so of course this wasn’t a groundbreaking revelation , but why did it sound like Lan Wangji was about to die in the next few moments?
“And if he gets me-”
“W-what?! If who gets you?”
“I would like you to know that I will love you in the afterlife as well-”
“L-lan Zhan?!-” Wei Wuxian was sputtering at the moment, because what the hell was going on? Who was plotting to murder his husband? But all of a sudden, Wei Wuxian could literally feel Lan Wangji tense as someone arrived. And he had to wonder who, who could’ve possibly elicited a reaction such as this-?
...Wei Wuxian didn’t have to wait very long for an answer...
Appearing upon the path in a righteous storm of anger was none other than Jiang Cheng. He had Sandu in one hand and Zidian, alive and angry with violet electricity, in the other. A vein in his temple was throbbing so prominently, that Wei Wuxian had to resist the urge to reach out and poke it, lest he inflict his little brother’s evident wrath upon himself.
“Wei Wuxian.” Jiang Cheng growled. He almost sounded inhuman. “Move.”
Lan Wangji kept his vice-like grip on his husband.
Wei Wuxian held back a long-suffering sigh in his throat. He really hoped this wouldn’t take long, Lan Xichen had procured special green tea leaves from a Sect far up the north, and Wei Wuxian was dying to try them. Couldn’t his husband and his little brother try to kill each other another day?
“A-Cheng, I can’t move.” He whined. To emphasize his point, he took a step forward and Lan Wangji followed, clinging to his back like a starfish.
“Lan Wangji! You coward! Using my brother as a shield?” Jiang Cheng pointed Sandu at them.
“I never claimed to be brave.” Lan Wangji gave back, bitterly, peeking over Wei Wuxian’s shoulder to glare at his brother-in-law, to which Jiang Cheng sent a vicious scowl in return.
“What the hell are you two fighting about this time?” Wei Wuxian didn’t bother keeping the exhaustion out of his tone. Oh no. What if Xichen-ge had already started brewing the tea? If the leaves were steeped for too long they won’t taste as good.
Fuck!
Lan Wangji snapped his mouth shut, but Jiang Cheng’s scowl never wavered.
“ You tell him.”
Lan Wangji shook his head.
Jiang Cheng huffed, and then started pouting. Wei Wuxian could feel Lan Wangji’s chest vibrating against his back, and he suddenly realized his husband was laughing, even whilst fearing for his life.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
“Oh no!” Wei Wuxian frantically gestured off to the side, coming up with and executing a contrived plan within mere seconds. “Is that Sect Leader Yao?!” And then, as if they’d never been fighting in the first place, Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji’s heads snapped towards the direction of Wei Wuxian’s finger in an instant, fists tightening in unison.
And as soon as they realized that Wei Wuxian was in fact lying, the other had already sprinted off, cries of “Xichen-ge! I don’t know if you can hear me, but save me a cup! I beg you! Save me one!!” echoing throughout Cloud Recesses in his wake.
It was silent between the pair for a few moments until-
“Are you still trying to kill me?”
Jiang Cheng contemplated this for a few moments before sheathing his sword and depowering Zidian. He shook his head. “Maybe later. Are you hungry?”
Lan Wangji shrugged, and together the excessively dramatic pair made their way to the kitchens to unintentionally terrorize the staff.
“I hope there is soup.”
“You’re so boring, Lan Wangji-”
“And you don’t look as good in purple as you think you do.”
“... ”
“I have been meaning to tell you that, actually.”
“You prick! We were talking about food-!”
~~
“Hey, Xichen-ge. Who do you think would win?” Wei Wuxian asked as he took a heavenly sip from his mug. The earthy undertones...the aroma...this tea...it was perfect.
“Between our brothers?” Lan Xichen asked to confirm and at Wei Wuxian’s nod, he began to contemplate. “Hm. I’m not sure. They’re remarkably strong…”
“It’s like a fire vs. ice sort of thing…” Wei Wuxian hummed, pouring more hot water into his cup. This was his fifth cup.
“I’d ask the author for an opinion, but they’re currently hiding from me...With good reason.”
“...?”
“Either way,” Lan Xichen smiled lightly and took a sip of tea, “I think it’d end in a draw.”
~~