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When Levi was first sat down and asked to write his will, he rolled his eyes. Maybe the officer didn’t know who he was, impossible as that might be. There were few that didn’t know the story of the man Commander Erwin rescued from the underground and forced into a better life full of different near-death experiences. Humanity’s strongest soldier. A ray of hope. Or at least, that’s how they tell the story. How pathetic.
He looked to the man, his perfect posture and broad shoulders telling Levi that the stranger was likely raised in an inner wall, or at least somewhere affluent enough to feed him and instill that god-awful sense of superiority in him. Although, that wasn’t that difficult when Levi compared others to himself, his growth stunted from malnutrition and his muscles formed from necessity. He sighed, crossing his arms and leaning back in the uncomfortable wooden chair.
“I’ll say it again, dumbass. I have no family. This shit is pointless,” He insisted.
The man didn’t move, although Levi could see his patience wearing thin. “Every soldier that goes beyond the walls is required to have one,” he repeated carefully. “I don’t care who you write it to. I just need words on that piece of paper. And then both of us can get on with our lives.”
The policy was pointless. Enacted after some tired old imperial bastard got fed up receiving a only finger instead of the full body of his son. Nobody even knew if the body part was the kid’s. It’s too hard to keep track of out there. And it was ironic to Levi, too, that the ass was mad despite actually getting back some remains. Thus, wills were now required. A finger and your child’s last words. As if that made the loss any more bearable. He couldn’t imagine what would’ve happened if all of the people who received nothing when their loved ones were swallowed had that kind of influence.
Levi sighed, tilting his head as he thought, his foot planted on the edge of his seat. Isabel and Furlan were the first people that came to mind, as they often did. Even though they were gone, the wound was still fresh. He tensed as the scene played out in his head. His first major display of his strength. And his first major failure. They would have been the only people in this godforsaken place that Levi would have considered worthy of something like this. Better off for it. Something that would have offered them solace and comfort when his time was finally up. There was nobody that would need that now.
Unless…
Maybe his idea was reckless. He thought it would be more of a cruel joke. His words weren’t entirely untrue as he scribbled them down, his handwriting messy across the dead center of the page. He gave the ink a moment to dry, scoffing at his own inability to understand and format formal documents before folding the paper and placing it inside the envelope he was provided. On the front of the envelope, he carefully wrote the name of the beneficiary.
“Commander Erwin Smith.”
His letters were still uneven, but it was the best he could do. He slid his completed will across the table and pushed himself out of his chair.
“There. Finished. Waste of fucking time,” He muttered as he walked away, not waiting to see the inevitable look of shock on the officer’s face when he read who Levi had addressed the supposedly important document to.
The man started droning on about formalities again, about how the process would work after Levi’s untimely demise. He just tuned it out, though, and left. All that fucking time for two words on a page.
“Thank you.”
~~~~
Levi didn’t regret his promotion. He got along surprisingly well with the other captains, although much of that was thanks to Erwin. That bastard commander twisted Levi’s story. People here didn’t look at him in disgust the way so many others did. They weren’t intimidated by him or scared of him. The fucking respected him. What a cruel joke. Like he was worth of any of that, just by being a little faster and a little more calculated than the men beneath him. Just by surviving. They had to be idiots to think that made him deserving of any praise. If anything, it made all of those deaths his fault. His last recruits, his own squad. Isabel. Furlan. All his fault when it really came down to it. He wouldn’t let himself see past that, and he wouldn’t let anyone catch on, either. He carried his grief close and his emotions closer as that bastard commander paraded him around.
Symbol of hope my ass.
Of course, Erwin was always able to convince nobles better than he could Levi. As some part of him was becoming grateful for this second chance at life (that was what it was, after all. No matter how much Levi hated to admit it), he was starting to accept that he wouldn’t have been able to kill Erwin. Not with the look in the man’s eyes. Erwin’s hand was still scarred, and Levi always made it a point to look for it each time the commander opened his palm. A reminder of what his self-loathing pushed him to do. He’d never admit it out loud, though. For some reason, he felt as though Erwin understood already. He could always read Levi, see right through him in a way that he didn’t understand. It was the reason he enlisted in the Survey Corps, the reason he was willing to follow Erwin’s every command. He wanted to see what Erwin saw.
He got his first glimpse during a restless night.
Every time Levi closed his eyes, he saw blood and teeth. Piles of body parts. He heard their screams. So, he gave up. It wasn’t as if he was used to getting large amounts of sleep anyway. He slid out of bed and put on the extra layers of his uniform over the light cotton clothes he slept in. The nights were cold here, and when he was tormented by his past, he would sometimes end up outside. Usually he would just let his feet carry him.
He lit his lantern and headed off, walking slowly down the barracks’ hall as to not disturb anyone’s sleep. He wanted his recruits to get as much as they could while it was still possible for them. There was only a single door where light escaped into the hall. The entrance to Commander Erwin’s study. Levi wouldn’t have stopped if it weren’t for the door being ajar. He had to at least get rid of the nagging feeling that something had happened to their leader.
The tall blond sat at the desk in the center of the room, an open bottle of alcohol beside him as he stared intensely at a stack of paper.
Levi knocked on the doorframe. “Oi, you alive in there?”
Erwin’s head shot up. “Levi? What are you doing awake at this hour?”
“I could ask you the same thing,” Levi snickered, “Drinking alone, too.”
“Hm?” Erwin looks to the bottle beside him. He picks it up, eyeing the contents. “It looks as though I have enough to share. Care to join me?”
Levi hesitated. Either the alcohol would help him forget or would force his mind to linger on what he sought to avoid. Only one way to find out.
“Fuck it,” he chuckled, heading inside. He made sure to shut the door fully behind him. Erwin filled the empty glass beside him and held it out to Levi as he approached. Levi grabbed it by its rim and took a slow sip, the amber liquid burning on its way down. Perfect. “You can’t possibly still be working.”
“My job is never done, Levi,” Erwin smiled despite the sadness in his eyes at his words. He raised his own glass, “cheers,” and took a sip.
He’d drink to that. And he did. Should he have been pacing himself a bit more? Probably. Did he care? Not in the slightest. “At least you’re not the one training the anxious brats anymore. If I have to clean up vomit one more time… It’s damn hard enough to look them in the eyes to tell the idiots they’re easy targets and they’ll stay that way if they don’t get their shit together without that rancid smell getting in the way.”
“Levi, I know that my orders to you leave you shouldering an incredible burden. I never meant it to be that way,” Erwin starts, “But I don’t regret my decisions. You shouldn’t either. I’m aware of how that sounds, but I want to show you something.” Erwin slides over the small stack of papers. Each page contains nearly identical writing, but with minor details altered.
Levi frowns as he skims. “What are these?”
“Plans from our last expedition. Well, the drafts of the plans.” Erwin explains, taking a moment to sip his whiskey. “I’m reviewing them to ensure that there was no better option. I fear I may have miscalculated this time. We lost far more than I had anticipated.”
“You can’t—Fucking hell, you’re serious, aren’t you?” Levi stared at Erwin in disbelief, eyes wide. “Commander, what happened out there wasn’t because of you, it was—”
“It was the titans?” He smiled slightly, “Have you taken my words to heart finally, Captain?” Erwin let out a small chuckle, shaking his head. “You’re right, I can’t predict the moves of the titans. However, it is my job to prepare for every scenario, to understand what moves would yield the best results. In our world, we must make sacrifices to advance towards a better future for humanity. I do my best to minimize those sacrifices each time we leave the walls.”
In that moment, Levi understood. Whatever burden he held, Erwin carried double. He wanted to reach out, to comfort the other man somehow, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. His tortured mind still made him fearful of attachments.
“Erwin…” Levi started carefully, “You see them, too, don’t you?”
“Sleep is for the innocent,” The commander sighed, not responding directly. “I put them through hell. I order you to do the same. And for that, Levi, I’m sorry.”
Levi knew that Erwin had no other choice. He downed the rest of his drink and slammed his empty glass down on the desk. “Come on,” He insisted, “You need rest.”
“Levi—”
“I know. I know you won’t be able to sleep. But you need to stop looking at those damn papers.” In that moment, he wasn’t sure what exactly possessed him to act this way towards his commander; a man that he had grown to admire, despite the odds. Maybe he was more of a light weight than he remembered. “I walk when I can’t sleep. Come with me.”
And out of some miracle, Erwin did as Levi told him. He tucked his strategies away into a desk drawer then following Levi’s lead in finishing his drink before standing. He nodded at Levi and followed him out.
The next sleepless night, it was Erwin that came to find Levi. The raven-haired man heard a faint knock on his door- a sound he was sure wouldn’t have woken him if he had been able to sleep. He slipped out of bed and cracked open the door, holding a hand to his eyes when the lantern light shined into the darkness.
“…Commander? Is something wrong?”
“Did I wake you?”
“No.”
“Walk with me.”
It became a little routine of theirs. Whenever the trauma they shared haunted their nights, they walked, drank, shared stories. Levi was surprised at how genuine Erwin’s curiosity was. Whenever Levi mentioned something of his past life, of the underground, he never faced judgement. Just genuine interest and solidarity from his ridiculous companion who did his best to empathize and relate to his struggles.
One night, for the first time since their deaths, Erwin asked to learn more about Isabel and Farlan. Levi was caught off guard to say the least. He had been purposely leaving their lives out of his tales to spare himself from the pain and he hadn’t thought that Erwin noticed. When he asked why, Erwin explained that he couldn’t know the stories of so many that died under his command. He said that he tried his best to remember their names, but he couldn’t. Not always. There were too many. But Isabel and Farlan lived through Levi’s memories of them, so he wanted to atone for their deaths, to remember them as well.
That night, a major crack split the wall that Levi had built to protect himself. The chill of the air stung his eyes as he recounted the details of his numbered days with his friends. He told Erwin of Farlan’s selfless nature first. Of how he chose the other man to help him lead their operation, and how he watched him give extra pay to those in the most need. Those with pressing issues. He was sure that if they had different childhoods, he wouldn’t have met Farlan committing robberies as a teen. He would have been helping people in some way. Hell, if Farlan had lived past his twenties, he would have been making a difference up here. Isabel would have, too.
He took the time to explain to Erwin why Isabel called him her older brother, though he doubted the commander had ever heard the words fall from her lips in the short time that they had known each other. Isabel was childish in all of the best ways—in the only way that someone could be with the upbringing they had. She was endlessly hopeful, determined, curious. He told Erwin about how they met thanks to that stupid fucking bird. How he babied her to protect her because she wasn’t ready for the 3D maneuver gear yet. Too reckless. And, after he and Farlan took the time to teach her, how happy she was to fly over the underground with them.
When Erwin touched his arm, he became aware of the moisture at his eyes. He hadn’t been touched so gently in a long time. He hadn’t allowed himself to be. It took all of his strength to not lean into it.
“I’m honored to have fought alongside such wonderful people,” the blond said after a moment of silence, his voice soft and his words sincere despite his knowledge that Levi and his friends had wanted to end his life for their freedom.
Levi looked up at Erwin, surprised by his words. It was the first time he looked at the other since he began talking about his past. Something took over him in that moment, something that he couldn’t explain. The look in Erwin’s eyes was too much. In one fluid motion, Levi grabbed taller man’s collar and yanked him down, slamming their lips together in a kiss. It was desperate and uncoordinated, but Erwin didn’t try to stop him or pull away. Eventually, Levi loosened his grip and slipped back. Erwin was cupping Levi’s jaw in his hands.
“You’re cold,” He observed, “Shall we go inside?”
Levi nodded his agreement, his heart pounding in his chest. And so they did, Erwin’s hand resting between Levi’s shoulder blades. Calming him. Guiding him through the dimly lit hall straight to Erwin’s private sleeping quarters. Levi didn’t hesitate for even a second before heading inside. He was exhausted from the vulnerability he had shown his commander, although he would have no regrets. He trusted the man with his life, the least he could do was trust the man with his story. With his family.
“Can I get you anything?” The gentle voice pulled Levi from his thoughts. Erwin struck a match, the flame illuminating the creases in his face as he lit a candle.
Levi rolled his eyes at the formality. He didn’t understand how Erwin could be so proper while also being so genuine. Above all, he didn’t understand how his hostility hadn’t revoked his right, no, his privilege of seeing this side of Erwin long ago. “Stalling? Are you getting cold feet already?” he joked.
“Of course not.” Erwin smiled, turning to face Levi. “Although, I hope you realize that I expect nothing from you. I simply hope to enjoy your company tonight.”
“You have my company every night, Erwin,” Levi informed him pointedly. “I may be younger that you, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Hell, I was born in a fucking brothel.”
“I promise you, Levi, I have no expectations other than your company,” Erwin assured, as he shrugged off his jacket and slipped out of his shoes. “Please, make yourself at home.”
Home. The word echoed in Levi’s mind. “Fine, then.” Levi did as he was told, shedding the extra layers of his uniform, and neatly folding them into a pile. He felt Erwin’s eyes on him, amused.
The blond moved to his bed, laying down with plenty of room left beside him. He held out a hand. “Care to join me?”
Levi’s gaze shifted between Erwin’s smile and his hand. After a moment of thought, he took his hand and climbed in beside him. Erwin pulled the thin blanket over them both and pulled Levi to his chest with a smile.
“Perfect,” he murmured, rubbing Levi’s side in attempt to ease his tense muscles.
Levi was shocked to find that he was able to relax like this. With his head pressed against Erwin’s chest, he began to feel the weight of his eyelids begging for sleep. “Damn it,” he sighed, “If I wake up screaming, well, you’ll get it…”
Erwin nodded, leaning away for a moment to blow out the candle. Levi couldn’t contain the small whine that escaped his lips as he was jostled. Erwin laughed softly, returning quickly to wrap Levi in his arms once again.
“I’m right here,” he promised. “I’ll be here if you wake, and I’ll be here in the morning.”
Levi nodded ever so slightly, letting himself drift off. That was the first night he slept with the commander.
The next time he opened his eyes, he was shocked to find sunlight streaming into the small room through its single window. No nightmares.
~~~~
When that boy first turned into a Titan, Levi was barely able to sleep. Not out of anxiety or despair, no. It was his commander. Erwin was like a child that was just gifted a new toy. He couldn’t contain his excitement. And with Levi, he was free to express himself. He didn’t have to be the stoic, calculated man he always was.
“I don’t understand you, blondie,” Levi chuckled, setting down his tea directly on top of the paperwork in front of Erwin. Part of him hoped to get a reaction out of the other man, but he mostly just wanted Erwin’s attention. He leaned closer to the commander from where he sat on the edge of his desk, smiling softly. “You’re a sadistic bastard.”
Erwin laughed, shaking his head. Levi loved that laugh. There weren’t enough opportunities to hear it, and he knew how tortured Erwin’s mind could be. He gave Levi’s thigh a gentle squeeze and pushed out his chair so that he could fully face the captain. “You don’t understand, you’re right,” the happiness began to fade from Erwin’s face, “because I haven’t told you about my father yet.”
“Your father?” Levi frowned, wracking his brain. In the years that he had known the man, Erwin had never been greeted by anyone other than soldiers, had never sent letters home. He remembered Erwin mentioned to him that his parents had died when he was young. Was there something else? “I didn’t know you had a father.”
“How else would I be sitting beside you right now?” Erwin joked half-heartedly, “My father was a teacher. When I was a child, he would tell me stories from our history books. He was my teacher for a short time as well.” He sounded perfectly normal. Respectable, even.
“Oi, so you have been hiding me from your parents. I knew you didn’t believe that ‘humanity’s greatest hope’ bullshit. What’s more embarrassing? Fucking a man, or fucking the underground street rat?” Levi teased, trying to pull the man’s smile back.
Erwin shook his head, standing and turning to face the window behind them. Levi wondered if he had really struck a chord there, although he knew that Erwin had no regrets about their situation. “He’s dead. Killed by the Military Police. I got him killed.”
“Fuck, Erwin…”
“I hadn’t meant to, of course. I was a child and I cared for my father greatly. He had found inconsistencies in our histories. Contradictions in the books our government issued and approved. I talked when I shouldn’t have, and they took him,” Erwin explained carefully, voice even. “There are secrets behind these walls. And past them. Secrets about humanity. The titans. And that Yeager boy is the first time—he’s proved my father’s theory, Levi. Not entirely, of course. But there’s more to this world than we’re being told and that boy—That boy is the key.”
Levi listened carefully. He didn’t know what to say, not at first. Instead, he hopped off of Erwin’s desk and reached for the taller man’s hand. “I’m babysitting the brat, aren’t I?”
Erwin turned to him, some of the light back in his eyes. He placed a hand on Levi’s cheek and leaned in to kiss him softly. “You’re the only one I can trust to do so.” He murmured against the captain’s lips.
Levi would be lying if that didn’t make him feel warm. “I’m doing it my way,” he insisted, but never questioned his orders. That’s what they were, even if Erwin spoke to him informally like this. Levi turned his head, pressing his lips to the scar across Erwin’s palm. “I’m fucking exhausted because of you, and I’m going to have to convince those bureaucratic shit heads to not execute the titan kid tomorrow. Let’s sleep.” He pulled back, giving Erwin a tug towards the door. Erwin’s sleeping quarters were just down the hall. “I want to hear more about your old man.”
So, Erwin told him stories of his childhood as they walked. Levi no longer cared about raising suspicions if he spent the night with him. Nobody badmouthed their commander here. There was nothing but respect for the impressive man. He held the door open for Erwin and watched as the blond entered his quarters ahead of Levi. He moved freely; the near constant tension that he held removed from his body in that moment. Levi happily shut the door behind him and began to undress, still listening closely and watching Erwin with admiration in his eyes.
He wasn’t sure when he finally fell asleep, but the heaviness of his eyelids when the horns blared the next morning told him that it had been far too late. As he left Erwin’s room, his shirt only half buttoned out of laziness (he was going to have to change anyway, after all. He wasn’t going to wear this dirty shit around all day) and his belts in his hands, he ran into Hange in the hall. He ignored the knowing look on her face, and she didn’t press. Hange was a good companion to have.
“He’s awake. Better have that kid ready for transport soon,” Levi supplied, walking right by her.
Later that day, he watched Erwin’s face in the crowd as he kicked the shit out of Eren Yeager. He was doing this his way, just like he had said he would. And his commander didn’t flinch. Levi knew that he understood. He probably saw the Military Police ready their guns the way Levi had.
~~~~
It was nearly impossible for Levi to remain stoic in the face of Petra’s grieving father, but out of some miracle, he managed. He had done it countless times before under Erwin’s advice. The commander explained that they needed an outlet for their emotions. Their anger. That no matter what someone said in that moment, there would be no solace because how could there be when their loved one was gone? Levi easily understood. He himself had been in that place before many times. That desperation is what led him to join the Survey Corp once and for all. But today? Damn today. Today broke him, but he couldn’t show it.
Eventually that man took his shouting elsewhere. Levi couldn’t stand to look at his tear stained face any longer. He kept his stare straight ahead as he followed Erwin on horseback through the crowded street. He tried to tune everything out, inhaling deeply as his mind settled on the images of his fallen comrades. Even if he shut his eyes, he was unable to escape. He sighed in defeat.
This was going to be a long day.
After they made it back to headquarters, Levi settled at his desk with a cup of black tea. Usually the warm liquid would be calming, but he had barely touched it. Instead, his attention was focused on the blank papers in front of him, a shaking hand clutching his pen in a white-knuckled grip. He had to write his reports, he had to request reassignments to rebuild his squad. But each time he made the move to solidify his thoughts in ink, his anxiety left his words even more illegible than they usually were. Scratches on the page.
A knock at the door caused him to jump. His hand shot back, colliding with his teacup and sending it tumbling to the ground.
“Fuck!” Levi shouted, dropping the pen as the glass shattered. He pushed out of his chair, immediately moving to pick up the shards of his teacup. There were too many to fit in his hands, and the liquid of his drink kept spreading. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!”
“Let me take those,” Again, Levi was yanked out of the depths of his mind unexpectedly. Again, he made a mess, dropping the glass once again as his whole body snapped upwards at the sound.
“I apologize, I don’t mean to intrude,” Erwin’s voice was calm, but his piercing blue eyes were filled with concern. Levi wondered briefly about what he looked like. Probably like a rabid animal. Or one that had been injured and was now cornered.
Levi let out a shaking breath, his eyes still wide as he stared at Erwin. The man knelt in front of him, taking a handkerchief out of his pocket. Without another word, Erwin reached for Levi’s hand, gently wrapping the cotton cloth around his fingers. Levi watched with confusion as cloth began to stain red. Had he cut himself?
“E-Erwin, I, Erwin I didn’t mean, you didn’t, Erwin—”
“I heard your shouting,” He calmly explained. “I wanted to check on you. You didn’t eat dinner tonight, so I brought you some and then I heard your shouting. I apologize for startling you.” Erwin held Levi’s fingers tightly in one hand, applying pressure to the cut as he began to pile up the glass shards with the other. “It wasn’t my intention.”
Levi swallowed thickly, finding himself unable to help and unable to speak. He didn’t know what to make of this situation. Maybe that was the part of him that was used to suffering through this alone, despite his budding relationship with the commander. Erwin had enough weight on his shoulders. Levi tried not to burden him and on top of Levi’s difficulty communicating in general, it was difficult to tell Erwin the specifics of what was on his mind when he was hurt like this. It was something he rarely did, but Erwin was also able to tell when something was eating away at him without a verbal confirmation. They had somewhat of a mutual understanding when these things happened. Most of the time, it was related to their expeditions. Today, it was glaringly obvious.
“Come on,” Once the glass was out of the way Erwin stood slowly, carefully pulling Levi to his feet as well. He placed a hand on Levi’s cheek, tilting the shorter man’s head so that he could meet his eyes.
They stared at each other in silence, communicating everything they needed the way that only two people that shared a deep connection could. Levi showed Erwin his pain and suffering. The normal light in his eyes was dull. His skin was pale. He wouldn’t cry. He couldn’t, and that was something that both men knew. Nevertheless, Erwin looked at him with an intensity that Levi wouldn’t dare move to escape. It was an intensity that grounded him, that brought him back to his senses and leveled his breathing. It was an intensity that told Levi that there was nothing to worry about from this point forward because he would be taken care of. Everything would be alright.
Levi wasn’t sure of how long they stood like that. Eventually, he began to feel the dull sting of pain from the cut he gave himself. Slowly, his heart settled back into its normal rhythm, his breath steadying. And then he was exhausted.
Levi pushed closer to Erwin, letting himself be held with a sigh. He tucked his head against the larger man’s chest and Erwin placed his lips in Levi’s raven hair.
“Thank you…” Levi’s voice was barely louder than a whisper. He felt Erwin smile in response.
“I’m afraid the food I brought you is cold now,” Erwin rubbed small circles against the small of Levi’s back as he spoke, not bringing any unnecessary attention to Levi’s words. He knew that Levi wouldn’t appreciate an acknowledgement of his vulnerability. “Let’s get you fed, shall we? Would you like another cup of tea? I’ll make it for you myself.”
“I need to finish my report,” He muttered dryly, his mind lingering on how cold his first cup had gotten before he spilled it. He had barely touched it. He didn’t think he would be able to stomach a full meal.
Erwin glanced at the contents of Levi’s desk, no doubt noticing how little work the captain had been able to complete in his time alone. “Well that’s no reason to go hungry,” he reasoned, “So allow me to prepare you a meal, and then we can finish our reports together.”
Levi frowned, pulling back to look up at Erwin. “You didn’t finish yours?”
“No,” He shook his head. “The paperwork is endless after an event like this,” he reasoned, “And I had been worrying about you. I’m always worried when you lock yourself away like this, Levi.”
Levi fought against the warmth in his cheeks at Erwin’s words. He cleared his throat, taking Erwin’s hand. “Fine, blondie. You win. But I’m not that hungry, so when I don’t finish your food, I don’t want to hear any bullshit.”
Erwin squeezed his hand, the corner of his lips turning up in a smile at the return of Levi’s harsh words. “I think we’ve reached an agreement, then.” Erwin grabbed Levi’s papers, tucking them into his jacket, then tugged him towards the door. He only hesitated for a moment before proceeding down the hall holding Levi’s hand. The shorter man followed slightly behind him, watching the back of Erwin’s head in surprise at the public display. Maybe he hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. There didn’t seem to be many others around, and those that Levi did see looked preoccupied. Many were settling in for bed, but Levi knew that for him at least it was going to be another sleepless night.
When they arrived at the dining hall, Erwin made a show of cleaning and setting the table where he wanted Levi to sit. Even if Levi wasn’t feeling entirely up to enforcing his own standards, Erwin’s display gave him a warm feeling. He even chuckled a bit, crossing his arms in amusement. When the commander finished, Levi swept his fingers over the surface just like he did with the recruits to check their work. Spotless.
“Well done,” He sat down, crossing his legs as he watched Erwin move once again.
“It’s the least that I can do, Captain,” Erwin smiled, rummaging through the cupboard. He returned to the table with a typical ration: some bread and dried meat. Levi knew it was bad enough that more resources were being wasted on him, so he didn’t complain that the food wasn’t fresh as Erwin set it down in the plate in front of Levi. “And just for you,” Erwin smiled, pulling a small tin out of his jacket. Levi recognized it immediately.
“I thought we drank the last of it,” He stared at the expensive tea, his eyes slightly wide. “You’re telling me I’ve been drinking the shit water that those brats make for nothing?”
“Well, actually, yes. I suppose you have,” Erwin chuckled, “I managed to purchase some more prior to my return from Wall Sina the last time I went. I was planning on surprising you with it.”
“Unbelievable,” Levi snorted. “Well, hurry up. Surprise is over. Make me some.”
“Right away.”
Levi began to eat slowly, watching Erwin prepare his tea. He still didn’t feel hunger, but he was sure that his body needed the fuel. He needed the energy to heal after today’s battles. He sighed, looking down at his plate. “I’m requesting a transfer of the 104th trainees to make up my new squad.”
Erwin hummed. “I trust you. Whatever you believe is fit.”
“Including the titan boy.”
“I assumed as much.”
“I won’t lose them all again.”
~~~~
Levi waited in a chair by the window for Erwin to wake after he had lost his arm. The air by the glass was cold, but it at least provided Levi with a sensation other than his anxious heart pounding. He saw firsthand the extent of Erwin’s blood loss, and how the man continued to push himself and lead despite it all. When they were finally safe, he collapsed nearly immediately. Levi never left his side.
He looked outside over the city. The sky was dark, and raindrops pattered softly against the roof. It was oddly soothing to him.
“L… Levi...?” Erwin’s voice was hoarse, but immediately recognizable. Levi jumped up and rushed to the side of the bed where the commander now lay awake.
“Erwin,” He smiled, relieved. “Sure took you long enough to wake up. You pulled some fucking stupid stunts out there.” Without hesitation, Levi planted a kiss to Erwin’s lips. “I don’t know why I’m still surprised when you do shit like that.”
Erwin sighed, cupping Levi’s face in his hand. Levi noticed the stump of his right arm move as if Erwin had tried to move both arms. “I’m alright,” he promised, knowing that Levi’s words were his way of expressing concern. “Thank you for staying here.”
“Well someone had to watch your sorry ass,” Levi smiled, pulling back a bit to rub a hand over Erwin’s jaw. It was covered in stubble. “You need to shave. Hairy man.”
Erwin was quiet for a moment, contemplative. “I’m not sure I can right now. I’m not very good at using my left hand.”
“I can do it for you,” Levi offered. He couldn’t imagine what Erwin must have been thinking as he stared into Levi’s eyes, considering the smaller man’s help. He was carefully deciding what bits of independence he would be willing to give up while injured. “But,” Levi continued after a moment, not wanting to pressure Erwin, “Hange is excited to talk to you. I need to have someone summon her. There’s news.”
“Can it wait?” Erwin grabbed Levi’s wrist when he tried to get up. “You look exhausted, Levi. Have you been caring for yourself?”
Levi rolled his eyes. “This is news that you’ll find interesting,” He promised, ignoring Erwin’s question. The commander already knew the answer, anyway: barely. “She’s worried about you, too, Erwin. You were nearly eaten for fuck’s sake.”
“Good people are eaten every day in our line of work—”
“No.” Levi frowned. “If you weren’t recovering, I’d slap you for that. Don’t liken yourself to them.” He shifted, lying beside Erwin. “Are you suicidal now? Hm? What about me? What about your father’s dream?”
“Levi, I’m not—”
“If it’s your arm, you’re an idiot if you don’t think I’m going to help you.”
“Levi,” Erwin’s voice was firm, his eyes serious. “I’m not going anywhere any time soon.” He promised. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that…” It was survivor’s guilt, Levi realized then. And it made sense for it to appear now more than ever. It’s incredibly rare for someone to escape from within a titan’s mouth and survive.
“I wish you would put some of that weight on me,” Levi sighed, taking Erwin’s hand as he rolled onto his back. “I know what you’re thinking.”
“How could I if you already share my feelings? You already share the burden.” As always, they saw right through each other.
When Hange inevitably arrived, she was more surprised to find Erwin awake than Levi in his bed. He watched Erwin’s expression as Hange explained her newest theory: that titans were actually human. Their commander’s face filled with that childlike wonder and curiosity yet again and Levi couldn’t be more thrilled. They talked for hours, Erwin drawing connections between his father’s suspicions and Hange making her batshit inferences that for once made absolute perfect sense. Levi didn’t know how to feel about it all; the brainwashing made him especially uneasy. He wondered how long the world had been like this. For the first time in a long time, as he walked willingly into conspiracy to overthrow the government, he wondered how different his life might have been if Erwin had never won their fight in the underground, if he would have gotten out some other way. But it didn’t matter, Levi decided. Because this is exactly where he belonged.
They took turns watching over Erwin over the next few days, Levi and Hange. They knew that the walls were thin and there weren’t a lot of people that they could trust with their discoveries. Levi was grateful in a way. Even while he couldn’t necessarily touch his lover in the ways that he’d like to, Levi enjoyed their strange slice of domestic bliss that they got to experience due to Erwin’s injuries. It made his mind wander to places that it shouldn’t have.
Just as he finished shaving Erwin’s face, Levi heard a knock at the door.
“Must be Hange,” He reasoned, gently wiping the excess shaving cream off of Erwin’s cheeks with a damp towel. He folded it when he finished, laying it beside the straight razor that he had used before sliding off Erwin’s lap to open the door.
Levi frowned. While he wasn’t expecting anyone at this hour, it wasn’t entirely out of the blue for Hange to pay the two men a visit. However, when Levi found himself face to face with someone in uniform, he immediately put of his guard. “Can I help you?” He inquired, making sure to stand in a way that blocked the man’s path into the room.
“Levi, it’s okay,” Erwin called to him. “I asked Hange to send him.”
“Oi, forgotten how to communicate, have you? Did you get a head injury that I don’t know about?” Levi grumbled, letting the man inside.
“I’m sorry for any inconvenience, Commander,” He emphasized Erwin’s title, eyeing Levi for his casual disrespect towards his superior. “I’ve brought your old paperwork in case you’d like to reference it or make any adjustments,” The man explained, setting down the stack of documents that he brought with him on the bedside table that Erwin had repurposed for business needs during his stay at the infirmary.
“Thank you, but that won’t be necessary,” Erwin smiled. “I’d like to add an additional letter, if that’s alright.”
“Of course, sir.”
“What the hell is going on here?” Levi finally spoke up, his arms crossed.
“Hm?” Erwin looked up at him. “I’m amending my will. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Levi, but—”
“You suicidal bastard!”
“—I knew you wouldn’t like it,” Erwin chuckled in defeat. “I’ve formed new connections and learned more information of importance since I first wrote it long ago. Seeing my current… Predicament—” Levi opened his mouth in protest “–No, Levi, I don’t want to die. It’s just more likely to happen if I only have one arm, and I may be strong, but I’m only human.”
Levi couldn’t deny him that. He sighed, going to sit across the room. “Fine. Write your stupid little note.” He watched as their guest assisted Erwin in setting up his pen and paper, but the commander insisted he write by himself. Levi hated to watch his struggle, but he wouldn’t push. Not only did he see little point in those stupid letters, he though Erwin was an idiot for thinking he was going to die any time soon. The stubborn man should have known that Levi would easily give his own life to protect him. He watched as Erwin tucked his letter into an envelope and carefully addressed it. The soldier lit a candle, dripping wax onto the paper to seal it.
“Thank you,” Erwin smiled, and the man nodded. He collected his belongings and left.
“What a buzzkill,” Levi sighed, making his way back over while trying to push his thoughts of Erwin’s death out of his mind. “Anymore interruptions that I don’t know about tonight?”
“No,” Erwin chuckled his response, reaching out to Levi. “Come here. It’s just us all night,” he promised.
“Fucking finally,” Levi smiled, sliding into bed, his lips finding Erwin’s effortlessly.
~~~~
Levi knelt down in front of the crate that Erwin sat upon, staring at his dirty boots. He tried to tune out the screams of the soldiers around him and the sounds of boulders crashing into buildings. The destruction was too much. It was hopeless. He tried to convince himself he heard wrong when Erwin explained his plan. His sacrifice. Levi felt as though he had been stabbed in the chest.
But he knew how much Erwin had been suffering, and for how long. He knew that one way or another, all of their comrades would die today. And he trusted that Erwin calculated correctly. That charging at that beast head on would give Levi the opportunity to deliver the final blow. Levi would be able to do that. He swore that he would steal its last breath the way that that devil would steal Erwin’s.
All he could do was support the man in front of him. The man that he had devoted his mind, body, and soul to. His heart. And when Erwin stopped talking, when Levi took a moment to process his words, he looked up to meet the commander’s shining blue eyes. There was no fear in those eyes. Just gratitude.
Levi wasn’t in control of his body when he surged forward, wrapping his arms tightly around Erwin’s neck and sealing their lips in a kiss. All of the words he never said, all of the plans they made, their hidden affections and stolen glances, every memory of their time together, Levi poured into that kiss. The kiss that Levi was certain would be their last. Erwin pulled Levi onto his lap, his arms winding tightly around Levi’s waist, their chests pressing together.
That moment would never be long enough for Levi’s liking.
He stood beside Erwin as he addressed the soldiers. He watched from afar as he climbed onto his horse. And, as he moved into his position, he stole one final glance at the man who was his everything as he screamed to the soldiers to dedicate their hearts and began the charge.
Levi would keep his promise.
~~~~
Eren’s expression, his shouting, the fight in the boy that surfaced when Levi announced that he would abandon his original plan and use the titan serum on Erwin reminded him of his confrontation with the commander all those years ago after Isabel and Furlan were devoured in front of him. After all this time, he could still see himself reflected in that fucking brat at the worst times. It wasn’t even a choice Levi had to contemplate. Once Floch brought Erwin’s body to him, he knew immediately what had to be done, but that Yeager kid. That fucking brat kept getting in his way. Eventually, he screamed for everyone to leave. It was his decision. He was the one entrusted with the vial. It was a direct order from their commander himself, and he would do every damn thing he could to be able to make this decision.
Hange and Floch helped clear the roof of those fucking kids and then finally, finally Levi was able to focus. He quickly dropped to his knees at Erwin’s side. The commander’s breathing was incredibly shallow, each exhale a gurgle of blood. Levi was already aware of how much of a miracle it was that Erwin had been alive this long with the injuries to his abdomen and his internal organs. It made one thing incredibly clear: He was running out of time.
Levi wanted to speak, to tell him not to worry, that he’d be able to chew his ass out later for letting that monkey bastard get away, but he couldn’t. It took all of his resolve to stop the shaking in his hands as he prepared the injection that would be able to pull his lover back from the brink of death. He grabbed Erwin’s wrist firmly, turning his arm so that he could have a clear view of his veins.
Levi nearly dropped the syringe when Erwin pulled his arm away.
His earlier words echoed in his mind.
Give up on your dreams and die.
No.
“Erwin, stop this. You’re our only goddamn hope,” His voice was shaking more than his hand when he reached once again for Erwin’s hand. The blond was his only hope.
He made the mistake of glancing at the dying man’s face. They locked eyes, and although Erwin was too weak to speak, he told Levi everything the smaller man needed to know. In this unforgiving world, none of the soldiers of the Survey Corp had any control over their lives, of whether they would live or die. Erwin had an opportunity unlike any other. And he was taking it to end his suffering. Levi couldn’t deny him that. Not after everything he knew the man had been through. Not after what they had been through together.
“I… I’ll be r-right back…” He murmured, knowing it was only a matter of moments before Armin’s charred body would become his corpse. He wasn’t going to let Erwin die alone.
Levi worked quickly, injecting Armin with little care and tossing Bertold’s screaming torso towards the newly transformed titan. He didn’t flinch, didn’t move a muscle as blood filled the air, spraying his clothes. He looked long enough to make sure that their plan had worked, that Armin became human again and began his gruesome healing process, then he returned to Erwin’s side without a second glance. His mind tuned out the cries of the other kids as they rushed to pull their friend out of his new titan body.
He sunk down to the surface of the roof, laying so that his cheek was in Erwin’s hand like the man always liked it to be. Gently, Levi turned Erwin’s jaw so that he could look into his eyes. “I’m going to have to go wipe the brat’s snot after this,” he murmured, forcing a small smile. “I don’t know what’s going to be worse. That, or him trying to kill me.”
Erwin coughed out a weak laugh, his eyes shimmering with gratitude. He opened his mouth in attempt to speak, blood trickling down his cheek.
“Oi,” Levi cut him off, “No grand gestures from you. It’s time for sleep, you hear me? No more keeping me up all night with your batshit selfless schemes. This is goodnight, you understand me, Erwin? I’ll see you again. I’ve already followed you into hell. I’ll do it again.” There was shouting somewhere—was it Hange? He didn’t care enough to focus on the voice or the words it carried.
Levi slid his hand to Erwin’s neck and used it to pull himself closer. Ignoring the burn from the cuts across his face, he pressed his forehead to Erwin’s and held the dying man tight. Erwin smiled the best he could in response to Levi’s actions.
“I…” Levi breathed, watching Erwin’s face as he shut his eyes. “I’ll be right behind you. I’ll cut down that bastard, and then I’ll be right there.” His voice was barely a whisper. And then Levi didn’t feel the air of his partner’s exhales.
And then the panic hit him.
Levi didn’t recognize the sounds of pure agony that escaped his lips. He cried, his whole body shaking with his screams as the realization that Erwin let go of his last breath consumed his mind and body. And suddenly, he couldn’t hold it anymore. All of his grief that had been internalized over the years and shoved aside while this big blond man waltzed into his life and became a pillar of hope, of freedom, came pouring out. Because the only thing keeping him together was gone. And he didn’t know what he was going to do.
He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, clutching Erwin’s body like his life depended on it. As if he would cease to exist the moment it left his arms. He didn’t know how long Hange had been standing behind him, either. When he felt her hand gently on his shoulder, he jumped.
“Levi…” Her voice was soft. She tried hiding her own grief. She couldn’t. “I- I’m so sorry…” Levi could tell there was something more that she wanted to say. He was sure that she had finally interrupted him because it was time to leave. Hange, his closest friend, would have given him all of the time she possibly could have, would have kept everyone busy and away for as long as possible.
Levi nodded, not caring for the first time in his life that there was someone there to see him press his lips to Erwin’s. He kissed his final goodbye, pushing the moisture of the blood between them out of his mind. Slowly, he moved, kneeling so that he could pick up Erwin’s body and bring it with them.
“Levi, no you don’t have to—” Hange started, her voice getting closer as if she were moving to stop him.
“No.” Levi responded simply, his eyes not leaving Erwin. Because he did have to do this. And despite his injuries, he knew that he could do this.
Using what was left of their gas, Levi and Hange returned to the street. They walked through the rubble, Hange behind Levi ever so slightly. He was grateful for the space she was giving him. Levi stared straight ahead. He ignored the looks he was getting, the concern in the eyes of his subordinates. At some point, Hange lingered behind so that he was alone when he reached the supply cart where he would have to leave Erwin’s body.
Armin approached him as he gently set Erwin’s body down, “Captain, I—”
“Enough.” Levi didn’t want to hear any of their sympathies. Nobody knew what had happened between them over the years. Nobody knew what had happened on that roof. And nobody ever would. “It wasn’t my decision.” He decided that was enough of an explanation as he removed his cape and tucked it over Erwin’s body, decorating him in the wings of freedom. He turned to face Armin, looking someone other than his love directly in the eyes for the first time since... He didn’t know what he looked like, but Armin had a very clear reaction. A mix of sorrow, pain, and understanding. The kid was trying to hold himself together for Levi’s sake. He couldn’t catch a fucking break.
“Captain,” He started again, determined. To do what? Levi had no idea.
“Armin,” He didn’t have the energy to bark at the kid again, but he gave it his best shot, “I am not in the fucking mood. I don’t know what you heard, or what Hange told you, or what you’re assuming like the shitty brat you are. But I am not in the fucking mood.”
Levi felt numb as they made their way out of the destroyed city. If it were up to him, he wouldn’t have moved for a long time, but he had a job to do so that is precisely what he did. He walked alongside Hange, leading the rest of the survivors into the confines of the walls. He, along with the other captains, took stock of the deaths. They treated injuries and washed away their own blood. They drowned in paperwork—the perfect distraction.
After the sun set, Hange walked into his office in her usual no-knocking fashion. He doubted that he would have heard the knocking anyway. He didn’t know that she was even there until he heard his name.
“What is it?” He didn’t look up.
“He made me commander,” It wasn’t a surprise to Levi. Erwin had told him not long ago that that was his plan. “And…” She stepped up to his desk and placed and envelope on top of the letter he was writing. Levi recognized it immediately. He dropped his pen and traced a finger across the name written across it- his name. Written messily by Erwin’s non-dominant hand. “He left this for you.” Erwin’s will.
Levi looked up at Hange, swallowing the lump in his throat. He didn’t have to tell her to fuck off so that he could read it, she had already begun walking away. Hange stopped at the door.
“Don’t stay up all night, alright? He wouldn’t want that.” And she was gone.
Little did she know of the amount of nights that Erwin kept him awake. There were nights where they talked in each other’s arms, times one of them couldn’t sleep from the nightmares, or when one of them couldn’t stop shaking, and the nights where they wouldn’t stop touching, kissing, making love- because that's what it was, even if Levi would never admit it out loud- before an expedition began. Erwin would have loved to have been there to keep Levi up all night.
But he knew what she meant. And Hange always meant well.
With a shaking hand, Levi turned the envelope and carefully lifted the wax seal.