Work Text:
[ My apologies, Your Excellency. I have to skip tonight's dinner again. The problem on site was actually more severe than expected. I probably won't be back to tokyo for a couple days. Don't worry, I already asked Shiina-shi to prepare for your 3 meals every day. You can ofcourse cook by yourself but please be careful. If possible make sure someone is by your side or around when you do. The script for tomorrow's work is on the attached file.
Then, please do enjoy your dinner and rest well ]
It's been days since that last mail. Nagisa stared at that set of dinner in front of him, the atmosphere of cold nights in the common room surely toned down his hunger a lot. They have been living in this dorm since a couple months ago, earlier than yumenosaki kids, around that time usually he always gets to sit lazily on the common room sofa to read books or watch random TV shows with the sound of Ibara's cooking and complaining about his staff in the background. Although there was also a time where Ibara came home very late, which Ibara would tell Nagisa to eat without him. But it wasn't as often as now.
Since the end of summer vacation, it's not just their dinner, Ibara basically almost never comes back to the dormitory. Nagisa heard from tsumugi that sometimes Ibara came back past midnight and because he felt bad when he ended up waking the kids who shared a room with him, sometimes Ibara would sleep on the sofa in the common room. As far as Nagisa knows, there weren't many people aware about that since Ibara always leaves the dorm early in the morning before half of the other idols even woke up.
'... He is drifting away… again'
Again, yes.. again. Ibara was never someone who stuck close to the other in the first place. no matter how many times Nagisa--no, anyone wanted to get closer, Ibara always pushed them away. At first Nagisa didn't understand why Ibara always refused them. It made Nagisa feel lonely and scared that somehow Ibara might take drastic change like eichi back then. Which was why Nagisa pulled him back hard, yanked him down to the ground even when he was aware that Ibara might hate him for that. But Nagisa didn't want Ibara to walk alone and get himself destroyed again after he destroyed his own home.
Nagisa wondered if Ibara rejected everyone because Ibara's heart was wounded. It's something that even Nagisa still does not fully understand but he was aware that both him and Ibara did not receive what other kids would call family love. As much as his father took care of him, it was always his father's intention to not let Nagisa be touched by the world's colour, and that includes what other people call as love. Nagisa thought that unlike him, Ibara spent his childhood in that cold environment, full of people who never show even bits of warmth to him that he grew up resenting that warmth itself. People might pity Nagisa for what happened in his childhood, but Nagisa lived in a warm house, served delicious food, and learned a lot about the path his father wanted him to be. Even if he was secluded in the white room, alone by himself, there was no one would dare to harm him. Nagisa was aware though that his father was the true terrible villain of every story, he was a criminal with all he did. But for Nagisa, those days he grew up with his father were at least better compared to what the military facility ground would offer. Nagisa can't even imagine what Ibara went through.. and knowing that left him empty. He realized there was too little of Ibara that he knew. He can't force Ibara to talk and he didn't want to do it either. He decided that he will wait until the day Ibara opens up for him.
At Least that's what he made himself believe that it was what he would do. But really, it's difficult. it was painful to see Ibara walking alone.
Because even now, Nagisa has yet to see that light from him.
"...."
Nagisa sighed. His eyes focused at the dinner that was served for him. The food cooked by Niki is definitely top tier but for Nagisa, Food tastes different when he eats alone. With Eden he learned that being with each other makes things in life become way more fun. Since both eve members were so busy tonight, Nagisa didn't want to bother them just to sit with him and eat. He closed the lid to his dinner. He concluded that his appetite just completely disappeared with how cold that night for him.
Stood up from his seat, Nagisa wrapped the blanket on himself tighter. almost making himself some sort of burrito with that. He decided to walk to the dormitory library and find some warmth there. Back when he came to the common room to check his dinner, he wanted to turn off the air conditioner in that room because it was too cold. but he couldn't find the remote so he decided to go back to his room and just dragged the blanket out. Somehow he didn't want to bother Yuuta or Kaoru who seems to passed out immediately as they came back from the shooting site.
.
Tonight's library is surprisingly empty. Usually Nagisa would end up finding eichi sleeping here, or wataru suddenly popping out from the bookshelves, or tsumugi passed out somewhere and many more. He was never been into a lot of libraries so this is the first time he is in an environment where there are a lot of people enjoying the library. That time in yumenosaki? There weren't many people around but him and Tsumugi, or occasionally Keito and Eichi. This dormitory library on the other hand brings so much joy for his new environment, at least it was good enough to always distract him from lonely thought, which is why he was a bit upset when he saw no one here. He expected he could find someone he could talk to. Just a company to maybe distract himself from all the possibilities that keep clouding his head.
'...maybe I should finish the last novel i put on hold for MDM preparation..' Nagisa just let himself fall on the lazy sofa which Tsumugi and Tsukasa bought from the internet last week. He almost got eaten by it thanks to how soft and cozy that sofa is. It's very comfortable and warm, Nagisa makes a mental note to thank Tsumugi and Tsukasa later.
"....."--yet, not even a page into the book, Nagisa sighed out loud. totally unlike him to wasting time doing nothing. Usually he would immediately pick up any book he has yet to read here and spend hours reading, talking to no one until someone reminds him to eat--mostly Ibara through calls. but tonight he somehow felt like the words wouldn't even process in his mind making him unable to concentrate on any book.
He flipped around and stared at the ceiling this time. Wondering what he should do since he didn't feel sleepy either.
'.... it's cold'
For some reason, even without a heater, when he got to spend his nights like this in the cold night of spring with Ibara, he didn't feel this cold. But lately, even if it's supposed to be summer, the night felt even more chill than when Ibara was around.
he closed his eyes, another sigh escaped from his lips. '.. it's like those nights again'
Those nights, the nights that Nagisa hates. a night like this always forced him to be drowned in the same haunting feeling. He hates feeling the loneliness in this cold night. It reminds him so much to those days he had to sit alone in the hidden room when his father disappeared. The days where he promised to be a good kid. To stay where he was supposed to and wait for his comeback. Because for the first time in his life he experienced betrayal and being lied to. He waited patiently even when his stomach was grumbling, asking him to find food to survive. He endured that pain, he decided to stay there to wait for him. Afraid if one second he left his chair, his father would consider him a bad kid and not come back.
But in the end he never came back.
Nagisa curled up on that sofa, wrapping the blanket closer as he hides under that "...what if he also never comes back" that small whisper escaped his lips. As if being thrown back to his younger self, Nagisa felt small. Maybe a closet is better than this place.
A silly thought- -of course if Ibara heard this, he would say that. After all Ibara really hates it when Nagisa keeps talking about how Ibara reminds him of his father. It started as a joke, knowing somehow Ibara hates to be compared to his father but as the time flows, after his graduation, Nagisa can only feel that Ibara is drifting away. He is aware of course, after SS, Ibara gets to hold more responsibility not only in Cosmic Production and ESplan preparation but also his several other companies. Ibara has so many things in his hand not just to take care of him and cook dinner for him. But is it wrong to feel like this? Is it wrong to be afraid that one day he will not come back?
Nagisa of all people is aware what kind of business his father was in. Sure he was shielded from it when he was nothing but a kid. But ever since his death, Nagisa learned a lot of the hidden truth about his father. He learned about what happened to Subaru's dad, that idol he once admired. It was a tragic story that fell towards someone who loved this industry that much. Keeping people he loved away from the business itself was his father's way to protect them from getting hurt. Yet when it happens and Subaru's dad refuse the help, his very own life crumbles. Nagisa was young but now he understands that no matter how strong the fortress you build, if in the end the person you care a lot about decides to leave it and fight alone? Your world will easily crumble the moment fate pierced through that person.
And now? After knowing all the movement behind his father's old show being touched by ES, it's difficult for Nagisa to not be worried that one day Ibara will have to face what his father had to face. Even if this Ensemble Square fortress was built to protect all the idols, there was never a guarantee that Ibara wont move forward alone.
The more he isolated himself from anyone, the more chance of that probability would appear. Ibara has a tendency of losing his sight the moment he gets caught up in the train of luck or even the train of despair. It's one of his bad habits that Nagisa always had to remind him to be careful of. Ibara might be a difficult case to crack because Nagisa knew that Ibara always shielded his feelings to not allow anyone to get close to him so he can detach himself from anyone when needed. But Nagisa wants to be there for him.
He wanted to stand by his side.
And it wasn't because Ibara reminded him of his father.
It was because Nagisa loves him.
.
'here he is… don't he know how panic i was when i called him for 20 times since i touched down in tokyo to the time i reached the dorm and he didn't even answer? What a way to give someone a panic attack' Ibara sighed when he entered the library and found Nagisa sleeping on the lazy sofa. Wrapped under the blanket that only his hair can be seen outside that.
Ibara took a deep sigh, he unbuttoned the suit he was wearing and walked towards Nagisa, checking on him first to be sure he was doing alright "Your Excellency.." he called him softly, carefully opening the blanket a bit. Certainly not the first time Ibara waking up Nagisa but evenso, the sight of sleeping Nagisa will always be breathtaking for him.
Truly sin of humanity.
Upon opening his eyes, Nagisa was greeted by delusion for a second "..father..?" He questioned, but immediately corrected himself when his vision cleared again "...Ibara..? Dream.. still..?"
It will forever be Ibara's greatest annoyance when the first time you hear from someone who made you panicked was mistaking you for his father "unfortunately your father has yet to be revived. This is just your everyday Saegusa Ibara, Your Excellency. And no, this is reality.." he sighed "really, what kind of dream did you even saw?" Ibara wondered, he get on his knees so he can have his eyes on the lower level from Nagisa's
"... Dream…" he paused, remembering what was coming to the dreamland. He can't tell Ibara that he saw something Ibara would definitely hate to see, so he just smiled at him. "... Field of flowers… father was there.." Slowly sitting up, revealing how his waking up hair is basically giving him the image of a beautiful fearless lion.
Ibara moved a little, getting the comb in his back, he stood up and began to comb Nagisa's hair gently "really? Sounds like fabricated truth but i will take it" he styled the hair with loose braid after he combed it. "Lets have breakfast after this.."
Nagisa nodded, he looked back when he realized that Ibara was done with his hair because the younger boy proceeded to fold the blanket already.
Nagisa reached towards Ibara, his hand end on Ibara's head and ruffle Ibara's head softly "....are you on day off today?"
"...." Ibara looked back, puzzled on the question "not entire day but i decided to be off this morning"--he won't say but he did thought he needed to rest today given how the days he spent on site was really on a tight schedule and he barely got enough sleep. Ibara always been the type who aware of his limit thus he at least able to manage where he has to stop and rest between his fast paced days
And Nagisa was aware of it. "...Then you have no reason to refuse, right?' he smiled when he paused "... accompany me to sleep Ibara. That's an order. I didn't get to sleep much until the sun risen up"
' That explains the dark circle under his eyes' Ibara sighed. "I said that order whatsoever, that God-mode things no longer works on me right? Sounds so much more like an annoying thing instead but fine" he stared at Nagisa, taking Nagisa's hand off his head. Since the objective is pretty much similar, Ibara won't mind about it "i will go along with it"
"...good. now piggyback me to the room" yet--Nagisa still not done with his God-mode play . Leaving Ibara stared at him with very annoyed eyes ".. don't you feel sorry to neglect me for a couple days Ibara? It is time for your repentance. I will forgive you if you do"
Ibara sighed, he stand up as he rolled his eyes but then he move to in front of Nagisa and squat down "yes Your Excellency" as much as he annoyed at that God-mode he didn't particularly hate having to serve Nagisa
Nagisa hopped on Ibara's back. He hugged him tight but not enough to suffocate him of course. Clinging to his back made him feel the warmth he missed these days. "...go go Ibara" would appear to be funny given their size difference but actually Ibara did a lot of work out so Nagisa knew he could handle this fine.
"Hai hai! Your Excellency to the chamber we go!!!" He faked the high tension but hearing the small laugh for Nagisa made Ibara smile too.
'it wasn't that bad'
There are a lot of things to worry about but because Ibara is here and still coming back to him, then Nagisa will wait. Until the time Ibara would be honest to him. But still, Nagisa will always observe him from far. He will not leave his side.