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Wrong. Everything had gone wrong. So terribly wrong. Half of a battalion of the Survey Corps had been lost, torn apart, eaten and their blood spilled over a meadow. The pictures haunted him, wherever he went and for the first he wasn’t able to ignore the blood dripping from his hands in which he stepped and left red, straining footprints behind.
Erwin felt exhausted, drained and hopeless as he returned into his quarters. His normally strident, confident pace had disappeared. Instead, his head hung low and he was dragging his feet as he walked across the room. With a heavy sigh, he sank onto the bench which stood underneath the window and buried his head into his hands. Desperately, he tried to collect himself, to regain his composure, but his breathing became heavy, trying to escape through a throat that was too tight, turning the sound into a rasp and he trembled.
“Erwin!” The door flew open, crashing violently against the wall and trembled as Levi stormed in, still slightly limping and as soon as he saw Erwin sitting on the bench underneath the window, staring at the beautiful full moon, he let out a sigh of relief. “You’re fine. I heard the expedition didn’t go well.”
“Levi.” Erwin looked and the moment Levi saw it, he froze, his dark eyes blown wide when he saw the expression of horror on the usually calm face of the commander.
“Erwin, what happened?” As quickly as he could, he hurried across the room and sat down beside him, looking concerned into his eyes.
“43 soldiers are dead.” He took a deep, shivering breath and felt the acrid taste of blood and rust burning in the back of his throat, but he tried to hide it as he didn’t want to worry Levi. “But it doesn’t matter. Is your leg getting better?”
“Who gives a fuck about my stupid leg?” Levi glared at him, but the way he took Erwin’s big hands into his and the slight shiver in his undertone proved him wrong. He touched the fingers of his other hand to his chin and gently turned his head to him and spoke with a much softer voice: “When you look like that?”
“We knew it wouldn’t be an easy expedition,” Erwin whispered, his usually warm and melodic voice rather emotionless while he avoided Levi’s piercing gaze who tried to see what he wanted to hide. He didn’t want to look at it and see the ghosts whose lives he had taken. He didn’t want to hear their accusations and lamentations. “We knew there were risks.”
“Erwin, stop this bullshit. Talk to me!” Levi snapped at him, his voice almost boiling from anger, though Erwin knew him well enough that it was his way to express his desperation and that was what Erwin had wanted to avoid.
“Please!” Levi almost begged, his hands trembling as he clenched into the fabric of Erwin’s white shirt.
“I don’t know how much longer I can take this,” Erwin whispered, his eyes almost completely swallowed by the darkness, which threatened to overtake him. Never had Levi seen Erwin like this before. No matter how rough and chaotic a situation was, Erwin stayed calm, composed and thought everything through. He had the ability to see the good things of a disaster, to never lose hope and take one step after another. He knew that a decision could never be taken back, so that there was no sense in regretting. The only thing he could do was to learn from them, but now he felt shaken up and he looked destroyed. Like the picture he had shown had cracked and fell apart.
“It’s all my fault. My decision, my willingness to take risks killed them. 43 lives. Sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, father and mothers who can no longer return home to their loved ones. I have decided that their lives can be sacrificed. I measured their worth and played God.”
“Erwin.” Levi slid closer to him and wrapped his arm around him.
“I’m burning inside, Levi. I burn!” Erwin shouted in an outburst of desperation. “Everything I’ve done has sparked up a flame and it’s burning me up. I’m on fire.”
His voice broke into a sob as he clenched his hands into his golden hair and he began to tremble. The shadows of the lives he had taken reached for him, ghostly hands wrapping themselves around his neck, strangling him, pulling him down into the hell he had condemned them to.
He had always seen them, had heard their lamentations and accusations. They had haunted him, a reminder to do better next time. Wherever he had looked, they had stood there, staring at him with hard, judging eyes and the weight of their lives was so damn heavy.
Levi looked at him with a sad, compassionate gaze, his hand resting on Erwin’s back. He had expected that this day would inevitably come. The burden that Erwin had to carry was too heavy for one person alone and he had only waited for the day that not even his iron will could keep him upright anymore.
It still pained Levi to see him like this: this devastated; his face distorted from the pain that burned him like a fire from within. Erwin was doing his best in this messy situation, better than anyone else, but he also had the highest standards for himself. He knew each of his subordinates by name, their history and each of them was important to him as if they were a family member, because they were. They were the only ones he had left-just like Levi-and it was this very obligation to them, so deeply embedded in his heart that made him suffer so much and prevented him from becoming greedy for power. That he would send people to their deaths without a second thought.
That was the reason Levi was still there. Why he would never leave his side. Erwin was the right mix of kindness of heart and pragmatism. He was just the commander this world needed. There was no doubt about that for Levi. That he did, however, showed that Levi was right in his assessment. He wasn’t the person the reverberations of today made him believe.
Erwin was the ray of hope for humanity; the first beam of sunshine after a long, stormy night. Maybe, it wouldn’t be a summer day.
Levi got up and sat down on Erwin’s lap. The commander of the Survey Corps startled and looked back up, tears glistening like crystals in his deep blue eyes. Then, he tried to turn his head away, but Levi gently lifted it back up again and the expression in his dark eyes became warmer as he wiped the tears away.
“Yes, you are burning,” he whispered and rested his forehead against Erwin. “And so am I. The entire world is, but most aren’t aware of it. We’re the only ones who know and try to extinguish it, but we don’t know how. Some attempts dampen down the flames, others continue to ignite them, but we try. That’s all we can do.”
“Levi…” Erwin’s voice was thin, shivering from the weight of his tears and the sight broke Levi’s heart. He placed a tender kiss to Erwin’s forehead and then pulled away, staring down into the quivering oceans of his eyes.
“You’re not the monster you’re currently seeing in yourself.”
“I’m a murderer.” Erwin raised his hand and looked at it with an expression full of pain and disgust. “The blood of many good people is on my hands.”
“We both have blood on our hands,” Levi said with a calm, serious voice and rested his hand against his. Erwin’s was so much bigger than his and the skin was soft and warm. They were gentle, kind, hands that would do everything to protect those he held dear and even those, who hated him. These hands weren’t those of a murderer.
“It’s the price we have to pay for trying to save the world.” A deep sigh escaped Levi. “It’s a heavy burden you have to carry, I admit, and I wish there would be someone else able to, but there isn’t.”
His gaze became even sadder while his fingers ran through the golden hair, but when Erwin still refused to look at him, the shadowed gaze glued to the floor, it hurt.
How deep was he about to drown, when not even Levi could reach him? How horrible must the sight have been that he had to endure that it felt like he was falling apart? As if he was slowly slipping through his fingers?
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.” He sighed and lowered his head, staring angrily at his injured leg which had chained him to the basis. If he had been with them things might have turned out differently. He would have been able to prevent these turns of events. He would have saved Erwin from having to feel the guilt of standing on more graves, seeing more ghosts of fallen comrades accusing him for their demise. It was all he ever wanted: helping Erwin to carry the weight of humanities fate.
At the sound of the scorn in Levi’s voice, Erwin blinked and his head snapped back up.
“No, Levi, this is not your fault,” he insisted, his voice now stronger. “You’re injured. You aren’t able to fight.”
“I had it worse,” Levi scoffed. “And still had to.”
“But it doesn’t mean that you should have,” Erwin said softly and rested their foreheads together. “Fighting with us might have caused you severe damage. There was the potential risk that you might never be able to use your leg properly again.”
“It doesn’t matter!” Levi’s voice grew louder from his own feeling of guilt. “If this is what was necessary…”
“It does matter to me!” Erwin interrupted him, his voice like a thunder and Levi’s words fell away as he widened his eyes. It still felt somehow raw and unused to him. That it mattered to someone. That he mattered. Not his strength, not him as a fighter, but Levi, the person.
The moment he saw the shock in Levi’s eyes, the stern expression on Erwin’s face softened and he rested a gentle hand onto the black thigh of Levi’s trouser, long, elegant fingers brushing over the spot where his femur was broken.
Levi took in a shaky breath, the gesture feeling so much more intimate than the touch let on and as he looked back up Erwin’s eyes were deep and full from an emotion he couldn’t name.
“I care for you, Levi. More than you probably know,” Erwin whispered and he reached out, a warm, gentle hand smoothing through his black hair.
“Stop saying something such nonsense, you idiot.” Levi hissed his typical tch, turning his head away to reject the gesture he couldn’t endure as it felt more like it was addressed to a child. A tenderness and love which had been denied to him for so many years that felt too good and yet came too late and from the wrong person. He didn’t want Erwin to just care about him. He wanted more.
“I see…” Erwin lowered his hand back down, a sad shimmer in his eyes that made Levi’s heart clench.
No, he saw nothing for once, but that wasn’t Erwin’s fault.
‘Well done, you fool’, Levi chided himself. ‘You never wanted Erwin to look like this again and now, you’re the reason. Just because you’re too scared. Coward.’
He took a deep breath. He couldn’t let that stand. He had to correct it, to let Erwin know that he wasn’t refusing him, or otherwise it might pull him even deeper.
“Erwin…,” he whispered, struggling with every word. It was like an inner turmoil. One side wanted to say it, while the other tried everything to prevent it, and the battlefield seemed to be visible in his eyes, because Erwin's look became even sadder. “I’m a soldier like anyone else. I don’t want you to favour me. I belong to the Survey Corps, your cause and…”
He hesitated, biting his bottom lip as he was about to speak words of commitment so much different and stronger than those they had already exchanged.
“I belong to you.” Levi didn’t dare to look up and so he missed how Erwin’s eyes widened, but then the commander huffed and touched his chin, gently tilting it back up again.
“You belong to no one, Levi,” he said with a soft smile on his lips. “Only to yourself.”
Levi’s heart skipped a beat as Erwin’s thumb brushed along his lips.
“But I…” He lowered his gaze. “I want to.”
“Lev?” Erwin sounded irritated, not even noticing how he used a nickname.
“I want to belong somewhere…to someone…” He looked back up through his long lashes. “To you.”
Erwin’s breath tumbled, falling into a little gasp. They had said I love you several times all throughout so many years, but this moment felt stronger, deeper, more intense. There was something in Levi’s dark eyes; a silent plea that Erwin couldn’t quite grasp.
Erwin opened his mouth to say something, to set aside the commitment resting inside it that worried him so much that his eyes darkened from the shadows of his furrowed eyebrows, but Levi’s sigh stopped him.
“I never had a home as you know,” he whispered and looked back up. “I never belonged anywhere. Always hiding, running, fighting.”
Levi couldn’t help but to let a flicker of despisal slip into the intonation of his words, his eyes grim and hard as he thought back of the life in the shadows he had to endure.
“Being here, with all of you, but especially with you, Erwin, feels like I finally found a place I want to be. That I found friends and family. Things I never knew I’ve missed and I want to keep it.” Levi rested a hand on his heart. “I want to keep it by any means and all I can offer is my strength, but right now…”
His eyes glared once again at his thigh, where Erwin’s hand still rested as if the touch could make it heal faster, better, but his blue eyes were glued to him.
Gentle fingers tipped under his chin and lifted it back up, but before Erwin had a chance to say something again to dismiss the frustration that Levi was feeling, he added:
“That is why I know that you’re not a bad person. I’ve seen the worst of scumbags of humanity. I’d recognise if you were a monster.”
Determined, unwavering dark eyes looked at him.
“You aren’t. I would have turned my back on you a long time ago,” Levi said as he cupped his cheek and Erwin couldn’t help but to lean into it. “I wouldn’t love you if you were.”
“Levi…” Erwin didn’t know what to say. Levi could sense it. On the one hand he wanted to change the topic back to Levi’s statement about his use, but on the other hand those words meant so much to him that he couldn’t quite let it go. That those were the words he so desperately longed to hear, because his own were too weak and the voices of the fallen ones too persistent.
“But I also know that often there isn’t something like a right or wrong choice. Only a shit and a shittier one and yet we have to make it. You have to make it.” Levi’s hand wandered into Erwin’s blond hair, hoping to soothe the worries a little that ghosted inside this brilliant mind. “It’s a fate no one wants to have, but you overtook it willingly and stood unshaken amidst this crashing world. There are no happy ends, because nothing can be won without losing something in return. Those who don’t believe it, those who see the devil in you should walk just a minute in your shoes and talk then. Or say it to my face. They’ll think twice to repeat it afterwards.”
A small snort escaped Erwin, the corners of his mouth twitching, but his face brightened again and he looked back up.
“Appreciated,” he whispered, a small smile grazing his lips. “But let’s find a different method for silencing them, shall we? I like my boots and rather don’t have them ruined by someone else.”
“Hmmm and they suit you well…,” Levi hummed, playing along even though it wasn’t his most fluent language, but he wanted to try to ease the situation. For Erwin.
It seemed he succeeded because a warm, melodic laughter spilled from Erwin’s lips as he looked back up.
“Do they?” he asked. His broad hand spread over Levi’s back, pulling him a little closer and a smirk began to rise on his lips.
“You know they do,” Levi replied as he leaned in closer, their noses almost touching and their warm breaths caressing their skins. “Why else would you make sure that I always have the perfect view when no one else is looking?”
“I’m doing no…,” Erwin began, but Levi silenced him with a kiss.
“Yes, you do,” he replied with a smirk against his lips and nipped on his bottom lip.
“Maybe, I do.” Erwin chuckled softly against his lips and then pulled away to cradle Levi’s cheek.
“Are you feeling better, now, Erwin?”
“I do.” A soft shimmer glistened in his eyes and Levi’s heart became lighter when he saw how the shadows disappeared. “Thank you, Levi.”
“Always,” he whispered as a vow. A vow he had made so many years ago and that he now renewed. “I love you.”
With that he leaned forward and kissed Erwin as softly as he possibly could. With every brush of his lips the tension sitting between Erwin’s shoulders disappeared and he let out a little sigh when he rested his weight against Levi and Levi would carry it for a while. At least inside those walls. As well as he could.
“I love you, too,” Erwin said, voice airy and tender when the urge for air pulled him away from those warm, soft lips of Levi.
Levi smiled and tucked him under his chin, while he carded his fingers through the beautiful, now messy, blond hair.
Levi didn’t know how long they sat like that, enjoying the silence of the night and each other company. According to the way a dull pain pulsated through his thigh from his sitting position, it had been quite a while, but he ignored it just as much as he ignored how it began to tremble. It might matter to Erwin, but to him it only mattered that he needed him in this moment, that he needed to be held and he would willingly give his heart, his everything for this man.
Then something caught his eyes that casted a smile onto his lips.
“Look.” He gently nudged Erwin to gain his attention. He felt the feathery touch of Erwin’s lashes grazing against his neck as he blinked and then pulled away.
“It might be dark now, Erwin, but a night will never last forever. Somewhen a dawn will come.” He pointed towards the window and Erwin followed his gesture. The sun was slowly rising behind the mountains, colouring the sky in a beautiful composition of water colours and the warm composition felt like a ray of hope.
“You’re right.” Erwin turned his head back to him and nodded, a smile on his lips that was so soft that it could compete with the sun in his back and that always made Levi heart flutter no matter how hard he tried to deny it. What annoyed him even more- or rather made him even happier- was how this radiant smile rubbed off on him, brightening up his own expression.
Erwin turned more towards it, resting an arm over the backrest of the couch, his blue eyes watching how the sun rose again just like on every other day.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it,” he whispered, but a certain melancholy laid within it. Levi knew why. Yesterday was in the past, wiped away by the night. Now, Erwin had to compose himself to make sure that his remaining comrades were safe. That something like yesterday would never happen again. Levi knew that this would become his personal quest from now on. To give the lost lives a meaning and made sure that their sacrifice wasn’t in vain. That was the expectation he had of himself.
Levi loved that about him, but he hoped it wouldn’t shatter him. That he wouldn’t burn under the sun’s bright shine.
“It is,” he agreed as he now sat sideways on his lap and his legs were grateful when he finally stretched them out on the couch. He wrapped his arm around Erwin's strong shoulders and snuggled against his chest as they watched the beauty of the dawn spread across the land that looked so whole and yet was completely broken.
Levi wasn’t sure if humanity was worth fighting for, but Erwin certainly was.