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Rose Tico was annoyed. She had a date with her girlfriend Kaydel in less than one hour, and OF COURSE, this was when her roommate, Rey, chose to hog the bathroom! And she knew very well what was going on in there too. It had gotten more frequent and was lasting longer recently, and she couldn’t stand it anymore: Rey would have to leave the showerhead alone, or there would be consequences!
She couldn’t entirely blame her if she was honest: her last breakup with Hux, a ginger British man she had met at work, had been brutal, and she had been licking her wounds ever since.
Her only consolation was that she had kept the cat they had gotten together, a feral ginger thing (like his ‘Dad’, the irony was not lost on Rose), named Millicent. She often found them in a comatose state on the couch after too many reality TV episodes.
She had been patient and supportive, she really had; but there was only so much disinfecting the shower head one person could do. Rose had had to get her own showerhead, it was that bad!
The last straw had been when Rey refused to get proper sex toys a while back, saying that “no one could satisfy her quite like Benny”, which was problematic on so many levels, including how she had NAMED the fricking thing??? Things had to change, and fast.
Since she was stuck waiting around for a little while longer, she weighed out her options on how to get her friend out of the dumps. All of her colleagues and friends were women, and no matter how gorgeous they were, Rey seemed intent on still liking men. No, she had to find her a man, a good one, one who would treat her like the queen she was, because Rey deserved that and much more.
Where did you find such a man? Did they even exist? She had heard Rey saying more than once that men were trash, and she was inclined to agree, but surely there were still some good men left, somewhere???
Given that they were in a global pandemic, she would have to get creative. She couldn’t drag Rey to their local bar anymore, much to her friend’s dismay, as she had been the reigning champion in the hot wings eating contest for a few years now, a badge of honour she wore with great pride, to Rose’s bafflement.
Dating apps it was then! Not that this was her favourite way of meeting new people, as men on Tinder tended to look for a quick fuck in a seedy parking lot more than a relationship, or so Rey had frequently told her. There had to be some diamonds in the rough waiting to be discovered, right?
Short of options, she pulled out her phone and downloaded the app. Luckily, she had been living with Rey long enough that she knew her as if she was her own sister, and had plenty of photographic evidence of her chaotic lifestyle. Rose sighed fondly as she scrolled through her camera roll, finding pictures from vacations they had taken in what seemed another lifetime now. Shots from her parkour adventures that she insisted Rose documented in case she ever “got famous on TikTok” or something.
She made sure to include Rey’s love of food, but mostly, she wanted to ensure that men responding to her profile would meet certain criteria to avoid another debacle like this twig of a man Hux had been. She needed a man of substance, physically but also on the inside, as most men with big muscles tended to be dry as fuck and not know how to hold a conversation. Thinking about how much her friend liked climbing things, she decided she might as well find her a tall tree of a man to do just that, and started typing a bio for her profile.
‘This should be fun’, she told herself as Rey was, FINALLY, getting out of the bathroom. Catching her friend’s cheeky grin, Rey flashed her a concerned look, asking what she was up to. Rose schooled her features into the portrait of innocence as she replied, her voice going up: “nothing”, she said, giggling like a schoolgirl in her head. Oh yes, this was definitely going to be so much fun.
🍆🍗🍑
Poe Dameron didn’t know what he had done to offend the gods, but surely he did not deserve to be in this situation. Every single night for the last few months he had come home to find his roommate, Ben, in the bathtub, with more bubbles and soaps than a Lush store. On good days, he was having tea, and on bad days he would drink straight from the wine bottle. Now imagine coming home from your job, in a global pandemic, and not being able to wash out the grime?! He couldn’t even go stay at his boyfriend Finn’s because they were not part of the same bubble, and he wouldn’t have left Ben on his own anyway; the man needed someone to remind him to get out of the damn tub before he turned into a raisin after all.
But that wasn’t the worst part of this ordeal: Ben was not only sometimes crying in the bathtub, he was also prone to fits of frenzied masturbation, the loneliness getting to be too much to bear. As the walls were paper thin, Poe was unfortunately forced to hear every second of it. He couldn’t decide which part horrified him the most, but on that night, he decided that it was time for a change.
He was going to get this man back into the dating game if it was the last thing he did; let him be someone else’s problem for a change!
To be honest, Poe was mostly sad for his best friend. As far as he was concerned, Ben was a great catch, and he was sorry to see him wallowing around when he deserved to be happily coupled up. The last person he had been with, a tall and aloof girl named Bazine, had dumped him right before the pandemic had sent everyone home. For that, he was partially glad because he couldn’t have imagined being cooped up in here with these two. For one part, she was absolutely not his type of person – in a friend kind of way, of course – he truly didn’t understand what Ben saw in her and always had trouble connecting with her. And on the other hand, because they didn’t seem to have much to talk about, they spent their time together shagging like rabbits in heat, which was unbearable because of the aforementioned thin walls. Poe was glad that Ben was getting some at the time, though to be honest, Bazine seemed to be getting the better end of the deal; bless Ben and his magical instruments!
Now it had been several months since the breakup, and Ben still had not bounced back. He had always been on the brooding end of the spectrum, but this was another level and Poe didn’t know how to help him anymore. He had taken in stride the cooking sprees – who would complain about having a personal chef at home after all? But he had started to get concerned when Ben had taken up gardening and slowly filled their balcony with his ever-growing collection of succulents. At least he was still going out daily, if only to walk his black Labrador, Chewie, and on Sundays for the farmer’s market in the local park.
Given the state of affairs at the moment, he decided that the best way to meet potential matches for his mate was to make him a dating profile on some app. He downloaded Tinder and got to work.
He linked Ben’s Instagram account, filled with pictures of food and Chewie; surely, the ladies would love it! He also mentioned the fact that Ben was a painter and included the link to their friend Mitaka’s gallery, where Ben had gotten a small exhibition for his watercolours before the pandemic that they had later transitioned online. The man himself was too shy to mention it to anyone, mind you. But for Poe, who had known him since they had been kids, and remembered the hours spent sketching in the park while he was himself busy playing some ball game, it seemed like a great achievement and deserved to be celebrated.
When it came to pictures, Poe hoped that they would do the trick: Ben was a brooding giant and rarely smiled, self-conscious as he was about his crooked teeth, and only ever wore black, even in summer. He looked handsome, though, in his modest opinion, and he saw how people were turning back to catch a glance of him on the streets. His thick hair was his pride and joy and only adding to the appeal. The man had also been spending a crazy amount of time at the building gym and was sporting guns for arms, not to mention his back muscles that rippled like a waterfall when he moved shirtless in their apartment. Catching himself, Poe got back on track with his mission, thinking that he had to see his boyfriend soon. The horny was catching up to him.
He made sure to include a photo of Ben wearing a tux at some work function because the man cleaned up good. Finally, more for laughs than anything, he uploaded the most recent picture he had of Ben: him tending to his succulents, watering can in hand, which looked TINY given he had giant hands. Satisfied with his work, he made the profile live and went to bed.
One night, a couple of weeks later, Poe was scrolling mindlessly on the app while he came across a profile that immediately caught his attention. He had gotten a lot of interest in Ben’s profile, no surprises there, but had not yet found anyone that he could see with his friend.
The lady in question was lovely – her photos were cute, and she seemed to like to have fun – but it was her bio that made Poe stop for a second, a smile slowly spreading across his face. Now this, he could work with. He swiped right and waited to see if the person matched with Ben’s profile.
Ben, who was seated in the chair in front of him, raised a brow and asked him what was so funny. Poe scrambled for an excuse.
“Oh, just a silly video from Finn.”
“Can I see it?”
“You wouldn’t get it, inside joke.”
Ben sighed and looked down at his phone again. ‘Yes, mister’, Poe thought to himself, ‘I’m going to find you the perfect woman, and I won’t ever have to listen to you jerk off in the bathtub again. What a glorious day that’ll be for all of us!’
🍆🍗🍑
A couple of weeks later, after lockdown restrictions had eased and restaurants were open again for outdoor dining and drinks, Rose and Rey made their way to their local bar, happy to be outside in the fresh spring evening.
“So here’s the thing”, Rose started telling her as soon as the waitress had taken their order and left the table, “I actually am going to meet Kaydel in a bit.”
“What??” Rey exclaimed, looking visibly distressed all of a sudden. “What did you make me come here for then? Rose, I SHOWERED for this!”
“Oh, trust me, I KNOW. This bad romance you’ve got going on with ‘Benny’ has to stop, and I think I’ve got just the thing for you.”
“What do you mean?” Rey asked, one eyebrow lifting as she stared her friend down. When she didn’t reply immediately, she demanded an answer, raising her voice. “Rose Tico, what did you do???”
Rose blessed the waitress who had come back with their drinks, giving her a second to formulate in her head the bomb she was about to drop on her not-so-unsuspecting-anymore friend. Rose liked to live on the edge, but this was really the most elaborate scheme she had ever done in her life, and she hoped it would pay off and not result in a broken friendship.
Taking a sip of her cocktail, Rose braced herself and looked Rey in the eye, casually revealing her master plan.
“I might have made you a dating profile. You matched with someone, and we are here to meet him, any minute now, really.” There, it was out. Whatever happened from there was in the hands of the horny gods.
“EXCUSE ME?!” Rey’s eyes were bulging out of her head. “You had no right! You know how gross men can be on these things. I tried the apps myself, remember???”
“I do remember, and I hear you, but I really think that I’ve found you someone special. I had very strict criteria, and he seems to meet all of them.”
Rey was silently fuming, and Rose could practically see the smoke coming out of her ears and nose. She continued:
“Rey, sweetie, I know that what happened with Armitage was very rough on you and that you needed time to heal, but you deserve to be happy, don’t you think? How are you going to find love if you don’t go out into the world and give someone a chance?”
“I was going to do that, eventually…” Rey grumbled, crossing her arms in front of her in a protective gesture.
“Well, I took it upon myself to be your wing woman, and I think you know I would never put you into a dangerous situation or choose any less than the best for you, right? Please trust me on this? The worst that can happen is that the date is bad, so you part ways and no harm done? But at least you’ll have taken a small step towards meeting that forever person, and doesn’t that count for something?”
“I guess”, Rey reluctantly admitted. A beat passed, then she asked, “What exactly did you write on this profile anyway?”
🍆🍗🍑
“Poe, what are we doing in this neighbourhood? We could have gone to our usual place. We didn’t need to walk this far out for our first post-lockdown beer. Is this another one of your ‘exploration evenings’? You know I’m not in the mental space for that,” Ben whined to his friend as they were reaching a bar called ‘Maz’s’.
Poe had that glint in his eye that didn’t bode well, and it was making him anxious. What exactly had the man planned THIS time? His shenanigans were legendary among their friends, and he was not in the mood for this.
“I heard they have great hot wings in this place, and I wanted to see for myself”, Poe shrugged. “Come on; I know your love of rotisserie chicken. You can’t tell me I am not offering you a tempting evening of delight here.”
Sighing, he followed his friend, who was taking a seat in the outdoor area of the bar. He couldn’t help but notice that a few tables over, a very pretty brunette was talking animatedly with her friend. The thought surprised him, as he had not noticed anyone of the opposite sex in quite a while. He folded his big body in the chair, frowning. He always had trouble getting comfortable as he was so tall. His knees were touching the table, and he shifted in his chair, trying to accommodate his big frame.
So maybe Poe was right. A bit of fresh air would do him good. At least they wouldn’t be eating on the couch tonight; and getting a rest from cooking was nice, actually. Even if he would have to hit the gym even harder the next day, he guessed he could enjoy one evening out with his best friend, hot wings and all.
After having ordered their drinks, Poe turned back to Ben and smiled his Cheshire cat smile, which told Ben that his friend was plotting something and that he was about to find out exactly what.
“So buddy,” Poe started, looking Ben dead in the eye, “I’m only staying until I’ve downed this drink, then I’m going to see Finn.”
“Huh?”
“Yes, we have a dinner reservation at 8; I’ll have to take off in a bit.”
“So you thought you’d bring me out of the house and leave me hanging, is that it?”
“Don’t get your knickers in a twist. I have a feeling you won’t be spending the evening alone.” Poe rolled his eyes at him.
“And how could you possibly know that, Oh Great One?” Ben told him, with as much sarcasm as he could muster. He was starting to regret ever leaving the comfort of his home, his time would be better used with a dog in his lap and the TV remote in his hand, he thought.
“Because I made it so, my sweet dumbass” Poe smiled up at him, the glint in his eyes stronger than ever.
“Why do I have a bad feeling about this?” Ben asked, anxious tremor in his voice. “What game are you playing?”
“Forgive me for wanting my best friend to be happy, mister! Honestly, this is the thanks I get for looking out for you,” Poe sighed dramatically.
“Tell me what you did and I’ll consider whether ‘thank you’ is an appropriate reaction”, Ben growled. “I hope you are wearing proper shoes because you know I’m faster than you, and I WILL catch you and beat up your ass.”
Poe laughed at this, just as the waitress was coming back with their drinks. Ben waited for his friend to spill the beans, his face serious.
“Here’s the deal: I created a dating profile for you, my friend. In normal times, I would have dragged you to the bar and thrown every woman I could find at you, but given the state of the world right now, I had to improvise! You’re welcome, by the way. At least the hassle was not on you. It was not an easy task and took up a lot of my time if you must know,” Poe finished.
“I can’t believe you got that much interest. I’m no one special,” Ben lamented. Bazine had made it quite clear in the few months they had been dating that his lifestyle was quite ‘boring’ to her standards and had tried, without success, to make him go out more and ‘enjoy life’, as she had put it. The truth was, he hated most people and spending the night in a club with sweaty dancers grinding on him was his personal idea of hell. Not that this was an option at the moment, but still, he’d rather stay home with his dog and a good book when it came down to it.
“Oh, you’d be surprised”, Poe piped up, “you were actually a big hit with the ladies. I had to do an extensive screening to get the vapid harpies out of the way before I could consider serious options. Turns out, the brooding artist is all the rage these days. Who would have thought?! You, my man, are the Holy Grail it would seem; you have the looks AND the brains, not a combination you see every day if I believe the messages these ladies were sending me – or you, I should say.”
Ben was dumbfounded. Even his parents had found it weird that he would rather be sketching in the park than playing sports with the kids his age. His dad had given up trying to get him to come out with him after a while, and their relationship had gotten even more strained. This sensitive son must have been a great disappointment to him, Ben thought bitterly.
“So anyway, I think I found someone pretty special”, Poe continued, calling Ben back from his internal turmoil. “She is just the kind of chaotic energy you need to shake things up in your life, not to mention she LOVES food and animals and is quite active herself. Gym couple goals, anyone?” Poe raised his glass and toasted Ben.
“She was quite taken with your profile, but she insisted that if she was going to break Covid restrictions, it had better be the best dick of her life.” He ignored Ben’s gasp and continued. “Which I assured her it would be, given your known reputation as the ‘clit whisperer,’” he got out, and then stopped to sip his drink while looking mischievous as ever.
Ben all but spit out all over the table. “POE, we had agreed to never mention this stupid college nickname ever again!!!” His eyes were wild, and he looked around to see if anyone had noticed his outburst. Lowering his voice, he continued: “And what were you thinking? This is highly inappropriate and could be considered identity theft, man!”
“Oh, relax, Judge Judy. I was sick of hearing you moping around in the bathtub every night. I had to do something; this crisis of yours has lasted long enough.”
“I am not in a crisis; I was recovering from a bad breakup, thank you very much!”
“I know Bazine did a number on you, but this”, he gesticulated to encompass the whole of Ben, “has got to stop. It is getting out of hand.”
“This? What do you mean by this?” Ben was outraged.
“For one thing, with summer around the corner, I would very much like to regain access to our balcony. Your succulent family has taken over, and I’m not about to let some plants live rent-free in my house. You also need to get out of the house more, buddy; and no, taking Chewie on his daily walk doesn’t count. I mean, you need a life beyond the gym! Besides, now that we can get out again, I will probably be spending more time at Finn’s, and I cannot in good conscience leave you alone in the flat. I need to know you are being taken care of and that I won’t find you overdosed from too much chicken curry one morning.”
Ben’s head was spinning, and he took a moment to gather his thoughts. His throat was parched, and he downed his beer in a few gulps, wondering what on earth he had done to deserve this.
“What exactly have you told this young lady?” Ben asked after a minute.
“I didn’t make any promise that I knew you wouldn’t uphold if that’s what you’re worried about”, Poe answered.
“Like what?”
“Oh you know, the classic Ben Solo™ dating experience: dinner at a five-star restaurant, followed by dessert – if you catch my drift – at your house, making sure the lady is fully satisfied before getting down to business… The walls of the apartment are very thin, and I can hear everything, there’s no need to pretend otherwise.” Poe said, waving a hand towards Ben to sush him. “And to cap off the night, your specialty of brownies and ice cream with a warm bath, I know how much you like those,” Poe finished, looking smug and casually twirling the straw in his glass.
Ben was speechless. He didn’t know what to think of this, or the fact that his friend apparently had him pinned down to a T. Had he really been letting himself go these last few months? He couldn’t believe it now that it was coming from someone else’s mouth; it had not seemed that bad from his perspective.
Shaking his head to refocus on the matter at hand, Ben looked back up to his friend.
“Of course I would behave like a gentleman, but that’s not the point!” He exclaimed. “You can’t go around making offers to random women on my behalf!”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice you checking out that pretty lady when we got here”, Poe told him, pointing in the direction of said woman, “Like what you see?”
Ben didn’t dare turn his head but nodded slightly, “I guess she looks nice, yes, but what does that have to do with anything?”
“Well,” Poe said, looking eager all of a sudden, “this is who you’re meeting with”.
🍆🍗🍑
Rey could feel her face flush with embarrassment as she read the words on the screen that Rose was holding in front of her face. The woman could not be serious. This was blasphemous! She had to read it a few times to make sure she was not imagining things, but no, there it was, black on white, and in all caps no less:
“I AM LOOKING FOR BIG BITCHES ONLY OKAY?
I’M TALKING BIG PAWS
TREE TRUNKS THIGHS
TITS TO MOTORBOAT
THIS GIRL HAS A SIZE KINK TO SATISFY”
At least Rose had chosen decent pics, and the rest of the profile was okay, but she was choking with indignation at the bio.
“Rose, what the fuck is this??? I would never write anything like that!” she shrieked, fidgeting on her chair.
“After what happened with Armie, do you seriously want to get with another man like him?”
“Of course not!!!”
“Well, I had to find a way to screen out the bad weeds, didn’t I?” Rose shrugged.
“And you couldn’t do that just by looking at their pictures? I swear to god, Rose, how does this make me look? I’m dying of embarrassment, and I’m not even the one who had to deal with the likes!”
“Which is exactly why I did this: to spare you having to see unsavoury dudes getting the wrong idea. You’re welcome, by the way!”
“I will absolutely not be thanking you for this; it is a violation of my privacy and clearly brought up nothing good!” Rey spit out.
“Now, who said this little adventure didn’t end up well?” she countered, arching an eyebrow at Rey.
“What?”
“I found you the perfect guy if I do say so myself,” Rose said, looking smug as hell.
“HOW?! How could you even find one decent person with this little stunt you pulled??”
“I’m that good,” Rose beamed at her.
Rey had to take deep breaths to calm herself at this point. She loved Rose to bits, but sometimes her friend tended to go overboard with things. And people said she was the chaotic one?! The nerve!
Focusing back on her friend, Rey exhaled and asked, “Well? What can you tell me about him?”
“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
“I'm sorry??”
“I arranged for him to meet you here. Actually, he’s already sitting among us.” Rose whispered.
Rey frantically looked around at the few people sitting on the terrace, wondering which one of these men Rose could be talking about.
“And I haven’t told you the best part yet,” Rose continued, pausing for dramatic effect. “His name is Ben.” She said, starting to laugh.
“BEN?!” Rey shouted, then quickly remembering herself, looked around and noticed a tall, black-haired guy twisting in his seat and looking in her direction, a confused look on his face.
“You’ve got to admit that this is hilarious. I couldn’t have planned this more perfectly if I had tried!” Rose was full-blown hysterical by then, almost falling off of her chair in a fit of giggles.
“Now come on, I’ll introduce you!”
“Wait, no, he can’t see me like this!!! I need to fix my face. Hand me your emergency kit; I know you always have one in your purse!”
‘That’s my girl’, Rose smiled to herself as Rey was running to the bathroom, ‘never backing down from a challenge! I have a good feeling about this. She better make me the maid of honour at her wedding!’
🍆🍗🍑
“So you too just lost a friend, huh?” Rey told the man that was sitting across from her – Ben. She could see the tip of his ears getting redder by the second, and he had not yet caught her eye since their treacherous friends had left them to their own devices, even going so far as to high five each other on their way out, the audacity!
He was very handsome, though; she had to give it to Rose. His face was singular, but she could not look away: dotted with moles, a long, sharp nose, and whiskey eyes. It was framed by the most beautiful hair that Rey had ever seen, black as a raven’s coat, thick and looking impossibly soft. She was itching to touch it for some reason and had to sit on her hands so she didn’t do anything stupid, like reaching out for this stranger’s head and make him run for the hills.
She was equally distracted by his broad body: his t-shirt was straining across his wide shoulders, and his arms muscles were so perfectly defined that she all but started drooling on the spot. He was toying with the drinks menu, and boy did these hands make her feel things! ‘Fucking bear paws are what these are', she thought as she looked back to his face, feeling herself getting hotter and hotter for reasons totally unrelated to the weather.
“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” Ben started to say, his voice so deep she felt it rumble in her own chest. “I know we were both conned into it by our friends, we can part ways right now, and no one will be the wiser.”
Rey really didn’t want to leave anymore, though. There was something about this man that called to her. Yes, he was very attractive, of course, but it went deeper than that. As if a piece of her soul was recognising him, and they hadn’t even started talking!
“Well, we might as well chat for a bit, don’t you think? However misguided her ways can be, Rose usually has pretty good judgement.” Rey told him, hoping that he would catch the lifeline she was throwing him. At this, Ben looked up at her, his honeyed eyes locking with hers, and time seemed to stand still for a second. Then a small smile spread across his lips – plush, deliciously biteable lips, she thought – and the hurt of the past months seemed to vanish into thin air.
“I guess we should; we are both here after all,” Ben said, and it was music to her ears.
🍆🍗🍑
She was the most beautiful woman Ben had ever seen. And here he was, making a fool of himself, not being able to even look at her, much less form sentences. The moment Poe had waved, and he had seen this woman approach their table, his heart had started beating wildly in his chest – funny how he had forgotten that he even had a heart there – and his mouth has gotten drier than the desert.
She was wearing a pair of jeans that left nothing to the imagination, a yellow top and a white cardigan that complimented her skin tone perfectly. Her hair was chestnut and falling down in soft waves on her shoulders. Her most striking feature though was her hazel eyes: even full of apprehension, they were still gorgeous; and he wondered if they sparkled when she smiled. He knew right then that he wouldn’t know peace should this woman walk out of his life, and it puzzled him.
In good dumbass fashion, though, he heard himself offer her a way out of this peculiar situation they found themselves in. ‘What are you doing, you idiot?! You can’t let her walk away! Forget Bazine, this you won’t ever recover from, do something!!!’
To his great relief, she apparently wanted to stay? And get to know him? Ben knew he wasn’t worthy of her attention, but he was going to make sure that he didn’t squander this opportunity.
When the waitress came back to refill their drinks, Ben looked at her and said, “I heard that they have great chicken wings here. Can we have a round for the table, please?”
“Make that two buckets!” Rey shouted as the girl started to back inside.
“I don’t share,” she said, turning back to Ben with a cheeky grin.
Oh, he was in so much trouble, wasn’t he? Damn Poe and his perfect instincts.