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I love you, Moony.
The echo of Sirius's voice bounces around his head as he stares at the bare wall in front of him.
You know that, right?
He hated the whispers that only came whenever they were alone in the dark and the promises that continuously bore no fruit. The proclamations of enamor, the kisses of passion…what were they? What meaning did they ever hold?
Sirius pins him against the wall as soon as the last Order member leaves, and he kisses Remus with such fervor that the latter thinks for a second he'll become permanently merged with him…
It hurts. That's all Remus can feel: a blinding amount of hurt — none of which can be healed. The werewolf glares at the chipping paint as he clenches his fist.
Hot kisses are planted on his neck, making him gasp loudly —
No. Remus orders himself to not think about the pleasure. He orders himself to not think about the things Sirius did.
Remus is left hanging after a particularly rough night…
Sirius acts like Remus doesn't even exist around Harry…
Sirius doesn't give a damn about comforting him after any full moon…
He never loved him, he never loved him, he never loved him…
With a strangled cry, Remus realizes that Sirius can still cause him pain — even from beyond the Veil. He can still degrade him and make him feel ashamed for things he can't help.
Ooh, you fancy my cousin, eh?
No.
Oh, come on! Don't lie.
I'm not.
Except he was. She was — and still is — his way out. His gate to freedom.
You're lying.
No, Sirius, why would I?
STOP LYING TO ME! I know you fancy her!
Remus remembers reeling from the resulting punch. Sirius was very angry when he learned that his lover loved someone else, but he immediately regretted it.
Look, Moony —
However, Remus also remembers reaching his limit and giving up by that point.
Right. I'll take my leave.
No! Wait!
But Remus didn't wait. He didn't want to wait for the apology that would never come or the forgiveness he would never give. He knows that, whatever happened between them, Sirius never valued Remus as Remus.
He valued him as Moony.
I wish it was the full moon.
Yeah, you would wish that.
Don't be such a spoilsport, Moony! We have so much fun —
You have so much fun. I don't.
It's the first time he allows himself to think about this memory. Remus wonders why he has suppressed this for so long. It was a few nights after one of the full moons back at Hogwarts and Sirius was raving about how he had raced Moony in the Forbidden Forest. Prongs had not been too far behind them. It's then that another memory resurfaces, and this time, it's one he's gone over again and again.
You used me…
But Snivellus didn't die —
You still used me.
I know, it was stupid, but the fact of the matter is —
The fact of the matter is, I can never trust you again.
However, Remus ended up doing the very thing he pledged against. Perhaps it was his forgiving nature, or his cowardice. Perhaps, Sirius never actually lost his trust in the first place.
Why are you here?
I came to see you, Moony.
For what? And how did you — ?
Remus thinks back to the first time they kissed. He remembers the hope that filled his soul at that moment. He thought they could go back to being friends or even become something more, but Sirius kept on breaking his trust, kept on deceiving him, kept on sleeping around with other women…
The next time he heard from him was the spring of 1994.
He wonders why he thought he could be friends with Sirius once more after he resigned from Hogwarts or why reliving the "good old days" with him was a good idea.
Once again, the feeling of being lied to — again — is overwhelming.
Moony, can we start over?
That voice — that aristocratic, rugged, alluring voice. He hated how it was smooth as dark chocolate and malleable as gold. That voice could make one do anything.
All right, Sirius.
Suddenly, Remus stands up and flips the table over. It's the first time he ever screams.
In the end, Sirius left Remus nothing in his will. Absolutely nothing. Not a shirt, jacket, or even a sum of money. He left all of it to Harry, who is already filthy rich. All those praises, those compliments, those promises of a better future…
They. Meant. Nothing.
Sirius…how do you do this?
Do what?
Pretend to love me. You never did, this much I know. Even now, you don't. All you do is use me.
That's not true —
It is. I won't say anything else, but just know that I know.
Remus recalls walking away quickly, not wanting to confront the issue any longer. He knows it was then that he lost Sirius.
Forever.
But deep down, Remus knows that he never had Sirius to begin with. He knows that he's been living a fantasy the entire time.
He shakes his head. God, he's stupid. He's so, so stupid. He's so fucking stupid to think that he and Sirius could have ever been friends. Remus still abhors the pain Severus experienced at the hands of James and Sirius. He despises the way they humiliated him viciously. He's frustrated that he let James, Sirius, and Peter walk all over him. If he is being completely honest with himself, he only stayed with his friends because they knew about his condition.
For this, he hates what he has allowed to unravel beyond his control.
He loathes who he has become.