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It’s Friday after a long week of work, thick blankets and a hot choco kind of night, and Hange’s propped on the couch while snacking on some popcorn, the TV playing in front of her.
“What the fuck are you watching?”
Levi has entered their room, confused at the fact that Hange’s eyes are glued to the screen—probably for the first time since… forever?
“Just some action series I found on this channel.” She munches some popcorn. “Got me hooked on the first season, and now I’m already halfway through!”
The opening credits of the next episode start with some poorly-done CGIs of the protagonist jumping off a building before said building gets blown up, flash forward to some highly-exaggerated fighting scenes where one punch from Cardo, the vigilante extraordinaire, knocks out this huge evil henchman in front of him. It’s a pathetic stunt; in reality, that blow would have broken his teeny-tiny wrist. But the director didn’t want that, Levi supposes; Cardo Dalisay would have been recuperating in the hospital for weeks. There would be no show without him.
Levi shrugs his shoulder and grabs some popcorn. “Looks like shit to me.”
Nevertheless, he sits beside Hange, slings one arm around her while Hange lifts up the blanket high enough for both of them to snuggle underneath.
The show doesn’t really interest him, really. It’s Hange’s reaction to it that does. Hange’s eyes widen at every kick, every punch that Cardo lands at his enemies, eyebrows furrowed each time he narrowly escapes a blow.
“This guy,” Hange explains, pointing her foot towards the face of Coco Martin on TV, “he used to have a twin brother who died so he avenged him and then Cardo, he’s the main character, in case you haven’t figured it out, gets involved with drugs and the police, but he’s innocent and now he’s on the run with his wife and a couple of military-people-turned-rebels—oh, shit, no!”
The main nemesis of the season shoots Cardo Dalisay right on the chest. The protagonist drops dead in the water, his body floating in the middle of the lake, and then it’s a cliffhanger. Hange’s face is in pure horror, like she hasn’t expected this plot twist at all.
“Don’t die. Survive!” Hange shouts with all the eagerness in her voice.
The popcorn merely falls out of Levi’s mouth as he stares at Hange, dumbfounded. It’s his motherfucking line.
“Don’t tell me this is what you’ve been binge-watching lately. A dweeb can do better CGIs than this…” he gestures towards the screen, and thinks of the first word that comes to mind. “Shitshow.”
Hange doesn’t respond, but merely plays the next episode she has recorded.
Apparently, Cardo Dalisay has escaped death that time and is back for some action-packed scenes (“I knew it! Somebody found him and nursed him back to health!” Hange cheers). Little does Levi know, it’s the first of many, the almost-but-not-quite “deaths.” A hostage is now tied up high in the air, but Levi can still see the stupid green screen behind them like a badly photoshopped meme. Hange, however, is thoroughly engrossed.
All the death-defying scenes happen one after the other, and Levi is forced to watch, cringing. Well, because Hange would end up staying all night and wouldn’t probably wake up to run some errands in the morning. He’d rather make sure she gets to bed by 1 am, at the very latest. The two of them are partners-in-crime in this household.
The next episode cuts to Cardo Dalisay hanging for dear life with one gun in hand while he’s being rained down by bullets from above. Said enemies, trained assassins are they are, miss all their firing shots at him, and Cardo Dalisay miraculously escapes without a single scrape in his body.
“This doesn’t make sense,” he complains to Hange who’s fanning herself from the adrenaline rush. Levi continues, “Nothing does in this show. Did the producers even study the laws of physics?”
Hange looks at him, curious.
“What?” he asks, flatly.
“Nothing.”
She continues watching. The fact that she majored in Physics and aced all her classes in college baffles him all the more.
Cardo Dalisay dies the nth time by being shot (again). About time, Levi thinks. And then Cardo’s wife Alyana wakes up with Cardo right beside her, completely unharmed. It had all been a dream.
“This guy seriously has one hell of a plot armor.”
“I know! It’s so cool, right?” Hange says, and he doesn’t know if she’s being ironic or not. “I’ve been so attached to his character, kinda reminds me of you.”
“I can do so much better than him.” He crosses his arms and slumps back into the couch. Levi has had enough of plot armors so thick nothing could penetrate the person.
“Maybe you can audition and then ask if you can replace his titular role,” Hange teases him before putting all her attention to the ongoing episode. “Apparently, it’s been running since 2015.”
He counts the years with his fingers. “Shit, for real? It’s fucking 2021.”
The hours go by so slow, and Levi’s back is already hurting from sitting on the couch this whole time. They’re coming to the end of the last season, and he’s trying his best to blink away the sleep from his eyes. He does wake up, though, when Cardo Dalisay gets repeatedly shot and stabbed by his archenemy in the most gruesome episode to date.
“No, not again. Please!” Hange shouts, fists clenching the blanket too tightly.
Please what? Please come back? Or please die this time?
Cardo Dalisay is coughing up blood on the floor and Hange is crying.
“Alright, that’s it.” He stands up. “If this guy comes back alive in the next season, I’m—”
Hange grabs hold of his shirt and cries. Not a crybaby kind of cry. But a serious, I-swear-it-is-real kind of cry. Cardo Dalisay remains dead. Bad guy celebrates, laughing in triumph. The rest of the characters mourn. So does Hange. And Levi, tough guy as he is, doesn’t have the heart to make fun of her when she cries.
“I can’t, I can’t,” Hange sobs, as the ending credits roll. “I can’t deal with deaths anymore.”
“Oi, Hange. It’s alright.”
He looks at the clock and it’s already past 1 am. After turning the TV off, he carries Hange to bed and tucks both of them in, wrapping his arms around her as they settle into sleep together.
Hange curls up closer to him and, being the longer-legged person between the two of them, hooks her leg on his thigh. “Levi…”
“Hm?” He cracks one eye open.
“I’m just glad you’re still here.”
He pulls her towards him, right where his heart is, and he’s sure that Hange is listening to the thumping of his heartbeat. So much for heroes, he thinks. He’s thankful enough he doesn’t have to act like one to be one in Hange’s eyes. He hopes the story doesn’t end there.
A few episodes later, the scene zooms in to Cardo Dalisay on a hospital bed, severely injured but nevertheless, alive.