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Thirty seconds, no matter how much you think about it, is too short to amount for anything.
The morning prayer takes about ten minutes, and that's already the shortest one. The distance from the basement to the entrance gate of the cathedral is a five-minute walk, not including the time extended when unexpected conversations are made to someone you encounter on the way. Even taking a trip to Good Hunter from the church for a quick breakfast takes approximately two minutes at least if you glide.
Yes, thirty seconds is not enough and probably never will. Yet a certain deaconess only allows herself to be depressed within that specific amount of time. Nothing more and hopefully nothing less.
She tells herself everyday that she can't afford to wallow in self-pity, even for a few seconds more, when she's sure that others are experiencing far more hardships than hers. She doesn’t have the right to complain nor to give up. Because if they managed to overcome them all, she should, too, right?
As the deaconess of the Favonius Church as well as the beloved idol of Mondstadt, she needs to be there for others, to bring their smiles back. Whether through healing or even having a little performance, she will do her best. No matter what the circumstances, she couldn't afford to show any signs discomfort nor worry as that could also affect the people around her. That's why, even if it's hard sometimes, she would force a big grin on her face because it's her responsibility to bring them happiness.
Because it's the only thing she's good at anyway...
But today's events have proven that even by doing just that, she still fails.
She perches herself on the hands of the Wind Archon's statue in the center of the city plaza, dangling her feet quite haphazardly while watching the glowing moon above.
Far away from the crowds that usually swarm around her like bees to a flower when she's outside the church, she is now all alone. But that's alright. She prefers that way because tonight, she's neither the deaconess nor an idol. She's Barbara.
Just Barbara.
A girl, no matter how much she tries hard, couldn't bring smiles to everyone. A singer, despite of her upbeat songs, couldn't please all of her audience. A healer who couldn't even ease the pain—
She immediately shakes her head vigorously before her thoughts continue to spiral downwards. As if by doing so, all the negativity will also diminish into oblivion.
A failed healing session.
A pair of loathing eyes.
A cancelled performance.
She unconsciously raises her hand to touch her face. The sting on her left cheek has long subsided but the ache in her heart hasn't.
Today was just not a good day but it doesn't mean she would let it bring her down. Tomorrow's going to be better for sure. That's right. The next day, she will definitely try harder if not her best—wait, she always does that. But guess, she will try even better than best! Best of the best!
Then perhaps she won't see the disappointment in other people's faces...
She slowly shuts her eyes and folds her hands.
Lord Barbatos, I hope you'll give me more strength and courage to face another day. Grant me the ability to bring more smiles to the people around me. Please. Please. Please—
"Well, well, looks like someone beat me to my favorite place today!"
A familiar singsongy voice permeates her ears. She quickly opens her eyes and looks for the source.
She sees a boy her age standing behind her, wearing a white frilly dress shirt under a green cloak partnered with a similar-colored pair of puffy shorts. His short raven hair with aqua ombre braids on each side flow freely in the wind while sitting at the top of his head was a green beret adorned with a single Cecilia flower.
When his emerald eyes met her sapphire ones, they twinkle immediately almost glowing literally and metaphorically with mischief.
Despite of his last remark, he clearly looks far from disappointed. In fact, he is actually grinning at her. But she still feels bad that she had somehow invaded someone else's comfort zone.
(Though no one owns that place but still!)
"Sorry, I'll be going then."
"Hold on!"
Without warning, he flops himself down beside her which makes her yelp in surprise. The close proximity almost gives her a mini-heart attack. But the bard only laughs and acts as if it was the most normal thing in the world. "There. Two can sit just fine, right?"
She scoots away from him, as much distance as she could with the little space they have without endangering herself of falling over. She did brought her glider just in case, but it's better to be safe than sorry.
She replies with a nervous, "Y-Yes."
Despite of her rather rude reaction, he doesn't seem offended and only sits in place while humming a tune she isn't familiar with. Then again, most of his songs are far more complicated for her to remember. But she admits that she does adore his voice and if given the chance, she wouldn't mind listening to it all day.
"So why does our beloved idol here tonight?"
She bits her lower lip. She was actually hoping he won't ask that. She isn't really the type of person to open up to someone. Especially not to someone she barely even knows. They only met twice not including tonight; first, when he and the traveler returned the Holy Lyre der Himmel and second, at Jean's party. During those times they hardly even interacted. Though she would still spot him occasionally making a performance near the fountain but even then they never really talked either.
She knows she could trust him at least (except maybe for the fact that he lied to her about fixing the Holy Lyre but that’s another story to tell and she didn’t know that yet). He is her older sister's friend after all. However they aren't close enough for her to confide her problems to him.
And even if they were, she highly doubt she still would.
So she answers vaguely. "Just a bad day."
"I see." He doesn't pry any more and she's grateful for that.
"What about you, Mr. Bard? Why are you here?"
He chuckles. "Just a bad day."
She doesn't know whether he's mocking her with his answer or is genuinely having a hard day just like her. She's pretty sure it's likely the former especially with a personality like his. But as a musically-inclined person, she has sensitive ears and she can definitely hear the hint of sadness in his tone even if he tries to hide it in his lighthearted response.
Just like always, her instinct is to immediately comfort someone in need. She unconsciously leans towards him. "Is there any way I could be of help?"
He looks surprised but then laughs. "Aren't you also upset yourself?"
"That's... That's not important now. You can tell me what's bothering you. I wouldn't mind listening. I—"
"Will you also do the same?"
She blinks. "What?"
He grins wider while tilting his head to one side. "Will you also tell me what's bothering you then?"
She quickly averts her eyes. She doesn't expect that. But her resolve as a deaconess and make the bard feel better gets the best of her so she looks at him again before responding, "Will that be of any help to you if I did?"
"Yep," he answers without batting an eye.
She sighs. "Fine. But you'll have to tell me what's wrong first then I will do the same afterwards." He raises his eyebrow in skepticism which makes her reluctantly adds, "You have my word. I swear on Lord Barbatos' name."
He smirks quite satisfied with her statement. "Alright."
He suddenly turns quiet and serious which makes her worried. Is it really that bad?
Maybe she shouldn't have asked after all—
"The thing is, I got kick out from Angel's Share tonight before I could even finish my fourth glass of wine." He sighs dramatically. "Quite a waste, if you ask me."
She blinks.
Once.
Twice.
"And that's the reason why you were having a bad day?" She asks incredulously.
"Why, of course! Didn't you know that wine is the drink of the gods? I would never want to miss partaking such heavenly beverage when opportunity presents itself as long as I live."
Barbara massages her temple while trying to calm herself. She can already feel a headache coming. Of course, how did she forget that this seemingly teen in front of her was a bona fide drunkard? Didn't she saw him chugged all those liquor in one sitting during their surprise party for Jean?
"But aren't you a little too young to be drinking alcohol? Why would they even sell those to a minor like you?"
"Hehe. Maybe because I'm just that young looking." He winks at her. "And I have my ways."
She let out an exasperated sigh. Just when she thought that the guy beside her have some serious predicament, it turns out he's only lamenting about not being able to down a booze.
Perhaps he does have a problem... in the head.
She can definitely understand now why Master Diluc had enough of him and expelled him from the tavern in the first place.
"Why do you like drinking so much anyway. You do know it's not good for your health, right? You could end up having alcohol poisoning if you aren't careful."
"Oh? Is the darling deaconess worried about a mere bard like me?" He wiggles his eyebrows mischievously.
"Of course I am. You are my sister's—I mean, the Acting Grand Master's friend after all. In a way, you are my friend by extension."
"Really now?" He hums then looks far away. "I'm honored."
"You still haven't answered my question though."
He doesn't look at her. Instead, he summons his lyre and starts singing a song.
♫ Woe is it when life brings nothing but tragedy
Perhaps it's better then to lose one's memory
Walking this barren land for thousands of years
Has only brought endless death and more tears ♫
♫ There was once two but now there's only one
Realizing that the battle was lost before it began
What good was it when only one survived that?
When one sprang forward but one fell back? ♫
♫ Seems like mortals are cursed with short lives
And immortals are doomed to never die
For a boy longing for freedom has already passed
Yet a spirit continues to live trapped in the past ♫
At the final strum of his strings, a stray tear roll down to her cheeks.
Barbara knows that what she heard just now is far from the truth. The guy in front of her couldn't have live for many centuries, right? That would be impossible unless he is a god or some supernatural being. But why...
Why can she hear the cry of his heart along with the melody?
He finally turns to her and gives her a cheeky grin. "Hoho! Did you like it? I composed that on the spot just now!" Then he starts rambling. "Hmm... probably needs more work though. The tune is okay but some words sound weird. Might need to revise it later. Definitely not my best but, oh well, a song is a song."
She hastily wiped away her tears. "Are you trying to forget something? Or someone?"
"Hm?" He shrugs. "Who knows? Such ballads are up to the hearers to interpret. So what do you think?"
"It's beautiful... but also heartbreaking." Then clutches one hand to her chest. "However, I don't think I would want to forget someone though."
"Oh?" That piques his curiosity. He lets his lyre dematerialize leaving white feathers fluttering slowly in the air. "Care to explain?"
She starts fidgeting with her fingers. "Well, I just want to always remember the good memories I have with them."
The memory of her family when they were still together immediately comes to mind; her mother fixing her hair into twin pigtails, her sister playfully teasing her, and her father embracing them all in a warm hug.
A soft smile escape her lips. "I want to remind myself that those good times indeed happen and were not only a figment of my imagination. So that even if those things will never be possible again, at least I have something to look back to. Then I won't be so lonely anymore. It's better than not remembering at all, right?" Then as if realizing something, she quickly raises both of her hands and waves them in dismissal. "But that's just my own opinion."
"Is that so, huh?" He has this weird look on his face and for a second, she's worried she has said something insensitive. He's smiling alright but his eyes looks conflicted.
Eventually, he chuckles while extending his hand up to the night sky and stares at it intently. "Perhaps you're right. It's why I chose this form after all."
"Huh?"
"Nothing." Then he looks at her and grins mysteriously. "I think it's now your turn, Barbara."
She blinks rapidly. She was so caught up with his song that she has already forgotten about that. She immediately reasons, "But you never answered my—"
"I did. To begin with, you only asked for my dilemma, right? But you didn't like my answer." He pouts. He's clearly referring to his drinking predicament from before. Then he adds, "Besides, you also already helped me with my problem. So no need to fret over what's done."
"But that's not what I—Nevermind." She sighs. He'll probably string another series of alibis just to avoid her question anyway and she doesn't have any more energy nor time for that. But she couldn't deny that he does look a lot better now. Though, she's a bit confused what kind of help did he mean.
Well, at least, after all of today's mishaps, she still manages to do something right.
"So will our beloved idol keep her end of the deal?"
She closes her eyes for a second as she takes a deep breath.
"Honestly," she begins, "I really don't think it would matter."
"Why?"
"Thirty seconds."
He raises his eyebrow. "Thirty seconds?"
"I only allow myself to be sad for thirty seconds."
He doesn't reply and only looks at her in more confusion.
"So even if I did tell you now, it would take up more than that and I don't wanna risk it. I don't wanna be a burden."
He thinks for a moment. "I think, that's enough."
"Huh?"
And before she knows it, he already pulls her and wraps his arms around her in a loose embrace.
The right response would have been to push him and even slap him for taking advantage of her personal space. But then something wet also begin to form at the corner of her eyes. She tries to stifle her sobs but she knows it's of no use. The bard is probably already aware and for the first time in a long time, she lets herself to cry her heart out.
"Is this okay?"
"Y-Yes."
"B-Barbara-child, it's alright. You don't have to use your powers on me. I am already prepared to depart from this world."
"But I can still heal you. I—"
The old lady lying on a bed shook her head slowly as she tried to grab the deaconess' hands with her wrinkled ones.
"Please, child. It's of no use... Even if you do, nothing would change... M-My time has come. There's no point of delaying the inevitable... Just hearing your sweet voice one last time is enough for me."
"But..."
"Thank you... P-Please tell my family how much I love them."
Just like that, the old woman's hold loosened.
The door swung open.
A lady in her thirties came in and knelt beside the bed. "Mother! Please don't leave us!" But it was too late. Her mother had already closed her eyes forever. She let out a loud wail as her husband tried to console her.
All Barbara could do was watch the whole scenario unfold to her. She tightened her fist to her chest while holding back the tears of her own.
But then suddenly, a sharp slap came to her.
Her eyes widen as she held her face. The woman who was crying before was now eyeing her with outmost contempt.
"You!" Her eyes were burning with rage despite the tears. "You said you would heal my mother? Why did you let her die?!"
"Sweetheart, stop it. It's not her fault. Please!" The man held her wife as she was already starting to trash the place.
"You don't understand! My mother can't die. She... She can't." The woman whimpered as she slumped to the floor. "M-My mother... Why... Why didn't you save her?"
Barbara's mind went blank.
It wasn't until a fellow sister rushed in and led the idol outside the room that she finally woke up from her stupor, leaving the middle aged couple behind along with their family grieving on the loss of a member. But the harsh questions that was thrown at her kept on repeating in her head like a mantra.
Why didn't you heal her?
Why did you let her die?
Why?
She didn't know the answer.
Because of the incident, her afternoon performance for the kids at the orphanage was also cancelled. To think, they were so looking forward to it for many weeks.
Her heart felt more heavy.
It's like everything was falling apart and she couldn't do anything.
She felt useless.
She was useless.
She doesn't know how much time has passed. It feels like more than half a minute already but who's still counting? All she knows is how warm he felt and how soft his voice as he is now singing her a lullaby.
"Alright. Time's up!" He tries lets go but she doesn't. "Barbara?"
That's when she realizes that she's still clinging to his cloak like her life depended on it. She doesn't remember doing so. But she doesn't care much at this point as she stares at him directly in the eye.
"If someone is dying in front of you and you can't even do anything to prevent it. What should you do?"
He looks shaken for a moment by her question but still manages to give her a gentle smile. "Stay by their side until the end."
"That's just doing nothing then..."
"No." He shakes his head. "It's not. Believe me. Being with the person important to them on their last breath is the best thing someone could have in that situation. After all, no one can prevent death; not you, not me, not even the gods of this world. So all we could do is to make sure that they'll be able to at least smile before departing forever."
She remembers the old woman's last words to her as she sniffles. "I understand."
She can only hope that she was able to do just that.
"You did well today, Barbara." He makes a gesture of patting her head. "So no need to push yourself too hard. If it's you, I'm sure everything will be alright."
Because of his action, she bursts into another fit of sobs as fresh tears begin to roll down to her cheeks once again. He starts panicking.
"Eh? Please don't cry anymore! The sisters will definitely get mad at me for making you this upset."
"I-I can't help it."
"Geez. I didn't know the Mondstadt's beloved idol is a crybaby."
"I'm not!"
He only laughs while trying to somewhat console her.
Despite of that, she also can't help but giggle as well as she wipes her sadness away.
She feels much lighter. So much lighter than before and it's all thanks to the person beside her. Who would have thought that a drunken bard can be deep, too?
"Thank you, Mr. Bard."
"My pleasure, my darling deaconess."
She smiles for real.
Thirty seconds, no matter how much you think about it is too short to amount for anything. But maybe just maybe, a warm hug from a mischievous bard within those few seconds is indeed just enough.