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A sharp gasp startled Takuto out of his sleep. He blinked, expecting sunlight to come in through the curtains of his bedroom, but instead he was greeted by moonlight and shadows. He blinked a few more times, trying to place what had just happened. The LED lights on the clock read 3:38 am.
His confusion was replaced by concern as muffled sobs came from your side of the bed. He laid there for a moment, wondering what the best course of action would be. If he turned to check up on you, he knew you would blame yourself for having woken him up. But at the same time, there was no way he could leave you in such a vulnerable state and sleep peacefully.
"Love?"
Your sobs quieted down, and you sniffled. "S-Sorry, it's nothing. Go back to sleep. I'm okay, I promise."
He was already on the move, sitting up and turning on the lamp. You both winced at the sudden brightness, but before your eyes had even adjusted, he had turned to face you, propping himself up with his elbow. The redness around your eyes and the new tears fast replacing old ones made his chest feel so tight, he thought he was having a heart attack for a moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
Before the words had even left his mouth, he knew what had happened. For the past few weeks, you'd been plagued by on-and-off nightmares that left you crying in his arms until you finally fell back asleep. That, combined with your changing eating habits, your lack of interest in things that had once filled you with joy, and your darker gaze that only forcibly brightened when you were in public, left him sure that you were going through a depressive episode. You had already talked with him about it before, confessing to a history of mental illness and a few scares that had almost landed you in the hospital, and it only left him feeling more and more helpless with every week that passed by.
He hated not being able to help you through this, beyond words and actions that would never fully take away your pain. Ever since he had met you in a cafe, about a month after his defeat in the Metaverse at the hands of the Phantom Thieves, he had felt this unbearable guilt that left him warring between his two sides. It was a conflict between the voice of Kurusu telling him that he needed to face life head on and let others do the same, and the voice of Azathoth demanding if he'd let another person he loved more than anyone else in the world go through this trauma and anguish.
He'd brought it up to you before, a harmless question: "If you could take away all of your mental illness in exchange for not remembering anything about it, would you?"
And you never replied.
You moved into his arms without him needing to ask, familiar with the pattern this night would take. "I'm sorry," you murmured into his chest. "I always feel so guilty when I wake you up, but...you know how these dreams are."
"It's okay."
Those two words made you realize that something would be different about tonight. He had given you similar reassurances before, but his voice was tight, and there was something about the way his hand ran down your arm that made you turn to look at him. "Takuto?" you asked cautiously, seeing the shadows in his gaze. "What's the matter?"
It only took a moment more of deliberation before he let everything spill out. He couldn't bear seeing you like this any longer. Even if it meant that he would betray what Kurusu had believed in, if it was for your happiness, maybe it would be worth it in the end--scratch that, it would be worth it.
Your eyes grew wider and wider as he regaled you about Azathoth and his powers and what had happened in that period after the Phantom Thieves had all but vanished off the face of the earth. It was such a bizarre tale that you were tempted to ask if he was okay, but you knew he wasn't lying.
You had grown acquainted with Akira and his friends as a consequence of working at a convenience store near Shujin Academy while you went to college in the city. A combination of getting to know Akira and a suspicious change in heart by the owner of the company that your mother worked at led to you finding out about the identity of the Phantom Thieves. Akira had even explained the intricacies of the Metaverse to you after accidentally dragging you along with him and the others into a Palace, although you had never awoken to a Persona.
"I still have some power over Azathoth, even though the Metaverse collapsed months ago," he finished. "And, well, I...I can take this all away. You will never need to go through these nights and days ever again."
You sucked in a harsh breath. "R-Really?" you asked, your eyes widening. Shit, you hadn't expected him to say something like that.
He nodded, almost knocking his head into yours. "Yes!" he exclaimed, managing a smile that contrasted with your frown. To him, your stuttering was a product of hesitant relief rather than confusion and worry. "It's as easy as you falling asleep and waking up tomorrow. Within just a few hours, it will be like nothing had ever happened. This darkness of yours will permanently turn into light. All you have to do is trust me."
You stared at him. "Takuto," you said, your voice shaky. You already knew what your answer was. "No, I can't do that."
He froze, his muscles tensing up. "What?" he said, his smile wavering as he let out a nervous laugh. His shoulders began to shake with a light tremor. "I don't think I...I quite follow. You said no? To trusting me or to my idea?"
"I really do trust you, with everything I have. Dangerously so," you said at a feeble attempt at a joke. You quickly sobered up and sighed. "As sweet as it is, there's no way I can let you do that."
His heart raced so fast and loud that you could see his shirt move slightly with every beat. You said something, but Takuto couldn't hear you over the panic filling his bones with cold lead. He saw your lips moving, your eyebrows knitting with concern, and without warning it was like he was staring at Rumi all over again, watching as she wasted away with him being unable to help.
"But why?" Takuto demanded, his voice rising until it cracked right at the peak. Tears built in his eyes and he clutched at his chest. Your lips parted and you took his hand. He clutched desperately at it, staring at you with wide eyes full of terror and sorrow. "I can help you! I can take away your pain. I can make it so you'll never have to suffer again. So...why? Why do you choose to suffer, to live out the rest of your life in pain? Why do you choose to hurt so dearly when I am right here, giving you an alternative?"
You freed your hands from his and cupped his face, wiping away his tears with your thumbs. It seemed like every tear you wiped away was quickly replaced by another, so instead you rubbed soothing circles into his skin. Although he still wept freely, his shoulders had stopped their shaking, and he fell silent. We have matching tear tracks, you thought sadly, feeling your own tears drying on your face. As though reading your mind, Takuto lighted his fingertips on your cheek, his touch colder than normal.
You mulled over your answer. It was true that the idea of allowing Takuto to wipe away all of your pain was compelling and tantalizing. The idea of never needing to go back to a psychiatrist, of being able to smile without the little tinge of doubt weighing at the back of your head, of being able to write in your journals that you were okay, meant so much that it physically hurt. In fact, you found yourself almost taking back your previous words, about to confess to Takuto that you wanted to take the easy way out.
Just as quickly as it came, you stopped yourself. Even though you knew that Takuto's gift would make it so you wouldn't remember having suffered in the first place, it still felt like you were betraying...something. Maybe it was your free will, or the people who didn't have this opportunity, or the Phantom Thieves you had cheered on so desperately when that Yaldabaoth thing had come to take everything away. But you also knew that beyond all of that, beyond the people you loved and the society you had grown to love despite all its faults, you would also betray your own humanity.
"I desperately want to take you up on your offer," you began, staring him in the eyes and focusing on each breath the two of you took in tandem. "I want so badly to give up on this suffering of mine. After all, it shouldn't be some...yoke that I bear, a cross I put on my shoulder to prove to the rest of the world that I am strong and brave despite everything. No one should have to deal with these thoughts. Selfishly, I don't want to deal with them, either."
"Then--"
"I haven't finished," you scolded, albeit with a gentle smile. Takuto's lips pressed together, and he stared at you with the same focus that you did him. In that gaze, you saw such love that it took you aback. Not just because of your thoughts telling you that you were unworthy of such affection, but because you had no idea it was possible for someone to look at another with the same adoration that Takuto did to you. "Takuto, I think it makes us human that we are able to suffer so deeply. No animal on this planet walks with the ability to feel such pain and grief as us, but there is also no animal on this planet that has a larger capacity for love than us, either. No animal has the ability to change society, or reform the darkness."
His breath hitched. He said your name in a hushed voice, his eyebrows knitting.
"There's an Arab proverb," you continued. "'Sunshine all the time makes a desert.' And maybe it isn't my place to say, but I think it means that we need this suffering to grow. There is no ability to change unless we have things that give us reason to." You rested your forehead on his shoulder. His hands lighted on the small of your back, rubbing the same circles into your skin that you had into his face. Unlike his hand on your arm earlier, this movement was so distinctly Takuto Maruki. "Without everything I've gone through, I never would have met you, yeah? Maybe this suffering of mine gave me the greatest gift in the world."
It was true. You had gone to that cafe as a reward to yourself for having made it through another depressive episode, and had never gone back since. If you hadn't shown up that day, you wouldn't be in Takuto's arms right now, and both of you knew it.
"I know you hate seeing me like this. There's still some lingering regret in the back of your mind that you couldn't save Rumi from herself before it was too late, so you wanted to save me by way of redemption." His grip tightened on you, and you knew he was getting ready to protest. "That wasn't the right way to phrase it. Takuto, you are such a caring and selfless person by nature that you don't want anyone you love to suffer like she did, both for their sake and for yours, even if it means yours in their place. I get that so deeply that, if I were in your shoes, I'd want me to take this offer, too.
"But I can't." You lifted your head and cupped his face again, smiling as he pressed his face into your hand and took a deep breath. As he exhaled, his eyes fluttered open, and you could see his sorrow beginning to die down. "I find it so sweet that you'd be willing to use your power again to help me. In that simplicity, there is so much love and warmth that I have never felt before in my life, that makes me feel like I am on top of the world. You make me feel like I'm on top of the world."
You took a second to catch your breath after your speech, and Takuto let out a hoarse laugh, choked by his tears. "I don't think I have ever heard such fondness before in my entire life." He pressed a kiss against the palm of your hand. and smiled as your face heated up. "What you said, then and there, reminded me so much of what Kurusu had told me in my Palace, the day I decided to give up on my false reality. It still baffles me that there are people in this world who would choose to go through such anguish in order to find the light in the darkness. That there are people in this world who look at permanent happiness as a lock with no key, rather than cause for celebration."
The two of you, finally letting go of the tension of the moment, laid back down underneath the covers. Takuto stretched his arm out across the pillows and curled it to press you against his chest as you laid your head down. His other hand lighted on your hip, and you put both of yours against his chest, comforted by the steady thrumming of his heart against your fingertips.
"How much I love you scares me," he confessed. "It reminds me of one of my favorite Arabic poems. 'They asked 'Do you love her to death?' I said 'speak of her over my grave and watch how she brings me back to life.'"
It was your turn to inhale sharply and say, "Takuto..."
"You fill me with such intense warmth that I am surprised I haven't taken you down with me in a storm of fire." Compared to his passionate words, his gaze was tender and gentle, his touch even more so. "And maybe that's why I wouldn't mind going back to the person I used to be, if only you are safe. I would once again become the villain in another hero's story, if only it meant that you will never cry again. I would redo everything, if only I could meet you sooner and take away your pain before it even started."
"But I wouldn't be able to let you do that," you protested.
He laughed. "I know." His laughter turned into a deep sigh. Warmth spread through your face and deep into your bones as he pressed a kiss against your forehead. He said your name, and the love poem echoed in your head. "I promise I won't bring any of that back up again. I promise I'll never use it on you without your permission. And I promise, with everything I have, that I will always be here for you no matter what. I will never abandon you, and I will always try my hardest to make sure this darkness of yours will never surface without a little light."
"T-Takuto!" you exclaimed, more out of bewilderment than any sort of irritation.
"Whatever battles you have, I will be your shield," he promised. "If I can't do that for you, if it's a day that you want to be alone with your thoughts, then I'll wait for you on the other side. In return, swear to me that you will never stop trying."
Your lips parted. You took in a shaky breath, overcome by emotion. Tears filled your eyes, and this unfamiliar side of Takuto, this brave and broad passion and energy, was replaced by a more familiar stumbling endearment. "P-Please don't cry!" he exclaimed, raising his hand from your hip to wipe at your tears. The familiarity of the movement was both saddening and comforting. "I didn't mean to make you upset. Was I overstepping my boundaries by assuming that I'd be your light and shield?"
"You're so silly, Takuto." He flinched as you smiled at him and raised a hand to brush away your own tears. "You say these things like you weren't already the light in my darkness, the shield to my sword. Even if it costs me the world, I will never stop trying. Even if it costs me everything, I will also do everything in my power to protect you. I love you, Takuto."
His heart raced under your hand, and although his face turned a pretty shade of pink, his smile was almost painfully bright. "I love you, too. Let's always keep our promises to each other."
As you leaned up and he leaned down, and your lips brushed against his, it felt like puzzle pieces clicking back into place.
His love would never heal you on its own, but maybe it would make it easier to.