Work Text:
Jisung leaned over in his chair to turn the light on. It was past midnight, the winter nights cold and dark, but he had been trying to muster up the energy to flip the switch of the little desktop light for hours. The laptop was the only thing helping Jisung to see in the office he was working in. He had been procrastinating finishing the lyrics for this song for weeks now, the only thing currently helping him to focus and get it done being the sheer anxiety of not getting it done. It was times like this Jisung would promise to himself he would never let himself get into this situation again, that he would finish his work in plentiful time of its due date. Granted, Jisung had yet to fulfil this internal promise, but there was still a small part of him that had hope.
Comebacks were prime time for Jisung's ADHD to rear its head. Of course, it affected everyday of his life, but with the busy schedule a comeback gave them, it aggravated the traits to the extreme. Jisung would have to return home to collect forgotten items daily, most commonly he would forget his glasses, his water bottle, sometimes his id pass for the company. His bandmates were understanding, but sometimes he could hear the frustrated sighs and would catch them rolling his eyes. They never meant any harm, but it would always make Jisung's stomach twist and worry whether they really accepted him or not.
Jisung's eyes were starting to close involuntarily, the clock on his laptop reading 1:20am. Huh, he thought, where did the time go? The lyrics were nearly finished, but they still sounded off to Jisung's sleep laden brain. He decided he would go on a walk, stretch out his limbs before coming back to it. He hadn't even put his jacket on when his phone rang. Chan. Jisung already knew what the contents on this call would be.
"Hello?"
"Jisung, home now," a tired voice reached his ears. "What are you even still doing at the company?"
Not wanting to reveal he still wasn't finished with the work he had had weeks to finish, he lied and said he was working on the choreography.
Chan sighed. "Just come home. You'll have all 4 hours of practice tomorrow to go over it, there's no need to be up so late."
"I'm on my way, hyung, go to sleep."
"Will do, hannie, be quick."
Jisung had every doubt Chan would go to sleep, the leader was notorious for not being able to sleep until all 7 members were in bed and accounted for.
He soon found himself standing outside the dorm door, his feet dragging and his backpack feeling heavier than it had when he had left the company. He unlocked the door and pushed it open to find Chan sitting on the sofa, lying down and asleep. Jisung carefully shook him awake, he was not about to let the elder sleep on the sofa and wake up stiff.
"I meant go to bed, hyung, not fall asleep waiting for me."
Chan sat up, rubbing his face. "You know I can't sleep until you're all here. What took you so long?"
"Sorry, I forgot my notebook. Come on, let's go to bed."
Jisung pulled Chan off the sofa, and dragged him through the dorm to his room, carefully pushing him onto his bed and smiling at him, before turning around and leaving the room. Jisung didn't even have the energy to clean up, just barely having the energy to take his coat off before collapsing into the sheets.
The days all blurred into one and suddenly they were all standing on stage to perform the new song for the first time. Jisung had had barely any sleep the night before, mind swirling full of what if’s, concerned of all the things that could go wrong. What if people didn't like the new song? What if he forgot his lyrics or the dance? What if he fell, or got hurt? What if another member got hurt? This led him to the early hours of the morning, tossing and turning, and he really felt the effects of his sleep deprivation as he stood on stage for the rehearsal. The lights felt that tiny bit too bright, and the costume was sticking to his skin. He shook his hands and wiped the sweat that had accumulated on his trousers. The rehearsal was coming to an end, he just had to hold out for a few more minutes, while everyone else got their mics and in ears sorted, and he would be able to slither off to a quiet corner in the dressing room and hopefully, if he was lucky, he could have a nap as well.
After taking a quick detour to the bathroom to take a few breaths, Jisung found himself back in the dressing room, head twitching with every loud noise that rang through the air. He fiddled with his phone, connecting his headphones and put them on, which helped to drown out most of the background noise, leaving only the muted murmuring of his members and staff. He sat down, out of the way, and closed his eyes, leaning into the back of the chair and tried to sleep.
Jisung was shaken awake after what felt like no time at all, barely coherent enough to see who was shouting at him to go get his makeup and hair done. He stumbled into the chair across the room, and took his headphones off. The lack of barrier amped up his anxiety by ten, his leg bouncing up and down in front of him, his fingers pulling at the dead skin around his nails. Everything felt loud, too loud, so overwhelming. Jisung needed it to be silent, for just a minute, just so he could recollect his thoughts and push through this performance. Now waking up properly, he noticed Chan was lingering nearby, just watching him. Jisung smiled at him, knowing Chan could read each of his members like the back of his hand. He couldn't hide from Chan, even if he wanted too. As soon as the makeup artist was finished with Jisung, he left the chair and was quickly stopped by said leader.
“You good to go on?” Chan said, eyes kind and understanding.
Jisung nodded. “Good to go on, but I don't think I will be afterwards.”
Chan knew what that meant and what he would need to do, and smiled at the younger. “Come find me as soon as we're all ready to leave, I’ll help.”
Jisung tried to smile back, but it probably looked more like a grimace, and walked over to his bag. He rummaged around to find anything of use but came up with nothing. In the end, he just sat the bag on top of his legs, the weight grounding him. He could feel his legs tensing and releasing unconsciously, over and over, the back of his earring increasingly interesting. He always felt odd when he did things like this, being made to feel bad for externalising his neurodiversity over the years, but he knew his members wouldn't say anything, in fact they would help him. The fact relaxed him a little, reminding him of how he even got his diagnoses in the first place.
The members had become increasingly more worried about how forgetful Jisung was, and how he seemed so hyperactive but so tired at the same time. He was extremely sensitive to criticism, even if anyone else wouldn't have perceived it that way, and extremely impulsive, interrupting sentence after sentence (that is, if he wasn't zoning out). He constantly spread himself thin with how much he would take on, only to end up with half finished tasks, and he truly did seem chronically overwhelmed. It was Seungmin who brought it up with Chan, after he had a conversation with Jisung (if you could even call it that), where Jisung had stared off into space for the entire thing, only coming back to when Seungmin had asked if he was even listening to him, in which Jisung had immediately got defensive and eventually stalked off to his room. Seungmin was pretty pissed at first, annoyed with Jisung for acting like that, but after thinking it through, he realized this was next in line of a long chain of behaviours and traits that no one else seemed to be experiencing, at least not in the group. Before going to Chan, he researched it, and asked Jisung sneaky questions in order to see the bigger picture.
Jisung remembers how he had felt miserable for most of that time, for most of his life actually. He had never felt in control, and had turned to bad coping mechanisms in order to get from one week to the next. He felt alone, like everyone else had been given the script but he hadn't, forcing him to learn how to navigate a world that wasn't built for him. He lived in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling like he had to perform, even when the cameras were off. He was only ever his true self when he was alone in the comfort of his own room.
So Seungmin brought it up to Chan, and Chan brought it up to Jisung, in the privacy of the studio. JIsung, as you can imagine, was defensive again. He couldn't have ADHD, he would have already been picked up for it surely? Adults don't have ADHD, and beside it would just be an excuse for how lazy, how stupid, how incapable he was. But Chan let him calm down, and spoke it through with him, allowing Jisung to see it from another perspective. Chan let him go away and do his own research, but it was like all the puzzle pieces coming together. He did cry, Jisung will admit, a few times. All his life he was told he would never reach his full potential, he was unteachable and he would never amount to anything. It made sense, and for the first time in his life, he felt heard.
Felix tapped Jisung’s shoulder to bring him back to the present, gesturing for him that it was time to go. It must be time to perform, Jisung thought, carefully moving himself to stand up, shaking at his muscles and joining the group warm up. Luckily it was only them and the trainer in the corridor, allowing Jisung to remain relatively calm in the build up. Standing side of stage, however, seemed to remind Jisung's body about what was about to happen. He took several deep breaths and rolled his wrists, desperately trying to stop his head twitching up. The crowd roared, making this desperately harder, but he had to keep his cool. They only had one song to perform, he just had to last three minutes and then he could go home and lie down in his warm, dark room. Jisung felt a surge and suddenly he found himself standing onstage in the starting position, the lights causing Jisung’s head to pound. The music started, and Jisung had to do everything within him to not rip the in ear out and run off stage. He forced himself to smile and perform the dance, but he felt breathless, the crowds shouting getting louder and louder until he couldn't take it. The final dance break came, and Jisung could feel himself faltering, felt the eyes of his members on him, full of concern, but now was not the time. There couldn't have been more than 30 seconds left, so when Jisung fell to the floor, he clenched his eyes shut and took a deep breath, hoping that would be enough to get him through. Hyunjin and Minho noticed this, making eye contact with each other. They knew what they would have to do when this performance was over.
Suddenly they were in their final position, absorbing the crowd's cheers, before running off. Jisung all but tore his in ears out and desperately moved to remove the wires, but in his panicked state, he couldn't coordinate himself. He felt tears, but he couldn't hear the members calling his name, until Chan grabbed his shoulders, just as he started hitting his hand against his stomach.
“Oh no you dont,” Chan mumbled, as he, along with Hyunjin and Changbin, pushed through the hordes of staff and other groups to get back to their dressing room. They shielded him as much as they could, knowing that the younger wouldn't be able to take the embarrassment if he realized what was happening.
Pushing into the dressing room and bringing him to sit down, they all took a step back now he wasn't in danger or public. They knew that overcrowding him would make this all worse, once it was in motion, you simply had to wait it out. Hyunjin passed Jisung his bag, knowing the weight would ground him. Jiusng curled himself around the bag, slinking off the chair to the floor, allowing him to gently rock back and forward. The rest of the members had come back at this point, spilling around the room, leaving only Chan near him. The elder sat on the sofa, ready to comfort Jisung when he finally came round. He only moved in when Jisung started hitting the palm of his hand against his head, gently grabbing his wrist and rubbing his forehead. He knew it was just a stim, but he didn't want Jisung to hurt himself, even if it risked overwhelming him with touch.
Jisung couldn't even catch up with his thoughts, all he knew was that he was overwhelmed and he needed to get it out. He just had to let it out, once he was here at this point he couldn't stop, couldn't be touched, he couldn't even hear anything, any words spoken to him in attempts of calming him down getting eaten up by the beast inside of him.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Jisung stopped rocking and slowly released himself from his ball, gently slumping against the sofa. He had yet to look up, fiddling with the keyrings on his bag, when he noticed movement from in front of him, seeing Chan looking at him with curiosity. Jisung nodded, allowing Chan to move over and lift him up onto the sofa. Jisung curled into his side, seeking warmth and comfort.
“You back with us, Sungie?” Chan asked quietly, Jisung humming in response. Chan noticed that the rest of the group were all packed up, ready to go home for the night. Jeongin approached the pair, holding Jisung's jacket. Chan asked Jisung if he was ready to go home, to which Jisung nodded, allowing for himself to be stood up, Jeongin being careful not to touch Jisung as he pulled his in ears off and placed his jacket around his shoulders. They walked out to the cars, Jisung clinging to Chan’s arm, head leaning on the elder’s shoulder. He was exhausted now, his eyes barely open as they climbed in and drove off home. The darkness of the car helped Jisung to calm down fully, as well as the members keeping as quiet as possible. Tomorrow, he will probably bound back to being his excited, bright self, today's breakdown allowing him to get weeks worth of stress off his chest. Bad days happen sometimes, but Jisung knew as long as he had Stray Kids, he would be just fine.
Bonus
Chan carried the sleeping boy into the dorm, the boy light as a feather on his back. The rest of the members spilled out into the various corners of the dorm, off to find food or to clean up. It wasn't late at night by any means, giving time for the members to decompress and seek comfort after the evening they had. They always found it hard to see Jisung like that, knowing there was nothing they could do. All they could do was be there to support him through the lows and watch after him during the highs.
Opening the door to his bedroom, Chan carefully laid Jisung on his bed, thankful the boy had been wearing comfy clothes today anyway. Just as he was taking his jacket off, Felix came in and quietly placed a teddy in Jisungs arm. They knew he would appreciate the extra comfort when he woke up, and so, with two gentle kisses to his forehead, the two left Jisung to sleep.